Trent Green Learns From The Master: Well, we couldn’t let this go unnoticed during our week off. “You may have heard I recently decided to retire.” I did? Didn’t Travis Johnson retire you two years ago, champ? “If you’re going to St. Louis for the MLB All-Star Game you have to take the time to go to Ted Drewe’s Frozen Custard. You won’t be disappointed.” If it’s anything near the quality of South End Buttery’s espresso, I think we ‘re all in for a real treat.
Tags: fun with trent green, Trent Green's brain is 25% Ted Drewe's Frozen Custard
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June 29th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Trent Green’s brain is 25% Ted Drewe’s Frozen Custard
+1
June 29th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Fuck you Drew, Ted Drewe’s rocks. I figured your fatass would love a cold treat called a concrete! j/k
June 29th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Can we keep Trent Green? The relevant football analysis, the relatively bold or at least outside-the-box predictions, the lack of hearing about his commute – this was the best MMQB in years!
June 29th, 2009 at 10:10 am
KSK couldn’t manage a guest mocker to mock the guest MMQB’er? Does Peter King have more friends than KSK?
June 29th, 2009 at 10:49 am
The Greens would make for a great reality show to destroy all those Hollywood stereotypes about retirement.
That call’s coming from Mark Burnett about the same time as Cooperstown calls Sosa, mushbrain. Suburban KC family can’t go five minutes without one kid knocking over a glass of milk? That’s a lot for one episode, Trent. Hold back the good stuff to build an audience.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:54 am
It’s just so deflating that Trent Green thinks he should emulate Peter King’s writing “style”. Then again, Green was nothing if not formulaic. He was the Buick LeSabre of quarterbacks: nice teeth, plenty of power, conservative, mildly luxurious, and never turned a head.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:01 am
“I talked to Peter King before writing this column and he said, ‘Look, always pepper your columns with references to people and places that are only meaningful to you so that your readers can be jealous of how awesome your life is.’”
June 29th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Are we here talking about practice?
June 29th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Ted Drewe’s is so good, it is like an orgasm in a cup…but more delicious and less sperm bank-y
June 29th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Trent was only able to learn a quarter of King’s lofty playbook. Must be custard or concussion related. The good news is he’s perfect for CBS.
June 29th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
i think that was ghostwritten
June 29th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Trent Green had more intelligent insights in two pages than PK does in five.
/backhanded compliment
June 29th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
This is all a set up for King’s transition to ESPN next year, to join his pal, and life-long confidant, Rick Reilly (TM). Rick told him how good working for the WWL was, and now King, having been fed up with the Normans and walking everywhere, would rather commute to Bristol everyday- he misses his car! Green is simply a drooler in training. King wanted to test his chemistry first, even though he didn’t know what it was- just that he had to have it. You’ll read it all in his new book, “Adventures in Loftiness”
June 29th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
“10) I think I hope Peter King has a great vacation. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity…”
oh man i don’t think i’ve ever tried so hard not to laugh at work. that and the bolding of family names…
June 29th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Toone P. Wiggins is loftier than Ted Drewes.
June 29th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Ted Drewes used to fuck guys like Toone P. Wiggins in prison.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Trent needs to spend a weekend at “The Cross” to get some hardcore life experience to write about.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Guess you’ve gotta have decades of experience packing douchebaggery into every sentence in order to get to PK-level writing. Not one mention of coffee or driving. Not one! But that little anecdote about the kids – precious… to people who don’t know that children can be loud and annoying.
RE “Because youth baseball practices and games consume a lot of our evenings, we rarely have time for the five of us to sit down for dinner.”
I’m guessing it’s the seething resentment that has more to do with it, but whatever.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Hollywood stereotype is supposed to be a euphemism for jew, right?
No ksk this week might as well start a reflawa
June 29th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@Slash: That his own children can be loud and annoying seems to have come as a surprise to Trent Green. I think we can assume: A) he’s never actually been around his children due to the long hours of practice and travel during his football career or B) Trent’s brain is so addled that he’s one bump on the head away from becoming Leonard Shelby and tattooing the kids’ names on their faces.
I’m leaning towards B.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
RE Slothrop Says:
“That his own children can be loud and annoying seems to have come as a surprise to Trent Green.”
A lot of people seem to be surprised that their children can be loud and annoying. Or they just don’t give a shit. A tiny percentage seem to be both aware of it and willing to do something about it. I’d put it at about 5%. I guess keeping a kid from screaming inside a restaurant or store would be an unforgivable squelching of their creative expression or emotions or somesuch shit.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Hey, look, an MMQB writer who has a grasp of how bullet points work! IMAGINE THAT!
June 29th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
@Slash: Yeah well, a lot of people are assholes. I’d put that around 90% of parents and 100% of parents continually on a crackberry, iphone, or other mobile device while in the presence of their kids. When I was waiting tables, I actually had a kid run across a crowded restaurant and slam into my leg. I was most impressed that A) I managed to drop the tray of four dinners on the floor and on the kid B) restrained myself from punching the kid’s parents in the face when they failed to yank the kid out of the restaurant by the scruff of his neck as my mother would have done to me. They just looked at me, like ‘Oops, and be glad you didn’t hurt our precious bundle of joy Mr. Starving Grad Student who can’t afford to eat here and should shuck and jive for our 12% tip.’
Today’s F–K You: Asshole Parents.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
whoops. ‘and NOT on the kid.’ There were some good steaks and rib platters that would have at least given him some good burns and probably cut his head wide open.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
@slothrop: If I had done that, my skin would be hanging from the roof of my house as a grotesque flag.
June 29th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Billy Mays doesn’t even get his own post?? That’s it, I’m off to The Consumerist!!!
/looks at comments on Consumerist
//hangs self
June 29th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Here are Trent Green’s 10 Things I Think I Think:
1.) Where am I?
2.) What does “Coffeenerdness” mean?
3.) gfeijfms wgfgghrt hgioqqqqqqdfg!
4.) Nothing is as peaceful as blacking out while waiting in line at the DMV.
5.) A few thoughts about bullet points:
a.) Each bullet point should be an individual sentence/paragraph that closely relates to the general topic of the header.
b.) Only a complete retard could screw this up.
c.) ljionmre oqnmfoin wregkop!
6.) I can’t believe that the St. Louis Rams, in this, the year of out Lord 1999, signed me to a huge contract to start at QB. I hope that I don’t get hurt and that stupid stock boy from Iowa takes my job. Can you imagine? LOLZ!
7.) Believe it or not, me and Travis Johnson have become the best of friends, and his wife makes a pineapple upside-down cake that is TO DIE FOR!
8.) Some fat guy recommended I take the missus over to a place called Toone P. Wiggins. I told them I was writing MMQB this week, and they recommended I try their “coffee-flavored water.” Maybe it’s the brain damage talking, but that stuff tasted just like regular coffee to me.
9.) I woke up this morning and found a post-it note on m bathroom mirror that said, “Brett Favre is a sexy beast!” Since I have no memory of the past two weeks, I cannot say if I wrote that or not. Am I going gay for Brett Favre? Is that woman who sleeps in my bed my wife, who is also having an affair with Brett Favre? Maybe watching “Memento” on DVD will give me some pointers to endure these baffling circumstances.
10.) I don’t think Vince Young will be a good quarterback in the NFL.
(I did not read Trent’s actual post over at SI; apologies if I inadvertently repeated something he wrote.)
June 29th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
You haven’t seen asshole parents until you’ve taught in a suburban public school where 80% of the mom’s don’t work and have nothing to do but bust your balls all day long over Johnny’s 89%(B) that she thinks should be a 90%(A)!
June 30th, 2009 at 2:43 am
Ted Drewes: the only good thing about my years at college in St. Louis.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:16 am
1. Well, Marmalard cracked 4000 for the first time last season by the skin of his teeth (4009), and they now have two healthy and highly-paid RBs on the roster. It’s really a lock that he’s gonna do it again?
I also have serious doubts that Pey Pey will be able to crack 4000, seeing that he only narrowly reached that mark in the last 2 seasons (4040, and 4002). If Addai wasn’t so fucking terrible, I’d say there’s no chance that Manning reaches 4000 next season, never mind being a “lock”.
And I’ll eat my fucking hat if Cutler reaches 4000 next season: ONE QB (Erik Kramer, with 3838 yds in ‘95) has ever thrown over 3200 yards in a season for the Bears. Oh, but I’m sure Rashied Davis and Earl Bennett are up to the task.
3. People are still predicting that Reggie Bush is going to have a breakout season? And since when is dating a reality TV star “keeping a low profile”? Unless you mean “keeping a low profile” on the practice field, in which case that’s a great predictor for a monster year!
6. Mark Brunell is still playing?
June 30th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
This week off thing is the gayest thing that’s ever gayed. You don’t see other NFL blogs taking this week off because of a lack of NFL news *cough*peterking*cough* … And instead Drew gets to go talk to super models. The people have been bamboozled.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I’m guessing most of you hate Bill Simmons if you are reading this blog. I certainly do. This is off-topic but he’s got Chuck Klosterman on his podcast this week and Klosterman just calls him out on his bullshit as always. The BS Report is normally torture but I admit I love hearing Simmons get dismantled by Chuck every time he’s on.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Speaking of podcasts, what became of Drew’s podcast with Jim Brown? Did he ask any of our questions?
July 1st, 2009 at 4:41 am
This is the worst week ever.
July 1st, 2009 at 10:48 am
This week in FUCK YOU: Psycho Bitches
Actually that’s every week in FUCK YOU
July 1st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
/wanders on to KSK
‘mumblemumbleFUCK! mumbleFUCK!’
//wanders away
July 1st, 2009 at 2:59 pm
With the parents away for a whole week, when’s the kegger? I mean come on guys, one of you have to have the balls to hold a kegger?
July 1st, 2009 at 6:28 pm
This week in Fuck You: Death
Why is Donald Trump still alive, you motherfucker?! Karl Malden, he’s worth taking (well, OK, he was 97), but Trump still skulks the earth? What gives?
This coming holiday weekend presents the perfect opportunity for a stray spark from a giant fireworks display to light Trump’s hair on fire and take his whole head with it. Just a thought.
RE sex mailbag: If I get time, I’ll try to compose a long, descriptive letter about how I’m banging a half-dozen smoking hotties, yet somehow still have a problem with it that needs fixing. If I’m not too exhausted from all the no-strings sex I’m having.
July 1st, 2009 at 6:50 pm
@Miles — Party at the moon-tower.
Man, this place is empty. Helllllloooo?
Mrs. Pommelhorse?
July 1st, 2009 at 11:55 pm
While these Assholes are on vacation we are left to find our own hot ass babes on the net. Here’s Penguin Center Evgeni Malkin’s piece of tail.
http://www.yardbarker.com/All_Sports/article_external/Evgeni_Malkin_Hits_Miami_Beach_With_Hot_Girlfriend/761492
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 am
wall street journal’s link from deadspin about de-mo’s visits to all the nfl teams. hey, this one’s about the seahawks! and guess who’s complaining about one on one drills?!?!?
Then another player, veteran free safety Brian Russell, raises a question about the so-called voluntary spring workouts, known as Organized Team Activities, which are voluntary in name only. Mr. Russell says the coaches have been putting the players in one-on-one drills, which, as Mr. Russell recalls, aren’t supposed to take place during the pads-free spring workouts.
“Maybe you guys could stay around for practice?” Mr. Russell suggests. Mr. Smith and the four other NFLPA executives he has come here with do just that. No one-on-one drills take place, which doesn’t surprise Mr. Smith.
cc, perhaps you can take some time off your vaca and give us a splendid bitching session about this one…
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:21 am
My hate for that cocksucker would make Drew proud
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
@slash:
Fine idea. Please make sure to include numerous photos.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:55 am
@ slash:
27 8×10 color photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back explaining what each one was will do.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Early SEXY Friday
http://www.fvrss.com/2008/08/big-boobs-shoeshine-girl.html
if I had the capital, I would definitely open a chain of shoeshine places with girls that look like this
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
To review past Sexy Friday’s
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?s=sexy+friday
have blockage at work (internet that is) so stuck with KSK reruns
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Dear Givers of Blumpkins,
I have recently begun masturbating using a concoction of tears, snot, and feces as lube. Thoughts?
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Much like in Jeopardy, when you don’t answer in the form of a question, if you ask a sex question at KSK without including a completely arbitrary football question, your sex question becomes invalidated.
Now you must go through the rest of your life without getting our opinions on your disgusting, repulsive and unsanitary lube practices. Sorry.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 am
Lofty Lube, The lube designed for those romantic nights with a land barron after he spends they day on his tractor. Available at all walking distance Starbucks.