Cloudy With a Chance of Carrion Crows
The Wall Street Journal takes a moment away from cranking out my pointillism portrait to remind us that the Cleveland Browns of Baltimore were almost named the Baltimore Marauders, which rolls off the tongue similarly enough to “murderers” to just maybe work. But, alas, the team took the name of a scavenger bird that figured heavily in a famous short story poem written by an author who had little connection to Baltimore other than the fact that he was buried in it. Unless, of course, they took their name from that WCW wrestler, which, while quizzical, but would explain a lot of the sulking of the fanbase. Or Raven Symone, who, like Ray Lewis, started out as a charming little girl, but then killed some folks (I’m assuming. She does work for Disney) and gained way too much weight.
/Charm City looks okay when you’re driving past it on 95
//that’s a lie; it still looks wretched
///has no use for Baltimore other than to make tasteless jokes about Chinasaurus
Tags: FEARSOME RAVENS FANS, hate, Ratbirds, squeaka squeaka squeeee, still time to change it to Baltimore Barksdales, xmas ape
June 8th, 2009 at 8:27 am
hahahahahaha, yes.
fuck the ravens.
fuck them hard.
June 8th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I buy all my crack in Baltimore.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:22 am
I have friends there. The crabcakes are good. Nice aquarium. That is all I believe.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:46 am
http://www.esquire.com/bestbars/
and apparently the best bar in the U.S.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:12 am
The bar must sell good crack.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Don’t be too hard on Baltimore. It gave us The Wire.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Don’t be too hard on Baltimore. It gave us The Wire.
And 13 year old hookers, so…
June 8th, 2009 at 10:36 am
And the far superior Homicide: Life on the Streets.
Yeah, I said it. Braugher FTW.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:48 am
“in a famous short story written by an author who had little connection to Baltimore other than the fact that he was buried in it”
So, still more connection than Ape has to Pittsburgh.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Don’t be too hard on Baltimore. It gave us The Wire.
…which portrayed the city as a drug-ridden shithole.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:57 am
So, still more connection than Ape has to Pittsburgh.
And they were so close to naming the team the Pittsburgh Christmas Apes!
/knows he’s beaten Nest when he reverts to bandwagon fan insults
June 8th, 2009 at 11:06 am
BODYMORE MURDERLAND
June 8th, 2009 at 11:26 am
But, alas, the team took the name of a scavenger bird that figured heavily in a famous short story written by an author who had little connection to Baltimore other than the fact that he was buried in it.
Actually, he lived in Baltimore off-and-on for his adult life, which is a pretty strong connection for someone who was basically a drifter.
/Other than that, fuck Baltimore
June 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hate to be that guy, but “The Raven” is a poem, not a short story.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Ah, yes it is. Fixed.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
And they were so close to naming the team the Pittsburgh Christmas Apes!
Since they’re not the “Poes” wouldn’t they have to be something like the Pittsburgh Choco Tacos or the Pittsburgh Rongrastnames?
June 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Or the Pittsburgh Bikebikebikebikebikebikebikes?
June 8th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Or the Pittsburgh PEWPEWPEWS?
June 8th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
the HARFHARFHARFs
June 8th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Here’s a good one for you ape: http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/news/crime/blog/2009/06/business_says_crime_forcing_it.html
June 8th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
The Ravens lacks the bitter irony of a Pittsburgh team being named The Steelers in the 21st century.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Don’t forget the Pittsburgh Smirres or the Pittsburgh HARFHARFHARFS
June 8th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
The Ravens lacks the bitter irony of a Pittsburgh team being named The Steelers in the 21st century.
OMIGAH! And there aren’t any more gold rush prospectors in California. THE 49ERS SHOULD CHANGE THEIR NAME TOO!!!1!
June 8th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
ZOMG Edgard Allen Poe might not have spent every waking moment in Baltimore! THE RAVENS IS A TOTALLY DISINGENUOUS AND GAY NAME LOLZ!!
June 8th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Edgard Allen Poe might not have spent every waking moment in Baltimore!
Or, phrased differently, he spent maybe three or four of his 40 years there. He spent more of his life in Philly and Boston (and Richmond) than Bmore. They can change their teams to the Pits and the Pendulums!
POEFLAWA!!!
/most tedious argument evah
June 8th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
By the same token, Pittsburgh was never home to more than 50% of America’s Steel industry. The Colts and Browns could just as easily be called the Refiners and Steelmen.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Yes, but are Indy or Cleveland referred to as “The Steel City”? I don’t think anyone contests that that is Pittsburgh’s former identity, whereas Philly has questioned Baltimore’s place in Poe’s legacy. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/06/us/06poe.html
But whatever – this is really tiresome, so from now on Bawlmer can be “The Town That Poe Built.”
June 8th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
One scholar in Philadelphia disputes Baltimore’s claim to Poe, ergo Baltimore’s claim to Poe is questionable and invalidates any logical reason for naming a team The Ravens, despite the fact that The Raven was written in Baltimore.
“this is really tiresome”
Defending hypocritical logic can be exhausting.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I didn’t say it invalidates any logical reasoning for the name. I just say it’s a flimsy argument to claim that the author, who happened to write most (but not all) of the Raven in Baltimore and most of his other significant works in Philly, embodies the identity of the city. Wanna use H.L. Mencken? Go for it. Poe? Not so much.
Defending logic against someone who wants to bend it so liberally is exhausting.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
The Ancient Greeks spent zero time in Tennessee. The number of New Orleans residents who have been canonized by the Roman Catholic Church is minimal, but Viking explorers did make it all the way to Minnesota. It’s true.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
The Utah Jazz makes sense though.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Right, but the team is named “The Ravens” not “The Edgar Allen Poe’s.” Furthermore, as you’ve pointed out so many times, Fearsome Ravens Fans wear purple camouflage, which is in no way the embodiment of Edgar Allen Poe’s identity. As an obvious Fearsome Ravens Fan myself, I honestly can’t remember any time where anything relating to Poe (besides The Raven) was ever invoked by anyone, except for maybe Tony Kornheiser.
Perhaps it’s a bit silly that the Ravens walking stadium mascots are named “Edgar” “Allen” and “Poe.” However, having an effeminate homosexual mascot named Steely McBeam is probably as unrepresentative of Pittsburgh steel workers as the Ravens mascots are of Poe’s connection to Baltimore.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I’m pretty sure that Edgar Allan Poe was from Boston.
OW-AH POEMS AH MORE-AH SPINE-TINGLING THAN YOUR-AH POEMS!!!!
NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
June 8th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
How ’bout the Baltimore Annabel Lees?
June 8th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Of all the inane arguments I’ve gotten into in the KSK comments section, this one ranks… somewhere in the middle.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Ape said: They can change their teams to the Pits and the Pendulums!
But then the Steelers will have to be renamed the Telltale Harfs.
/bound for Bawlmer this week to improve writing skills. Fuck me.