Beaten By An Infant High School Kid. What Could Be More Humiliating?

Ron Rivera: All right, fellas. I think that covers everything we needed to go over today. Now, I intentionally told our quarterback to skip out today’s meeting because I stumbled upon a little video of him that I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to see. Let me just key this up aaaaand, oop, wrong remote. Just give me a second. Which output does the TV have to be on? Video 2? How do you get to Video 2? Oh, there it is. Still not working. Fine, I’m giving it a moment. Okay, here we go.

[Entire room erupts in peals of laughter]

LaDainian Tomlinson: laughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaugh

Shawne Merriman: Maybe first time video without rape has brought smile to my face. Still need rape though.

Vincent Jackson: I like the part where he lost to a high schooler in a skills competition.

Antonio Cromartie: Seconded

Eric Weddle: Thirded

Merriman: Fourth dead

Kris Dielman: I kind of liked the news anchor banter myself.

Rivera: Now you know we can’t mention this to Phil, because you know how he gets. So we’re just gonna have to destroy this pretend like it never happened. And just hope he didn’t catch this on the local news.

Billy Volek: He said he boycotts all non-church bulletin news services for their obvious anti-abstinence agenda.

Rivera: That’s a relief.

[Door flies open]

riversface

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddayyyyyyy!

WHAT’S SO GODDAMN FUNNY, GIGGLETITS!? Havin’ a regular ol’ countrytime chucklejerk in here, aren’t we?

Rivera: Uh, just going over some new formations for the coming season.

Rivers: Oh okay. I guess that makes sense.

FOR YOU.

THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.

TO GO OVER FORMATIONS.

WITH MEMBERS OF THE OFFENSE AND DEFENSE IN ATTENDANCE.

WHILE ASKING THE FUCKING STARTING QUARTERBACK NOT TO ATTEND!

I SMELLS A RAT! AND WE GOT US SOME BIG ONES DOWN IN ‘BAMA! SO BIG WE RAISE US ‘EM LIKE KINFOLK AND TEACH ‘EM TO ZONE BLOCK!

Rivera: All right. All right. I’ll be straight with you. We found this video of you getting beaten in a skills competition at one of your camps by a high school QB. And we sharing a laugh over it.

[Rivers stands there, silently seething]

[Face reddens]

[Steam shoots out ears]

[Bites through lower lip]

[Blood squirts from lip and pools on the floor]

Those scrotum twirlers told me the cameras were off! They didn’t include the critical float portion of the competition! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I LET HIM WIN! What they didn’t tell you is the kid has cancer. He got it from having sex before marriage. BLINDED AGAIN BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA ANTI-ABSTINENCE BIAS!

Tomlinson: consolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphrase

Rivers: Don’t you patronize me, LaToeInjury!

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43 Responses to “Beaten By An Infant High School Kid. What Could Be More Humiliating?”

  1. Graddy Says:

    clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap

  2. futuremrsrickankiel Says:

    Pretty sure the Chiefs just signed that kid to a 6-year deal.

    he boycotts all non-church bulletin news services for their obvious anti-abstinence agenda
    Yes. Just… yes.

  3. GhostsoftheUpcountry Says:

    LT should have kicked Marmalard in the nads, THEN gone on the IR. Tots worth it man.

  4. Otto Man Says:

    Pretty sure the Chiefs just signed that kid to a 6-year deal.

    Who are you kidding? We could never sign that kind of talent.

  5. futuremrsrickankiel Says:

    Shush, you, you have my Matty. I have my heart set on driving to KC to see him play next year.

  6. Andy Says:

    They probably would have to trade their first round pick to the kids dad first. 6 year deal just isn’t enough.

  7. jackin'4beats Says:

    HARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARFHARF

  8. Otto Man Says:

    Save yourself the thousand miles of Penntucky and see him Week 3 at Philly. That’s my plan, anyway.

  9. spanky datass Says:

    Ummmm those tires a kinda low. All that kid proved was that he can hit his receivers in the shins.

    /dick eyes joke

  10. futuremrsrickankiel Says:

    Moving to STL in 2 weeks ;) and it’s not like I’d pay money to see a Rams game. I don’t think they like Patriots fans much there anyway.

  11. Sea Otter Says:

    Moving to St. Louis? FROM Boston? Is this part of some prison work release program, or is it voluntary?

  12. StuScottBooyahs Says:

    Wait…..

    Rivers’ pass just went through the tire! He wins!

  13. MenaceIISobriety Says:

    CRITICAL FLOAT PORTION

    got it.

    i can’t fucking wait for Halloween to come around so i can see that LaserJokerFace again

  14. Jefferson Tardship Says:

    I’ve been waiting for Marmalard all summer. This is better than when the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano.

  15. Rob in WI Says:

    consolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphrase

    Outstanding. Just fucking awesome and may have gotten me fired when I get back from vacation.

  16. El Bandito Blancito Says:

    @FMRA-

    Nobody likes Patriots fans much anywhere.

  17. BurritoBrosShits Says:

    God damn, is a Marmalard post the first sign of the coming seasonkake? I think so.

  18. PirateSloth Says:

    I smell a new t-shirt

    consolingphrase

  19. Ronnie Mund Says:

    YESSSSSSSS!!! THANK GOD FOR MARMALARD. What a legend

  20. Reggie Bush's Pimp Says:

    I saw the picture of Marmalard on Yahoo! and my first thought was “I wonder if this will end up on KSK?”

    Then I slapped myself for sheer stupidity.

    Brilliant.

  21. StuBone Says:

    The question remains: draft day Eli = Draft day Rivers (based on the trade)

    draft day Eli < random high school QB from Alabama?

  22. johnboy Says:

    Compare and contrast with the guy Rivers replaced.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVoqA-LKGb4

  23. Jez Says:

    The male anchor said, “Wait for the scholarships to roll in or go straight to the pros.”

    Uh, no. That’s not how it works in the NFL, Chief. Proof that folk from Alabama don’t care about pro football, only Roll Tide.

  24. SonOfSpam Says:

    I’d like to be the “fourth dead” to love this post. Bra-freaking-vo.

    @FMRA: St. Louis? The All Star Game festivities worked their magic on you too? Happy flooding!

  25. Marmalard for President Says:

    As a Charger fan (who has been thinking about adding a Rivers jersey to the collection), I love the Marmalard stuff. Lofty, floaty humor.

    But I’ve searched the archives and still don’t get the “ya betta ask somebody” line. Hasn’t stopped me from introducing it into regular conversation, but can someone clue me in?

  26. sd dev Says:

    If the league was sponsored by nike that video would have been confiscated.

    Fix yo sponsorships

  27. Christmas Ape Says:

    Proof that folk from Alabama don’t care about pro football, only Roll Tide.

    It’s a Southern California TV station, but the same criticism applies.

  28. SonOfSpam Says:

    @Ape: KCAL/9 is the home of weatherhottie Jackie Johnson, so they get a pass. Plus, it’s not like we have a football team here or anything.

  29. SelfWrighteousMetsFan Says:

    @Jez @Christmas Ape

    The key thing that you’re missing is that at Alabama, and USC, you get paid like a pro.

  30. Crazy Says:

    A float d’tetat has dethroned King Laserface! All hail King Nunn!

  31. Gogetyourshinebox Says:

    After the competition Rivers went home and rolled around naked in all of his money.

  32. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    Think Rivers really bangs the Bible?

  33. Spatula Says:

    Good grief. Now all the slack-jawed yockels will be calling the sports-talk radio stations declaring that ‘Bama will definitely win 8 back-to-back national championships (2 before the kid, naturally, goes to Alabama, four while he’s here, and 2 afterwards because Saban is God). Jeez, I hate this inbred state.

  34. Arm Strongcock Says:

    You fuckers are bringing it today, KSK.

    Good shit.

  35. Brady Quinn's Courage Says:

    @ Gino Tourettsa:

    I do think Rivers bangs the Bible. And the phone book. And the pillow. And pretty much anything in the hotel room come Week 13 and that abstinence pledge starts to take its toll on the psyche.

  36. spanky datass Says:

    ‘Alabama, good little thief’ but what the fuck does it have to do with this post!!

  37. Ben Says:

    hmm i may have to rethink my “chargers as dark horse super bowl champions” pick

  38. 40 lb box of rape Says:

    KSKshop needs a shirt with the mouth eyes pic on the front

    and on the back

    WHAT? HUH? WHAT?

    /goldmine

  39. Big Black Richard Says:

    fmra is obviously moving to St Louis so that she can more effectively stalk her future husband, Mr. Ankiel.

  40. That'samare Says:

    That was some brilliant stuff. Good job.

  41. brugi82 Says:

    It was soooo long without Marmalard… We want more Marmalard! And Neckbeard! And Cutlerfucker!

  42. Nate Says:

    http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1917147

  43. Frank GORE! GORE! GORE! Says:

    laughing at the ‘make him humble’ tag.

    HE SUCK A BILL BELICHICK DICK! FUCK HIS ASS, MAKE HIM HUMBLE!

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