I’ve been saving the gay draft for a rainy day. And, since it’s rained for 3,490 consecutive days now, it seems like it’s about time. I’m assuming many of you will elect to not participate in this draft, and that’s okay. Because the reason I’m posting the gay draft today is to tell you this story:
I had a friend in college named Jon who, without fail, would get drunk and ask people annoying question after annoying question.
JON: Hey Drew, would you rather fuck your mom, or have your pubes ripped out?
ME: Uh, neither.
JON: No! You have to pick one!
ME: No, I don’t.
He was like a walking version of “The Book Of Questions,” which was the most annoying book ever published. He’d also spring this one:
JON: Hey Drew, would you suck a black dick?
ME: No.
JON: Why are you so racist?
Anyway, I was on a train once with him and two other friends. And he pops this one on us.
“If you HAD to fuck a guy, who would it be? Honest.”
Now, Jon never willingly answered any of his fucking questions, at least not first. And Lord knows there have been enough times in this world where some guy has purposely tried to annoy some other guy by asking that exact question. He threw the question around the horn. I said there was no way I was answering before him. Same with my other friend. Then we got to our friend Damon (not his real name).
DAMON: I’m not answering that.
JON: You have to! Don’t be such a fag!
DAMON: Okay, fine. Larry Mullen Jr.
There are a few rare moments in life where I feel like I’m going to laugh until I fucking collapse, and this was one of them. For real, who the fuck pulls out Larry Mullen Jr. when that question is asked? I think he had settled on that answer ages before someone had asked him it. After that, we played U2 on every jukebox we could find when Damon was around. I think someone also made him a Larry Mullen Jr. collage. The lesson, of course, is to never answer that question. And certainly, to never give it the level of thought that Damon did.
That said, IF YOU HAD TO FUCK A GUY, WHO WOULD IT BE?
The rules: Pick someone of your own gender to bang. Living or dead. You can either pitch or catch. You have to bang them, or else you get killed. BY RAPE! Either way, you die gay! Please wait 10 picks to choose again (like you’ll choose again, if at all). I don’t expect anything remotely resembling sincere answers here. But I’m gonna jump in the pool and give it some real thought anyway. My pick? David Geffen. Richest known gay man on the planet. He’s worth $6.5 billion. If I’m gonna suck a dick, I better be well compensated for it. I’ll be your pool boy, buddy. What do you think, Pete Townshend?
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hooo boy this is….
I’d fuck Eli, hard. Rip all the sexual innocence out of the boy
Ed Hochuli and his beefcake arms/
No Homo
cyborg, the mma fighter
i would obviously be the catcher
/submissive
Shemar Moore. He’s pretty like a woman.
Santonio Holmes.
David Beckham, because he is purty….
Does this mean Larry Mullen Jr. is off the board?
Gus Triendose.
Sorry, Triandos*
Leo Decaprio – with all his babe experience, he’d probably be a good screw…and he’s pretty
Rick “The Model” Martel
Enrique Iglesias… I probably wouldn’t feel anything.
I’m raping Shawne Merriman so he can get a dose of his own medicine.
Chastity Bono, immediately post-op. Because then there would be a nice, gray area.
I mean about whether it was gay or not. I don’t actually want to have sex with her gray area.
Chase Utley.
Does Rosie O’Donnell count as a guy? Actually, I think I’d rather fuck James Harrison than Rosie.
This draft is going to die in the second round.
Looks like I’ll be skipping this draft boys…catch ya during the sexay part of the day.
THIS IS THE SEXAY PART OF THE DAY!
Max Talbot
Ryan Reynolds.
Second pick: Chyna.
What? Get the fuck out of here. Really? You’re full of shit. Seriously? Huh. Well, I’ll be damned.
I’ll choose Larry Mullen, Senior. That sexy apple couldn’t have fallen far from the tree.
And since he’s old, afterwards he’ll give me a Werther’s Original.
Shaquille Oneal’s big toe…I think I could take it.
As for giving i would pick Vern Troyer (Mini-Me) just cuz it would be hilarious…maybe sad actually.
Megan Fox, bitches.
I was going to say Ryan Reynolds just so I could ask him about his ab workout. Curse you, Grimey.
I’ll take Neil Patrick Harris. He’s gay so I know at least one of us will enjoy it, he’s not a bad looking dude, maybe he can introduce me to Allyson Hannigan and he’s funny so maybe he can make me laugh long enough to overcome the shame.
Gandhi…he’d take it like a little bitch…
+1 Mo. That was going to be my pick. What an awesome Wire episode that was.
Derrick Rose
/Bulls fan’d.
Sting
Lofty draft…
Naomi Watts. She’s about my size. If I’m gonna go lesbo, it’d have to be with a really girly chick, not a butchy one (not that there’s anything wrong with butchy).
I’d probably want someone with experience who could keep a secret, so Tom Cruise.
Is Jamie Lee Curtis fair game? If so, I’m locking that shit up.
@ BostonWahoo -
You know that he’d take all day on your ass, right?
Clive Owen
Carrie Underwood.
Johnny Depp.
Not sure if I would go with the pirate theme (arrrr) or the Hunter Thompson theme. But if it’s gonna be gay we may as well have a theme.
Taylor Hanson
Go Hunter Thompson. That way you’d be too doped up to care what was happening to your bunghole.
Laila Ali. She would own me.
Eh – wtf – Eddie Izzard? I mean there’s at least, what, a 50% it would be at an orgy and shortly after you could have the ‘gay’ washed off by many many coked out european ladies (not, laddies, it would not be an orgy in Scotland).
Plus, he’s an execuitve.
/still rather pick Halle Berry but she’s been dead for 5 hours.
Is Alexis Arquette a valid choice for a guy?
If not, George Clooney. Why? Cauase then I can use the knowledge to get his cast-offs.
Denzel Washington in a heartbeat…the guy is such a beast
no homo
@Sarah. I would watch that, yes, yes I would.
I never ever see gourmet spud commenting on KSK. he’s way to witty for us apparently. then he randomly pops up when there’s a gay sex draft and still makes a better joke than i could think of. why do you always have to put other dick jokers to shame?
Do shemales count? Cuz I’d do me some Fabiane Spears.
@ Deux-Deux-Deux:
If you’re gonna do it, do it right.
If I’m pitching, give me Tom Brady or Kobe. If I have to catch, make it Jon Stewart.
Muhammad Ali…he’s like fucking a vibrator
/thank you!
Alex Rodriguez.
I’d want pay back for all the times he’s fucked me in the post season.
Give me Rachel Maddow.
Oh wait…she’s a chick?….But SHE is gay. So I’m still going gay, aren’t I?
/legal expertise off the back of an old Penthouse ftw
Since I cant throw a football like the Sex Cannon….I’m going with Kevin Spacey.
Salma Hayek. Batshit crazy or not, I think about it almost every day. Also, her popping up on 30 Rock only fueled the fire.
@ Enrico -That is awsome.
Angelina Jolie.
Seems obvious, I know. But, damn, she is one fine woman. And, she has experience with this sort of thing and perhaps she’d smell like Brad Pitt.
Brittfar. As a Vikings fan it would be particularly satisfying to bend him over and hate fuck him during his daily blow job from Peter King.
The rules: Pick someone of your own gender to bang. Living or dead
So is it more gay or less gay to pick a cold, dead person? Cuz iwazthinkin it would be less gay.
Joe Carter.
Fitting revenge, considering that damn home run ruined my childhood.
John Elway. I would like to be intimate with John Elway.
@Tracer Bullet: (using best Dr Thompson voice) “This is a dangerous position for psychedelic drugs”
Shatner, I’d fuck William Shatner.
I’d do Peter North…just for fun. And, if shemales count, give me Gia Darling!
ehh, i guess christian bale
BostonWahoo: Sting the musician or Sting the wrestler?
I’m gonna have to go with FDR. He is obviously going to be able to take it easily, plus he’s probably excellent at talking dirty, “I pledge you, I pledge myself to a new deal…[muffled by pillow]…a call to arms.
Your dad.
George W. Bush….just to make him squeal like a pig….
Magic Johnson
/deathwish
Dammit, smello – that was my pick.
I’ll go with Lucy Liu. Her body rocks.
This is the perfect draft for the KSK Chicks – we get so many hotties on the board.
Marlon Brando. You could fish-hook those big goddamn jowels and give him the ride of a lifetime.
Uh….Uh….Uh….Drew Brees?
/Homer’d
This is how you kick off Sexy Friday?
Not falling into this trap. It’s a set up. But, I will throw this bone to Mo Charlo and MC: Gus Triandos
The entire clip is great, but Turk starts discussing Triandos at 2:35.
God, I miss that show.
Emmitt Smiff, on behalf of Eagles fans and lovers of the English language.
Herc, not Turk. Where the fuck did that come from?
Hines Ward. Even though I’d just had sex with a man, the smire would make up for it.
I’m not sure… but it would probably be best if he were Asian.
I guess I’ll go with that dude who played Short Round.
Cristiano Ronaldo that prissy bitch needs to get wrecked on, plus he’s crazy paid PLUS he would probably do some needless (but impressive) stepovers while taking it
Okay, I can’t wait anymore for you people to decide who you’d be gay with.
Next pick – Marisa Miller
Really, no one’s picked Obama? I pick Obama.
@Tracer
So he can masturbate your balls down the feel?
@ MajorMelFunkshun:
Sir Sting, Commanger of the British Empire, ne of the Police, born Gordon, son of Earnest, of Wallsend, North Tyneside.
He’d be gentle.
Ichiro Suzuki. How could that not be hilarious.
NY Giants backup O-lineman Kevin Booth.
He’s got some fine-ass womanly curves, and we both went to Cornell, so we’d have a lot to talk about afterwards.
Dick Cheney. Turnabout, motherfucker.
Stephen Hawking. Behind his talking computer and non-functioning limbs, he has a heart of gold…and does anal.
JON: Hey Drew, would you rather fuck your mom, or have your pubes ripped out?
ME: Uh, neither.
I fail to see how fucking your mother is at all on a level with getting a Brazilian, because if you guys are to be believed, you demand that all us ladies “have our pubes ripped out” as a prerequisite for you to have sex with us. But I digress.
With my first pick, I choose Nigella Lawson. It’d be like having sex with a hot version of myself, and I think that would be interesting, plus she’d make us nice sandwiches afterward.
FIGJAM. Fuck that guy in the ass.
/wife has cancer? huh. Ok I’ll tie a pink ribbon on my dick.
Fuck, somebody took Bale.
I had an agreement with an ex of mine in which we were each given a ‘freebie to cheat’, hers was Christian Bale, mine was Jessica Biel.
Oh I got one… Jeter. I would hate fuck the shit outta Jeter. Apologies if anyone picked him already.
Stephen Colbert. And it would be precious.
Zack Braff–continuing the little bitchdom theme god he makes me so angry
Jose Oquendo
I see her right here…Olivia Munn I believe
Paul Rudd. He seems like he’s be really cool about it.
I was going to pick Joe Buck, but I really don’t want Artie’s sloppy seconds.
mike vick
Paul Rudd because he would Know how I know you’re gay.
@ Jebus: Exactly.
@ Clare: Great pick. Lofty pick.
Lindsey Graham. “But Bullet,” you may ask. “Why would you fuck a not-at-all attractive elderly senator from that ass end of the universe, South Carolina?” Because that “family values” closet queen would be willing to pay and pay dearly to keep me quiet. You best believe I’m getting some earmarks. $5 million for the Tracer Bullet Library? Put that shit in Philadelphia. The Tracer Bullet Center for the Study of Pansexuality in 18-34-year-old Women? I’m gonna need one in South Florida and one in Las Vegas. The Tracer Bullet Institute for Excellence in Barbecue and Whiskey? The city of Memphis thanks you for the $10 million, Senator.
Curse you Mortimer. You beat me to it
Barbie Woods… do a search, I dare you
@claude: it’s the twist on the old “I humped your mom” routine.
Macaulay Culkin, from the 1st Home Alone. I’d make him cry.
Nobody’s taken Peter King yet?
Well, thank you Clare. Never heard of that woman before. Tallyho to Google Image Search!
Oh…my pick. Fuck, Max Talbot’s off the board.
Uh…
I’ll go with Walter Sobchak. Because I’d really like to know what actually happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.
Jesus — I win, bitches
Seth Green, because all my life people have said the following things to me….a lot!
“Hey, do you know who you look like? You look like that guy from Buffy”
and
“Hey buddy, go fuck yourself!”
(picks up guitar)
“I’m Fucking Ben Affleck”
[www.youtube.com]
Feldman, from across the hall.
Gina Gershon .. them lips mmmm
Gary Bettman and the whole time I would be saying stuff like: “This is for the 2005 Stanley Cup” and “This is for the “gay ass trapezoid”.
OMG this is soooo hard. You know, especially because I’m not gay and everything… But I’ll give you my top 5.
1. Michael Westbrook
2. The Bus
3. Amos Zereoue
4. Tommy Maddox
5. Jeff Reed
Ah what the hell, Harrison Ford. He’s both Han Solo and Indiana Jones. And it would probably be better than Calista Flockheart.
For my dead gay sex pick: George Washington. Father of the country? Yeah, I fucked him.
My theory is that if you’re gonna fuck a dude…try and pick the best one. Good enough for Angelina means good enough for me.
Brad Pitt.
i wont give any names. but if i ever had to have gay sex, i’m doing all the stickin.
/thinks being the sticker is somehow less gay
Glenn Beck.
Huh? What? Huh? What? Fuck you.
I’d be the lucky pierre with the Home Improvement kids
Alex Trebek.
“What is MY NAME, BITCH?”
/also, he’s kinda short
Peyton Manning…. Sometimes I get a little awkward in bed, I feel like Peyton could call an audible to make it work
Kate Beckinsale. She has nice skin. And the accent is a plus.
Lucy Liu is a good pick, too, though. Asian, hot, nice hair.
I guess most of the dudes are assuming they’re the top, not the bottom. Amusing.
Matthew McConaughey. Have you seen that body? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
William Hung, purely for comedic effect. There’s NO way he lives up to his name.
No one said Ufford? Scroll back to yesterday’s Mailbag. Look at the photo and don’t tell me you aren’t melting for that hunk. And he’s a blogging star? We can cuddle and talk about the Seahawks.
I win.
(though I think Slash has the best stable)
RE PirateSloth Says:
“(though I think Slash has the best stable)”
It’s debatable whether I’d actually be able to score Kate Beckinsale or Naomi Watts. But since it’s a fantasy draft, why not go for broke? And I just don’t understand the appeal of lumberjack-type chicks. If you’re gonna fuck another woman, wouldn’t you want one who was, you know, womanly, rather than manly? Otherwise, why not just fuck a guy? I don’t get the butch dyke thing. Don’t have a problem with it for other people, just don’t get it.
John Stamos!
Spencer Pratt. I figure, as many times as I’ve said “Fuck that guy,” the least I can do is follow through.
Liberace. I always liked that story about how he had himself buried upside down so his friends could stop by for a cold one whenever they were in town.
mmm… alessandra ambrosio, hell yeah for the hot version of yourself
@ dick_gozinia
bradd pitt will give you herpes. then you have a whole new set of issues
gay herpes
Burt Reynolds, bitches.
David Bowie, and I’d just think about it anyway. No questions at all.
Takeru Kobayashi.
@ adam – so would jessica alba, but i’m pretty sure that wouldn’t stop anyone here.
Brad Pitt herpes by way of Jolie > Jessica Alba herpes by way of Jeter
If I’m catching, I’m taking Jared Leto. I met him in Toronto and he was a very small, slight fellow. I don’t think he’d hurt much.
Sean Connery because at least it would be funny.
Fernando Torres of Liverpool. He’s purty.
I like the hefties, so I’m goin’ with Big Daddy Drew.
I didnt realize how many girls read this site until this draft. i’d pick, but aww, too bad all the good ones are off the board, i guess i’ll just have to live in secrecy with my gay picks.
I’ll take Osama bin Laden, cause if anyone deserves an ass-fucking, it’s him. Plus his muslim buddies would have to kill him after I was done, since homosexuality is punishable by death.
/I get to live, cause I’m not muslim.
i once screwed around with a girl who had herpes. she told me, it was coo for like 2 weeks. no prob.
then i saw up close what a herpes sore looks like
/would rather fuck a stoma
Ving Rhames.
/No man, I’m pretty fucking far from OK.
For my second pick, I choose L L Cool J
doing it, doing it, and doing it well…. and he can teach me how to get those abs while he blows me
/ NO HOMO
Roselyn Sanchez. She’s beautiful and she seemed pretty cool in an interview I saw with her. Actually, any number of hot Latinas would be fine, hers is the first name after Salma Hayek that occurred to me.
Albert Pujols, a hate bang over the railroad tracks of Minute Maid where he sent Brad Lidge’s fast ball and his H-Town career…
Does Janet Reno count as gay sex?
Tim Tebow because i have a mancrush on him. If he walked up to in the middle of the street and bend over, I would.
@CobraCommander You know how I know you’re gay? You made more than 1 pick.
David Niven, to add a touch of class to the whole affair.
Yeah, I know he has been picked but I’m going with Drew Magary as well. If nothing else to be mentioned in Playboy.
Peter Angelos has been ass plunging the O’s for 15+ years, so it’s time he gets a little of his own medicine. The line starts here boys, just stand behind Brady Anderson and wait your turn.
No homo
@ Stunned, BDD writes for Penhouse, and his articles don’t all start “Dear Penhouse Forum, I never wanted to be a catcher…”
Nobody picked Ned Beatty?
Peter Falk, he’s got a glass eye, so I’d have him take it out and wink me.
Kate Winslet. I actually do have quite the girl crush on her. And, as Slash mentioned, the accent is a plus.
the dude from twilight
do asian lady-boys count. At least the have boobies.
/what?
/go fuck yourself
This site makes me hate me.
Jason Mewes.
No, I don’t know why.
Will Leitch
Bob Mould, so I could get my own angst-tastic song about it. After it was over, I’d tell him that Grant Hart was better.
Omar Little from “The Wire.” You’ve got a 50% chance of cashing in big. Plus, there’d be Honey Nut Cheerios after.
I will take James Bond in the Goldeneye.
The most interisting man in the world from the Dos Equis commercial. I’ll give him an akward moment…
The most interesting man in the world from the Dos Equis commercial. I’ll give him an akward moment…
The rules said “living or dead”. The dead have been underrepresented so far.
I’m going historical with Caligula. That would be a wild night.
Sarah Jessica Parker.
Don’t tell me that doesn’t count as gay.
Busey.
Tennis star Amelie Mauresmo. No one is buying that she is actually a chick.
@Stunnedmonkey:
Don’t make me claw your eyes out. Bitch.
1.) I need to pay better attention b/c I didn’t know commenter Slash was female.
2.) Some of you have way too much knowledge of Shemales.
3.) I’m choosing Ned Beatty. Just for the story.
Ed Norton. Easily.
Oh, the irony of being usurped on my pick by Dick Gozinia.
Fine, I’ll take Warren Beatty, then.
Marisa Miller is off the board, so I’ll stay within the VS model family and go with Gisele Bundchen. Tawwmy from Quinzee is not allowed to watch.
Hey you guys! They’re fightin’ over Drew!!!!
@FearTheBuzzsaw:
At least you weren’t usurped by Dickins Cider! HEY-OH!
Pope Benedict XVI.
Mortal sin THAT, motherfucker.
Alyssa Milano for the win.
Uh, I do actually get the “Dick Gozinia” (Dick Goes In Ya!) joke. Just wanted to make that clear.
/stumbling musta come from my crazy night w/ Drew
I’m going Johnny Weir. He is fabulous!
Can I suggest Aishwarya Rai for any of the ladies? Perhaps hold her hair back for you?
/needs a moment.
Is it fair that I’m even playing this, being a bi female?
Wow I’m shocked no guys took Rue Paul – it’s a guy, but at least he dresses real pretty ;)
and for my choice : Jessica Alba ( only cause Angelina Jolie was taken all ready )
@ Southeast DeeKay
I know, I think I’m cheating too, but hey, noone said we couldn’t play just cause we’re bi :D
I think the guys are done playing anyway, considering the homophobic vibe I get from all other comments sections. So I’ll go ahead and take my 2nd pick: Mila Kunis. So long as she doesn’t talk.
I’ve already mostly lost interest, so to close I guess I’ll go with Thandie Newton. Gorgeous, and again with the awesome accent.
Kirby Puckett circa 2009…I still owe him for the 91 Series. I would have to pitch for obvious reasons.
I’ll take Nia Long, I like chocolate milk!
Daniel Craig after a sweaty parkour chase. Doesn’t matter who’s driving along as there is some flailing and elbow shots.
I’d want a guy with a small dick that comes fast. ~ paraphrased from Norm MacDonald
So, at various points in my life, I’ve been told that I look like Ed norton, Peyton Manning, and Jason Mewes. Should I be distrubed (or proud) that all three have been selected?
Also, no Brady Quinn? Are there no Cleveland fans secure enough in their sexuality?
If I have to make a second pick, I’ll go with Sidney Crosby. People in Detroit, Washington, and Philadelphia keep insisting that he’s a girl anyway.
I would like to give Craig T. Nelson a “Screaming Eagle”.
Chris Martin from Coldplay…I bet he would be gentle like the breeze.
the rotted corpse of george burns
John Stamos was taken dammit….
Give me Tony Hawk.
Sarah Shahi
Jimi Hendrix. I assume that he woos me with the geetar
Alexander the Great, provided I can find his tomb.
Jared Leto……………what? Have you SEEN the “Alexander” movie?
Pierce Brosnan
My second pick, Oscar De La Hoya.
Mainly because he dresses in drag, so he’d probably let me pitch.
Jimmy fucking Mcnulty
(Dominic West)
Morrissey
Brad Renfro
Oh wait…
The Spanish soccer announcer, during the deed he will be yelling “Gooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Bruce Springsteen. The dude wrote Born To Run. On behalf of NJ, I owe him that much.
My nephew says, Alton Brown.
He could cook up a nice pot roast to ease the anal suffering.
/ I worry about my nephew
@Kid Presentable: His highway will be jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.
Ist round: Rafael Nadal
2nd round: Tom Ford (ok, gay, but macho about it)
3rd round: Rocco Siffredi (why not?)
4th round: Steve Nash (he’d be so polite about it)
and no, not in the least gay. Just comfortable.
I’d pay four figures to see Clare with Nigella Lawson.
For my pick, I’d take Nick Stahl. He’s kind of a little guy with a slim build, so it wouldn’t be that different from banging a 5’7″ chick with A-cups.
Madonna is starting to look like a man nowadays, but I think I’d sooner fuck Nick Stahl.
Katherine Heigl.
Mr. Leigh can watch.
Kristen Bell. This game is easy.
I guess my second (and last) pick would be Tony Romo, because he obviously doesn’t have a problem with fat people.
Steve McQueen. I mean, he is basically the manliest man ever to walk American soil. If I can’t be him, I could be in him.
ho ho ho.
@ mtnz – Wow……..an entire list. Is that the order of the guys you would have gay sex with or is that the names of the guys in the group that you wish to penitrate you?
Grady Sizemore. Easy. Plus he’s very durable.
Braylon Edwards
that way I have an experienced catcher and I can get him back for f***ing me over in fantasy football
Gary Oldman. STEAL OF THE DRAFT!
myself
Diane Lane as she was in the first half of Unfaithful (before stupid Richard Gere bludgeoned the hot French guy to death with a snow globe). That man ruins everything.
Shirley Manson. And 100% agree with SEDK!
Chris Cooley. The man can pull off short shorts.
Gonna go with Lee Pace on this one. I openly admit to having a crazy man crush on this guy.
myself, fuck yeah
FDR
Id let Alexander Ovechkin do me
The whole purpose of this game is to find out which commenters are female.
I’ll take Brett Butler.
To give: Marc Anthony — don’t tell me J Lo hasn’t already loosened that ass up. Plus it would be funny to see his cadaverous body split in half.
To receive: Bill Gates — for the sugardaddy WIN!!!!
Ted DiBiase (Sr. as if I even have to make that clear)
Jerry Krause as payback for fucking the Jordan-era Bulls
Hey guys, I’ve been outta town all week, what’s been going…uh…on?