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Dalai Lama: It is my joy to appear and speak before you, people of Massachusetts. Emotionally, mentally, physically, we are same. Everyone have the same right to achieve happy life. The path to spiritual health is open to all who wish to negotiate it.

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Patriots fans: [Crushing silence only broken by the sounds of people texting]

Dalai Lama: Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

Patriots fans: [More silence, some begin to file out]

Dalai Lama: Our should be a mission of peace. What use is it to struggle against others when we all flow within the same lifeblood? Only with understanding and empathy can we better our own existence. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Patriots fans: [More silence. The sound of crickets chirping is heard]

Dalai Lama: I am failing to reach them. Perhaps I must speak in their tongue.

Dalai Lama

Dalai Lama: [Dons Patriots hat] OW-AH ENLIGHTENMENT IS MAAAHHHH PRAHFOUND THAN YO-AH ENLIGHTENMENT! WE APPRECIATE THA UNIVAHSE ON DEEPAH LEVELS! BECAWSE WE’RE WICKED SMAHT! COLTS FANS DO FAGGY MEDITATIONS WITH THEIR CAWKS! AND THEY STILL HAVE INNAH TUMULT AFTERWARDS! WE BEEN LOYAL FOLLOWAHS OF THE GREAT BUDDHIST NATION SINCE THE FIRST BODHISATTVA. WE EVEN GOT HIS THROWBACK TO PROVE IT! HE’S BETTAH THAN YO-AW SPIRITUAL LEADAH!

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Patriots fans:

But you’re still not white!

Brian Scalabrine said only through Twisted Teas could one achieve inner peace! YOU CALLING HIM A LIE-AH!?

THIS GUY’S A FACKIN’ FRAWD!

LET’S HAVE HIM DRAWN AND QUAHTAHED! RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE!

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Wes Welker: People, people! That is the most esteemed Dalai Lama. He of all people is worthy of our attention and respect. Heed the lessons he tells to you today. Much wisdom, he has.

Patriots fans: [All] We will do as you say. We are followers of the Words of Welkah. His is the Way and the Light.

Wes Welker: Go in peace my children.

Patriots fans: [All] Peace be unto Wes. We will allow the gook to speak his Asian words.

Wes Welker: Also: Pedroia is a false prophet.

Patriots fans: [All] Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first! Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first!