APTOPIX NBA Finals Lakers Magic Basketball

KOBE BRYANT: Oh my Lord, this is the greatest feeling ever! Come here kids, give daddy a championship hug! I’ve won another world championship! By only beating teams in North America! This is the best! AND I FINALLY DID IT WITHOUT SHAQ! Woohoo! MVP!

NBA Finals Lakers Magic Basketball

PAU GASOL: Hey, Kobe. Congrats on the MVP, man.

KOBE BRYANT: Oh, Hey, big man! I finally did it without Shaq! This finally cements my legacy as A GUY THAT CAN PUT A TEAM ON HIS BACK! And carry them to the promised land!

PAU GASOL: [in Italian] Sure thing, guy, whatever!

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ANDREW BYNUM: Great series, Kobe. Good job.

KOBE BRYANT: Hey, Andrew Bynum! I finally won it without Shaq! WHO SAYS I NEED A 7-FOOTER ON MY TEAM TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP?!

ANDREW BYNUM: Yeah, Pau and I were just talking about that. You had a great series. For a guy that was fifth on the team in field goal percentage and led all of us in turnovers. Nice work.

KOBE BRYANT: Thanks…man! Hey Derek Fisher! Why you dressed already?

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DEREK FISHER: Hey, Kobe. There just aren’t many pictures of me online.

KOBE BRYANT: Derek, I did it, man! How ’bout a totally fake high five while the cameras are still on!

DEREK FISHER: I guess. [they high-five]

KOBE BRYANT: Derek, look at this. I DID IT! I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD, WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI! Remember those two clutch shots I hit to win Game 4 for us?

DEREK FISHER: That was me!

KOBE BRYANT: …Oh. Hey, Coach! Coach! Whose the man now?

NBA Finals Lakers Magic Basketball

PHIL JACKSON: [distracted] Yeah, great work, Scottie. I’m proud of you.

KOBE BRYANT: Aw, come on, man! Can’t y’all see that IT WAS MY LEADERSHIP THAT GOT US HERE?! MY TEAMSMANSHIP?! DON’T HATE! EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS THAT I’M THE REASON WE WON! WE DIDN’T NEED SHAQ TO DO IT ONCE WE STOLE GASOL FROM THE GRIZZLIES IN THE ILLEGAL TRADE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS! DON’T HATE! DON’T HATE!

…why don’t you turn that damn camera off so I can get rid of these kids already?