It’ll Be a Flippin’ Sweet Start to Your Baby’s Life
Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?
So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.
Special landing pads on the roof for storks!
Best care for your mommy’s tummy, which got big even though a giant bird brings the baby. Which is, like, really flippin’ weird when you think about it.
Most action figure filled waiting room ever!
Waterslide deliveries!
We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!
You can force a trade of your baby if you don’t like it
All our nurses faint at the sight of blood, so you don’t feel like a big ol’ chicken if it happens to you
Tom Coughlin on staff as special screamy birthing coach
Race car beds in the nursery, natch
Epidural? Never heard of him, but we got all the Transformer dolls, so he’s gotta be in there
The gift shop no longer carries Plax dolls, but they have a new line of plush Hakeem Nicks.
Entire hospital filled with priceless antiques, picked out by me and MY MOMMY, even the medical equipment! Look at those old calipers go!
Tags: Eli Manning, elisha, flippin' sweet, Unsilent Majority, xmas ape
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June 1st, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Needs “I don’t know nuthin bout birfthing no babies” tag
June 1st, 2009 at 2:02 pm
This is going to be much more successful than Peyton’s Partial Birth Abortion Emporium.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Plus the infants can refuse to go home with the parents who selected them.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:19 pm
You can force a trade of your baby if you don’t like it
+1
June 1st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
There has to be a Rae Carruth joke here somewhere.
/Rae Carruth’d
June 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Do the race car beds have trunks?
June 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Skip the hassle of raising a child and pick one up off Free Agency.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Since some of them appear to be wearing little Denver Broncos helmets, am I to assume those are Travis Henry’s kids?
June 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Mommy and Dad said this would help me learn reeesponsibility. Apparently we didn’t have that class at Ole Miss.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Is it wrong that I want to rail Abby on one of the firetruck beds? No. No it isn’t.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:37 pm
When is the Rockaway branch opening for all the unintended Morris Hills High pregnancies? AM I RIGHT!!!
June 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Best Photoshop ev…
wait, WHAT?
Dear Christ. IRL is soooooo much freakier than the eBays sometimes.
It’s just so great imagining the thought process behind this. I imagine Eli thinking, “What could I endorse that couldn’t possibly be offensive to anybody, ever? I know… BABIES!” I’d bet The Rainbow McHappy Puppydog Clinic was next on the list.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Those babies can totally see Abby’s gash* from where they’re sittin.
*For Eli: “gash” = “fishy boo-boo”
June 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
So he’s pretty cool, racially?
June 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Eli Manning in a doctor’s gown = shades of Dougie Howser
June 1st, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Why are Eli and his wife standing in a pool of the Sex Cannon’s fumbled snaps?
June 1st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It’s a crazy world.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
“You don’t want your baby? Call an audible and we’ll get you a different baby.”
June 1st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Ben Rongrastname takes issue with the “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan” claim.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Waterslide deliveries!
There is a “Martin” show at Dorney Park Wild Water Kingdom joke in there somewhere and it is pretty disturbing.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I wish I was wealthy enough to get a much hotter wife than I deserve.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Well played, Suarez.
June 1st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
• There’s a machine that goes “ping!”
June 1st, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Kudos, Gino.
June 1st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Unsilent is right ……… Elisha’s birthing endeavor will be more successful than Pey Pey’s anti-birthing endeavor.
June 1st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Ben Ten Alien Force reference FTW! So which one of you a-holes has kids?
June 1st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Hopefully this will be more successful than Peyton’s campaign to help the underprivileged kids of Indianapolis.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1603/saturday-night-live-united-way
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:50 am
The entire concept is like something out of bizzaro world. Like a Kyle Orton Sobriety Clinic.