Eagle-eyed reader James sent along this winning picture of Giants RB Brandon Jacobs with a tasty piece of arm candy at a party two weeks ago.  I was wondering who the woman was, so I consulted some friends with extensive knowledge of the hip-hop celebrity party scene.  Their response:

“I think she’s what they call a groupie hoe.”

I certainly hope so, sir.  Cheers to you, and may you say your t-shirt’s slogan in the style of Napoleon Dynamite.  GOSH!

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“SMASH AND DASH” SMASHED, DASHED Chris Johnson put the kibosh on the tandem nickname he shares with LenWhale, because White got gravy stains all over it and stretched it out in the legs, leaving DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to lay claim to the moniker contention-free. LenWhale’s cool with it so long as Ben & Jerry and Harry & David keep their bonds tight.

In other news, some stupid baseball player is stealing The Ben’s mojo. NEXT THING YOU TELL THE BEN HE GOT NEW CALL OF DUTY MAP PACK ON XBOX LIVE AND CAN ALREADY PEW PEW PEW BETTER!

Just the thing you need to gonzo up your day is Marty B rap-rhapsodizing about his love for Cap’n Crunch, which is capped off with him cerealkkaking himself in the face. I’ve come to the conclusion that Martellus is a real life version of Big and is really a 9-year-old kid who went to a fortune telling machine and transformed in a full grown professional football player. Only he’s happy with the change and not interested in returning to his old life and having a proper childhood. Just think for a moment how close the Cowboys were to having Marty B., T.O. and Ocho on the same roster. They would created a strain of insanity that would a ripped a wormhole to another dimension where dinosaurs sing in barbershop quartets and women can drive well. That’s the Bay of Pigs close call of our lifetime.

As a side note: I don’t know what it is about bad amateur lyricists and the Cocoa Brovaz’ “Super Brooklyn” beat, but it’s like a match made in Awkward Heaven. Damn near every time I’ve been at a party or over at someone’s house and the itch to freestyle rap poorly is too overpowering, this is inevitably the beat those bars of white hot lyrical fire are laid over. I hope someday when our generation becomes the power brokers and we force our nostalgia on the youngins like the Baby Boomers did, this beat will be mandatory in any period piece about our era, like how you can’t set a movie in the ’60s without using “Green Onions” at some point.

We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…

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It’s been a little while since we picked on Josh McDaniels, so here ya go.  This is a tribute to Broncos fans, as your anger at the organization keeps us warm and dry on rainy nights.  It was either this or Things to Do in Denver When You’re Out of Playoff Contention.

Jim Brown Will Defenestrate Me Via Phone. Our Deadcast guest for Thursday is Jim Brown. Got a question for Mr. Brown you want asked over the air? Stick it in the comments. We’ll see if I have anywhere close to the balls to ask any of them. Brown is scheduled to appear in an interview on Real Sports tonight where he calls Tiger Woods a mamajama. The last time I heard that word, Triple H was using it to describe Chyna to the crowd. In a good way! And so there you have it. Tiger Woods and Chyna: two mamajamas.

Tonight Jim Brown will appear on HBO’s “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel”. Among other topics, the greatest running back to ever play the game will address his dissatisfaction with the current generation of athletes’ failure to follow the examples set by him and others of from his era. We had hoped to get a preview of what this legend had to say, but obviously, Mr. Brown would never talk to someone associated with this site. But let’s pretend that he did…
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In the immortal words of Nasir Jones, “F*#k Jay Z.” Sure, Jay can still bring it, but if everyone listened to him we wouldn’t have a gem like this from DJ Steve Porter. The video is heavy on AI (with good reason) before venturing into our domain. First comes the remix of Jim Mora’s legendary “Playoffs?” explosion, then there’s Mike Gundy’s fantastic rant. Eventually (around the 3:30 mark) we get to the good stuff. Namath. Kolber. Autotuned. Enjoy.

Thanks to reader Tomas for sending this our way.

Tom Brady: Listen up, Jizzy. You’re bearing Brady brood now. Big Leagues. And a kid that I actually meant to have, no less. Now, if our wedding and Belichick’s strict regiment of mind conditioning have taught me anything, it is that we are beset on all sides by forces that mean to do us harm. Remember when we had security cap that paparazzo? Tip of the iceberg, baby. Remember: readiness is key.

I want us to have contingency plans in place for any situation. Robbers. Crazed fans. Magma from the skies. The ex. Anything.

So I’ve come up with this comprehensive obstacle course to simulate a number of hazardous scenarios we could be dealing with as we try to raise the child we actually wanted to have. Okay, follow me. I’ll grab Mistake Baby and you can hold your gay little pooch.

C’mon. Faster around the cones. Those could be crazed anarcho-rapists who wish to stab our kid with AIDS blades. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather our kid be free of that stuff. Color me uptight.

There we go. There we go. That’s the hustle I like to see.

Duck the flaming arrows. That’s good. Don’t worry, your hair will only singe.

VIPER PIT! VIPER PIT! You almost plunged right in. What happens when I’m not around next time?

All right. That was decent. But decent isn’t good enough. We’re gonna need to do a lot of work with that. I’ll be damned if my wife delivers before she’s ready to protect my young.

Part of being a good parent isn’t just keeping your kid out of danger, it’s helping them cultivate good instincts about keeping themselves safe. Watch little Mistake Baby go through this minefield.

Look at him go. And that’s a field absolutely brimming with mines. Now, that awareness didn’t just crop up overnight. That is thanks to tireless work on my part. It’s like feeling the rush when you’re a quarterback. Once developed, it’s uncanny and practically second nature. That kid could could cartwheel through that field, no sweat.

Hmmmm.

Didn’t see that coming.

All right. All right. That’s what Mistake Baby is for. Now, if YOU were Bridget, how much would it take to keep you quiet? Like Donte’ Stallworth times diamonds?

When we last left sign-adhering cum landfill Peter King, he was recommending a book written by his close friends (you know the Normans, don’t you? Delightful people. We had a party with them, the Whiteleys, and the Bowers last week!) and arranging “tweetups” (his word) all across this lofty country of ours.

And now, we have arrived at Peter’s final column before his month-long vacation. Stupid growing popularity of the NFL. Twenty years ago, Peter’s vacation lasted FIVE months! Now he has to WORK! Maybe even use his CAR! But fear not, dear KSK readers. For Peter reveals this week that SI.com will be using guest MMQB editors for the next month, whom we shall also cruelly mock (starting in two weeks. I need a rest from this man’s column, as do we all.) In the meantime, what new things will our favorite doucherocket learn this week? Will the smell of a Potbelly sandwich shop make him feel like he’s really in Bavaria? And what does droppinaduece think of all this? Read on…

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