bocce-tribune02“NOW I TELL YA, THAT’S A HECK OF A TOSS. RIGHT NEXT TO THE JACK, WHICH IS USUALLY THE BEST WAY TO WIN AT BOCCE” Bocce, the sport of choice for old xenophobic Italian men and drunk hipsters at barbecues, has proponents in the form of Steve Mariucci and John Madden, who have hosted a Bay Area charity celebrity tournament the past 10 years.

Yet somehow every penny of the $3 million raised in that time has been squandered on such unlofty frivolities as the Boys and Girls Clubs and the Special Olympics, with nary a dime going to help already wealthy sportswriters in need. I believe I am safe in assuming there won’t be a trace of concrete cyanide gracing this tournament anytime soon. Though if PK were to make an appearance, a game of mumblety-peg should immediately break out.