Ron Rivera: All right, fellas. I think that covers everything we needed to go over today. Now, I intentionally told our quarterback to skip out today’s meeting because I stumbled upon a little video of him that I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to see. Let me just key this up aaaaand, oop, wrong remote. Just give me a second. Which output does the TV have to be on? Video 2? How do you get to Video 2? Oh, there it is. Still not working. Fine, I’m giving it a moment. Okay, here we go.

[Entire room erupts in peals of laughter]

LaDainian Tomlinson: laughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaugh

Shawne Merriman: Maybe first time video without rape has brought smile to my face. Still need rape though.

Vincent Jackson: I like the part where he lost to a high schooler in a skills competition.

Antonio Cromartie: Seconded

Eric Weddle: Thirded

Merriman: Fourth dead

Kris Dielman: I kind of liked the news anchor banter myself.

Rivera: Now you know we can’t mention this to Phil, because you know how he gets. So we’re just gonna have to destroy this pretend like it never happened. And just hope he didn’t catch this on the local news.

Billy Volek: He said he boycotts all non-church bulletin news services for their obvious anti-abstinence agenda.

Rivera: That’s a relief.

[Door flies open]

riversface

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddayyyyyyy!

WHAT’S SO GODDAMN FUNNY, GIGGLETITS!? Havin’ a regular ol’ countrytime chucklejerk in here, aren’t we?

Rivera: Uh, just going over some new formations for the coming season.

Rivers: Oh okay. I guess that makes sense.

FOR YOU.

THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.

TO GO OVER FORMATIONS.

WITH MEMBERS OF THE OFFENSE AND DEFENSE IN ATTENDANCE.

WHILE ASKING THE FUCKING STARTING QUARTERBACK NOT TO ATTEND!

I SMELLS A RAT! AND WE GOT US SOME BIG ONES DOWN IN ‘BAMA! SO BIG WE RAISE US ‘EM LIKE KINFOLK AND TEACH ‘EM TO ZONE BLOCK!

Rivera: All right. All right. I’ll be straight with you. We found this video of you getting beaten in a skills competition at one of your camps by a high school QB. And we sharing a laugh over it.

[Rivers stands there, silently seething]

[Face reddens]

[Steam shoots out ears]

[Bites through lower lip]

[Blood squirts from lip and pools on the floor]

Those scrotum twirlers told me the cameras were off! They didn’t include the critical float portion of the competition! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I LET HIM WIN! What they didn’t tell you is the kid has cancer. He got it from having sex before marriage. BLINDED AGAIN BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA ANTI-ABSTINENCE BIAS!

Tomlinson: consolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphrase

Rivers: Don’t you patronize me, LaToeInjury!