Sean Payton and the XBox Kid
Movie executive: All right, Sean. I’ve already gotten some details on your movie, but I want to hear it from you. Make me see your movie. Lay it out for me.
Sean Payton: The project’s called “The Xbox Kid.” Main character is a poor kid in the Lower Ninth Ward, lost both of his parents in Katrina. Now he’s living with his aunt. He’s really down and out. Getting into a lot of trouble. So his aunt starts forcing him to go to church, but he’s not really into it. As a gag he prays for the Saints to win the Super Bowl. He gets this dream, this vision that he takes the team there himself. He wakes up, thinks nothing of it. Plays some Madden on XBox. Comes to see that the actual Saints game on Sunday plays out just as his Madden game did. He chalks it up to coincidence, but then it happens the same the next week. That triggers it for him. He gets excited, starts telling people, but no one buys it.
So he writes an e-mail to the Saints coach, laying out everything to him, even how the next game is going to play out based on his Madden game. And it happens. The coach is amazed, meets up with him, almost becomes like a father figure. Teaches him some fundamentals of the game, so the kid gets even better at Madden. Together, they lead the franchise to its first-ever Super Bowl, bringing hope and distraction to the people around him. Who does the team end up playing? Of course, the horrible cheating juggernaut Patriots. Word gets out about this kid being our lucky charm, so Bill Belichick breaks into his house and steals his XBox. Kid can’t find it, can’t get it back. In fact, Belichick smashes it to pieces. It’s a very Angels in the Outfield-like end scenario. The coach is distraught. The team is shaken. But then they discover they had the Breesus within them all along and pull it out in the end.
Executive: Interesting.
I like it. Really, I do. In fact, I was already giving it some thought and I think I have the perfect actor in mind for the part of the kid.
[Into intercom] Hey Tracy, send him in.
Executive: You’ve seen Role Models right?
Sean Payton: Oh yeah, I remember. That was funny.
Bobb’e J. Thompson: What’s good, mahfucka?
[Fist bumps with movie exec]
[Looking at Payton] Who’s this fucking faggot?
Movie executive; [Laughs hysterically, wipes away tear] Man, this kid always cracks my shit up. Bobb’e, this guy wrote the thing about the Madden playing kid with the football team.
Bobb’e: That shit? Man, that was wack as fuck. You know what we should do with that?
Movie exec: What’s that?
Bobb’e: First, we need to get me face deep in some Kim Kardashian ass. Ain’t doing this shit unless we make that happen. Next, this kid needs more credit. In the movie, the press should find out the team is winning because of the kid, so this limp dick bama gets fired, like, six weeks into the season. So then we got this long scene with Sean Payton, out of work, sucking dick for Ramen Noodles.
Movie exec: [Cracking up] Oh, that’s good. That’s good.
Sean Payton: Yeah, I don’t think that’s -
Bobb’e: Actually, I think we should change the name of the movie to “Sean Payton Sucks Dick For Ramen Noodles.”
Movie exec: Not bad. Can we get a subtitle?
Bobb’e: How’s this: “Sean Payton Sucks Dick For Ramen Noodles: Shrimp Flavor”?
[Sean Payton sits stunned]
Bobb’e: And we need to get some CGI animal to play one of their players. What the fuck is Kangaroo Jack up to? He’s a funny mahfucka. Make him one of the linebackers or something. Maybe Sean Payton can suck his dick. How would you like some CGI dick in your mouth, Sean?
Movie exec: I’m telling, right here, right now, I can’t greenlight this shit fast enough. I’m even gonna fast track it in front of the Where’s Waldo movie.
Bobb’e: You got something for me in that, right?
Movie exec: Sassy black kid in the frame, 26th from the right. Wearing the same hat as Waldo to throw people off?
Bobb’e: THAT’S MY BOY!
[The two fist bump]
Tags: new orleans saints, sean payton, xmas ape
June 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Reggie Bush was injured in the making of this movie
June 9th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
That boy’s right about one thing: Sean Payton sucks dick.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Is that a mug shot of Payton? Or does he intentionally go for the Glen Campbell and Nick Nolte crazy hair?
June 9th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I was really expecting a “/door flies open” after the jump.
Ape with the curveball.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
@Otto – That’s what he looks like after taking a load.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
This movie’s going to be big- “The Wizard” big!
June 9th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
while reading this, i definitely thought to myself that not only is this a type of movie that someone would actually make, but it would probably break $100 mil
June 9th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Sucking dick to shrimp flavored Ramen noodles: Come for the flavor, stay for the flavor
June 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
This movie’s going to be big- “The Wizard” big!
Bigger than “Kazaam” and “Gridiron Gang” put together.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
:pinches self after actual Saints not related to Kim’s big ass appears on KSK:
And Ape, if you’re going to base this in N’awlins, you should make it “Sean Payton sucks dick for Jambalaya” to give it that Cajun authenticity it lacks.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Perhaps Ramen Noodles: Crawfish Flava?
June 9th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Does coaching in that rat hole really make you look 80 years old when you’re actually 45? Payton looks like a fucking corpse.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
hope and distraction are readily served in New Orleans. they’re also called booze and food.
CGI MUTHAFUCKA!
June 9th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
There’s a Where’s Waldo movie? What if I can’t find where it’s playing?
June 9th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
On the plus side, Shrimp flavored Ramen Noodles is about the only thing that’ll get the dick-sucking taste out of your mouth.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Sean Payton still has a job?
June 9th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
hope: Saints pre-season
distraction: every Midwesterner slut who shows up to flash her tittays during Mardi Gras/Spring Break/Holiday/Wednesdays
June 9th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Nice to see you guys are playing well with FilmDrunk.
Wait, what?
//Get this on FilmDrunk now, fellas.
//kinda wanted Marmalard to wreck shop, but still funny nonetheless.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
You know what’s sad?
I’d actually probably go see this.
/secretly plays through Madden Franchise mode. Colts win next 5 Super Bowls.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
you should get off punte’s kool-aid
June 9th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Peezy thinks that kid needs to FIX HIS MOUF
June 9th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
They’ll greenlight anything in Hollyweird these days won’t they? Sean Payton looks like shit. I guess all the boozing, speedballing and whoring with gay sailors in Nawlins took its toll on him in the offseason
/what in the fuck is a Bobb’e?
//another sad day in black people naming their kids
///The only thing to get the taste of cock from your mouth is an entire bottle of McIlhenny’s…or so I’ve heard…
June 9th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Creamy Chicken is the only flavor worth giving a blowjob for.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
this is probably the only way the saints could win a superbowl though :(
June 9th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Belichick would have just had the kid killed and his house razed. But the rest makes sense.
June 9th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Sassy black kids are the gritty white special-teamers of Hollywood – obnoxious talentless assholes who still make millions more than I do.
That’s why fuckin’ Kenan is now shitting all over the SNL set.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:58 am
How about: It turns out that the sassy black kid is from Belicek’s seed? The XBOX Kid sounds great, but shouldnt it be
“The XBOX 360 Elite Sassy Black Kid from the ghetto”?
June 10th, 2009 at 3:48 am
@Jared Allen’s Sponsor
Wouldn’t Creamy Chicken be the flavor of the blow job?
June 10th, 2009 at 11:24 am
What, pray tell, is everyone’s problem with Kangaroo Jack exactly?
June 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
That kid needs to stop all this cussing. American youth now these days.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
This movie will be very good. I will see it when it first comes out. I hope the Saints just kill those Patriots
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:30 am
I like this, think I need to set up my own blog sometime.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am
I don’t see any of ya’ll dumbasses talking shit now that the season’s actually started and you see that instead of Sean Payton sucking ramen shrimp flavored dick he was actually working on his defense and rushing offense. So, guess ya’ll are sitting around sucking each other’s dick seeing how we’re actually destroying your little pretty boys. So what if the man’s trying to expand himself a little bit. Doesn’t every other music artist, sports athlete, and any other asshole do it? Why should he be any different. Hell, fucking T.O. made his own gay ass show but we don’t see anyone slamming him for it. So next time ya’ll should be a little more considerate about what people are doing. I say he should go for it as long as it don’t affect that team. Few last word for you assholes, WHO DAT?
October 9th, 2009 at 12:03 am
One more thing too, fuck the asshole that wrote this blog.
And fuck me too since I don’t have anything better to do than troll months old blog posts.