Spencer Larsen: A Newspaper Sportswriter’s Wet Dream
When you go both ways in the NFL, it’s not a gay thing, it’s a very awesome, badass thing. The second-year player is splitting time in OTAs, getting reps at fullback on offense and linebacker on defense. He also figures to be involved in all four special teams, call all the passing plays and serve refreshments to luxury suite holders at the half.
I’m surprised we don’t see more of this with a 47-man active roster limit. I mean, you need a kicker AND a punter, just so those two have each other to jerk off during two-a-days, but why not have that sort of Swiss Army player that can learn positions on different sides of the ball?
Truth is, it does happen to some degree within a specific offense or defensive unit. Unless a high-profile left tackle was a 1st-round pick in the Draft, he almost always has to learn all the other offensive line positions. Defensive ends and linebackers have similar mental workloads, especially in a zone blitz scheme where linemen are asked to drop into pass coverage (from a three-point stance, no less). Hell, I can barely pop off the couch to answer a phone call before the third ring.
It’s made out to be a bigger deal when a guy does it on offense AND defense, and it should be. But imagine being a 50-year-old sportswriter at some newspaper, longing for the days of Concrete Charlie when this story came along the wire last season. OMG HE PLAYED BOTH WAYS MY BONER JUST CRASHED INTO MY MAHOGANY DESK NOM NOM NOM. I don’t know, I’m assuming he’d be eating something. And then when dude found out it was a white guy that did it, he probably blasted a load clear down to the classifieds desk.
So yeah, it’s a fun anomaly; I guess I’m just surprised we don’t see more of it. But then some guys bitch and moan when being asked to move from inside linebacker to outside linebacker. I can see why the old guys like that sort of thing.
Tags: MMP, old people, Spencer Larsen
June 4th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Speaking of kickers, how have we not found 32 human beings on earth that can kick a football through the uprights consistently from 50+ yards away? And we have people like Suisham who still have a job.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Brian Russell played QB in college, and is now a safety.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Good thing Craigslist put everyone on the classifieds desk out of a job already.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Martellus Bennett gets in on kickoffs, and actually lays some wood from time to time.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Randy Moss used to play safety for jumpball situations.
(I know none of these are the same, it’s just fun).
June 4th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
OMG HE PLAYED BOTH WAYS MY BONER JUST CRASHED INTO MY MAHOGANY DESK NOM NOM NOM. I don’t know, I’m assuming he’d be eating something. And then when dude found out it was a white guy that did it, he probably blasted a load clear down to the classifieds desk.
Punte, that is just right. PK, did you know we had spy cameras?
June 4th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
The second-year player is splitting time in OTAs, getting reps at fullback on offense and linebacker on defense. He also figures to be involved in all four special teams, call all the passing plays and serve refreshments to luxury suite holders at the half.
“You might not know who Spencer Larsen is, but maybe you should. While most players in the NFL are screaming ‘SHOW ME THE MONEY!’, Spencer just asks his coaches, ‘Show me the field.’ This second-year pro will play any position on offense or defense — he’s a small-town kid with big-time dreams who’s just happy to play the game, and he doesn’t care if you stick OL or LB or FB next to his name. Also, he has a dick growing out of his ear, which is inspiring.”
/Rick Reilly’d
June 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Wait, there were FOUR paragraphs of reasoned football analysis BEFORE the dick joke?
I must be reading the New Republic’s football blog.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
It’s past 2:30pm est on a Thursday – so I arrived at KSK with high hopes for anal sex advice.
Instead I got an athletic NFL player going both ways. The Mailbag has really gone downhill.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Thanks for the mental picture.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Going both ways (cheerleader) > Going both ways (football player)
/sex adviced
June 4th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Cue the “Spencer for Hire” headlines…
June 4th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
seriously though… only at work for like another hour.
bring on the sexbag
June 4th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
“OMG HE PLAYED BOTH WAYS MY BONER JUST CRASHED INTO MY MAHOGANY DESK NOM NOM NOM.”
There is no way a 50 year old guy did this. Maybe he got a little tingle, but only on Cialis and while in a bathtub. Then he probably dribbled a little bit down his leg.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Sex, please.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
IT’S 4PM!
I LEAVE WORK IN 45MINS!
WHERE THE HOLLY FUCKING HELL IS THE SEXY SEX MAILBAG!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
This is all well and good, but I can’t jerk it to articles about white fullbacks. I can only get an erection when I read about other peoples’ sex problems.
Maybe I should send a letter about that.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I can only get an erection when I read about other peoples’ sex problems.
Have you tried stomping on small animals? That works for some people.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
…..my name is self explanatory
June 4th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Fuck these idiots.
Fantastic piece.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Asshole Pats fan wants to point out that Troy Brown did this and no one cared. He even stepped in in the middle of the season to.
Honestly this is cool, thank you for pointing this out. It’s something all football fans can appreciate.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I actually bitched and moaned quite a bit when I got moved from outside linebacker to inside linebacker in college. I went from covering the flat, setting the edge, and rushing the passer to reading guards, covering the hook and curl zones, taking on the full back, watching the cutback lane, it sucked. I mean just because I wasn’t as “fast” or “athletic” as the other outside backers I had to do all this thinking??? Complete bullshit
June 4th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
I won’t believe this story until I hear it on one of Peter King’s voicemails.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:27 am
I actually went to college with Spencer and majored in the same field (Regional Development) we shared a few classes. And not for nothing but he was a smart guy, hard worker, and very intelligent. Louis Holmes on the other hand…not so much.