That there is the front and back cover of my upcoming book, “The Football Fan’s Manifesto”, a clarion call to return fandom to its debauched roots that doubles as an all-encompassing guide to being a sufficiently deranged NFL fan. Drew said HarperCollins gave me the Clive Cussler treatment, but I’d argue that they went as far as to break out the Transformers font for me. Either way, I think it looks pretty badass.
As we did with Men With Balls, we’re holding a tip contest for our readers to win copies of the book. Winning entries can be scoops, funny Photoshops, hilarious user created videos, amusing anecdotes of your experience rooting for your team or going to the game, really anything we arbitrarily deem to be worthwhile. Two runners-up will receive a free copy of the book. The winner, of course, will also win a free copy. Plus a special grand prize.
Because everyone knows I’m an obnoxious rank homer (I even got another Steelers fan to do the illustrations for the book) I’m going to give you the chance to exact some revenge.
That’s right. The winner of the contest gets to choose any one piece of Steelers merch that I own for me to burn to cinders, which I will record myself doing and post on the site. It could be a Terrible Towel. It could be the Hines Ward jersey from the photo that got me fired from The Post (and the one I’ve worn during the last two Steelers Super Bowl wins). Entirely your call. Should a Steelers fan win (I hope, I hope, I hope), we’ll work something else out. But all the members of KSK will be judging the contest, which will prevent me from rigging it (remember, Ufford and Punter hate the Stillers, so that more than cancels me out).
So get on it and send your entries here.
And, again, you can pre-order the book here.
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/redskins_thin_man1-150x150.jpg)
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Wicked site man. I really like the theme you used. Is it a free one?
@Plax’s Owie Spot: @Upstate Underdog:
yeah, I was thinking the metal kind. But I’m kinda feeling the Volektricity too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM Comfort wipe. It’s real. I have so many friends that are steelers fans that need to be taunted with the video of the burning terrible towel.
Don’t make me break out the pictures from the halloween party I went to in pgh where I dressed as Ralphie.
My pick is woodley’s jersey, if only to foreshadow the red hot sackfest he is going to put on for us in the next (09) run for the lombardi
does putting ape up while he goes to the bears-steelers game count as a tip? because someone’s gonna want that ward jersey burned and it breaks my little black and gold heart.
The Unabomber’s Manifesto was run by The Washington Post.
/COINCIDENCE?!
The Football Fan’s Manifesto. This anything like the Unabomber’s manifesto? Because that was some funny shit.
/is offended because she is definitely not a sir
@mamacita: Or you can just buy Bill Simmons’ book and use that as a coffee table.
Oh wait, so when you set fire to it you won’t be wearing it?
Well that is just lame. And here I had a videotape of a three-way between Salma Hayek and two Playboy bunnies.
I can imagine a day when a doughy, socially-maladjusted teenage fanboy will pick up this book, gaze skyward and think “I can do it, too!”
I need to know the approximate thickness of the book. About 3/4 of an inch would be perfect to level out the coffee table.
Who the hell is Punter?
Not pictured: Ape’s Steelers thong.
Can I stipulate how the item will be burned? Say for example, in a brown paper bag filled with dog crap placed outside of Big Ben’s doorstep?
Does the book begin with, “There is a spectre haunting the NFL — the spectre of a seventh Super Bowl ring for the Steelers. All of the old powers of the AFC Central have entered into a holy alliance to exercise this spectre: Browns and Titans, Bengals and Jaguars, and Bellichek’s spies. Where are the current Super Bowl champs that have not been cried at by their opponents? Where the opposition has not hurled back the branding reproach of ‘wa-a, that’s not fair,’ against the more advanced Steelers? Two things result from this fact: (1) The Steelers are already acknowledged by all football powers as the Power; (2) It is high time that the Steelers and Steeler nation should openly, and in the face of the whole world publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the Spectre of the Steelers with a manifesto of the team and the nation. To this end, Steeler fans of the various states have assembled in the ‘Burgh, and sketched the following Manifesto, to be published in the Baltimorean, Clevelander, and Cincinnatian languages.”
/Karl Marxed
//homer
Whoops. Fixed now.
/there goes rigging the contest to get no entries so I won’t have to burn anything
Ape, the link to submit entries is broken…
If you buy this book you get a free bowl of Chunky Soup.
I’ve fucked guy’s named Bruce straighter than this book.
TELL YOUR BOOK TO STOP YELLING AT ME BEFORE MY OWNER MAKES ME RAPE IT!!!!
I read the all of that cover I could (small print excluded) and you know what? ….Not one dick joke!
@porky1 & plax: Good stuff , sirs.
Plax, good work. I asked for the lightning bolts. i think OJ was locking for nuts and bolts.
Ape:
You couldn’t have convinced the publisher to at least let you MouthEyes your pic?
@OJ Incandenza:
http://tinypic.com/r/axh9vn/5
It’s the best I can do in 5 minutes and on a laptop mouse. I’m disappointed in the demise of my amazing ms paint skills over the years. I may or may not have taken a few liberties with the author pic.
Any reason why co-founder is hyphenated on the author blurb but not the big ass title?
Congrats on the book. So who’s next from the KSK Krew to write one?
WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM
BOM BOM BOM BOM
WE CHEER THE PICKSBURGH STILLERS!
i bet thats the title to chapters 1, 6, and 7 (because ape thinks the steelers are the #1 team, theyve won 6 super bowls, and 7 is the average IQ of a stillers fan)
Leitch blurbed the book, but we got it too late to include on that design. It should be on the version that hits the shelves.
Any reason you went the blurb-less route? Was Leitch still too busy hunting down his iPhone thief?
Apparently, Ape’s favorite quarterback got a copy as well…
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3314/3616670903_217ea5cce1.jpg
Ryno – There’s a section on well-known superfans, but I didn’t talk to any of ‘em.
Ape – can you share with us if your book features any interviews with NFL players or well know Die Hard Fans (Bronco Barrel man, NYJ Fireman Guy, Buffalo Elvis, Tampa Bay serial rapist…)?
+1 farthammer. Also a nice segue to the mailbag!
Couldn’t you name the book the Football Fan-ifesto? /Nard-Dog’d
I thought this was the book about all the Pittsburgh fans that were cloned from mosquitoes trapped in sap in the 70s… and then they ESCAPED!
I didn’t know Steelers fans could write.
Or read.
Or bathe.
terry shiavo wants her blue steel face back
A video of Ape burning that Hines Ward jersey could be my own personal Sexy Friday for life. I better get to work.
That’s one hell of an O face.
The only way that cover could be more bad ass is if there were lightning bolts on it.
/someone with bad MS paint get to work.
The font is compensating for something.
I hear a big-name NFL coach got an advance copy and has just put out his review…
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3603/3616584537_c84d3ac2b6.jpg
What if your team’s run by a megalomaniac and your star player dates a fat hasbeen pop-singing divorcee?
/hopes nobody figures out the team in question
@PJD – that IS his straight picture.
Is there going to be a plane crash or mutant virus in this book? Because the font sure makes me assume that.
Even Howie Long is impressed with the font.
“The winner, of course, will also win a free copy. Plus a special grand prize.”
Is the prize, the brother’s wife nude pics from last week’s bag? If so, count me IN!
God DAMN that font is manly. If it were any manlier it’d have little bolts in it.
Seriously though, congrats on the book and I look forward to reading it.
Look how big your name is! And it’s MADE OUT OF FUCKING STEEL.
So badass.
If I never got laid, I wouldn’t worry about (a potential) family, either.
/Want to win just for payback for the 2005 AFC Championship
//Have nothing that is win-worthy
I’ll have to check with ASPCA on that one first, UU.
Lessee some free views of this so-called book first. Little chapter love. I mean, y’know, Drew’s book was funny but two good books out of the same menagerie in one year?
No free choco taco coupon with purchase? You’re missing your major demographic.
I’m still waiting for an answer about Ape’s cat.
I doubt those are really your Terrible Towels. I don’t see any spunk stains on them.
Could your next book be a coffee table book devoted solely to Mouth Eyes?
Man, LihueAirport came out of troll hibernation (seven months since last comment!) just to bash my book. It’s a momentous day.
Fair enough, Optimus.
PJD, I lobbied for a different author photo, but the publisher insisted on that one. It works for the book, even if I do look like a tard.
Maybe it will make Peter King’s Father’s Day book gift guide.
Couldn’t find a straight picture of yourself to put on the back?
I think, also, that you shouldn’t be allowed to ever replace whatever it is that gets burned. if hines get bulned, no lepracement jelsey.
It’s like Drew’s book, except rife with insufferable homerism and not funny.
It’s time to change your sheets. Those things look disgusting.
MICHAEL TUNISON THINKS LOWERS CASE LETTERS ARE FOR PUUUUUUSSSSSIES!
What if your team is racist?
what, no sexy chapter 24?
How brave of Ape to include a photo of himself getting anally-raped on the back cover.
Based on the font I think the audio book needs to be done by Conan’s Twitter Tracker announcer.
What if your team gets really fat?
What if you’ve been banging a team for a while now, but they are bat-shit crazy? I mean, the team’s a total 9 or 10, and are willing to do anything in bed, but aside from that they are impossible to be around? Do I stay with them? Or move on the team across the bay, who is not as cute but easy to talk to?
What if your city gets a team after you’ve forged a bond with another team? Should it be ok for a Dolphins fan living in Jacksonville to jump on the Jags when they were formed?
Will the cat, Jean Gray, wearing a terrible towel be eligible for burning?
The cover should have been Ape and the parrot, by the way. That’s much more distinctive than MICHAEL TUNISON THE FOOTBALL FAN’S MANIFESTO.
And forgive me for stating the obvious…your pen name should be XMAS APE. What, you think you’re better than Samuel Clemens?
If I win, may I wipe my ass with one of your Terrible Towels before you burn it? I think that would only be fair.
porky1 – The book lists that as the only exception.
I guarantee Ape is hiding his Silverback jersey
Regarding Rule #3 on the back there…what if the team leaves the city? One isn’t expected to root for the Baltimore Colts if they are now the Indianapolis Colts, right? It’s not so much an exception, but it’s the circumstance of your team actually ceasing to exist, amirite?
Granted, I stayed with the Raiders from Oakland to L.A. back to Oakland, but that’s more of my own personal retardation…