Some Questions Better Left Unasked
05.01.09
Shawne Merriman: I am find no good… in draft pick of Larry English
Reporter: Why is that? He isn’t expected to challenge you for your starting spot.
Shawne Merriman: I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English
Reporter: But why?
Shawne Merriman: DRAFT PICK LARRY ENGLISH…cause question to my footballhood
Reporter: Your footballhood?
Merriman: Basic nature of footballness
Reporter: Footballness?
Merriman: POSSESSING QUALITY OF FOOTBALLNICITY!
Reporter: How then will you respond to this impugning of your footballhood?
Merriman: LIGHTS OUT DANCE!
Reporter: Just doing the dance?
Merriman: RAPE TACKLE FIRST
Reporter: Then Lights Out dance?
Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.
Reporter: At what point do you think fans and the media will stop questioning your footballhood?
Merriman: AFTER RAPE.
Reporter: Rape all of them?
Merriman: ALL WHO DARE QUESTION! RAPE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS!
Reporter: Uh, okay. Just to be clear, I’m not questioning you.
Merriman: But you asked questions.
Reporter: Yes, but that was questioning your motives, not your abilities. It’s not the same thing.
Merriman: YOU CALLED MOTIVEHOOD INTO QUESTION!? UNNGGGGAAAHHHHH!
Reporter: [Head darting around] Uh, technically, I guess, that is to say, I tried to get at the, uh, the … hey, anyone else around here that can control this guy?
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!
Reporter: Oh thank God.
Rivers: BACK! [Cracks whip] BACK, I SAY! BACK THE FUCK UP, STRATEGIC PENIS SILO!
[Floats 15-year-old Thai girl into large cage. Merriman follows and Rivers locks down behind him]
Rivers: That should settle him for a bit.
Reporter: Whew. Omigod. Omigod. I really can’t thank you enough.
Rivers: Give it a shot.
Reporter: Give what a shot?
Rivers: Thanking me for saving your rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.
Reporter: Uh. Ahem. Well. Thank you for very much.
Rivers: For?
Reporter: …saving my rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.
Rivers: And?
Reporter: And what?
Rivers: AND TRY SHOWING SOME MORE GRATITUDE, YOU MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
Reporter: What more can I do?
Rivers: For starters, you can run a story about LaDainian selling Plaxico guns and pushing that dude in front of Done Stallworth’s car, then calling Goodell’s wife a cuntcubus. Then in paragraph two, the tryst with Braylon Edwards is revealed. Here are artfully doctored photos.
Reporters: But that’s unethical!
Rivers: [Mocking voice] But that’s eeeetthhhiiicaaallll. Listen cockripple, I saved your life and I can unsave it just as fast.
[Merriman rams against the cage with a tibia between his teeth]
Reporter: So …where should this supposed tryst take place?
Rivers: GROUND ZERO, MOTHERFUCKER!
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Perfect bedtime story. Good to have a new Laserface and Merriam post.
Marmalard is my anti-drug.
I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English
Another fine product of College Park, MD
BEN vs. Shawnosaurus in a game of Cranium!
/saw “footballhood,” immediately thought “Bengals.”
Classic, classic stuff.
“I’m going to do the ‘Lights Out’ dance so often people will be glad to see me go — like, ‘Get that dance out of here.”
That story must be recycled from 2006.
I think when the obit of “Christmas Ape” is written, cuntcubus is going to appear somewhere among his achievements.
Well done sir. Well done.
Cuntcubus added to the vocabulary, thanks Ape!
Merriman has future casino greeter written all over him.
If only Dick Cheney had known the fear the threat of rape at the hands of Shawne Merriman would have been such an effective interrogation tool… Who ISN’T going to spill their guts after watching Shawne Merriman use his penis to hollow out a fellow detainee?
Footballness? Footballnicity?
Shawn Merrimen speaks like Peter King writes.
Sheer brilliance.
I can’t wait for the second installment of this, when Merriman re-enacts the Sigfreid and Roy tiger mauling.
Just read the PFT post about San Diego possibly letting him walk after this year. You can almost see Dan Snyder driving the dump truck full of cash with a jizz stain on his pants.
does merriman write those snickers ads?
At first, I thought “tibia” was “labia.” Really, I don’t know which would be more damaging.
Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.
Holy shit…I think I just shit my pants. (Which, ironically, probably comes next in Merriman’s sequence).
So Shawne Merriman is retarded? It’s nice to see the mentally challenged being given job opportunities.
Where’d he get the tibia?
The 15 year old Thai girl, I’d imagine.
Eating a fifteen year old Thai girl after you rape her is gross. On account of you’d be eating your own rape leavins.
Why does the sexay always arrive after business hours? This question need not go unanswered, amirite?
Where’d he get the tibia?
I can’t wait to use cuntcubus tonight at the bar.
I’d say something nasty about Merrimam, but I like my sphincter in it’s present shape.
Corinthian Marmalard will haunt my nightmares always. It’s nice to see a post where pictures of that Douche make me laugh instead of cry.
Who dares question the footballhood of a known ‘roider who missed a year with a knee? Not me!
MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK
cockripple
Two new insults go into the mental encyclopedia. SWEET.
/so is Merriman like those sick fucks in I AM LEGEND?
Needs more mouth-eyes.
Wouldn’t that 15 year old Thai girl STILL be floating into the cage?
I would have expected the sequence to go KILL RAPE EAT.
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!
Reporter: Oh thank God.
That’s a first
Fucking outstanding.
Where the hell do you come up with these pictures?
Wow, Ape, just wow. Out-fucking-standing. One of the best Marmalard posts of the entire douchey series.
I am relieved there is a proper order for the RAPE TACKLE and LIGHTS OUT DANCE. Lord knows you wouldn’t want to confuse the two.
That’s why Uproxx pays him the big bucks.
Cuntcubus, nice word Ape.
Ape, you work too hard. Its Friday afternoon and you created a whole new Marmalard post? You’re making the rest of us look bad.