Beaten By An Infant High School Kid. What Could Be More Humiliating?
Ron Rivera: All right, fellas. I think that covers everything we needed to go over today. Now, I intentionally told our quarterback to skip out today’s meeting because I stumbled upon a little video of him that I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to see. Let me just key this up aaaaand, oop, wrong remote. Just give me a second. Which output does the TV have to be on? Video 2? How do you get to Video 2? Oh, there it is. Still not working. Fine, I’m giving it a moment. Okay, here we go.
[Entire room erupts in peals of laughter]
LaDainian Tomlinson: laughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaugh
Shawne Merriman: Maybe first time video without rape has brought smile to my face. Still need rape though.
Vincent Jackson: I like the part where he lost to a high schooler in a skills competition.
Antonio Cromartie: Seconded
Eric Weddle: Thirded
Merriman: Fourth dead
Kris Dielman: I kind of liked the news anchor banter myself.
Rivera: Now you know we can’t mention this to Phil, because you know how he gets. So we’re just gonna have to destroy this pretend like it never happened. And just hope he didn’t catch this on the local news.
Billy Volek: He said he boycotts all non-church bulletin news services for their obvious anti-abstinence agenda.
Rivera: That’s a relief.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddayyyyyyy!
WHAT’S SO GODDAMN FUNNY, GIGGLETITS!? Havin’ a regular ol’ countrytime chucklejerk in here, aren’t we?
Rivera: Uh, just going over some new formations for the coming season.
Rivers: Oh okay. I guess that makes sense.
FOR YOU.
THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
TO GO OVER FORMATIONS.
WITH MEMBERS OF THE OFFENSE AND DEFENSE IN ATTENDANCE.
WHILE ASKING THE FUCKING STARTING QUARTERBACK NOT TO ATTEND!
I SMELLS A RAT! AND WE GOT US SOME BIG ONES DOWN IN ‘BAMA! SO BIG WE RAISE US ‘EM LIKE KINFOLK AND TEACH ‘EM TO ZONE BLOCK!
Rivera: All right. All right. I’ll be straight with you. We found this video of you getting beaten in a skills competition at one of your camps by a high school QB. And we sharing a laugh over it.
[Rivers stands there, silently seething]
[Face reddens]
[Steam shoots out ears]
[Bites through lower lip]
[Blood squirts from lip and pools on the floor]
Those scrotum twirlers told me the cameras were off! They didn’t include the critical float portion of the competition! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I LET HIM WIN! What they didn’t tell you is the kid has cancer. He got it from having sex before marriage. BLINDED AGAIN BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA ANTI-ABSTINENCE BIAS!
Tomlinson: consolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphrase
Rivers: Don’t you patronize me, LaToeInjury!
Tags: how embwassing, made him humble, marmalard, xmas ape
July 15th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
July 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Pretty sure the Chiefs just signed that kid to a 6-year deal.
he boycotts all non-church bulletin news services for their obvious anti-abstinence agenda
Yes. Just… yes.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
LT should have kicked Marmalard in the nads, THEN gone on the IR. Tots worth it man.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Pretty sure the Chiefs just signed that kid to a 6-year deal.
Who are you kidding? We could never sign that kind of talent.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Shush, you, you have my Matty. I have my heart set on driving to KC to see him play next year.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
They probably would have to trade their first round pick to the kids dad first. 6 year deal just isn’t enough.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
HARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARF
July 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Save yourself the thousand miles of Penntucky and see him Week 3 at Philly. That’s my plan, anyway.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Ummmm those tires a kinda low. All that kid proved was that he can hit his receivers in the shins.
/dick eyes joke
July 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Moving to STL in 2 weeks ;) and it’s not like I’d pay money to see a Rams game. I don’t think they like Patriots fans much there anyway.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Moving to St. Louis? FROM Boston? Is this part of some prison work release program, or is it voluntary?
July 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Wait…..
Rivers’ pass just went through the tire! He wins!
July 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
CRITICAL FLOAT PORTION
got it.
i can’t fucking wait for Halloween to come around so i can see that LaserJokerFace again
July 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I’ve been waiting for Marmalard all summer. This is better than when the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
consolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphrase
Outstanding. Just fucking awesome and may have gotten me fired when I get back from vacation.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
@FMRA-
Nobody likes Patriots fans much anywhere.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
God damn, is a Marmalard post the first sign of the coming seasonkake? I think so.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I smell a new t-shirt
consolingphrase
July 15th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
YESSSSSSSS!!! THANK GOD FOR MARMALARD. What a legend
July 15th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I saw the picture of Marmalard on Yahoo! and my first thought was “I wonder if this will end up on KSK?”
Then I slapped myself for sheer stupidity.
Brilliant.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
The question remains: draft day Eli = Draft day Rivers (based on the trade)
draft day Eli < random high school QB from Alabama?
July 15th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Compare and contrast with the guy Rivers replaced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVoqA-LKGb4
July 15th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
The male anchor said, “Wait for the scholarships to roll in or go straight to the pros.”
Uh, no. That’s not how it works in the NFL, Chief. Proof that folk from Alabama don’t care about pro football, only Roll Tide.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I’d like to be the “fourth dead” to love this post. Bra-freaking-vo.
@FMRA: St. Louis? The All Star Game festivities worked their magic on you too? Happy flooding!
July 15th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
As a Charger fan (who has been thinking about adding a Rivers jersey to the collection), I love the Marmalard stuff. Lofty, floaty humor.
But I’ve searched the archives and still don’t get the “ya betta ask somebody” line. Hasn’t stopped me from introducing it into regular conversation, but can someone clue me in?
July 15th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
If the league was sponsored by nike that video would have been confiscated.
Fix yo sponsorships
July 15th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Proof that folk from Alabama don’t care about pro football, only Roll Tide.
It’s a Southern California TV station, but the same criticism applies.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
@Ape: KCAL/9 is the home of weatherhottie Jackie Johnson, so they get a pass. Plus, it’s not like we have a football team here or anything.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
@Jez @Christmas Ape
The key thing that you’re missing is that at Alabama, and USC, you get paid like a pro.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
A float d’tetat has dethroned King Laserface! All hail King Nunn!
July 15th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
After the competition Rivers went home and rolled around naked in all of his money.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Think Rivers really bangs the Bible?
July 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Good grief. Now all the slack-jawed yockels will be calling the sports-talk radio stations declaring that ‘Bama will definitely win 8 back-to-back national championships (2 before the kid, naturally, goes to Alabama, four while he’s here, and 2 afterwards because Saban is God). Jeez, I hate this inbred state.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
You fuckers are bringing it today, KSK.
Good shit.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
@ Gino Tourettsa:
I do think Rivers bangs the Bible. And the phone book. And the pillow. And pretty much anything in the hotel room come Week 13 and that abstinence pledge starts to take its toll on the psyche.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
‘Alabama, good little thief’ but what the fuck does it have to do with this post!!
July 15th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
hmm i may have to rethink my “chargers as dark horse super bowl champions” pick
July 15th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
KSKshop needs a shirt with the mouth eyes pic on the front
and on the back
WHAT? HUH? WHAT?
/goldmine
July 16th, 2009 at 2:41 am
fmra is obviously moving to St Louis so that she can more effectively stalk her future husband, Mr. Ankiel.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:53 am
That was some brilliant stuff. Good job.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:58 am
It was soooo long without Marmalard… We want more Marmalard! And Neckbeard! And Cutlerfucker!
July 20th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1917147
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:50 am
laughing at the ‘make him humble’ tag.
HE SUCK A BILL BELICHICK DICK! FUCK HIS ASS, MAKE HIM HUMBLE!