“Don’t Worry, It’s Not a Threat to You” Outshined by Dildos, a Loophole in the Bro Code and a Butt Secks Dissenter: The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag
Lovers of sex and warmed-over sex advice rejoice, it is time again for the Internet’s foremost source of counsel from misanthropic sexists. This week, in addition to entertaining a bevy of B-Marsh trade inquiries, we address a wee dicked fellow who frets over his girl’s love of her “Purple Penetrator,” non-fug options for those in Oklahoma, a reader with a carte blanche for any sex act he desire, if it’s okay to bed a girl who’s long since dismissed your friend and, shock of shocks, a guy who bucks the tide of the overwhelmingly favorable anal seeking sentiment on the site. Remember, commenters, torch him, not me.
Hello Internet Sex Robots,
Sexy Time: My girlfriend and I of five or so years live a satisfying, yet admittedly mundane sex life (we only see each other a couple times a month due to school/work, so we take what we can get). Recently we went to a sex shop and picked up your basic run-of-the-mill dildo to spice things up a bit which I dubbed the ‘Purple Penetrator’. Now, at this point a little disclosure is necessary. I admittedly have a pretty undersized wang.
How do I know? If you have ever lived with male roommates and you all tend to drink a lot, there tends to be some drunken nudity,
Say whaa?
and I always noticed that I was a good deal smaller than my other drunken revelers. But that’s not the problem here since what I did notice was that my balls were bigger than anyone else’s. Like way bigger, like pterodactyl egg bigger. Which I not only find hilarious, but also way more satisfying that swinging a big stick. Anyway, the first time the lady and I used the dildo, for lack of a better term, she went, berserk, in a good way. But since then, every time we have sex she doesn’t seem as interested or as into it as when we use the Purple Penetrator. Have I sold my own dick up the river by bringing in a more well endowed piece of silicone? Will she every enjoy the joy of my condor egg, discount brand, undercooked hot dog again?
PS: Probably the best part of the dildo is that the bottom forms a suction cup sort of thing which means it sticks to surfaces. I think it would really toughen up NFL players mentally if they had to do run drills through a barrage of dildos. Sort of like this:
What you’re not considering here is that perhaps it’s not necessarily that your dick is too small, but that you’re just not using it right. She, obviously, has a much better idea about what gets her off and can use the dildo to easily achieve that, rather than having you fumble around in her vag. Be as observant of how she’s using the thing as you are admiring other guy’s junk.
Football Time: I’m a Bears fan and the “Who’s Cutler gonna throw to” horse has been fucked to death already so I’ve got a different type of question. As a displaced fan who can’t afford tickets to games in Chicago, I tend to go to other Midwestern cities to see them play when tickets are cheaper and easier to get. This year it looks like I’m going to Detroit and Cincinnati. I need help coming up with some shit-talking to give to Lions and Bengals fans. The only caveat is that it need to be so soul-crushing that they have no interest in responding to me verbally or physically, since after all, I have a small dick and don’t want to fight any one.
~Outdicked by a Dildo
As someone who very frequently mocks Bengals fans, you need to realize that their team is so wretchedly bad that reminding them their franchise, and by extension their lives, is a joke doesn’t register all that high on the insult scale. One thing I’ve found effective is to remind them that Ken Anderson just finally earned his first Super Bowl ring by being the quarterbacks coach for Ben Roethlisberger. But as a Bears fan, you can’t really apply that one. Stick to calling skyline chili overhyped shit. That’s an old standby for getting them worked up. I imagine the same acceptance of ineptitude applies to the Lions. The Detroit bailout jokes were very much in evidence during the Penguins-Red Wings Stanley Cup Final and they’re already kind of stale, so I figure they’ll be really bad come fall. Just wear a Millen throwback jersey and avoid the empties being hurled at you.
Dear Gay Mafia,
Sex: I met my g/f less than a month ago and although she’s cool and able to keep up with me in bed it’s quickly becoming apparent to me that she’s completely nuts. I’m talking naked pictures sent to my phone within the first week, wants to talk to me 24/7, already told me she loves me, already wants to me to love her back kind of crazy. Since it’s still too early into the relationship for a normal person to be in love yet I’ve told her so, which has only led to her working harder to make me love her. Lately she’s told me how much she enjoys getting off watching girl-on-girl porn and brought up the subject of allowing me to watch her with another girl, as well as the possibility of a threesome and anal in the future. Now that all sounds great and all, but is the crazy worth the reward? And if I’m not sure I can fall in love with this girl, should I feel bad about the possibility I’ll just be using her? P.S. – She lives a half hour away and doesn’t have a car, so at least no matter what happens she can’t stalk me.
Run.
Run away.
Run away and never return. (Okay, maybe once for the threesome).
Fooball: All the stars finally appear to be aligned for the Eagles, is the year they finally win the big one?
UFFORD: And SHE’S the crazy one?
DREW: Actually, I think the Iggles bandwagon will be pretty large when preseason predictions come around.
Yep. They and the Falcons will be very trendy picks in the NFC. Which is probably why the Giants will take it.
Conquistadors of the Cooter,
Football – Where do you think Brandon Marshall will be beating his new girlfriend?
From what I’ve seen, the Browns and the Ravens are the two teams that crop up the most from those speculating about where he’ll end up. In the case of the Browns, it would further necessitate a trade of Braylon Edwards, which some have surmised would be sent to Baltimore, which is retarded. The Ravens have yet to contact Denver, but the move makes sense on several levels. For starters, their receivers blow and they’ve done next to nothing to address that in this offseason. Secondly, between the felonious team history of dealing with Ray Lewis, Jamal Lewis and signing Bam Morris right after a weed/cocaine drug arrest, he’d fit right in with the team culture.
Sex – So quick back story. Last summer my best friend and I got a job at this shitty cafe when we got back from college. There was this amazingly hot cashier girl that is easily a 9/10.
My friend never really had a relationship and I was still dealing with trying to fix shit with my ex (which failed miserably shortly thereafter), so I let him go after her and even helped him reel her in. It was just a summer fling to her but he was pretty devastated when she broke up with him come the fall. Her and I continued to talk though the school year since we were friends anyway. Fast forward a year later and hot cashier girl and I are back from school and we’ve begun to hang out and I can tell there is something there. Here is the predicament, my friend has been trying to talk to her and get back together, but she doesn’t want to. She would rather spend her time with me. I don’t want to get into a relationship or a friends with benefits sort of thing because my friend would more than likely kill me if he found out. So, do I ditch hot cashier girl and keep the best friend I’ve had since 3rd grade? Or talk to him about it and see if he’s okay with it? Or just continue being a scum bag and see if I can get away with it for the summer?
Thanks Gays,
Kevin, Indiana
Yeah, I’m all in favor of bros before hos and all that, but your friend sounds like a bit of a social retard. Should you make yourself suffer because he couldn’t grasp the nature of his fling with this girl and can’t get over it? It’s admirable that you want to spare his feelings, but if it’s a year later and this guy is still going on about this, you getting with her in a way dispels any lingering hope for him. Which could be a good thing, or it could be something he flips out about and resents you for. If it’s the latter, that’s on him. Hopefully he comes to his senses at some point.
Whaddup yo?
Chillin’ and top billin’, dunnie
I will keep this brief. A few months ago people were posting questions on how to get their brown belt, and the advice and the stories were funny. I had just started dating a girl, and she informed me she loved anal. It was her favorite thing!
Even more than curly fries!?
I’d never attempted to delve that area before, and so I was intrigued. Well, I don’t like it. I’m not sure what the hang up is all about. It felt good, but not better than the coochie. What really sucked though was when I pulled out, all I could smell was shit! I ain’t down with that. Maybe if i took some of that Zicam…
We ended up breaking up later, but I wanted to share that. Cuz sex is not fun when immediately afterward you’re cleaning ur junk, taking the trash out, and not just chilling.
Eh, no one said you had to enjoy your walk on the brown side. In fact, the wonders of it have been debunked numerous times by some folks in past mailbag comments, while others can’t get enough of it. No harm if it’s not your thing.
As for my sex question, what’s the word on how to ask a girl to rub my butthole during a blowjob? That feels fantastic, but it kinda feels queer to ask for it.
Interesting hypothesis. From this we should conclude:
Fucking girl in the ass = A-okay, padinah
Having girl rub your asshole while also sucking your dick = Fag city
Yeah, I think that’s pretty stupid. Not sure if you got the rectal rub from this chick, but it can’t be too hard to ask, “Hey, while you’re down there, mind giving the ass crack a good fingerin’? Thanks, love.” Stick with my phrasing if you like.
Football question: I’m a Steelers fan, and my best friend is a Redskins fan. Any chance of a bounty on Dan Snyder this year? I feel badly for him. If I’m lucky, Dan gets popped, and the Steelers face off the ‘Skins in the Super Bowl. It’d be a slaughter though, Jason Campbell vs. our D? Not scary.
SteelersPride
This one hits a little close to home for me considering I’m a Steelers fan who’s spent most of his life in the D.C. area (cue Nestminder and Tim Tebow’s Girlfriends Tits calling me a bandwagon fan in the comments). On one hand, I feel some sympathy for ‘Skins fans, as many of my friends are counted among their fanbase. However, I have lingering painful memories of when the team was actually good in the ’80s and early ’90s and would like to keep those memories safely nestled in the past. Because ‘Skins fans are annoying enough when the team is mediocre. When they’re good, they’re entirely unbearable. (Yes, I realize the inherent hypocrisy of a Steelers fan stating this) Case in point: while at Blogs With Balls this past weekend, Chris Mottram tried to engage me in an argument by saying Jason Campbell was essentially the same quarterback as Ben Roethlisberger, y’know, only with a career QB rating roughly 10 points lower, a lower career average per completion by about 1.5 yards, a career completion percentage of 59.7 to Ben’s 62.4, two fewer Super Bowl rings and the scrambling ability of a tied down circus elephant. Other than that, totally the same.
Anyway, any bounty on Snyder that we could come up with he could easily counter and increase a thousandfold.
What’s up concubinors,
Sex: I’ve been on a real dry spell the past several months and find that when I masturbate I just get it over with quickly. Do you think this sexual sabbatical would be a good time for me to turn myself into the Kenyan Marathon runner of the bedroom I’ve always dreamed about, or do you think that my hand to hand combat won’t translate into the vaginal canal when my next female suitor joins me in my sexual living quarters?
Happy fapping.
Depends on your method of masturbation. Though it sounds as though you’re not ravaging your dick to get it done as quickly as possible, which is probably a good thing for your endurance. Extending the marathon metaphor a little further, your performance free of anxiety and pressure when running/jerking it by yourself isn’t the same when running/fucking with others.
Football: I’m a Vikings fan, have been since I was a child (pre-uncle molestation). I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this Britfar situation. I have hated him for almost 20 years, made fun of his pill addiction, his wife beating, his alcohol, his womanizing (look it up), and of course his fame whoring…I’ve done it all. Now I’m supposed to just tell myself he’s another washed up quarterback in a long line of washed up Vikings quarterbacks? This isn’t Wade Wilson, Jim McMahon, Warren Moon, or Fussy Gussy…this is the anti-Christ. If the Vikings win with him (which I don’t think is a lock), I’m selling out right? So the question is, if your team sells its soul to the devil, do you go along for the dirty ride down the anal rabbit hole? Do you ride the Denny Green high road and wait for Chilly and Favre to eventually leave town when its finally safe to come out of the bomb shelter and cheer for a team you can get behind? Or am I being a total dick wad and I should focus more on getting laid again?
Feed it to the taint,
Britfar’s Sex Sabbatical
I will kindly refer you back to Drew’s masterful rant on the subject. I very much doubt that Favre will lead the Vikes to the promised land, so your moral quandary won’t be troubling you for long.
Dear Ticklers of the taint:
Sex: What is the official KSK position on sex during a chick’s period? My buddies and I have discussed it and come from three different camps: 1) Ya, who gives a fuck? 2) Only with a condom and if you’re hard-up for some pussy. 3) No, never, it is disgusting.
KSK has yet to hash out an official policy on the subject, but I’m leaning toward numero dos.
Football: Now that Marshall is demanding a trade, what do you think the odds are that he is reunited with Cutlerfucker in Chicago?? I know its a long shot without a first round pick to offer, but a guy can dream right?
Highly unlikely. The Bears already gave up their first rounder in next year’s draft to acquire Cutler, and the Broncos are reportedly demanding a first and a third for Marshall. I doubt they would accept a first two years down the line for him. However, let’s say their asking price drops to a couple second round picks and maybe a third. Even in that scenario you have to ask why would the Broncos deal another skill player to the same team, which would only serve to devalue the picks they already got from them for Cutler? It makes zero sense, which is probably why McDaniels will do it.
Dear KSK,
Before you read my questions and think, “Fuck this guy, no way I’m gonna help him”, please note that I have a shitty job, terrible family medical history (I’m middle aged at 32), and I follow the most aggravating MLB team, the New York Mets.
How about “fuck this guy, no I’m way I’m going to help him” for stating his baseball allegiance before his football one? Ah, whatever, just spit it out, asshole.
Sex: It’s my birthday on Saturday, and my piece of ass girlfriend said I can have, “Whatever I want.” We’ve already done anal, and she’s said she wants that again, so that’s a given. In the past she’s worn kinky outfits, we have some toys and restraints, and even our vanilla sex can get freaky. So what do I ask for? Pretty much anything other than a three-way would be fine (which is cool, since I had a few before she and I dated), but since we’ve already done a lot of crazy shit, what could be left? Should I just go totally the other way and say, “Just cook me a steak and not talk for a few hours”?
PS-Yeah, I’ll send pictures if you want ‘em.
Please do. Also, it seems like you answered your own question. Unless she get her to indulge your Mr. Met cosplay fantasy.
Football: Isn’t being a Steelers fan the fucking best?
Yeah, it’s mighty sweet. Even if titles in multiple sports in the same year does bring out some annoying byproducts, like this shirt:
Upon seeing this, Ufford claimed “Pittsburgh is the new Boston.” Okay, fine, Ufford hates Pittsburgh and he has his reasons. But let’s be honest here. Does Pittsburgh produce shit like this when they don’t win titles?
Hardly. And, of course, you’ll find a legion of idiot Patriots fans who say the same thing about the Steelers winning the Super Bowl in ‘05 and this year because they didn’t play the Pats in the playoffs. All right, in ‘05 the Steelers crushed the team that knocked off the Pats and this year they mauled New England in the regular season. It’s not the Steelers’ fault the Pats couldn’t do anything those years. For example, look at the ‘06 Colts. The Steelers knocked off Indy en route to winning the Super Bowl the year before, improving their postseason record against the Colts to 5-0. Did any Steelers fans piss and moan that the Colts championship somehow didn’t count because they didn’t get through Pittsburgh? Fuck no, because it’s a retarded contention. But you know Pats fans would’ve pulled that shit if Indy had to go through some other team, rather than force New England to blow the biggest lead in conference championship history that year. However annoying Steelers fans can be (and I’ll concede plenty annoying at times) they’ll never, ever reach the fucktardery of Boston fans.
KSK:
Football: If/When Brandon Marshall exits Denver, where do you see him stacking up as a fantasy option.? Two years now with 100+ receptions and 1100+ yards, but without a strong-armed quarterback in Denver (or possibly his trade destination), where do you see him performing versus other receivers?
Obviously that depends on where he ends up. If he goes to a run-heavy offense like Baltimore, there might be a slight dent in his numbers. Overall, he’s has to be one of the better options at receiver.
Sex: A couple of things happened recently in the last year,
1) I graduated college,
2) I got my first job in television reporting,
3) that job necessitated a move to Oklahoma, and
4) my girl of three and half years left my ass for another man.
5. I made this list
So now I’ve been in a shitty shitty shitty little town of about 30,000 people, but there are no attractive or intelligent females between the ages of 20-30. Why? Cause there’s no secondary education of any kind in this city. Any girl with the brains or beauty to live a better life has done so. And without any college aged demographic, the towns bars are swimming with thirty something degenerates who never left town to get their own education. So I’m left trolling the town for ass, but can’t seriously begin to find one girl worth my attention, but my libido is running wild because I haven’t gotten laid since my girl dumped me about four months ago. What do I do? Hold out until I can leave this fucking town, or risk the wages of sex with the next retard that walks by simply to suffice my needs? Or how long is too long before that is okay?
Ouf. Not an enviable position. Sounds like you’re in it for a haul, so holding out until you leave town might be a lot to ask. I’d say you could do better than a bar scag, but, as you mentioned, it’s Oklahoma. Seek a transfer immediately.
Fine sirs –
Football first: If Boldin ever gets out of the desert who’s numbers drop more, Quan or Larry Fitz? Do they both get hurt since teams will be able to double-team them? Also, is Anquan EVER getting out of Arizona?
Teams didn’t offer anything above a second rounder for Boldin, and that’s unlikely to change now that another high profile discontented receiver has arrived on the market. Boldin still has two years left on his deal, so there’s not a whole lot of leverage he has here. If, somehow, he does get dealt, I think Fitty will be fine. You forget that they also have Steve Breaston, who’s no slouch either.
Sex: I live in one part of a duplex with an old friend. I have my space, he has his, we have doors separating the two. I always keep mine locked, he doesn’t. This weekend two of my buddies came up for a visit. They wanted to see my friend’s place (he was out of town) so I took them through the door he never locks. Long story short, he left his synthetic vagina/mouth/boobs sex toy on his bed in plain sight. To each his own, but uhh … what’s the protocol here. Do I tell him I saw this weird thing? I can’t pretend I didn’t see it — it the pubic hair covered thing is burned into my mind. Basically, how do I avoid the awkwardness whenever I see him (or hear noises for his place).
Why would you need to talk to him about it? It’s not like it’s child porn. The guy’s an idiot for leaving the stuff out in plain sight with the door unlocked, but you talking to him is a basic admission that you’re up in his shit. If there’s some way of reminding him to be better about privacy without out-and-out calling him a pervert, that’s for the best. But if that involves telling him you know about his nasty collection of sex toys, you’d probably be better off avoiding it.
To those who hath never used the phrase “pork swords,”
SEX: I am in a new city for the summer and want to start dating as soon as possible. Actually I’m really looking for a cop-out that will both fill sexual needs and also get me out of current situations that Chris Cooley might describe as “Fucktown.” I have been “seeing” this girl in my isolated graduate program for about six months–never been anything official. She’s down for anything, including turning over her V-card like it was a valet key, driving more than an hour for a day of meaningless sex, and basically letting me do anything I want to her. When I think about it, I kind of hate her for all of those things, but it’s so readily available.
To complicate things even more, I saw my ex for the first time in a year not too long ago. We got together twice over the course of a month for the most incredible sex we’ve ever had. When we were together it felt like that is how it was supposed to be, but after each encounter I’m more confused than ever about a girl I thought I had been over for a long time.
I feel like I need to date someone soon to have a good summer and distance myself from these disasters. I seem to be too lazy to do anything but take the easiest route to Fucktown, and I see two possible options. What’s the ruling on dating a girl at work if you are just an intern for a few months? Or should I just scam on my housemates’ college-aged friends?
“Oh no, all this obligation-free sex is really bumming me out! What I need is a forced and tedious relationship to assuage whatever misplaced guilt I have for banging skanks and ex-girlfriends!”
I don’t understand the rush to land yourself in a relationship. As far as the internship thing, I think it’s fine to go after a girl that works there unless you feel like you have a realistic shot at getting a full-time job there.
FOOTBALL: I was a Lions fan for a very long time, and I stuck with that team through anything. One day, in all their infinite wisdom, they brought in Mike fucking Martz. That was the last day I have been a fan of a pro football team. I have spent the last few years rooting for players from my alma mater, rooting for players I generally like/are on my fantasy team and hating just about everyone else. It’s been good to me, but I wonder if there is a possibility I might one day be able to adopt a new team without being a total shithead. Did I have my chance, or is there an exception for Lions fans in general?
– Thankfully not from Detroit
No, you can’t switch teams. Tough titty, guy. You chose the Lions and with the Lions you shall stay until they force you into an alcohol-induced coma or they relocate to another town.
Gentlemen,
Simple football question, which you likely answered elsewhere but too many bourbons and your impossible archives aren’t yielding any answers: Trying to get my college roommates (8 guys + me) to start up a FFL, but I’m not optimistic: our fantasy baseball league is so disinterested that I’m in first–and losing a stats game to a girl who’s terrible at math is like having a dyslexic ESL kid win a spelling bee. What league and site do you endorse for people who love football but are encumbered by busy jobs/breasts? We’re all in different cities, which is also a drag for the draft.
The KSK folks typically use Yahoo and Flea Flicker (which everyone inevitably bitches about and says we should switch to Sportsline, even though it costs money). I’m sure the commenters can offer some more.
Simpler sex question: Ufford, single/attractive? Sports + TV writing, triple swoon. I’m a newly minted Skins fan, so I’m prepared for early disappointment.
-Kristina
Ufford? My stars, he’s a hunk and a half. I keed, I keed. I only give Ufford shit because he gets laid more than I do (not saying much).
However [record scratch] what’s this about being a NEWLY MINTED ‘Skins fan? This suggests you were a fan of some other team until only recently. Which makes you a two-timing cuntcubus. Ufford will still probably bang you though.
Tags: Bmarsh, Our readers really like anal, the KSK football sex advice mailbag, xmas ape
June 18th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Damned dildos.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Agreed! That picture of Ufford looks awfully rapey. Western style snap shirt with that shit eating grin. He has that look on his face that says “I may or may not be feeling my own junk right now”
June 18th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Tell Kristina to send pictures.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Rape on the first date? Count me in!
June 18th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Show a picture of Ufford’s kick ass rape van.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Small town Oklahoma, ouch. Online dating would be like 5 steps up from that.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
fanball is a decent ff site…..their baseball and other sports suck. it is pay site tho….i have found yahoo is the best free site.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
@ Guy in Oklahoma: “Secondary education” = high school.
/tedious pedant
@ guy whose girl has done it all, please consult the Nasty Fetish Tournament. Ideas abound.
And finally, second to Skins fans being jackasses, who call into talk radio to discuss their chances of Super Bowl victory when the team is 2-4 on Week 7. Fuck the Skins. They deserve Snyder and his shitty decisions.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“what’s the word on how to ask a girl to rub my butthole during a blowjob? That feels fantastic, but it kinda feels queer to ask for it.”
Just ask her. To paraphrase Chris Rock, if you use a little bass in your voice and sound confident, she will do that shit. she is DYING to do that shit. (well, she’s maybe not dying to specifically rub your ass…..but you get the idea)
June 18th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
I see no reason to use any other site than Yahoo for fantasy football, and their charge for real time scoring for the season is reasonable.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@UU
I hate, hate, HATE yahoo fantasy games, but go along reluctantly because the rest of the league wants to use it.
I much prefer ESPN (gasp!), have never had any problems with it, and their games have been free for the last few years now.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Oklahoma Guy: Take the advice of the barber from “Coming to America”… go to a church on Sunday. The available women (probably divorcees, but you sound desperate) will probably be of higher quality than the bar scags and you will be a novelty since you’re “new in town”.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Dildo Boy: You fucked up. Never ever introduce any penetrating object that is more than 1.5x your natural dick length. If you wanted to spice up your sex life, you should have bought a pocket rocket or vibrating egg or anal beads. Something which wouldn’t compete with your equipment.
The thing about pussies is they are easily trained. You can teach them to accept any size, girth, or angle of cock as long as you know how to use it. But once you introduce a competing (larger) model, then you’re in trouble. Take her dildo away and buy one of the toys I suggested above. Over time, you should be able to break her of her habit.
Cashier Man: What it sounds like is you set your loser friend up with a woman out of his league. He realizes he’ll never get a woman that hot again so he’s desperately trying to hold on to her. So the only way out of it is to set him up with a somebody of comparable quality.
Bros before Hos is definitely applicable. If you hadn’t set him up, I could agree with the “He’s being a baby, etc” answer but you have to accept some responsibility for creating the situation. If you can’t distract your friend by scoring him a stripper or Brazillian cam girl, you have to let Hot Cashier Girl go.
Butthole Rubber: First off, if you get shit on your junk during anal, you’re an idiot. There’s no way for that to happen unless you’re banging drunken bar whores like in 40 Year Old Virgin. If you have a gf, all you do is make sure she doesn’t eat Taco Bell Fire Tacos for like 3-4 hours before hand and then buy a box of Baby Wipes to prepare the area.
Actually, everybody sexually active should have Baby Wipes on hand. I see no reason why your woman shouldn’t have to make sure her area is clean and pleasant smelling before each and every session.
As for how to get her to finger your ass, first make sure you have your area maintained (no DINGLEBERRIES). Then tell her that you heard men really enjoy having their prostate massaged while getting head. If she’s not a self-absorbed bitch, she’ll ask you for more info and then you can broach the subject without feeling gay.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
@Funkhauser
What kind of asshole listens to sports talk radio for a team he doesn’t even follow?
June 18th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
@Rob in WI, I disagree. I’ve done ESPN fantasy games also and like Yahoo better.
FaFoSiFlaWa!
/fantasy football site flame war
June 18th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Regardless of ESPN’s Evil Empire status, their free, real time scoring is pretty clutch
June 18th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Re: Brittfar @ Vikes
I will abandon my Viking fandom for the duration of his tenure with the team. I know we’re cheering for laundry and that shit anyway, but the guy’s a fuckin’ megadouche, has been the Vikes’ nemesis for over a decade, and I want to have nothing to do with his petty, revenge-inspired shenanigans.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
@UU
Oh… it’s ON!
June 18th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
re: sex during periods
do it in the shower – no need for a condom
do it on the bed – put a towel underneath
re: dildos
I had a girl that used it to warm herself up for me (she would use it on herself while giving me head) and it made getting her off easier for me afterward. i didnt feel like any less of a man, we both got what we wanted out of the sex. no complaints.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Anal, Steeelers, Steelers, Steeelers.
Dildo, Steeelers, Steelers, Steelers.
Oklahoma no sex, Steelers, Steeelers, Steelers.
Birthday sex, Steelers, Steelers, Steelers.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Why am I not surprised that a Steelers fan likes something stuck up his butt?
June 18th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I have used yahoo all 8 years I’ve been playing ff. I have never used the live scoring and don’t intend to. I get off on looking up all the stats in box scores on sunday night and adding it up myself. I have never had any problems with it.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
#1 fanball blows. Poor support, we used them for 6 years and are moving on to cbs.
#2 Birthday boy, have her dress up as Keith Hernandez. The mustache will tickle your butthole when she goes down on you.
#3 SexSabbatical, you’re really sensitive, some would say that’s a plus.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@Okla tv dude: Bang a few local skanks, just don’t tell them you are a tv reporter until you want to dump them and then tell them you’re working on a meth story. That should send them running.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Period sex with a one-nighter or fuckbuddy = no go. Period sex in a committed relationship = bound to happen sooner or later. As lil’ wayne said up there, that’s what showers and towels are for.
So we have pics of Ufford AND his dog today. Sounds like somebody’s too lazy to just write their own damn Yahoo personals profile.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Hope you changed the state because I know what town you are talking about. If it is the one, I say head to Dallas for the weekend.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Ted, I’m going with…. Ardmore for $500!
June 18th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Ufford looks like an extra in True Blood.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
good call on the advice for ripping on Bengal fans (me being one) say what you want about them, we dont fucking care…but ripping on Skyline Chili, that is some fightin words damn it! Oh to prepare the dildo guy, rip on Skyline and Goldstar at the same time, that way you cover your chili bases down here.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
@katni
I saw your picture on CPSL’s site. It felt weird knowing it and not saying anything, like i was hiding some dark secret. so i had to let you know. that is all.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
- Purple dildo guy : Have I sold my own dick up the river by bringing in a more well endowed piece of silicone? Will she every enjoy the joy of my condor egg, discount brand, undercooked hot dog again?
Yes, and no, respectively. Also, that pic rocks.
- Crazy gf guy : Watch her fuck a chick, fuck both of them up the ass all night long, then the next morning, say you’re going for some smokes and move to another city. preferably in another country.
Okay, seriously for a second
- Kevin, : He tried it with her, it didn’t work for her. That doesn’t mean she’s somehow now unavailable to YOU because he once hooked up with her. Tell him you really like her and want to date her. If he freaks out, he’s a giant fucking douchebag, and you need to tell him that to his fucking face. It’s one thing if he’s pining for her, and you’re fucking her in secret before he ever had a shot.
But AFTER they broke up, and she’s not into him anymore? Fuck that. If we started following those rules, no guy could ever fuck any girl ever again, because undoubtedly SOME buddy of yours had a thing for her at some point in the fucking past. Let’s not get fucking overboard here.
Tell him, then date her.
!!!!!! Also, if she’s a 9, we need pics. This is a new KSK mailbag rule that I propose, because the Mailbag readers are ALL dating 9s, and I’m pretty sure there’s not that many 9s in the fucking world. All in favor of new rule, say aye!
- Shit on my dick guy : This is why they invented enemas. To clean that shit out. Do you think porn stars naturally have completely clean assholes? You never see the part where the crew brings in a firehose to clean her entrails before the anal gangbang starts.
Clean first, then fuck. Simple mantra to live by.
- Jesus, those are some amazing tits.
- Sex on the rag : Yes, and yes. Oh, and yes. The girl is usually super horny and what else is the problem? Do it in the shower if you’re that worried about blood on your dick.
Damn, this mailbag is long…
June 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Outlicked: Do you masturbate to the imaginary slut’s desires? Of course not. That said, find out what she likes and repeat as best you can.
Crazy GF: Get in as much as you can get and change your locks, buy a new phone and have a ticket to the other end of the country ready at all times.
Kevin: If you think this girl is worth trashing a lifelong friendship, go for it.
SteelersPride: Look, you got your rusty trombone. STFU and let us poor losers hope for our day to come. And just ask.
Brittfar: Masturbation is all about pleasing yourself. Sex is about pleasing yourself and your partner…hopefully.
Tickler: Number 2…and she gets no oral lovin’
Lucky Met MF: Anal outdoors?
Okie: Uh…do they not have airports in Oklahoma? Take a flight to Vegas or Miami or anywhere else for a weekend and get that fixed.
Sex Dummy: Would you feel compelled to talk if you saw his 401k? Or his bank statement? Leave it alone.
Detroit: Don’t do a co-worker if you want a job there. Nail the college-aged sluts.
Kristina: after those blogging millions?
June 18th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
lil’ wayne chrebet said it all right above me. I agree and do the same thing.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@ Needs More Cheerleaders:
Aye!
June 18th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Dude stuck in Oklahoma : What town are you in? Do you have a car? If so, why aren’t you driving to Stillwater every single fucking night, where HOT Oklahoma State coeds practically FALL FROM THE FUCKING TREES?
Alternatively, drive to Tulsa. Or to Oklahoma City.
Is there some kind of fucking law that says you have to stay in fucking Bartlesville? That’s where you’re at it, isn’t it? It sure sounds like Bartlesville. It’s a 40 minute drive to downtown Tulsa. Your dry spell is because you’re too lazy to drive 45 minutes for some poon.
- Thankfully not from Detroit : Die in a fucking fire. “Oh no, I have two chicks doing everything I want sexually, I’m so fucking bummed out.”
No, really. Find the nearest fire, fucking jump into it, then masturbate. All your sex problems will be solved.
- Parting words. Trust Boston to come up with some way to make the Celtics’ failure to beat fucking ORLANDO to be somehow evidence that LA’s championship doesn’t mean anything. Congratulations, Boston, you’re now more fucking pathetic than Labradoodle owners. Fucking cockwits.
- That picture of Ufford (is that Ufford?) at the bottom ruined my good mood I picked up from seeing Giant Japanese Tits. So that sucks.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Outdicked brings up an issue I’ve been wondering about for some time. For a chick, how many sex toys is too many? How many would she have to own for you to be, like, “OK, that’s fuckin’ weird.”
Eagle guy: Run far away. And possibly change your number when you cut her loose. Why is she so desperate to be with you, anyway? Do you look like Denzel Washington and do gold krugerrands shoot out of your dick when you come?
Kevin, Indiana: The three of you cannot be in the same place at the same time. There will only be strife if you’re all working together, so one of you needs to get a job somewhere else.
SteelersPride: If you like your asshole being touched while you’re getting head, wait until she gives you a rimmer! You’re gonna die…OF JOY!
Period sex guy: We’ve talked about this before, guy, go back and do your research (my official opinion: It’s great. Go for it. Don’t forget lube.)
Met fan: Next.
Oklahoma snob/whiner: NEXT!
Duplex: Sneak in there again and get a photo of this thing because now my curiosity is piqued.
Thankfully not from Detroit: Why are you so desperate to get a girlfriend? Actually, we should set you up with Eagle guy’s chick if you want a girlfriend that badly.
Kristina: Ufford’s great if you like faux-vintage snap-front shirts.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
- That picture of Ufford (is that Ufford?) at the bottom ruined my good mood I picked up from seeing Giant Japanese Tits. So that sucks.
Will the sight of Ufford-tits replace the horror of mouth-eyes?
June 18th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Hey, I was around when that picture was taken and he barely raped me.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@ Clare,
For a chick, how many sex toys is too many? How many would she have to own for you to be, like, “OK, that’s fuckin’ weird.
There’s a limit? To me, the more sex toys a girl owns, the kinkier she probably is. This is a problem?
Babe, buy a hundred. Seriously.
@ RBP,
Will the sight of Ufford-tits replace the horror of mouth-eyes?
Okay, I think now I don’t want to have sex again for the rest of the whole damn year. THANKS!!!! :|
June 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Will the sight of Ufford-tits replace the horror of mouth-eyes?
I’m almost afraid to ask… but can we get Ufford mouth eyes?
June 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
What town in OK are we talking about? Is it really far from a somewhat-respectably-sized city? Yeah, if it’s Ardmore, Dallas is an easy drive. Actually, that would be ideal; close enough that it’s worth a drive to get laid, but not so close that whatever chick you end up hooking up with will be able to drop by all the time (unless she has nothing better to do). I’m gonna disagree with the church advice. Don’t go trolling for ass at church. And why the fuck would you want to go to church, anyway?
RE “Thankfully not from Detroit” sounds like a keeper.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
If you’re a Met fan, you’ve been getting anal for years, only as Gary Carter, not Tom Seaver, if you catch my drift.
/done with baseball
June 18th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
For a chick, how many sex toys is too many? How many would she have to own for you to be, like, “OK, that’s fuckin’ weird.
It’s kind of like guy with porn. There’s a line between normal, adventurous and creepy. Be adventurous and not creepy.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@clare
i met a girl at Boston U that took me back to her room and opened one of her drawers – one of those deep, bottom drawers that you stack all your text books in. so, the whole drawer was filled to the top with all types of different toys. she took everything out and laid it all out on her bed. she was very proud of her collection. i didnt think it was weird, i was more impressed than anything. i know it might be a guy’s mentality, but i think i’d have a similar collection if i was a chick. i dont think there’s anything too weird about it. i dont understand why so many girls are missing out by not having any toys.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
The number of displaced Pittsburghers in the DC Metro area is ridiculous. I moved to Fairfax County a couple of years ago, and it seems like at least half the people here are Steelers fans.
Also, Pittsburghers are obnoxious, but we’re really only obnoxious about the Steelers and Penguins. not only do we fully admit how terrible the Pirates are, most of us freely admit that the city itself is (more or less) a shit hole filled with fat rednecks. Bostonians can not only admit any sports weaknesses (even in the Bruins), they cannot admit that there is anything wrong with the city of Boston.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Why was the “I rape on the first date” tag removed from the photo?
June 18th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Dildo – pillow under her lower back when you lay it on her…philip roth suggested that to me when i was a wee lad and you’ll give the perception of having a monster cock in no time. My equip is average at best but they say I deliver big. Never used a dildo on a broad but got a few to quit using them…
Don’t be scared fo the red tide, it will be appreciated and returned to you tenfold
June 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
RE “This is why they invented enemas. To clean that shit out. Do you think porn stars naturally have completely clean assholes? You never see the part where the crew brings in a firehose to clean her entrails before the anal gangbang starts. Clean first, then fuck. Simple mantra to live by.”
Or, just put the penis in the vagina and you don’t have to do any of that other shit.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@Slash and all the ass haters.
Vagina is for homos. The ass is where it’s at.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Or, just put the penis in the vagina and you don’t have to do any of that other shit.
Yeah, but they piss out of that hole.
Solution as always is oral.
/pig
June 18th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Kevin From Indiana:
You almost got me, it’s a trick question. There are no hot 9 outta 10 Cashiers in Indiana.
Walker, from Indiana too
June 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
However [record scratch] what’s this about being a NEWLY MINTED ‘Skins fan? This suggests you were a fan of some other team until only recently. Which makes you a two-timing cuntcubus. .
My money’s on Cincinnati. Detroit fans…sure, it sucks, but they literally cannot get worse. The only possibility would be if they duplicated their ridiculous levels of fail in a season with 17 or 18 games, but that looks unlikely at best. Cincinnati, on the other hand, have plenty of distance left to fall before they hit rock bottom.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Why is Ufford dressed like he’s going to shoot a Bacardi Mojito commercial?
June 18th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Why is Ufford dressed like he’s going to shoot a Bacardi Mojito commercial?
Wait, there are GUYS in Bacardi Mojito commercials?
June 18th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I get off on looking up all the stats in box scores on sunday night and adding it up myself.
I think we need to add that one to the worst sexual fetishes tournament next year.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Birthday Boy -
When your gf says that you can do anything you want because it’s your special day, she’s really saying that she wants to be incredibly adventurous but feels better saying it’s for your benefit rather than giving the impression she’s a freaky whore (not that she is). Think the Seinfeld episode where the dude intentionally lost the bet to Elaine so he’s have a built in excuse to buy her dinner.
She will be pretty upset if all she gets that day is a good steak and may revolt by scaling back on the exploits for the rest of the year.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@Clare,
The physics involved with coins traveling through my urethra makes me queasy. I don’t care how much gold is selling for these days. Please take more care with your male emissions-related analogies.
Other than that, I love your show……..
June 18th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Wait, there are GUYS in Bacardi Mojito commercials?
Bacardi…and Cola. And Cola’s little cousin, Diet Cola.
Oh wait, those aren’t eh Mojito ads. Those just feature chicks dancing in Miami clubs.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Those just feature chicks dancing in Miami clubs.
Best.Ads.Ever.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
That photo of Ufford was posted in compliance with Megan’s Law.
You’ve been warned, people!
June 18th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
No way I’m reading all of that.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Uffords got a pussy stuck around his mouth. Clean yourself up.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
What’s Megan Fox’s Law?
June 18th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
@ Boxfiend: You just think you got a few to quit using them.
@ Dildo guy:
1 – Why were you running around naked with boners with your male roommates? Because that’s the only way you can actually compare yourself to them. You know that right?
2 – As happy as you are about your giant balls, please know that chicks don’t give one shit about the size of balls. In fact, larger balls get in the way and are a little bit creepy.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
This is just a personal preference and not a demand, but I’d like to see Flubby answer a mailbag one of these weeks.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Hey new Okie, go to a large little town like OK City, Tulsa, Stillwater or Dallas. Hot chicks and ugly ass dudes. Oink.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
No way I’m reading all of that.
And people wonder why commenters get banned.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
RE TurleyGirlie Says:
“As happy as you are about your giant balls, please know that chicks don’t give one shit about the size of balls. In fact, larger balls get in the way and are a little bit creepy.”
Agree, for the most part. I mean, I wouldn’t judge someone on the size of said balls (unless they were freakishly large or small), but large balls aren’t a particular turn-on for me, and I haven’t heard most other chicks express their preference for large balls, I think this is a guy thing. As for dick size, um, well, there’s undersized and then there’s undersized. I kind of agree that it seems unwise to bring in a dildo that’s significantly bigger than your wang. Although, the advantage of a man over a dildo is that the dildo won’t take you out to dinner, so there’s that. Now that you’ve opened Pandora’s Box, so to speak, just try to enjoy the results, as lil’ wayne chrebet suggests.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Just watched that ‘Hey LA’ video.
I can never remember how to tie the bowline–the rabbit comes up out of his hole, goes around the tree, then back in the hole? How on earth can I share the first three digits of my SSN with these people?
June 18th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
If he goes to a non-existent offense like Baltimore, there might be a slight dent in his numbers.
Fixed.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
After reading this mailbag for weeks, I can now safely say: God, you people are fucked up.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Also, I appreciate the Ufford pic. K, the embroidered flowers on the shirt are a little… fem, but otherwise… hawt.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
the advantage of a man over a dildo is that the dildo won’t take you out to dinner, so there’s that.
Who knows what technology could be like in 10 years.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Oklahoma guy…as a former broadcast journalist…there is young up-and-coming weather-girl ass in that newsroom and you know it!
June 18th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
“And people wonder why commenters get banned.”
Oh, Ape… don’t be so sensitive, I’m just lazy. One would think you’d still be in a good mood after the SB.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
the dildo won’t take you out to dinner, so there’s that.
Nah, Peter King takes people to Capitol Grille all the time.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I gotta be honest, I’ve never understood only liking 1 team and hating all other 31 teams. I started watching FB in 2nd grade when STL didn’t have a team. My family watched what was on TV at the time, around 91-92. The Steelers, Cowboys, and Bills were all over the place and I loved the Steelers. When we got the Rams I started cheering for them as well cuz they are my home team, but I didn’t stop loving the Steelers. I started following the Steelers a little more because of the awesome physical D, and Bill Cowher doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat. Now the Steelers have obviously been more dominant then the Rams over the past few years and I cheered my freaking head off for em, even went to the Steelers/Rams game where fast Willie broke his leg. I hope the Rams aren’t piss this year and I think we got a lot of good building blocks. This should all be fine. Especiall since we all cheer for bunch of teams on Sunday cuz of the Fantasy implications.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
And people wonder why commenters get banned.
They do? What am I still doing here then?
June 18th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Enough of this sex talk.
Can we hear more about the Steelers?
June 18th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Enough of this sex talk.
Can we hear more about the Steelers?
To Ape, it’s all the same thing.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Slothrop, down the hole, pull on two sides of line together. FIRMLY.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
It pains me to say this, but when it comes to annoying fan bases, Boston does finish just ahead of Pittsburgh. The sheer tonnage of douche needed to catch up to those Mass-holes would overflow the Allegheny River, anyway.
Ape, you guys are the Josef Stalin to Boston’s Adolf Hitler. Happy now?
June 18th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
@FunnyScreenName: Having two favorite teams is like having two girlfriends. And not in a good way.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:02 am
My wife to be (fiancee sounds so gay) is from Pittsburgh and this shit has to stop! Pens beat the Wings at home in Game 7? I talked so much trash. Damn. Damn. Damn.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Changing an NFL team is not allowed. Never has been.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:26 am
RE Otto Man Says:
“Nah, Peter King takes people to Capitol Grille all the time.”
Peter King can’t be a dildo because I find it difficult to believe he has ever satisfied a woman.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Couple of suggestions.
Smaller than a dildo guy: That sucks. Especially the small dick part. I just want you to know that when she leaves she will be taking the dildo with her. And if for some bizarre reason you gave her a ring? She’ll take that too.
Crazy chick guy: What Ape said. Crazy never goes away.
Cashier guy: It is a written code in the bro handbook. Ask him first.
Anal dissenter guy: It really shouldn’t stink. Also, ask her for “The Tidy Bowl”.
Brittfar: Sorry this may take a moment. I have been a fan of this team since the first time I saw the purple people eaters (Eller, Page, Marshall and Larsen) and I’m kinda fucked up over this current situation myself. I can’t say anything that Drew didn’t so eloquently state already. I hate that fucking hillbilly with a hatred that has never been hated before. But I will cheer on my boys. Just won’t say the guys name. Won’t watch the interviews and sure as hell won’t buy the lump of possum shits’ jersey. Fuck! Still going to watch us play this year.
Oklahoma guy: Fuck.
Duplex guy: You didn’t really get in to his shit, but you probably shouldn’t go in another mans lair when the man ain’t there. Don’t say a damn thing.
Fantasy football site. I do one on Yahoo every year but my favorite is NFL.com. No, hear me out. They have a league news feature where anyone can post a picture – any picture you want – and you can do a banner headline, caption for the photo as well as a league news story. It is fucking brilliant.
@ NMC: “Aye”
Clare: There is no limit. We like that in a woman.
I love you.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:05 am
“Oh no, I’ve had mind-blowing sex with two different girls and now I’m more confused than ever!”
Try being stationed in Abilene Fucking Texas and having some real problems!
/town is littered with single moms ages 19 and up.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Oklahoma Guy: Find a sheep. They’re willing…
June 19th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Having two favorite teams is like having two girlfriends. And not in a good way.
Totally agreed. I don’t know why it bothers me so much but when the Sonics got moved to OKC (ughhhhhhhh) 90% of their fans jumped on the Blazers bandwagon and as an Oregonian that shit pissed me off to no end. I guess now I know how the Pats fans pre-Brady feel. But if I’m a ‘Hawks and Mariners fan, does that make me a hypocrite? Oh the conundrum!
June 19th, 2009 at 2:34 am
There’s not 5 fans from Seattle that would jump on the Blazers bandwagon. Oregon is an aberration of the West coast. No one denies this!
June 19th, 2009 at 6:26 am
If the header hadn’t mentioned dildos, I would’ve thought those things were baguettes.
June 19th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Peter King can’t be a dildo because I find it difficult to believe he has ever satisfied a woman.
Point taken.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:38 am
You are NOT allowed to have more than one favorite NFL team. It’s the Devil’s Threesome. The only acceptable alternative is to root against your hometown team, as I do with the Lions. It’s a bit like picking the wrench, but still, fuck you William Clay Ford.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Even with all their stupid songs, Pittsburgh fans will never come close to the douchery of Boston fans. They’re on a level all their own.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:08 am
My wife to be (fiancee sounds so gay)
Nothing gayer than being engaged to a woman. Homo.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Birthday boy: Ask for some asshole licking while she jerks you off.
Small dick guy: Huge difference between limp dicks and hard dicks. Mine is like a frightened turtle most of the time but is slightly above average when hard. Odds are you’re probably not as far behind as you think. I heard once that the smaller your dick is when limp the more it stretches out when hard. Not sure if that’s true.
Plus, any size works if you know how to use it. My current has a few toys but prefers a real, live penis any day and twice on Sundays.
On the rag = No problems. Just scrub up afterward.
June 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am
When I was in high school I was in a production of Oklahoma (insert gay joke here). It’s cool, cuz I was the lead. Anyway, the costumer pulled all these gay fucking dress-up cowboy shirts out of the woodwork and put fringe on the sleeve, and we wore them for the dream sequence. I hated those damn shirts. And I SHIT YOU NOT, the shirt I wore was the EXACT SHIRT UFFORD HAS ON in that picture. From the flowers below either shoulder to the mother of pearl snap buttons on both breast pockets, the color, it’s the same shirt.
And YOU’RE WEARING IT. You’re wearing a gay cowboy’s dream sequence shirt. I bet if that picture was from a slightly wider angle, we could see the fringe too.
The end.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I rarely come across Steelers fans. I’m always bumping into douchey Boston bandwagon fans. Steeler fans have a lot of catching up to do.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@Thankfully not from Detroit
Based on both your sex (should I feel guilty for mindless sex?) and football (I quit on my team, what should I do?) questions, the answer is obvious…You’re gay and the sooner you admit it, the sooner both of those problems go away.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Ufford takes my “whitest non-albino man in the universe” title. Go outside, dude or wallow in some coffee grounds. Holy shit, you look transparent.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
@ Kevin
I agree with Needs More Cheerleaders- guys could never date a girl because odd are, at some point one of your friends DID like her. I dated one of my fraternity brother’s exes for a bit, and the girl just started working in my office. Other guys here are sniffing around, and you know what? Good for them. I would be totally douche for me to come along now and say to them, you can’t date, I used to in college…
Seriously, that guy just needs to sit down with his friend first and let him know the deal. I can tell you from experience, its worked.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Oh, and G0 STEELERS!
Thank you and goodnight.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You know, growing up in Jersey, most people are fans of the Giants or Jets. My father played football in Europe (read soccer) and when he came over, wasn’t much into the NFL. I had no football legacy to inherit. However, growing up, I used to watch and admire certain players, like Jerome Bettis. Eventually, it turned into die hard fandom. Fuck the closer teams and their players (I’m looking at you Eli, McNabb, and Johnny Damon, er Mark Sanchez).
Anyway, my point is this- I just don’t get all you fags who cry bandwagon/homer/your fans suck/whatever. In grade school, I remember being called a frontrunner because I cheered the Steelers… by a Cowboys fan. That’s right, fucking Dallas fans in fucking NJ calling ME a frontrunner. Sports idiocy abounds everywhere.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@ Guy with crazy girl: It is no doubt that she is crazy, however your situation springs off two different scenarios.
1) She is freaky sex-crazy or 2) She is crazy over you and wants to hook you in by promising these things.
In the end, since your at least 30 minutes away, ride this shit out as long as possible.
@ Kevin: Clearly, “Bro Code” is thrown out the window here. True you have been friends with this person for a long time but if he cannot tell that girl is not into him and she clearly stated that she is not, it’s not your fault.
You could technically have her tell him and your almost off the hook since he’ll blame her instead of you.
@ Intern Guy: Clearly there is no issue since your an intern and even if you do get a job, worst case scenario is that you would probably fill out a stupid form if you become an “item.”
In the terms of the girl who will drive an hour for meaningless sex: The Problem is what, exactly?
In terms of your ex-girlfriend: RUN THE HELL AWAY, What is with dudes and sex with the ex, only bad things can happen from that ish.
In conclusion, stop looking for a relationship and enjoy yourself.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Thanks for posting, I