Peter King: Bringer Of Light, Follower Of Signs, Secret Beatle
When we last left record-setting piece of saltwater douchetaffy Peter King, he was celebrating 20 years of bitching about airport auto flushes, droning on and on about a college baseball game you don’t care about, and comparing the unparalleled experience of traveling through Italy to the inside of a Peet’s. No doubt hanging out in Panera is JUST like holding court in a Parisian boulangerie.
But this week, we have an MMQB column that is filled to the brim with pure douchosity. It’s a mammoth douching, as if a meteor made of vinegar crashed into the Black Sea. Let’s splash right in…
Four weeks from Fourth of July weekend, I’m whistling a patriotic tune this morning…
And why not? NO ONE MAKES ESPRESSO LIKE OUR CHAIN STORES. Suck it, other countries.
…and alerting our men and women overseas you’re about to have some interesting visitors.
The Whiteleys!
There’s more today — including my thoughts on Brett Favre (who is going to have his own network, website and galaxy before his career’s over).
He’s gonna have his own website? That’s crazy talk. Only true media titans have their own website.
I’ve got Rodney Harrison as unplugged as he can get…
He’ll be choking you accapella.
…the motivation of NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith, the eye-rolling in New Orleans over Jeremy Shockey and an update on your favorite college southpaw, Austin Wood, the Texas reliever who threw 13 shutout innings last week.
No, he’s not my favorite college southpaw. I don’t have a favorite college southpaw. For that is not football-related, you see. Now, I know he’s your hero, Peter. But then again, you change heroes about six times a day. “Roger Cantrell is my hero. What an amazing gesture, to let me cut in the line at Potbelly like that. I owe you big time, Raj.”
We’ll start by waving the flag.
“I give up on providing you with useful information!”
Later this month, three Super Bowl-winning coaches from this decade — Tom Coughlin (Giants), Bill Cowher (Steelers) and Jon Gruden (Bucs) — will join one AFC Championship coach, Tennessee’s Jeff Fisher, and the AFC Championship runnerup last year, Baltimore’s John Harbaugh, in traveling to the Persian Gulf to visit our troops.
Coughlin and Cowher? So our troops will get yelled at and spat on? Sounds like just another day in Fallujah. HEY-O!!!!
You can bet Coughlin, at some base in Iraq or Afghanistan, will tell a room full of soldiers the story of David Tyree, the last receiver on the roster, who caught four passes in the first 18 games of the 2007 season, and then, because of injuries, stepped up to catch four in the Super Bowl upset of New England. Including the helmet catch, of course.
It’s a shocking, incredible story, especially when you’ve been deeply familiar with it for over a year.
My advice to the five coaches: Get ready to sign 750 autographs a day, minimum, and pose for 300 pictures a day, minimum.
That’s what I had to do. MARINES LOVE THE KING.
Get ready to fall into an exhausted sleep every night and never get more than five hours of it, because there will always be more people to see and bases to visit. In the Persian Gulf, you’ll be like the Beatles were in New York in 1964 … without the shrieking girls.
And so now you know. Peter King was, indeed, the fifth Beatle.
John, Paul. George, Ringo, and Kingo. Actually, given his ass, he made it five and half Beatles.
His most notable contribution to the group was writing the song “Help!” while stuck in traffic on I-95. Some other fun facts about his tenure: “Eleanor Rigby” was actually titled “Eleanor Bowers,” Sgt. Pepper was originally titled “Sgt. Nutmeg,” and if you play the White Album backwards, you can hear King bitching out Sir George Martin about letting the Kit Kats in the studio get too melty. He quit the band, though, over a “no coffee flavored-water” provision he demanded in the group’s tour rider, and demanding the group sound more like “that Coldplay band”.
The meaning of the Brett Favre surgery — per an ESPN report last night claiming he had his damaged right biceps tendon repaired recently by detaching it — is simple: The man wants to play football for the Vikings, and they Vikings have obviously given him enough of an indication that if he’s healthy and ready to throw full-throttle by early July that they’ll be interested in signing him. My guess is Favre had the surgery 10 to 12 days ago.
But that’s just a gut feeling. Could be right. Could be wildly wrong. Probably wildly wrong. Might have been a hernia surgery performed on a small beaver. If Brett had his own galaxy, it wouldn’t be so hard to obtain this information.
Sirius NFL “Opening Drive” host Bob Papa and I had the newest NFL retiree on the air Friday, and if you know Rodney Harrison, you know holds were not barred.
Nor chokes, nor testicle grabs, nor tongue bites…
On how some critics see him being imported to be Mr. Rip Job:
Wait a moment. Are you suggesting there are people out there bitching that Rodney Harrison might be critical of players on air? Is this a rampant problem among NFL analysts? I would like to meet the critic that said that. Was it Earl Dittman of Wireless Magazine?
”I’m not about that. I played for a long time. I know the other side, the players’ families, their moms, their kids, their wives. I’m not there to be critical of players as my sole purpose.”
Phew! That’s a relief. We’d hate to see that happen!
On whether he belongs in the Hall of Fame:
Oh, I bet he says no.
“Yes, I think I belong in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.”
Whoa! He totally had a much higher opinion of himself than I anticipated!
On his reputation as a dirty player: “This is football in the National Football League.”
Yep. He’s ready to be an analyst for NBC all right.
“Football now is turning into a soft, pansy sport. This is not volleyball! This is not tennis!”
You mean that yellow line I see on the screen isn’t a net? Well, now I have to rethink the whole goddamn sport.
If you were Harrison, wouldn’t you be a little bitter about a system that kept you out of Pro Bowls when you clearly deserved to be in them?
No. Fuck that guy.
Hope Seattle is not waiting for Ryan Rowland-Smith to solve the holes in its starting rotation.
They need Austin Wood!
Here is his pitching line for Triple-A Tacoma Friday night in the Rainiers’ Pacific Coast League 21-5 loss to Reno:
Because one game is all the sample size you need to know if a baseball player is good or not. We call this “Morgan’s Law.”
Baseball Stat of the Week II
Cruel game. Game of redemption.
Lofty game.
Really cruel game. That was baseball for Daniel Schlereth, the son of Super Bowl guard and ESPN football analyst Mark Schlereth, in the past week.
He failed? How marvelous.
Double-ouch, from the Tweet of SI baseball writer Jon Heyman: “Daniel Schlereth should not be pitching in the big leagues now, much less in a big spot.”
If son is as tough as father, he’ll survive.
BUT ONLY IF HE PAYS ME BACK FOR THE MEAL I BOUGHT HIM AT CAPITAL GRILLE, DAMMIT. THAT WAS DONNIE BANKS’ QUESADILLA AND YOU SCHLERETHS KNOW IT!
The Philadelphia Eagles will make the instant-news world we live in very happy this summer. They’re installing a Blogging Trailer adjacent to the training camp practice fields at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pa., for use during and immediately after practice for bloggers covering camp and for beat guys filing to instant-news blogs.
I’m very big on the whole immediacy of coverage, but I hope this summer, as I make my rounds, I see that there’s still something left for the daily papers — some more in-depth stuff.
“You guys! Save some of that news for the papers! C’mon, guys! If the Boston Globe fails because it’s never had a solid business model, that’s on your conscience!”
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Ooh boy.
/pops Xanax
Okay, I’m ready.
On Wednesday, I had a 6:03 a.m. flight from Providence to Detroit; Northwest to Detroit cheaper from Providence than Boston, or at least it was for this flight. I left Boston at 4:05 a.m. for the 53-mile drive to the airport in Providence.
Drive? Why didn’t you walk, Mr. Fancy Feet?
Not being all that familiar with the drive, I did what anyone would do — followed the signs on the highway for T.F. Green Airport, figuring it would be the shortest route.
Are you insane? What moron drives to an unfamiliar destination blindly assuming the highway signs will magically offer him the best route?
From I-95 north of Providence, I got on I-295 south.
“Well now, they-ahs yar farst fackin’ mistake.”
/every bossy New England direction giver ever
And drove. And drove… and got back onto I-95 south of Providence for the final couple of miles to the airport. I couldn’t believe it — 65 miles. Seemed way too long. Got to the airport at 5:18, and if you’ve flown from Providence, you know it has the longest rush-hour security lines on the East Coast.
I made the flight, but I went on Mapquest later in the day and looked at the route.
So for you kids out there reading, make sure you follow Peter’s advice of obtaining directions to your chosen destination AFTER you’ve driven there. It’s always the best way to do it.
Mapquest would have had me go straight down I-95 all the way.
Then it would have included the 50 feet you drove on the exit ramp as a separate direction item, completely fucking with your head.
So I’m an idiot for not looking at a map before I left home.
Sure are!
I just figured if a sign on an interstate highway tells me to take I-295 to get to the airport, it wouldn’t be taking me 12 miles out of my way to get there.
Again, are you fucking insane? You’re relying in highway signs to provide you with an efficient route? Who does this? Highway signs are about as useful as your column.
Let’s say I’m not the only idiot out here who trusts the highway signs north of Providence.
No. You are.
There have to be a few people every day who actually read the signs and heed on the Interstate Highway System.
No. There aren’t.
Let’s say there are 200 a day who do what the United States Department of Transportation is telling them — get off this road, take the freeway circling the town, and drive 14 miles further to get to your destination.
“Let’s just invent an arbitrary statistical model that means nothing, so that I can justify my own idiocy.”
Wouldn’t the federal government, trying to get us to drive less and emit fewer pollutants into the air, be interested in knowing that scores of cars in Rhode Island are driving more miles than they need to? Let’s say it’s 200; it might be 50, it might be 500.
IT’S ONE.
But if 200 cars follow the route the highway planners tell them to follow, then cars are driving 2,400 more miles per day than they have to.
At 5 in the morning, that’s a pretty aggravating travel note.
HOLY SHIT. You goddamn jellydick. BUY A FUCKING ATLAS. This is why maps and Google Maps and MapQuest exist: so that you can plan the best, fastest route, instead of blindly going wherever the fuck the signs point and then demanding the entire fucking highway infrastructure of a state be rejiggered because you were too lazy to consult a website for three seconds.
Tweet of the Week
Peyton_Manning, with 11,043 followers as of Sunday, discusses mostly vanilla Colt-related news, but implied the Colts were taking Florida’s Percy Harvin in the draft.
Droppinadeuce, with “Peyton Manning” the author, has a grand total of seven followers and discusses bodily functions mostly.
And the Lakers it would inexplicably seem. I’ll give Droppinadeuce points for the screen handle, though.
Last week, Manning sent me this e-mail…
Was it Manning, or was it Droppinadeuce??!! He could have gotten to YOU!
“Peter, wondering if you could do me a favor. This twitter, facebook, myspace is a problem for guys like me, Eli [Manning], (see about Ben R. and Cutler). Eli and I do not have a twitter or facebook or myspace account or page. Yet there are imposters out there acting like us. The people at twitter and facebook can’t stop it. Our representatives contact them, and they may take it down for a day, but then it pops back up. If you could put something in your MMQB that these pages for me and Eli are not real, it would be a big help…
Because if there’s anyone out there who actually believes Peyton Manning has a Twitter feed called Droppinadeuce, it’s a Peter King fan.
”The more people that know that these are phonies, the better for me, Eli, and whoever. It’s just unbelievable that someone could do this and the people at twitter and facebook can allow it. Who knows what these people are posting on the pages is the scary thing.”
Oooh, so scary! They could post stuff about poop! Or worse, plans to poison the world’s reservoirs! AND PEYTON MANNING WOULD GET THE BLAME! In the wrong hands, these clearly phony Twitter feeds could spell our doom.
”Anything you can do to bring light to it would be great. Thanks, PM.”
Consider light brought.
Peter King: Bringer Of Light.
I think the reason Ralph Wilson chose Chris Berman to introduce him for induction to the Pro Football Hall of Fame is simple: He likes Berman a lot…
Well, fuck him in the high-waisted pants, then.
…and Wilson’s not close to people in the league. He’s mostly a loner in league circles. That’s neither a criticism of Wilson nor his peers.
There’s not a single owner he’s tight with. The only owner he speaks with on any regular basis is Al Davis; they speak about once a month, and not very often about football.
Mostly, they discuss embalming fluids.
In the days when the Bills were the lowest team in the league, Berman always boosted the team.
And isn’t that what any good anchor does: single out one team for special treatment?
You can judge whether a TV host should be rooting for a team…
I will. It’s a glaring conflict of interest and completely inappropriate. And it’s why I hope Berman dies in a boating accident. In fact, he’ll be subject to a separate rant later in the week.
…but regardless, Wilson, Marv Levy, Bill Polian and Jim Kelly loved him for it. The Berman pick didn’t surprise me in the least.
Again, this is bullshit.
One assistant (coach) who is not allowed to speak with the media on the record told me he was in the office twice past 7 p.m. (during OTA time) last week. To me, in the first week of June, it’s way over the top. I’ve heard Cleveland coaches are in the office much later than that, regularly.
That’s because, if Mangini stay in the office past 8, the team pays for his lo mein.
I think I’d like to take this space to wish Jason LaCanfora, ex of the Washington Post, good luck in his new gig as information man for NFL Network. The network got a good man. LaCanfora’s a worker bee with a good presence.
Plus he talks about the Red Sox all the fucking time, and I adore that in an NFL reporter.
Now, competing against who he’ll have to compete with as a first-year TV guy … that’s going to be rough, and rough might be an understatement.
In Sunday pre-game land, Jason’s going head-to-head with Chris Mortensen and Adam Schefter, who I assume will be on the Sunday morning show (and the rest of the Clayton/Werder/Paolantonio/Nichols team), and then there’s scoopman Jay Glazer at FOX, who drops a bomb every week. And I haven’t even mentioned Charlie Casserly and his enlightened spot on CBS.
“Those guys are all WAY better than the shithead info man NBC uses!”
I think Matt Millen might be getting cold feet about the Thursday night NFL Network gig.
Well, we’d hate for him to overextend himself.
I think, not to over-write TV, one of my pet peeves over the last couple of years has been how the football and media world is obsessed about how many people NBC uses on its Sunday night “Football Night in America” show.
I think you’re wrong. I don’t see how putting Droppinadeuce on the set enhances the show at all.
Obviously, I’ve been a part of the team for the past three years, so I’m the least partial person to comment here.
But let me comment on it!
(We) Varied between five and seven for the 75-minute show. But when it was seven, I’d bet numbers five through seven — me, Tiki Barber, Jerome Bettis — took a total of six or seven of the 75 minutes.
So why fucking have them? Don’t you see that’s why people find it asinine to have so many analysts? You have three anchors when you only need one. You have four or five analysts when you only need zero. That’s why people hate it.
Did we have more bodies on the set? Not more than FOX, if you count Caliendo and (Jillian) Reynolds…
I don’t. Of course, you are about as useful to NBC’s telecast as those two are to FOX’s.
…and assuming Schefter joins the ESPN set, ESPN will have the same number. If NBC was overloaded, why aren’t those shows overloaded, too?
THEY FUCKING ARE.
I think if I were a boss in the media — TV, website, radio — I’d look long and hard at giving Bill Kuharich a job for the fall.
Okay. Smart fellow, you claim?
Regarding JaMarcus Russell, he said: “You can’t live up to the billing of being the number one pick in the draft…”
Um, yes you can.
”…But I see him growing. Very physical, very strong arm, and his accuracy is improving. I see him learning to manage the game better. I don’t know if he’ll ever be in the Dan Marino category, but he’ll be a good, functioning NFL quarterback.”
I think if I were a boss in the media — TV, website, radio — I’d look long and hard at never hiring Bill Kuharich for anything ever. Not even for a position in wardrobe.
If there’s a better song playing on the planet right now than “Breathe” by U2, I’d like to hear it.
You can. Simply by walking into any department store elevator.
Jimmy Johnson has been and always will be an open book. But Dan Le Batard wrote such an insightful piece about him in the Miami Herald Sunday that I’m now thinking, Do I really know the man?
Better check your voice mails.
Congratulations, “North By Northwest,” one of my three favorite movies of all time. You’re 50 this summer.
So we’ve had Peter use his column to send personal messages to unknown friends, entire networks, and Sibling Rivalry. And now, here he is, talking to a film. It’s a movie, Peter. It’s can’t fucking read.
A few of you, through e-mail and by Tweet, have asked me to move up my Father’s Day book review column from next Monday to sometime this week.
Ricklawson69 can’t wait another day longer!
Coffeenerdness: Had the closest-to-espresso coffee ice cream I’ve ever tasted the other night at Picco on Tremont Street in Boston’s South End. I’ll be back early and often for that one.
Good to know. Be sure to follow the highway signs to get there!
I’m thinking about a Monday Morning Quarterback/Twitter-follower gathering somewhere on the road in America during training camp this summer. The question is where. Albany? Bethlehem? Latrobe? Berea/Canton? Bourbonnais? Green Bay? River Falls? Terre Haute? Mankato? Denver?
Readership of KSK: I know we ask much of you, what with the sexy mailbags and all. And I know it’s our job, and our job alone, here to keep YOU entertained while you’re here. But I ask one simple favor. Wherever this event takes place, GO. Bring a camera. I will send you a list of questions to annoy Peter with if you need it. But, please, GO. I’ll MapQuest directions to it for you personally. You’ll be a hero. An icon. You might even get your own website one day.
Herschel Walker said the other day on our radio gig that he’s making his MMA fighting debut in November. “I told them I don’t want to fight a bum. I want to fight a contender,” he said.
That’s not fair to his opponent! It would be one against five!
Friday night, Fenway Park, fog and mist rolling over the right-field stands, top of the Prudential Center cut off, 56 degrees according to the Weather Channel, and I can see my breath. June 5 in New England. You’ve got to love it, I guess.
Serves you right for leaving the bucolic paradise that is Montclair, you fat bastard.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, good for you droppinadeuce, insane ways to plan a trip, lucy in the sky with kit kats, NBN is a great movie though, photoshop by Ape
June 8th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Haven’t even read the post yet, but after reading PK this week, I’m willing to guess this is the best one yet.
It was, to put it mildly, a target rich environment.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Isn’t there a bit of Droppinadeuce inside all of us?
June 8th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Jellydick….Im gonna have to steal that one
June 8th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Painful, just painful. “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?” You can use Mapquest to find his home…
June 8th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Congratulations, “North By Northwest,” one of my three favorite movies of all time. You’re 50 this summer.
North by Northwest is directed by Alfred Hitchcock, starring Cary Grant, Eva Marie Saint and James Mason. Not only can’t the film appreciate your sentiment, but everyone involved with its making is cold and in the ground. I bet there aren’t fifty movie ushers who remember working while North by Northwest was playing, you ignoramus.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
So we’ve had Peter use his column to send personal messages to unknown friends, entire networks, and Sibling Rivalry.
You forgot the dog. Where can he go from here besides abstract nouns?
“You’re a hero, democracy. You can do better, purple.”
June 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Dumpster Baby Boomer Says:
Isn’t there a bit of Droppinadeuce inside all of us?
I dropped my deuce earlier so that’d be a negative
June 8th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
The whole fact that he has a “non-football related section” then has almost an entire page dedicated to two seperate baseball stories prior to this section…then mentions Jimmy Johnson in the non-football section…I need a padded room with some rainforest music to calm myself the fluck down…and 30 pounds of good H
June 8th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
“So we’ve had Peter use his column to send personal messages to unknown friends, entire networks, and Sibling Rivalry. And now, here he is, talking to a film. It’s a movie, Peter. It’s can’t fucking read.”
But they can have birthdays!
June 8th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The NFL is going to support the troops by sending a bunch of coaches over there? Note to NFL: next time send cheerleaders.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Isn’t there a bit of Droppinadeuce inside all of us?
Not anymore!
*hits fan*
June 8th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I’ll agree to go to PK’s proposed gathering if its in the NY/NJ area and you guys agree to get together a bail fund for me since I would inevitably assault this fat shit and attempt to set things right in the world…
June 8th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
“Herschel Walker said the other day on our radio gig that he’s making his MMA fighting debut in November. “I told them I don’t want to fight a bum. I want to fight a contender,” he said.”
When did MMA get a Royal Rumble?
June 8th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Congratulations, “North By Northwest,” one of my three favorite movies of all time. You’re 50 this summer.
“I got you a cake with a stripper in it!”
June 8th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
With that haircut he looks like Blagojevich. You’d think layering on douchebag over a pre-existing douchebag might cancel things out. Not this time.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
You had me at “Mammoth douching”
June 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Looks like KINGLAZERFACE is gonna have to take down his CUTLERFUCKER twitter.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
WHAT HAPPENED TO JACK BOWERS? DAMMIT PETER, IS HE OKAY???
June 8th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Peter King: Bringer of Light. New fantasy team name.
Either that, or Goddamn Jellydick.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
If you were Harrison, wouldn’t you be a little bitter about a system that kept you out of Pro Bowls when you clearly deserved to be in them?
No. But I’ll tell you what, I WOULD be bitter if I was a college defensive back who stayed clean and didn’t get a shot at the NFL (and the millions that come with it) while douchebags like Harrison took PEDs and cheated their way to the top.
I WOULD be bitter if I was the greatest WR who ever lived, and I played the game with class and dignity, and a shitstain like Harrison almost ended my amazing career with a helmet-to-helmet hit.
I WOULD be bitter if I was a recently retired NFL player with a distinguished career who played the game right without cheating or taking cheap shots, and as a result of my good behavior NBC doesn’t think I’m interesting enough to hand me a microphone and point a television camera at me.
I WOULD be bitter if I was one of the hundreds of baseball players who used PEDs in the late 1990s when my sport didn’t even ban them, but now I have to suffer with the stigma of being considered a “cheater” the rest of my life while double-standard retard media members like Peter King praise the likes of Rodney Harrison.
Seriously, Peter- FUCK YOU for being such a whore and a corporate shill that you apologize for this piece of shit doucebag cheater simply because NBC told you that you have to share the screen with him.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
This overpaid dipshit doesn’t have a GPS. A wonder he doesn’t drive into abutments. We can hope.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
If he goes to Bourbonnais, I am all over that shit.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Peter King: Bringer Of Light.
Peter King is Lucifer? It’s always the ones you least expect.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
this week in MMQB: peter learns that I-95 has bypasses that take you around cities, rather than through them, to avoid potential heavy local traffic and avoid congestion.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I wonder if North By Northwest knows Braveheart.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Well, I have to apologize to the readership…I was at the Sox game Friday, unfortunately I didn’t know PK was there and, therefore, couldn’t throw his ass out of a luxury box. Alas, another opportunity slips through the cracks.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
cant we get a spoiler alert, now i know that Berman is gonna be the This week in Fuck You.
/cant wait
June 8th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
@FozzieBear +1
June 8th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
i have nothing better to do than follow pk all summer
it’ll be like following the dead…. but twice as stupid
June 8th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Sure, Pete. C’mon through Lehigh. We got sumthin’ for ya’.
Sumthin=spiked bat.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I am shocked, SHOCKED, that this insufferable piece of shit loves U2.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I prefer to think of Senor King as a piece of douchewater taffy. …
June 8th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
“I’ll MapQuest directions to it for you personally. You’ll be a hero.”
That is not the way of the King. Make them use highway signs.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I will join MiamiDiesel in whatever NY/NJ stop the “Peter King Retarded Caravan of Retards” makes.
The whole thing with the highways and getting lost, I honestly thought Drew was fucking with us. I mean, I was thinking nobody could be that stupid. But no, it’s true. It’s true. Unbelievably true. My head hurts. I need a drink.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
“The Berman pick didn’t surprise me in the least”
So, is Wilbon helping PK write these now? As if I needed another reason not to read them.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
“We call this “Morgan’s Law.” ”
A tear-down post that includes a Joe Morgan reference. How very meta of you.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
So let me get this strait. This assmonger makes millions of dollars a year. Instead of flying from boston which is 10 minutes from him, he decides to drive 65 miles to save money on the flight? And he doesn’t have a fucking GPS?
June 8th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
If Brett had his own galaxy, it still wouldn’t be enough land.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
After wishing “North by Northwest” a happy birthday, he then proceeding to pen the following letter:
“Dear Die Hard. You rock. Especially when that guy was on the roof. P.S: Do you know Mad Max?”
June 8th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Duh, everyone knows that Kingo was the fifth beatle. Who do you think penned such Beatles classics as “I Will Follow the Sun”, “Here Comes the Sun”, and my personal favorite, “Sun King”.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
In his defense, “North By Northwest” is a great, great movie.
On the other hand, Peter is still a numnutted moron.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
So let me get this strait. This assmonger makes millions of dollars a year. Instead of flying from boston which is 10 minutes from him, he decides to drive 65 miles to save money on the flight?
Peter King’s carbon footprint is nearly as big as his assprint.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
That Ralph Wilson, doesn’t talk to anyone. Except Dr. Z, they have some sort of stroke/old man brain connection. In fact Wilson isn’t even allowed to leave the home after 11am. Also, he wears tissue boxes on his feet. Lofty feet.
Makes Howard Hughes look like the god damn Prince of Siam.
I’m sure Buffalo hasn’t suffered enough. Why not just replay the kick?
And really North by Northwest? Are you fucking serious? HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE A JOB WHEN NOTHING YOU MENTION IS RELEVANT?
Make sure you read next week when Peter reviews this whole Hula Hoop craze. ‘I swear for the first 2 days I thought it was a belt.’
June 8th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
“I will. It’s a glaring conflict of interest and completely inappropriate. And it’s why I hope Berman dies in a boating accident. In fact, he’ll be subject to a separate rant later in the week.”
I am already looking forward to “This Week in F–k You”
June 8th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
“Consider light brought.”
I mean really, shouldn’t he be hit in the face with a 2×4 for typing that sentence?
June 8th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Dear PK,
I don’t give a fuck about your prefacing everything with “now this is just my opinion and I’m not qualified to comment on it and don’t hold me to it if it’s wrong, but I just have this feeling” and then attempting to predict the future or read someone’s mind or other ways that you try to disguise pure fucking speculation as journalism.
I do not care about your text message exchanges with vanilla athletes that can’t say anything interesting b/c of “journalists” like you speculating on what the fuck they mean, what it might mean for their teammates, what it might mean for the future, etc.
That being said, please continue to write a weekly column of uninformed bullshit. You are my barometer for mental health. If any items in your column make me stop and think “that makes sense” then I know my end is probably near.
/believes the first half hour of Idiocracy is slowly coming to fruition
June 8th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I can handle Albany. But I really think there will need to be the equivalent of combat pay, or whatever you pay people to live on an oil rig. It is going to be that nasty.
And I know men never ask for directions, but each time I have moved to a new area, I generally chat with people on what the best traffic patterns are. As well as by maps, and use the internet. Oh shit me not, PK, you are beyond doubt the dumbest asshat in print.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I’ll see PK when he makes his Orange County stop. Presumably, he will not be staying at the Laguna Marriott.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
“Douchetaffy” is a wonderful word and I have to figure out how to use it in a conversation one day.
Also, this:
“John, Paul. George, Ringo, and Kingo. Actually, given his ass, he made it five and half Beatles.
His most notable contribution to the group was writing the song “Help!” while stuck in traffic on I-95. Some other fun facts about his tenure: “Eleanor Rigby” was actually titled “Eleanor Bowers,” Sgt. Pepper was originally titled “Sgt. Nutmeg,” and if you play the White Album backwards, you can hear King bitching out Sir George Martin about letting the Kit Kats in the studio get too melty. He quit the band, though, over a “no coffee flavored-water” provision he demanded in the group’s tour rider, and demanding the group sound more like “that Coldplay band”.”
This right here is epic.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Must have missed the Peyton Manning e-mail the first time. Manning ably demonstrates the difference between football-smart and smart.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Haha I would go to the PK Twitter-follower gathering if it’s in the Chicago-area.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“Aggravating Travel Note of the Week”
WTF!!! Let me get this straight, this ASSBAG spends several paragraphs in a national football column bitching about highway signs to the airport?
But, YOU MADE YOUR FUCKING FLIGHT!!!! So what’s the problem – that you had to drive an extra 12 miles??? That’s it – that’s the extent of your problem: an extra 12 miles? And that’s worth a bitchy rant in a NATIONAL FOOTBALL COLUMN.
It is almost inconceivable that any one human being could be more pampered and myopic. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I just want to go open my wrists.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
If PK picks Latrobe, I’m totally in. What a freak show that would be!
June 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
So he complains about the polluting that an extra 12 miles in a car produces when he voluntarily wanted to drive 45 more miles than he needed?
June 8th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
If he goes to Berea (and I’m sure he will–he’s raved about the Browns cafeteria in the past) I’ll go.
June 8th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
“Let’s say there are 200 a day who do what the United States Department of Transportation is telling them — get off this road, take the freeway circling the town, and drive 14 miles further to get to your destination.”
“But if 200 cars follow the route the highway planners tell them to follow, then cars are driving 2,400 more miles per day than they have to.”
This is either a Math Fail or a Continuity Within My Hypothetical Fail. Either way, fuck him.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
“Charlie Casserly and his enlightened spot on CBS”
The enlightened man that took and expansion franchise set it back 10 years?
June 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
On Wednesday, I had a 6:03 a.m. flight from Providence to Detroit; Northwest to Detroit cheaper from Providence than Boston, or at least it was for this flight. I left Boston at 4:05 a.m. for the 53-mile drive to the airport in Providence. Not being all that familiar with the drive, I did what anyone would do — followed the signs on the highway for T.F. Green Airport, figuring it would be the shortest route… So I’m an idiot for not looking at a map before I left home.
How did he know the distance from his home to the Providence airport without looking at a map? You are a goddamn liar, Peter King.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
“Let’s go back to the 2003 season, when Harrison led the Super Bowl champion Patriots in tackles in the regular season and postseason. He had 140 regular-season tackles and three interceptions; I voted him my defensive player of the year in the NFL. Lynch had 58 tackles and one pick, Polamalu 88 tackles and five picks, Reed 66 tackles and eight picks.”
Yeah… 6 out of 8 of those 2003 tackle/interception regular season totals are wrong. Unless Peter has his own system for counting those stats.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Peter King = Bringer of Light = Sun
Respect the sun = respect Peter King?
It all comes full fuckin’ circle, man.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
devin hester’s speech coach Says:
June 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
“I am shocked, SHOCKED, that this insufferable piece of shit loves U2.”
I had him pegged as an ABBA fan.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
(facepalm) Peter King is a goddam retard.
I’d consider heckling him if he comes to the Dallas area, but I’m pretty sure the Cowboys training camp is in Wichita Falls, and there’s no way I’m driving up to that hellhole. Sorry.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
its almost come to the point that i can no longer read this feature on this site. PK is just such a pretentious asshole that it just disappoints me that there are people in this world that are like him and that there are actually people that sit and read and enjoy this pile of bullshit. This asshole is really just too much for me sometimes.
A fat asshole can make boatloads of money by writing a terrible article every week about a subject that he really has only basic knowledge of. What a country.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
“…You’ll be a hero. An icon. You might even get your own website one day.”
You mean, one day I can be a media titan?
June 8th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
@COME ON: I, too, am quivering with anticipation over the coming “Fuck Berman” piece. That asshelmet has been a parody of himself for at least as long as Madden, and his constant hard-on for the Bills and 49ers was never cute. It was, and is, fucking annoying and unprofessional. Fuck him.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
If this tweetup happens in denver, i volunteer to go and video tape the whole damn thing. I will even get king to autograph an authentic brett favre minnesota vikings jersey wich i will hang next to my jerry rice broncos jersey . . .
June 8th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
In the unlikely event that PK picks the Falcons training camp for the Gathering of Retards, I would be honored to attend, film and ask as many KSK-authored annoying questions as I can before they throw me out. I always thought that I could do better than Stuttering John.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Looks like Bear fans are well represented here, but I’d still be up for a trip down to Bourbonnais to heckle PK. I’m not sure I can even get my mind around how douche-tastic the event would be. Well worth documenting for posterity, I’m sure.
Besides, I think that “Duke of Awesome” and I might need to duel over the Duchy of Soldier Field…
June 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
i laughed so hysterically at the title of this post i started coughing. true story! the rest did not disappoint. another bravura performance, BDB
“Might have been a hernia surgery performed on a small beaver.” there’s a Brenda Warner joke in there somewhere but i just can’t quite pull it together . . .
June 8th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I live in Philly. If PK decides to go to Lehigh, I will be there. Hell, my girlfriend lives in Bethlehem anyway. I’ll have a PETER KING DOES NOT RESPECT THE SUN sign.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Also: Daniel Schlereth has allowed 5 earned runs in 3.1 innings pitched, for a cool 10.8 ERA. Is Mark Schlereth dead yet?
June 8th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Who the fuck doesn’t know that I-295, I-495…etc. bypass congested cities, so will of course be more miles. In what parallel universe can you loop around a city AND have it be the same number of miles? I understand traffic and roadways, like chemistry, are unknowable and ethereal concepts, but I can just see some civil engineer having a conniption fit after reading that ignorance-laced rant.
Also, lets just change every road sign to conform to Peter’s most travelled to destinations. Wherever Peter is in the country signs should list:
Montclair 800mi
Hattiesburg 1000mi
South End Buttery 750mi
June 8th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Fozzie Bear +1
Let’s say there are 200 a day who do what the United States Department of Transportation is telling them — get off this road, take the freeway circling the town, and drive 14 miles further to get to your destination.
That is 200 less cars clogging traffic into downtown Providence that don’t need to be there since they are going to the fucking airport outside of downtown Providence. If your flight was at 8:30 a.m. you would have been happy you went around downtown. Idiot.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Dear Star Trek, you kicked ass. I totally like how there was a lot of inter-species humping going on. Next time, show us some green tities. PS: Do you know Terminator? If so, say hello to John Conner for me.
If King comes to the North-west (I doubt it), as long as I’m in the country, I will go and ask any question you like.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
So now my question is, is it worth driving all the way to Terre Shithole to harass PK?
fuck it I’ll go to Bourbonnais instead.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I’m pretty sure this is a ripoff of this weekly column, but decent nontheless. While you focus more on King’s extracurricular drivel, this covers his embarassing football stupidity.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
whoops
http://tinyurl.com/nfbkda
June 8th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Dammit, people, we already know where he’s going to do his live light bringing…
Sidney, OH. Toone P. Wiggins. Spicy shrimp. Lofty shrimp.
Enrico will cover that shit for you.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
“North By Northwest,” you cannot read. This will not be read to you.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Ringo, McCartney, Kingo.
Congratulations, Mr. Ringo Starr, you are the most respectable and competent living Beatle. By far.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Slash, I’m petty sure the Cowboys camp is back in San Antonio this year. Would you consider driving down to that hellhole?
June 8th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
As always this was a fantastic post on the D-Bag known as Peter the Hutt or was it Jabba the King. I just want to slap the kit-kats out of his mouth.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
And it’s why I hope Berman dies in a boating accident.
With that fatass, you’re going to need a bigger boat.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
/buys FozzieBear a virtual beer
June 8th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
I can’t wait for that fucknut to go spilling military secrets on the radio again. GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU SELF IMPORTANT KNOW NOTHING DOUCHEBAG.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I can’t wait until he gets a GPS for fathers day and writes about it for weeks. It’ll happen.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Did anyone else notice that he compared Jon Gruden, Jeff Fischer, and John Harbaugh to John Unitas, Sam Huff, Frank Gifford and Willie Davis? I’ve often thought that the two NFL people I would most like to meet (alive or dead) are Chucky and Johnny Unitas. Unitas because he was one of the greatest QBs of all time, and Gruden because I want to hear the secrets of a 9-7 season.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
THE FUCK IS PETER KING TALKING ABOUT THE MARINERS FOR? HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW WHO HYPHON IS? LEAVE BASEBALL OUT OF IT YOU FAT FUCK.
June 8th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
If there’s a better song playing on the planet right now than “Breathe” by U2, I’d like to hear it.
Peter King is kind of like U2’s bass player Adam Clayton- a marginal talent who, through dumb luck, hitched his wagon to a star and became set for life. How hard can playing bass for U2 be? Adam Clayton is no Bootsie Collins, Larry Graham or James Jamerson- he’s a discount/irregular Nikki Sixx.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
okay – just throwing this out there, as an RI resident who has lived in boston…THAT’S HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE DAMN AIRPORT!
Don’t take 95, mapquest is wrong wrong wrong. You see, I-295 has a speed limit of 65 MPH and very little traffic, whereas I-95 has a speed limit in RI of 55 MPH and lots of traffic and, oh yeah, TAKES YOU THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF DOWNTOWN PROVIDENCE.
Seriously, there isn’t a person in the damn state who wouldn’t beg everyone travelling to the airport to take I-295 every damn time.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Youse guys know why he loves North By Northwest, dontcha? Because the title contains simple, easy-to-follow directions.
See you in Mankato! My Iphone-shot video of PK and Brett Favre steaming up the windows of a 1912 Packard deep in the hold of a Lake Minnetonka cruise will surely get me Jason LaCanfora’s job….
June 8th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Yeah Favre, you got something
That I can understand
Oh Brett, you are something
I wanna work the laaaaaand
I wanna work the land
I wanna work the land
June 8th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Thank gawd PK didn’t mention Cortland as a potential target — er, tweetup location.
Lay low, Jets fans. There’s a chance we may not have to read about coffee-flavored apples.
/points out that the signs on 95 are a state DOT function
June 8th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Christ- that bit about 295 was brutal….earth to dipshit, there’s no traffic at 4 in the morning so obviously the bypass road is going to take longer. Hope he tries going the ‘direct’ way during rush hour next time and ends up missing his flight to (insert random training camp town that no one gives a shit about).
Also Rodney Harrison should he the fackin hawl… no one denies this.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Rodney Harrison sez: ”I’m not about that. I played for a long time. I know the other side, the players’ families, their moms, their kids, their wives. I’m not there to be critical of players as my sole purpose.”
But getting in brutal cheap shots that could threaten the health and livelihoods of those players and possibly hurt their families in the process…I was totally cool with doing that.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:53 am
I can also probably make the trip to Latrobe.
June 9th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Wouldn’t avid driver and asshole extraordinaire Peter King grasp that when an interstate has a number in the 200s it’s a fucking bypass? Because if you’ve ever tried to drive through the middle of a fucking downtown at rush hour (and to the extent that Providence has a downtown, it’s right fucking there) you know that a bypass is a good idea, during rush hour.
What a fucking piece of shit he is. Also, I’m shocked that he thinks Providence has a bad airport security line. My god man. There’s like two fucking runways. there’s around 18 gates, many of which aren’t even in use. Where the hell does this lardtard fly?
June 9th, 2009 at 4:23 am
You can bet Coughlin, at some base in Iraq or Afghanistan, will tell a room full of soldiers the story of David Tyree, the last receiver on the roster, who caught four passes in the first 18 games of the 2007 season, and then, because of injuries, stepped up to catch four in the Super Bowl upset of New England. Including the helmet catch, of course.
Yes, PK, the soldiers will surely feel for poor millionaire Tyree and his mere pittance of 4 catches, while trying to not get shot or bombed in 120 degree heat.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Tice_Tice_Baby wins.
June 9th, 2009 at 9:58 am
If Favre signs, it will be Mankato without a doubt.
“Did you know that Minnesota has some lakes here? I personally saw some driving down I-35 while passing some pine trees.”
“Amazing.”
June 9th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
‘if you’ve flown from Providence, you know it has the longest rush-hour security lines on the East Coast.’
As someone who lives in Providence, all I have to say to Peter King is: No. Not. At. Motherfucking. All. You mean the aforementioned 18-gate, 1-terminal, NON-International Airport that is so bustling that they put it in Warwick? Logan is a mongolian clusterfuck and Providence can’t even have cross country flights because the runways aren’t long enough. Yet this supposedly bustling metropolitan airport is the focal point of airbound traffic in the northeast corridor? On the peak of all business flying days and times, a Wednesday predawn flight, 12 miles would REALLY slow him down in a state that is 45 minutes by 1 hour across driving.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Brett Favre (who is going to have his own network, website and galaxy before his career’s over)
No. No, he will not. You know why? Because in order to have those things, there have to be people interested in you, or interested in hearing what you have to say.
Other than you, fat fuck, NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE FUCKING LANDBARON.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I want to get Peter King on MY voicemail!
June 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I agree totally with Bill Kuharich’s comment. The Chargers are going to continue to go down. They never should have never fired Marty. The GM should have been fired. Bill Kuharich is going to help some team tremendously. He is a keen evaluator of talent. The list of great players he has brought into the NFL is in the hundreds.
As for the idiot who made a comment on U2’s Adam Clayton he is well……an idiot. Adam Clayton is a solid bassplayer. The bass line for New Years Day and many other U2 songs are timeless. Any great musician will always say It is not how accomplished one is as a player it is the ideas one comes up with. Be it two chords or 10 chords.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Tice_Tice_Baby +1