Tom Cable Is Your Alcoholic Uncle Who Failed Out of Junior College and Now Works Blue-Collar Jobs in a Town of Fewer than 15,000 People
He doesn’t mow that field. He cuts the grass. (Sometimes they let him paint the lines!)
He runs the hell out of a concession stand. He knows right way to top off a Pepsi so it doesn’t foam over the edge of the cup.
Every summer he helps the marching band raise money by eating their funnel cakes at the fair.
He spends his nights in a shed behind the field.
He “volunteers” at the weekly fish fry at the VFW post, but really he’s in it for the fry-batter.
He used to own a hound dog. Used to…
The most expensive beer he drinks is Budweiser.
He did not purchase those shorts — he found them.
Though he has no children, he’s an avid supporter of the high school football team.
“You kids know about meth? I’ll tell ya about meth.”
Tags: captain caveman, ksk group posts, oakland raiders, Raider Nation identifies with him, tom cable, we could do this all day
May 13th, 2009 at 10:53 am
“Did you just call me… Blob?”
/saw Wolverine last night
//huge mistake
May 13th, 2009 at 11:02 am
His sneakers are made by Spalding.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:06 am
So, this means I actually have a chance to get out of this shithole and become an NFL coach?!!
Oh…
/Goes back to drinking Blatz
May 13th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Al lets him have a whistle.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Ouch! My childhood!
May 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am
He doesn’t pay for haircuts. He has his own clippers.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:13 am
His favorite summer activities include lawnmower races and toilet-seat horseshoes.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
He smokes generic cigarettes or he smokes unfinished ones he finds on the ground.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
He wants to know if your sister’s friend – you know, the one with the big sweater puppies – has a boyfriend.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Why pay to hook into the city water supply? Wash yourself and your clothes in your feeding trough when it rains.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
He wants to know if you’ve still got that cleavage?
May 13th, 2009 at 11:32 am
He wants to know if you’re gonna finish those fries, cause ya know, it would be a shame to let perfectly good fries go to waste.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:34 am
You’ve never called him to buy some worthless overpriced shit at a worthless, overpriced piece of shit’s charity auction.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:34 am
$50 says Cable picks his nose.
Double or nothing he eats it!!
May 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
that is a jacked up ass hair cut…looks like a backwards horseshoe
May 13th, 2009 at 11:44 am
/saw Wolverine last night
//huge mistake
Avoided that turd like the plague. Knew better.
Oh…
He wants to use your Internet for a few minutes tonight to…you know…check his email.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Tom knows he’s not gay. He sucked a dick once … didn’t like it.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:50 am
His favorite movie is Road House – Dalton whups fuckin’ ass and that monster truck at the end rules.
http://twitter.com/footballcookies
May 13th, 2009 at 11:56 am
His favorite movie is the straight-to-VHS “Snakes on a Train” he shoplifted from the WaWa
May 13th, 2009 at 11:56 am
He’ll be happy to tell you all about how he once fucked a cheerleader’s best friend’s fat older sister.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
He knows all the guys who work at the scrap metal warehouse.
The only places he’s ever been to on vacation are Kentucky and Missouri
He’s on his 3rd pickup truck that was made before 1993. All American made.
He went out drinking once with the drummer from ‘Firefall’, ten years after they were popular– and still talks about it fifteen years after that
He likes to tell people he really knows his way around a catalytic converter, but really doesn’t
He drives a bus for the school, but they only let him drive for the elementary children. Never any older than that.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
He coaches the Oakland Raiders
May 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
He coaches The Oakland Raiders, thank you.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
He once fell for a girl named Lurleen. She dumped him after finding him siphoning gasoline from parked cars.
They called him “Stinky” in high school.
He wears a dirty Casio digital watch he found on the side of the road four years ago. It still works, so what the hell.
He once swallowed an egg whole with two witnesses. It was the high point of his summer of ‘77.
U2 is for pussies. There, he said it.
Ain’t no eatin’ like Rico’s Pork Rinds.
There his brother goes again, showing off his kids and career. God, what a pompous dick.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
His favorite team is Ohio State
May 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
He sleeps on a waterbed. Well, a water mattress. OK, a kiddie pool.
In 1997, he realized that he wouldn’t have to mow the grass so much if he didn’t water it.
He dated a one-eyed woman for seven months solely for the fact that she would make deviled eggs every Sunday.
He has a flat-screen on layaway at Costco – if you lend him your car this afternoon, he’ll let you watch it.
He wears tighty-whiteys that are neither tight nor white anymore.
He owns a George Dickel Distillery polo shirt, and has worn it to a wedding.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
All of this is possible except failing out of JuCo. I had a student who got an “A” in his Composition I class and a “B” in Western Civ I from a JuCo. At the 4-year university where I teach, he was failing my Western Civ II class and a Composition II class. Turned out he was illiterate. Not “functionally” illiterate — illiterate as in he couldn’t read, “See the dog.” Higher education at its best.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
@ Punch Rockgroin: Awesome, awesome Carl reference.
“You still, ah, smugglin those balloons with ya everywhere ya go?! Where are you now?”
May 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
He supplements “grass” for “vegetables” in his diet.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
He understands why the bar stopped serving him, but the liquor store had no right to ask him to leave.
His other shorts are cutoffs.
He saw Wolverine, and thought it was fucking awesome.
He drinks the rail bourbon. It’s just as good as Jack, except for the taste.
On the stairs to his house… fine, double-wide… anyway, on his stairs, there is one of those big ass Maxwell House cans. It is completely full of cigarette butts and rainwater.
His dog is missing a shitload of teeth.
May 13th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Go to hell all you Raider Haters
/cries himself to sleep
May 14th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Let’s talk ’bout ducks…
May 14th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Roger Clemens needs to start hitting the juice again.
May 15th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Drinks Keystone Light because Coors Light is too ‘high class’ for him.