Bachelor Party Etiquette, Cat Scratch Fever, and People Who Have Sex In Glass Houses Have Really Big Stones: The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag Returns
Welcome back to the sex bag, everybody. After a week off and with fantasy drafts getting nearer, we were flooded with emails. Some late admissions missed the cut, but we’ll try to get to them next week. Right now we’ve got more pressing problems, like how to coordinate a fantasy draft with a bachelor party, where to find a woman who can make you bleed during sex, how to make friends with benefits happen in three easy steps, and what to do when your girlfriend tries to F you in full view of her family.
Also discussed: the top running backs in the coming fantasy draft, IDP, and priorities by position. Man, you can feel football season getting nearer in these questions. Let’s pass some time together and get the opening kick-off closer, after the jump.
Sex first of course: So I am kind of an odd fuck in bed. I love getting scratched…. a lot. Yes, I love women who scratch and claw my back until a little blood is drawn. The problem is that I have a hard time suggesting to women without them running in terror while the lucky ladies who love to do that to me are too crazy for my own good. Is there a subtle way for me to suggest to a sane woman to put those nails to get use? Is it better to ask before sex or in the heat of the moment?
Have you tried fucking cats? That could work.
When it comes to drawing blood during sex, you may want to ease your partner into the situation. Something as simple as “Yeah, scratch me!” in the throes of passion might be all she needs to hear. Or there’s always the in-bed discussion of “What do you like?” that helps move any sexual relationship forward. Hell, you can start the conversation by asking her what she likes and use that to bring up that you want her to shred your epidermis. Look at you! You’re so sensitive and considerate!
Fantasy football: What is more important to think about when drafting for depth in a standard scoring QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, TE, K, DEF league: the 3rd RB or 4th WR? I am thinking the 4th WR because you will need him a lot more often.
-Maine man with indoor plumbing
Nope. You’re not getting production from a position; you’re getting production from players. Take the best available at either position. (Although obviously if you draft a weak 1-2 RB combo, then you’ll want to prioritize a 3rd RB, and vice versa with WRs.)
Dear Herpes Sherpas,
In preparation for my wedding this fall, I’m having a bachelor party next month in Montreal with a few dozen fellow degenerates.
Stop. A few DOZEN? “A few” is a good amount for a bachelor party; a dozen is probably a couple too many but manageable. A few dozen… wow. Good luck with the logistics.
Not only is Montreal home to the most international of coffees, it’s known for having some of the best strip clubs in the world. My problem is that, in the past, my friends have mocked me ruthlessly for my choice in strippers. On a Vegas trip with these guys a couple years ago, I spent a few hours in the back room with a lovely lady who treated me right. I thought she was smokingly hot, but my friends insisted looked a lot like a cross between Ann Coulter (without the penis, with the Adam’s Apple) and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. When my friends and my little friend disagree, who should I side with? Should I give a shit about what my friends think? Or should I ignore their mockery and just enjoy it as these Amazons rub their sweet man-hands all over me?
Waaaaaaait a second. A-Rod, is that you?
Strippers are a matter of preference. Listen to your penis. And if your friends give you shit, tell them they should be thanking you for getting one of the ugly ones out of the way, leaving more hot ones for them.
As for football — everyone’s talking about the possible return of Brett Favre, but no one’s paying attention to the original Comeback Kid, Doug Flutie. Does that feisty little Hobbit have a shot with the Vikings too?
Sincerely,
Cheese
No, but if he could drop-kick Favre in the junk, we’d all appreciate it.
To the bishops of bukkake,
Football: My friends and I are doing a live fantasy football draft the same day as our buddy’s bachelor party who is also in the league, how can we make fantasy football draft awesome?
Sex: The day of my buddy’s bachelor party we are also doing a live in person fantasy football draft, what can we do for the bachelor party to follow up an already kickass day?
We got this pair of questions worded differently from two different people; I’m going with this one because his email was shorter. But the other guy was all psyched to bring strippers and have tits on display at the fantasy draft. Let me be explicit here: DON’T HAVE STRIPPERS AT YOUR FUCKING FANTASY DRAFT. It’s a fantasy draft, for fuck’s sake. Do you enjoy getting laughed at by women? Do you like it when one of the guys in the league is distracted and takes forever to make a pick?
Also, while I enjoy the noble profession of stripping and the wares on display, I want to suggest an alternative to having a wild “last night of freedom” filled with boobs and lap dances and sluts in loud clubs. I’ve now gone to a couple bachelor parties where the groom, rather than getting group lap dances and dangerously shitfaced, instead focused on spending time with his friends. Jackasses will gleefully dismiss this as gay, but a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship. And it’s more respectful to the bride to boot.
Dear Dick-Joke Santa Clauses,
Sex: I started last year. We clearly were into each other but both busy with school and two jobs each. We talked constantly throughout the day via texting, but rarely got a chance to hang out. In other words, we got to know each other before we got to KNOW each other, in the biblical sense (See what I did there?).
Yes. You’re very clever.
Anyway, so she turns out to be a closet freak and tells me about how her and her ex had occasional threesomes, she’s down for the backdoor and she has an army of toys she uses on herself nightly. Of course I assumed this would translate to crazy cool sex when that finally happened. WRONG. We’ve been doing the nasty for about 2 months now and I’ve never had more boring sex in my life. She’s easily the hottest girl I’ve ever been with, so I try not to complain. But shit, how do I unchain the beast?
Wow, you must be terrible in bed.
No, no, I kid. Maybe. For you, sir, I recommend something that’s been trumpeted in just about about every mailbag ever: open and honest communication. Tell her you’re concerned about her being satisfied, ask her what she likes, bring up the subject of the sex toys and offer to help her use them, etc.
Football: Who is the third-best RB behind Purple Jesus and Michael “Missle Silos for Legs” Turner? Is DeAngelo Williams gunna keep it up from last year? Also, if A-Rodge has another year as good as last season, I demand he gets a better Kharacter. How do you improve on Goth Aaron Rodgers? I don’t know. That’s your job. Make it happen.
-Sincerely,
Proponent of Cheese Fellatio (Get it? Cheese Head! HA!)
DeAngelo Williams is a mystery to me. He could very well have another outstanding year, but… I don’t know. He’s burned fantasy owners before; he can burn them again. Some people will say MJD or Steven Jackson, but I’m high on Matt Forte. With 1200 yards and 60+ receptions last season, his only weakness was a relatively low TD total for his yardage (8 rushing, 4 receiving). Some people say his touches will go down with Cutler airing it out; I say the run game will have a better chance to succeed, and he’ll get more opportunities near the goal line.
As for content at KSK, we accept polite suggestions. We ignore demands. Fuck you, fuck Aaron Rodgers, and fuck your parenthetical explanations. And also, thank you for your email.
Conquistadores del putang,
Football first, for football is life. I am a first time Fantasy Football player playing in a 10 man league. I’m not one of those noobs who doesn’t understand how the whole things work, in fact, I think I have a pretty strong grasp on it. Problem is, I’m a die hard Bears fan, and everyone keeps taunting me with the whole “Refrain from picking Cutler first!” deal. I’m not retarded, I know he would be a decent mid round pick at best… Thing is though, I’m really set on making Forte my first round pick. I’m a firm believer that he should get the same amount of yards, if not even more on less carries due to the fact that he should face a lot fewer 8-man (and, as i saw last year, occasional 9 -man) fronts. On top of his running ability, he scores points as a WR too. Some say he was just used as a dump-off man for Orton when he couldn’t connect to someone else, and that will be gone, BUT, I think they will now actually run plays designed for him to catch the ball, thus, his receiving production not going down at all. So, should I stick with my instinct and face the taunts of “Bear fan can’t live without his precious Bears” and laugh as he gets more points than AP?
As discussed, there’s no shame in making Forte a first-round pick. You’d have to have some seriously homeristic cojones to take him first overall, but he’ll be selected in the top five or six in any league worth its salt.
Now for the banging. I’ve been seeing this girl now for just over a year, and everything is great, and all. We started seeing each other in high school, and now happen to be going to the same university. I have nothing wrong with her, she is, as i stated earlier, amazing in every way. Recently though, a small problem has creeped up. Her slightly younger, but far more attractive sister (If you are one to rank women, solid 9, potential 10, I’m talking REALY FUCKING SEXY) who has always stayed out of our way and ignored us, has started flirting with me…a lot. As it is, I’m 18, with a great girl, but, am tormented with having to look at her sister, and wishing my girl had tits and an ass like that. What the fuck should I do? I can’t leave her for her sister, the sister is actually realy annoying, but, as previously stated, mind-blowingly hot, but, I can’t just sit around with this going on.
J-Beks
flubby: boo fucking hoo
PUNTE: Seriously. I’d drown my mother in a bathtub for this asshole’s problems.
Me: “Wah wah wah, the hot teenage ass I get is so saggy compared to her younger sister’s hot teenage ass.” In retrospect, this was not the best question to ask a group of men who are largely in their thirties and married.
Sup harbingers of death and football and sexy friday,
I’ve had my eye on one of my closest lady friends for several months, and we’ve always said that we would of at least had a fling or something if she were in college and didn’t have to worry about her parents. See, now we’re going to college, but she’s going to somewhere fancy on the other side of the state and I’m going to a rather average university closer to home. Now, I know I could hit that if I wanted to, but I’ve always held out for something a little bit closer to a real relationship. Seeing as how that’s going to be impossible, should I pursue this sexy time in the coming month or keep in contact and wait for another opportunity to pursue her both romantically and sexually a few years down the line?
Oh, college students. The naivete would be cute if it hadn’t been us at that age. It really doesn’t matter, son. If you’re meant to be together, you can have sex now and still cultivate a real “relationship” after college. Go sow some oats.
For handegg, which Iggles WR would you rather have in fantasy, Kevin Curtis or DeSean Jackson? Jackson could either improve on his impressive rookie season or slump, while Kevin Curtis could either be a hobbled, useless, white guy or a bonafide Wes Welker, given the increased attention Action Jackson will draw.
Oh, tough one. I tend to be wary of the sophomore slump (even with Matt Forte), and Curtis can turn in some great numbers. But I think your question is fundamentally flawed: in a draft, how often do you have to choose between two players on the same team at the same position? If you’re an Eagles fan who just HAS to draft an Eagles player with this next pick, then you’re a fool. Take the best available for your needs. Odds are you’ll never have to choose between these two.
Dudes,
So I’ve been dating this girl for about 9 months and it’s going great. She’s funny, very well educated, has a great job and I’m pretty sure she’s the one. [She's] the youngest of four with three older brothers, I was going to be the first guy she brought home to Mom and Dad. One problem, the family resides in Florida and we’re farther north, so we all decide to take a vacation together. Upon getting to vacation, they graciously led us to where we would be sleeping: the sun room. One problem: sun rooms are made of glass and you can see every goddamn thing that happens.
RAWR!
But we’re both 27 and can make good, rational decisions. However, after dinner and drinks I’m attacked by my girlfriend in the bedroom that night. She’s on top and not giving up. Although [this is] normally awesome and encouraged there’s one problem: I can see her F*CKING PARENTS AND BROTHERS in the other room while we do it. All it would take is any member of her family to do more than glance in the sunroom or want some fresh air and they’d see me, the newbie, balls deep in their little sister/beloved daughter/symbol of everything good and innocent in this world.
Yes! That makes it hotter!
She tries to calm me down by saying: “They really like you and they’d want us to have sex”.
Awesomest. Girl. Ever.
I’m sure they like me. And I’m sure they assume that we’ve had sex at some point. But this has to be the stupidest f*cking thing uttered by anyone, ever. Which leads me to my question: Fathers, if you allow your daughter and boyfriend to sleep in the same bed, are you subliminally insinuating that you expect them to have sex? I’m no father, but I’m pretty sure I’d have “Never see my daughter have sex” at the top of my priority list.
So then I finished and faked being asleep.
-Sad but True
Pssshhhh, so they didn’t even see you ballin’ her? Then what’s the problem? Sure, I understand that the situation was terrifying for you, and your girlfriend was being reckless with your potentially fragile standing with her family. On the other hand, RECKLESSNESS IS SEXY. Enjoy the fact that you’ve got a great girlfriend who wants sex with you no matter what. Then take her to your parents’ place and make her give you a handjob at the dinner table.
Dear Assplay Aficionados,
Sex- I have been with my girlfriend for over two years, her and her son (age 6) both moved into my house about a year and a half ago.
I apologize for doing this, but: “SHE and her son…” Can’t have you teaching your potentially adopted son incorrect grammar.
We’re in our upper twenties, so we’re not elderly yet, but we don’t live a very Pacman-esque life either. Basically, I feel like I’m an old married dude with a Ketel One habit. She’s a great girl, no more of a pain in the ass than any other chick, and I get pooper whenever I want. I sorta miss the skirt chasing, partying, do-whatever-I-want life that I led before though. Ultimately, what I have right now is the goal, I just didn’t think that it would come this early. So tell me; is 27 to soon to be tied down, break it off, and start plowing through all the trim I can without getting McNair’d? Or do I quit whining about having a decent, albeit mundane relationship? Some of you guys are hitched, is it worth it?
Well, 27 is certainly NOT too young to be married. My parents got hitched at 22 and 19 and are still in love with each other (weirdos). And most married men will tell you that the love and stability you get in marriage is preferable to being out chasing tail and being frustrated by not finding someone who’s cool and not crazy. However, the key is finding a person who makes you happy, someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. Most people in relationships headed in that direction don’t call it “decent” and “mundane.”
So do what you have to do, but don’t romanticize the notion of partying and skirt-chasing just because you’re in a relationship. There’s really nothing wrong with being an old married dude with a Ketel One habit, as long as that’s what you find fulfilling.
Football- I’m starting a dynasty league this year. I have never played in IDP leagues or PPR, and this will be both. Standard scoring for offense. Defense will have a DL (line or linebacker), DB, and a IDP Flex spot. 2pt sacks, int’s, fumble recovery. 1 point for forced fumble, pass defended, every 3 tackles. 4 points for the IDP touchdown, no return yards. What round should I think about starting to draft IDPs? And with the PPR aspect, who would the top 3 picks be? People keep telling me MJD would be better than Purp Jeezy. I tell them to drink antifreeze.
Sincerely,
Get Off My Lawn
PUNTE: PJ will be No. 1, hands down. As far as IDPs, I like to grab one guy in the first five rounds and then round out my starting lineup when the offense is picked, but I think a DRC-type player would be worth a 3rd rd pick or even a 2nd. I haven’t done the math on IDPs in a couple years, but DBs will be valuable in that format and they’re super-scarce to begin with.
Dear purveyors of poon,
SEX: I’m a 20 year-old engineering student at a university with a 3:1 male-to-female ratio, so I basically have no chance of getting laid more than two or three times during the school year, by sheer force of numbers. I also have no chance of getting laid during the summer, because I’m not that good looking, and I don’t know many available women.
Sounds awesome.
To solve this problem, I went to one of my female friends and offered a “friends with benefits” situation. She’s just a few months out of a 3 year relationship, and has made clear that she’d love to get laid with no strings attached. She turned me down; nicely if it makes a difference.
Wait, you approached her with the offer? Why not just go straight to her father and see how many head of cattle is in her dowry? What an awkward thing to propose. What are you, some kind of engineering student who’s never around any wom– Oh.
For the record, the way to get into a FWB situation is a simple three-step process with very little variation: (1) Get drunk together. (2) Hook up. (3) “I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
My question is, am I justified in just dropping her friendship like a bad habit now I know she won’t fuck me? I have plenty of friends, so I’m in the market for something else. Of everyone I know, she’s the most needy and demanding. If I didn’t do anything about it, she would literally instant message with me every available moment, and when we do talk or hang out, I have to carry the conversation. It’s basically like we’re dating, except she’s interchangeable with a fire hydrant for all intents and purposes. Is it wrong to cut off this emotional leech if I’m not getting anything out of it, mainly vagina?
Friends who are needy, demanding emotional leeches aren’t worth your time — be they male or female.
FOOTBALL: I was born and grew up in Drew’s favorite state, New Hampshire (Prep schools, flannel shirts, and strip malls, oh joy). This makes me, by default, a Pats fan. I have followed them since I was conscious enough to know I love football (the Drew Bledsoe era was AMAZING), and I’m a veritable force of football knowledge and know-how, but my problem is that everyone lumps me in with the fans who think that TAHMMY BRADY IS THA LAWHD AND SAY-VIUH, AND TEDY BRUSCHI IS HIS AAAHK-ANGEL. What can I do to keep from being a joke and/or laughingstock anywhere I go?
Sincerely,
Dan
Anyone who cheers for the team closest to their childhood home needn’t apologize for liking that team. Take pride in your Pats fandom, and be an ambassador of Pats fans wherever you go. If you handle yourself with dignity and are anything resembling a decent, intelligent human being, people will be pleasantly surprised. It’s good to break down stereotypes.
/puts on pants
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
July 9th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
“They really like you and they’d want us to have sex”.
forget Awesomest. Girl. Ever., more like Awesomest. Parents. Ever.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
It’s really sad that anyone considers the time to get married a function of age. It certainly explains the insane divorce rates.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I know I can hit that anytime
COOL STORY BROSEPH1!1one
July 9th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Erm. I thought Joe Montana was “the Original Comeback Kid.”
July 9th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Also: she’s had threesomes, she collects sex toys… but the sex with you is lame? This is really fucking simple. She likes chicks.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
And dad that would want you to have sex with his daughter has something seriously wrong with him. The most healthy and reasonable attitude is a grudging acceptance of the fact that she could have chosen someone far, far worse and the expectation that said daughter’s sexuality would never be a topic of discussion and certainly not on display.
Awesome story, though.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
being scratched isn’t odd. were you not around for the fetish tourney? i’m a fan of being scratched too and you don’t need a psycho insane crazy bitch to do it. i’ve found that most girls will dig their nails into your back if you just mention that you enjoy it. i then show the scratches off to my friends cause i’m in need of their approval.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
ahahahahah. For every newly wifed-up dude I know bemoaning the loss of “the skirt chasing, partying, do-whatever-I-want life that I led before though,” I know 10 going out of their minds post-breakup because they’ve forgotten that most skirts don’t want their goodies, partying gives you miserable hangovers that suck when you don’t have anyone to bring you Gatorade and watch football with you in the morning, and “do whatever I want” usually means “get fat from binging on shitty takeout because I no longer have my girlfriend around to insist that we get sushi instead.”
Ufford, I loved this mailbag, and I’m heartened to know I’m not alone in my confidence that Matt Forte will remain awesome despite this new “having a quarterback” thing Chicago’s trying. FORTE!
July 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
To ham-fistedly paraphrase Chris Rock: “No matter how much your girlfriend says her dad likes you, you’re still the guy fucking his daughter.”
July 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
“a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship. And it’s more respectful to the bride to boot.”
AWWW, our little captain caveman is growing up. Sniff
/totally agree
July 9th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@guy with boring sex even though the girl talked herself up
like mena suvari’s character in american beauty. seems to be more of a male trait, but girls like this do exist. they talk about how great they are in bed and how many people told them that they were their best, etc. and can’t back it up in the bedroom. be positive, at least you’re having sex.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
@Vailripper …. wow, seriously. Age doesn’t matter. Finding someone you’ll want to talk to (or even be around) when you’re old enough to have to choose between sex and not having a heart attack is the priority here.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
“McNair’d” – heh, funny…
Can’t believe that female friend turned down the “friends with benefits” offer – what woman wouldn’t want a not-very-good-looking dude who describes her as interchangeable with a fire hydrant? Yeah, I realize you probably (?) didn’t say this to her or around her so that she could hear it, but I’m guessing your contempt is thinly disguised, if it’s disguised at all.
Friends with benefits – all the benefits of prostitution except for the money. Awesome!
July 9th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Dan – Step away from the Differential Equations text book and think about it. This girl constantly wants to talk to you over IM, has no interpersonal skills whatsover and wasn’t cool with friends with benefits?!? Two words:
Geek Love. She has spent so much time playing World of Warcraft that she has no idea how to interact with people face to face. She texts you because she thinks you are the hottest troll in the Horde and she wants more than friends w/ bennies.
You have two choices, get away from her, or start planning the Klingon wedding. The good news is geeks tend to be kind of kinky…did you see American Pie?
July 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
@pats fan
i went to school in boston and definitely met my share of pats fans that were very tolerable. as long as you show you understand the game and know enough to discuss other parts of the game that dont involve claims such as “tom brady is the greatest QB ever and pats are the greatest team ever,” then fans of other teams will respect you.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Hey, you know what would be cool? If we become friends with benefits. Cool? Ok, fill out this brief questionnaire that lists all your sexual likes/dislikes and fetishes. When your done with that just remove your pants and underpants and flip this light switch, I’ll be in shortly thereafter.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
i like getting scratched also, and having the heels my wife’s stripper boots dug into my back as I am eating her out.
I;m sorry, is that TMI??
Anyway, yeah, as a dad, if I see you even KISSING my daughter I feel I have the right to kick you in the nuts and make you eat yesterday’s garbage. How this girl is OK with her parents potentially watching you two have sex is beyond me.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
“but a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship. And it’s more respectful to the bride to boot.”
Add a reach around and thats quite the night allright.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
[i][She's] the youngest of four with three older brothers[/i]
I’d be more worried about the three older brothers than just dad alone: with those numbers, they could draw and quarter your daughter/sister F-ing ass
July 9th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Speaking as someone who has been to a ton of bachelor parties over the last 15 years, Ufford’s suggestion is by far the best. The few bachelor parties that stand out are like the one he described. Personally I find strip clubs depressing.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
“Not only is Montreal home to the most international of coffees” – That is a well executed Simpsons reference if ever I’ve seen one. I hope you have a good time at your gargantuan bachelor party and get a wonderful lap dance from your own personal Princess Cashmere.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Hey Get Off My Lawn, you are living like married so how does it fit? If it sucks then get out of it. I’ve gotten out of a marriage 4 times. Oink, chuckle Oink, snort. Futuremrsrickankiel, you like pork? Oink.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Caveman, I think it’s possible to have a bachelor party with both your idea and the strippers-and-booze shenanigans. The bachelor parties I’ve been to have all been weekend-long trips to destination places (Vegas, Lake Tahoe … uh, Portland) and have included one night of debauchery and one night of just hanging out. Plus, daytime activities usually include golf, the gun range, wakeboarding, gambling, etc. You can have it all!
But yeah, given the choice, blow off the strip club. Not worth the money.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Add the vote of this recently de-bachelored man to Ufford’s (growing) camp.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
You knock Get Off My Lawn for an objective pronoun but you let naive college student say “would of”? Christamighty what kind of grammarian are you?
July 9th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
That last guy goes to Georgia Tech…no doubt about it.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
One of my best friends had us all rent a house in Nags Head in the NC Outer Banks for a long weekend, Wednesday to Sunday. It was nice, and he was gracious enough to cover a lion’s share of the cost.
It was also gayer than a fanny pack full of rainbows. He even got snitty with me because I, at the best man’s suggestion, brought along some of the finest selections from my porn library.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
@Dieter
That should have began, “For his bachelor party last year…”
July 9th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
That last guy goes to Georgia Tech…no doubt about it.
Precisely what I thought, too. But I didn’t want to make any assumptions.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Get Off My Lawn:
One complication you have that most of the other people who write in with relationship/sex problems don’t have is your girlfriend’s six-year-old son. If you don’t want to be with his mother any longer, you’re going to be breaking up with him too. I’m not saying you should stay with her because of him, but you need to think about him when you’re evaluating the whole package. Are you ready to be a dad to this kid living in your house?
July 9th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Doesn’t sound like the kid from the Shire is that great of an ambassador for the Pats. Just sayin.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship. And it’s more respectful to the bride to boot.
I’m with Johnny K and Dieter. Ufford just came out of the closet.
For a proper bachelor party, you don’t go to a strip club. You pay the strippers to come to your house/hotel suite/rented room, etc. At least two of them. With toys and props. If they’re good at what they do, when they finish, you will stand up and sing, in unison, God Bless America.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Also, of my group of friends who have gotten married, my bachelor party was the only one that involved a strip club. This was NOT my choice. I was the first one in the group to get married and one of my friends insisted we all had to go to a strip club. I was practically dragged along, to a crappy strip club in an industrial park in Baltimore (my friend thought you couldn’t get lap dances in DC).
Every bachelor party since has been a guys’ night out, with good food, games, cigars, and jokes about the shitty strip club we went to for my party.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Jackasses will gleefully dismiss this as gay…
I couldn’t be happier that I qualified that. Thanks, claude balls, for coming through — yet again — as the person with the least to offer in this comments section.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Recently though, a small problem has creeped up. Her slightly younger, but far more attractive sister (If you are one to rank women, solid 9, potential 10, I’m talking REALY FUCKING SEXY) who has always stayed out of our way and ignored us, has started flirting with me…a lot.
So Kade is reading KSK now? What the fuck does it take to have this guy fackin off-ed? Your semi-problems mean shit to me. Now convince the younger sister to join you in a threesome and remember to take pictures…brah.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@cc
The bachelor party is supposed to be the last hurrah before getting hitched. Why do something (like a men only steak and poker night) that the future bride would permit at any point before or after the wedding?
July 9th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Nice Purple Jesus references today. FF players; don’t make this hard on yourself. Pick every single Vikings available for they will score points in the vagina-fulls.
You’re welcome.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
For all of you fags debating on how a bachelor party should be done, here are three simple words to ensure a great evening:
Kill. A. Stripper.
I guarantee that one of the guy’s with you will still fuck the corpse though.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
@Lucky Like Little:
The point of the “guys’ night out” bachelor party is that it’s the sort of thing that you will get to do far less of now that you are getting married. As you and your friends marry and start families, you don’t have time to get together with them just to hang out and watch sports, drink, eat unhealthy food, etc. Think about what you and your friends do for fun now. You won’t be able to do those things as much after you get married, and even if you think your wife would be cool enough to let you watch football with your buddies every Sunday, their wives might not be so accommodating. Having a bachelor party where you do that sort of thing lets you all enjoy the way your lives were before women came in and screwed everything up.
By the way, if you and your friends like to go to strip clubs together, then by all means make that your bachelor party. But most guys I know don’t go to strip clubs on a regular basis, so there’s no reason we’d want to do that just because one of us is getting married.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
@CC: Ouch. I offer you the perfect bachelor party solution — it allows for the finer things you hold dear while at the same time offering the attendees with functioning libidos what they want — and you shit all over it. Probably one of those unformed dribbly, ploppy shits that the frequently-assfucked suffer from.
And just because you predicted we would rip you for your gay suggestion doesn’t mean that we call you on it.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I’m fine with the idea of the chill bachelor party, I also think strip clubs are overrated, but what’s the general consensus on where they should be held?
As in, can you have them in your city, or do you have to travel for them? I have friends who ended up staying local for their buddy’s party, and I can’t think of something more depressing. I suppose you can’t go to Vegas or New Orleans every time, but you got to go somewhere, right?
July 9th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
*shouldn’t call you on it
Sorry about that.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
This might be a half-formed idea, but I think the bachelor party should be held over a weekend, and at the sametime/location as the bachelorette party. If the cards are played right, all the grooms friends and all the bride’s friends can start fucking before the wedding…
/i’m 23
/i live in a fantasy world…
July 9th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
bigblue’sd – that’s a terrible idea. Perhaps the one occasion on which a group of drunk girls is a universally bad thing is when they’re at a bachelorette party. (Don’t believe me? Go to a dive bar anywhere in America on a Saturday night, shadow one of these herds, and by the 4th off-key karaoke’d rendering of “You Shook Me All Night Long”, believe me, you’ll want to off yourself). Save it for the wedding night, when you have all the same opportunities except without the tiaras, boas and socially-acceptable mass retardery.
Claude Balls & Caveman — get a room, won’t you?
July 9th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I used the ’scratch the fuck outta me’ method to curb my premature load blowing back in my early twenties. And then realized that I liked it. Just present it to her correctly, be subtle. If she likes you enough, she’ll be game.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Fair enough, claude balls. You’re entitled to your opinion, and I probably owed you at least a more creative insult.
How old are you, by the way? By your tone I’d guess 24 or younger, and by your ironclad certainty about what works I’d guess you’ve been to two bachelor parties.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
@Sad But True: I really don’t have a response but, “Nice……”
@ J-Beks: Seriously, not the greatest question to ask. However, it seems obvious that she is flirting with you because since you are dating her sister, “You’re deemed safe.” There is a small % chance that she is into you but what’s the reason to fuck up your current situation. Outside of the threesome scenario, just say no.
@Dan: The “friends with benefits” is clearly one of the greatest inventions of man but NEVER get into one with a needy girl. Also even if the ratio is 3 to 1, you can make it work. Worst case scenario is that you have to scam on the squirrel at a near by community college.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@ BigBlue’sd
Its not such a terrible idea, but it depends entirely on the groups involved. I recently went to a buddy’s bachelor party which was held in the same city as his lady’s party, but the parties were separate for most of the time. The last event of the weekend was a get together BBQ with the girls, and it was a blast, with more than one hookup taking place.
I wouldn’t recommend combining the two parties any more than that though, and again this may not work with every group.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Tom Hanks vs. Adrian Zmed….WHO YA GOT?!?!?
July 9th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
From what I’ve heard, if you’re gonna do the drunken stripper blowout, for the love of cheese, don’t do it the night before the wedding. Same for the bachelorette shit. Do that shit the week before, so you have time to recover (and to get rid of any of those pesky dead strippers).
FWIW, I agree that hanging out and smoking and just doing guy shit, with no bitches around, sounds like more fun than the stripper thing. But I’m a chick, so my opinion in this area probably doesn’t count for much. I understand the appeal of strip clubs (kinda, I guess), but is going to a titty bar really that big of a deal? Once married, he’ll never go to a strip club again? Really? How sad.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Bachelor Parties: as long as they’re planned by Adrian Zmed and your bride is a young Tawney Kitaen, you’re golden
July 9th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Dear Matt,
Could you please tell everyone in the next mailbag who uses “Conquistadores del putang” or any oh-so-clever variation thereof as a greeting to kindly fuck the fuck off?
Thanks.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
RE StuScottBooyahs Says:
Dear Matt, Could you please tell everyone in the next mailbag who uses “Conquistadores del putang” or any oh-so-clever variation thereof as a greeting to kindly fuck the fuck off?
I’m gonna second this one. Those clever nicknames are usually lame as shit. I think a simple “Hey, fags” or “O Wise Ones” should suffice.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Speaking of bewbs, here’s Carmen Electra topless: http://thesuperficial.com/
(you may have to scroll down a bit)
I’m not a lesbian, but I do know a nice rack when I see it.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Peter Cavan just spit the realest shit ever wrote in the mailbag comments…
Also re: locations, I’ve found that it depends on the age groups involved. If its a group of people who are maybe still in law/grad school, or relatively entry level jobs (say, 22-25 range) then “beach” seems like a great option; older than that, and you should try to make it to a Vegas or NO or Montreal (if you do it right, it won’t even be that bad, as those places are built on travel and you can find sick deals well in advance).
On that note, dealing with finances needs to be handled delicately; for example, one that I went to, we all helped pay for a friend in his PHD program (and thus, broke beyond what his years would seem to indicate) and it was totally worth it because he was one of our best friends, so help a brother out. Do what you need to do to make sure the people who need to be there get there and can have a great time.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
BachParFlaWa?
/wants George Bluth, Sr. to plan his bachelor party
July 9th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
@Peter Cavan
I will give you that priorities are different for different men. At my quarterly steak night, about half of the men are married, and about half of them have kids. They made it a priority after being married to get some time away – and honestly that makes a positive difference in their marriages.
My issue with cc’s “jackass” statement is what he described is good, but not forbidden to the married man. If your wife thinks having a steak and a shot of whisky with friends once in a while is bad – well, I hope you enjoy the mundane. However, the strippers, binge drinking, and etc. aren’t recommended for responsible married people, which is why it is perfect to showcase them in a bachelor party.
If we accept that bachelor parties are comprised of activities only for single men (and the bride agrees as well), making it a nice dinner and poker probably sends the message that such tame activity will be forbidden after the wedding night. And for my male friends (single and married), that’s not the right message.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Re: Bachelor Parties,
I actually just threw a BP for my best friend, who is getting married in about 48 hours or so. Here’s some suggestions.
- Tailor the party to the groom. If he’s a low key guy, eat some meat, have some drinks, call it a night. If he’s a bachelor-for-life, feel free to hit up the strip club. If he’s chill, go camping in the woods and smoke out the joint.
We did a Brazillian Steakhouse (unlimited meat and waxed hoo-ha’s; is there anything the Brazillians CAN’T make more awesome?), and some drinking, then did a really eclectic but awesome breakfast place and hit up an amusement park for some rollercoasters. We did dinner at his favorite pizza place (We were in Chicago, so it fit), and then some hardcore drinking. We met with the Bachelorette Party for brunch the next day.
- Keep the numbers reasonable. Anything more than 6-8 gets messy and you end up losing people.
- Make sure you split the costs fairly. No one, especially the Best Man, should end up footing the bill for everything. If someone does end up picking up the tab, make sure you pay them back in a timely manner.
- Don’t do it right before the wedding. Too much can go wrong. At least a week before. Maybe a month, just to cut down on instances of wedding insanity.
- Make sure you confiscate his cell phone. His fiance will text him unless you do. It’s annoying as fuck.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
I’m right with you lucky like little. I have a feeling most of the guys against strip clubs are older married men who probably had a much different viewpoint in their 20’s. There are always exceptions, of course.
And good points, Monkey business. I think for a trip the numbers can be a little bigger since it should be better organized, but over 10 is really pushing it. Regardless of whether most guys do or do not think a bachelor party needs titties, it should always cater to the groom. Getting him drunk, though, is pretty much a must.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
@Peter Cavan
Your buddy was right about no lapdancing at DC strip clubs.
Did you go to MacDougles?
July 9th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I remember the bachelor party we threw for my brother: it involved the steak dinner, some gambling and a stop at an upscale gentleman’s club. Overall not bad. In retrospect, I think the money spent at the strip club might have been better spent gambled at the tables — after all, complete disregard for financial stability is not something a wife will let you get away with but is immense fun.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
I’ll chime in on the bachelor party thing. I’ve been to a bunch of bp’s. And the best one’s involved no strippers. The best one I went to we went to Vegas, played 2 rounds of golf, gambled a lot, got a kick ass steak dinner at Del Frisco’s, and drank a lot. A few guys went to a strip club on their own.
The older I got the less I cared about strippers at bp’s, I didn’t have any at my bp. In other words I agree with CC and a few other guys here.
I’m a 37 year old dad so my opinion will probably be different from a 25 year old single cooz hound.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I’ve heard rumours of these “steak and poker” BPs but always thought it was some myth created by panicked brides-to-be.
Even in my mid-30s I would find something like that depressing as hell. As Lucky Like Little suggests that something you do once a quarter or to celebrate someone’s promotion – not to mark one of the biggest events in a man’s life. It’s just … wrong. Like alcohol-free beer. It defeats its own purpose.
Anyway my view is that if you’re not planning on doing something really memorable (which doesn’t necessarily have to involve strippers) just don’t do it. There’s no rule saying you must have a BP. If for whatever reason, the groom’s not up for something big just forego the whole “going through the motions” exercise. It’s more dignified.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Captain Caveman and others – What’s the consensus about inviting the dad of the groom to the bachelor party?
It seems like the nice thing to do and BP’s I’ve been to where this happened, the dad really enjoyed himself – but you also feel obligated to tone it down a bit. Maybe make one less cock n’ balls joke or have one less shot.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
The thing is the older you get the more likely you are to live far away from your high school or college friends. Yeah I can go play golf or go out to dinner with some friends from work, but I can’t see my life long friends every weekend. So just getting together and hanging out together is a big deal, the rest of the shit we do are minor details.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
@Ryno, I’ve never been to a bp where the grooms dad has been in attendance, but chances are most dad’s can still drink the kids under the table. If it is something like golf or going to a ball game I say invite him along.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
@ Ryno
I went to one with the Groom’s dad present (though not for all of the activities), and it was great. It worked out because we all knew and liked the dad, who is an awesome guy, and it didn’t hurt that he had deep pockets and wanted to make sure we all had a great time.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Finally the mailbag! It’s the highlight of my week. Sad but True: Suck it up, guys dream for that girl.
Have you seen the Audriana Patridge commercial. HOT!!!!
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/07/07/my-ad-report-card-carls-junior-audrina-patridge-her-bikini-and-the-teriyaki-burger/
July 9th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Funny that nobody has commented on the kitten with a whip up there, incongruously posed in a very domestic setting.
I like it.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:23 am
@Dieter: I believe the “domestic setting” you speak of is Ufford’s take on the sun room.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:44 am
@Zack
Ah, yes. I was imagining a solarium.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:50 am
I have nothing to add, I just missed the mailbag a lot.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:56 am
If I actually follow the advice and you leave me with Matt Forte and he craps the bed? Well, I’m probably going to..Whine about it. Dammit.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:15 am
OK, I got my mind right Boss!
Scratching back guy. Yes, It is good. If she is involved at all, you can ask and she will comply.
Bachelor parties: Go to New Orleans. That’s all I have to say about that.
J-Beks: No fuck sister. NO FUCK! You will officially screw up everything and will probably die cold and alone.
Sad But True: I am the father of two daughters who have moved along and have lives of their own. Current ages 28 and 19. If I was the host of the scenario you described I would probably go all Shep Proudfoot on your ass.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hld6PztQrIc
Fuckin’ little weasel.
Get Off My Lawn: Marriage at 27 is fine. I was 28. It was great! for the first 5 or so years, then she starts to have a little habit that at first you thought was cute, a quirk, and now it starts to grate on you. After 6-7 years it starts to annoy. After years 8-10 you begin to wonder why you did this in the first place. Years 9-10 are based solely upon the fact that you want your kids to have a nice, safe family home. Around year ten regret and second thoughts kick in. Then you meet a hot little 20 year old cupcake who tells you that “You deserve to be happy too”. And it all goes downhill from there. I have one couple that I have ever met who are still together after 15 years and they had a two year trial separation. Think about child support. Seriously.
So there’s that on top of it.
Dan: Stay friends with the girl. Life changes. People become more desperate. Keep her on speed dial.
I missed the mail bag, too
July 10th, 2009 at 1:59 am
How did Sad But True get away with not asking a football question?
July 10th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Sad but True, that’s some pretty dangrous ground your treading. Maybe she’s nuts and trying to prove something to Dad? Be vewwy vewwy careful, Elmer has a shotgun.
When my daughter started dating I killed the first boy that came to the door for her and left the body in the yard as a warning to the others.
Now, 10 years later, if I saw my daughter fucking some guy in a solarium in my house he’d have every pane of glass from said solarium kicked up his ass with my size 12 shoe.
Yes, I’m sure she’s doing it with a guy in a couple year relationship who treats her great, is gainfully employed and doing grad school to treat her better in the future. They’re also 200 miles away and discrete when here so he has grudging approval.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:34 am
*you’re* I plead vaca hangover.
yeah, right?: I hit that link. You got it, needs more blood though.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
The “have the strippers delivered” bp’s I have been to have been the absolute worst. Worse talent, more awkward — guys sitting around in a circle in the living room waiting to happen. The stripper(s) pay a lot of attention to the groom, the best man (who has the cash) and the one overly drunken guy who’s making an ass of himself. The rest of the guys just sit there like, to steal one of Simmons’ best similies, the third guy in a porn scene. Not being out in public means that at least one person gets way more drunk than normal. I had to drag my BIL out into the driveway and clean him off with a hose at his at home bachelor party.
For me, if I want to go to a skrip club, it’s after a day or weekend of hanging out and breaking the ice. It’s the capper of the day, not the be all and end all. Still, I’d rather drink, and strip clubs are not very condusive to that.
July 10th, 2009 at 10:01 am
“…start plowing through all the trim I can without getting McNair’d?”
Definitely not too soon for that joke.
July 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am
awesome mailbag.
and this needed posted again.
ahahahahah. For every newly wifed-up dude I know bemoaning the loss of “the skirt chasing, partying, do-whatever-I-want life that I led before though,” I know 10 going out of their minds post-breakup because they’ve forgotten that most skirts don’t want their goodies, partying gives you miserable hangovers that suck when you don’t have anyone to bring you Gatorade and watch football with you in the morning, and “do whatever I want” usually means “get fat from binging on shitty takeout because I no longer have my girlfriend around to insist that we get sushi instead.”
Ufford, I loved this mailbag, and I’m heartened to know I’m not alone in my confidence that Matt Forte will remain awesome despite this new “having a quarterback” thing Chicago’s trying. FORTE!
\prays girlfriend doesn’t leave him
July 10th, 2009 at 11:12 am
but a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship.
This was my bachelor’s party. It was cool enough, but here’s the thing–I can do this after I’m married. The bachelor’s party is your free pass to have a raucous fucking night. I’m not saying you need to get hummers from twin strippers, but getting some lap dances isn’t crossing any lines unless you’ve agreed with your fiancee not to have strippers or lap dances.
So go fucking crazy and drink yourself stupid enough to make some questionable decisions.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I’ve planned a few bachelor parties, and this was the best:
1) Golf tournament – with prizes! I had a few custom ribbons made
2) Pizza dinner. We went to get Chicago style pizza and pitchers of beer.
3) Poker Tournament. As a gift, we all chipped-in on a nice set of custom-made poker chips for the groom.
All in, it was a good time. We had 12 for golf and 16 for poker. It was a long day, though, and I wish I paced myself – I drank from ~10:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. and had to set a good example (as best man).
July 10th, 2009 at 11:42 am
So my ex is stripping now, if anyone is having a bachelor party.
I agree with the strip club thing. Definitely not worth it for a bachelor party. Either do the weekend trip (Vegas, New Orleans, Montreal, etc.) where you can do a bit of everything/anything, or have a stag, and bring the strippers to you, in a private setting.
Oh, and FMRA, you’re wrong about the single guy stuff. Not all of us are slobs who can’t take care of ourselves, thank you.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
“but a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship. ”
You know, you can still do this AND hit a strip club. In my experience, it’s best to spend (at most) 2 hours at a strip club at some point during the party. Big occasion strip club trips are rarely uneventful/forgettable so you’ll always end up with a mix of both awesome & awful stories. Plus, those stories tend to turn into inside jokes that can last for years. Often, the worst experiences at these places turn into the funniest memories years down the line (provided that no one important ends up dead).
July 10th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@ Cheese: “My problem is that, in the past, my friends have mocked me ruthlessly for my choice in strippers.”
My experience is that the more buddies that are around the strippers, the less fun that is had. The critics are usually also to ones that are too insecure to even strike up a conversation with one of the ladies, let alone “participate.” If strippers are involved, listen to the little head, exclusively.
@ All other emailers: F**k off ya bunch of whiners.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Re: Bachelor Parties-
Just went to Montreal for a bachelor party in May.
-Go to Wanda’s stripclub. $8 lap dances from beautiful girls. Supersex is fun, but Wanda’s is much better. (Put the soon to be groom on stage. It’s well worth it.)
-Go to The Circus late night. It’s a dance club that stays open until the morning. They don’t serve alcohol there so sneak in your own, or do lots of the drugs they offer in the bathroom.
-Thursday’s is a fun club for the single guys to hook up with some girls at.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@ TW Andrews
Well said. It makes me sad when guys have a bachelor party that sounds like what my dad and his friends did at least once a month. If you are resigned to the fact that the wife won’t let you get together with your friends every now and then after the wedding, then I have to wonder whether or not we are even friends. Sadly, that describes my relationships with most of my married “friends.”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I think the bachelor party thing largely depends on the age of the groom/his friends. If you’re in your early to mid thirties and are getting together with a bunch of friends that you don’t see very often, and are probably going to see even less often once you start a family in the near future, and the whole stripper scene is very been there done that, then I can see the whole poker/dinner/golf thing being the best plan. However, if you’re in your twenties, and you’re going with a bunch of guys who you get drunk/play poker/eat dinner/play golf with frequently, then you’d probably be better served using the bachelor party as an excuse to hire some escorts/strippers for a live sex show.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
I think the bachelor party thing largely depends on the age of the groom/his friends. If you’re in your early to mid thirties and are getting together with a bunch of friends that you don’t see very often, and are probably going to see even less often once you start a family in the near future, and the whole stripper scene is very been there done that, then I can see the whole poker/dinner/golf thing being the best plan.
That’s what you think now. By the time you’ve been married 6-8 years, you’ll be wishing you’d made the most of that bachelors party. Normally the mailbag responses are pretty good, but I’m calling bullshit here. This is advice that sounds a lot like it was given by guys who are recently married and proud they’ve given up their errant ways for the joys and responsibilities of marriage.
Ask them about this again in 5 years.
July 11th, 2009 at 12:03 am
@Rocco: Would she be willing to strip with a paper bag over her head?
July 11th, 2009 at 1:25 am
@Big Black Richard:
If they serve you a batting practice fastball, you have to take it.
“it’s back; away back and she is gone”!
/That’s my best Vin Scully
//Sorry Rocco
July 12th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
J-Beks & those suggesting 3-some…
First, tell the sister to knock it the fuck off else you’re gonna not only ruin your relationship w/ the older one but their relationship w/ each other.
Second, if you want to end your relationship, by all means suggest a 3-some w/ her sister. Fucking disgusting. Would you have a 3-some w/ your brother or your sister? No? Gross, right? Well, why on earth would you think two sisters would?
I feel for that poor engineering kid, however for me it’s worked that you fuck and THEN ask for the friends w/ benefits thing. Never has just cold asking prior to carnal knowledge worked.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
@Lost in the Office
Think less Diff-EQs and more Accounting/Organizational Behavior and change. Also, the girl isn’t a nerd herself so a Klingon wedding would be out, but I could probably sell her on dressing the priest like Darth Vader.
@Mannyb’nManny
It’s not Georgia Tech, thankfully, because that would mean I’d have the same problems I already do AND I’d be in Georgia. It’s actually Worcester Polytechnic Institute, MIT’s red-headed younger brother.
@Ufford
Thanks for picking my e-mail, glad to have my misanthropic outlook on the whole thing reinforced. Also, great fucking work over at Warming Glow. Since I’m a lonely student, I watch a lot of TV and it’s been a great resource for me.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:00 am
One or two commenters have mentioned this, but here’s the most important thing about the BP: do whatever the fuck the groom-to-be wants to do. Period. Tailor the whole thing towards his interests. I’ve been best man where they want teh strippers – they get them. I’ve been best man when it was a stripper-free event. No strippers.
If any of you ever are selected to be your buddy’s best man, keep that in mind. It’s the only rule. If the dude wants to go to a Star Trek convention, and the other 9 guys hate Star Trek, too bad. The bachelor party is one of the few times in a man’s life where the entire evening, weekend, etc., is all about him.
/Unless it’s super-weird destroy potential marriage stuff