God Explains The Recent Celebrity Deaths
Michael Jackson. Ed McMahon. Billy Mays. Farrah Fawcett. David Carradine. Steve McNair. Arturo Gatti. Oscar Mayer. A lot of celebrities have passed away recently, some under bizarre circumstances. We didn’t know what to make of all this, so we asked our weekly in-season analyst, God, to come in and help explain why so many stars are dying.
UNTO Almighty Me, we commend the soul of our brother, or sister, or single guy from Kung Fu who liked some freaky ass shit, departed, and we commit his body (or, in Michael Jackson’s case, his body and other assorted synthetic parts) to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Hart to Hart; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection unto eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ…
Wait, wait. I dunno why the kid always gets credit here.
…in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection unto eternal life, through our Lord, Me, THE FUCKING LORD HIMSELF, BIG POPPA, at whose coming in glorious majesty to judge the world and any number of Hawaiian Tropic swimsuit competitions.
You know, then number one question I get at any funeral is, “Why, God, why?” This question annoys Me. First of all, it’s not very specific. I mean really, do you want me to explain why I set up biological processes as they currently are and how such processes came to a stop in your daddy? I don’t think you do. I think most people are looking to me for answers.
People who do this are fucking retarded. No less than three thousand people at the Jackson funeral looked up at Me and said, “Why?” Why? Really? You need Me to help you deduce why Michael Jackson died, people? The answer is laying right in front of you, morons. Maybe if Cobra Commander there didn’t pump himself with enough drugs to kill a longhorn steer on a daily basis, he might still be around. That’s why he died, shitheads. You really think I somehow claimed him at some unfortunate moment? Christ, you’re lucky he lived that long.
And I saw everyone at the funeral was all like, “Maybe everyone will leave you alone now, Michael.” Pfft. That’s not happening. I know what that freakshow did. I’m not leaving him alone. I’m re-blacking him and I’m gonna cordon him off from the kiddie cloud. Not so heavenly NOW, is it?
Same with everyone else. Wanna know why Billy Mays died? It’s not because I thought it was time. It’s because that guy should have laid of the Orange Juliuses. Then he’d still be around to sell the OrangeGlo. Then there are all these conspiracy theorists who are like, “Oooh, these things always come in threes.” No, they don’t. Trust Me. I have a Star Death chart. They’re much more evenly spaced out than you realize.
Now, I will admit to giving Farrah Fawcett ass cancer. I have my reasons. Let’s just say she was far stingier with Me than she was with Ryan O’Neal. Well, the tables have turned, O’Neal! Oh, Me! Oh, man! Oh, Me! Oh, man!
Suck on THAT.
As for McNair and Gatti, again, the answers are right in front you. Don’t blame all My mysterious ways for the reasons they died. Blame the women! Those bitches are crazy! Just like Farrah! It’s true!
The truth is, I don’t control any of this shit. I just set up the game simulator and watch how it plays out. Far more enjoyable that way. If you’re looking to Me for some sort of divine explanation, you are wrong. In fact, next person to do it gets ass cancer. Believe it.
Oh, and if I were Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, I might be in the market for a sturdy casket right now.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, death, god explains the NFL, going to hell
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July 14th, 2009 at 10:03 am
“Maybe if Cobra Commander there didn’t pump himself with enough drugs to kill a longhorn steer on a daily basis, he might still be around”
WHAT THE FUCK!!?? How dare you use my name in vain, fuckface?
July 14th, 2009 at 10:08 am
well, women be homicidin’.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
“I’m gonna cordon him off from the kiddie cloud.”
Why would you even have a kiddie cloud? It just… It just sounds like a bad idea.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Did you really have to go down the John Paul Stevens’ route?
Why?
/schedules colonoscopy with PK
July 14th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Anyhoo, Deadliest Catch is gonna be sooooo awesom tonight!!!
/dAndy’d
July 14th, 2009 at 10:30 am
I think almost everyone has Patrick Swayze next on the celebrity death pool. Or possibly Lindsay Lohan.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:31 am
The kiddie cloud sounds just about like the kiddie table at Thanksgiving.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Who knew Oscar Mayer was still alive? Next week we’ll be reading the obit of a 103 year old Cyrus Ovaltine.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Ed McMahon’s on an eternal bender right God?
July 14th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Dear God:
If you’re taking requests, could you please hit Dane Cook with the ass cancer next?
Amen.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Wait a minute, so Michael Jackson got into Heaven? This is fucked. I’m giving up on you, God, for I will now worship Lenny Leonard’s dad’s old hunting trophy.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:55 am
If Billy Mays needs company, I think the Sham-Wow guy might be available.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I think almost everyone has Patrick Swayze next on the celebrity death pool. Or possibly Lindsay Lohan.
I’d go with Jessica Simpson since getting dumped a day before her birthday will likely lead to an eating binge of epic proportions.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Dear God:
Mine is a small request. Someone who won’t be missed. Someone who has not made a mark on civilization. Someone to whom I once requested a long, painful pre-death, but I’m now willing for something quick and painless. Lord, please Lord, Brent Mussberger has to be next.
Thanks for taking the time to listen.
Miles
July 14th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@ CobraCommander – Can you get me some Vicodin?
July 14th, 2009 at 11:30 am
celebrity death draft? Could be fun. Offside, but cathartic.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:34 am
@ LFNR: No Vicoding I’m afraid. I’m Colombian, so I only work with the stronger stuff.
You know…
Coffee.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Michael Jackson made it to heaven, huh? That’s fantastic news. If he can molest kids and make it, I’ve got all sorts of unused leeway to tear through.
Whorehouse, here comes Daddy and he brought his paycheck!
July 14th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Those bitches are crazy!
Always dropping knowledge on us Drew…always dropping knowledge.
/said that at least 10 times after I found out about Gatti.
//Cobra Commander line was hilarious
July 14th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Please take Chris Berman, for the love of You. There is no way a mere mortal can tolerate another season of awful NFL puns without wanting to stab another. I swear take Berman and the murder rate will go down 50%, I guarantee it.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Oh snap, Michael’s black again!
July 14th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Can you give the Sham-Wow guy ass cancer? I hate that douche.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Jon Gosselin (of Jon & Kate +8) will be next. His new babe is 9 years younger and has a record!
July 14th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
“I think almost everyone has Patrick Swayze next on the celebrity death pool. Or possibly Lindsay Lohan.”
Perhaps you haven’t gotten a look at Artie Lang lately. His time left is in hours not months.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Oh, and if I were Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, I might be in the market for a sturdy casket right now.
If JPS has to go, I hope it’s because Ann Coulter makes good on her death threat and gets caught in the act. At the very least, when the prison system has to assign her to a correctional facility, we’ll finally be able to determine if she does or does not have a penis.
Plus, the JPS memorial would bring back all our many fond memories of the Ford administration.
OK, our one fond memory.
Alright, a memory.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
“I think almost everyone has Patrick Swayze next on the celebrity death pool. Or possibly Lindsay Lohan.”
We’ll only know with the conclusion of Celebrity Thin-Off 2009.
My money’s on Lohan. Swayze’s at least trying to stay alive.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
RE Tomlinson’s Pain Tolerance Says:
“Perhaps you haven’t gotten a look at Artie Lang lately. His time left is in hours not months.”
No, I haven’t seen him lately. I kinda like Artie, I hope he can hold out a couple more years.
And if we’re wishing for celebrity deaths, as always, I nominate Donald Trump. No one deserves an ironic death by ass cancer more than he does. Or dick cancer. Or ball cancer. Or all 3, even.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Outstanding Drew
July 14th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I’m hoping Trump dies in an arson set at one of his many classy properties, just so I can see the inevitable New York Post headline that reads “You’re Fired!”
July 14th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Dear Lord:
Matt Millen.
You know how the Detroit area has suffered. I’m not asking You to fix the systemic problems, or violate the rules of Your Holy simulator. But taking him out would make the bitter pill easier to swallow.
Plus, he will be doing college football now, too.
Yr Obdt Srvt,
Jebus
July 14th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
God uses retarded words like “celebrities”, “passing away” and “daily basis”? If God made us in His image, He’s got really poor self-esteem, which explains a lot.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
That’s Mrs. H, She’s gorgeous.
/Older reader, tip of the cap to the Hart to Hart reference. Bravo
July 14th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
That Robert Wagner is an actor, Cool Customer and women’s health advocate.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
RE Otto Man Says:
I’m hoping Trump dies in an arson set at one of his many classy properties, just so I can see the inevitable New York Post headline that reads “You’re Fired!”
That would be pretty awesome. How about he gets ass cancer, then dies in a fire?
July 14th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I’m hoping Trump dies in an arson set at one of his many classy properties, just so I can see the inevitable New York Post headline that reads “You’re Fired!”
Otto wins. Next post please.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Dear God:
If you’re taking requests, could you please hit Dane Cook with the ass cancer next?
Amen.
Hum… Here I thought that Dane Cook was ass cancer? AmIwrong?
July 14th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
What about Walter Cronkite. The dude’s 92 and sick. In fact, in the time between him getting sick and the present, EVERYBODY HAS DIED.
July 14th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@ Slash
I thought the same thing for Ariel Sharon a couple of years ago & he’s still kicking around on life support.
What a wasted pick. But success with Karl Malden. C’mon Al Davis & Suge Knight
July 14th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
These deaths have created an environment where a well placed flase death report could create a shitstorm of celeb-sniffer douchebaggery!
Hey! Don’t look at me…I ain’t no writer!
July 14th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
If Trump is going out then it is only fitting that it be a murder/suicide with Rosie O’Donnell. That’ll shut’em both the fuck up.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
So Deism is the right way to go…
/five bucks says Andy Rooney is next to go ,and then there will be no more cranky old men to remember the good old days where everything was cheap and you could sock a dame for backtalk.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
RE Tomlinson’s Pain Tolerance Says:
“If Trump is going out then it is only fitting that it be a murder/suicide with Rosie O’Donnell. That’ll shut’em both the fuck up.”
If only… that would be super duper awesome.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
…”through our Lord Jesus Christ…
Wait, wait. I dunno why the kid always gets credit here.”
I always thought praying through Jesus was kind of like talking to Fredo to get to Michael, because Don Corleone is far too powerful and busy to give a shit about you. But if you bug his relatives enough, you might find yourself catching his attention. Which isn’t always good attention.
/I can handle things, I’m smart
July 14th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Dear God,
Howzabout a biggol Vicodin overdose for number 4 on the scorecard and number 2 in your hearts..Brittfar!
Please.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I always thought praying through Jesus was kind of like talking to Fredo
Have you considered Judaism? It’s like Christianity but with a smaller roster and a salary cap with Bird rights.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Tim Mcarver, please.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:20 am
The Jagovs from Liberty Media for canceling Sportsbeat on FSN Pittsburgh. These are the same genius that fired Mike Lange from play by play of Penguins telecasts.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:39 am
OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN
http://magnificentbastards-buckwheat.blogspot.com/2009/07/rip-you-magnificent-bastards.html
July 15th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
please take cutler, i hate that motherfucker!