I attended two colleges: University of Michigan (for a single semester) and Colby College (for the rest). I had a decent time at school, but I wouldn’t say college was the mass baby oil orgy I had been promised in the brochure. We can’t all attend HOLY FACKIN’ CRAWSS, you know.
To that end, let’s have a do-over. You’re picking your dream college this week. Maybe it’s one you wish you had gone to. Maybe it’s one you hope to go to in the near future. Regardless, I suggest you follow Bill Simmons’ advice and forsake academic pedigree for favorable climate and above average female talent. My pick? U. Florida.
/looks at above picture
Yep, I made a terrible, terrible mistake in real life. Yours in the comments. Pick a school. REAL COLLEGES ONLY. Please wait 10 picks before picking again.
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Hello there, just wandered by. I have a Chinese Laundry website. Truly more information than you can imagine on the web. Wasn’t what I was looking for, but cool site. Have a good day.
Hi, Great article
Helpful article. Thanks for sharing
everyone who responded something about RU, you can’t beat the Fat Bitches or Fat Filipinos. And the sandwiches are good too.
Got to go with Texas State University (formerly Southwest Texas State) in San Marcos TX (halfway between Austin & San Antonio) All the hottest Texas girls who can not get in the University of Texas go there. Also you can road trip to Austin and scam the UT girls on 6th st also
Oh, and fuck Florida, they have by far the most draconian drug laws in the nation.
I have to knock University of Hawaii since I transferred there after getting kicked out of Washington State (Not University of Washington, fuck the huskies) for three strikes and I am incredibly disappointed. There is no party scene here whatsoever, the beaches are patrolled (all the ones anywhere near campus), the students live far away from each other as the University is in the middle of urban Honolulu, even if you did live around a bunch of students you still couldn’t party because most likely you’re living in a shitty apartment surrounded by 300 older neighbors with either a meth or anger management problem or both. The girls are either hot or hideous (Samoan girls look like guys but bigger) but with no party scene to meet them they’re just eye candy. I guarantee any small college town is a better pick than University of Hawaii. That said LSU (Mardi Gras) or ASU would be my picks.
Sir, I go to U of MD and let me tell you while it may have been hot (it wasn’t) it has gone down hill in the past 10 years.
It is bad weather, bad school, bad women.
It is beattropolis.
I think if I was picking schools It might go last of major state schools.
well in the 40 range.
that isn’t even to mention all the floridas and Californias
Good gravy, 4 days after the draft and University of Maryland still on the board. That will the steal o’ the draft. Maryland poon. WOWOWEEWAH!!
others have taken alabama. tulane (my alma mater) has been aptly characterized as a place where failed ivy leaguers slum for 4 years.
picks: university of new mexico. astonishing number of good lookin women, who aren’t too impressed with themselves or otherwise too cool to have a good time. and it’s in albuquerque – a city that, as the west goes, is about as good as it gets. sleeper pick: boise state university. lived in boise when stationed at mountain home in the air force. but damn those bronco women were patriotic. god bless em.
@fmra: it’s been said a legal education broadens the mind by narrowing it. i can see how a person with your capacious intellectual horizons might have some practical difficulties with that concept. good luck. make kick ass grades and get an internship as soon as possible so you can get a true appreciation of what practicing law is all about because law school won’t.
UVa
oh, and Tracer, re:
>>Tracer Bullet Says:
June 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
University of New Orleans. Me and FMRA are gonna have absinthe and French 75s in the Quarter.
Dude, I went to UNO after leaving Morehouse. Worst campus and campus life ever. Can’t get a meal on grounds after 6pm, nothing of substance ever happens late on campus, no football team, athletic dept. facing a financial shortfall, surprisingly few hot women on campus, etc. You’d do better at Loyola (dated too many 9+’s there) or Xavier or even Dillard (5 minutes from my house). When I decided that I like to sleep all day and party all night, I dropped UNO like a bad habit. Exact same experience, only I didn’t have class interrupting my hangover sleep.
Since Bullet took Morehouse, I’m going to go with Clark-Atlanta, to be referred to as CAU. (I actually attended Morehouse for two years.)
CAU has like 70% females, 100% female Spelman right down the street, and Georgia State isn’t but a short drive away (one of the rare point-of-interest drives in Atlanta one can make without having to use the interstate). Georgia Tech is across the street from GSU, Emory’s 15 mins. from G-Tech, UGA is 60ish miles away… it’s no wonder I had to leave Morehouse; I was too busy chasing tail.
i can’t believe someone took my soon to be alma mater, JMU…
i made the mistake of coming into college with a girlfriend and leaving with one (not the same one, but out of five years there i was maybe single for 6 months); we get ladies from all over the eastern seaboard and some mid-west and west coast imports; i regret that decision knowing what i do now.
anyways, as far as the draft goes; as someone who’s never seen the glorious west coast, anything there would do, USC; better girls and better football. Or Minnesota, i love snow, it’s out in the mid west, there is quality ass out there (i have friends who have passed through the area who validated it for me) and i’m a huge wrestling fan and it’s one of the premier programs in the country
BYU.
Virgins, man. Virgins.
Lots of them.
UC Santa Barbara – hands down. If you’ve been there, then you know it blows USC and UCLA out of the water.
I loved going to Penn State. However, I wish I was 5-7 years younger because I went during the grunge “Flannel/timberlain boots” phase of the mid-90′s where chicks dressed like Cobain groupies. By the time I left, the sluttier look was coming back and now it is out of control there.
I regret not going to the Naval Academy every day. That’s my pick
Went to Syracuse and it was awful. I saw some homo earlier talking up Cornell. That’s easily the 2nd shittiest place on earth. I’m from the south and can say from experience that outside of Boston there’s almost no reason to recieve a non-ivy league education in the northeast.
Harcum, small girls college in the ritzy Main Line area outside of Philly.
The womenz there always feel in the perpetual shadow of all the other schools around them. So the time honored (and accurate) saying goes:
Harcum.
Park ‘em.
De-bark’em.
And Fark ‘em.
A day late and I still get Uconn? Score!
I wish I went to Da Cross and got some of that sweet ass twisted tea.
University of Melbourne. Best college in Australia, which is the best country in the world. Ergo best college in the world.
I currently attend Arizona State.
I have no regrets.
ORAL ROBERTS BECAUSE ORAL IS IN THE NAME
Faber College- Knowledge is Good
Too easy. Georgetown.
Good basketball program. Solid academics. Rich, white chicks.
@Jefferson Tardship
As a proud Emory alum, let me say, Emory is alright. Safe, full of drugs and booze.
I draft Ole Miss. Not smart, but hot chicks everywhere.
Colgate. Close enough to get home to do laundry, and Hamilton has virtually no cops. Safety school: Dartmouth. Everyone I know who went there got an Acura for graduation. And Hanover has virtually no cops.
/got a Corolla, but did get to graduate in the Carrier Dome.
Fuck! And I just looked up the notable Oberlin alums, I could have been banging Ed Helms in college.
(10 hours late to the draft…)
Oberlin. I should have gone to Oberlin when they accepted me. Lost of gay women, so more straight men for me. Piss around all day being arty?!?!?! FUCK AND YEAH I’m doing homework.
I feel bad for Playoff_Beard up there since I went to Fordham. What was I thinking? I’m not even Catholic!
Yearly Top 10-15 party school, legit education, competent athletics and still available after nearly 300 comments
University of Iowa.
Yeah the weather sucks, and the Campus is about it for things to do in the town, but it does have Miss Tigerhawk Nipples
Hawaii Pacific. Huge sleeper pick.
@Mrs. Italian Spiderman
GWU? I went to GWU. You didn’t miss much.
You want hot chicks? Pick LSU.
Hawaii would’ve been my first choice. Maybe I’m romanticizing the islands but with the scenery, the girls, and the weather, I can’t see not waking up every day with a smile on my face. Unless I lived near a volcano.
If I have to pick some place not taken yet, I guess I’d choose Pitt. I went to Carnegie Mellon because I had no desire to leave the City of Champions but I regret the fact my school had a pathetic social scene and awkward, uber-serious dork girls. Pitt would at least let me tap into the biggest source or drunken sluts in the area…and their psych department isn’t terrible.
I do worry that it wouldn’t challenge me intellectually enough, however. I’m sure there’s a small private school somewhat nearby with good academics but decent chicks… Unfortunately, I couldn’t find it 8 years ago and can’t find it now.
The secret order of Balls and Shaft is calling CoopSuper.
University of Houston is only for foreigners and affirmative action. There are no hot chicks that have ever attended UofH.
268 fucking comments? There aren’t even 50 colleges/universities/devry institutes that are really all that better than any other fucking college. And they’re all pretty fucking obvious.
Hi, I’m at Springfield Uinversity it’s got like 10% hot chicks, maybe some freak highschool townies, and decent but not ‘employment level’ drugs. what the fuck ever. At least it isn’t Springfield A&M.
Except Port Chester. When I finally go to college I’m going to totally look up that one chick that showed me around campus.
/watches shower scene, reevluates life in the pit
//funk you very much
Definitely Oaksterdam University. Bay Area, and they have a high job placement rate with the local dispensaries and growers.
Arizona State treated me really well. I’d go back there again… and maybe actually graduate this time.
cannot believe Brandeis has not been taken… awful architecture and dorms, worse sports, located in scenic waltham, MA (watch city!), and the girls? all the future lady rabbis you could want! what more could anyone ask for? And yet still the best four years of my life. hmph.
University of Bosphorus in Istanbul, Turkey. It’s prestigious, the girls are hot and ultra slutty to rebel against the government, the campus is beautiful, students from English speaking countries can teach entry level english classes, which means you are guaranteed extra poon and Istanbul is seriously one of the greatest party cities ever.
People usually ask how I’m enjoying “Penn”.
I go to Penn State. So I guess that works both ways.
Bucknell served me well (good education, decent girls), but yeah, a warm climate school would have been nice. 260 comments later and I can’t even imagine what’s left…Vandy would have been my pick. SEC sports, SEC girls, good engineering program, and in Nashville? Yes please.
Texas State University (formerly Southwest Texas State University) – San Marcos, Texas
30 minutes to Austin, 40 minutes to San Antonio – Texas Country Music scene is alive and well there.
Plus, the first time that I went there I ended up making out with a bikini model at Nephews – then banging a green eyed mexican.
what, no one wants to go to Baylor?? Texas girls, 65% female student body, Big 12 doormat…whats not to love?
I’m going to go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. Sure, the time from orientation to graduation would be less than 8 hours, but I could pick up girls using my prescription pad. I already eat sandwiches with pop-tarts instead of bread, and chew bacon instead of gum.
Goodbye, everybody!
@ tupa2keyshawn –
the problem with Penn is that, well, you spent all of that money and went to Penn…the safety Ivy (along with Cornell)…might as well get real with it…
Get real? At Penn we set those Princeton fuckers on fire. (Or at least approach it)
http://media.www.dailypennsylvanian.com/media/storage/paper882/news/2002/11/18/News/Princeton.Student.Assaulted.In.Quad-2156239.shtml
University of Vermont.
Weed.
Plus, the boys at GW were totally easy if you were even decent-looking, from what I understand.
As opposed to the guys in college who don’t want to get laid?
Bemidji State University
I like hockey, fishing, small schools, and women from minnesota. Perfect school for a boy like me.
Went to Northwestern and now work near Arizona State. Mill Ave on Thurs – Saturday Night = Good Times
“The Velvet Jones School of Technology” Ho’s gotta learn the trade somewhere.
College of Charleston
I went to Loyola University of New Orleans. And I went 0 for 4 years while in college. Fun times!!
After reading through the comments section on a previous sex mailbag, I get the impression Vanderbilt was the place to be. It would’ve been nice to get some extracurricular activity in before graduating.
George Washington University. Party school right in the middle of downtown DC. Plus, the boys at GW were totally easy if you were even decent-looking, from what I understand. That’s entertainment, right there.
/hating this draft for making me realize how long ago college was
“Pardon me. Where does First Grade Draftology 101 meet?”
@Rar288:
13th comment, 12:36PM.
I’m from Hawaii.
Went to Notre Dame. Now back in Hawaii.
While my brain, my alcohol tolerance and my mortgage thank me for going to Notre Dame…
My cock is still bitter that I left Hawaii in the first place.
Camden was based on Bennington college in Vermont, I think. Bennington it is.
“Bennington? Oh great, the place for people who can’t get into Middlebury.”
I can’t believe no one took this yet, but University of Miami (Florida).
If by “no one” you mean “two people” then yes.
I can’t believe no one took this yet, but University of Miami (Florida). So many hot women there.
Nevermind. Camden does not exist. Again, fuck me. Camden was based on Bennington college in Vermont, I think. Bennington it is.
Camden College from ‘The Rules of Attraction’. Liberal arts school with plenty o’ drugs and ‘Dress to get Scewed’ parties. I would have gone to Stanford for free cause my Father worked there, but i’m an idiot and couldn’t get in. So I went to Solano Community College. Yeah, I know, fuck me.
University of Manila.
Asian chicks with Latina genes? I win. Game over.
Tulane. Even after the levees broke… Tulane.
A place I could get in?
Delaware
A place I couldn’t get in?
Princeton
The school I attend is still on the board (Fordham), which tells me I should choose somewhere else. I’d have to go South or West, and I think Miss. St. is still on the board.
When did Rice become a “big name”? I think Oregon State is still available (for good reason) as far as the Pac-10 is concerned. Went to Washington, no regrets, but for sure would’ve picked ASU knowing what I know now. Gotta stay on the west coast fo sho.
@ Conrete Jungle
My mistake about the St. Andrew’s pick. I’m the grayt git. I haven’t been to Scotland in years but I absolutely loved the fookin’ place and wanted to make a University pick based on that. So have someone you know in real life buy you several drams of uisce beatha tonight.
@tupa2keyshawn: glad you also enjoyed RU. I had a blast for four years, but my dick regrets not going to Arizona State
@tupa2keyshawn: qualified by the fact that all Ivy League schools are gay, the safety Ivies are Cornell, Dartmouth and Brown. UPenn and Columbia are probably the middle tier (and also the best located schools) and Princeton/Yale/Harvard are the legit all-around quality schools/uber-douchebag breeding grounds. I will also point out that though the overall percentages are still low, UPenn and Columbia churn out the highest percentages of likeable graduates
@Gino
St Andrews isn’t in Edinburgh, it’s about an hour away.
/living in Edinburgh
I did my grad at Rutgers and I echo MiamiDiesel on this…I did my ugrad at another school (had a good time, but worked hard) and Rutgers was essentially a do-over. I had my own place, fully funded, a bit older (24), with my own place on a campus FULL OF JERSEY GIRLS. Just…
sigh…
a great time all around.
FMRA…the problem with Penn is that, well, you spent all of that money and went to Penn…the safety Ivy (along with Cornell)…might as well get real with it…
University of Montana. Only because I used to work with a girl who went there and I really wanted to fuck her.
Glad to see someone took my school (SMU).
Not glad to see there are no legitimate options left… so I’ll just have to settle for real life. And my 6 figure debt to the government for allowing me to attend SMU.