FUTURE NEWS: Romo and Simpson Lost At Sea, Presumed Dead
Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.
DALLAS, TX–Officials fear the worst after Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson failed to return from an afternoon boating excursion in the Gulf of Mexico. The couple left the marina two days ago in their 25-foot Malibu Wakesetter speedboat for a day of relaxation and have not been seen since.
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones pledged to fund an extensive search and rescue mission, although he reportedly canceled the operation shortly after watching Stephen McGee and Felix Jones excel in the team’s new “Wildcat” formation during organized team activities.
It appears that family members have also given up hope on finding the superstar couple alive and well after two days at sea. While the Simpson family has yet to issue an official statement, Jessica’s father Joe was overheard speculating as to whether or not they had to wait for the bodies to wash up on shore before collecting on his daughter’s sizable life insurance policy.
They will not be missed.
Tags: bad timing, dallas cowboys, Future News, It's news that hasn't happened yet, it's satire people, Tony and Jess, Unsilent Majority, would you trust either of these two to operate a anything larger than a dinghy?
June 1st, 2009 at 10:22 am
We’re gonna bet you didn’t read the ‘actual’ news this morning.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:24 am
In poor taste, UM, in light of this morning’s news.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:07 am
since when does anyone who frequents this site expect anything OTHER than poor taste? it’s dick jokes, stoma-stuffing (my grandfather had a laryngectomy and a HUGE hole in his throat the rest of his life — should I be offended by the tournament?), cheerleader bios, Peter King mockery, ookie updates, and KILLKILLKILL
sometimes football slips past the filters, but not often enough to be a cause of concern
June 1st, 2009 at 11:21 am
The real news this morning sucks, but I’ll take you at your word above. Oh by the way, just replace Tony and Jess with Snyder and Cerrato and you’ve got yourself a true story here.
CHECK YO FUTURE FACTS!
June 1st, 2009 at 11:21 am
Saying that a pleasureboat lost in the gulf with two people is the same as a commercial jumbo jet from Brazil to France crashing into the atlantic is anywhere near the same ballpark is ludicrous.
It’s akin to me saying “I saw a dead snake yesterday, so Cobra Commander’s name offends me.”
June 1st, 2009 at 11:23 am
What everyone seems to be overlooking is that UM waited a tasteful 90+ days from this incident before publishing an NFL-player-missing-at-sea piece of satire. I think he showed admirable restraint; would it be so hard to praise him for that?
/Seeing the glass as half full
/Apologizing in advance for possibly screwing up the html code
June 1st, 2009 at 11:26 am
So, Jess and Tony aren’t really dead or on a missing Air France jetliner? Well that’s just a kick in the junk.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:35 am
Don’t you idiots know anything? The people on that plane are fine. The electrical disturbance transported them back in time to 1977 on a magical island. They’re now living in a world of increasingly illogical plot-lines.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:45 am
i don’t wanna live in a world where KSK censors itself
June 1st, 2009 at 11:50 am
Jessica is very buoyant. I think they’ll be ok.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:52 am
God-damn it Ghost Mutt, you stole my future-comment.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am
@Ghost Mutt: this viral marketing is really getting out of control.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:58 am
Wait, Ghost, so you’re saying they didn’t end up somewhere along a split timeline where Biff owns a casino? Thats too bad – I always wanted to challnge the blackjack dealers to hit on 17…what are they? chicken?
June 1st, 2009 at 11:59 am
@Ghost Mutt: That’s what I was thinking when I first saw the news.
June 1st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
If joking about tragedy is wrong I don’t want to be right.
Here’s hoping Tony Parker and Eva Longoria were on the plane or the boat.
June 1st, 2009 at 12:03 pm
What the fuck is this shit? KSK Lite? Some kind of Gay Mafia you guys are.
June 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Can’t Jessica’s silicone enhanced boobs be used as flotation devices? They might still be alive. We should keep searching.
/or not
June 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
@UM
fuck the fuckers who were offended or thought it was in bad taste. this wouldnt even make the KSK top 100 in bad taste.
fucking PC assholes
June 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Apparently, when Jessica told Romo–who was driving– that this boat was the Lombardi trophy of boats, Romo’s hands got all sweaty and could no longer hold on to the steering wheel. They crashed into a rock and Jessica Simpson ate Romo after an hour. Her excuse, she needed food to survive until her next feed. . . 10 minutes later
June 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Tony dies but so does Jessica? I think I speak for all Cowboy fans when i say, “Okay, I guess”.
June 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
UM: I’m terribly upset and offended by this post. There is no way Jessica Simpson could fit on a 25-foot Wakesetter.
June 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
@Cooper
Maybe your right, but don’t call them chicken….nobody calls them chicken
@ Tech N9ne, Rocco and Westbrook
Weed-ravaged minds dedicated to television and mindlessly trolling the internet think alike
June 1st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
The problem with this post isn’t the timing, it’s the lack of funny.
June 1st, 2009 at 5:25 pm
lol, funny, but we shouldn’t be joking around about deaths.
Check out http://www.thegridironpalace.com/forums
June 1st, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Hell, this probably won’t make the top 100 most offensive KSK posts for June.