Ocho And Marvin Carson: Under One Roof! The Moving Episode
In an effort to establish better rapport with his teammate, Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco decides to take the drastic step of moving into the home of quarterback Carson Palmer, in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Carson: Honey? Honey?! I’m going to the store. Do you have anything you need me to add to the Honey Do list? It says we need berries, but it doesn’t specify what kind. Do I just get whatever’s on sale? Honey?
(doorbell rings)
Hmm. I wasn’t expecting any visitors today.
(door flies open)
Ocho: Comin’ through, white boy! Comin’ through! Clear that stairway, Carter. Ocho’s gotta move his shit!
Carson: What are you doing?
Ocho: What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m bunking with you and your family! That’s right! Ocho and The Porters. One big happy family! Now move out the way, Carter.
Carson: It’s Carson. Carson Palmer.
Ocho: You got it, Carter. You know, your name sounds a lot like a law firm. I have some unpaid parking tickets of my own. Not many. Like, 350 or so. You think you could take care of that.
Carson: I’m not a lawyer, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, but you could be.
Carson: But I’m not.
Ocho: But you could be.
Carson: But I’m not.
Ocho: But you could be! Look at how white you are, Cartley! That’s lawyer white. Now, where do I put my shark tank?
Carson: Wait. We haven’t even discussed this.
Ocho: Sure we have. I TWEETED THAT SHIT!
Carson: You can’t just move in.
Ocho: Why not? This house looks nice. I see no reason why I wouldn’t want to live here.
Carson: Yes, but it’s not your house. It’s mine. It’s up to me to decide who gets to live in here and who doesn’t.
Ocho: Well, who died and made you the FBI?
Carson: It’s not like that, Chad. It’s a matter of common courtesy. If you’re gonna move in with me and my family, you need to discuss it with me first. That’s just basic protocol. I don’t even know if I have room.
Ocho: Ha ha! See, I love this! Here we are, bickering and arguing, just like a married couple. That’s the kind of special chemistry we have, Carsten! This is why we need to live together. Now, where do I put my hats? OCHO GOT SOME HATS!
Carson: You can’t put them anywhere yet. I haven’t talked about this with my wife. I haven’t talked about this with our kids.
Ocho: You don’t need to talk about it with your kids. KIDS LOVE ME! I got four of my own… somewhere. And whenever they see me, they say, “There’s Daddy Ocho! With money! The TV’s gonna work again!” I even write children’s songs.
FARTY FARTY
MY BUTT’S HAVIN’ A PARTY
That’s some Raffi shit right there.
Carson: Look, I enjoy having you as a teammate, Chad. And I want us to work together to get better. But we should do that at the team facility. We should make a schedule, meet up early, watch film together, work routes together, and things like that. I don’t see how you living here is any help. This house is for my family and I.
Ocho: Well, how do you know I’m not your family?
Carson: Because you aren’t.
Ocho: But I could be? You like hot dogs, right?
Carson: Yes.
Ocho: So do I! That’s a shared trait, right there. How many other people out there like hot dogs?
Carson: All of them.
Ocho: Yes, but are those people who like hot dogs also football teammates? You see the coincidences here? That’s not typical shit, man. I’m not gonna lie, Carter. I never knew my Dad. Never saw him. I don’t even remember his name. Now, what was your dad’s name?
Carson: William.
Ocho: I know that name! That could be MY dad!
Carson: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Carson: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Carson: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could! How do you know your dad didn’t sneak out one night, drive down to Miami, and pick up a streetwalker named Shanee? You don’t! That could have happened!
Carson: My Dad is from California.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You were just a baby. Unless you’re one of those superbabies, you can’t possibly know if he hit that shit.
Carson: What’s a superbaby?
Ocho: You know. Like the ones I saw here.
Carson: Okay, those babies weren’t real. Those were fictional babies in a subpar Kathleen Turner vehicle.
Ocho: Yeah, but there COULD be superbabies. In fact, that reminds me. I have to unpack my superbaby detector.
Carson: That’s a comb.
Ocho: Yeah, but when superbabies get near it, it waves like this. See that?
Carson: You’re just waving it around yourself.
Ocho: That’s because the superbabies are MAKING me do it. You’re a lawyer and shit. You could help me find them! You know how I know when a baby is a superbaby? Because when I sing…
FARTY FARTY
MY BUTT’S HAVIN’ A PARTY
They do NOT giggle. One time I sung it for this superbaby, and he said to me, “Johnson, get your fucking ass back in the huddle!”
Carson: That was coach Lewis.
Ocho: Exactly. He’s a superbaby. Just talking about him makes this comb go crazy, Carter!
Carson: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING RETARD. MY NAME IS CARSON. NOT CARTER. IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO REMEMBER. AND I DON’T WANT YOU LIVING IN MY GODDAMN HOUSE WITH MY GODDAMN FAMILY. YOU UNDERSTAND?
Ocho: Absolutely. So where should I put these pickles?
Carson: NOWHERE! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY TO YOU, ASSHOLE? I SAID YOU CAN’T LIVE HERE. WE AREN’T FAMILY. I’M NOT A FUCKING LAWYER. I’M YOUR GODDAMN QB, AND WHAT I’D LIKE FROM YOU IS SOME ACTUAL FUCKING EFFORT OUT ON THE FIELD. IS THAT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING POSSIBLE? OR ARE YOU GONNA SPEND ALL FUCKING DAY WAVING A FUCKING COMB AROUND?
Ocho: You know who was a superbaby? Ray Lewis. Stabbed two other babies with a rattle. Can you believe that, Carboat?
Carson: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, combs, lawyers, ocho and carson, ocho and marvin, superbabies
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
June 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I….I sometimes wonder where the inspiration for the details in these come from. Then I stop wondering once I get scared.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Great stuff, just what we needed after reading about Stallworth only getting 30 days in jail for killing a guy.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
+1,000 for making me fall out of my seat laughing.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
You had me at “batteries.”
June 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Was there a touch of Monty Python “Argument” sketch in there?
June 16th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I’m looking forward to seeing if Ochocinco, Carboat Palmer, and their coach, Superbaby, can get things turned around in Cincy this year! It could happen….
No, it couldn’t.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Wow. I was thinking this morning REALLY needed an Ochocinco post. And you delivered.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
And that picture of Carter and the hot dog might be the gayest thing on the interwebs.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I can totally imagine that conversation taking place.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Cue the “Carboat” signs in Bawlmer next year.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@ Sword of Tatupa
Yes, it could.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
So…Chad’s moving van contains the following:
-A shark tank
-Hats
-Pickles
Yeah, sounds like he thought of everything.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
“Yes, it could! How do you know your dad didn’t sneak out one night, drive down to Miami, and pick up a streetwalker named Shanee? You don’t! That could have happened!”
Yikes, I could be Chad’s daddy!
June 16th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
So, um, is that hot dog ad real or photoshopped?
June 16th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Carboat Palmer definitely deserves its own tag. Glorious.
BTW, has anybody figured out the melody that goes with Carboat yet?
June 16th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Just seeing (door flies open) makes me happy inside
June 16th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
@Nate Newon’s Van:
Shit, by that standard, we ALL could be Chad’s daddy.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
What about the weiner?
/Simpson’d
June 16th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Gihyou Says:
June 16th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
So, um, is that hot dog ad real or photoshopped?
Sadly yes… He did the Hot dog ads here in cincinnati… the tv spots were even better… :o
June 16th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
is that hot dog ad real or photoshopped?
Real.
http://withleather.uproxx.com/2007/05/carson-palmer-uh-wow
June 16th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I like Carter all the better than I ever have.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
So it’s real. Carson…do you have any shame at all? I’m brokeass poor and I wouldn’t do that ad for a 100,000 dollars.
A million, though, yeah.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
@Geaux Home
No, it couldn’t.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Drew–I would appreciate it if you would come up with a nickname for Ochocinco so that when I hold up a sign that says “Carboat to Ocho” it’s funnier? Could we get another handle for Chad? Please?
June 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I was waiting for the clincher, and you delivered at the end. Yes, Carboat indeed.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
And whenever they see me, they say, “There’s Daddy Ocho! With money! The TV’s gonna work again!”
“Tell me about it!”
/Travis Henry
June 16th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Big Daddy Drew’s gggottta gggood bbbrain.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Drew,
These posts make my heart feel SUPER HAPPY!
Zaijiàn!!!!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
What the hell happened to Kathleen Turner? She and Cybil Sheppard used to be hot, now they’re horrifying witches.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I think Kathleen Turner ate Cybil Sheppard.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Who knew “The Man With Two Brains” was such a prophetic movie?
http://www.themakeupgallery.org.uk/images/character/fat/twobrains7.jpg
June 16th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I’m not even sure why, but “OCHO GOT SOME HATS!!” made me lose my shit.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
I think I pissed myself laughing six times while reading this, but this one is my favorite “There’s Daddy Ocho! With money! The TV’s gonna work again!”
Bravo Drew. Bravo.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
i am using “who died and made you the FBI?” at least ten times a day.
classic post
June 16th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I loved the Lawyer stuff. “Look how white you are”
And also the “Theres Daddy Ocho with Money, our Tv’s gonna work again!”
June 16th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
When i read that carson and ocho were going to live together on pft this morning, my first though was ‘ocho and carson: under one roof’. i spend the day golfing and working, and when i get home, sure enough, there’s ocho and carson under one roof.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Ocho reads KSK but couldn’t find Marvins’ house.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Comedic gold. There really should be a soundtrack to this.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:17 am
Is it bad that everytime I see that picture of Chad Ochonegro I think of Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man and crave Taco Bell?
June 17th, 2009 at 10:19 am
What happened to the “The Black Karl Pilkington” tags on the Ochocinco posts?
June 17th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
“thats some raffi shit right there”- classic
June 17th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I read this post last night and thought it was funny…didnt know it was real until driving into Cinci this morning and WEBN talked about it. Thought they were stealing shit from here, maybe Ochocinco is a KSK fan and Marvin wouldnt let him move in with him.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I was able to keep my shit together until the part about Ray Lewis stabbing two other babies with a rattle.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I lost it early on in this one.
can we plase get some carboat shirts and hats that say ocho got some hats?
June 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
by the way your t shirt designs are like a good golf score.