Chinese Theater
See, I don’t engage in “serial domestic violence,” I beat me some women
if you don’t see the difference now, brother, you never will.

 

Tonight Jim Brown will appear on HBO’s “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel”. Among other topics, the greatest running back to ever play the game will address his dissatisfaction with the current generation of athletes’ failure to follow the examples set by him and others of from his era. We had hoped to get a preview of what this legend had to say, but obviously, Mr. Brown would never talk to someone associated with this site. But let’s pretend that he did…

“My career as a prominent athlete came during a time of tremendous upheaval in this country. The easiest thing I could have done was keep my mouth shut and continue to collect my salary—considered quite ample at the time. But instead, I redoubled my efforts towards my two greatest goals—being an agent of social change for my people, and beating the living daylights out of any woman who dared back-sass me. It is a damn shame that the top athletes of today choose to ignore the trail I blazed for them.

If we are to effect the kind of change necessary to improve the lot of future generations, we must reach out the most disenfranchised and marginalized among us. We need individuals whose message will be heard by inner-city youth. I established a nationwide network called Amer-I-Can, that takes young people headed down the wrong path and instills them with a sense of self-worth and puts them on the road to being productive citizens. But these at-risk youngsters don’t want to listen to politicians or crusty old-timers like me. They are attuned to their heroes, people like Tiger Woods and LeBron James. They need to hear it from these men that they can determine a future where they will succeed and prosper—a future where they can slap the shit out of any trifling chickenhead they see fit.

There are some athletes out there who feebly try to follow my example. Stephon Marbury sells a pair of shoes that cost $3 to make for $15 instead of $90 and he is lauded as an activist. Can you believe that shit? Let me tell you something, in 1986 in Los Angeles, I personally negotiated a truce between the Crips and Bloods. That’s activism. Selling some cheapass shoes is not activism.

That hussy from the Golf Channel said other players on the PGA Tour should lynch Tiger Woods and Tiger just let that shit go. Said it was ‘an unfortunate choice of words’. Lemme tell you something, when they put the badmouth on ol’ Jim, I just threw those bitches off the fucking balcony and went about my business. They don’t press charges after that, they just keep their mouths shut. Lynch this, devil-woman!

Lately, when I go around the country and speak to various youth groups, there’s always some wiseass youngblood who says, ‘But Mister Brown, Brandon Marshall beats his women way worse that you ever did’. Sheeeeeeit, don’t get me started on Brandon Marshall. I didn’t just choke bitches for a few seconds or put a couple of bruises on their faces. I beat that ass. My wife once had me arrested for smashing in some for car windows. They charged me with vandalism. Ain’t that some shit? Who in the hell do they think paid for that ride? How am I supposed to vandalize something I already own? I showed her though; when I got done she went on Larry King and said it was her fault because of the PMS. WHEN JIM BROWN BEATS ‘EM THEY STAY BEAT!!!”