A Father’s Day Fit For A F–king Badass
I wrote a Father’s Day post at my old blog FKS that I enjoy reposting every Father’s Day as an annual tradition. So here it is. Enjoy. And for you folks who enjoyed the old FKS blog, stay tuned. I might some have good news for you.
Guess what day Sunday is? You see that calendar? You see what it says? That’s right, sluts. Motherfucking Father’s Day. This day used to be for all the other douchebags that had kids. Well, now it’s my turn. And I’m not settling for one of those half-assed Father’s Days my dad always had, when he got socks and a card and ended up washing the dishes anyway. I’m not playing that shit. In fact, I submitted this itinerary to Mrs. Drew and have instructed her to follow it to a tee.
7:00AM – Baby cries. Someone who is not me tends to it.
9:00AM – Mrs. Drew wakes me up while wearing the uniform of a service industry employee of my choosing. I’m thinking a 1920’s speakeasy cigarette girl. It’s eccentric, yet boneriffic.
9:01AM – Hot monkey sex.
9:15AM – Shower.
9:37AM – Watch news. Find out Brett Favre has been killed in a hunting accident. Cry hot tears of joy.
9:38AM – Play with the Girl until tired of doing so.
9:45AM – Tired of doing so.
9:46AM – Greet in-laws at the door and hand the Girl over to them. Bye, Girl!
9:47AM – Bong hit.
10:00AM – Eggs.
10:10AM – Boooooooooong hit.
10:30AM – Limo ride to Dave & Buster’s, where I down three boilermakers and beat the living shit out of a random 15-year-old at Pop-A-Shot. Yell to everyone, “I’m the Daddy here, bitches!”
11:10AM – Limo ride to airport. Drink a bottle of Cristal. Listen to “Master of Puppets” in its entirety, singing both the vocal and guitar parts. Come up with the idea for a cologne that smells like gunfire. Call my brother to have it patented. Develop marketing plan to sell it exclusively in nightclubs in downtown Houston, Atlanta, and Miami. Call venture capitalist. Secure a $100 million investment.
11:35AM – Have limo pull over. Have hot monkey sex on the shoulder.
12:00PM – Private Concorde to Atlantis in the Bahamas. Drink three Stoli & grapefruits while watching the in-flight movie, which is the first 40 minutes of “Full Metal Jacket”, followed by the first 20 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan”. Fucking. Awesome.
1:04PM – Smoke a bowl.
1:05PM – Spontaneously orgasm.
1:10PM – Land. Limo to casino. Hit blackjack table. Immediately go up $250,000.
1:42PM – Russell Crowe enters the casino. Sits down next to me. Tells me he’s a huge fan of my work and wishes he were more like me. Rubs my thigh and tells me I’m the first man he’s ever been gay for.
1:43PM – Slap the shit out of Russell Crowe. Get another $50,000 in chips compliments of the casino bellhop staff.
2:00PM – Late lunch. Two five pound lobsters. Entire smoked salmon. Gallon of beluga caviar. Bottle of Dalmore.
2:45PM – Escorted to private suite with Mrs. Drew.
2:59PM – Act out entire sequences from the movie “Night Trips,” starring the legendary Tori Welles.
4:29PM – Shower. Play with myself, just to mix things up a bit.
4:45PM – Limo back to airport. Private Concorde to New York City. Turn on satellite television to watch the World Cup. Find out soccer has been preempted by highlights of the Vikings 31-17 playoff win at Lambeau Field five years ago, the one where Randy Moss pretends to take a shit on the field. Except, in this version, Moss really does take a shit on the field, and then Joe Buck dies on the air in a hail of gunfire.
6:00PM – Land in Manhattan. Limo ride to Hudson Hotel. Get fitted for a suit by the very finest Italian tailor while in the car. Inhale entire nitrous oxide tank.
6:30PM – Arrive at Hudson Hotel Bar. Bouncer looks at guest list. I am the only name on the list. Enter the bar and instruct bouncer to bring me headshots of people who would like to get in for my approval.
6:49PM – Approve of no one. Get fucking drunk.
8:00PM – Dinner at Per Se. Thomas Keller comes to our table, tells me he’s a huge fan. Offers complimentary foie gras, fellatio. I take the former.
9:43PM – Helicopter ride back to Maryland. Ask pilot to hover five feet off the ground in select areas. Use long-range hunting rifle and night scope to gun down cats at random.
10:30PM – Pick up the Girl. She smiles at me, laughs a little, and then falls asleep.
10:45PM – Limo ride home.
11:00PM – Tuck in Girl.
11:01PM – Hot monkey sex in front of mirror. I look good.
11:15PM – Turn on news. Find out Osama bin Laden, Paris Hilton, and Jimmy Fallon all died. Drink a bottle of Cabernet in celebration.
11:29PM – Leave witty comment on deadspin.com that only I find funny.
11:30PM – Kiss Mrs. Drew good night. Throw massive kegger.
7:00AM – Sleep well, Big Drew. You are truly the king of kings.
Happy Father’s Day, everybody.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, summer reruns
June 20th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Bringing back FKS? Fuck. Yes.
Lofty stuff as always Drew.
June 20th, 2009 at 9:03 am
That cologne would sell…
excellent
June 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
No wiping your ass on the towels? Come on, where’s the joy, the gift that keeps giving?
/Father of one girl, huh?
//I got three
///Used to have a full head of hair and only one gun
June 20th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Am I the only one who could totally picture Carl from ATHF saying all this?
June 20th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Am I the only one who could totally picture Carl from ATHF saying all this?
you’re not NOW.
FRIGGIN AWESOME!
June 20th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Hunting accident? Nuh-uh. Brett Favre should died in a tractor explosion or like Lois Lane in Superman – swallowed up by the land.
June 20th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Leave witty comment on deadspin.com that only I find funny.
you just described my entire commenting career on Deadspin, KSK, WL, etc. Bastard.
June 20th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I had this same exact day yesterday. Except in my version, it was Brett Favre AND Peter King that died of heart attacks in the middle of some gay sex.
June 20th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Drew, any idea where I can get a copy of that game? My birthday is coming up and I plan on getting my dick sucked, drinking some Creamore Springs and smoking a joint. That game playing on a flatscreen is the only way that could get any better.
Happy Fathers Day to you
June 20th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
This post made me….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmXv7vDipXI
Happy Father’s Day
June 20th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Absolutely perfect, except for one small thing: after Russell Crowe rubs your thigh, the casino staff bring you the gold-plated telephone from the second Godfather movie. You knock Crowe unconscious with it.
June 20th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Needs more Travis Henry.
June 20th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I think my fav part was singing all of master of puppets vocals and guitars. Fuck Yeah!!
June 20th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Oh and the bong rips
June 20th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
inhale entire nitrous tank?! win!!!
June 20th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Jesus, did the guy in the picture use that toilet after Peter King?
June 20th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Is that Orson Swindle?
June 20th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Reading this post is one of my favorite Father’s Day traditions.
@Spatula, father of 2 girls still have some of my hair and only one gun.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s here.
June 21st, 2009 at 12:14 am
I heard this in the voice of the Dos Equis guy.
Well done, BDD.
June 21st, 2009 at 12:21 am
I don’t recommend posting comments on deadspin that only you find funny. leads to a ninja banhammering.
June 21st, 2009 at 11:03 am
its my first fathers day. my son is 5 weeks old. i never had my real dad in my life but if i would have ever walked in on him in a position like the guy in that picture, he would have been the greatest dad ever! but since i’ve never had a relationship with him….FUCK HIM IN THE GOATASS!
HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO THE DADS OUT THERE!
June 21st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Happy Fathers Day guys. I lost mine in April. Rather than wail and moan, today I am remembering all the cool things he was to me and mine.
June 21st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
This is exactly the Father’s Day I’m having. Well, the staying at the Hudson part. If I ever get there because I’m stuck in f-ing DFW waiting for the rain to clear. If I had known I was actually going to have to work, I’d have never finished college. But I got big kisses and hugs from my boys on the way out the door, and they can’t wait for dad to get back home. Happy Father’s Day guys.
June 21st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I think Ed Hardy Inc. has beat you to that cologne idea. Those guys are so edgy when it comes to next-gen douche smellology.
June 21st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Really enjoyed this post as I was ripping off a bong hit myself.
Happy Father’s Day to all.
June 21st, 2009 at 8:40 pm
As a single man in his mid-20s with a father who is, at best, a disappointment, and at worst, an embarassment, I choose to celebrate two holidays today: Not-A-Father Day, and Father Figure Day.
I celebrate Not-A-Father Day by doing all the things a woman would not let me do, such as wear old college t-shirts, fart, and eat whatever the fuck I want. I then fuck a random slut and kick her the fuck out of my bed. AWESOME.
I celebrate Father Figure Day by calling all the guys that have been a positive influence in my life and thanking them, including my uncle, my grandfather, and Optimus Prime. Yes, I have Optimus Prime’s number. Best advice he ever gave me? “Bitches and Megatron be trippin’.” AWESOME.
June 21st, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I was reading FKS and I really think Drew could pump out a sick book a la Men With Balls about how to be a father. I hope thats whats coming soon.
June 21st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
You forgot: listen to Peter King’s voicemails.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 am
First and foremost. Happy Father’s day all.
And to “Boatdrinks” Remember the good, my brother, remember the good. The first year is not a lot of fun but you have a reservoir of memories to draw upon. Use them. My dad crossed the path about 10 years ago and I still feel it. Every father’s day.
If your Dad is still there? Hug him. That is all.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:35 am
i remember this from last year. good shit.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:13 am
This makes me feel worse that I actually had to go do work.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
best. day. ever.
Except for not giving a shit about the vikings. And, I prefer Joe Buck’s death to occur at the hands of a horde of Mongols.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Fuck and yes. ‘Chameleon’ wasn’t bad, either.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
That sounds just like my fathers day… expect without all the gay references and mine had a Caligula scene.