This Week In F—K YOU: Ellen DeGeneres And Her Retarded Dancing
We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…
THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU.
Every week or so, we’ll be taking our lack-of-football-related depression out on any number of deserving targets: people, things, abstract ideas, group dinners, etc. It’s just the kind of cathartic invective we excel at. This week, ELLEN.
There’s so much to hate about Ellen DeGeneres. Comedy Central once named her the 16th greatest stand up comic of all time. This would offend me if the list had been restricted simply to lesbian comics. But no, that’s ALL comics, and they ranked her ahead of people like Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Steven Wright, Dave Chappelle, Louis CK, Dave Attell, Robert Schimmel, and HOLY LIVING FUCK HAS THIS GODDAMN WOMAN EVER SAID A FUNNY FUCKING THING IN HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE? I’m offended even Sinbad ranks below her. I’m not joking. I’ve laughed at a Sinbad joke before.
I have no idea how this woman remains an enormous success as a comedian when she’s so painfully incompetent at the simple task of making other people laugh. “Oh, look at me! I’m stammering! I can barely get out my joke! I have no confidence!” But that’s not what truly angers me about Ellen DeGeneres. I can take that people in Hollywood bestow her with lousy show after lousy show as some kind of odd thank you for being gay on TV for a while. I can take that American Express pays her ungodly sums to be the face of her company because…? I can take that she gets to nail Portia DeRossi and I do not. Whatever. Shit happens.
No, I’ll tell you what really pisses me the fuck right off. It’s the fucking dancing.
Seriously, what the fuck is this shit? This is entertainment? They really let this woman have a show where she fucking dances her retarded dances for five-minute stretches and people find that enthralling? Really? I don’t watch the Ellen talk show, but it pains me to know that people are losing jobs all over the goddamn place, and yet somehow, some way, someone finds value in this woman dancing around like the whitest white that ever whited. Honestly, it’s fucking embarrassing.
And that’s not even enough for this woman. No, she has to get everyone else around her to jump up and start moving around with her, like an epileptic that’s been shot. And she has to get all her fucking guests to do it too. Bitch, YOU CAN’T FUCKING DANCE. STOP RUINING DANCING FOR THE THREE PEOPLE OUT THERE MAY OR MAY NOT ENJOY IT. What is the point of this? “I can’t dance, but I like having fun and you should too?” This is not a wedding, honey. No one around you is drunk. It’s not okay to be that white and that shitty at dancing and force it upon others. You are not spreading joy with your spastic tardrhythms. You are making people uncomfortable.
I swear to God, I see those American Express commercials and I want to shoot myself in the fucking face. Someone thought seeing this woman dance poorly was good enough to dedicate millions of dollars in both media and production money. WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK? I don’t get it. Of all the people who are rich and famous out there despite being aggressively untalented, it’s Ellen DeGeneres that pisses me off the most. Because people like Kim Kardashian never intended to be talented to begin with. Yet this woman is regarded as some kind of fucking icon, despite being untalented in so many annoying different ways.
FUCK YOU ELLEN DEGENERES. AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
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June 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Ellen scares gay girls straight…and that’s enough for me. Hopefully that fine Portia DeRossi is next.
(still thinks Anne Hecchhe is kinda cute)
June 24th, 2009 at 11:54 am
hey, i like ellen
/said in my best jim gaffigan/hot pockets voice
June 24th, 2009 at 11:57 am
:22. That’s how far I lasted into the 2nd video before I was seething with rage and was searching for something to smash my laptop with.
Seriously, fuck this bitch.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
She’s the greatest lesbian talk show host since Rosie O’Donnell!
June 24th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@DSBP, be thankful you didn’t get to the :45 mark when she starts doing “the robot”. that’s right the fucking robot. Ellen’s popularity once again proves that this country is in a lot of trouble.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
someone get a little Portia strap-on residue in their latte? a fine rant, good sir.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
KILL IT WITH FIRE!!
June 24th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Ooo, ooo, do Margeret Cho next!
“Oh rookie me, I’m doing self-deplicating asian comedy! I make you raff rong time!”
June 24th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Bob Newhart wants his schtick/dick back.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
You have a gun with one bullet left… Ellen or Jimmy Fallon?
June 24th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I would totally lay the wood to Ricki Lake
June 24th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
@dhsc, Ellen. Al least Fallon has the potential to be funny. Not a lot of potential but still more than Ellen.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@herc, fat Ricki lake or somewhat thin Ricki Lake?
June 24th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
My problem with ellen is that she’s an enabler.
She enables confused, mostly ugly, young girls into thinking look how cool and accepting gay people are! be gay!
well…. the world is a shitty place
June 24th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
@herc
Finally! someone else!
June 24th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Is Dusty Baker managing this site now because you are losing your fastball.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
16th? You’re shitting me, right?
Ahead of Chapelle (43)? Ahead of Hicks (19)? Ahead of Sam Fucking Kinison (20)?
What retard at Comedy Central was in charge of that bullshit? I bet it was the same guy who greenlighted (greenlit?) that Ned Holness abortion of a show.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
The dancing thing doesn’t even really get me, but being a no talent waste of time is damned obnoxious.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Ah, … yeah … gonna have to disagree with you on this one. DeGeneres’ comedy is insanely clever. Her ability to set up a joke so you think you know the punchline and then it’s completely different (I know there’s a technical term for this, but I don’t know what it is) — genius. As for her “dancing,” well, I like sight gags (Laurel and Hardy, Buster Keaton, etc.) so there you go.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Ugh, this is the truest thing I’ll read on the internet today. I hate this rug munching fucking waste of life (but not as much as Rosie…..I shouldn’t even know Rosie O’Donnell’s name).
Coming out of the closet was the greatest career move she ever made. What, exactly, would set her apart if she were straight? Joe Piscopo should have thought of going gay before he fell off the map, just for the career bump.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“She wears underwear with dickholes in them.”
June 24th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
my favorite line, “I’m offended even Sinbad ranks below her. I’m not joking. I’ve laughed at a Sinbad joke before.”
To say that Sinbad is funnier than anyone is mad hateful.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
@herc
Yeah man, in season five, when Ricki was just packin it on…glorious.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
You think it sucks to watch this video? Try watching it with the sound off. WTF
June 24th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
And by “lesbian comics,” I assume you mean “female comics?”
June 24th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I’d shoot Ellen. At least Fallon is cool enough to be down with The Roots. To paraphrase Sgt. Hartman, “The best part of Ellen ran down the crack of her momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.”
June 24th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I think it’s a dumb thing to hate on. Maybe she’s not the world’s greatest dancer, but she’s not bad for a white woman that’s 50. My mom’s 50, she can’t dance that well, for sure. Hell, I’m 31 and I definitely can’t. I think she’s just comfortable with herself, and you have so many people that are neurotic and insecure, it’s not a bad thing to have somebody who’s just publicly really comfortable in their skin. I think she became a lot happier when she finally came out.
That being said, I think it negatively affected her comedy. Her material was a lot funnier when she was in the closet. I’m not saying 16th best comedian in the world funny, but she was in the top 50. Since she came out, not nearly as good, for whatever reason.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Is anybody else out there a little disturbed after reading Spatula’s comments? Ellen’s jokes are “insanely clever”? You, sir, are an abomination. I bet you think Peter King is a great writer, Starbucks is good coffee, Twitter is intelligent media, Chris Rock is “too out there”, etc. Did your wife write this comment for you?
Which leads me to my larger point. White people should not dance, ever. Unless its that retarded line dancing you fuckers love so much. That shit is hilarious! Otherwise, do not attempt. Thanks.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
1) I never thought Woody Allen was considered a comedian, yet here he is at 4th on the list. First sign that the whole thing is fucked.
2) Dave Attell at 68 is a fucking crime. The first time I heard Skanks for the Memories, I nearly wet myself.
3) Lil Wayne Chrebet is dead on. Gaffigan deserves to be in the top 50.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I cant believe you got the Sports Gal to write for ksk this week! so cool!
June 24th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
The stuff Dave Chapelle throws away is funnier than Ellen. Hell, turds I’ve flushed down the toilet are funnier than Ellen.
Amex? She’d be great as the face of, say, the WNBA, but Amex?
Hey Portia, if your career hasn’t taken off yet because you’re dating Ellen, it’s probably not going to now. Go back to straight, I’m waiting for you! My house, or online porn, either way, I’m doing you!!
June 24th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@Animal Mother: Portia has a career again. She’s an actress on Better Off Ted, which is a semi-decent show. And it has Portia on it so it’s worth watching….
I dont seethe at Ellen’s dancing. I cant believe anyone would get worked up over that. But I guess you had to write about something this week.
I didnt know Ellen was ranked 18th on some comedian list. Thats way too high unless it was just all female comedians.
I’d rather seethe at the fact that there is no Arena League this summer, but somehow WNBA is still on TV.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
1) I never thought Woody Allen was considered a comedian, yet here he is at 4th on the list. First sign that the whole thing is fucked.
Uh, why would anyone not consider Woody Allen to be a comedian?
June 24th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
is that millen dancing at the end of the zach video?
he should have his legs cut off.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
All you guys are really hating her for isn’t her lack of humorous material, but because she’s fisting Portia and none of you are.
Let’s all be honest here.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Zach is on the only reason I watched that video. I was hoping he was going to offened everyone else there
June 24th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I used to like her, until I found out she was queer. Ew.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
NothingClever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYTP_taXj34
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmfzTLjHkgY
Please educate yourself.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Was Oprah too easy of a target? Maybe somebody’s trying to make the book club………
June 24th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Ellen Degeneres is one of the top 5 female comedians of all-time. Which is kind of like being in the top 500 KSK commentators of all time.
Surely the Gay Mafia has enough spare time to compile such a list.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I would pay good money to see # 100 on the list (Gallagher) use her head in lieu of the watermelon and smash it. I would sit in the front row. And not wear the plastic sheet. Being covered in her gray matter would be worth not having to accidentally turn on the TV and see her dancing.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
“Spastic tardrhythms”. A new one every week!
June 24th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
And say what you like, but give me two hours of Ellen stand-up over 10 minutes of Dane Cook any old day of the fucking week.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VDZ0cKRlFA
help yourselves – 44 sec mark is particularly nice
a reason to keep ellen around – she’s just like your creepy uncle when you introduce your big breasted gf to them. i dont have a creepy uncle or a big breasted gf, but wanted to use that comparison anyways
June 24th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
@Mastodon : That’s exactly what I thought, too. Maybe she’ll hire him to ruin her show!
June 24th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I’m so indifferent to Ellen DeGeneres. No, she’s not particularly funny, but unfunny comedians are hardly a novelty. This isn’t quite hate-worthy enough to merit a “Fuck You”.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
@porky1 (re: Ellen > Dane Cook) : +1000
And Sinbad IS sort of funny, I don’t know why it ever became so fashionable to refer to Sinbad as a complete joke of a comedian. I mean, he’s ‘light chuckle’ funny, not ‘hysterical laughter’ funny (although I’ve never really found any standup comedy to be hysterical).
Ellen isn’t particularly funny, but she doesn’t make me boil over with rage when watching her. No, that kind of hate is reserved for douchebags like Dane Cook, Jimmy Fallon, and Demetri Martin. God, I fucking hate Demetri Martin.
/Gaffigan is as one-note as they come
June 24th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
My biggest problem is when Ellen gets onto a “cause”. Generally her “cause” is dumber than shit OR I am totally on the opposite side of the aisle of her cause. Wasn’t there some uproar about dogs taken away from their original owners and her having a hairy cow about it? She wanted the dog(s) herself or some such.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
“You have a gun with one bullet left… Ellen or Jimmy Fallon?”
Myself
June 24th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
How the hell did she land a contract with Cover Girl? Yeesh
June 24th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Who?
June 24th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Suckiest buncha sucks who ever sucked…. come on, no one got that?
June 24th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I think you slipped a bit on this one, BDBallz. I enjoyed all of your other rants but this one lacked the requisite seething rage.
I do agree with the topic though…..that bitch is annoying. Good topic, lofty topic.
June 24th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
“You have a gun with one bullet left… Ellen or Jimmy Fallon?”
What KIND of gun? Because If I thought I could shoot Fallon through the neck and hit Ellen in the skull…
June 25th, 2009 at 9:29 am
@CobraCommander
Wait until 0:33 and and 2:11
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YWBOfsXsDA
Now STFU
June 25th, 2009 at 11:57 am
“Spastic Tardrhytms”-
God bless the intronets.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
“I’ve laughed at a Sinbad joke before.”
Well, women DO be shoppin’..
June 25th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Russ the Buss: “I cant believe you got the Sports Gal to write for ksk this week! so cool!”
FTW!
December 24th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I don’t feel hate for Ellen, but I have tried watching her just to see what the media thinks is so fantastic about her.
Sorry to say but “She Can’t Dance a lick” She needs to have a new opening gimmic for her show.
I don’t fault her, I fault the people who feel the need to be on her show and encourage her “Dancing?” segment.
Then she she does a cover girl commercial? PLEASE…It isn’t what “Cover Girl” has been about all these years (FEMININITY! What a sell out! These companies will do anything for CASH. Why don’t they create a new line of cosmetics ……….for the Alternative Lifestyle Girl…”Alternative Cosmetics” for the man or woman.
I don’t feel great wearing the same makeup that Ellen promotes, especially since she promotes it as a joke in my opinion.
Call me whatever you’d like, but I like to wear makeup that I can relate my look to, and with someone I relate to and it’s not Ellen D’s for sure.
Yes she have a very cute face, but she’s doesn’t act like a “woman”, but a dude. I don’t want to buy “guy” makeup, so why have a woman who doesn’t want to be a woman promoting a very feminin product.
It would be like a homosexual man doing a commercial for tampons. REALLY!
I don’t think I’ll but Cover Girl prroducts………Do they really understand that how a woman feels and who she truly is inside is reflected in what she wears, whether on her face or her body.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIAT! JUST CUZ SHE CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET IN PUBLIC! BIG FREAGGIN DEAL- i CAN’T STAND THE DUDE! AND ROSIE ANOTHER ONE! BEATING THOSE KIDZ AROUND TOWN AND JUNK. F THAT MAN. THE REASON i HERE IS CUZ NOW SHE’S A FREAGGIN COVER GIRL… COVER GIRL???? TRY COVER DUDE! COVER THAT SHIT UP! i’D RATHER SEE DIVINE DO A VISA COMMERCIAL THAT ELLEN SELLING CAKE MIX FOR HER FACE! TV PLAIN SUCKS JUST LIKE THE RADIO CUZ TOP CORPORATE HEAD DUMBASSES HAVE THE WORST IDEAS AND HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO DO NEXT. i’M CLOSING MY AMEX ACCOUNT ASAP!
January 22nd, 2010 at 7:56 pm
I am home, finally someone that hates Ellen and her sicko dancing as much as I do, and can express that hate so eloquently. If I was handcuffed to her I would literally chew my arm off with my own teeth to get the hell away from her. I love you, you complete me.