We Must Protect This Unborn Child!
Tom Brady: Listen up, Jizzy. You’re bearing Brady brood now. Big Leagues. And a kid that I actually meant to have, no less. Now, if our wedding and Belichick’s strict regiment of mind conditioning have taught me anything, it is that we are beset on all sides by forces that mean to do us harm. Remember when we had security cap that paparazzo? Tip of the iceberg, baby. Remember: readiness is key.
I want us to have contingency plans in place for any situation. Robbers. Crazed fans. Magma from the skies. The ex. Anything.
So I’ve come up with this comprehensive obstacle course to simulate a number of hazardous scenarios we could be dealing with as we try to raise the child we actually wanted to have. Okay, follow me. I’ll grab Mistake Baby and you can hold your gay little pooch.
C’mon. Faster around the cones. Those could be crazed anarcho-rapists who wish to stab our kid with AIDS blades. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather our kid be free of that stuff. Color me uptight.
There we go. There we go. That’s the hustle I like to see.
Duck the flaming arrows. That’s good. Don’t worry, your hair will only singe.
VIPER PIT! VIPER PIT! You almost plunged right in. What happens when I’m not around next time?
All right. That was decent. But decent isn’t good enough. We’re gonna need to do a lot of work with that. I’ll be damned if my wife delivers before she’s ready to protect my young.
Part of being a good parent isn’t just keeping your kid out of danger, it’s helping them cultivate good instincts about keeping themselves safe. Watch little Mistake Baby go through this minefield.
Look at him go. And that’s a field absolutely brimming with mines. Now, that awareness didn’t just crop up overnight. That is thanks to tireless work on my part. It’s like feeling the rush when you’re a quarterback. Once developed, it’s uncanny and practically second nature. That kid could could cartwheel through that field, no sweat.
Hmmmm.
Didn’t see that coming.
All right. All right. That’s what Mistake Baby is for. Now, if YOU were Bridget, how much would it take to keep you quiet? Like Donte’ Stallworth times diamonds?
Tags: giseleboat, terrible parents, Tom Brady, xmas ape
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Is he wearing a “The Big Lead” hat?
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
We tried going through, but it turned into a high-density field…little bit of everything. Spreng mine 44s, pot mines, A-200s…the wooden bastards that the mine detectors don’t pick up. This road here…they placed Teller mine 43s, l guess for our tanks…from here to the edge of the village. So we marked ‘em and called for the engineers.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
serpentine! serpentine!
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I kinda wish it was Tom in that explosion instead of Mistake.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I wonder if the “I (HEART) Baseball” shirt is the only one Bridget sent for him to wear?
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Too bad. Mistake Baby had the makings of the next Dustin Pedroia. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Was she able to get through the Lightning Sand and avoid attacks from the R.O.U.Ses (Rodents Of Unusual Size) when in the Fire Swamp?
And why is McDaniels trying to stab the kid and give him SuperAIDS? he owes his whole career to Brady.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Who gave Bernard Pollard the detonator?
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Gawd I hope Bridget is crazy enough to get back at Tom by skipping potty training and feeding Mistake Baby Indian curry right before he heads out to weekend daddy’s house.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Tom Brady: Listen up, Jizzy
Right away I thought that he was directing his jizz where to go. But he’s Tom Brady, and he doesn’t need jizzPS.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
You, sir, are a bastard.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I wonder if the “I (HEART) Baseball” shirt is the only one Bridget sent for him to wear?
Tom wanted him to wear the “Baseball Is For Fucking Pussies” shirt.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I think “AIDS blades” might just have to work itself into my daily vocabulary.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I’m still depressed because Mistake Baby will probably triple the amount of sexual conquests I’ve had by the time he’s 14.
And with way hotter women. Damn you Brady, with your model/actress panty-dropping good looks!!!
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Is it just me or is Jizzy holding her gay little dog better than Tawmmy is holding Mistake Baby in Picture #1?
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I wonder if Mistake Baby can help the Vikings out with this precarious QB situation. I know for a fact that he already reads defenses better than T-Jack.
AND THEH IS NO DOUBT THAT HE IS THE PAHRFECT PEDIGREE!!
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
And that, Mistake Baby, is why you should learn How Not to be Seen.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Mistake Baby needs to be on a tshirt somewhere… if only there were people somewhere…
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Mistake Baby.
Only funny cuz its true.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
To shut the ex up, I think he’s actually going to need (Kobe Bryant’s rape ring + O.J. Simpson’s Heisman trophy) times the square root of Michael Strahan’s alimony.
/math jokes are fun!
//pushes glasses closer to face in a nerd-like manner
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Play Mistake Baby off, Keyboard Cat…
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:32 pm
MISTAKE BABY!!!! Fucking classic.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:13 am
Everybody OK over there? I know a lot of all y’all live around the metro area. Nobody took the train, yes? Everyone OK?
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:18 am
@Mo Charlo
I actually thought it was a Bud Lite hat.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:16 am
/strict regiment of mind conditioning?
wtfo?
why not a strict company, squad, fire team, battalion, or corps?
seems the word you’re looking for is regimen.
might be time to foist editorial duties on the veterans among your complement.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:44 am
Approval from readers leaves me dry!
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
Every time I see Jizzy’s face I think ‘Austin Powers’:”She’s a MAN, baby!!”
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Has a kid ever had a better step-mom situation? I hate the little fucker.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@jumanji
does this mean the terrorists win?