We don’t need no water…
A fire broke out at the office of NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith this morning. Fortunately, reports indicate no one was injured and it appears the damage is minimal. However, the timing could not have been worse for Smith. With NFL owners previously exercising their right to opt out of their collective bargaining agreement with the NFLPA, Smith– who has been on the job for only a few months– was anxious to demonstrate his negotiation skills to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. In fact, Smith had invited Goodell over this morning for what he claimed would be “an unforgettable luncheon.”
Much to Smith’s dismay, he did not learn his office was on fire until an unwitting Goodell was already waiting in the lobby. To avoid losing face, Smith attempted to rapidly usher the commissioner from the burning building. On the way out, Goodell espied the conflagration, which Smith– ever the quick thinker– dismissed as the Aurora Borealis. While Goodell was initially somewhat skeptical that the Northern Lights could appear localized entirely within Smith’s Washington D.C. office, he accepted the story and left, noting Smith’s ability to “steam a good ham.”
Tags: bad MS Paint, even more gratuitous simpsons references
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
It’s an Albany expression.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
At this time of year? At this time of day? Localized entierly within your office?
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
way to read the entire post, asshole.
enormous fail.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Goodell: “You call your office a ’steam room,’ despite the fact that it is obviously grilled.”
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
This might be the most forced Simspons reference ever written, but it works.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
You guys had nothing prepared this morning, did you?
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
He was planning on replacing the NFL bargaining agreement with MLB agreements cleverly disguised as his own negotiations.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
@claude balls: Nice grammar, asshole.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
That’s either a photo of Andre Rison’s house or the Hindenburg…it’s not quite clear enough for me to discern the two.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Just wait til the season starts, and we discover the new uniforms DeMaurice ordered aren’t ColorFast!
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
DeMaurice the house is on fire
No mother, its just the Northern lights.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Upstate Underdog could surely shed some light on the origin of the phrase.
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
“Can I see?”
“No, sir.”
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Skinner!!!!!!
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I can’t wait until Martin Sheen shows up claiming to be the real DeMaurice.
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
In the linked article, Mort gets the opportunity to work in the word “trek” for a trip to San Fran. Uhhh. Not so much. Alaska? Siberia? Arctic Circle? Trek worthy places. One of the best places to eat seafood in America? Not a trek. Sorry Mort.
June 2nd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
It was only a matter of time until Count Davis resurrected the ghost of Gene Upshaw to haunt and harrass DeMaurice Smith
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Who knew Goodell was a pyro?
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I can’t wait to see the other 21 films about DeMaurice Smith.
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
its nice to see dave chappelle’s retarded brother can still get work
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This is going into DeMaurice’s permanent record.
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
So what’s the deal, you fags too busy defending your honor at another blogosphere circle jerk/clusterfuck today to make with the dick jokes?
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
@ miamidiesel
Wow, I read roughly the first 100 comments on that link, pretty pathetic (both the comments themselves and me for taking the time to read them). Kind of like being back at school at my loser table pontificating on why everyone didn’t realise how super-cool I am
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
u on walk up on Mr. Goodell and as he extends his hand for a shake
straight right and left to the gut followed quickly by an overhand right
no wait…you do that to Mrs Goodell & tell her let him know u mean business.
contract = negotiated
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
DeMaurice Smith is a better name than Armen Tanzarian.
June 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
@Ape, I wish I could shed some light on the origins on steamed hams but I can’t.
However, I can tell you Principal Skinner never heard anyone use the phrase steamed hams because he is from Utica. G.G. is right it’s and Albany expression.
June 2nd, 2009 at 7:48 pm
/read “steamed ham,” thought Jamie Lee Curtis/Activia
/never heard that one in Albany
June 2nd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
“Delightfully Devilish, Seymour”
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 pm
@miamidiesel/GhostMutt
Hey, thanks for reading!
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 am
@CoolHwhip: Damn, I’ve been following for the last day or so on the DS. Seriously what the ever loving cock-gobbling shit-stained virgin fuck is going on with Gawker network? If it’s based on inappropriate material I’ve got a few smegma-encrusted, shit-befouled, mangy-little-pussy-flapped things to say.
/You’re right Drew. Writing angry is fun.
//Frank Zappa taught me to never take censorship lying down.
///If true, apart from the Jamboroo I will never give a page hit to Deadspin again.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:05 am
I know I’ve been considered old, out of my element, confused and sometimes my writing style has been influenced by “the weed” but I have this to tell you youngsters. The “very fucking second” you let sponsors, pay day, or the right of the almighty dollar step in the way, you have lost what brought you here. You have lost you artistic edge. You have lost the very thing that brought you to this lofty position in the first fucking place. Please guys. Do not follow the Gawker sentiment. Do not silence our voice. We fucking love you for who you are. I am here to follow. I am here to be the affirmative to your voice. I will give you the hallaleujah. Don’t sell us out. I have a lot of knives and I’ve got to cut something. Don’t give me a reason bitches! Don’t even.
Mmmmm. Cupcakes.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:17 am
@yeah, right: “your” you linguistically anal fucking cock.
?Cack!
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:17 am
next story please
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:24 am
next story please