In addition to attempting an NFL comeback, former Cowboys kicker Billy Cundiff is breaking in the venture capital business. Uproxx cake is pretty sweet, but I don’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars to throw at a VC hotshot. Even if I did, there’s no way I’m giving it to a grown man named “Billy.”
According to Chick Ludwig of the Dayton Daily News, the Cincinnati Bengals have no interest in signing Greg Ellis, whom he describes as “an old man.” The linebacker was released by the Cowboys earlier this week. “The days of geezers looking to pick up a paycheck are over,” Ludwig trumpeted. Laveranues Coles what?
The Steelers are getting their Super Bowl rings on Tuesday. The NFL is paying for 150 rings worth $5,000 apiece. In completely unrelated news, the NFL announced that they were going to have to lay off yet another 10 percent of their office staff.
David Carradine could have been remembered as Caine. He could have been remembered as Bill. Instead he’s going to be remembered as Gasper the Friendly Ghost. That’s a bitchass way to go out.
Peter King will go out listening to old voicemails.
06.05.09 at 12:22 pm
Otto Man
Good correction, Abbott. Personally, I think strange ‘bating would be a great way to go out.
Not as good as the choose-your-own-death scenario in The Meaning of Life, where the guy gets chased off a cliff by topless rollerskating babes, but it’s close.
06.05.09 at 12:06 pm
Abbott's Nub
…missed my “l” ….stranglebatin’
06.05.09 at 12:05 pm
Abbott's Nub
I think strangebatin’ is a fairly punk rock way to go out.
I give it a “Fuck Yeah”.
06.05.09 at 12:04 pm
Jigga
Soooo… did the guy with the skanky sister-in-law from yesterday’s mailbag email her picture yet?
06.05.09 at 12:03 pm
Harry Pelotas
I hope I’m even still bothering to jack off when I’m 72.
But, yeah, crappy way to go out. Let’s all agree to pretend that he accidentally gave his penis the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
06.05.09 at 11:35 am
Gino Tourettsa
I really hope this David Carradine “gasper” shit isn’t true. I mean, if you’re a rich and well-connected actor staying in luxury hotel in Bangkok (of all places) and you get the urge, you’re already signed up for the Pussy On Demand package. You don’t have to settle for a new way of jacking off the way Australian pop singers do.
06.05.09 at 11:00 am
miamidiesel
@Otto Man: agreed. I would add to the list “The Hills” spin-off “The City” and any of those Bravo shows (“Real Housewives” series, “Millionaire Matchmaker”, etc.) besides the cooking one with Padma Lakshmi. Come to think of it, having seen enough of the latest Real World and the other crap on MTV (“Paris Hilton’s BFF”, “From Gs to Gents”, that shitshow with Diddy, etc.), I’d put the whole MTV lineup on the list.
06.05.09 at 10:34 am
Snow
HARF HARF HARF BEN LIKES THE RING. SUGAR CRYSTALS WITH THE CHOCO TACO WAS GOOD. THE BEN ATE LIKE 20 OF THEM. HARF HARF HARF
06.05.09 at 9:55 am
Animal Mother
You can run across rice paper without tearing it, you can snatch the pebble from my hand before I close it, but you can’t beat off without choking yourself? Master would be very disappointed in you Grasshopper.
06.05.09 at 9:25 am
Otto Man
Personally, I can’t think of ANY experience that could be made significantly better by choking myself to the point of unconsciousness.
You’ve never had to sit through “The Hills”? I’d deep throat a Glock to get out of that nightmare.
06.05.09 at 8:53 am
Tracer Bullet
“The days of geezers looking to pick up a paycheck are over.”
Not so long as Al Davis drinks the blood of innocents to satiate his unholy hunger.
As for Carradine, I’m all about new sexual experiences, but is jerking off the kind of thing that really needs to be improved upon? Especially if it means dying with your dick in your hand and come on your shoes? I mean, there have been times when I rubbed one out and the orgasm was less than earth-shattering, but I never said to myself, “This was okay, but it would be so much better if I choked myself to the point of unconsciousness.” Personally, I can’t think of ANY experience that could be made significantly better by choking myself to the point of unconsciousness.
06.05.09 at 8:23 am
porky1
Although there are certainly more dignified ways to go, we can say this…he died doing what he loved.
/better this way than senile and diapered 10 years from now
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/pk-favre-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/tebow-centaur-elway-150x150.jpg)
Peter King will go out listening to old voicemails.
Good correction, Abbott. Personally, I think strange ‘bating would be a great way to go out.
Not as good as the choose-your-own-death scenario in The Meaning of Life, where the guy gets chased off a cliff by topless rollerskating babes, but it’s close.
…missed my “l” ….stranglebatin’
I think strangebatin’ is a fairly punk rock way to go out.
I give it a “Fuck Yeah”.
Soooo… did the guy with the skanky sister-in-law from yesterday’s mailbag email her picture yet?
I hope I’m even still bothering to jack off when I’m 72.
But, yeah, crappy way to go out. Let’s all agree to pretend that he accidentally gave his penis the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
I really hope this David Carradine “gasper” shit isn’t true. I mean, if you’re a rich and well-connected actor staying in luxury hotel in Bangkok (of all places) and you get the urge, you’re already signed up for the Pussy On Demand package. You don’t have to settle for a new way of jacking off the way Australian pop singers do.
@Otto Man: agreed. I would add to the list “The Hills” spin-off “The City” and any of those Bravo shows (“Real Housewives” series, “Millionaire Matchmaker”, etc.) besides the cooking one with Padma Lakshmi. Come to think of it, having seen enough of the latest Real World and the other crap on MTV (“Paris Hilton’s BFF”, “From Gs to Gents”, that shitshow with Diddy, etc.), I’d put the whole MTV lineup on the list.
HARF HARF HARF BEN LIKES THE RING. SUGAR CRYSTALS WITH THE CHOCO TACO WAS GOOD. THE BEN ATE LIKE 20 OF THEM. HARF HARF HARF
You can run across rice paper without tearing it, you can snatch the pebble from my hand before I close it, but you can’t beat off without choking yourself? Master would be very disappointed in you Grasshopper.
Personally, I can’t think of ANY experience that could be made significantly better by choking myself to the point of unconsciousness.
You’ve never had to sit through “The Hills”? I’d deep throat a Glock to get out of that nightmare.
“The days of geezers looking to pick up a paycheck are over.”
Not so long as Al Davis drinks the blood of innocents to satiate his unholy hunger.
As for Carradine, I’m all about new sexual experiences, but is jerking off the kind of thing that really needs to be improved upon? Especially if it means dying with your dick in your hand and come on your shoes? I mean, there have been times when I rubbed one out and the orgasm was less than earth-shattering, but I never said to myself, “This was okay, but it would be so much better if I choked myself to the point of unconsciousness.” Personally, I can’t think of ANY experience that could be made significantly better by choking myself to the point of unconsciousness.
Although there are certainly more dignified ways to go, we can say this…he died doing what he loved.
/better this way than senile and diapered 10 years from now