This Week In F—k You: Matt Millen
05.28.09
We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, I’d like to present you with our new off-topic (or on-topic, in this week’s instance) offseason feature…
THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU.
Every week or so, we’ll be taking our lack-of-football-related depression out on any number of deserving targets: people, things, abstract ideas, group dinners, etc. It’s just the kind of cathartic invective we excel at. This week, MATT MILLEN.
I’ve already ranted about the resurrection of Matt Millen’s broadcasting career, but I stumbled on something from Florio’s PFT earlier this week that rekindled my white hot fury. Two items. We start with this one:
In the wake of the surprising news that Tony Kornheiser is out and Jon Gruden is in as a member of the ESPN Monday night booth, we’ve picked up some more information regarding the manner in which this whole thing went down.
We’re told that, when former Lions CEO Matt Millen accepted a position with ESPN, he did so with the understanding that if/when a spot opens in the Monday night booth he would be given the assignment.
Per a source with knowledge of Millen’s broadcasting career, we’re told that Millen is not happy about the fact that he didn’t get Kornheiser’s chair.
Oh, you’re not happy, Millen? Oh, isn’t that a shame. Boy, we’d hate to see you feel a millisecond of distress there, kiddo. YOU FUCKING UNWORTHY SACK OF SHIT. Where in the fuck do you get off thinking you’re entitled to ANY FUCKING THING? You fucking failure of a human being. You fucking 0-16 sack of fuck. There’s only one person who could make me yearn for TK back in the booth, and that’s your retard Pennsylvania ass. “Duh, I’m Matt Millen and I like riding my lawnmower!”
FUCK YOU.
You really think you’re somehow more deserving of a chair in the MNF than Jon Gruden? Well, let me disclose a little statistic to you there, Matty. Know how many games Gruden won last year? Nine. Not a great number of wins. And they faded down the stretch to miss the playoffs. When you think about it, nine wins doesn’t seem all that great. Then again, THAT’S NINE MORE FUCKING WINS THAN YOUR FUCKING GODBORTION OF A FUCKING TEAM WON LAST YEAR. YOU FUCK.
Do you know how much it enrages people all across the world that you are gainfully employed? Do you know how much it makes less fortunate people want to fishhook you until your cheeks are behind your ears? There are people out there desperately looking for jobs. Good people. Smart people. People eminently qualified to do any number of things: nursing, contracting, consulting, selling life insurance, TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL FOR THREE HOURS A WEEK. These people are busting their balls just to find a job so that they can pay rent, or buy food, or see the doctor, or pay for any number of life’s obligatory expenses. AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO COMPLAIN?
DIE. DIE FOREVER.
But wait. I’m not even finished. There’s more…
We reported last week that ESPN’s Matt Millen was miffed at the addition of Jon Gruden to the network’s Monday Night Football broadcast. As we’ve heard it, Millen believes he was promised dibs on the first open chair in the booth. (ESPN denied that any such promise was made to Millen, or that he was upset about anything.)…
We’d been told that, after Millen didn’t get the spot that went to Gruden, Millen tried to resurrect negotiations with NFLN. Initially, we heard that the league-owned network was not expected to be receptive, given that Millen previously had dissed NFLN.
We’re now hearing that Millen could end up getting the job.
Millen likely would take the position on a moonlighting basis…
Oh, so this asshole gets TWO jobs now? It’s not enough that he Hoovers up one goddamn job some other worthy person could have, now he’s gotta hog two? This fucking flaming pile of FAIL? This galactic fuckup? He gets to swim in job offers while we all fucking drown?
THIS WORLD IS FUCKED.
You listen to me, Millen. You shitstached douchejar. You are the goddamn luckiest asshole on the face of the Earth. BAR NONE. You have cronies seemingly at every level of football and broadcasting just aching to throw money at you to wildly underperform. And if that’s the way it goes, then that’s the way it goes. But I don’t EVER want to hear you fucking complaining about somehow getting dicked over in the process. YOU FUCKED A TOWN, MILLEN. A WHOLE TOWN. YOU BENT THAT TOWN OVER AND THEN RAPED IT WITH AN EGGBEATER. If there was a God (and there clearly isn’t), you would be living at the bottom of a Mumbai shitshanty.
Instead, you get to just merrily coast along, falling bass ackwards into a job millions of people would kill for. WELL FUCKING APPRECIATE YOUR GOOD FORTUNE, YOU FUCKING COCKROBBER. Fucking savor every minute that somehow, some way, there are people out there who think YOU, of all people, are qualified to talk about football on television. And know, deep in your heart, that you are, in reality, a fraud. You are the fucking Chauncey Gardiner of real life. So enjoy it, you shit. Savor it. AND DON’T EVER FUCKING BITCH ABOUT HOW YOU GOT SOME KIND OF RAW DEAL. Because the real raw deal is a world that allows for your charmed fucking existence.
COCK.
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I WILL NOT WATCH ANOTHER GAME THAT FAT ASS MILLENS MUG IS DIRTYING UP MY TV SCREEN
I just dont understand how matt millen continues to have high profile positions in the NFL and broadcasting ..He single handedly has set the detroit lions back at least ten years in developement. How does a team that drafts that high in the draft year after year end up with nothing. The Lions are now 2 and 34 for the last 36 games alone.
WAKE UP FOOT BALL AMERICA….. This guy should be sitting on a bar stool in allen town drinking up his ill gotten gains talking about how those pictures of BILL FORD that kept his fat ass in a job for seven year longer than sould have.
as a currently unemployed former detroiter, this may be my favorite fuck-you yet. my one regret is that i can’t send this article to my dad (longtime season-ticket holder and millen-hater); he’d love the sentiment but might never recover from the fact that his daughter reads a blog that used the term “shitstached douchejar.”
Matt Millen, the worst thing to come out of Penn State since Matt Millen.
Well, Ditmas Av, I suppose we should be fair and say that this report is not necessarily true; however, are we in any way required to be fair to Millen? Deep question. (Lofty question?)
I’m sorry, I have to know, exactly what can Millen bring to the table?
“Tampa’s setting up in the Cover 2, Matt, but they’re currently down 78-0 to the Ravens. What would you do in this situation, Matt?”
“Well, 78 to nothing is pretty pathetic but I think, by taking out Barrett Ruud and replacing him with this cripple I found at the hot dog stand, I could make it worse.”
“What does he have?”
“Like I’d care, full retardism or some shit.”
Uh, C-Student – I believe that would have been the early 50′s.
And let’s not forget that the REAL reason that the Lions suck is William Clay Ford Jr. He’s the one who originally hired MR. Wonderful, and then kept him on.
Finally, after killing the contract, he didn’t follow normal rules and clean house, he promoted the Millen Jr’s who were already in place!
As my father would have said, “A real pair to draw to”
If you want to know how Millen got his jobs, Peter King has the voicemails.
Three (more) tragic aspects of the Detroit Lions:
• Marvin Gaye was a lifelong Lions fan. He once tried out for the team and was good friends with some of the players; two of whom sang back up on the “What’s Going On?” single. Later, his Dad killed him.
• Alex Karras went on to star in “Webster”.
• George Plimpton was a back-up backup QB for the Lions in his participatory journalist book “Paper Lion”. Now he’s dead.
God Bless you and stay shitty, Lions. Those two extra wins a year really help.
John Gruden’s Bucs: 9-7.
Matt Millen’s Lions’ win total the past two seasons: 7.
It’s amazing how scum bags like him always seem to land on their feet.
jackin’4beats Says:
May 28th, 2009 at 10:41 am
“Not only does he run a once proud franchise into the ground…”
Uh, when were they a proud franchise? I’ve always known them to be shit.
I can assure all of you that as I write this live from the new King family condominium in the South End of Boston that Matt “Millenaire” knows his football.
@Gary Nightwagon: It could be worse. Everyone called him “Matty” four years ago.
Matt Millen is what happens when you continue to go by the name “Matt” after 25.
I am adding my FUCK YOU YOU GOD DAMNED DOUCHETASTIC COCKSUCKER sentiment – as I am one of those looking for a fucking job that doesn’t require me to work with 16 year old brats – and this fat fuck of failure now has two? For fucks sake, can’t Madden shoot that fuck?
/almost ruins birthday happiness
//goes to look at porn
///all better
BDD, please break this once from football tradition and rant your poetic rant about Steve Phillips.
I am smiling in happiness at the awesomeness of this rant. This takes rants to new levels! I don’t know that it can be topped, yet I know Drew will try. But this topic is so perfect a juxtaposition of fucktardery meeting outraged population of fans in dire straits on so many levels.
Nine wins ago for the Detroit Lions organization, it was October 2006.
Think about that, ladies and gentlemen.
This story from Florio about Millen trying to bitch his way into the MNF booth when he already has a job he in no way deserves puts to rest any reports that he’s a “nice guy”.
Y’know, this is the first “f–k you” that I’ve really been able to get behind. I mean, I hate some of your other targets, but nothing comes close to Millen’s incompetence (and lay off Mel Kiper, Jr. – he’s great!). I heard/read somewhere that he’s a genuinely nice guy; however, that does not make up for his complete lack of any ability whatsoever. He makes the Brown family look like a well-oiled machine.
Much like Steve Phillips, you could make a killing by betting on the opposite of whatever Millen recommends.
@ Fake Ron Santo: Yes, I see now that my analogy was a failure……..
LIKE MATT MILLEN!!!
*drum roll??
After he finished working on the pipes, the toilets overflowed and filled the locker room with shit.
Nah, the locker rooms were already filled with shit. It had uniforms and everything! HEY-O!!!!
*crickets*
This motherfucker shouldn’t be anywhere near a football game, let alone in the broadcast booth. If he had any decency, he’d kill himself in a gruesome manner as penance for what he did to Lions fans.
There are rants. There are awesome rants. And then there’s Drew.
Wonderful rant, Drew. Lofty rant.
I hear Matt Millen was cast to voice Gay Tony.
also: Mumbai Shitshanty
Already taken. Get in line, people!
As a former Lions fan, this should even be worded more strongly. He took one of the worst franchises in sports and somehow managed to make it even worse.
The unmitigated gall of this screaming asshole. He should personally apologize to everyone left in the Detroit area. That should take 30-40 minutes for the 34 of us left.
Being in Detroit, I see closeup how nasty this guy was…
Pretty much the most unqualified person to talk football. Unless there was like a special section on shitty teams where Millen could discuss just how shitty they will end up.
dont bear attacks result in plastic surgery?
also: Mumbai Shitshanty
another great fantasy team name:
THE GODBORTIONS
right up there with FLUFFAHNUTTAH SANDWICHES
You are the goddamn luckiest asshole on the face of the Earth. BAR NONE.
Um, Isaiah Thomas?
Millen fucked up so royally that fucking VIKINGS fan are coming to the defense of Lions fans. A decade ago, A Viking fan would have done no such thing, and a Lions fan wouldn’t have wanted it. Now they’re like fucking Brothers in Arms. Unreal.
Douchejar and Cockrobber.
Filed away for future use.
Matt Millen puts the fucktard in fucktard.
You shitstached douchejar.
Win.
Drew, marry me.
“people want to fishhook you until your cheeks are behind your ears”
I want to fishhook him until his skin pops off his head.
“RAPED IT WITH AN EGGBEATER”
So you read my mailbag submission?
Well deserved, of course, but this Millen guy is just going along with the current thinking, that lack of demonstrated competence at a job shouldn’t be an obstacle. He’s following the example set by the Bush administration, Congress, the MBA assholes who ran our economy into the ground, Paris Hilton, network executives, the entire housing industry, etc. Everybody expects to fail upwards in America, why should he be any different?
This is bittersweet for me … I like the fact that for 16 weeks, often while sitting pantless and surrounded by cheap beer and leftover pizza, I won as many games and was as successful as an NFL CEO.
I’m confused. Is “bass ackwards” a typo or a new term for the undeserved dumb luck Millen has?
AND DON’T EVER FUCKING BITCH ABOUT HOW YOU GOT SOME KIND OF RAW DEAL. Because the real raw deal is a world that allows for your charmed fucking existence.
Agreed. I think those words were quasi-Shakespearian.
Matt Millen is to Success what Bear Attacks are to Plastic Surgery
^slight correction
The only way Millen is like a spleen is when a spleen is damaged, it will protect itself long enough to *kill* the person it is part of unless it is removed. Like what Millen did to the Lion’s.
@tf88
You’re confusing spleen with appendix.
An appendix will become bloated with bacteria, explode, and kill you while serving no useful function in the life of modern man that medicine or science can define.
A spleen prevents a series of infections by housing B-lymphocytes in the lymphoid follicles and T-lymphocytes in the periarteriolar lymphoid sheaths, both portions of the white pulp, while destroying aged, useless red blood cells in the red pulp.
The only way Millen is like a spleen is when a spleen is damaged, it will protect itself long enough to the person it is part of unless it is removed. Like what Millen did to the Lion’s.
tf88, One Chris Simms disagrees.
How in the living hell are people fawning over this incompetent cockburglar? Not only does he run a once proud franchise into the ground, but he’s upset when he’s “passed” over for a job? A pox on you Millen. A pox on you and your entire family. You deserve nothing short of pinworms in your ass.
He truly is Chauncey Gardiner (I had to look that one up).
Matt Millen is like a spleen. He’s useless.
+1 for the ‘Being There’ reference. Sadly, Peter Sellers character probably would’ve run that team more competently than Millen.
There are also rumors that Millen is employed as contractor . . .
It’s true. Mr. Ford hired Matt to maintain and repair the plumbing in the stadium. Apparently, he has a union card. After he finished working on the pipes, the toilets overflowed and filled the locker room with shit.
Mr. Ford and Matt shared a laugh at the irony.
There are also rumors that Millen is employed as contractor for the Lions for a period after he was fired as GM. Why on Earth would any time want him as a contractor?
So Matt Millen says we should sign this WR.
Great make a note never to sign that person, ever.
Millen in the Monday Night booth, hehe now *that’s* funny. During his entire time in Detroit the Lions played only one game on Monday night; they lost to the Rams 35-0 (at home). That was in 2001. The MNF crew actually came to town a few years back for a pre-season game and the local press all but shit themselves with happiness along the lines of, “Maybe next year the Lions will be good enough to get a real game!” We’re all still waiting on that one.
Fuck you, Matt Millen.
Godbortion…Newest word of the week. Thanks Drew.
“Good people. Smart people.”
Lofty people?
I always like to incorporate a city in my fantasy team names, so I’m going with the Mumbai Shitshanties.
I bet he drives a Honda too.
I just found my ’09 fantasy team name: The Shitstached Douchejars
Matt Millen was also told he would take Falco’s place in this blog.