The Only Reason The Bengals Won’t Go After Michael Vick
This is a bad economy to be trifling with the support of fans and sponsors with conservative, anti-dog-killing values, and one could argue that Vick’s deteriorated acumen at quarterback wouldn’t be enough to offer a team to offset the ensuing PR meltdown from its own supporters. He could still get picked up, but it won’t be until later in the summer or early fall, when season ticket forms and sponsorship checks have already been turned in. But I’m wandering off-topic.
I wrote yesterday that Vick’s unusual label as The Dog Killer among fans would be near-impossible to shake. Oh sure, the networks producing the games will do everything to make you try. You’ll hear about how Vick is ready to “move on” and “rebuild his life” and maybe we’ll watch some semi-sincere mea culpa from Vick on ESPN over soft piano music. And we’ll watch and think Yeah, Mike. We get it. You’re sorry. If I had pissed away over $100 million the way you did, I’d be sorry, too. If you only had some fresh-faced children and an incredibly gullible wife that the cameras could pan to every 45 seconds. That worked like a charm for Kobe Bryant.
Bengals owner Mike Brown enjoys giving people second chances, although he does seem to enjoy picking up the occasional discarded player with “character issues” and the like (see “Benson, Cedric,” and the first day of this year’s draft). He seems like the perfect owner to get into The Dog Killing quarterback business. Brown knows what those sorts of players know, that if you want to be in the NFL, it’s Bengals or bust. Anybody can fuck up eight ways to Sunday, but if you’ve got game, just wait by the phone, because Mike Brown will be calling. Probably collect, too. Cheap bastard.
Two reasons why the Bengals won’t go after Vick (yeah, I lied. Shoot me). One, obviously, is Palmer. The Bengals have a franchise quarterback in place for the next six years, meaning that either Vick would be trading doses of pepper spray with Benson in the backfield or changing the name on the back of his jersey to SIETE and lining up in the slot across from Chad Whatshisname, which, come to think, wouldn’t be such a horrible PR makeover at all.
But there is another reason, and this would be more applicable to other teams in the running for whatever service Vick intends to offer another team. And that’s the obvious PR problem–you can’t reward the fans for the leap of faith it would take for them to root for Michael Vick again. I presume that you, like me, were in awe and appreciation of the highlight reel scrambles the guy would churn out for the Falcons each week. I loved that element of his game, but you know damn well that I avoided his ass in fantasy football like the plague.
If Vick could lead his new team to the Super Bowl, The Dog Killer would be reinvented as A Guy That Won The Dogfight Of His Life or some other sappy shit like that. And it would take at least that to get the dog-killing taste out of everyone’s mouth. And by everyone, I mean “white people,” because they seem to be the only ones hung up on this whole thing. Get over yourselves, white people.
But the Bengals aren’t going to a Super Bowl any sooner than Drew’s posing for Playgirl or Jesus returning to earth to tell everyone what big assholes they’ve been. It’s not happening. But what about the rest of the league? How much better can Mike Vick make your team?
Of course, the Bengals will probably sign him next week now. Damn you, Mike Brown.
Tags: cincinnati bengals, michael vick, MMP, we are not equating vick to a serial killer
May 21st, 2009 at 9:33 am
True words.Lofty words.
/shows self out
May 21st, 2009 at 9:37 am
More homerism? KSK is my favorite Bengals blog!
rabblerabblerabblerabblerabblerabblerabble
/commenters
May 21st, 2009 at 9:38 am
…or Jesus returning to earth to tell everyone what big assholes they’ve been.”
You mean, like, December 21, 2012?
/puts on Mayan Foil Hat
May 21st, 2009 at 9:46 am
He’ll sign with the Patriots, and the media will instantly forget that he was ever in trouble. They’ll be too busy praising Belicheck’s personnel moves. Only a true genius would give Vick a chance when the rest of the league passed on him!
May 21st, 2009 at 9:47 am
I’m cancelling my subscription to Playgirl.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:56 am
Poop, are you no longer the other white meat?
May 21st, 2009 at 9:57 am
I want the Bengals to sign Vick, solely to hear J.T. O’Sullivan’s opinion on the matter.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:19 am
Damn PUNTE. It is punishment enough that you are a Bengals fan. There’s no way Mike Brown could find a way to screw you over any more…is there? Hello?
Oh well, guess you better get used to “the real wildcat” in Cincinnati next season.
/silently prays that JJ doesn’t sign Vick
May 21st, 2009 at 10:20 am
But the Bengals aren’t going to a Super Bowl any sooner than Drew’s posing for Playgirl
I need bleach for my mind.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:28 am
Why have I heard that the Bills are interested? Are we the new Bengals?
May 21st, 2009 at 10:32 am
“Get over yourselves, white people”
right after i get my entitlements
May 21st, 2009 at 10:34 am
You know he’s going to be an Oakland Raider? Don’t you?
May 21st, 2009 at 10:37 am
Mike Brown can and will find a way to fuck Bengal fans. He always has and always will
“Vick would be trading doses of pepper spray with Benson in the backfield ” that is comedy gold Jerry
May 21st, 2009 at 10:39 am
Snyder is going to try and sign him first. He has already has hall, why not get get vick too?
/ heard it here first
May 21st, 2009 at 10:41 am
Nah. Say what you like about Vick, but he is talented (at slot WR, not QB). The Bengals won’t sign him because they prefer to sign felonious scrubs, not felons with talent.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:47 am
Thursday, May 21
Yahoo! News (via AP)
…O’Sullivan remarked: “The Bengali Tygers of Cincinnatus will not tempt the fates by selecting to rehabilitate the Afroman Vick. Though the condemnation of canine pugilism would be prevarication on my behalf, a true gentleman does not require the general populace to be knowing of such recreational exploits. O, such canine ferocity! O, what haymakers of the muzzle!
To be certain, should general management inform my fellow Bengalis that Afroman Vick has been appointed the superceder of the quartered-back position, the haymakers will ot be restrained. Indeed, the haymakers will let fly with such ferocity that Mssr. O’Sullivan, Esq., could not be held accountable for the ensuing mayhem. Kaiser Obama himself might be obligated to intercede.”
May 21st, 2009 at 10:51 am
1. No way the Bengals even think of signing Vick.
2. No way Vick ever sniffs the Super Bowl.
/see what I did there?
May 21st, 2009 at 10:53 am
we are not equating vick to a serial killer
… of humans. He damn sure killed a whole series of dogs.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:59 am
I’m just curious to see if he gets a harsher suspension than Leonard Little. Hey, PETA, humans are animals! Where were you assholes then?
May 21st, 2009 at 11:02 am
I’ll take him Nashville. He did his time in the pen for killing dogs. Which, might I point out, are dogs. Not people. Dogs. Is animal cruelty wrong? Yes. Is animal cruelty people cruelty? No. I think Titans fans would be able to deal with it.
*This post was influence by a pitt-bull inflicted 8-inch scar on my left forearm. Fuck those dogs.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:07 am
P.S. Ray Lewis killed a man and noone seems to care. multiple dogs > person?
May 21st, 2009 at 11:07 am
Why would a Titans fan want the original Vince Young?
May 21st, 2009 at 11:14 am
@ mighty
Actually that was TWO people.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:17 am
Mitzu: Most pit-bulls aren’t that bad, it’s how the cocksuckers that want them to fight raise them. I also have a half inch scar on my nose from a bad pit, but I don’t write them off as dangerous animals. It’s all in how they are raised. Dogs are simple animals that respond to affection and cruelty, you show them cruelty, they’re gonna be asshats. BTW Vick should DIAF, or be mauled to death my the dogs he abused. Fuck him in the ear with a chainsaw.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:35 am
Although I have my suspicions regarding Ray Lewis, the Fulton County District Attorney botched that prosecution so badly that he only was able to obtain a plea to misdemeanor obstruction of justice. The state never produced evidence that Ray Lewis killed anyone, so we will never know for sure. Vick, on the other hand, admitted in open court that he intentionally killed the dogs.
The Leonard Little comparison is more troubling because he unquestionably caused that woman’s death. The difference for me is that, while he was irresponsible, Leonard Little did not set out that night to kill anyone. Mike Vick intended to kill those dogs. Plus, I believe that Little has expressed genuine remorse for what he did. I haven’t seen that from Vick.
Sorry about the pit bull attack. You realize, however, that pit bulls are not born attackers, right? More than likely, someone mistreated him or trained him to be aggressive. Instead of directing your anger at pit bulls, you should direct it at people who train pit bulls to fight and/or otherwise be aggressive. You know, people like Mike Vick.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I used half-way to buy the whole “No, no it’s not the dog it’s the trainer yadda yadda” shit for pitts. But, aside from only the one that fucked me up, some of my friends from college had to put theirs down because after it got a certain age it became strangely violently agressive towards children. Not towards anyone else, and it behaved normally at all times except when I child came around, then it just lost its shit. I think it was around 5, but they had raised it extremely well before that.
Not that a dog snapping after a certain age is breed specific either. Further, both my parents are vets, one from UGA and one from Auburn, I didn’t follow that profession, but I do have a working knowledge of dog breeds and there is an inherent aggression in some breeds and pitts happen to be one of them. I’m not sayin pitts should be outlawed or anything, I’m just sayin they’re not all born gentle as lambs.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:04 pm
a child*. damnit.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Oh yeah, let me note that I’m sayin it’s super cool for Vick to start a Pittbull Thunderdome or that Ron Mexico is really a good guy at heart. I’m just sayin he did the crime then he did the time. And he’s better than Kerry Collins who I fucking hate.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I agree with JAFO’s suggestion to fuck him in the ear with a chainsaw. Watching dogs tear each other apart for entertainment is some sick shit.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:19 pm
This whole thing is worse than when Lester and McNulty blew their wiretap when Cheese killed his dog. Cheese showed remorse, though.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@FeartheBuzzsaw
your 9 days late…December 12th buddy…but at least you’ll have your sweet foil hat
May 21st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
“A Guy That Won The Dogfight Of His Life”
Sappy shit. Lofty shit.
/leaves
May 21st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
@xmas ape
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much, or some shit. The proper bitchy commenter response is “what’s this? how’d this With Leather post get in my KSK?”
Of course, we salute you carrying the gay solo-project mafia on your back, maybe “KSK: brought to you by Boone T(unison) Wiggins?
May 21st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
As a Falcons fan and season ticket holder – I really appreciated the way Mike would throw the ball 80 mph right at the WR’s feet. I also liked how he consistently threw the ball 3 feet over the head of all slot receivers.
Hitting players in the numbers with passes is such a white thing to do. We need more soul passers in the NFL, na’mean?
Also – Atlanta sports talk radio has been awesome this week. Every African American within 100 miles is demanding that Arthur Blank apologize to Vick for not taking him back immediately and if you disagree you are clearly a fucking racist.
May 21st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Al Davis doesn’t know Vick’s been in jail.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
As long as Al Davis, Jerry Jones, and Dan Snyder are owners of NFL teams, Vick will find a new home.
By the way, if Vick does join a new team and gets on the bad side of the head coach, would the media say he’s in the “doghouse”? I bet they would, those clever bastards.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Rae Carruth can’t wait for parole.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Where the fuck are the dick jokes?
May 21st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
…and maybe we’ll watch some semi-sincere mea culpa from Vick on ESPN over soft piano music.
No, no, no…’tinkly piano bullshit’, please.
May 21st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Well done! I can’t wait to see where goes. This is going to be a fun season with him in the league again.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:03 pm
for the love of god let this guy sign with the 49ers. Singletary and Vick together must happen.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:13 pm
If he ever sees the field again, Art Schlichter would have one hell of a lawsuit against the NFL. Rozelle banned Art from ever playing again for gambling. What Vick has done is no different.
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:01 am
Why not Cleveland? Who wouldn’t want to see Vick cheered on by the Dawg Pound?
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:53 am
The Dolphins should sign him. White can run the Wildcat, and Vick can run the “Wild Dog” offense.
Yeah, that was horrible