Jason Campbell Converses With a Dolphin As Though It Were a Peer or Maybe Even a Lover
Jason Campbell: Hey there dolphin.
Dolphin: [Dolphin sounds]
Jason Campbell: You mind if I call you Matthew Lilliard?
Dolphin: [Dolphin sounds]
Jason Campbell: That’s very kind of you, Matthew Lilliard.
Hey, I’ve got a question: What do dolphins dream about when they sleep their dolphin sleep?
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: Wow. Unreal. Dolphins don’t actually sleep. Because they have to consciously make a decision to breathe, they can’t achieve full unconsciousness without killing themselves, so dolphins must rest their brains one half at a time while swimming around in a weird semi-sleep fugue state.
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: That’s funny, because I usually dream about being chased by mongols carrying pizza boxes. And when they catch me, the pizza boxes are full of smaller mongols carrying ever smaller pizza boxes. And so on.
Dolphin: [Angry dolphins noises]
Jason Campbell: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.
Is it okay if take my shirt off?
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: Well, I’m gonna do it anyway. If Vince Young can do it, so can I.
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: [Dolphin noises]
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: All right, Matthew Lilliard. I like you. I really do. I’d tear that mammalian ass up. But I really don’t think we’re getting anywhere with this.
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: But I don’t want to move into your tank.
Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]
Jason Campbell: I understand you can’t move in to my palatial exurban Virginia McMansion. But consider this: my pool is pretty deep.
Dolphin: [Throws up gang signs]
Jason Campbell: Well maybe you should go back to grad school. There’s no shame in that. It’s not admitting defeat. You’re bettering yourself. It’ll work out in the end.
Dolphin: [Swims away]
Jason Campbell: That’s not the grown-up way to deal with this. You could pretend like you got a little maturity.
Matthew!
You’ll never get me to lose the shorts this way. They’re mesh too.
Tags: jason campbell, questionable practices at seaworld, troy mcclure, xmas ape
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June 22nd, 2009 at 8:07 am
Should’ve superimposed LenWhale’s face on the marine mammal.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:12 am
No way, that things is waaaaayyyy too small to be LenWhale.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:15 am
No shirt, no shoes, no whale sex. Learn it, know it, live it.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:40 am
That’s just silly.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
And just what was the porpoise of this post?
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:27 am
Snarky speak man.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:59 am
And thus the Sexy Monday tradition was born.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Mark Wahlberg would like a word.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:19 am
“weird semi-sleep fugue state” Perfect desription of my morning so far.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
“Dad, what’s the blowhole for?”
“I’ll tell you what it’s not for. And when I do, you’ll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.”
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
Jason Campbell, the black Troy McClure
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:58 am
“Hi, I’m Jason Campbell. You might remember me from such instructional videos as ‘How to Throw Like Michael Vick’ and ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Vacant Stares.’”
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
This was awesome! Tiny Mongorians with pizza boxes ruined my shitty wall!
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
little did jason know he was actually standing half-naked in a museum talking to a painting for three hours.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
no gay QB tag?
no snarky “black people cant swim” joke?
i feel cheated
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
YOU’VE DEPRIVED US OF PROPER TAGS FOR THE LAST TIME, APE!!!
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
So, Jason Campbell likes Fish Sticks?
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Something just isn’t right about the look on his face while looking at the fish.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:22 am
dolphins must rest their brains one half at a time
Jason Campbell chooses to do this during the second half of all ‘Skins games.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:10 am
Jason Campbell likes Fish Sticks!
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
I’M BRIAN FELLOWS!
June 29th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Makin’ love to other gay fish!