This Week In F—k You: UMBRELLAS
We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, I’d like to present you with our new off-topic offseason feature…
THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU.
Every week or so, we’ll be taking our lack-of-football-related depression out on any number of deserving targets: people, things, abstract ideas, group dinners, etc. It’s just the kind of cathartic invective we excel at. This week, UMBRELLAS.
I FUCKING HATE UMBRELLAS.
It’s rained damn near every day this spring, but I would legitimately rather get soaking wet and catch pneumonia than carry around a fucking umbrella. The only time an umbrella ever works is if you happen to be in the middle of a rainstorm that has no wind activity of any kind. Otherwise, that fucking thing becomes a goddamn drag chute. Hey, let me hold on for dear life as I constantly try and recalibrate where to position the mini-tarp over my head! WHEE!
And God forbid you actually try and enter a fucking car with one of these things. Especially if you have something else in your hand. Here, let me put this bag in the car while the umbrella creates a makeshift waterfall over my goddamn head. How refreshing. Now, let me sit in the driver’s seat and lean out of the car so that I can fold the umbrella back up, so that it may then catch one of its tines on the fucking door and then give my legs a water bukkake. That’s pleasant.
I also enjoyed trying to walk on New York City sidewalks on rainy days, when very short, very old people with umbrellas happy tried to gouge my fucking eyes out as they walked in the middle of the fucking sidewalk. “Hey, it’s raining! Let’s abandon any sense of decorum when it comes to other people on the sidewalk! Let me bump into the first person I see, so that he gets absolutely fucking doused.” GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.
One time, I used one of those ten-dollar umbrellas to walk from the subway to my apartment in a sideways rainstorm. When I got into the lobby of my building, I proceeded to kick the ever-loving shit out of that umbrella. I bashed it against the wall seven times, stomped on it, and screamed obscenities at it.
“YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. FUCK YOU. DIE! FUCKING DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!”
This was easily one of the ten most gratifying moments of my existence. I will do it again. Soon.
I hate umbrellas of all kinds. I hate golf umbrellas. Hey fuckwit, you’re trying to protect your clubs. You’re not holding a wedding under that fucking thing.
I hate parasols. Those are gay.
I hate Umbros. Wear real shorts, douche.
And I really fucking hate beach umbrellas. “Here Drew, let me load you up with ONE MORE GODDAMN THING TO CARRY. Just one more thing on the pile of coolers and chairs and paddle games and whatever else we can fucking stack on your head. Let’s go to a sunny beach, and then defeat the purpose of going to that beach by lying in the fucking shade. Ooh, ooh! And let’s make sure the wind catches our giant umbrella of death and sweeps it far away, where the spiked end might impale a young child. Aren’t you glad we brought this stupid fucking useless piece of shit? LET’S BRING TWO.”
I hate the song “Umbrella.” Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay. AY, GO FUCK YOURSELF, HONEY.
Umbrellas have been around since Egyptian times, and I find it incredible that no one since then has found a way to improve on their basic design. They fucking suck. The only cool thing about umbrellas are the cheap ones that extend when you push the button on the handle. I like to pretend I’m shooting a crossbow when I do that. But for the purpose of protecting you from the rain, THEY EAT HOG.
To the ancient Egyptian assface that designed the umbrella: FUCK YOU. I know you’re really dead now, but just know that I wish you were somehow EVEN MORE REALLY DEAD. You pyramid-building, beetle-worshipping dick. Your invention is one of those little tiny things that makes life worse for no good reason.
And to you old people wildly swinging your umbrellas to and fro on the sidewalk, and who bust out umbrellas even when there’s a light drizzle outside: DOUBLE FUCK YOU. You’re gonna die soon, and that’s good. Just because you’re too fucking lazy to wear a rain slicker doesn’t mean you get to casually deposit all the water collected on top of your umbrella onto my shirt. I WILL FUCKING CHOKE YOU WITH YOUR OWN CURVED HANDLE. The fuck are you so afraid of, anyway? OH NO, WATER DROPLETS! I’M MELTING! OH, WHAT A WORLD!!!
And fuck you too, Travelers Group. Your umbrella doesn’t protect me from SHIT.
DIE. DIE FOREVER AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING LONDON FOG UMBRELLA WITH YOU.
I hate umbrellas.
Tags: and f--k mary poppins too, anger at inanimate objects, Big Daddy Drew, this week in f--k you
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June 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
And that Morton Salt Girl… she’s a fucking gash.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Edward Bellamy agrees.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/fail-bike-umbrella.jpg
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
If only those umbrella-hats were socially acceptable…
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Yeah, not much there to argue with. Including the playing crossbow.
Also, in honor of Fuck You Day, I said fuck you to the one good piece of technology I have in my office and threw it against a wall. I’ll miss you stapler. But not one person has bugged me the rest of the morning.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
Umbrellas in drinks? Fuck them too… Buy a shot and a beer.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
So that’s why Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna….
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
Farnsworth is desperate to keep his flying umbrella business going. And Mary Poppins is a slut.
I hate the song “Umbrella.” Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay. AY, GO FUCK YOURSELF, HONEY.
I think Chris Brown beat you to the punch. Literally.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
I was walking through Palermo and 22 homeless shitheads were offering us an umbrella every 100 yards. another reason to hate them: STREET URCHINS SELL THEM.
you mentioned having shit in your hands when entering a car. what about headband umbrellas? should we bring them back?
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
I never understood umbrellas. It’s WATER. Water falling from the sky. It will not hurt you. It will not kill you.* I guess if you’re a woman or an effeminate men who spends 45 minutes on their hair you’re probably vain enough to want protection but the average normal person? WHO CARES? Oh and by the way, thanks for ruining the environment with your Ozone depleting hair spray, you big haired bitches.
Does anybody else remember years and years ago they came out with Umbrellas that were like human bubble shields? What the fuck were those about? PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES!
*unless you’re the Wicked Witch of the West. Then you have an excuse.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
did you hear the one about the sword swallower who choked to death when a circus-goer dared him to eat one?
HE DEAD DOG
you have? never mind.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
I’m actually more tolerable of these idiots ( http://www.the-joke-shop.com/ProductImages/pmi11487.jpg ) than of the idiots that don’t really pay any mind to poking you in the eye with the family size umbrella they are walking with in the middle of the sidewalk
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
Yeah, but is it doucheier to wear a slicker or a poncho? I like both of those words by the way
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
I’m fairly certain there’s a special place in hell for the asshats who open umbrellas at live sporting events, thereby blocking the view of the spectators sitting behind them. Those people deserve to burn for all eternity with an umbrella shoved up their rectum.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
I also hate that when you don’t use an umbrella people subject you to “Hey buddy, ever hear of an umbrella” jokes. Fuck you, people on the Metro.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
-”You can’t write a column off the top of your head; you gotta finesse it.”
-”Hey, by finesse do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?”
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I also enjoyed trying to walk on New York City sidewalks on rainy days, when very short, very old people with umbrellas happily tried to gouge my fucking eyes out as they walked in the middle of the fucking sidewalk.
Thank you, this drives me insane. Any one of us walking around Chinatown during a rainstorm is liable to be killed (or at least annoyingly poked).
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
@Bubby Brister’s Mop: Point of order: ozone depleting aerosols were banned back in the 70s. And, if we took away cheap hair spray, what would the really really poor alchies drink? When you can’t afford Night Train, you turn to Aqua Net.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
you nailed it about the old people walking around with no consideration for the rules of the sidewalk. I’d throw women in there too. They all walk around without a clue that this 5 foot decagon is above there head and eye level with their male counterparts on earth. I’ve been jabbed in the eye more than once. Also, in the wisdom of Bill Burr, if you want the same salary, raise your f’ing umbrella to an angle so we can all get by instead of just me doing it and getting soaked every 10 seconds. I avoid carrying that piece of shit whenever I can.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
And I hate all the twee British words for umbrellas. Bumbershoot. Brolly. Gamp. You know it rains too much in your fucking country with you have three different words for a goddamn umbrella.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
You think Belichick uses umbrellas? Fuck no. he’s always prepared with his hoodie. umbrellas don’t win football games.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
CONCUR. Umbrellas are for bitches. I generally just knock them aside with reckless abandon if they impede my progress down the street.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
The Army and Corps both ban umbrellas for men in uniform. The Navy need them for their dance routines.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Agreed. Wear a fucking floppy rain hat. Those are fun.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
To the ignorant fuckfaces who, without care nor remorse, angle their umbrellas so that the sidewalk is blocked, and so that I may be poked in the eye when I walk by you, a confession:
I am the guy who “accidentally” hip checks your fat ass into the Saks window display.
I am the guy who smacks you on the elbow so that you may drop you Blackberry into the gutter.
I am the guy who pushes you into the fruit cart at the corner of 48th and 6th.
I am the guy who lowers his shoulder INTO your umbrella, making it jam itself onto your chest, making you cry in pain as you drop your Starbucks Douche Latte and/or child.
The same guy, who after noticing you are about to walk into traffic/ into a pothole /on a homeless person (but cannot see due to the aforementioned umbrella) laughs at you and does not extend his hand to help you back up.
fuck you and die. alone. poor and forgotten in an insane asylum.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
The only time an umbrella ever works is if you happen to be in the middle of a rainstorm that has no wind activity of any kind.
This is the most accurate thing I will read on the internet today.
Does anyone look more fucking ridiculous than the guy trying feverishly to control an umbrella in a driving rainstorm, only to have the wind completely invert and break his umbrella? So, now you’re wet and people watching are laughing at you. Congratulations! Fuck you very much, Umbrella.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Not to mention you have this wet and awkward wire contraption to deal with once you get to work.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I also enjoyed trying to walk on New York City sidewalks on rainy days, when very short, very old people with umbrellas happy tried to gouge my fucking eyes out as they walked in the middle of the fucking sidewalk.
Agreed. I’m 6′3″, which is apparently the precise height for most people’s umbrella spokes.
All those people need to die in a fire. And ironically, the fucking umbrella will keep the fire hose from putting you out.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Cobra Commander, I was wondering if, by chance, I could subscribe to your magazine.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I concur. Fuck umbrellas. How hard is it to throw on a rain coat? Maybe even one with a hood. Keeps me pretty dry. The beach umbrella though, it can be useful. 90 and sunny? Yeah, sometimes it’s nice to have that drink under some shade.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I like my umbrella, it’s called a fucking rain jacket. They cost like $10, if you’re massively overspending.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
i dont use the beach umbrellas ever, but do enjoy seeing others use it and then go chasing down the beach after it. it helps if they have big tits. and are preferably women.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Fuck you to the 4 foot yeshivas with the giant golf umbrellas. You don’t need an umbrella that big, you’re as annoying as the people who insist on walking tandem on the sidewalk and the mothers/nannies with the twin baby strollers.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@Kid Presentable (appplies only if this is azian zero)
You eyes are like a sideways hairless pussy on a midget baby. It’s really hard to poke your eyes with anything.
/I keed. I have oriental friends. I’m not lacist.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
gaahhh, spelling fail!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Agreed on the crossbow umbrella extension. I’ve got a fancy-schmancy one that, at another press of the button, automatically retracts. It’s like a fucking lightsaber.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Men should never carry an umbrella. We need to go back to wearing badass hats that keep the rain out of our face.
http://www.millerhats.com/productimages/1157.jpg
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Jesus, this post (and comments) have never rung more true.
AMEN!
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I live somewhere wear it rains every bit of twenty days out of the year. I can’t relate.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
At 6′4″, I feel the eye pain of the wild spokes. By the way, if your umbrella decides to turn inside out in the middle of a rainstorm, it probably isn’t best to start assaulting it and cursing it on the middle of a busy sidewalk. Just a note from my own experience. The more you know and all that.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
No wonder the suicide rate is so high in Seattle.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
@devang: I’m actually quite Irish, I just have a penchant for discount fireworks and possibly-illegal ninja weapons.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Once in grad school I gave into the supposed need to carry an umbrella. The damned thing kept collapsing around my head. It felt like I was carrying a piranha. After about the third or fourth attempt in a fifteen-minute period by the possessed umbrella to take my head off, I preceded to do my best Willie Stargell impersonation as I turned the offending umbrella into a makeshift baseball bat and bashed it against a tree six or seven times. I left its broken corpse on the sidewalk as a threat to other marauding umbrellas. I’m sure I provided some observant individuals with hours (or at least minutes) of amusement.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. shlaps you for blashphemy.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
If Rihanna goes and fucks herself, I want video.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I like this CobraCommander guy.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
HARF
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I live in the very rainy Pacific Northwest and umbrellas here are quite rare; they’re used mostly by vain Japanese women. The locals wear rain coats, hats and (strangely enough) sunglasses. And like a couple other commenters here, I’m 6′3″, which seems the magic height for getting your eye gouged out by some clueless fuck’s umbrella.
Oh, and fuck table umbrellas on sidewalk cafés. Normally I think table umbrellas can be useful (like on your back porch) but not on a crowded city sidewalk.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Just this morning on my way to work the asshole standing next to me while waiting for the subway goes to get his newspaper out of his briefcase and pokes me in the leg with the pointy end of his closed golf umbrella. Sorry he says… All I can do is shake my head at him… I hate people. I wish punching people in the face for minor indiscretions was allowable.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
@Ryno: The problem with those type of hats is that, like the “soul patch” (topic for the next f–k you column?), they seem to be a sign proclaiming the wearer to be a douchebag of extraordinary magnitude.
If I were to see some non-douches wearing them — other than men over the age of 80 — I might consider it.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Thanks for adding that terrible song in. If I ever get cancer of the ear, I’m attributing it to that song.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Fuck umbrellas, bring on the urban sombreros!
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Hey I’ve got a couple Asian friends, does that mean I can talk about how horrible they are at driving at not be racist? Let me know. Thanks.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
This column is sounding more and more like Peter Griffin’s “you know what grinds my gears” bit every time I read it. Well done.
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Don’t forget those fucking Citi commercials, where the old guy floats around on a giant umbrella while on acid.
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
[i]Fuck you to the 4 foot yeshivas with the giant golf umbrellas.[/i]
Yeah, Dr. Cock-and-Balls, fuck that Hebrew school nois– wait, WHAT?
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
As someone who lived most of his life in Seattle, and has never owned an umbrella nor has used one since he was ten, let me just say this:
Umbrellas are for pussies.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Jeff Garcia agrees. Fuck umbrellas. He’s always been more of a parasol man himself.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Don’t let those assholes as Acme fool you- umbrellas make shitty parachutes.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Peter King knows a way to keep dry without an umbrella. Favre told him the secret in one of his voicemails.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
FUCK UMBRELLAS. Seriously. FUCK UMBRELLAS. I go to a certain, effeminate Ivy League school, and every time there’s a light drizzle, these ball-less brahs and hipsters walk around with their huge fucking umbrellas and nearly gouge my eyes out. It’s one thing when it’s some girl, but men should know better damn it! I just wanna grab the umbrella out of their hands and break them in half in the hopes that at least for one day, there’d be one fewer fucking umbrella on the street.
And to make matters worse, they’re so stupid and have such a feeling of entitlement that they don’t even try to lift the umbrella out of the way. I have to jump in front of cars and duck and dodge to avoid these, but heaven forbid Pussy McHipster be inconvenienced by a little fucking drizzle.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:39 am
But then, what would Snoop use fo’ drizzle?
June 4th, 2009 at 4:39 am
I also enjoyed trying to walk on New York City sidewalks on rainy days, when very short, very old people with umbrellas happy tried to gouge my fucking eyes out as they walked in the middle of the fucking sidewalk
a-fucking-men. I gave up and just slap them out of the way(the umbrellas, not the people unfortunately). And then they get pissed at you for hitting the umbrella – amazing.
Although I gotta say i have an umbrella I like that I got free with admission from saratoga like 10 years ago. It has the button crossbow action, AND the handle is carved out in the shape of a horse’s head – it’s like the fine folks at NYRA gave you a built in no-homo.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@CobraCommander: When I see someone on the ground picking up their BB and/or child with another person laughing hyserically at them, I’ll be sure to stop and shake your hand.
/I use a huge costco umbrella and I’m always moving people out of the middle of the sidewalk
June 4th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I love to see the idiots that buy those 5 dollar ones that all the Chinese people sell. they pop up like rats when it rain in nyc, and sell umbrellas with the coverage of postage stamp. If you were the shrunken head guy from Beetle Juice, I guess it’s a good buy. Otherwise hold your fucking hand up. It covers the same area.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
At 5′ 12″ – I can relate to all of you people that get mad at inanimate objects that you have purchased to protect you from nature.