We’ve got a special treat today, readers. Not one, not two, but THREE emails about people who have survived into their mid-twenties with their virginity intact. I know what you’re thinking: Whoa! There are die-hard football fans who consult a toilet-humor blog for sex advice that AREN’T popular with the ladies? Welp, it’s true, and it’s all after the jump — along with quests for threesomes, foursomes, and getting gays to play for the other team. As usual, very few people display the ability to self-edit, plus there are about 80 questions about the Bears and Jay Cutler. Why? Because too often, Bears fans get left out of the discussion about which team has the most aggressive homers in the country. Ya wankers.
Let’s start things up with all the virgins, right in a row.
Sexbaggers,
Sex: A good friend of ours is turning 25 and I’ve known this guy since 7th grade. He’s never been with a woman let alone being in a relationship. He’s the typical nerdy guy who spends his time playing his PS3 and being in front of the computer all day. Despite the fact that he’s never been with a girl, I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. I don’t snoop around to his computer trying to find some naked duded pics but his collection of your average porn is everywhere on his computer (download list, browse history, folders, etc). Also I know he’s tried his luck on some girls but it just never succeeded. With that said, it’s his 25th birthday and a bunch of us were wondering what to give the guy. In one hand we could probably hire an escort to accompany him (regardless of whether he’ll try to score or not) but honestly I don’t think he’s even comfortable with the idea of being set up with a hot girl all of a sudden, especially if he finds out that she’s a pro, making the amount of money we spent pretty much futile. On the other hand you might want to buy him some sort of a novelty gift such as a fleshlight but heck we don’t think we want to be THE GUYS who bought him a fleshlight, cause that’s just eerie. Any other ideas? Else we’re just gonna stay ignorant and buy him a couple new PS3 games.
Football:
Ever since Jerry Jones stated that he would love to see a committee with MB3, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice I’ve been cursing his name all the time until our next fantasy draft. I had MB3 last year and we’re not in a keeper league, so is he still a reasonable high draft pick? Another similar question is Shonn Greene, given the unhappy nature of Jones and Washington in NY. Is picking Greene a reasonable late pick or should I just go with other players?
Hi,
My football question is do you expect Carson Palmer to do well this year? He still has the crazy guy and the criminal, but he doesn’t have Housh.
Sex: I’m a 25-year-old virgin male. I have no current prospects or hope. I guess my question is what’s the easiest way to kill myself? Okay, no, seriously, is this such a massive turnoff to most girls that I’m basically screwed, or do I still have a chance to redeem myself?
Dear Purveyors of Knowledge,
Sex: I have a 24 year old friend who’s still a virgin. We went through 4 years of college together and he was never able to seal, not to say there weren’t ample opportunities. He basically had to work at not fucking to be in the pussyless position he calls home today. Women friends have verified that he is a good looking and somewhat charming, yet none of us can figure out why he hasn’t been laid. He regularly talks about women as if his intention is to rid of this burden. There are basically 2 schools of thought between our group of friends: (1) He is gay, but cannot come out as his father would essentially stop loving him (Uber conservative military dad) OR (2) He is just too big of a pussy to pull the trigger and because it has taken so long, he is likely to end up desolate forever. How do we get to the bottom of this mystery? Hired Professional? Take him to the Castro and see if he seems at home (sucks cock in an alley)?
Football: Is Vick a better option than “Baby Hands Smith” [pictured, right -Ed.] or Shaun “limp arm/dick” Hill for SF?
Thanks,
Confused Comrade
Welp, I can’t speak for virgins in their mid-twenties, but I sure wish I had some friends who bought escorts for me. However, I suspect that one night with a hooker would hardly solve the root of the problem — that you virgins out there have self-image/confidence problems and/or unusual hang-ups about sex. And, since we don’t recommend suicide for anyone (unless you’re Matt Millen), I’d suggest that virgins not work harder to get girls to like them, but to work harder to like themselves. Join a gym or a running club. Put the PS3 away and take bartending classes. Hell, join a book club with old ladies (they need love too) or volunteer at a non-profit. Get out of the house, get out of your ordinary comfort zone, meet new people without the pressure of “this is an environment where I’m trying to pick up girls.” The more you’re happy with who you are, the more likely it is that other people will find you attractive. Will it result in the loss of your V-card? Not necessarily, but you’re going to end up a happier, more fulfilled person.
Football answers, in order: I don’t like that Dallas committee at all, but I think there’s an excellent chance that Shonn Green will be a great rookie running back (I also felt that way about Michael Bush and Matt Forte, so I’m batting .500). Carson Palmer is still a very good quarterback, but I wouldn’t want him as my #1 option in fantasy. Vick is definitely better than Alex Smith, but Shaun Hill shows some amount of promise. But hey, you Bay Area fans rooted for Barry Bonds, so why not embrace all the sports villains you can?
Dear Princes of the Poonani:
Football first (as it is, and always shall be): Does Cutlerfucker coming to Chicago turn Devin Hester into a must have receiver this coming season??
Perhaps I’m being too quick to judge, but no. Absolutely not. I wouldn’t take a chance on him until the seventh or eighth round.
Sex: I have been with this chick since like September, and while the sex wasnt always great, I got the job done. Well I recently got my dick pierced (apadravya, in case your wondering, not the usual prince albert) and after the first couple times, I was just amazed at her reaction, and now she cant get enough of it. My question is, is it ok for me to feel shitty cuz I didnt do as well without the piercing, or should I just love the fact that she can’t get enough of my dick??
Welp, I know what I WON’T be Googling today! Don’t live in the past, buddy. Embrace the joy your pierced wiener gives your girl.
KSK,
SEX: I recently spent a night in Atlantic City with a girl I’m seeing/hooking up with and her best friend. After a night of drinking, nude hot tubbing, and flirting with both girls, I naturally expected a threeway….which did not occur despite the fact that we all passed out in the same bed. We hung out on the beach the next day where i basically spent the entire time ignoring my girl and focusing on her friend. By the end of the day my girl looked like she wanted us both to drop dead. My question (finally). How do I approach the friend about hooking up with out my girl finding out? The only time I see her is when the three of us hang out and I’m pretty sure a threeway is out of the question.
Correct.
I really wanna bang the friend. I also dont wanna lose the only girl I’ve been banging for the past 3 years who is clearly the jealous type. They also both have boyfriends but both of them are tools so that shouldn’t stop me.
So, wait. You’re with a girl who’s been cheating on her boyfriend for three years, you shot the moon for a threesome and failed, then you turned your attention to trying to hook up with your semi-girl’s best friend, who also has a boyfriend? And you did all of this in one of the most depressing cities in America? And you don’t want to lose the girl who won’t leave her tool boyfriend? That’s a whole lotta fail in one email. You need to shitcan everything about that experience, including your behavior.
FOOTBALL: With the addition of Michael Crabtree and another year of experience for the young 49er recievers, what kind of year do you see Shaun Hill having? He’s 7-3 as a starter and puts up decent numbers with mediocre talent. With an improved O i think he could be one of the better QBs in the NFC. At least thats what I’ve talked myself into.
Sincerely,
Wannabe BFF Fucker
As a Seahawks fan, I’m definitely worried about my team facing Michael Crabtree twice a year. But let’s not kid ourselves: it’s the duty of hometown fans to talk themselves into thinking their players are better than they actually are. Of Hill’s five wins last year, two of them were against the Rams (he threw three interceptions with a 55.5 passer rating in the latter) and another was a 10-3 yawner against a tailspinning Buffalo team. Hill might prove to be capable, but if he does it will likely be because of Singletary’s revamped defense.
Dear KSK crew,
Sex: My lady and I have been crazy in love for about 7 months, and moved in together about a a month ago. Sex has always been frequent enough (about 6-10 times/week) and high quality and continues to be so. She knows when I start making out with her that it means I want to get busy, and she is almost always game. The problem in the last couple of weeks or so has not been in the sex itself, but rather the mood I’m feeling from her leading up to the sex. She just kinda sits there, not really making any sexy moves back on me, and then after a short while of making out we’ll be having sex. In the past, she could tell I wanted some and would be all over me, or even she would initiate it. As I said, the sex is quality and leaves us both satisfied. My concern is that I’m not feeling any excitement from her before we’re actually having sex. It’s like she’s not really in the mood, but figures she’ll have sex because I want to, and then she ends up enjoying it. It’s strange because we’ve been having as much sex as ever, but this pre-sex thing is starting to really bother me. How should I broach the subject with her?
Well, you guys live together now. She’s probably tired of seeing you all the time. Ask her what you can do to make it better for her. If she doesn’t come up with honest answers, tell her straight-up that it’s obvious she’s not as into it as she used to be.
Football: Which running back would you say is least likely to get fucked over (read: “fucked out of fantasy points”) by his platoon situation?
Thanks,
G
Your best bets are the first-option guys in run-heavy offenses. That means Chris Johnson and (gulps nervously) DeAngelo Williams.
Dear Bear-Fuckers,
FOOTBALL: Apparently Jason Garrett has grown some balls in the offseason because the word out of Valley Ranch is that he is being a semi-hardass in OTAs. Will the combination of this red-headed Ivy Leaguer’s spontaneous testicular generation and Felix Jones/Jason Witten/Roy Williams be enough to bring Romo back from the dead, or is he forever doomed to be the ‘Asshole Who Couldn’t Hold a Slick Football?’
Anything’s possible. Hell, Eli Manning won a Super Bowl against an undefeated team (by throwing a touchdown pass to a guy who shot himself in the leg, no less). That still blows my mind every time I think about it.
COITUS: I had my eyes on this chick for a long time (7/10 face, 8/10 body), but in the interest of playing it cool I kept my distance. We eventually became close and began to talk on the phone regularly, and one night she dropped the bomb on me: “I’m a lesbian.” Right then and there my new life goal emerged – to turn this lesbian straight, or at least to fuck her a time or two. Things progressed, but I kept playing it cool because she was in a committed relationship with an ugly bitch. Long story short, she eventually dumped her girlfriend and the next day had booked a flight to come visit me in the town where I was doing a summer internship. We had a great weekend complete with copious amounts of fucking and good times had by all. I wouldn’t say that I’m smitten with this girl, but I am interested in possible pursuing a relationship with her. My question: Is it possible for me to have a relationship with a novelty fuck, or will she always be “the lesbian” to me?
Hell, you’re the only one who can answer that question. Admit it: you just wanted a public forum to brag about nailing a lesbian.
Dear C-Ape, B-Balls and co.
Football First- Last year I took Aaron Rodgers on a flyer late and he turned into a pretty nice QB for fantasy purposes. The problem is I’m a huge Green Bay fan and when he’d have a shitty day not only would my football team lose, but my fantasy football team usually lost as well. It made for a bad fucking weekend. So question is, do I roll the dice with him again this year or just go with someone slightly shittier like Neck Beard in Denver just to avoid the super shitty weekend scenario?
Everyone knows that the homer position is tight end. However, you should be drafting the best available player that fits your needs. Don’t gun for Rodgers, but Jesus, if it’s between Rodgers and Neckbeard for you, and you take Neckbeard, you deserve every taunt you get from your league-mates.
Sex-My long time girlfriend has put on a bunch of weight since we got together about 2 years ago.
In the Midwest? No way!
She’s still kinda pretty, but damn, she used to be a fox. I’m not super attractive, but I’m not a beast either, when we started dating she was out of my league, about a year in we were probably in the same league, now I could probably do better. She’s a machine in the bedroom and is pretty much down for anything. Problem is she dumb dumb dumb. I put up with it when she was out of my league, dealt with it when we were about the same because of her bedroom antics, but now I’m thinking I should cut the cord. Should I do it or should I keep her around for the crazy monkey sex?
So you’ve dated someone who’s “dumb dumb dumb” for two years? Maybe she’s not the stupid one.
Dear KSK guys who make me laugh, cry, feel bad about myself…
Football- Where will Greg Olsen rank amongst tight end this year in fantasy stats?
Olsen’s stats are likely to improve somewhat, but I doubt he’ll be a game-changer. Unless you’re snagging Tony Gonzalez or Antonio Gates, tight end is a week-to-week crapshoot.
Now to the real reason why I wrote. My sister in law wants to fuck me! I know what I am supposed to do (not fuck her), I know what I want to do (fuck her) but I can’t. I am not going to. My question is what the fuck do I tell my brother? Nothing? Everything? I shouldn’t fuck her right? I have never in my life regretted being a decent person till right now. My sister in law is a gorgeous blonde, big tits, great body and as cool a chick I have ever met.
Kyle in Chicago
P.S.- I forgot that I didn’t mention how I know she wants to fuck me. It isn’t real interesting. My brother is an accountant for a major law firm, so travels quite extensively. He is in South America right now for a month. She called yesterday looking for my email address. Today I open up a photo of her naked on her bed with the subject line reading: 10 p.m. I’ll send the photo Friday if you guys run this. No point giving something away for free.
Wow, that is awesome. I mean, awful for your brother, but awesome for everyone else. It’s a shame that she’s the “brother’s wife” kind of sister-in-law; the Man Law regarding “wife’s sister” is somewhat hazier.
But yes: obviously, you can’t sleep with your brother’s wife unless you’re planning to kill him. How to tell him? Shit, man. I don’t know. You should probably give him some kind of heads-up before you forward him that email, though.
To the A-Team of Anal,
Football- I’m trying to figure out a late round steal at QB in my upcoming draft. Do you think Joe Flacco can put up some numbers even sans wide receivers, or should I roll the dice with Trent Edwards having TO? Any other late round QBs in mind?
Flacco’s ability to run makes him an okay spot starter, but keep in mind that Baltimore is a defense-first, run-oriented team. In the late rounds, you can take bigger risks hoping for a bigger payout. So yeah: Trent Edwards.
Sex- Okay, so I’ve got a buddy, not a real close friend, but we know each other. He and his girlfriend, who is a solid 8 with a great ass, do all kinds of shit that’s strange to me, invite couples over to swap, invite in two other girls, invite in two other guys. It’s like a Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors of Fornication over there.
Watch out for the Baseball Nut.
Recently, I was at their place for a cookout, and when things started to end, the three of us started talking about said group activities. To make a long story short, they want me to come in and be a 3rd, nothing male on male, but she really wants double vaginal. Now my moral conundrum is, I know, in my heart, that I’m not interested in rubbing my junk against another dudes junk until climax. That is, definitively, gay. But you throw in the fact that we’re rubbing junk inside of a vagina….now I’m completely confused.
Ah, the ol’ “having sex with a vagina but rubbing another guy’s junk” conundrum. Who hasn’t been there?
What should I do? Should I just casually suggest for a DP so I can secure my self some anal, AND not have to rub junk (WIN/WIN), just man up and give her the 2Ds in a V, or just back out completely because I can’t comprehend it all….I just don’t want to wind up doing something I can’t use as a spankbank memory in the future. I’m also worried about the logistics of it all, because if his ass/taint/balls get anywhere near my head, we’ve got serious issues.
Go, or no go? I leave it to the you, and the ksk forum to decide.
3-way Stop
If it were me, I’d politely pass. Maj, however, suggests that you ask to go solo first to get warmed up, then blow your load and get the hell out of there.
To the 21st century knobslobberers:
Sex first because, well, sex is soooo awesome… Been dating my girlfriend for more than a year and a half, we moved in together last year and I will drop the ol’ proposal probably within the next year since she’s pretty awesome across the board. We happen to be good friends with a (cute) lesbian couple, and a while ago we privately discussed a fantasy of all four of us getting together. It was nothing more than a pipe dream until I found out from one of the lezbos that they had privately discussed the same thing. So it finally happened once, and it was pretty awesome (but tame – there were a few ground rules, so it was just a lot of making out which is still sweet) and it wasn’t awkward afterward either which is even better. We decided that this wasn’t a regular thing (I mean I don’t live in Utah) but we’d leave open the option for it to happen again.
So here’s the thing…my girlfriend LOVES to fantasize about it. She’ll bring it up unprovoked, it turns sex between us from great to amazing and frankly it’s just fun to think about. But once it comes time to plan to actually do it again, she gets cold feet and says “I don’t think I’m comfortable with it tonight.” I’m perplexed. What gives? I’m fairly certain she enjoyed the first time around, what’s with her performance anxiety and what can I do to get things rolling?
Well, there’s a big gap between fantasy and making it a reality. I’d suggest that you not get too greedy; it’s already (kind of) happened, and it’s made your sex life better. Stop trying to plan it, take the pressure off of her to commit to doing it again. Then, maybe a little while down the road, the four of you will end up drunk at the same party. Or not. You had a foursome with three chicks, man. Just bask in the memory.
Football: As an Eagles fan, should I just resign myself to the fact that Philly is GREAT at making the NFC championship and that’s it? And do they have a shot at returning to, but not winning, the NFC title game this year?
Answer these questions effectively and I’ll buy Drew’s book,
~FillyFanatic
“Wah wah wah, my foursomes with three women don’t go all the way, and my team only makes the conference championship regularly.”
Internet Forum Ass-Bandits,
Football: So with Da Bears, now that we’ve now got the Cutlerfucker under center, what are the odds that Jerry Angelo will keep his head out of his ass long enough to find someone for him to throw the ball to other than “Guy Who Used to Return TDs For Us”? Secondary question, when will he turn into a little bitch and whine his way off of this team too?
FUCK THE BEARS. There, I said it.
[Two paragraphs about working on a college campus with lots of hot girls, but he's married.]
So, that leaves me with the option of taking it out on myself or waiting until I get home and hope the wife is up for a little action (which, with some of you being married men, you know how often that isn’t a guarantee). Sometimes, though, the moment just strikes, and I feel the need to strike while the iron’s, well, hot. What is the verdict on rubbing one out in the men’s room during the work day?
Sincerely,
Office Jerk
Fire away. Just be quick, and make sure no one else is in the bathroom. Flush the evidence.
Football: How is it at all possible that the Patriots are going to be good with their weak secondary and ancient linebackers. Even if they have the Golden Boy back, they still need a defense, right?
The 21st-century Patriots have always gotten away with cobbled-together defenses that seemed excellent because (a) Belichick genius blah blah blah and (b) solid line play from the likes of Vince Wilfork and Richard Seymour. They’ll be back atop the AFC Eastthis year.
Sex: I am a guy’s girl. I LOVE sports, especially football and baseball. I love going out and drinking, especially with a group of guys. Probably eight out of ten of my friends are guys. This has happened mainly because I can’t stand other girls and all their bullshit. Lately though, I’m wondering if my sex life is suffering because of my sort of manly qualities. I’m an attractive (I’m told), athletic girl (no I don’t look like a softball player, if you were going to make a joke like that) girl, about an 8/10. What the fuck is going on? Let’s just say, it’s been since December and I’m dying. I used to get laid almost everyday. What the fuck do I do?
PUNTE: Not to be rude, but doesn’t every girl in America think she’s an 8 out of 10?
Honey, there’s a comments section full of virgins that will happily not be able to satisfy you.
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The more you’re happy with who you are, the more likely it is that other people will find you attractive. Will it result in the loss of your V-card? Not necessarily, but you’re going to end up a happier, more fulfilled person.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG
@BBF fucker: Die. All three of you. What a piece of shit.
Three does not go into one, there will always be a remainder.
And even if you try, it may look good in a flick, but that has got to be damn uncomfortable. Pulled groins, strained hamstrings and clashing balls are all inevitable.
@ da great white hype: +3 for the Pearlmann reference
@Ken: I understand that logic, however I think some guys were concerned about finding “The One” in college. Let’s be honest with ourselves, the odds of finding that one in college is lower than 15%. All my friends in college who thought that are either single/still searching. Only of my friends is still with the same girl that he was dating college and they knew each other high school.
Lesson for today: In your college, spend less time looking for the one and go for the “strange.” You will not regret it.
The idea of improving one’s self image, in order to enhance their sexual prowess, is the best advice ever. Most guys, girls who have issues with meeting other coeds just can’t get past their own insecurity. Ken doesn’t seem to be in that category, but for the general population… if you don’t ask you won’t know. The other thing, appeal to other senses… smell nice, be funny, be accessable, be accomodating, don’t be impatient. Once you’re in the sack, don’t spring any information. There isn’t any need. Just relax. A drink or two wouldn’t be a bad idea, in any first time situation with a new partner. It’s all instinctual. Do what seems normal, listen to what she says… again… be accomodating.
Regarding having an affair with your brother’s wife… the fact that you’re considering this is bad enough. There’s no good to come from being the ‘other guy’. That’s some serious devestation to someone you love. It’s bad enough if you don’t know the husband, etc… but to make your brother feel that way. Wrong. Take it from someone who’s been that guy (not my brother’s wife)… If you’re any kind of a person, you have some very real issues regarding your own self image. Mine was right after my divorce, and I still feel bad. I should. I moved on. Tell your brother. He should know that he’s married to someone like that.
Does anyone really think that rubbing your cock up against some other dude’s while cramming them into a large gaping orifice sounds enticing… I assume you’re protected, but who gets to cum first? Ugh! And this chick, good lord… daddy issues, anyone? Catcher’s mit? She’d make a nice leg warmer.
Right on Gunther. Thats exactly how you score all the sweetness your girls friends have to offer.
@ FuckLion: it’s “putting the pussy on a pedestal.”
Soooo where’s the photo of the SIL?
hey, ummm, yeah so can we get that picture yet sister in law fucker? please? early sexy friday?
You won’t have to worry about anything, except baseball stats, or coming up with a new rating system for chicks.
Now that is fantastic advice (and productive).
@ Yeah, right
As long as the mitt was recently broken in with shaving cream. That shit is sticky!
@Ken, et al – The virgin thing is really a mental obstacle we guys create for ourseleves. I was a late bloomer (21) and it was no big deal at all. I think the line from 40 year old virgin is perfect. “You’re putting the dick on a pedestal.”
It’s just sex. If you are really self conscious, have her get on top for the first go around. You won’t have to worry about anything, except baseball stats, or coming up with a new rating system for chicks.
@Otto: With enough lube you can fuck a catcher’s mitt.
Or so I heard.
Good sexbag this week, lofty. No racism, vag warts or POFLAWA’s. The apadravya was weird, but at least it’s not contagious.
How do I approach the friend about hooking up with out my girl finding out? (that’s the question)
Gospel according to Gunther: When you get back to your hometown, shoot the friend an email saying, ” I had a great time in AC, let’s grab a drink friday after work.” Make sure its at a bar where the other girl doesn’t frequent. Have few casual drinks, talk about the good parts of the wknd in AC, then order two shots of tequila, don’t ask her, just order them. Get festive, after you’re both a little loopy and happy suggest a change of scene. On your way to the next bar, kiss her, a real take charge long kiss. Hit the next bar for one more drink, the anticipation of a heavy hookup will be driving both of you crazy during that next drink, its a home run from there.
What?! Virgin-on-virgin sex is a terrible idea!
Look, I’m a girl, and I can promise you that late-term male virginity is not as big a deal to us as you all seem to think it is. Like, complete 100% FMRA money-back guarantee.
RE Zack Says:
“@Slash: that all depends on the color, temperature, and consistency of the nuclear waste.”
RE 85 Says: “@Slash: Yeah, I mean, is the nuclear waste like a 6 or higher?”
I knew I’d get a couple jokes out of that comment.
RE “We’re arguing two sides of the same scummy coin. The moral of the story is simple: keep your dick and vag out of holes it doesn’t belong in. Also, he should absolutely email that picture to his brother. That’s Man Law, too.”
Agreed (on the e-mailing the picture). Normally, I’d say don’t tell friends or siblings that their SO’s are coming on to you, because they won’t believe it. But he has photographic evidence. She’s clearly not very smart. Or she really really wants to be divorced.
Ken the virgin: I think it says something for your judgment that you don’t just throw it in any available hole. I don’t see the need to tell the potential first that you’re a virgin. If she’s not a virgin too, she’s had her share of somewhat-awkward encounters, I seriously doubt every dude your average woman has had sex with is amazing in the sack. In fact, I’d say the odds are very good that at least half of them are no better than kinda disappointing. So if you’re worried that you won’t compare favorably to the average dude out there, I’d say you probably don’t have much to worry about. Like the women who think they are 9′s when they’re not, there are tons of men who think they’re hot shit who really are not that earth-shattering.
@ Otto – I don’t know. But, somewhere, Danica McKeller is masturbating furiously.
@Ken – there’s some good advice up there. The Cougar thing might not be a bad idea. Or, believe it or not, there are SOME 20something female virgins, too. That would, ultimately, be the ideal situation -even if she’s not a complete looker by whatever your standards are.
When did this turn into the fantasy math mailbag?
@Craig
Guaranteed sex?
If that pussy goes to Indo China the virgin should be popping out of a bowl of rice and pop a load in that ass.
@FMRA – I’m more like the Colts offense. I’ve got a few base plays I run to perfection, I can audible at the line, and I’m a threat to score any time.
What’s the furthest a virgin should travel for guaranteed sex?
Just curious…
I didn’t bang chicks until after college either. Sadly, I was kind of a bible banger for some reason in college and “waiting”. Embarrassing, I know. However, I made up for it big time once I did start getting the willy wet. So don’t worry you 24 year old virgins. You’re first time might be awkward but once you tap something for the first time your penis is going to need its own fucking cell phone.
@ASGMF – statistics hate is where you are vulnerable. Anyway, such a scale is useless for the typical person because 90% of the women will be 0s.
“I start to get lot on that 1F shit.”
By “lot” I meant “lost”
You would understand if you had a medical card too.
This requires way too much brain power, but the best objective rating scale I’ve heard was to make it logarithmic. So a 1 means she’s hotter than one out of every ten girls, 2 is one out of a hundred, 3 is one out of a thousand, and so on. This makes a 9 really worth it, since she’s literally one of the three or five hottest women on the planet.
No 10′s yet, but we’re getting there.
/prepares for math hate
@long time listener Says:
Not only can I do binary, I can convert it to hex. Which would make the perfect girl a 9. Good thing she can’t go past a 15 because I start to get lot on that 1F shit.
Attention all virgins! It helps to leave the house and go places with women/men once in awhile. Don’t obsess. Be yourself, be natural and try not to force the issue. As all of our previously mentioned brethren said “It will happen”.
Ken: You sound depressed. I liked the earlier comment about finding a cougar. A real cougar would pay a kings ransom for a fresh piece of meat. Don’t look at the first encounter as a milestone. You have to get over the virgin stigma. Try a week or month or 3 month encounter and let her give you some lessons. She will do so willingly. Take her advice. Hone it. Make it your own.
Once you get the confidence built up and when your game develops – and it will, Ken, it will – you can meet a girl who may become “the right” one and then you will really have a milestone moment.
And it will be worth the wait.
Okay, THAT really confuses me. How do they actually manage to all get their junk in there? I’ve seen the DP with the 2 and 1 bit, which is awkward but manageable, but 3 in the same hole? Unless they’re midgets and one’s coming in from the ten o’clock position, so to speak, how do they actually GET there?
Are you asking us to do internet research? I might get fired from work for this, but it might be worth it. We could make it the greatest work project ever.
You star in your next film where you actually take three. (NO JOKE!)
Okay, THAT really confuses me. How do they actually manage to all get their junk in there? I’ve seen the DP with the 2 and 1 bit, which is awkward but manageable, but 3 in the same hole? Unless they’re midgets and one’s coming in from the ten o’clock position, so to speak, how do they actually GET there?
Every week I get on here, and I explain to people that “When you propose/get married/move in, the sex either stops, or it stops being so much fun.”
And yet, every week, there’s a guy who goes “Shit man, my chick and I had the kind of sex that showered ceilings in cum 17 times a week, and now I proposed/married her/let her move in with me, and suddenly it’s just not that cool anymore? What the fuck is up with that.”
So, on more time : A WOMAN WILL HAVE GREAT SEX WITH YOU FOR JUST AS LONG AS IT TAKES HER TO SNARE YOU. THEN WHEN SHE HAS YOU, THE SEX STOPS. MESSAGE ENDS.
As for the double vaginal bit, jesus, bang the whore already.
@ Ken:
If you want to tell a girl, then by all means do so. But bear in mind that it’s not required, and could end up making you and/or her even more self-conscious. I can tell you that when I lost my v-card to a more experienced girl, I didn’t tell her it was my first time; I just let it happen. I did tell her a couple years later, and she was surprised because it was so good for both of us. In this case, simplicity is your friend.
+1 to Slothrop.
Ken, you’re not applying for a license here. If a girl wants to have sexy fun time with you and you want to have it with her, then just let it happen. There’s no reason to go through your sexual history, short or long. The key is to find what you like and what she likes and try to make as much of that happen.
Ultimately, the hang-up regarding virginity lies with you and not with your (potential) partner.
All that said but here’s one little bit of advice: when it’s going down, shut up and let it happen.
@ken are u jeff pearlman from 1992
Ken:
Your virginity is only an issue if you let it be. Hence, if you’re with a young lady and things get to the sexy stage, you don’t have to tell her you’ve never done it. If you tell her, that can be great (belief dat), but not telling her is no sin (belief dat too). remember, sex is a process to endeavor reproduction, so your body will know what to do, and a good lady friend will tell you what she likes.
In other words, don’t ask, don’t tell, have fun. Unless she wants to know and is cool and wants to have fun. Above all, be safe and have fun. It’s not a black mark on your soul. You’ve just missed out on a good (ok, great) game of kickball.
I’m one of the virgins (the second one). I don’t post here ever. I thought I would point out that I stayed a virgin because I thought I should ‘wait’ for the ‘right one’. I turned down random encounters, dated a girl who wanted to wait for marriage (which I wasn’t prepared to actually do – get married to her, I mean), and had a couple relationships that didn’t get to the sex stage even though I would have been happy to lose my virginity to those girls. Essentially, it’s my fault I’m a virgin…I could have had sex (I’m no prize guy but I’m attractive to some girls and I know that) but was afraid it would be a bad experience I would regret.
Of course, I’m rather regretful now that I didn’t, and my concern is that, even if I were extremely pleased with myself and all that, isn’t the fact that I’m a virgin at this point just a mark against me that will turn many girls (who might otherwise be interested) off?
In all seriousness:
Did anyone expect this to become a decent sex/advice column? Seriously, this stuff makes more sense than what half the so-called professional advice columnists crank out. It’s like Dan Savage, then KSK, then everyone else. This should be syndicated — there are weekly “alternative” papers that would pay to run it in print form.
Well done, good sirs. Well done.
I would love for you guys to run a piece asking sex-mailbaggers that had their questions answered to re-email a short story about what transpired after they had implemented the advice given in this column.
@ Gino Tourettsa, @ Rob in WI: I’d argue for the simplified binary scale. 0 being no, 1 being yes.
The problem with the number rating system is that it’s relative depending on location. A 20 year old chick who is a 6 when she is in a roomful of her college peers suddenly becomes a 9 when she walks into a room full of women who are my age.
Also, a woman who is an 8 on the south side of Indianapolis (where a full set of teeth is unusual) would be a 3 or a 4 in Miami Beach. Same goes for a woman who is an 8 in Green Bay.
It just seem like it would be difficult to find a consensus on this. Conversely, it would be quite easy to reach a consensus on the fact that mrhotpance is a dick.
@Otto — Come on, give me a little more credit than that. Eh, maybe not.
Still, minor success with average girls is always better than zero success. It’s science.
@TR – with just a tweak, it can do double duty with the DVDA comments from before.
Dropping 30 lbs. helped me go from having absolutely no success to marginal success with girls
For some reason, “marginal success” sounds like you were picking off the sick and wounded girls from the fringes of the herd.
/Done with the nerdy wordplay.
//For now.
I give a girl with humor and intelligence a rate of 8. Looks are the added leather interior.
A girl with a leather interior? To each his own.
Most guys would prefer someone whose vagina hasn’t been worn down to a catcher’s mitt.
… work harder to like themselves. Join a gym or a running club.
I’ll second this advice. It’s not meant to be demeaning and it’s easier said than done, but losing weight definitely does boost your self-esteem if it’s an issue. Dropping 30 lbs. helped me go from having absolutely no success to marginal success with girls in a short time period (granted, it was also college). Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but still an improvement nonetheless.
@Gino: I never understood the rating system myself. What are we, buying a used fucking car? That car looks nice it’s a solid 8.
I give a girl with humor and intelligence a rate of 8. Looks are the added leather interior.
SKOL Vikings.
@hotpance – Honestly your comments cannot touch my pain. Caveman may not recommend suicide (Millen excepted) but I recommend it for a fucking hang-nail.
It’s just incredibly assholic to decide who should be allowed to reproduce. The subtext is that the speaker considers himself worthy of a genetic legacy. He isn’t. No one is. Having children is the most selfish thing someone can do.
Virgins deserve to be removed from the gene pool? What does that mean? If they remain virgins it is nonsensical. I declare that stillborn infants should not have children. If they eventually have sex then they are no longer in that class, so then the can have children? The only situation in which it makes sense is if you are advocating a cherry deadline, after which point anyone who is still a virgin is executed or castrated.
The world is a fucked up place because the only people who have children are the fuckers who think procreation is a good thing.
Never have kids, hotpance. The world has reached its asshole limit.
True words. Lofty words.
@ Zach – sounds like my post hit close to home for you. Sorry that a post made on the interwebs by a person you’ll never meet is causing you such pain.
@hotpants. It wasn’t meant to be clever or original. It was simply sincere.
Ocho Cinco Fan Club, your thinking on this subject matches mine (10 = Aphrodite, 0 = Medusa) – please drop me a line, the task I’m seeking help for is pretty simple (and mildly entertaining).
@Ramrod and Rob in WI: A very long discussion with a bunch of guys a while ago yielded the following updates to the old 1-10 rating system:
-10 implies perfect, and hence does not exist. Go ahead and call Marisa Miller a 9.9
-The average, unfortunately, is not a 5. There are a lot more girls toward the lower end than the higher extremities, so an average is around a 4
-9′s are few and far between, and an 8 is the best you can realistically expect to get in a normal situation
This scale’s a little critical [apologizing to the female readers in advance if it steps on some toes] but it’s not meant to insult women, just gives credit where credit is due. Obviously, since the numbers are skewed, so are the would you/wouldn’t you limits. If your normal cutoff point is a 5, then in this case it’s a 4. Regardless, you might not want to share this with your female friends, lest one behead you for calling her a 7 when she’s used to being called a 9.
@ Zach – thanks for the advice. Too bad it was neither clever or original.
One thing for all the women to understand regarding men and virginity: we are basically on our own where it comes to handing in our V-card. If you were to hear guys in a high school locker room, you’d hear the most misinformation, disinformation and outright bullshit that doesn’t happen in politics.
Some guys are lucky enough to figure it out early. Others take their time. And a select few really have no luck — no friend or older brother to help them out. So they fall behind.
In the end though, it’s getting someone you want that counts. You can lose your virginity at age 12 to Sasquatch’s cousin or Rosie O’Donnell (same thing). It don’t mean you really want to go on about it.
@Slash: Yeah, I mean, is the nuclear waste like a 6 or higher?
We’re arguing two sides of the same scummy coin. The moral of the story is simple: keep your dick and vag out of holes it doesn’t belong in. Also, he should absolutely email that picture to his brother. That’s Man Law, too.
Guys gal, have you fucked all these dudes you hang out with all the time? If so, that might explain it. Branch out and hang out with some new dudes. Plus, chicks that hate other chicks like it seems you do are always a little too edgy for me. As for the virgin with the military father, he’s probably gay. There’s no better time than right now to be gay, if he likes guys tell him to quit wasting time and start living his life. He’ll probably be way happier than he is now. Two dicks in one vagina is gay for sure.
@Slash: that all depends on the color, temperature, and consistency of the nuclear waste.
RE 85 Says: “@Slash: I understand your point. Yeah, if I fuck my wife’s sister, I’m helping to fuck up her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives. But her sister is making the decision to fuck up her own relationship with her sister for the rest of her life. I realize it’s being pretty dismissive of the marital relationship, but lots of people remarry. That’s an option you don’t get with your sibling.”
My position is, there are 3 billion pussies in the world (give or take a few hundred million). Doesn’t seem like it should be too hard to stay away from the one pussy (or two or three or however many) that belong/s to your wife’s sister/s (and I assume I don’t have to include her mother here, but considering some of you sick fuckers, maybe I should). You don’t HAVE to fuck your wife’s sister. It’s not like Sophie’s Choice or something you’ll have to do in order to save the earth from being destroyed by a Texas-sized meteor. You should treat your sister-in-law’s pussy/mouth/asshole (or your brother-in-law’s dick, for the ladies and 10% of the men) like it’s nuclear waste. Would you put your dick in nuclear waste? I certainly hope not.
@Gino Tourettsa, Rob in WI, Ramrod…everyone else who has been talking about ratings:
I’m working on something – for real – I’ve got the site name registered and hopefully will be launching in a few weeks. If you or anyone else wants to help out (I need a few volunteers to “prime the pump” of the rating system, so to speak), please drop me an email (click on my name for the address).
@ Various Virgins: the most difficult thing to do is to get rid of the “V card” once you’ve made it an issue. So don’t focus on it. It’s like trying to hit a curveball — you never do when you stress about it.
@Apadravya: you figured out what your chick likes and all it took was piercing your penis. Whatever works.
@BFF Fucker: Eat shit and die.
@G: welcome to the comfort zone. Just like the virgins above, you’ve gotten comfortable in your everyday life. Change it up.
@Lesbian Fucker: If you’re smitten, then try and pursue a relationship. If it fails, you at least got to live Chasing Amy.
@Dumb Dumb Fucker: Uh, she gives you crazy monkey sex and is still, even with the extra weight, a better looker than you? Maybe she’s the one fucking a dumb dumb.
@Brother: Do.Not.Fuck.Her. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. It might be the plot of countless porn movies, but this isn’t porn (sadly). There ain’t enough ways to pay back that karma.
@3-Way Stop: Sounds like you’re not comfortable doing it. So don’t do it.
@FillyFanatic: Enjoy touching all the bases and don’t pressure for it to happen again.
@Office Jerk: Rub it. Nothing like doing it where it’s forbidden.
@Softball Player: Look for guys who aren’t in your immediate circle. Sounds like the guys with you have adopted you as honorary dude. So they aren’t going to come at you.
@ mrhotpance: how many virgins do you know? Saying that they’re virgins because they “don’t have the inner strength to close the deal” is a cop out and an insult. I second Zach.
“I believe it’s called ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians.’”
Bravo.
“Honestly, where do you go after you’ve had 2 cocks in your vagina?”
You star in your next film where you actually take three. (NO JOKE!)
I though “welp” was a reference to Dumb and Dumber, when Jim Carrey sees those two black guys drinking Big Gulps and says, “Big Gulps, huh? Welp, se ya later!” It means the same thing as “well,” just sounds funnier.
“Honestly, where do you go after you’ve had 2 cocks in your vagina?”
I believe it’s called “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
Never have kids, hotpance. The world has reached its asshole limit.
Can people explain rankings 1-10 for me. My thinking is 9-10 no doubters 8 almost always 7 usually 6 lost 25 lbs would be a 8-9
something like that
@ futuremesrickankiel – I mock virgins only because they deserve it for not having the inner strength to close the deal.
Anyone that doesn’t have the balls to do what comes naturally deserves to not only be mocked but removed from the gene pool altogether. Darwinism, you know?
Candor is my middle name, darling.
Perhaps I’m getting a bit defensive, but it’s due to the fact that my boy was significantly less experienced than I was when we met, and he is absolutely hands-down the best sex I have ever had. Like, eye-rolling barn-burning nose-bleeding cow-humping good… And I actually think his lack of need to prove himself a Lothario is the reason for this.
/gets defensive again
@Slash: I understand your point. Yeah, if I fuck my wife’s sister, I’m helping to fuck up her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives. But her sister is making the decision to fuck up her own relationship with her sister for the rest of her life. I realize it’s being pretty dismissive of the marital relationship, but lots of people remarry. That’s an option you don’t get with your sibling.
In either case, it’s the exact same fucked up thing going on. I just can’t fathom for the life of me how one sibling could do that to another. A spouse shouldn’t do that to the other, but given that people cheat on one another all the time, I guess it just seems less shocking to me from that perspective.
RE futuremrsrickankiel Says: “It’s genuinely surprising to me that, with the number of idiotic sexual hangups and laughable cluelessness about women displayed in this space each week, ‘still being a virgin’ is the one we’re apparently choosing to mock.”
I agree. The guy contemplating double penetration is way more fucked up than any virgin. Call me crazy (and I don’t mean to belabor the point), but I think the general standard should be one dick per vagina.
@ Claude Balls – Even though you may be French (and therefore a gigantic pussy that hates to bathe) I am inclined to agree with you on this.
CC typically doles out rational and reasonable advice but he’s off base on this one. Even if they posted the photo and this crazy bitch found out, the worst she could do is contact her attorney and “suggest” they take it down. By then, I’ll have rubbed one out, downloaded the pic and be happy.
grrr… html fail.
Welp, I think we should shitcan this 10-point attractiveness rating system. It’s vague and retarded.
Alternative suggestions would be helpful?
@FMRA
Thanks, I appreciate the candor.
RE 85 Says: “@Slash: The Man Law/Guy Code is about not doing something to fuck over another guy, basically a ‘do unto others’ between the fellas. If you fuck your wife/girlfriend’s sister, you’re still an asshole, but it’s even more unconscionable from the sibling’s side.”
K, if you say so. I get that betraying your brother (who you’ve known since, generally, childhood) is considered bad form. I guess I’m just old-fashioned in thinking that fucking around on your wife with her sister is just as bad. Because she’s, you know, your wife, and you’re probably helping to fuck up her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives, but I guess as long as it’s not your side of the family’s holidays that are full of tension and awkward silences and bitter recriminations for several decades hence, that’s cool. You will, however, have to find a way to answer your kid/s’ (if there are any) inevitable question: “Daddy, Mommy called Aunt Mary a whore. What’s a whore?” Have fun with that.
Welp, I think we should shitcan this 10-point attractiveness rating system. It’s vague and retarded.