Lovers of sex and warmed-over sex advice rejoice, it is time again for the Internet’s foremost source of counsel from misanthropic sexists. This week, in addition to entertaining a bevy of B-Marsh trade inquiries, we address a wee dicked fellow who frets over his girl’s love of her “Purple Penetrator,” non-fug options for those in Oklahoma, a reader with a carte blanche for any sex act he desire, if it’s okay to bed a girl who’s long since dismissed your friend and, shock of shocks, a guy who bucks the tide of the overwhelmingly favorable anal seeking sentiment on the site. Remember, commenters, torch him, not me.
Hello Internet Sex Robots,
Sexy Time: My girlfriend and I of five or so years live a satisfying, yet admittedly mundane sex life (we only see each other a couple times a month due to school/work, so we take what we can get). Recently we went to a sex shop and picked up your basic run-of-the-mill dildo to spice things up a bit which I dubbed the ‘Purple Penetrator’. Now, at this point a little disclosure is necessary. I admittedly have a pretty undersized wang.
How do I know? If you have ever lived with male roommates and you all tend to drink a lot, there tends to be some drunken nudity,
and I always noticed that I was a good deal smaller than my other drunken revelers. But that’s not the problem here since what I did notice was that my balls were bigger than anyone else’s. Like way bigger, like pterodactyl egg bigger. Which I not only find hilarious, but also way more satisfying that swinging a big stick. Anyway, the first time the lady and I used the dildo, for lack of a better term, she went, berserk, in a good way. But since then, every time we have sex she doesn’t seem as interested or as into it as when we use the Purple Penetrator. Have I sold my own dick up the river by bringing in a more well endowed piece of silicone? Will she every enjoy the joy of my condor egg, discount brand, undercooked hot dog again?
PS: Probably the best part of the dildo is that the bottom forms a suction cup sort of thing which means it sticks to surfaces. I think it would really toughen up NFL players mentally if they had to do run drills through a barrage of dildos. Sort of like this:
What you’re not considering here is that perhaps it’s not necessarily that your dick is too small, but that you’re just not using it right. She, obviously, has a much better idea about what gets her off and can use the dildo to easily achieve that, rather than having you fumble around in her vag. Be as observant of how she’s using the thing as you are admiring other guy’s junk.
Football Time: I’m a Bears fan and the “Who’s Cutler gonna throw to” horse has been fucked to death already so I’ve got a different type of question. As a displaced fan who can’t afford tickets to games in Chicago, I tend to go to other Midwestern cities to see them play when tickets are cheaper and easier to get. This year it looks like I’m going to Detroit and Cincinnati. I need help coming up with some shit-talking to give to Lions and Bengals fans. The only caveat is that it need to be so soul-crushing that they have no interest in responding to me verbally or physically, since after all, I have a small dick and don’t want to fight any one.
~Outdicked by a Dildo
As someone who very frequently mocks Bengals fans, you need to realize that their team is so wretchedly bad that reminding them their franchise, and by extension their lives, is a joke doesn’t register all that high on the insult scale. One thing I’ve found effective is to remind them that Ken Anderson just finally earned his first Super Bowl ring by being the quarterbacks coach for Ben Roethlisberger. But as a Bears fan, you can’t really apply that one. Stick to calling skyline chili overhyped shit. That’s an old standby for getting them worked up. I imagine the same acceptance of ineptitude applies to the Lions. The Detroit bailout jokes were very much in evidence during the Penguins-Red Wings Stanley Cup Final and they’re already kind of stale, so I figure they’ll be really bad come fall. Just wear a Millen throwback jersey and avoid the empties being hurled at you.
Dear Gay Mafia,
Sex: I met my g/f less than a month ago and although she’s cool and able to keep up with me in bed it’s quickly becoming apparent to me that she’s completely nuts. I’m talking naked pictures sent to my phone within the first week, wants to talk to me 24/7, already told me she loves me, already wants to me to love her back kind of crazy. Since it’s still too early into the relationship for a normal person to be in love yet I’ve told her so, which has only led to her working harder to make me love her. Lately she’s told me how much she enjoys getting off watching girl-on-girl porn and brought up the subject of allowing me to watch her with another girl, as well as the possibility of a threesome and anal in the future. Now that all sounds great and all, but is the crazy worth the reward? And if I’m not sure I can fall in love with this girl, should I feel bad about the possibility I’ll just be using her? P.S. – She lives a half hour away and doesn’t have a car, so at least no matter what happens she can’t stalk me.
Run away and never return. (Okay, maybe once for the threesome).
Fooball: All the stars finally appear to be aligned for the Eagles, is the year they finally win the big one?
UFFORD: And SHE’S the crazy one?
DREW: Actually, I think the Iggles bandwagon will be pretty large when preseason predictions come around.
Yep. They and the Falcons will be very trendy picks in the NFC. Which is probably why the Giants will take it.
Conquistadors of the Cooter,
Football – Where do you think Brandon Marshall will be beating his new girlfriend?
From what I’ve seen, the Browns and the Ravens are the two teams that crop up the most from those speculating about where he’ll end up. In the case of the Browns, it would further necessitate a trade of Braylon Edwards, which some have surmised would be sent to Baltimore, which is retarded. The Ravens have yet to contact Denver, but the move makes sense on several levels. For starters, their receivers blow and they’ve done next to nothing to address that in this offseason. Secondly, between the felonious team history of dealing with Ray Lewis, Jamal Lewis and signing Bam Morris right after a weed/cocaine drug arrest, he’d fit right in with the team culture.
Sex – So quick back story. Last summer my best friend and I got a job at this shitty cafe when we got back from college. There was this amazingly hot cashier girl that is easily a 9/10.
My friend never really had a relationship and I was still dealing with trying to fix shit with my ex (which failed miserably shortly thereafter), so I let him go after her and even helped him reel her in. It was just a summer fling to her but he was pretty devastated when she broke up with him come the fall. Her and I continued to talk though the school year since we were friends anyway. Fast forward a year later and hot cashier girl and I are back from school and we’ve begun to hang out and I can tell there is something there. Here is the predicament, my friend has been trying to talk to her and get back together, but she doesn’t want to. She would rather spend her time with me. I don’t want to get into a relationship or a friends with benefits sort of thing because my friend would more than likely kill me if he found out. So, do I ditch hot cashier girl and keep the best friend I’ve had since 3rd grade? Or talk to him about it and see if he’s okay with it? Or just continue being a scum bag and see if I can get away with it for the summer?
Yeah, I’m all in favor of bros before hos and all that, but your friend sounds like a bit of a social retard. Should you make yourself suffer because he couldn’t grasp the nature of his fling with this girl and can’t get over it? It’s admirable that you want to spare his feelings, but if it’s a year later and this guy is still going on about this, you getting with her in a way dispels any lingering hope for him. Which could be a good thing, or it could be something he flips out about and resents you for. If it’s the latter, that’s on him. Hopefully he comes to his senses at some point.
Chillin’ and top billin’, dunnie
I will keep this brief. A few months ago people were posting questions on how to get their brown belt, and the advice and the stories were funny. I had just started dating a girl, and she informed me she loved anal. It was her favorite thing!
Even more than curly fries!?
I’d never attempted to delve that area before, and so I was intrigued. Well, I don’t like it. I’m not sure what the hang up is all about. It felt good, but not better than the coochie. What really sucked though was when I pulled out, all I could smell was shit! I ain’t down with that. Maybe if i took some of that Zicam…
We ended up breaking up later, but I wanted to share that. Cuz sex is not fun when immediately afterward you’re cleaning ur junk, taking the trash out, and not just chilling.
Eh, no one said you had to enjoy your walk on the brown side. In fact, the wonders of it have been debunked numerous times by some folks in past mailbag comments, while others can’t get enough of it. No harm if it’s not your thing.
As for my sex question, what’s the word on how to ask a girl to rub my butthole during a blowjob? That feels fantastic, but it kinda feels queer to ask for it.
Interesting hypothesis. From this we should conclude:
Fucking girl in the ass = A-okay, padinah
Having girl rub your asshole while also sucking your dick = Fag city
Yeah, I think that’s pretty stupid. Not sure if you got the rectal rub from this chick, but it can’t be too hard to ask, “Hey, while you’re down there, mind giving the ass crack a good fingerin’? Thanks, love.” Stick with my phrasing if you like.
Football question: I’m a Steelers fan, and my best friend is a Redskins fan. Any chance of a bounty on Dan Snyder this year? I feel badly for him. If I’m lucky, Dan gets popped, and the Steelers face off the ‘Skins in the Super Bowl. It’d be a slaughter though, Jason Campbell vs. our D? Not scary.
This one hits a little close to home for me considering I’m a Steelers fan who’s spent most of his life in the D.C. area (cue Nestminder and Tim Tebow’s Girlfriends Tits calling me a bandwagon fan in the comments). On one hand, I feel some sympathy for ‘Skins fans, as many of my friends are counted among their fanbase. However, I have lingering painful memories of when the team was actually good in the ’80s and early ’90s and would like to keep those memories safely nestled in the past. Because ‘Skins fans are annoying enough when the team is mediocre. When they’re good, they’re entirely unbearable. (Yes, I realize the inherent hypocrisy of a Steelers fan stating this) Case in point: while at Blogs With Balls this past weekend, Chris Mottram tried to engage me in an argument by saying Jason Campbell was essentially the same quarterback as Ben Roethlisberger, y’know, only with a career QB rating roughly 10 points lower, a lower career average per completion by about 1.5 yards, a career completion percentage of 59.7 to Ben’s 62.4, two fewer Super Bowl rings and the scrambling ability of a tied down circus elephant. Other than that, totally the same.
Anyway, any bounty on Snyder that we could come up with he could easily counter and increase a thousandfold.
What’s up concubinors,
Sex: I’ve been on a real dry spell the past several months and find that when I masturbate I just get it over with quickly. Do you think this sexual sabbatical would be a good time for me to turn myself into the Kenyan Marathon runner of the bedroom I’ve always dreamed about, or do you think that my hand to hand combat won’t translate into the vaginal canal when my next female suitor joins me in my sexual living quarters?
Depends on your method of masturbation. Though it sounds as though you’re not ravaging your dick to get it done as quickly as possible, which is probably a good thing for your endurance. Extending the marathon metaphor a little further, your performance free of anxiety and pressure when running/jerking it by yourself isn’t the same when running/fucking with others.
Football: I’m a Vikings fan, have been since I was a child (pre-uncle molestation). I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this Britfar situation. I have hated him for almost 20 years, made fun of his pill addiction, his wife beating, his alcohol, his womanizing (look it up), and of course his fame whoring…I’ve done it all. Now I’m supposed to just tell myself he’s another washed up quarterback in a long line of washed up Vikings quarterbacks? This isn’t Wade Wilson, Jim McMahon, Warren Moon, or Fussy Gussy…this is the anti-Christ. If the Vikings win with him (which I don’t think is a lock), I’m selling out right? So the question is, if your team sells its soul to the devil, do you go along for the dirty ride down the anal rabbit hole? Do you ride the Denny Green high road and wait for Chilly and Favre to eventually leave town when its finally safe to come out of the bomb shelter and cheer for a team you can get behind? Or am I being a total dick wad and I should focus more on getting laid again?
Feed it to the taint,
Britfar’s Sex Sabbatical
I will kindly refer you back to Drew’s masterful rant on the subject. I very much doubt that Favre will lead the Vikes to the promised land, so your moral quandary won’t be troubling you for long.
Dear Ticklers of the taint:
Sex: What is the official KSK position on sex during a chick’s period? My buddies and I have discussed it and come from three different camps: 1) Ya, who gives a fuck? 2) Only with a condom and if you’re hard-up for some pussy. 3) No, never, it is disgusting.
KSK has yet to hash out an official policy on the subject, but I’m leaning toward numero dos.
Football: Now that Marshall is demanding a trade, what do you think the odds are that he is reunited with Cutlerfucker in Chicago?? I know its a long shot without a first round pick to offer, but a guy can dream right?
Highly unlikely. The Bears already gave up their first rounder in next year’s draft to acquire Cutler, and the Broncos are reportedly demanding a first and a third for Marshall. I doubt they would accept a first two years down the line for him. However, let’s say their asking price drops to a couple second round picks and maybe a third. Even in that scenario you have to ask why would the Broncos deal another skill player to the same team, which would only serve to devalue the picks they already got from them for Cutler? It makes zero sense, which is probably why McDaniels will do it.
Before you read my questions and think, “Fuck this guy, no way I’m gonna help him”, please note that I have a shitty job, terrible family medical history (I’m middle aged at 32), and I follow the most aggravating MLB team, the New York Mets.
How about “fuck this guy, no I’m way I’m going to help him” for stating his baseball allegiance before his football one? Ah, whatever, just spit it out, asshole.
Sex: It’s my birthday on Saturday, and my piece of ass girlfriend said I can have, “Whatever I want.” We’ve already done anal, and she’s said she wants that again, so that’s a given. In the past she’s worn kinky outfits, we have some toys and restraints, and even our vanilla sex can get freaky. So what do I ask for? Pretty much anything other than a three-way would be fine (which is cool, since I had a few before she and I dated), but since we’ve already done a lot of crazy shit, what could be left? Should I just go totally the other way and say, “Just cook me a steak and not talk for a few hours”?
PS-Yeah, I’ll send pictures if you want ‘em.
Please do. Also, it seems like you answered your own question. Unless she get her to indulge your Mr. Met cosplay fantasy.
Football: Isn’t being a Steelers fan the fucking best?
Yeah, it’s mighty sweet. Even if titles in multiple sports in the same year does bring out some annoying byproducts, like this shirt:
Upon seeing this, Ufford claimed “Pittsburgh is the new Boston.” Okay, fine, Ufford hates Pittsburgh and he has his reasons. But let’s be honest here. Does Pittsburgh produce shit like this when they don’t win titles?
Hardly. And, of course, you’ll find a legion of idiot Patriots fans who say the same thing about the Steelers winning the Super Bowl in ’05 and this year because they didn’t play the Pats in the playoffs. All right, in ’05 the Steelers crushed the team that knocked off the Pats and this year they mauled New England in the regular season. It’s not the Steelers’ fault the Pats couldn’t do anything those years. For example, look at the ’06 Colts. The Steelers knocked off Indy en route to winning the Super Bowl the year before, improving their postseason record against the Colts to 5-0. Did any Steelers fans piss and moan that the Colts championship somehow didn’t count because they didn’t get through Pittsburgh? Fuck no, because it’s a retarded contention. But you know Pats fans would’ve pulled that shit if Indy had to go through some other team, rather than force New England to blow the biggest lead in conference championship history that year. However annoying Steelers fans can be (and I’ll concede plenty annoying at times) they’ll never, ever reach the fucktardery of Boston fans.
Football: If/When Brandon Marshall exits Denver, where do you see him stacking up as a fantasy option.? Two years now with 100+ receptions and 1100+ yards, but without a strong-armed quarterback in Denver (or possibly his trade destination), where do you see him performing versus other receivers?
Obviously that depends on where he ends up. If he goes to a run-heavy offense like Baltimore, there might be a slight dent in his numbers. Overall, he’s has to be one of the better options at receiver.
Sex: A couple of things happened recently in the last year,
1) I graduated college,
2) I got my first job in television reporting,
3) that job necessitated a move to Oklahoma, and
4) my girl of three and half years left my ass for another man.
5. I made this list
So now I’ve been in a shitty shitty shitty little town of about 30,000 people, but there are no attractive or intelligent females between the ages of 20-30. Why? Cause there’s no secondary education of any kind in this city. Any girl with the brains or beauty to live a better life has done so. And without any college aged demographic, the towns bars are swimming with thirty something degenerates who never left town to get their own education. So I’m left trolling the town for ass, but can’t seriously begin to find one girl worth my attention, but my libido is running wild because I haven’t gotten laid since my girl dumped me about four months ago. What do I do? Hold out until I can leave this fucking town, or risk the wages of sex with the next retard that walks by simply to suffice my needs? Or how long is too long before that is okay?
Ouf. Not an enviable position. Sounds like you’re in it for a haul, so holding out until you leave town might be a lot to ask. I’d say you could do better than a bar scag, but, as you mentioned, it’s Oklahoma. Seek a transfer immediately.
Fine sirs —
Football first: If Boldin ever gets out of the desert who’s numbers drop more, Quan or Larry Fitz? Do they both get hurt since teams will be able to double-team them? Also, is Anquan EVER getting out of Arizona?
Teams didn’t offer anything above a second rounder for Boldin, and that’s unlikely to change now that another high profile discontented receiver has arrived on the market. Boldin still has two years left on his deal, so there’s not a whole lot of leverage he has here. If, somehow, he does get dealt, I think Fitty will be fine. You forget that they also have Steve Breaston, who’s no slouch either.
Sex: I live in one part of a duplex with an old friend. I have my space, he has his, we have doors separating the two. I always keep mine locked, he doesn’t. This weekend two of my buddies came up for a visit. They wanted to see my friend’s place (he was out of town) so I took them through the door he never locks. Long story short, he left his synthetic vagina/mouth/boobs sex toy on his bed in plain sight. To each his own, but uhh … what’s the protocol here. Do I tell him I saw this weird thing? I can’t pretend I didn’t see it — it the pubic hair covered thing is burned into my mind. Basically, how do I avoid the awkwardness whenever I see him (or hear noises for his place).
Why would you need to talk to him about it? It’s not like it’s child porn. The guy’s an idiot for leaving the stuff out in plain sight with the door unlocked, but you talking to him is a basic admission that you’re up in his shit. If there’s some way of reminding him to be better about privacy without out-and-out calling him a pervert, that’s for the best. But if that involves telling him you know about his nasty collection of sex toys, you’d probably be better off avoiding it.
To those who hath never used the phrase “pork swords,”
SEX: I am in a new city for the summer and want to start dating as soon as possible. Actually I’m really looking for a cop-out that will both fill sexual needs and also get me out of current situations that Chris Cooley might describe as “Fucktown.” I have been “seeing” this girl in my isolated graduate program for about six months–never been anything official. She’s down for anything, including turning over her V-card like it was a valet key, driving more than an hour for a day of meaningless sex, and basically letting me do anything I want to her. When I think about it, I kind of hate her for all of those things, but it’s so readily available.
To complicate things even more, I saw my ex for the first time in a year not too long ago. We got together twice over the course of a month for the most incredible sex we’ve ever had. When we were together it felt like that is how it was supposed to be, but after each encounter I’m more confused than ever about a girl I thought I had been over for a long time.
I feel like I need to date someone soon to have a good summer and distance myself from these disasters. I seem to be too lazy to do anything but take the easiest route to Fucktown, and I see two possible options. What’s the ruling on dating a girl at work if you are just an intern for a few months? Or should I just scam on my housemates’ college-aged friends?
“Oh no, all this obligation-free sex is really bumming me out! What I need is a forced and tedious relationship to assuage whatever misplaced guilt I have for banging skanks and ex-girlfriends!”
I don’t understand the rush to land yourself in a relationship. As far as the internship thing, I think it’s fine to go after a girl that works there unless you feel like you have a realistic shot at getting a full-time job there.
FOOTBALL: I was a Lions fan for a very long time, and I stuck with that team through anything. One day, in all their infinite wisdom, they brought in Mike fucking Martz. That was the last day I have been a fan of a pro football team. I have spent the last few years rooting for players from my alma mater, rooting for players I generally like/are on my fantasy team and hating just about everyone else. It’s been good to me, but I wonder if there is a possibility I might one day be able to adopt a new team without being a total shithead. Did I have my chance, or is there an exception for Lions fans in general?
— Thankfully not from Detroit
No, you can’t switch teams. Tough titty, guy. You chose the Lions and with the Lions you shall stay until they force you into an alcohol-induced coma or they relocate to another town.
Simple football question, which you likely answered elsewhere but too many bourbons and your impossible archives aren’t yielding any answers: Trying to get my college roommates (8 guys + me) to start up a FFL, but I’m not optimistic: our fantasy baseball league is so disinterested that I’m in first–and losing a stats game to a girl who’s terrible at math is like having a dyslexic ESL kid win a spelling bee. What league and site do you endorse for people who love football but are encumbered by busy jobs/breasts? We’re all in different cities, which is also a drag for the draft.
The KSK folks typically use Yahoo and Flea Flicker (which everyone inevitably bitches about and says we should switch to Sportsline, even though it costs money). I’m sure the commenters can offer some more.
Simpler sex question: Ufford, single/attractive? Sports + TV writing, triple swoon. I’m a newly minted Skins fan, so I’m prepared for early disappointment.
Ufford? My stars, he’s a hunk and a half. I keed, I keed. I only give Ufford shit because he gets laid more than I do (not saying much).
However [record scratch] what’s this about being a NEWLY MINTED ‘Skins fan? This suggests you were a fan of some other team until only recently. Which makes you a two-timing cuntcubus. Ufford will still probably bang you though.
I want more like this!
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