‘Baby Owns Her Trauma, NOW GIVE HER THE WHIP!’ The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag
In last week’s mailbag, one emailer faced the temptation of his brother’s wife’s advances, and promised to send KSK the nude picture that said siren used to tempt him. Since then, many commenters and emailers have wondered why we haven’t posted this picture, because, uh… we always post naked pictures of anonymous women? Oh wait, we never do that. Sorry, that picture is a perk for the KSK staff only.
And just between us, it is FANTASTIC. Suckas!
In this week’s bag, we dole out advice to a masochistic Seahawks fan — is there any other kind? — envy an Arizona grad with a sexy dilemma, and revisit our advice to virgins and people exploring the world of herpes-sex. All that and more after the jump. Take off your pants and join me, won’t you?
Dearest Cockmonkeys,
SEX: Since it’s pertinent to the question, I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, went through years of therapy, am a perfectly happy and functional adult now, have a great marriage, etc. As a teenager I got into a lot of self-destructive sexual behaviors, blah, blah, blah, I don’t engage in them anymore. The root of the issue is that I also can’t orgasm unless hardcore S&M porn is happening on my computer or in my head and even then it’s not nearly as much fun as it is when I use bargain basement methods to do it to myself.
Wow, sorry about the sexueal abuse, but I’m impressed by your adjustment. And so is Sado-Bunny:
I have finally accepted that I am a masochist for life, nothing is going to change that, and sex is simply not going to be any fun for me unless we stop pussyfooting around with handcuffs and spankings and my husband really starts hurting me. I don’t have any issues with the psychology of this (doing it with someone I love and trust for sexual gratification being different from doing it with some random skeezy fuckhead out of twisted self-loathing – thanks, therapy!). I just need some advice on how to handle it with my husband. I’ve brought it up sort of tangentially over the past few months, so this is hardly coming out of left field for him, it’s just that he doesn’t have a sadistic bone in his body and I kind of doubt his ability to go hardcore on me. How can I make sure he doesn’t pussy out? Can you recommend any resources for opening his mind to the joys of sadism? Should I sign him up for dominatrix training? Promise him anal in exchange for carving me up with sharp, poky things? Baby owns her trauma, NOW GIVE HER THE WHIP!
My God. That letter was hot and terrifying, like unprotected sex with Lindsay Lohan. It’s good and healthy that you know what works for you, and you certainly deserve to have a fulfilling sex life. While the promise of anal and dominatrix classes (they have those?) both sound like good ideas, I’d try to appeal to your husband’s desire to satisfy you. Most men will go to great lengths to get their ladies off, and maybe you guys can work out a one-for-one deal — for every time he whips you with the cat-o’-nine-tails, you indulge in one of his fantasies. RAWR sexy compromises!
FOOTBALL: Speaking of masochism, I’m a Seahawks fan. With a choke-ready NFC, a surprisingly lucrative draft, the addition of Housh and a soft division, am I delusional for starting to maybe think about considering them as contenders next season?
Talk hard, gentlemen,
The Eat Me Beat Me Lady
Contenders for the NFC West? Eh, maybe. But I wouldn’t hope for much of playoff run. There are an awful lot of question marks on that Seahawks team, such as the offensive line and an aging Matt Unhealthyback. Plus there’s the known commodity of shittiness that is the worst free safety in all of pro football, Brian Fucking Russell. Not exactly a feather in your cap when your main division rival has Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald.
Not to be pessimistic, but I expect the greatest thing about being a Seahawks fan in 2009 will be cheering against the Broncos every week. Oh man, I can’t wait for the ‘Hawks to get Sam Bradford with the Broncos’ #1 pick.
Great Pontificators of Poon,
I am a lifelong Minnesota resident and have recently made the misguided decision to enroll at UW – Madison for grad school. Putting aside the moral, health and happiness issues stemming from this choice, I have two questions for you guys:
Football: As a huge fan of all Minnesota teams except the Wolves (NBA is the gay), how do I survive fall weekends in Madison? I plan on attending Badger games, but face ejection from the will (and possible seppuku) if I cheer for the home team.
Umm, I’m a little confused by your syntax. As you’re an actual student at Madison, you’re allowed to root for the Badgers without violating Fan Loyalty Code Rule 83 (b), as long as they’re not facing Minnesota. Or, if you’re imbued with enough hate to cheer against the home team, that’s fine, too. Just wear neutral colors and don’t be a loudmouth.
As for Sundays, should I just off myself if TarVar is starting again this fall?
Even if they don’t make Weekend at Brettie’s 2, they’re still more likely to start Rosencopter than Tarvaris Jackson.
Sex: I’ve got an pretty cool girlfriend (read: likes watching football) and I’d like to keep things going while she stays back in Minneapolis. Recommend some porn sites/breathing exercises to help me keep my snake in its cage.
I’ve got a better idea: make sure you both have webcams, and go download Skype. If you’re gonna be jerkin’ it, you may as well let it contribute to your relationship.
Purveyors of the Hater-aid,
Football Question First: As a New England fan *ducks empties*, I passed on Dreamboat for QB two years ago, only to watch him come damn close to breaking a ton of records, beating me in the playoffs, and then losing the freakin’ SB to top it off. Last year, I was fortunate enough to be too low on the list to draft him, and saved myself a heart attack.
Not me. Thanks, Bernard Pollard! I didn’t want production from my #1 pick anyway!
With a surgically repaired knee, and a system that caters to not having the QB move too much, do you see TB as a value type of acquisition, or is he going to be back in the 1st/2nd round this season?
Hmm. My hunch is that Brady will be a top-five fantasy quarterback in terms of numbers, but you can’t expect the ridiculous numbers he put up in 2007. Depending on how the draft goes, I’d hold off until the 3rd round in a 12-team league.
Sexy Question: How dirty is too dirty when it comes to dirty talk in the sack? My current is phenomenal, but definitely anti-denigrating speech. Is there a way to get her to loosen up a little bit in case I let some porn dialogue slip during the deed, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
Yours,
A Non-Masshole Douchebag
How dirty is too dirty is up to your girlfriend. But if you’re looking to get some racier dialogue, I recommend baby steps. Just the mere act of talking during sex — y’know, instead of grunting with your eyes closed while you think about someone more attractive — is a good step. “I love the way you do X” or “I love the way your Y feels” or “You turn me on so much” are nice and clean ways to open up communication during sex. Consider it “gateway talk” on the way to calling her your little truck-stop whore.
Dear Viceroys of Vag,
Football first, because I don’t care about much else. Last year I drafted DeSean Jackson in the late rounds of my fantasy league to be my third WR option and he turned out to be pretty good. He finished the year with around 118 points and I finished third in my league (which is WAAAAY better than I usually do). This year I’m gonna stay away from Jackson (’cause I think he’s gonna have a sophmore slump, despite being an Eagles fan), but should I expect the same fantasy production out of Philly rookie Jeremy Maclin? All the “experts” in the city of brotherly love can’t stop sucking his cock.
I think of Maclin as having a Jericho Cotchery kind of season — he’ll have a game or two where he gets away for two long touchdowns while he’s on your bench, then you start him the next week and he gives you 2 catches for 16 yards. And I don’t have any reason whatsoever for feeling this way, but there it is. Solid advice from a guy who’s barely made it into the fantasy playoffs the last two years.
As for sex, well I’m not having it. In fact I’m still a card-carrying virgin at 21. After learning that a friend of mine was bending bitches over tables at the spry age of 16, I’ve decided to get my shit in gear. There’s this girl I’ve been talking to for a couple weeks now, and I’ve led on that I liked her more than once. But she’s just not gettin the idea. A buddy of mine told me that she got out of a relationship a while back and is kinda nervous to get back into the swing of things because it apparently got real ugly toward the end. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, just some ass. So am I wasting my time here with what seems to be “damaged goods”?
Sincerely,
I hate the Emo Iggles fans
Yes. Also, please see last week’s advice for aging virgins.
Football: Do you believe Fitzgerald is a legitimate first round pick, or is it a reach? I know standard thinking has rb/qb in the first round, but with the ongoing uncertainty around Boldin and Fitzgerald’s unreal postseason run, is he a better value than the sixth best rb or declining Peyton?
Manning’s no longer a first-round pick. Period. That said, the nefarious rise of running-back-by-committee has devalued running backs in general, so you should be open to drafting other positions beginning in the late first round. Is Fitty the man to take? I don’t know. Common sense tells me that Fitzgerald’s meastiness in the post-season will make us overvalue him come draft time, but it’s hard to argue with the consistency he displayed in 2008 — even when his yardage dropped, he had a tendency to find the end zone.
Sex: So I’ve been dating this girl since November, great girl, lofty girl. She really is great: hot, down for whatever, hangs out with the guys while we watch basketball/football, fucks whenever, the whole shebang. The thing is I just graduated from the University of Arizona and she has a year left, and as I am going to the Peace Corps in August we have an understanding that we will have fun now and break up when the time comes, no hard feelings.
Since she is leaving to go abroad in about two weeks I just have to be a good guy until then and then I can end a good relationship on a good note with a clear conscious. But… there is this friend of a friend, an amazingly gorgeous chick who put out the word that she was into me and I tried to slow play it until my girlfriend left, but things happened and long story short I hooked up with her about a week ago and have a couple times since. So now I am alternating nights between my awesome girlfriend who I really want to do right by, and this unbelievable 19-year-old chick who is way out of my league so I can’t say no to.
Now I know the right thing to do is be a stand up guy with my girlfriend for these last two weeks since she has been so perfect and I genuinely care about her, but part of me realizes that jeopardizing a summer of banging this super hot chick for two weeks of “being a good guy” might be shortsighted. And like I said we are breaking up anyway.
So in your guys’ opinion, should I 1) give the young hottie excuses as to why I can’t hang out and focus on my gf for the next two weeks? 2) dump the gf now by saying some bullshit like “I feel myself drifting away and starting to think like a a single guy as we get closer to going our separate ways, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt you, so maybe we should be break up now,”? or 3) keep banging both on alternating nights and hope it doesn’t blow up?
I’m pretty sure some/most of your readers might say no shit that I should keep banging both, but I don’t really want to be “that guy.” Help me out.
Brandon
Oof. This is a tough one. I can’t in good conscience give you the green light to keep hooking up with both. I’d recommend effecting the break-up two weeks early. You’re already breaking up, right? Go ahead and tell her you met someone else, and that it would be unfair to both of you to keep going for another two weeks when you’re both moving on to other things.
Gentlemen,
I’ve been dating a girl for a month now and am really excited about her. She’s into good music, we have a good time together, and she loves making jokes about rape and abortion.
Ooh, a keeper!
We agreed to take it slow in the bedroom which is cool with me because fucking right away hasn’t really worked out so far. The catch is last night she told me she has herpes. Can you or the commenters help me out with how concerned I should be? I’ve gone my whole life without an STD and I’d like to keep it that way. I think she’s worth dealing with it for. I just want to be responsible.
Ah, the herp. Allow me to reprint what Drew wrote about it three months ago:
I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes.[...]
The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!
Who can we count on for stable performers in the backfield this year? Every single guy seems so high risk/ high reward. Guys are either unproven, injury risks, old, young, etc. I’ll sacrifice potential for stability. My heart can’t take it.
HERPES…DO NOT WANT
In no particular order: Purple Jesus. Chris Johnson. Matt Forte. Michael Turner. Those are my guesses for the safest picks. Not necessarily the most productive picks — the least likely to make you go bald and/or be suicidal on Sunday nights.
Sex: I had a casual hookup relationship with a friend a whiles back which ended as well as such a thing could: we went our separate ways, both moving to new locations and we still keep in touch. Now, fate soon brings me back to where she is living, which is fine, as I enjoy her friendship, only now, in my desperation to find a roommate to help split living costs, I may end up having to ask her to live with me. We’d get along great, only, I know she has feelings for me and this could end up totally awkward if we were living together and I got into a relationship with someone else. So, do I try to find someone else to live with?
YES.
Do I live with her and just avoid bringing anyone home?
NO! Are you insane?
This has the potential to be a terribly strange living situation.
If by “strange” you mean “awful,” then yes. I’d rather roll the dice with anyone on Craigslist than enter into what you’re talking about.
Football: Will Lee Evans have a breakout year this year? He usually does ok season-long (though he is very on and off depending on the week), but with T.O. lining up, he’s going to draw single coverage with the number 2 corner, so is he worth picking as a top 1 or 2 receiver in a fantasy league?
You make an excellent point; I’ve been so ingrained to avoid Lee Evans like underage girls that I hadn’t considered the likelihood that he’ll face more favorable coverages. On the other hand, what team has T.O. ever played on where the #2 receiver got fantasy-worthy looks? How’d that Roy Williams trade work out for Dallas? As much as I like your thinking, I’d have to stick with the status quo here. the status quo being “Don’t Lee Evans fuck over your fantasy team.”
Tags: captain caveman, I would travel through time to bone Betttie Page, the KSK football sex advice mailbag
June 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
You’re not going to share the photo?
Well, fuck you then.
And Ape’s book can buy its own damned self.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Eat Me Beat Me Lady – If you’re in Seattle, look up the Sex Positive Community Center (formerly known as the Wet Spot). More than enough resources to get your hubby in the right frame of mind.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
To the roommate guy, fuck that noise. Get a second a job before letting her move in.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Also, posting a picture of Sado-Bunny does not make up for not posting the nude picture of that guys sister-in-law.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Don’t bogart the naked pic. That’s just wrong
June 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Not sharing the photo is absolutely the right thing to do. Good choice. Lofty choice.
/hopes to get a copy in his (will not be published) but (required) email soon.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Brandon — A couple weeks isn’t too long to play double-agent. Keep banging them both because you’ll need the spank bank memories when you’re in the Peace Corps trying to avoid third-world VD.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
@I hate the Emo Iggles fans:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Desean’s in the endzone
And the ball’s on the two
/Happened twice
//Fuck the eagles
June 11th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
/reiterates Deux Duex Deux’s sentiment
June 11th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Post the sister-in-law pic and I’ll email topless pics of my ex-girlfriend.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Dirty talk guy- how do you know she’s not into it? Has she specifically said “don’t EVER call me your dirty little slut again”? Did it bring an abrupt end to the action last time you tried it? Did you pull out the smut talk at the totally wrong moment (i.e. while you were gazing lovingly into her eyes and not when you were, say, bending her over the dining room table)? Timing is everything with such matters, I’ve found.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Yeah! Where else are we going to find pictures of naked women on the Internet?
June 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
@Katni: Good advice, you flithy skank.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
also to say you dont have a history of posting images of anonymous women is not correct, while she wasnt naked that one dude bat shit crazy ex wife with the huge fun bags and fugly face, you posted that.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Deux Deux Deux is absolutely right on the money! *psst- forward it to me if it works!*
June 11th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I have to agree with Jigga, peace corps dude. You’ve already cheated on her, you’re breaking up anyway, there’s clearly no Future-with-a-capital-F there, so, get your kicks while you can.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
NEVER. NEVER NEVER NEVER. Never live with a girl you are not going to marry. NEVER. I can’t fucking say it enough. I wish I could speak a different language to reach all you Latins out there. It’s thee worst idea, EVER.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
EatMeBeatMe–As a connoisseur of the finest internet BDSMs myself, I would STRONGLY recommend pointing him in the direction of the many fine resources available; there are some good video sites (if nothing else the pictures are hot), but even better in my opinion are the stories available at places like ‘Literotica’. Check things out yourself, find the ones that get you going, then kindly suggest (maybe while playing with his or your junk) that he begin familiarizing himself.
Herp Dude–Drew’s advice was spot on (i was the person who asked the question, and while the relationship only lasted 3 months, it failed because i want to be single, not because of the h-bomb) so follow it. You’ll be totally fine, particularly if shes on Valtrex. Don’t stress it.
Brandon–Fuck these pussies. You are leaving for a while, you are obviously a good person in general as evidenced by your Peace Corps’ng, and I am sure you are crafty enough to pull this off. What she don’t know won’t hurt her, and love isnt zero sum; just because you are walling out some 19 year old kitten, doesn’t mean you love your girl any less, so why overly complicate things and hurt her by breaking up when thats due in a short short while anyway?
June 11th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
A Non-Masshole Douchebag, maybe your girlfriend just hate the song “Talk Dirty to Me” by Poison?
June 11th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I’ve had multiple male roommates, DH, and they’ve all been far more sane situations than the times I’ve lived with other women. That guy’s situation is shitty because they had some semblance of a relationship prior to now. THAT’S a bad idea.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
IT WAS ONE BAD PICTURE! THE REST WERE FINE!
/someone get me out of this hole stat please.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
@Rocco: You just can’t help yourself, can you?
June 11th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
As for dirty talk, I dont think you can go wrong ever by calling them a ’slut’, ‘cunt’, ‘little whore bitch’ or any version of the those.
Also, you should always yell “DROPPING FUCKING LOADS!” when youre finishing up.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
rocco at least the boobies were big.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Oh, Roommate Guy. DON’T MOVE IN. Live at the freaking Y, for God’s sack.
I’ve been your friend. She’ll think, “Oh, we’re just friends, it’s no biggie.” Then you’ll get lonely/horny one night, she’ll be wearing (on purpose) some sexy thang, and you’ll hook up again. You’ll both brush it off as a one-time thing, but then you’ll bring home a girl, or get a girlfriend.
And then your rabbit will be boiled.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Most effective way to segue into dirty talk (and have them be way into it) is via phone sex. Hot phone sex = ‘fuck me like you own me, daddy’ 1 week later
June 11th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
But that is not a confession.
JUST A WARNING.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I’m potentially in a similar situation with the girl roommate thing. She’s a hot ex-stripper turned nurse working in St. Croix who’s possibly moving back in July. We’ve had previous relations, have maintained our friendship, and the roommate thing has come up before (she let the lease run out on her apartment here and would need to find a new place anyway). While the help with the mortgage would be nice (single income household now that the bat-shit crazy ex is gone), am I asking for disaster? Or do the potential benefits outweigh the potential negatives? (For those of you who may recall, this is the girl who visited for a week, but she didn’t end up staying at my place.) Is this two years of loneliness rearing it’s dark, ill-advised head?
June 11th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
@CB: Not really. I feel an odd need to defend a wrongly accused butterface. BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER ASSHOLES! But yeah, she did have the most perfect boobs I’ve ever seen. And real too.
/Why didn’t I just use the Batgirl pic? WTF Rocco.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
@Rocco, maybe it’s not too late to use the Batgirl pic.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I actually have similar thoughts on both Mr. Needsalotta Dirtytalk and Ms. Spanky Q. Masochist up there. The absolute best way to introduce new levels of fun — be they linguistic or leather-based — into the bedroom is to start talking about them outside the confines of the bedroom itself. A few salacious emails hinting at your baser desires that turn into sexually charged discussions in which you can both honestly state your feelings about something is a much easier place to start than demanding a dildo up your ass in flagrante delicto. A good sex life is something that permeates your whole relationship — how much hotter is a night of sex, for example, then when you come home to it after having spent a night out at a party sending each other filthy text messages while socializing, or after a day of swapping naughty emails that have you ravenous? This is something the BDSM community has gotten exactly right, as well-developed dom-sub relationships involve levels of trust and control in the bedroom that take constant cultivation and a great deal of care. Preparing your partner for your desires in bed should start outside of it (going to a sex shop together, for example, is an awesome way to talk about boundaries and wishes).
Also, in keeping with a few comments from above: it’s a great idea to get involved in a community if you’re going for a serious BDSM relationship.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
*than not then
June 11th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@UU: It was up on Flickr. Just deleted all those pics. That was a great Halloween party though.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
There’s plenty of ways you can dirty talk without necessarily insulting her or her vagina. Like Katni said, when you’re fucking, preferably in a male-dominating position, slip in something like, “aw you like how hard I fuck you” or something pretty benign like that. See what she does and go from there.
/wonders how she went almost 20 years of life without sex.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I think FMRA needs her own weekly sex mailbag. Not that’d I’d ever want to miss the Slayers of Cocks’ side of things though.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Sorry, that picture is a perk for the KSK staff only.
They finally found a perk!
/Still inexplicably curious about that picture
June 11th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I can’t imagine a man can be turned into a dom if he’s not already into it. And it sounds like she’s into hardcore freaky shit; Baby wants to see blood. That just gives me the huhhhs.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Can’t they blur out the face or the NSFW parts?
/Never sending naked pics to KSK
//Never sending any pics to KSK again
June 11th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Peace corps dude, you’ve already broken up with her, keep banging the hottie.
Roommate guy, is there any way you two moving in together ends well?
Eat me Beat me, I can’t offer any advice, but I wish you well.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Blur out the NSFW parts of the pic and let us see the hottie.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Eat Me Beat Me: You’re going to have to work at getting your husband comfortable with “hurting” you.
Minnesota: Good luck trying to make it work…but like bacon cheese fries in WI, it won’t last.
Douchebag: Get her talking…and always make the talk about her.
Emo Iggle: Don’t go down that route. Damaged goods take a while and you don’t want a while. You want it now.
Brandon: If uber-hottie can’t wait (they never do), do the right thing and break up with gf. Do it in a way you can still be friends with her and see her off.
Herp Boy: Just watch out for the breakouts. Damn you Derek Jeter for giving NYC the herp!
Live-In: Think about it this way: how’d you feel if she was banging Lexington Steele next door all night long for you to hear? Don’t do it.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I’m having an Emo Eagles day today so this will be brief.
Masshole: You can get away with anything by calling her pretty or beautiful or a hot fucking piece of ass immediately before you call her daddy’s little come slut. Works particularly well if she’s rather homely.
Brandon: Girls know. If this inevitable breakup is going to be so amicable, man up and do it now. And when you break it off, leave out the thing about fucking the 19-year-old nympho–erring on the side of politeness with a lie of omission can’t go wrong.
Roommate guy: Don’t you DARE move in with that girl unless you’re planning to put a ring on it.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@ Claude Ball:
Douchebag, I told you they wouldn’t publish the pic
June 11th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
fuck that noise, blur out the face and give me the NSFW parts!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Guys, they obviously didn’t receive any dirty pics. Not posting it is a crock of shit because every Sexy Friday they link to oodles and oodles of NSFW stuff. We’re expected to believe now all of a sudden they found morals? Yeah, right. Congratulations on creating a frenzy over a non-existent picture from a probably phony question, KSK.
As for the people in need of advice:
Dirty Talker: You’re SOL. Girls are either into dirty talk or they aren’t. It’s not some they can learn to enjoy like rim jobs or anal fisting. Keep your mouth shut and enjoy the phenomenal sex. I guarantee if you try to push it by slipping in a “hot creamy cunt” or “good little cocksucker” into the festivities, it will bring about nothing but problems.
Eat Me Beat Me: You are fucked. Why would you marry a guy BEFORE gauging his sadomasochistic tendencies? If that is something you need in order to get off, you should have broached that BEFORE the I dos. Again, this is something people are either wired for or they aren’t. You can’t take Vanilla Joe off the street and show him Insex.com videos for a couple hours and expect him to become Master Bob. It’s either a part of your personality or it isn’t and if it isn’t (as you seem to indicate), he won’t learn to be a fucked up sadistic asshole no matter how much WiredPussy he watches.
BTW, sweetie, your therapist is a fucktard who should be sued for malpractice if he’s honestly telling you that deriving sexual pleasure from hardcore beatings is “owning your trauma.”
June 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Is Roommate guy being misunderstood? I took it to mean he’d be getting a place, and she would move in with him. Not sure if that makes any difference. It just sounded to me like he needs the help with rent, etc., and would be asking her to move in as a roommate. Hence the similarity to my (potential) situation. I have a (potentially) vested interest in your opinions.
And yes, the thought of the girl friend roommate bringing home some guy has crossed my mind. I’m on the fence about that one still. However, does the potential for bringing a girl home change the equation?
June 11th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
@ Masochist Lady: In the immortal words of X to the Z, Xzibit: “Choke me, spank me, pull my hair.” Wow, just wow. But hey, whatever works for you. I’m sure you’re husband will do what it takes to make you happy, even if it means flaying your skin with a scourge.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
“I can’t in good conscience give you the green light to keep hooking up with both. ”
I can.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@Rocco: I understood it the same way — he’s looking to move, needs a roomie and the girl is willing (and it seems eager) to bunk up.
If they were just friends, it’d be no problem. But since there’s the hint that she wants something more, to give her the chance to be there everyday could turn as one of our fine ladies stated into a bunny-boiling situation. Or, the reverse could prove true, he could develop a desire for her and she may end up not wanting him. How comfortable is he going to be when she’s got two guys in her bedroom and he’s got Rocco Sifredi’s Biggest Hits Vol. 3 as a partner?
Unless there’s no chance of sex, don’t room.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@CobraCommander:
No, you discouraged them from doing so. There’s a big fuck-you-you-cock-gobbling-killjoy difference between the two.
I hold you responsible for the ruination of this site.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Eat Me Beat Me Lady,
I’m sorry to say that most guys really can’t be taught to become Sadists. That’s something you have in you, or you don’t. You can teach a guy to eat pussy, you can teach a guy to lick your asshole, you can teach a guy to like having you play with his taint, but you can’t teach him to ENJOY giving someone else pain. That’s a mental makeup as much as anything else.
People are into the BDSM lifestyle (and the SM part is the hardest one of the three to get ‘used’ to), or they’re not.
You can try to explain it to him gently and slowly lead him along, but if he doesn’t enjoy giving someone pain, he’s never going to learn to enjoy it either. And in sex, if a guy isn’t enjoying what he’s doing, the fun and passion gets sucked out the sex quicker than Brett Michael’s cum did with the Rock Of Love Bus girls.
I think in the end it’s gonna boil down to, do you want to have fun, or do you want him to have fun? I’m not sure you’re both going to get it in the same session…
Btw, you need to fucking knee the fucker who abused you in the balls a few thousand times. With a fucking spike.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
This bag was crazy. Crazy in a good way.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Brandon,
I think if you and your current gf are really that cool with breaking up in two weeks, if you explain to her that you’ve probably found someone else, and you’d really like to see her, she should be okay with you breaking up two weeks early.
However, you’re still a fucking douche for fucking the other chick while you were still WITH your gf…
Also, your gf is quite likely to get all weepy and emo because you found someone else so quickly, and that must mean you really didn’t care much for her, and she’s going to take years to get over you and how COULD YOU possibly get over her so quickly and blablablablabla. Women are all insane.
In any case, stop fucking both of them. If your gf finds out, shit will get REALLY wacked.
Roomie guy,
Do NOT shack up with a girl who has feelings for you. Her mind is NOT, repeat NOT going to see the difference between being “just a roommate” and “We’re living together.”
Before you know it, she’s making plans for you both to go see her family this weekend, and she signed you up for a pottery class on Sunday afternoons. DO.NOT.LET.HER.INTO.YOUR.CRIB.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I give Eat Me Beat Me four whips. That email was heroic.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
RE Tracer Bullet Says:
“I can’t imagine a man can be turned into a dom if he’s not already into it. And it sounds like she’s into hardcore freaky shit; Baby wants to see blood. That just gives me the huhhhs.”
I agree. It’s one thing if she told him about it before they were married, I’m getting the impression she didn’t. Most men have this thing about not wanting to inflict actual physical damage on their partners, for legal and many other reasons. If I was a dude and anybody, including my wife, asked me to hurt her (not “hurt” her, as someone implies above), I couldn’t say “Fuck no” fast enough. I guess I wish her luck in persuading her non-sadistic husband to inflict bodily harm on her, but I’m not liking her chances… jeez. I think maybe she needs more therapy…
RE the picture: “The moment an original image (or string of text) is fixed on a hard drive for the first time, it is protected by copyright. Any unauthorized copying of a protected image is an infringement of the creator’s copyright, unless the use falls within one of the very limited exceptions to the copyright law, such as ‘fair use.’ In most cases, it is unlikely that the incorporation of an image into a commercial web-site would be considered a fair use.” – per legal-type website
June 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
DO.NOT.LET.HER.INTO.YOUR.CRIB.
Truer and/or loftier words have never been spoken. Heed them or heed them not at your own risk. The choice we leave up to you.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
@ Rocco,
am I asking for disaster?
YES
Or do the potential benefits outweigh the potential negatives?
NO.
Is this two years of loneliness rearing it’s dark, ill-advised head?
YES. Do NOT fucking invite a chick you banged to come live with you. There is no greater fucking law on earth.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Room Mate Guy: DON’T DO IT! Your home should be your sanctuary- you don’t want trouble where you live.
I once moved in with a very close but strictly-platonic female friend and everything seemed great at first. We were both quite happy with the living situation. It was fun- but when I started bringing girls home, she became the most acerbic, passively-aggressive bitch I ever had the misfortune of crossing. Nosy, judgemental, back-stabbing, batshit crazy. When I was single, everything was cool, when I had a girlfriend, everything was uptight. She was in love with me, but I saw her like the sister I never had.
When she finally got a boyfriend (I’d known her for seven years and she hadn’t ever had so much as a date) I thought she’d mellow out and everything would be cool again. Except I became instantly useless to her since she had someone. She even got jealous that I was becoming good friends with her new beau (who’s now her husband) so she kicked me out suddenly and cruelly; a real Pearl Harbor bitch-move. I was devastated. Now our friendship is pretty much dead.
Brother Beware.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
You can try to explain it to him gently and slowly lead him along, but if he doesn’t enjoy giving someone pain, he’s never going to learn to enjoy it either. And in sex, if a guy isn’t enjoying what he’s doing, the fun and passion gets sucked out the sex quicker than Brett Michael’s cum did with the Rock Of Love Bus girls.
NWC, thank you for this comment, as I am going to re-post it with slight alterations every time we get another dude whining about wanting to talk his girl into anal, a threesome, or something else she’s not comfortable with/ready for.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
*NMC. Sorry. I’m on a shit-ton of cold medicine and it’s making me loopy.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Oh, Roommate Guy. DON’T MOVE IN. Live at the freaking Y, for God’s sack.
Sweet. I think “for God’s sack!” is going to be my new go-to exclamation.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
That title picture makes me want to get my rape on.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
*NMC. Sorry. I’m on a shit-ton of cold medicine and it’s making me loopy.
Sounds like someone is fussin’ with The Tussin.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
If anything can be great and lofty, it’s God’s Sack.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Also, I try really hard to be progressive in my attitudes towards sex, but if I moved in with a former fuckbuddy, him bringing home other girls would drive me out of my mind. I’d never be able to turn off the “is she prettier/cooler/kinkier than me?!” monologue in my head. It surprises me that this gal is apparently up for that, and I’m tempted to believe she’s angling for something else out of the deal.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Ok, anyone want to bet that Rocco and roommate guy both ignore the true and lofty advice, because “my situation is different”, and in 3-6 months we are presented with “Dear Poon Purveyors- How do I get my female roommate to stop stabbing me in the ass while I sleep?”
June 11th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
as I am going to re-post it with slight alterations every time we get another dude whining about wanting to talk his girl into anal, a threesome, or something else she’s not comfortable with/ready for.
I agree that if the girl isn’t ready for it, you shouldn’t push it. But the INTENT of anal, or a threesome, is not to hurt, it’s to have fun. Whether anal is really all that much more fun that sticking in her pussy is a different matter altogether.
There are things you can do with anal that make it hurt less, for example.
The intent of S&M is to INFLICT PAIN. There are no two ways around that. That the receiving party gets off on it, great, but you have to physically hurt another human being.
So it’s a bit of an apples and oranges thing.
but if I moved in with a former fuckbuddy, him bringing home other girls would drive me out of my mind.
Exactly. This is why a guy should never, ever, EVER move in with a girl he’s been in bed with before. EVER.
*NMC. Sorry. I’m on a shit-ton of cold medicine and it’s making me loopy.
Nae worries lass!
June 11th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Showed up late because of a meeting, but thanks so much to all of you for the advice and resources. I was mostly just looking for ways to introduce him to it to see if I could get him into it; I have no desire to push him into doing something he’s not comfortable with. I’d be happy with a little give and take. And he did actually know about this before we got married, it had just been lumped in with all the other stuff I got into as a teenager that got connected to the abuse, so I abstained from indulging in it for a long time and didn’t get off for a long time. I get that it’s not everybody’s cup of tea, and some people find it completely abhorrent, but…eh. I’m thirty-six years old and I want my husband to be involved in my orgasms. That’s really all it is.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Ok, anyone want to bet that Rocco and roommate guy both ignore the true and lofty advice, because “my situation is different”, and in 3-6 months we are presented with “Dear Poon Purveyors- How do I get my female roommate to stop stabbing me in the ass while I sleep?”
Nobody ever reads the advice that’s given here. Why else would we still get a “I moved in with my chick and now the sex suddenly sucks. WTF?!” question every other week?
So yes, this is a safe bet.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I get that it’s not everybody’s cup of tea, and some people find it completely abhorrent, but…eh. I’m thirty-six years old and I want my husband to be involved in my orgasms. That’s really all it is.
I’ve been in BDSM, it’s not abhorrent to me, personally, but it is to a lot of guys, and I always drew the line at Sadism. It will probably help if you get him used to the less extreme forms of BDSM, have him tie you up, use candle wax, spanking, etc. If he finds he likes those, you can try to get him to go a bit further (I have no idea where your limits lie, so I can’t actually suggest a way to get there.)
Just make sure that he’s genuinely okay with it. You can’t TURN someone in a sadist; they have to BE one to begin with.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Eat Me/Beat Me Lady-
I think we really need to know where your limits lie in order to advise how to get your husband down with what you need to get off- I’m not asking for prurient reasons, it just might be easier to give suggestions if we knew what we were signing him up for.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
@EatMeBeatMe: Congrats from getting over sexual abuse, however for some reason it seem a little Freudian about what your going to do. If boyfriend is down, be careful what he might think because of your past.
@IHateEmoEaglesFans: Congrats getting going on the sex-train. This is the lesson that many guys need to learn. Stay the hell away from girls who just got out of the relationship. These girls tend to be either emotionally unstable after the break-up and most of the time are damaged goods. Sure, you can walk in with the swagger of Prince Charming but 95% of the time it does not work. In your case, run for the hills and find a girl who is not damaged to tap.
@Dude with the roommate scenario: It really depends what your friendship was after you hooked up with her. Overall it seems like a bad idea but you might get brownie points for helping her out.
@Brandon: Clearly this is a situation of “head” and “Heart”. My head is telling you to hang out with your girlfriend for those final weeks. My heart is telling to bang the hottie 19-year old. In the end, the decision is tough and unless you girlfriend you want cherish for the rest of your life. Alternating might be the best decision for you.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Eat Me Beat Me -
I dated a girl that was really into BDSM. Things went well for a few weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her in the kind of ways she wanted to be hurt. As basically everyone has said, you either have that capacity to enjoy inflicting pain on someone sexually, or you don’t. I mean, she would have let me get away with basically anything, but I wasn’t prepared to cross that boundary. She could (and basically did) promise me anything, but there wasn’t anything that could have pushed me to that point.
Unless your husband is that kind of person, it’s probably not going to happen.
FMRA -
You’re absolutely right. It’s the same basic principle as anal or threesomes.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
RE Needs More Cheerleaders Says:
“I agree that if the girl isn’t ready for it, you shouldn’t push it. But the INTENT of anal, or a threesome, is not to hurt, it’s to have fun. Whether anal is really all that much more fun that sticking in her pussy is a different matter altogether. There are things you can do with anal that make it hurt less, for example.”
I’m sure that the intent of all of the above is to have fun, but I’ll just suggest (and maybe someone else will second), that when it comes to “giving in,” women are asked to do it a whole lot more than men are. I could be wrong about that, but I kinda think I’m not. Men seem to assume that suggesting to the SO that having another woman in there with you, or wanting to put your dick in her asshole and go at it like she’s some chick in a porno are A-OK, but I have a feeling that if similar suggestions were to come from her: “Hey, babe, there’s this hot guy at work I’d really like to fuck, how about I bring him home one night and we all get it on?” or “Guess what I got in the mail today? (she steps aside to reveal the Ass Blaster 3000 strap-on) We’re gonna have fun tonight!” – that many dudes would not be nearly so open-minded and experimental. It always seems to be about what HE wants to do. Understandable, on a site that’s probably 90% male commenters, but still… I do appreciate the concern that anal be LESS painful. That makes it that much more tempting. Because if I have to choose between REALLY painful ass pain, and LESS painful ass pain, I guess I’d choose the less painful one. As ass pain goes. I’d prefer no ass pain at all, but that’s just me.
Men get all these ideas from porn and think real women are obligated to try them all out, but recoil in horror and disgust when a woman suggests he should be more like some dipshit character in one of her soap operas or chick flicks. What’s the difference? Porn is every bit as unrealistic.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Eat Me/Beat Me Lady-
I think we really need to know where your limits lie in order to advise how to get your husband down with what you need to get off
Um, did you read her email? “…Unless we stop pussyfooting around with handcuffs and spankings and my husband really starts hurting me.” and “Promise him anal in exchange for carving me up with sharp, poky things” should tell you that what she wants is far above and beyond furry pink handcuffs.
What she (and a few people in the comments) doesn’t seem to understand is the difference between a BDSM fetish and sadomasochist tendencies. One is a simple kink which is no more abhorrent than any other fetish (to each their own). The other is a deviant sexual behavior.
Seriously, I empathize with her past trauma and applaud the fact she took control of her life and embraced therapy. However, either she’s not talking to her therapist or her therapist is a quack. If you need to be CUT, STABBED, BEATEN RAW, and/or MUTILATED in order to orgasm (even it’s a loved one inflicting the abuse) that is neither normal nor mentally healthy behavior. If you are reading this Eat Me, Beat Me, I implore you to discuss this with your doctor (or find another one if he truly thinks this is okay) because you still have a really fundamental issue where you’re associating horrific abuse with love. That issue needs worked out more than you need your husband to take Whipping Classes.
Also, the idea that this is the same as wanting a woman to do anal and/or a threesome is absolutely retarded. Those aren’t deviant sexual behaviors nor are they harmful to a person on both a physical and psychological level.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
To the Douchebag: just fucking ask your girl if she likes dirty talk. If she said she didn’t like it previously, maybe she changed her mind. Hell, when my boyfriend and I started dating I didn’t enjoy being called a whore/slut whilst getting it on but 3+ years later, I’m totally cool with it. I think it’s hot, really. Jesus, you’re probably the kind of guy that doesn’t know if their girlfriend has ever had an orgasm because you never asked. ASK THE FUCKIN’ BROAD ALREADY.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Minnesota Guy:
As you know, UW-Madison is an oasis of enlightenment and fun in a wasteland of wheezing, drunken ignorance and morbid obesity. Enjoy Madison and the excellent education you’ll get there, but for God’s Sake, man, don’t root for the Badgers. Just be a neutral observer- until they play Minnesota. You’re a secret agent in the enemy’s capital. As for the Minneapolis girl, if she’s a truly good one, 230 miles really isn’t so bad. And the Vikings? Aw, fuck. Ugh.
/Opens another Grainbelt Premium
June 11th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
@slash:
Your post reflects why “legal-type websites” aren’t worth a shit when it comes to providing guidance to non-lawyers. A semi-competent copyright lawyer could provide KSK with multiple reasons why it does not have to worry about publishomg that photo or posting a link to it.
I don’t know how competent uproxx’s lawyers are.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
@Jebus: This is the KSK comment board, so don’t like pretend you aren’t totally asking for prurient reasons. Ideally there would be poking with sharp objects, but I can’t imagine doing that to someone else, so chances are he can’t either. Absolute bottom line, I’d be happy with hard-core whipping.
@Monkey Business: Like I said, I’m willing to compromise. And yeah, it’s really hard not to sexually blackmail him into doing what I want, but I’ve managed for this long. If he’s not into it at all, then where do we go from here? Secretly jacking off for the rest of my life is hardly a death sentence, but it does get really old really fast.
@Bubby Brister’s Mop: I do actually understand that what I want goes far beyond the usual BDSM fetish. I also understand that I haven’t needed my shrink to oversee my behavior for a very long time. When I was sixteen, my desire to be cut/hit/stabbed was disturbing. Twenty years and two kids later…I could really care less.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
@Minnesota guy
Under no condition can you root for the Badgers. The good news is. there are plenty of gopher faggots around the campus and city. You’ll be fine. But stay true to your team always.
Also, State Street Brats FTW.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
@jigga “Post the sister-in-law pic and I’ll email topless pics of my ex-girlfriend.”
and this is how KSK turns into a hardcore porn site so gradually that none of us even notice
June 11th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Minnesota Guy:
In this one case, ignore your better instincts and listen to this poet from Wisconsin. There’s enough Minnesota-Wisconsin crossover that it’s acceptable to attend the rival university- but it’s not acceptable to adopt the rival’s team as your own. Misguided and pointless (but still bitter) state rivalries are quite complicated, you see.
And fuck Wisconsin.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
you’re all idiots
June 11th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I’m sure that the intent of all of the above is to have fun, but I’ll just suggest (and maybe someone else will second), that when it comes to “giving in,” women are asked to do it a whole lot more than men are.
Don’t base assumptions on the readership of KSK. In general, this site attracts a certain personality, and that’s of the male chauvinist pig. :)
I think in general, there’s probably quite a lot of guys who don’t want anal, who won’t ask their woman to, or, even if they asked and she says no, would say “Okay baby, we won’t do it if it makes you uncomfortable.”
Same for a threesome.
What always surprises me is that is seemingly such a backlash against ASKING? If you’re with someone new, you’ve had a few excellent romps in the sack, is it that bad to ASK her if she’d consent to anal, or if she’d, you know, mind having a third party involved?
As long as the guy doesn’t push it, I fail to see what the problem is.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
“NWC, thank you for this comment, as I am going to re-post it with slight alterations every time we get another dude whining about wanting to talk his girl into anal, a threesome, or something else she’s not comfortable with/ready for.”
NOOOOO!!! If Penthouse Forum taught me anything about life it’s that ALL women secretly want anal!! You just have to seduce the ass!!!
/showing my age referencing Penthouse Forum
//all women = about 15% in my experience
///anal can be awesome, but like anything else you want but can’t have, it’s usually better in your fantasy
June 12th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Living with a girl works if you’ve already friend zoned each other. If you’ve screwed but you’re no longer hooking up don’t go down that road. In college I shared a place with a girl for two years. It worked great. If I had a girl I was interested in come over she’d vouch for me and the fact I was a cool guy. I was the guy who moved heavy objects and occasionally convinced creepy guys to get the fuck out and not come back. It only worked though because we had established the fact we were never going to hook up.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Hey, EatMeBeatMe girl: If you were able to survive the punishment and overall soul abuse you took when you were younger and all you got was a desire to have someone be overly physical with you? Well I just wanna tell you, I think you’re doing alright. I might suggest, as everyone else has, to be gradual. Get in the moment. When you are in the moment, ask him to smack your ass. A little harder, baby. A little harder. I feel that when he is in the moment too and sees that this is having an effect on the overall heat of the situation he will get in to it.
I never was much into the whole BDSM thing but a couple of girlfriends ago she asked me to (slightly) choke her during the doggie style. It worked. There was a point of time when she asked me to back off and I wasn’t even trying. If he sees that you are getting off on the idea he should come around.
@Rocco: Don’t know what to tell you. You’re preachin’ to the choir. I can kind of sense that you really hope this turns in to the occasional sexy time. That’s OK. If she moves in you will immediately regret the lack of your private time. Immediately. But at least you would be getting some action.
Difficult at best.
Leaving college dude: I, hmm, well.. Yeah, fuck em both. You only have to be evasive for a couple of weeks. In the long run you will be able to reflect and have a good remembrance with your kids. It’s a great holiday story!
If your girl finds out, she will hate you. She will be filled with great vengeance and furious anger and you will know her name is the Ex when she lays her vengeance upon you.
This second girl better be the hottest shit ever because you are flirting with disaster, son. Flirtin’ with disaster.
/puts glasses back on.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:43 am
discussions like this make a fella wonder what mr madison thinks of his first amendment now.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:03 am
RE claude balls Says:
“Your post reflects why ‘legal-type websites’ aren’t worth a shit when it comes to providing guidance to non-lawyers. A semi-competent copyright lawyer could provide KSK with multiple reasons why it does not have to worry about publishomg that photo or posting a link to it. I don’t know how competent uproxx’s lawyers are.”
Eh, whatever. I understand why they don’t wanna take the chance. It’s not like there’s not plenty of porn elsewhere for people to gaze at, to rag on someone for suggesting that it might not be a good idea to display such a photo is kinda assholish, in my nonprofessional opinion, but I’m sure you know that.
RE Needs More Cheerleaders Says:
“What always surprises me is that is seemingly such a backlash against ASKING? If you’re with someone new, you’ve had a few excellent romps in the sack, is it that bad to ASK her if she’d consent to anal, or if she’d, you know, mind having a third party involved? As long as the guy doesn’t push it, I fail to see what the problem is.”
If your surprise reflects personal experience (ie, every time you ask, you’re surprised to get an unpleasant reaction), maybe you’re not asking right. Or maybe women in general (ie, those who aren’t actually in a porno) don’t like the suggestion that sex would be better with another pussy in there, like one isn’t good enough for you. As I suggested before, what if your girlfriend/wife requested another dude join you? What would your reaction to that be? If you can honestly say it wouldn’t bother you at all to hear your wife or girlfriend essentially telling you that you just aren’t enough to do it for her, she really needs another dick in there, well, good for you. Or the next time you ask a girlfriend/wife to accept your dick up her ass, you offer yours up first and provide the strap-on for her to use, so she can see by your example how awesome it is. Just sayin’. Lots of men seem awfully quick to suggest threesomes and anal, when it’s their idea and happening exactly the way they want, but far fewer of them seem willing to reciprocate. Because, ew, that’d be gay or… something. I guess, I really don’t know what the deal is there. Seems to me you shouldn’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:53 am
@Brandon
It comes down to where respect for others, and the trust they have placed in you, factors into your own moral code.
If you care about your girlfriend, I assume that she has been good to you over the course of your relationship. If so, why would you lie to her? Be respectful of her as a person, and break it off before you continue sleeping with the new girl (since abstaining for two weeks seems like too herculean a task). Then you can enjoy hot ass with a clear conscience for your remaining days in Tucson (and free your girlfriend to do the same).
June 12th, 2009 at 8:03 am
There’s a college sports rivalry between Minnesota and Wisconsin? Seriously? In what sport? Women’s field hockey? Water polo?
A Minnesota-Wisconsin feud. That. Is. ADORABLE.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:30 am
@EatMeBeatMe- ok, you caught me. Semi-prurient reasons. Bubby Brister’s Mop was right- I didn’t read your initial email that closely. You might be able to negotiate whipping/heavy spanking with your husband, but if he’s not inherently a sadist, like others have said, he’s probably going to have a hard time getting you to where you need to go. I hate to be that guy, but if you are unable to orgasm without blood being drawn, you might want to get some more therapy, with a BDSM-friendlier therapist. Maybe even a couples therapist- someone to help negotiate the boundaries between the two of you. Everyone is entitled to orgasms.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Hmm…yeah, the situation is kinda different. It’s not a one-way thing. We both like each other, talked about dating, but she was taking a work assignment out of the country. We’ve dated before, and are still good friends, so it’s a potential win-win, either things move to girlfriend territory, or we remain just friends and perhaps have the occasional sexy time. Or it goes completely wrong and she stabs me. It’s my house though, so I suppose I can kick her out as quick as I invite her in. If I can kick a wife out, I can kick her out. And yes, I’m well aware of the likely ex-stripper daddy issues/bat-shit crazy angle. I’m just a magnet for crazy. I’ve come to accept that.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:52 am
You know, Rocco, if it’s been two years you are allowed to do anything that doesn’t involve an ether rag and duct tape to break that slump. I think it could work.
You can always install a pole and get her some clear heels.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Come on now…I’m not in a two year dry spell. The pole and clear heels idea I like though.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:24 am
You’re not going to share the photo?
Well, fuck you then.
Seriously. Get your photoshop on, blur/blackout the face and help a man out.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Peace Corps Dude: If you break up with her, don’t mention the other girl. She doesn’t want to know that, and it will make everything suck. Two weeks isn’t that long to juggle chicks, especially since you can play off any awkardness as “I think I’m just mentally moving on already.”
If it blows up, then tell the truth “I’d already moved on, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m so sorry.”
Telling a preemptive truth will make your life a bit easier, but will probably make the girl who you care about feel like shit.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@ Eat Me Beat Me: Stop beating around the bush (and forgive the horrid pun), explain to your husband the exact nature of your desires, emphasise that you do genuinely get satisfaction from this and, if he’s completely not interested after you’ve explained, start considering and discussing the prospect of getting it from somewhere else. The latter’s actually not an uncommon practice – women (and it seems overwhelmingly to be women who get in this situation; male submissives either don’t talk about it or are better at convincing their ladies to dish out the punishment) stay with their husbands because they still love them but get their desires satisfied elsewhere.
Also, this is one of the few mailbag subjects I actually have any useful advice on. I like this feeling.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
And if none of the advice you get here helps, go to the forums at Literotica.com because I guarantee people there will be of more use (mostly because, no matter what your kink, somebody else there shares it).
June 12th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
If your surprise reflects personal experience (ie, every time you ask, you’re surprised to get an unpleasant reaction), maybe you’re not asking right.
Oh no, that wasn’t for me personally, that’s just how it seems to come across in the mailbag. Guys ask and the girl is like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!”
Sheesh, a guy is just asking.
Or maybe women in general (ie, those who aren’t actually in a porno) don’t like the suggestion that sex would be better with another pussy in there, like one isn’t good enough for you. As I suggested before, what if your girlfriend/wife requested another dude join you? What would your reaction to that be?
Personally I’d be fine with it, but yeah, I know 99% of all the guys in here go completely apeshit and won’t agree to that. Which is hypocritical, but hey, like I said, this site does attract a certain type of personality that I’m pretty sure is not representative of the population in general. :)
If you can honestly say it wouldn’t bother you at all to hear your wife or girlfriend essentially telling you that you just aren’t enough to do it for her, she really needs another dick in there, well, good for you.
Yeah but this is kind of what I’m getting at. Why is a request for a threesome AUTOMATICALLY a “Oh, I guess I’m not good enough!” situation to you (and most of the other girls here, it seems?)
Why wouldn’t it just be an idea to maybe get a bit kinkier romp going? Why does it HAVE to be “I’m not good enough?”
I see a request like that as just a way to add fun for BOTH of you, which is why I’d have no problem with bringing an extra dude into it. (though, of course, quid pro quo. She gets an extra dude, I get an extra chick! ;) )
Or the next time you ask a girlfriend/wife to accept your dick up her ass, you offer yours up first and provide the strap-on for her to use, so she can see by your example how awesome it is. Just sayin’.
Again with the harsh “WELL HOW ABOUT YOU DO IT FIRST?!”
What is wrong with a guy ASKING for it? Is it really that fucking bad if a guy asks for something? If you don’t want to, you say no. Or you say “Well, I’m worried that it’ll hurt,” and then you talk about it.
Why does it have to be so antagonistic?
Lots of men seem awfully quick to suggest threesomes and anal, when it’s their idea and happening exactly the way they want, but far fewer of them seem willing to reciprocate. Because, ew, that’d be gay or… something. I guess, I really don’t know what the deal is there.
Well, in the case of a strapon, I fail to see what a girl gets out of that, unless she’s the kind of person that wants to join eat me beat me lady in some funky whipping romps or something. For a guy it’s mostly the mental aspect, that a girl surrenders to you so much that she’ll do that, and partially because every guy has this idea that it’ll be wonderfully tight and would somehow miraculously feel better. (it doesn’t, guys, btw.)
Seems to me you shouldn’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself.
Seems to be there’s no harm in asking. Otherwise you’ll both just lie there and have rote sex, both of you not enjoying what you’re doing, but you’re too fucking scared to ask for something else because you just might get your head bitten off. That seems an odd way of dealing with someone you like/love, but maybe that’s just me.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
And if none of the advice you get here helps, go to the forums at Literotica.com because I guarantee people there will be of more use
Hardly. The Lit forums are indwelled by the old clicque who seem absolutely convinced that they invented sex and everything that goes with it. Kind of like the entire site, actually.
/Off-Topic rant.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Where are you looking? There are a few assholes there, but you’ll get that everywhere and so long as you stay out of the General Board you’ll avoid the nutters; most of them are pretty damn nice.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@Brandon
What you probably fail to realize is that she knows you’re breaking up, too. The nights your banging said hottie? Your girlfriend is getting her guts beat to death by an Alabama black-snake.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
@NTCL
Of course it’s okay to ask. Just realize that you are not asking in a vacuum, so-to-speak. Anal and a threesome are about the two most common “racy” requests men make of their partners, so the woman you are asking has probably already heard that question from the majority of guys she has had sex with, and most of the mainstream porn she has seen. So, when she answers, regardless of whether she is into anal or a threesome, her reply is not to your question alone, but to the accumulated effect of all of those times she has been asked or felt socially influenced.
Imagine that every girl you have been with has asked you for a threesome with two guys, or to let her wear a strap-on. Also, imagine that a lot of the porn you’ve see involves the same. Now, imagine how you would feel when your current girl asks you for a threesome or for you to take a dildo in the rear. If you are into it, game on, right? If you feel like it on occasion or with a particular person, no problem really. If you aren’t into it, you are probably tired of hearing that question. Any way you look at it, though, it’s not catching you by surprise, and it doesn’t particularly strike you as the most novel thing you can do to spice up a rote sex life.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:40 am
I will send the KSK staff a picture of my taint – if you do not share the fucking picture with me/us.
I’ll fuckin do it………
June 13th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Big ups to NMC. Or +1, or whatever the cool kids are saying nowadays when they strongly approve of a post.
June 14th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I can understand women getting pissed about being asked for a threesome. Especially if they don’t have bi-sexual leanings. The guy is basically saying he wants to have sex with someone else.
If my fiancee asked to have a threesome with another guy, I’d want to do something violent enough to make EatMeBeatMe blush.
Anal, however… what’s the harm in asking? My fiancee loves anal but we only do it every so often because it’s not really any better than straight vag, though it is very fun, and it is more difficult.
/dick joke