A Woman is Your Friend. Do Not Beat On Her. Love, Cherish and Protect Her.
Brandon Marshall: Aw damn damndamndamndamndamn! These Bob Ley, Josh Barr, Outside the Lines gotcha-reporters are trying to bring the hammer down on me, only cause I maybe roughed up my girlfriend, like, a couple dozen times. Like Larry Fitzgerald and Randy Moss never been accused of this! It’s practically a rite of passage for big play receivers. Plaxico beat on his girl a bunch and it wasn’t until he shot himself in the club that he got in trouble. Even bad receivers be gettin’ breaks. Matt Jones would have to chew off a baby’s head on camera before he gets suspended. And they’d probably only give him a game. Why are they all ganging up on me? Why am I always the victim?
You gotta help me out. How do I kick this? You been going through heat with this for months and you still got a career. Let’s get some advice, man. Anything.
Chris Brown: The fuck you talking about?
Brandon Marshall: Nahnahnah. Don’t front. “I need you boooooo. Gotta beat you boooooo. And your face’s all over the wall tonight. With youuuuuu with youuuuu with youuuuuuu” That shit. You know who you is. Busted up Rihanna. Damn near cratered her face. I’ve seen the pictures. Gruesome shit. If I’m not mistaken you landed the 3-2-3-4 combo. My hook needs work so I usually stick with the jab and the straight. Anyway, you know where I’m coming from. You wanna grab some McDonald’s and talk it out? I mean, you definitely look like you beat on some girls.
Chris Brown: I think you got it flipped. That’s that pretty boy singer, not me. It’s common first name matched with a common last name. See that dude over there, he’s Kris Brown too.
Brandon Marshall: Aw, fer’real? [Stomps toward Kris Brown]
Look, man. We need to talk about this woman hitting thing. How come you got out of it so easy? What’s the secret?
Kris Brown: Dude, the secret is that I’m not that Chris Brown. I’m even not black.For fuck’s sake, we don’t spell our names the same way.
Brandon Marshall: All right. I get it, I get what you’re saying. You change your skin tone when you want to beat up on white bitches. Hey, no worries. I respect the technique. My assault game is not that evolved. But it’s a little amateurish to change your name to something so similar, like nobody’s gonna pick up on that. Give people credit.
Kris Brown: I’m not Chris Brown, the entertainer, I’m Kris Brown, the kicker.
Brandon Marshall: Kick ‘em, punch ‘em, slap ‘em with a clothing iron. Don’t matter to me which way you throttled ‘em. I just need to know how you rose above.
Kris Brown: All right.
[Breathes into hand over his mouth]
How’s this: you issue a half-hearted public apology and eventually she takes you back or the public and media forget about it entirely within weeks?
Brandon Marshall: It’s worked for me before.
Kris Brown: Great. So you’ll be fucking off, then?
Brandon Marshall: Yes.
AND THE CYCLE OF
VIOLENCE IS RENEWED!
Tags: Bmarsh, Brandon Marshall, xmas ape
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June 1st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Ape, you’re lucky I don’t hate you, because if I did I would absolutely email this link to Jezebel and turn some fire-breathing ladycommenters on your ass. Bwahahahahaha.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I approve.
Of the post. Not of girlfriend beating, though.
/That ring ought to buy me something.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Damn you FMRA! I wanted first, but you got fist!
/typo?
June 1st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Well, the good news is that they can do all kinds of things with kidney transplants these days, so you might actually be worthwhile once you’ve croaked.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
That pic of Marshall is the best pic since the whole eye-mouth thing lol. That pic is priceless. Now we should have someone replace his huge bulging eyes with little sad Cutler faces lol. Oh yeah… how dare he…women aren’t things and all that… Yes, that should do
June 1st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
“I’m not Chris Brown, the entertainer, I’m Kris Brown, the kicker.”
The one and only time it’s acceptable to be a kicker instead of something else.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:47 pm
“Naw man I didn’t hit her, she fell down the stairs. She fell down the stairs because I kicked her ass down the stairs because she wouldn’t shut her mouth up.”
June 1st, 2009 at 3:50 pm
‘Clothing iron” is my favorite part.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
If Brandon Marshall was, say, a New York Giant, ESPN would be on this like Brandon Marshall’s fingers on his main squeeze’s throat.
See what I did there?
June 1st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
My assault game is not that evolved.
And his receiving game is still evolving too.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“Great. So you’ll be fucking off, then?”
Is this copywrit, or may I use this freely at work today?
/if laughing at domestic violence is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:03 pm
…it wasn’t until he shot himself in the club that he got in trouble.
Ouch
June 1st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Best jump ever? Best jump ever.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
“If I’m not mistaken you landed the 3-2-3-4 combo”
Sounds like he’s got better boxing skills than football skills…boxing the ladies that is.
/Never hit women, unless you are giving a desired spanking
//His GF is dumb as hell to keep going back for an ass whooping
///I hope his house has arson insurance
June 1st, 2009 at 5:01 pm
‘My assualt game is not that evolved.’ Love that.
June 1st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
in all fairness, rhianna did give chris brown herpes and didn’t tell him she was dirty (from sleeping with jay-z)
if a ho gave me herpes, i’d beat her ass too
no offense
June 1st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Marshall looks like he’s doing a Braylon Edwards impersonation after he makes a catch.
June 1st, 2009 at 5:12 pm
You gotta admit though, that picture of Chris Brown does look like he is about to punch some woman in the face. I see why Brandon mistook him for a wife beater
June 1st, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Marshall was lieing
June 1st, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Marshall made a dick out of himself on OTL
Check out http://www.thegridironpalace.com/forums
June 1st, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Bob Ley has little room to talk. I hear he’s a handful.
June 1st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Ah the joys of being names Chris Brown – when wife shows her students pictures of us the first thing out of their mouths – “Pssh that ain’t Chris Brown, he’s white.”
June 1st, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Chew off a baby’s head on camera – 1 game suspension
June 1st, 2009 at 6:34 pm
The real question is, What round of my fantasy football draft should I draft B. Marsh?
June 1st, 2009 at 7:44 pm
that Chris Brown looks like a mean motherfucker
June 1st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
He’s wearing a WWE Wrestling T in the picture. I wonder what the first sign that he’d slap his old lady around was?
June 1st, 2009 at 10:12 pm
As a ladycommenter, I give this post an A+. Nothing like a little Facebook creepin’ to spice up the S&M sex life, right?
/is going to hell
June 1st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Well fuck me running. How the hell did I get Brandon Marshall and Quinn Ojinnaka mixed up? Oh well, they can take notes from each other.
I’m waiting for someone to say “they’re both black and play football.”
/is still going to hell
June 1st, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Needs more crazy Josh McD and a whole lot more horse AIDS.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Sean Connery says there’s nothing wrong with a little domestic discipline… As long as you deliver it with an open hand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FgMLROTqJ0
/Who are YOU to argue with Bond, James Bond
June 1st, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Conan O’Brien is horning in on THE BEN’s Choco Tacos.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I was wondering if you’d get royalties for that or not Ape.
Circle!
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:55 am
bunch of hypocrites….consistency is what we want out of our WR’s
that OTL record says one thing: Greatest.Of.All.Times
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
While hitting a woman is wrong, and I never have, never will, there are a few who deserve it. Especially when they want to hit. Equal opportunity bitch. You hit me, I hit you, no?
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 am
Rocco, I fear you have just started digging another hole.
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:39 am
Tongue in cheek. I’m not serious.
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:41 am
Another hole?
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
DomVioFlaWa?