Surprise! Many of Our Readers are Virgins: The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag
We’ve got a special treat today, readers. Not one, not two, but THREE emails about people who have survived into their mid-twenties with their virginity intact. I know what you’re thinking: Whoa! There are die-hard football fans who consult a toilet-humor blog for sex advice that AREN’T popular with the ladies? Welp, it’s true, and it’s all after the jump — along with quests for threesomes, foursomes, and getting gays to play for the other team. As usual, very few people display the ability to self-edit, plus there are about 80 questions about the Bears and Jay Cutler. Why? Because too often, Bears fans get left out of the discussion about which team has the most aggressive homers in the country. Ya wankers.
Let’s start things up with all the virgins, right in a row.
Sexbaggers,
Sex: A good friend of ours is turning 25 and I’ve known this guy since 7th grade. He’s never been with a woman let alone being in a relationship. He’s the typical nerdy guy who spends his time playing his PS3 and being in front of the computer all day. Despite the fact that he’s never been with a girl, I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. I don’t snoop around to his computer trying to find some naked duded pics but his collection of your average porn is everywhere on his computer (download list, browse history, folders, etc). Also I know he’s tried his luck on some girls but it just never succeeded. With that said, it’s his 25th birthday and a bunch of us were wondering what to give the guy. In one hand we could probably hire an escort to accompany him (regardless of whether he’ll try to score or not) but honestly I don’t think he’s even comfortable with the idea of being set up with a hot girl all of a sudden, especially if he finds out that she’s a pro, making the amount of money we spent pretty much futile. On the other hand you might want to buy him some sort of a novelty gift such as a fleshlight but heck we don’t think we want to be THE GUYS who bought him a fleshlight, cause that’s just eerie. Any other ideas? Else we’re just gonna stay ignorant and buy him a couple new PS3 games.
Football:
Ever since Jerry Jones stated that he would love to see a committee with MB3, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice I’ve been cursing his name all the time until our next fantasy draft. I had MB3 last year and we’re not in a keeper league, so is he still a reasonable high draft pick? Another similar question is Shonn Greene, given the unhappy nature of Jones and Washington in NY. Is picking Greene a reasonable late pick or should I just go with other players?
Hi,
My football question is do you expect Carson Palmer to do well this year? He still has the crazy guy and the criminal, but he doesn’t have Housh.
Sex: I’m a 25-year-old virgin male. I have no current prospects or hope. I guess my question is what’s the easiest way to kill myself? Okay, no, seriously, is this such a massive turnoff to most girls that I’m basically screwed, or do I still have a chance to redeem myself?
Dear Purveyors of Knowledge,
Sex: I have a 24 year old friend who’s still a virgin. We went through 4 years of college together and he was never able to seal, not to say there weren’t ample opportunities. He basically had to work at not fucking to be in the pussyless position he calls home today. Women friends have verified that he is a good looking and somewhat charming, yet none of us can figure out why he hasn’t been laid. He regularly talks about women as if his intention is to rid of this burden. There are basically 2 schools of thought between our group of friends: (1) He is gay, but cannot come out as his father would essentially stop loving him (Uber conservative military dad) OR (2) He is just too big of a pussy to pull the trigger and because it has taken so long, he is likely to end up desolate forever. How do we get to the bottom of this mystery? Hired Professional? Take him to the Castro and see if he seems at home (sucks cock in an alley)?
Football: Is Vick a better option than “Baby Hands Smith” [pictured, right -Ed.] or Shaun “limp arm/dick” Hill for SF?
Thanks,
Confused Comrade
Welp, I can’t speak for virgins in their mid-twenties, but I sure wish I had some friends who bought escorts for me. However, I suspect that one night with a hooker would hardly solve the root of the problem — that you virgins out there have self-image/confidence problems and/or unusual hang-ups about sex. And, since we don’t recommend suicide for anyone (unless you’re Matt Millen), I’d suggest that virgins not work harder to get girls to like them, but to work harder to like themselves. Join a gym or a running club. Put the PS3 away and take bartending classes. Hell, join a book club with old ladies (they need love too) or volunteer at a non-profit. Get out of the house, get out of your ordinary comfort zone, meet new people without the pressure of “this is an environment where I’m trying to pick up girls.” The more you’re happy with who you are, the more likely it is that other people will find you attractive. Will it result in the loss of your V-card? Not necessarily, but you’re going to end up a happier, more fulfilled person.
Football answers, in order: I don’t like that Dallas committee at all, but I think there’s an excellent chance that Shonn Green will be a great rookie running back (I also felt that way about Michael Bush and Matt Forte, so I’m batting .500). Carson Palmer is still a very good quarterback, but I wouldn’t want him as my #1 option in fantasy. Vick is definitely better than Alex Smith, but Shaun Hill shows some amount of promise. But hey, you Bay Area fans rooted for Barry Bonds, so why not embrace all the sports villains you can?
Dear Princes of the Poonani:
Football first (as it is, and always shall be): Does Cutlerfucker coming to Chicago turn Devin Hester into a must have receiver this coming season??
Perhaps I’m being too quick to judge, but no. Absolutely not. I wouldn’t take a chance on him until the seventh or eighth round.
Sex: I have been with this chick since like September, and while the sex wasnt always great, I got the job done. Well I recently got my dick pierced (apadravya, in case your wondering, not the usual prince albert) and after the first couple times, I was just amazed at her reaction, and now she cant get enough of it. My question is, is it ok for me to feel shitty cuz I didnt do as well without the piercing, or should I just love the fact that she can’t get enough of my dick??
Welp, I know what I WON’T be Googling today! Don’t live in the past, buddy. Embrace the joy your pierced wiener gives your girl.
KSK,
SEX: I recently spent a night in Atlantic City with a girl I’m seeing/hooking up with and her best friend. After a night of drinking, nude hot tubbing, and flirting with both girls, I naturally expected a threeway….which did not occur despite the fact that we all passed out in the same bed. We hung out on the beach the next day where i basically spent the entire time ignoring my girl and focusing on her friend. By the end of the day my girl looked like she wanted us both to drop dead. My question (finally). How do I approach the friend about hooking up with out my girl finding out? The only time I see her is when the three of us hang out and I’m pretty sure a threeway is out of the question.
Correct.
I really wanna bang the friend. I also dont wanna lose the only girl I’ve been banging for the past 3 years who is clearly the jealous type. They also both have boyfriends but both of them are tools so that shouldn’t stop me.
So, wait. You’re with a girl who’s been cheating on her boyfriend for three years, you shot the moon for a threesome and failed, then you turned your attention to trying to hook up with your semi-girl’s best friend, who also has a boyfriend? And you did all of this in one of the most depressing cities in America? And you don’t want to lose the girl who won’t leave her tool boyfriend? That’s a whole lotta fail in one email. You need to shitcan everything about that experience, including your behavior.
FOOTBALL: With the addition of Michael Crabtree and another year of experience for the young 49er recievers, what kind of year do you see Shaun Hill having? He’s 7-3 as a starter and puts up decent numbers with mediocre talent. With an improved O i think he could be one of the better QBs in the NFC. At least thats what I’ve talked myself into.
Sincerely,
Wannabe BFF Fucker
As a Seahawks fan, I’m definitely worried about my team facing Michael Crabtree twice a year. But let’s not kid ourselves: it’s the duty of hometown fans to talk themselves into thinking their players are better than they actually are. Of Hill’s five wins last year, two of them were against the Rams (he threw three interceptions with a 55.5 passer rating in the latter) and another was a 10-3 yawner against a tailspinning Buffalo team. Hill might prove to be capable, but if he does it will likely be because of Singletary’s revamped defense.
Dear KSK crew,
Sex: My lady and I have been crazy in love for about 7 months, and moved in together about a a month ago. Sex has always been frequent enough (about 6-10 times/week) and high quality and continues to be so. She knows when I start making out with her that it means I want to get busy, and she is almost always game. The problem in the last couple of weeks or so has not been in the sex itself, but rather the mood I’m feeling from her leading up to the sex. She just kinda sits there, not really making any sexy moves back on me, and then after a short while of making out we’ll be having sex. In the past, she could tell I wanted some and would be all over me, or even she would initiate it. As I said, the sex is quality and leaves us both satisfied. My concern is that I’m not feeling any excitement from her before we’re actually having sex. It’s like she’s not really in the mood, but figures she’ll have sex because I want to, and then she ends up enjoying it. It’s strange because we’ve been having as much sex as ever, but this pre-sex thing is starting to really bother me. How should I broach the subject with her?
Well, you guys live together now. She’s probably tired of seeing you all the time. Ask her what you can do to make it better for her. If she doesn’t come up with honest answers, tell her straight-up that it’s obvious she’s not as into it as she used to be.
Football: Which running back would you say is least likely to get fucked over (read: “fucked out of fantasy points”) by his platoon situation?
Thanks,
G
Your best bets are the first-option guys in run-heavy offenses. That means Chris Johnson and (gulps nervously) DeAngelo Williams.
Dear Bear-Fuckers,
FOOTBALL: Apparently Jason Garrett has grown some balls in the offseason because the word out of Valley Ranch is that he is being a semi-hardass in OTAs. Will the combination of this red-headed Ivy Leaguer’s spontaneous testicular generation and Felix Jones/Jason Witten/Roy Williams be enough to bring Romo back from the dead, or is he forever doomed to be the ‘Asshole Who Couldn’t Hold a Slick Football?’
Anything’s possible. Hell, Eli Manning won a Super Bowl against an undefeated team (by throwing a touchdown pass to a guy who shot himself in the leg, no less). That still blows my mind every time I think about it.
COITUS: I had my eyes on this chick for a long time (7/10 face, 8/10 body), but in the interest of playing it cool I kept my distance. We eventually became close and began to talk on the phone regularly, and one night she dropped the bomb on me: “I’m a lesbian.” Right then and there my new life goal emerged – to turn this lesbian straight, or at least to fuck her a time or two. Things progressed, but I kept playing it cool because she was in a committed relationship with an ugly bitch. Long story short, she eventually dumped her girlfriend and the next day had booked a flight to come visit me in the town where I was doing a summer internship. We had a great weekend complete with copious amounts of fucking and good times had by all. I wouldn’t say that I’m smitten with this girl, but I am interested in possible pursuing a relationship with her. My question: Is it possible for me to have a relationship with a novelty fuck, or will she always be “the lesbian” to me?
Hell, you’re the only one who can answer that question. Admit it: you just wanted a public forum to brag about nailing a lesbian.
Dear C-Ape, B-Balls and co.
Football First- Last year I took Aaron Rodgers on a flyer late and he turned into a pretty nice QB for fantasy purposes. The problem is I’m a huge Green Bay fan and when he’d have a shitty day not only would my football team lose, but my fantasy football team usually lost as well. It made for a bad fucking weekend. So question is, do I roll the dice with him again this year or just go with someone slightly shittier like Neck Beard in Denver just to avoid the super shitty weekend scenario?
Everyone knows that the homer position is tight end. However, you should be drafting the best available player that fits your needs. Don’t gun for Rodgers, but Jesus, if it’s between Rodgers and Neckbeard for you, and you take Neckbeard, you deserve every taunt you get from your league-mates.
Sex-My long time girlfriend has put on a bunch of weight since we got together about 2 years ago.
In the Midwest? No way!
She’s still kinda pretty, but damn, she used to be a fox. I’m not super attractive, but I’m not a beast either, when we started dating she was out of my league, about a year in we were probably in the same league, now I could probably do better. She’s a machine in the bedroom and is pretty much down for anything. Problem is she dumb dumb dumb. I put up with it when she was out of my league, dealt with it when we were about the same because of her bedroom antics, but now I’m thinking I should cut the cord. Should I do it or should I keep her around for the crazy monkey sex?
So you’ve dated someone who’s “dumb dumb dumb” for two years? Maybe she’s not the stupid one.
Dear KSK guys who make me laugh, cry, feel bad about myself…
Football- Where will Greg Olsen rank amongst tight end this year in fantasy stats?
Olsen’s stats are likely to improve somewhat, but I doubt he’ll be a game-changer. Unless you’re snagging Tony Gonzalez or Antonio Gates, tight end is a week-to-week crapshoot.
Now to the real reason why I wrote. My sister in law wants to fuck me! I know what I am supposed to do (not fuck her), I know what I want to do (fuck her) but I can’t. I am not going to. My question is what the fuck do I tell my brother? Nothing? Everything? I shouldn’t fuck her right? I have never in my life regretted being a decent person till right now. My sister in law is a gorgeous blonde, big tits, great body and as cool a chick I have ever met.
Kyle in Chicago
P.S.- I forgot that I didn’t mention how I know she wants to fuck me. It isn’t real interesting. My brother is an accountant for a major law firm, so travels quite extensively. He is in South America right now for a month. She called yesterday looking for my email address. Today I open up a photo of her naked on her bed with the subject line reading: 10 p.m. I’ll send the photo Friday if you guys run this. No point giving something away for free.
Wow, that is awesome. I mean, awful for your brother, but awesome for everyone else. It’s a shame that she’s the “brother’s wife” kind of sister-in-law; the Man Law regarding “wife’s sister” is somewhat hazier.
But yes: obviously, you can’t sleep with your brother’s wife unless you’re planning to kill him. How to tell him? Shit, man. I don’t know. You should probably give him some kind of heads-up before you forward him that email, though.
To the A-Team of Anal,
Football- I’m trying to figure out a late round steal at QB in my upcoming draft. Do you think Joe Flacco can put up some numbers even sans wide receivers, or should I roll the dice with Trent Edwards having TO? Any other late round QBs in mind?
Flacco’s ability to run makes him an okay spot starter, but keep in mind that Baltimore is a defense-first, run-oriented team. In the late rounds, you can take bigger risks hoping for a bigger payout. So yeah: Trent Edwards.
Sex- Okay, so I’ve got a buddy, not a real close friend, but we know each other. He and his girlfriend, who is a solid 8 with a great ass, do all kinds of shit that’s strange to me, invite couples over to swap, invite in two other girls, invite in two other guys. It’s like a Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors of Fornication over there.
Watch out for the Baseball Nut.
Recently, I was at their place for a cookout, and when things started to end, the three of us started talking about said group activities. To make a long story short, they want me to come in and be a 3rd, nothing male on male, but she really wants double vaginal. Now my moral conundrum is, I know, in my heart, that I’m not interested in rubbing my junk against another dudes junk until climax. That is, definitively, gay. But you throw in the fact that we’re rubbing junk inside of a vagina….now I’m completely confused.
Ah, the ol’ “having sex with a vagina but rubbing another guy’s junk” conundrum. Who hasn’t been there?
What should I do? Should I just casually suggest for a DP so I can secure my self some anal, AND not have to rub junk (WIN/WIN), just man up and give her the 2Ds in a V, or just back out completely because I can’t comprehend it all….I just don’t want to wind up doing something I can’t use as a spankbank memory in the future. I’m also worried about the logistics of it all, because if his ass/taint/balls get anywhere near my head, we’ve got serious issues.
Go, or no go? I leave it to the you, and the ksk forum to decide.
3-way Stop
If it were me, I’d politely pass. Maj, however, suggests that you ask to go solo first to get warmed up, then blow your load and get the hell out of there.
To the 21st century knobslobberers:
Sex first because, well, sex is soooo awesome… Been dating my girlfriend for more than a year and a half, we moved in together last year and I will drop the ol’ proposal probably within the next year since she’s pretty awesome across the board. We happen to be good friends with a (cute) lesbian couple, and a while ago we privately discussed a fantasy of all four of us getting together. It was nothing more than a pipe dream until I found out from one of the lezbos that they had privately discussed the same thing. So it finally happened once, and it was pretty awesome (but tame – there were a few ground rules, so it was just a lot of making out which is still sweet) and it wasn’t awkward afterward either which is even better. We decided that this wasn’t a regular thing (I mean I don’t live in Utah) but we’d leave open the option for it to happen again.
So here’s the thing…my girlfriend LOVES to fantasize about it. She’ll bring it up unprovoked, it turns sex between us from great to amazing and frankly it’s just fun to think about. But once it comes time to plan to actually do it again, she gets cold feet and says “I don’t think I’m comfortable with it tonight.” I’m perplexed. What gives? I’m fairly certain she enjoyed the first time around, what’s with her performance anxiety and what can I do to get things rolling?
Well, there’s a big gap between fantasy and making it a reality. I’d suggest that you not get too greedy; it’s already (kind of) happened, and it’s made your sex life better. Stop trying to plan it, take the pressure off of her to commit to doing it again. Then, maybe a little while down the road, the four of you will end up drunk at the same party. Or not. You had a foursome with three chicks, man. Just bask in the memory.
Football: As an Eagles fan, should I just resign myself to the fact that Philly is GREAT at making the NFC championship and that’s it? And do they have a shot at returning to, but not winning, the NFC title game this year?
Answer these questions effectively and I’ll buy Drew’s book,
~FillyFanatic
“Wah wah wah, my foursomes with three women don’t go all the way, and my team only makes the conference championship regularly.”
Internet Forum Ass-Bandits,
Football: So with Da Bears, now that we’ve now got the Cutlerfucker under center, what are the odds that Jerry Angelo will keep his head out of his ass long enough to find someone for him to throw the ball to other than “Guy Who Used to Return TDs For Us”? Secondary question, when will he turn into a little bitch and whine his way off of this team too?
FUCK THE BEARS. There, I said it.
[Two paragraphs about working on a college campus with lots of hot girls, but he's married.]
So, that leaves me with the option of taking it out on myself or waiting until I get home and hope the wife is up for a little action (which, with some of you being married men, you know how often that isn’t a guarantee). Sometimes, though, the moment just strikes, and I feel the need to strike while the iron’s, well, hot. What is the verdict on rubbing one out in the men’s room during the work day?
Sincerely,
Office Jerk
Fire away. Just be quick, and make sure no one else is in the bathroom. Flush the evidence.
Football: How is it at all possible that the Patriots are going to be good with their weak secondary and ancient linebackers. Even if they have the Golden Boy back, they still need a defense, right?
The 21st-century Patriots have always gotten away with cobbled-together defenses that seemed excellent because (a) Belichick genius blah blah blah and (b) solid line play from the likes of Vince Wilfork and Richard Seymour. They’ll be back atop the AFC Eastthis year.
Sex: I am a guy’s girl. I LOVE sports, especially football and baseball. I love going out and drinking, especially with a group of guys. Probably eight out of ten of my friends are guys. This has happened mainly because I can’t stand other girls and all their bullshit. Lately though, I’m wondering if my sex life is suffering because of my sort of manly qualities. I’m an attractive (I’m told), athletic girl (no I don’t look like a softball player, if you were going to make a joke like that) girl, about an 8/10. What the fuck is going on? Let’s just say, it’s been since December and I’m dying. I used to get laid almost everyday. What the fuck do I do?
PUNTE: Not to be rude, but doesn’t every girl in America think she’s an 8 out of 10?
Honey, there’s a comments section full of virgins that will happily not be able to satisfy you.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
finally! MY WORKDAY IS NOW COMPLETE
June 4th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I didn’t think they’d make it by 5…thank god…i almost had to…whats that called?….work!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I have been hitting refresh for 2 hours now. Finally!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I would take a virgin over some asshole who lost it out of desperation to a hooker any day. Less experienced men are infinitely better lays, anyway, because they don’t just try to run some kind of sexual West Coast Offense they made up in their early twenties on you and call it a night. Give me a man who’s willing to learn and experiment any day.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Great advice to the 20-something virgins out there (including me, I’m afraid). I’ll take it to heart.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Just googled apadravya…
Kind of reminded me of a motorcycle crash i saw on the highway last week. Except the person is a penis, and the motorcycle is a steel bar.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I’m in the same boat with the second emailer.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
First, Captain Caveman wrote “Welp” instead of “Well” three goddamn times. Fucking retard.
3 Way Stop: Speaking from experience, please dont do it. Those are mental scars that dont easily heal my friend.
Kyle in Chicago: Legal issues would probably forbid KSK from runningh said picture, but thank you for volunteering it. Take your bro out for a drink, show him the email, help him hide the body. That’s your brotherly duty.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“You need to shitcan everything about that experience, including your behavior.”
I never expected to see…. ACTUAL ADVICE!?!?!?!
Jesus. What next?
June 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
apadravya
And, shazam to you, too!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I banged/dated a lesbian for about a year, and i highly recommend it. (really, i’ve just been seeking a place to brag about that, too)
June 4th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Virgins,
One option is Cougars. Cougars are easy marks and they love guys in their mid twenties. When I was having dry spells in my mid tewnties, it is how I busted the slump every time. Well, that or a fat chick occasionally. Any downsides? Sure. Cougars usually smell like menthol cigarettes and have wilted leather faces. But she will probably buy your drinks too, so that may make up for it.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Caveman was kind of right about the virgin thing; as in it’s not a requirement of an older virgin to have something “wrong” with you, but it’s true that it’ll happen when you stop trying. Trust me, I know.
Don’t get your virgin friend a hooker, unless you casually bring up the topic of hookers and he seems interested. I will give it up though, that it’s a lot harder to be a 20-year-old guy virgin than a girl.
And to the guys’ girl: you’re putting yourself in the friend zone. A lot of girls who hang out with guys are pretty cute but don’t show it too much. If you want one of the guys, see him alone and gussy yourself up A BIT. Don’t go overboard with makeup and a frilly dress, ’cause that’s not you. Just wear a pushup bra and some nice fitting jeans, and hint to him that your athletic abilities aren’t limited to the field.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
3way/49ers question author here. i since banged both girls seperatly. tnx for the advice!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
the wiki entry for apadravya is…let’s use the word ‘jarring.’ Who is the second dude who does this?
June 4th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Welp, I can’t speak for virgins in their mid-twenties, but I sure wish I had some friends who bought escorts for me.
Admit it Ufford, only the second half of that sentence is true
June 4th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Does this mean that we can officially put the virgin questions to rest now?
And guy’s girl- you just described pretty much every chick who hangs out around these parts. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Sounds like you’ve got it in your head that you ARE somehow different or bizarre, and you’re standing in your own way of getting laid.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
a bunch of us got our 23 year old virgin friend a hooker. he came out and honestly told us that he couldnt get it up with her saying he didnt think she was attractive. since we had paid for the hour already two of my friends were more than willing to give us back our share of the money and use that remaining time for themselves. true story. i probably wouldnt recommend doing the same for your friends unless they’re asking for it.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
WHY DID I THINK THAT THE WIKI ENTRY FOR APADRAVYA WOULDN’T HAVE A PHOTO???
It was nice having a job, while it lasted. And I’ve been with a guy who had the regular ol’ Prince Albert, and, meh. Nothing special. Now I’m intrigued though…
June 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
First, Captain Caveman wrote “Welp” instead of “Well” three goddamn times. Fucking retard.
That’s what happens when you answer the questions in three separate writing sessions. Since it bothers you so much, I’ll be sure to keep doing it.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@ Kyle – This sister in law of yours is no good. She’ll eventually cheat on your bro so I think you should fuck her senseless then show your brother the email. She’ll of course retort by saying that you banged her but you’ll of course deny it. It would be a good way for your brother to get rid of this worthless skank and a good way for you to hit some hot poon.
Ps – post that pic
June 4th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
“Sex has always been frequent enough (about 6-10 times/week) and high quality and continues to be so.”
/bangs head against desk repeatedly
You DONT have a problem, my friend.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
“That’s a whole lotta fail in one email. You need to shitcan everything about that experience, including your behavior.”
Your weekly truism.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Guy w/ girl getting fat: Go on a “heart healthy” kick, which also happens to be a way to lose weight but if you base it around heart health it’s a lot less insulting and she’ll probably join you out of ease. Unless she’s Brian’s-girlfriend-on-Family-Guy-dumb, in which case, yea, bolt.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@:futuremrsrickankiel- I prefer the Sexual Run & Shoot.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I prefer the Sexual Run & Shoot.
Or Shoot & Run, as it were.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Virgins,
As someone who had occasional performance problems with the strange bush in my early twenties (didn’t recover until I had a real relationship)- a trick is definitely not going to solve the problem, your friend will just end up embarassed and with a whole new complex. They’ll get there if they can find a girl they are comfortable with (as friends, you should encourage any prospects regardless of opinion) and cap the porn at a couple times a week.
G,
Once i started living with said broad, I was in the same boat before long- never denied if I instigated but didn’t get the hand down my pants on the couch or while the rice was boiling often. It took me a while to realize that if I let her have an off-night or two then she’d come back for more rather than just assaulting her everyday (to mutual satisfaction). Just say that you want her to instigate things sometimes and force yourself to at least twice a week not jump on her at bedtime or before. Quality will increase and inevitable downward spiral will be prolonged… that said, make sure she knows that after 60 hours you will be an absolute ass and come home from work two hours late and pissed.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Of the virgin brigade: #1 and #2 just sound like your average, awkward doofuses, #3 does sound suspiciously gay.
For the first two, I think maybe some body waxing and then speed dating will convince them that they don’t need pussy that bad.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
What’s important in any sexual encounter, as the Colts and Patriots have taught us, is an effective slot receiver.
…Kill me.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Quite an assortment of topics here — a bevy of virgins on the one hand, and lesbian foursomes and steel bar piercings on the other.
This is like an auto advice column with some questions about how to make the car go forward and others about how to repair a DOHC 24 Valve V6 engine with nothing but tin foil and three paperclips.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
“10 p.m. I’ll send the photo Friday if you guys run this. No point giving something away for free.”
And then just forward the link to your brother. Problem solved!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Back in college I told a 5 (a female friend) she was a 7, and she was offended – thinking she was at least an 8. Ugh.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@ 3 Way – I’m happy to say that I’ve had three threesomes in my life – all involving a buddy and I abusing some poor girl with little to no self esteem. In all three instances I never came close to my buddy’s hook, shit even catching a glimpse of it was traumatic. I’d pass on the double vaginal as it’s definitely gay.
@ Athletic Chick that is supposedly an 8/10 – either the guys you are hanging out with are a bunch of homos or you are full of shit. If you are decent looking, like to watch football and hang out and drink, there’s no reason the guys aren’t falling all over you. Unless you constantly spew racial epithets while watching the game and used to date some hipster doofus up until recently?
This mailbag sucked. We need to get some reader turnover or something.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@ BoxFiend
I was thinking about resisting and instituting an “off night” or two. That seems to be the way to go, and has proven in the past to make the next time even better. Better than the Cap’n’s “advice”.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
ufford, dont you mean “welp thats what happens…”
June 4th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
We dropped a 25 year old virgin frat brother off at the bunny ranch in vegas to pop his cherry. Worst money ever spent. Hes even worse with ladies than he was before.
That said, buy him a BJ that he doesnt know you paid for. That should at least give him a taste. And if hes gay you will know, because no guy turns down a BJ.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
@Otto: the virgins need only consult the manual to discover which lever is the velocitator and which the decellatrix.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Maybe I’m not watching enough porn, but I just don’t get the logistics of 2 D’s in the V. DP I get. But, that just seems like it would be awkward, and I don’t even mean the part about rubbing some other guy’s junk. Huh. I need to do some research…
June 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
3 Way Stop: I have been in a couple of MFM threesomes, and if you aren’t pretty good friends with the dude, you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of awkward afterwards. My suggestion: blindfold her, bend her over and let her play guess that cock. I now feel like I’ve shared too much.
Kyle, tell your brother. But if your hands aren’t as clean as you let on in the email, be honest about that, too.
Wannabe, your leter reads like a pseudo-noir soft porn on Cinemax. I picture you as a young Randy Spears.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
To the dude who scored with the lezzie and wants to get romantic with her….
I’ve been in that situation before, and saw a lot of success, so I have some advice for you.
1. She’s a lesbian because she WANTS to be a lesbian. Most lesbians are like this. So don’t deny her her “lesbianism”. Allow her to call herself what she wants, and she will always feel like she is having the best of both worlds. She may say something like, “This is crazy, I’m a lesbian, I don’t know why I like this so much.” If you say something like, “I love you for WHO you are, not WHAT you are,” you’re convincing her that there is still just cause to like a guy, even though she is a lesbian. She may eventually see her “label” as being pointless.
2. Watch lots of lesbian porn. Girls really know how to treat girls in bed, and theres a lot that a guy can learn from that. If you can be the guy that fucks her like a lesbian, she will really appreciate that. That can mean more than giving her lots of head; lesbians are also playful, cheery and caressing with each other in bed. They move differently.
3. Be very good to her. Lesbians only exist because guys are dicks. But lesbians still buy dildos and strap-ons for a reason. They still want dick, they just can’t find a girl who has one. You don’t have to become a girl, but you may have to attune yourself to them.
4. You WANT her to be a lesbian. Lesbians don’t fuck other guys. Lesbians rarely cheat at all, really. If you’re the only guy she would ever fuck, that’s a damn good thing. In my case, she actually said to me, “You know, I don’t think I’m a lesbian. I think I’m bi.” to which I replied (after we just had sex), “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re a lesbian. You LOVE girls. I’m just a little bit of a lesbian, too.” It’s awesome sleeping with a girl who would never sleep with a guy.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Thanks for all the ‘don’t buy your friend a hooker advice’ – I feel the same way, but desperate times…
@Slash
I agree, not that there is anything wrong with that. Does that mean we just have to tolerate all his nonsense girl bs, and just try to continue getting him laid sans hooker? I doubt he would ever come out, that will only happen when he is married with 2 kids in private school.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Ahh, New Jersey, America’s armpit.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I remember DVDA being in the Nasty Fetish Tournament and I voted for it to continue until it was no longer an option. That shit is unnatural.
Honestly, where do you go after you’ve had 2 cocks in your vagina?
June 4th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
“he has a girlfriend, who is a solid 8 with a great ass”
does the 8 include the great ass, or is she a nine after said inclusion of the great ass?
sister-in-law wannafucker: if you fuck your brother’s wife, you better pray he’s flying air france back from s. america
June 4th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Shouldn’t Wikipedia have a NSFW warning if they are going to include a picture? GOOD GOD – I typed apadravya into Wikipedia, and my computer screen was penetrated by a penis that seems to be doing bicep curls
June 4th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
“Honestly, where do you go after you’ve had 2 cocks in your vagina?”
Rehab.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Um, how is the “Man Law regarding wife’s sister” somewhat hazier?
If she’s the EX-wife’s sister, maybe, but if you’re still married, how does this not rise to the level of douchebaggery that fucking your brother’s wife does?
June 4th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I blame the internet for all these 20 yr old virgins.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Ufford’s advice to the virgins and friends of said virgins is right on the money. Any guy who’s ever had a hot and a cold streak knows that the entire key to getting laid is being comfortable in your own skin. When it’s running cold for a while you get in your own head, wondering why it’s not happening for you, but once you break the slump the floodgates open. Why? Because you’ve stopped worrying about it, and girls can pick up on it from miles away. Sadly, I feel like that’s why Ed Hardy cocksmacks seem to attract women – they don’t worry about if they’ll get it when they feel like it’s owed to them. Find a happy medium, and doing things to improve yourself first is a damn good start.
Sister-in-law guy: Forward the email to your brother and GETCHA POPCORN READY!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Girlfriends and wives can cum and go. Brothers are forever. Oh, and if you didn’t get laid during four years of college, wtf did you major in? Chess? History? Hey 3-way Stop, you’ll regret not doing it a whole lot less than if you do it. Oink
June 4th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
@UU – I totally agree. The easy access to porn has allowed too many guys to fill their needs without having to find a willing partner. Being 35, I remember when porn was very difficult to find in a small suburban town. Hell, it was virtually impossible unless you could get that cable dial stuck right between two channels. “Yes, Emanuel 8 is on!!!”
June 4th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
@Slash: The Man Law/Guy Code is about not doing something to fuck over another guy, basically a “do unto others” between the fellas. If you fuck your wife/girlfriend’s sister, you’re still an asshole, but it’s even more unconscionable from the sibling’s side.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Caveman, your advice to the virgins basically boils down to “Work harder to like yourself, then other people will like you!” With all due respect, I must ask you, sir, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, UP WITH FUCKING PEOPLE?! The only ways I get people to like me are by baking for them, fucking them, or buying them things. I want to know how to do THAT more effectively..
For example: PUNTE: Not to be rude, but doesn’t every girl in America think she’s an 8 out of 10?
Not the ones who are honest with themselves. I’m a 6 on a good day.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
@Sage Rosencopter: OMG, the Emmanuelle movies! I remember watching those movies on fuzzy Cinemax. We only got it on our upstairs TV on channel 8 and it looked like you were watching it through a Nor’easter.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I must ask you, sir, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, UP WITH FUCKING PEOPLE?!
I once saw Up With Fucking People put on a great half-time show. They’re so upbeat and positive when they’re fucking.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
@Clare – And don’t forget Lady Chatterly’s Lover.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
And jebus, normally I don’t comment on the alleged capacity of someone else’s vagina, but… ick. Why would you even wanna go there? If you’re supposedly not gay? She can’t be that good-looking. Goddam, go find a single-dick-capacity vagina and forget about hers.
RE Confused Comrade Says:
“I agree, not that there is anything wrong with that. Does that mean we just have to tolerate all his nonsense girl bs, and just try to continue getting him laid sans hooker? I doubt he would ever come out, that will only happen when he is married with 2 kids in private school.”
I say let him come out in his own good time. He has a bright future ahead of him as Republican Senator.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
@ Clare – what makes you a 6? Describe yourself and I’ll let you know if you’re being honest with yourself.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Wife wanted to move her sister in with us to help sister’s financial situation. I said the over and under was 3 and 7. She asked what that was. I said days before I fuck her. Subject was never brought up again. Oink.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
@85
Fucking your brother’s wife is definitely a terrible thing to do, but if you’re single at least you aren’t wrecking your own relationship. Fucking your wife’s sister, however, makes you wrong twice.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
To all the virgins: seriously, if you went to college, how in the hell did you not lose your virginity? Either you were socially awkward, no interested in dating or kind of a dumb ass. You could have fell over and gotten laid.
Sister-In-Law: The girl is clearly on the hot/crazy scale and since she is above the Vicky-Mendoza diaganol. Tap it.
Girl at the end: I agree with Punte, any girl gives herself an 8/10 rating. She is either being generous or she is comparing herself to her friends. If her friends are all 6 out of 10, she obviously give herself two bumps.
If she is actually that hot, then something is either stopping her mentallly or she is in the “real world” where if your not above an 8, guys will not pay attention to you.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
@Hot Carl: I was just trying to explain how “Man Law” plays into it. Honestly, though, I still think fucking your brother’s wife is more despicable than cheating on your own spouse. Both terrible to be sure, but people cheat on each other all the time. Half of all marriages end in divorce. But blood is blood. That, to me, is just beyond unspeakable.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
@I Run Like Dennis Dixon
“To all the virgins: seriously, if you went to college, how in the hell did you not lose your virginity? Either you were socially awkward, no interested in dating or kind of a dumb ass. You could have fell over and gotten laid.”
Agreed, which is why I think he is possibly gay. HOWeVA, that is the single only thing about him that suggests he is gay, at all.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
It’s genuinely surprising to me that, with the number of idiotic sexual hangups and laughable cluelessness about women displayed in this space each week, “still being a virgin” is the one we’re apparently choosing to mock.If a guy is desperately trying to get laid and failing to ludicrous degree at every turn, that’s one thing… but simply not having found the right moment is a personal choice, I think, and one that merits respect rather than lame attempts on the part of obviously immature and sexually retarded friends to diminish it.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Am I the only one who thinks CobraCommander is the biggest dick in the world?
Dude, you just discouraged Kyle in Chicago from distributing a picture of his hot naked whore of a sister-in-law and you discouraged the KSK guys from sharing said picture with the rest of us. And you did it by playing the vague-but-ominous “Legal issues” card.
First, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded?
Second, exactly what “legal issues” are you talking about? It sounds like she’s 18 or older. There’s no indication that the sister in law placed any restrictions on what Kyle does with the photo. More importantly, there’s no indication that Kyle agreed to any such restrictions. He’s free to do what he wants with that photo, except publish it for financial gain. Same goes for KSK. As long as they don’t attempt to make money from the publication of the photo, I don’t see any legal risk in sharing it with their loyal readership. They can slap a NSFW tag on the link and make their supporters happy.
Third, fuck you, you unthinking prick.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Welp, I think we should shitcan this 10-point attractiveness rating system. It’s vague and retarded.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
RE 85 Says: “@Slash: The Man Law/Guy Code is about not doing something to fuck over another guy, basically a ‘do unto others’ between the fellas. If you fuck your wife/girlfriend’s sister, you’re still an asshole, but it’s even more unconscionable from the sibling’s side.”
K, if you say so. I get that betraying your brother (who you’ve known since, generally, childhood) is considered bad form. I guess I’m just old-fashioned in thinking that fucking around on your wife with her sister is just as bad. Because she’s, you know, your wife, and you’re probably helping to fuck up her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives, but I guess as long as it’s not your side of the family’s holidays that are full of tension and awkward silences and bitter recriminations for several decades hence, that’s cool. You will, however, have to find a way to answer your kid/s’ (if there are any) inevitable question: “Daddy, Mommy called Aunt Mary a whore. What’s a whore?” Have fun with that.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
@FMRA
Thanks, I appreciate the candor.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Welp, I think we should shitcan this 10-point attractiveness rating system. It’s vague and retarded.
Alternative suggestions would be helpful?
June 4th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
grrr… html fail.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@ Claude Balls – Even though you may be French (and therefore a gigantic pussy that hates to bathe) I am inclined to agree with you on this.
CC typically doles out rational and reasonable advice but he’s off base on this one. Even if they posted the photo and this crazy bitch found out, the worst she could do is contact her attorney and “suggest” they take it down. By then, I’ll have rubbed one out, downloaded the pic and be happy.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
RE futuremrsrickankiel Says: “It’s genuinely surprising to me that, with the number of idiotic sexual hangups and laughable cluelessness about women displayed in this space each week, ’still being a virgin’ is the one we’re apparently choosing to mock.”
I agree. The guy contemplating double penetration is way more fucked up than any virgin. Call me crazy (and I don’t mean to belabor the point), but I think the general standard should be one dick per vagina.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@Slash: I understand your point. Yeah, if I fuck my wife’s sister, I’m helping to fuck up her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives. But her sister is making the decision to fuck up her own relationship with her sister for the rest of her life. I realize it’s being pretty dismissive of the marital relationship, but lots of people remarry. That’s an option you don’t get with your sibling.
In either case, it’s the exact same fucked up thing going on. I just can’t fathom for the life of me how one sibling could do that to another. A spouse shouldn’t do that to the other, but given that people cheat on one another all the time, I guess it just seems less shocking to me from that perspective.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Candor is my middle name, darling.
Perhaps I’m getting a bit defensive, but it’s due to the fact that my boy was significantly less experienced than I was when we met, and he is absolutely hands-down the best sex I have ever had. Like, eye-rolling barn-burning nose-bleeding cow-humping good… And I actually think his lack of need to prove himself a Lothario is the reason for this.
/gets defensive again
June 4th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
@ futuremesrickankiel – I mock virgins only because they deserve it for not having the inner strength to close the deal.
Anyone that doesn’t have the balls to do what comes naturally deserves to not only be mocked but removed from the gene pool altogether. Darwinism, you know?
June 4th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Can people explain rankings 1-10 for me. My thinking is 9-10 no doubters 8 almost always 7 usually 6 lost 25 lbs would be a 8-9
something like that
June 4th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Never have kids, hotpance. The world has reached its asshole limit.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
“Honestly, where do you go after you’ve had 2 cocks in your vagina?”
I believe it’s called “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
June 4th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I though “welp” was a reference to Dumb and Dumber, when Jim Carrey sees those two black guys drinking Big Gulps and says, “Big Gulps, huh? Welp, se ya later!” It means the same thing as “well,” just sounds funnier.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
“Honestly, where do you go after you’ve had 2 cocks in your vagina?”
You star in your next film where you actually take three. (NO JOKE!)
June 4th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
@ mrhotpance: how many virgins do you know? Saying that they’re virgins because they “don’t have the inner strength to close the deal” is a cop out and an insult. I second Zach.
“I believe it’s called ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians.’”
Bravo.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
@ Various Virgins: the most difficult thing to do is to get rid of the “V card” once you’ve made it an issue. So don’t focus on it. It’s like trying to hit a curveball — you never do when you stress about it.
@Apadravya: you figured out what your chick likes and all it took was piercing your penis. Whatever works.
@BFF Fucker: Eat shit and die.
@G: welcome to the comfort zone. Just like the virgins above, you’ve gotten comfortable in your everyday life. Change it up.
@Lesbian Fucker: If you’re smitten, then try and pursue a relationship. If it fails, you at least got to live Chasing Amy.
@Dumb Dumb Fucker: Uh, she gives you crazy monkey sex and is still, even with the extra weight, a better looker than you? Maybe she’s the one fucking a dumb dumb.
@Brother: Do.Not.Fuck.Her. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. It might be the plot of countless porn movies, but this isn’t porn (sadly). There ain’t enough ways to pay back that karma.
@3-Way Stop: Sounds like you’re not comfortable doing it. So don’t do it.
@FillyFanatic: Enjoy touching all the bases and don’t pressure for it to happen again.
@Office Jerk: Rub it. Nothing like doing it where it’s forbidden.
@Softball Player: Look for guys who aren’t in your immediate circle. Sounds like the guys with you have adopted you as honorary dude. So they aren’t going to come at you.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
@Gino Tourettsa, Rob in WI, Ramrod…everyone else who has been talking about ratings:
I’m working on something – for real – I’ve got the site name registered and hopefully will be launching in a few weeks. If you or anyone else wants to help out (I need a few volunteers to “prime the pump” of the rating system, so to speak), please drop me an email (click on my name for the address).
June 4th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
RE 85 Says: “@Slash: I understand your point. Yeah, if I fuck my wife’s sister, I’m helping to fuck up her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives. But her sister is making the decision to fuck up her own relationship with her sister for the rest of her life. I realize it’s being pretty dismissive of the marital relationship, but lots of people remarry. That’s an option you don’t get with your sibling.”
My position is, there are 3 billion pussies in the world (give or take a few hundred million). Doesn’t seem like it should be too hard to stay away from the one pussy (or two or three or however many) that belong/s to your wife’s sister/s (and I assume I don’t have to include her mother here, but considering some of you sick fuckers, maybe I should). You don’t HAVE to fuck your wife’s sister. It’s not like Sophie’s Choice or something you’ll have to do in order to save the earth from being destroyed by a Texas-sized meteor. You should treat your sister-in-law’s pussy/mouth/asshole (or your brother-in-law’s dick, for the ladies and 10% of the men) like it’s nuclear waste. Would you put your dick in nuclear waste? I certainly hope not.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
@Slash: that all depends on the color, temperature, and consistency of the nuclear waste.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Guys gal, have you fucked all these dudes you hang out with all the time? If so, that might explain it. Branch out and hang out with some new dudes. Plus, chicks that hate other chicks like it seems you do are always a little too edgy for me. As for the virgin with the military father, he’s probably gay. There’s no better time than right now to be gay, if he likes guys tell him to quit wasting time and start living his life. He’ll probably be way happier than he is now. Two dicks in one vagina is gay for sure.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@Slash: Yeah, I mean, is the nuclear waste like a 6 or higher?
We’re arguing two sides of the same scummy coin. The moral of the story is simple: keep your dick and vag out of holes it doesn’t belong in. Also, he should absolutely email that picture to his brother. That’s Man Law, too.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
One thing for all the women to understand regarding men and virginity: we are basically on our own where it comes to handing in our V-card. If you were to hear guys in a high school locker room, you’d hear the most misinformation, disinformation and outright bullshit that doesn’t happen in politics.
Some guys are lucky enough to figure it out early. Others take their time. And a select few really have no luck — no friend or older brother to help them out. So they fall behind.
In the end though, it’s getting someone you want that counts. You can lose your virginity at age 12 to Sasquatch’s cousin or Rosie O’Donnell (same thing). It don’t mean you really want to go on about it.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
@ Zach – thanks for the advice. Too bad it was neither clever or original.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
@Ramrod and Rob in WI: A very long discussion with a bunch of guys a while ago yielded the following updates to the old 1-10 rating system:
-10 implies perfect, and hence does not exist. Go ahead and call Marisa Miller a 9.9
-The average, unfortunately, is not a 5. There are a lot more girls toward the lower end than the higher extremities, so an average is around a 4
-9’s are few and far between, and an 8 is the best you can realistically expect to get in a normal situation
This scale’s a little critical [apologizing to the female readers in advance if it steps on some toes] but it’s not meant to insult women, just gives credit where credit is due. Obviously, since the numbers are skewed, so are the would you/wouldn’t you limits. If your normal cutoff point is a 5, then in this case it’s a 4. Regardless, you might not want to share this with your female friends, lest one behead you for calling her a 7 when she’s used to being called a 9.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Ocho Cinco Fan Club, your thinking on this subject matches mine (10 = Aphrodite, 0 = Medusa) – please drop me a line, the task I’m seeking help for is pretty simple (and mildly entertaining).
June 4th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
@hotpants. It wasn’t meant to be clever or original. It was simply sincere.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
@ Zach – sounds like my post hit close to home for you. Sorry that a post made on the interwebs by a person you’ll never meet is causing you such pain.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Never have kids, hotpance. The world has reached its asshole limit.
True words. Lofty words.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
@hotpance – Honestly your comments cannot touch my pain. Caveman may not recommend suicide (Millen excepted) but I recommend it for a fucking hang-nail.
It’s just incredibly assholic to decide who should be allowed to reproduce. The subtext is that the speaker considers himself worthy of a genetic legacy. He isn’t. No one is. Having children is the most selfish thing someone can do.
Virgins deserve to be removed from the gene pool? What does that mean? If they remain virgins it is nonsensical. I declare that stillborn infants should not have children. If they eventually have sex then they are no longer in that class, so then the can have children? The only situation in which it makes sense is if you are advocating a cherry deadline, after which point anyone who is still a virgin is executed or castrated.
The world is a fucked up place because the only people who have children are the fuckers who think procreation is a good thing.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
@Gino: I never understood the rating system myself. What are we, buying a used fucking car? That car looks nice it’s a solid 8.
I give a girl with humor and intelligence a rate of 8. Looks are the added leather interior.
SKOL Vikings.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
… work harder to like themselves. Join a gym or a running club.
I’ll second this advice. It’s not meant to be demeaning and it’s easier said than done, but losing weight definitely does boost your self-esteem if it’s an issue. Dropping 30 lbs. helped me go from having absolutely no success to marginal success with girls in a short time period (granted, it was also college). Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but still an improvement nonetheless.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I give a girl with humor and intelligence a rate of 8. Looks are the added leather interior.
A girl with a leather interior? To each his own.
Most guys would prefer someone whose vagina hasn’t been worn down to a catcher’s mitt.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Dropping 30 lbs. helped me go from having absolutely no success to marginal success with girls
For some reason, “marginal success” sounds like you were picking off the sick and wounded girls from the fringes of the herd.
/Done with the nerdy wordplay.
//For now.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
@TR – with just a tweak, it can do double duty with the DVDA comments from before.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
@Otto — Come on, give me a little more credit than that. Eh, maybe not.
Still, minor success with average girls is always better than zero success. It’s science.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
The problem with the number rating system is that it’s relative depending on location. A 20 year old chick who is a 6 when she is in a roomful of her college peers suddenly becomes a 9 when she walks into a room full of women who are my age.
Also, a woman who is an 8 on the south side of Indianapolis (where a full set of teeth is unusual) would be a 3 or a 4 in Miami Beach. Same goes for a woman who is an 8 in Green Bay.
It just seem like it would be difficult to find a consensus on this. Conversely, it would be quite easy to reach a consensus on the fact that mrhotpance is a dick.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
@ Gino Tourettsa, @ Rob in WI: I’d argue for the simplified binary scale. 0 being no, 1 being yes.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I would love for you guys to run a piece asking sex-mailbaggers that had their questions answered to re-email a short story about what transpired after they had implemented the advice given in this column.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
In all seriousness:
Did anyone expect this to become a decent sex/advice column? Seriously, this stuff makes more sense than what half the so-called professional advice columnists crank out. It’s like Dan Savage, then KSK, then everyone else. This should be syndicated — there are weekly “alternative” papers that would pay to run it in print form.
Well done, good sirs. Well done.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I’m one of the virgins (the second one). I don’t post here ever. I thought I would point out that I stayed a virgin because I thought I should ‘wait’ for the ‘right one’. I turned down random encounters, dated a girl who wanted to wait for marriage (which I wasn’t prepared to actually do – get married to her, I mean), and had a couple relationships that didn’t get to the sex stage even though I would have been happy to lose my virginity to those girls. Essentially, it’s my fault I’m a virgin…I could have had sex (I’m no prize guy but I’m attractive to some girls and I know that) but was afraid it would be a bad experience I would regret.
Of course, I’m rather regretful now that I didn’t, and my concern is that, even if I were extremely pleased with myself and all that, isn’t the fact that I’m a virgin at this point just a mark against me that will turn many girls (who might otherwise be interested) off?
June 4th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Ken:
Your virginity is only an issue if you let it be. Hence, if you’re with a young lady and things get to the sexy stage, you don’t have to tell her you’ve never done it. If you tell her, that can be great (belief dat), but not telling her is no sin (belief dat too). remember, sex is a process to endeavor reproduction, so your body will know what to do, and a good lady friend will tell you what she likes.
In other words, don’t ask, don’t tell, have fun. Unless she wants to know and is cool and wants to have fun. Above all, be safe and have fun. It’s not a black mark on your soul. You’ve just missed out on a good (ok, great) game of kickball.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
@ken are u jeff pearlman from 1992
June 4th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
+1 to Slothrop.
Ken, you’re not applying for a license here. If a girl wants to have sexy fun time with you and you want to have it with her, then just let it happen. There’s no reason to go through your sexual history, short or long. The key is to find what you like and what she likes and try to make as much of that happen.
Ultimately, the hang-up regarding virginity lies with you and not with your (potential) partner.
All that said but here’s one little bit of advice: when it’s going down, shut up and let it happen.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
@ Ken:
If you want to tell a girl, then by all means do so. But bear in mind that it’s not required, and could end up making you and/or her even more self-conscious. I can tell you that when I lost my v-card to a more experienced girl, I didn’t tell her it was my first time; I just let it happen. I did tell her a couple years later, and she was surprised because it was so good for both of us. In this case, simplicity is your friend.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Every week I get on here, and I explain to people that “When you propose/get married/move in, the sex either stops, or it stops being so much fun.”
And yet, every week, there’s a guy who goes “Shit man, my chick and I had the kind of sex that showered ceilings in cum 17 times a week, and now I proposed/married her/let her move in with me, and suddenly it’s just not that cool anymore? What the fuck is up with that.”
So, on more time : A WOMAN WILL HAVE GREAT SEX WITH YOU FOR JUST AS LONG AS IT TAKES HER TO SNARE YOU. THEN WHEN SHE HAS YOU, THE SEX STOPS. MESSAGE ENDS.
As for the double vaginal bit, jesus, bang the whore already.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:12 am
You star in your next film where you actually take three. (NO JOKE!)
Okay, THAT really confuses me. How do they actually manage to all get their junk in there? I’ve seen the DP with the 2 and 1 bit, which is awkward but manageable, but 3 in the same hole? Unless they’re midgets and one’s coming in from the ten o’clock position, so to speak, how do they actually GET there?
June 5th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Okay, THAT really confuses me. How do they actually manage to all get their junk in there? I’ve seen the DP with the 2 and 1 bit, which is awkward but manageable, but 3 in the same hole? Unless they’re midgets and one’s coming in from the ten o’clock position, so to speak, how do they actually GET there?
Are you asking us to do internet research? I might get fired from work for this, but it might be worth it. We could make it the greatest work project ever.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:06 am
@long time listener Says:
Not only can I do binary, I can convert it to hex. Which would make the perfect girl a 9. Good thing she can’t go past a 15 because I start to get lot on that 1F shit.
Attention all virgins! It helps to leave the house and go places with women/men once in awhile. Don’t obsess. Be yourself, be natural and try not to force the issue. As all of our previously mentioned brethren said “It will happen”.
Ken: You sound depressed. I liked the earlier comment about finding a cougar. A real cougar would pay a kings ransom for a fresh piece of meat. Don’t look at the first encounter as a milestone. You have to get over the virgin stigma. Try a week or month or 3 month encounter and let her give you some lessons. She will do so willingly. Take her advice. Hone it. Make it your own.
Once you get the confidence built up and when your game develops – and it will, Ken, it will – you can meet a girl who may become “the right” one and then you will really have a milestone moment.
And it will be worth the wait.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:22 am
This requires way too much brain power, but the best objective rating scale I’ve heard was to make it logarithmic. So a 1 means she’s hotter than one out of every ten girls, 2 is one out of a hundred, 3 is one out of a thousand, and so on. This makes a 9 really worth it, since she’s literally one of the three or five hottest women on the planet.
No 10’s yet, but we’re getting there.
/prepares for math hate
June 5th, 2009 at 1:22 am
“I start to get lot on that 1F shit.”
By “lot” I meant “lost”
You would understand if you had a medical card too.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:38 am
@ASGMF – statistics hate is where you are vulnerable. Anyway, such a scale is useless for the typical person because 90% of the women will be 0s.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:08 am
I didn’t bang chicks until after college either. Sadly, I was kind of a bible banger for some reason in college and “waiting”. Embarrassing, I know. However, I made up for it big time once I did start getting the willy wet. So don’t worry you 24 year old virgins. You’re first time might be awkward but once you tap something for the first time your penis is going to need its own fucking cell phone.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:29 am
What’s the furthest a virgin should travel for guaranteed sex?
Just curious…
June 5th, 2009 at 4:38 am
@FMRA – I’m more like the Colts offense. I’ve got a few base plays I run to perfection, I can audible at the line, and I’m a threat to score any time.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:38 am
@Craig
Guaranteed sex?
If that pussy goes to Indo China the virgin should be popping out of a bowl of rice and pop a load in that ass.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
When did this turn into the fantasy math mailbag?
June 5th, 2009 at 8:52 am
@ Otto – I don’t know. But, somewhere, Danica McKeller is masturbating furiously.
@Ken – there’s some good advice up there. The Cougar thing might not be a bad idea. Or, believe it or not, there are SOME 20something female virgins, too. That would, ultimately, be the ideal situation -even if she’s not a complete looker by whatever your standards are.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:11 am
RE Zack Says:
“@Slash: that all depends on the color, temperature, and consistency of the nuclear waste.”
RE 85 Says: “@Slash: Yeah, I mean, is the nuclear waste like a 6 or higher?”
I knew I’d get a couple jokes out of that comment.
RE “We’re arguing two sides of the same scummy coin. The moral of the story is simple: keep your dick and vag out of holes it doesn’t belong in. Also, he should absolutely email that picture to his brother. That’s Man Law, too.”
Agreed (on the e-mailing the picture). Normally, I’d say don’t tell friends or siblings that their SO’s are coming on to you, because they won’t believe it. But he has photographic evidence. She’s clearly not very smart. Or she really really wants to be divorced.
Ken the virgin: I think it says something for your judgment that you don’t just throw it in any available hole. I don’t see the need to tell the potential first that you’re a virgin. If she’s not a virgin too, she’s had her share of somewhat-awkward encounters, I seriously doubt every dude your average woman has had sex with is amazing in the sack. In fact, I’d say the odds are very good that at least half of them are no better than kinda disappointing. So if you’re worried that you won’t compare favorably to the average dude out there, I’d say you probably don’t have much to worry about. Like the women who think they are 9’s when they’re not, there are tons of men who think they’re hot shit who really are not that earth-shattering.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
What?! Virgin-on-virgin sex is a terrible idea!
Look, I’m a girl, and I can promise you that late-term male virginity is not as big a deal to us as you all seem to think it is. Like, complete 100% FMRA money-back guarantee.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:26 am
How do I approach the friend about hooking up with out my girl finding out? (that’s the question)
Gospel according to Gunther: When you get back to your hometown, shoot the friend an email saying, ” I had a great time in AC, let’s grab a drink friday after work.” Make sure its at a bar where the other girl doesn’t frequent. Have few casual drinks, talk about the good parts of the wknd in AC, then order two shots of tequila, don’t ask her, just order them. Get festive, after you’re both a little loopy and happy suggest a change of scene. On your way to the next bar, kiss her, a real take charge long kiss. Hit the next bar for one more drink, the anticipation of a heavy hookup will be driving both of you crazy during that next drink, its a home run from there.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Good sexbag this week, lofty. No racism, vag warts or POFLAWA’s. The apadravya was weird, but at least it’s not contagious.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am
@Otto: With enough lube you can fuck a catcher’s mitt.
Or so I heard.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@Ken, et al – The virgin thing is really a mental obstacle we guys create for ourseleves. I was a late bloomer (21) and it was no big deal at all. I think the line from 40 year old virgin is perfect. “You’re putting the dick on a pedestal.”
It’s just sex. If you are really self conscious, have her get on top for the first go around. You won’t have to worry about anything, except baseball stats, or coming up with a new rating system for chicks.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@ Yeah, right
As long as the mitt was recently broken in with shaving cream. That shit is sticky!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am
You won’t have to worry about anything, except baseball stats, or coming up with a new rating system for chicks.
Now that is fantastic advice (and productive).
June 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
hey, ummm, yeah so can we get that picture yet sister in law fucker? please? early sexy friday?
June 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Soooo where’s the photo of the SIL?
June 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
@ FuckLion: it’s “putting the pussy on a pedestal.”
June 5th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Right on Gunther. Thats exactly how you score all the sweetness your girls friends have to offer.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
The idea of improving one’s self image, in order to enhance their sexual prowess, is the best advice ever. Most guys, girls who have issues with meeting other coeds just can’t get past their own insecurity. Ken doesn’t seem to be in that category, but for the general population… if you don’t ask you won’t know. The other thing, appeal to other senses… smell nice, be funny, be accessable, be accomodating, don’t be impatient. Once you’re in the sack, don’t spring any information. There isn’t any need. Just relax. A drink or two wouldn’t be a bad idea, in any first time situation with a new partner. It’s all instinctual. Do what seems normal, listen to what she says… again… be accomodating.
Regarding having an affair with your brother’s wife… the fact that you’re considering this is bad enough. There’s no good to come from being the ‘other guy’. That’s some serious devestation to someone you love. It’s bad enough if you don’t know the husband, etc… but to make your brother feel that way. Wrong. Take it from someone who’s been that guy (not my brother’s wife)… If you’re any kind of a person, you have some very real issues regarding your own self image. Mine was right after my divorce, and I still feel bad. I should. I moved on. Tell your brother. He should know that he’s married to someone like that.
Does anyone really think that rubbing your cock up against some other dude’s while cramming them into a large gaping orifice sounds enticing… I assume you’re protected, but who gets to cum first? Ugh! And this chick, good lord… daddy issues, anyone? Catcher’s mit? She’d make a nice leg warmer.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@ da great white hype: +3 for the Pearlmann reference
@Ken: I understand that logic, however I think some guys were concerned about finding “The One” in college. Let’s be honest with ourselves, the odds of finding that one in college is lower than 15%. All my friends in college who thought that are either single/still searching. Only of my friends is still with the same girl that he was dating college and they knew each other high school.
Lesson for today: In your college, spend less time looking for the one and go for the “strange.” You will not regret it.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Three does not go into one, there will always be a remainder.
And even if you try, it may look good in a flick, but that has got to be damn uncomfortable. Pulled groins, strained hamstrings and clashing balls are all inevitable.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
@BBF fucker: Die. All three of you. What a piece of shit.
June 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
The more you’re happy with who you are, the more likely it is that other people will find you attractive. Will it result in the loss of your V-card? Not necessarily, but you’re going to end up a happier, more fulfilled person.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG