OHIO GAYJOKEKKAKE
The Bengals’ web site has one of those garden-variety off-season redemption profiles of Chad Ocho Cinco, in which he vows this coming season won’t be quite as unremarkable as the last. It being Ocho, bland anecdotes about being inspired from one conversation with Denzel Washington and Kobe “Moutheyes scowl” Bryant at the NBA Finals are interspersed with magically disjointed and pause-worthy quotes about his relationship with Carson Palmer.
“I know people are trying to say we’re mad at each other and all that, but we’re good,” he said. “We’re like Brokeback Mountain. I’m going to be with Carson so much in July that I’m going to be the nanny (for his new twins).
I’m not totally up on my state-by-state gay adoption laws, but I’m pretty sure Ohio hasn’t granted those sort of rights for gay couples, but shine on you crazy kids.
“I’m going to babysit. We were getting down to the details. If he and the wife go out, they have to be back by three. I asked for permission to have company over.”
And he gets to keep this old birdcage!
Painfully tired Brokeback jokes aside, is there a worse idea than leaving your children alone with Ocho? Even if he doesn’t make them play inside the dryer, his circles of logic will render their still-forming minds to gelatin. Because he’s an alien. (Sorry Hulu)
It’s a good thing he brings the crazy in this profile, because there exists a distressing paucity of it in his Twitter feed. So far not a single mention of Car Boat (the boat with cars) and 8,000 responses to Ray Lewis’ feed. Someone’s peyote supply is diminished.
Elsewhere, Cedar Point amusement park will host a Brady Quinn Day this Saturday. In future news, Quinn will be disappointed to learn that “Batman the Ride” is a roller coaster.
Tags: bad Photoshops, gay quarterbacks, gratuitous simpsons references, xmas ape
June 9th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Would Chad Johnson be a good babysitter for newborn twins?
Child, please.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
If a portal to hell ever opens up, I expect it will be located in Ohio.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Everybody knows that Ohio is the gayest state in the Union.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Still got it.
/adjusts tie
June 9th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
“Okay little Carson Jr…time for bed! And be sure to brush your teeth, or the Cavity Creeps will break in and steal your mommy’s jewelry!”
“Chad, the Cavtiy Creeps won’t break in our house.”
“But they could”
“No they couldn’t”
“But they could”
“No they couldn’t”
“But they could”
“No they couldn’t”
June 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
“Everybody knows that Ohio is the gayest state in the Union.”
Gayer than Oklahomo?
June 9th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
We’re like Brokeback Mountain.
And the award for “Gayest reference you could make when not even trying to come off as gay” goes to….
BTW, I implore you: NO Kobe Bryant mouth-eyes. I don’t think I can take it
/that’s what she said
June 9th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
That Kobe moutheyes is fucking nightmare fuel. The real look itself is creepy too. Kobe was trying to go for “playoff intense” for his SI photo shoot & the Championship DVD, and ended up looking like one of the fucked-up “Watership Down” rabbits.
Like this: http://blogs.dasmirnov.net/media/attack.jpg
June 9th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
@porky1, yes even gayer than Oklahoma and Alabama
June 9th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
OK, the moutheyes thing was at least a link this time, so Im more mad at myself, but for fucks sake stop that shit…………..
June 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Xmas Ape: hates Maryland, I’m from Maryland. Hates Ohio, I’m living in Ohio. This shall not be tolerated! I must now send you Crab Cakes laced with buckeye nuts.
/
but seriously, just cuz ur a Steelers fan doesn’t mean you have to completely rip apart the rest of the AFC North’s residents…. Its unoriginal.
June 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
What leads you to believe my hate for other teams/cities is confined to those that reside in the AFC North?
June 9th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I saw a car blow up on the highway near Cleveland once. The guy must have known because he was running away very fast. Perhaps Ochocinco was the car mechanic?
June 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
/dick joke
/shows self out
June 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
is there a worse idea than leaving your children alone with Ocho?
“Damnit, Chad, why are my kids talking about bacon dust all the time now?”
June 9th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
the whole world’s gone gay.
oh, be nice.
/there’s another one
June 9th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
“I’m not totally up on my state-by-state gay adoption laws, but I’m pretty sure Ohio hasn’t granted those sort of rights for gay couples…”
If Iowa can do it, anyone can do it.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Why the fuck did I click the Kobe Moutheyes link? Nothing good can come from clicking that link.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Jesus Christ with the Moutheyes. I may never sleep again.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Fair enough. I should know that all KSK employees practice equal opportunity hating on all things NFL. Its the one rule of decency. I will now go back to fearing for the lives of the Palmer children.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
We need a ‘moutheyes’ tag for easy reference.