merrimanface

Shawne Merriman: I am find no good… in draft pick of Larry English

Reporter: Why is that? He isn’t expected to challenge you for your starting spot.

Shawne Merriman: I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English

Reporter: But why?

Shawne Merriman: DRAFT PICK LARRY ENGLISH…cause question to my footballhood

Reporter: Your footballhood?

Merriman: Basic nature of footballness

Reporter: Footballness?

Merriman: POSSESSING QUALITY OF FOOTBALLNICITY!

Reporter: How then will you respond to this impugning of your footballhood?

Merriman: LIGHTS OUT DANCE!

Reporter: Just doing the dance?

Merriman: RAPE TACKLE FIRST

Reporter: Then Lights Out dance?

Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.

Reporter: At what point do you think fans and the media will stop questioning your footballhood?

Merriman: AFTER RAPE.

Reporter: Rape all of them?

Merriman: ALL WHO DARE QUESTION! RAPE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS!

Reporter: Uh, okay. Just to be clear, I’m not questioning you.

Merriman: But you asked questions.

Reporter: Yes, but that was questioning your motives, not your abilities. It’s not the same thing.

Merriman: YOU CALLED MOTIVEHOOD INTO QUESTION!? UNNGGGGAAAHHHHH!

Reporter: [Head darting around] Uh, technically, I guess, that is to say, I tried to get at the, uh, the … hey, anyone else around here that can control this guy?

[Door flies open]

riversface

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!

Reporter: Oh thank God.

riverstamer

Rivers: BACK! [Cracks whip] BACK, I SAY! BACK THE FUCK UP, STRATEGIC PENIS SILO!

[Floats 15-year-old Thai girl into large cage. Merriman follows and Rivers locks down behind him]

Rivers: That should settle him for a bit.

Reporter: Whew. Omigod. Omigod. I really can’t thank you enough.

Rivers: Give it a shot.

Reporter: Give what a shot?

Rivers: Thanking me for saving your rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.

Reporter: Uh. Ahem. Well. Thank you for very much.

Rivers: For?

Reporter: …saving my rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.

Rivers: And?

Reporter: And what?

Rivers: AND TRY SHOWING SOME MORE GRATITUDE, YOU MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Reporter: What more can I do?

Rivers: For starters, you can run a story about LaDainian selling Plaxico guns and pushing that dude in front of Done Stallworth’s car, then calling Goodell’s wife a cuntcubus. Then in paragraph two, the tryst with Braylon Edwards is revealed. Here are artfully doctored photos.

Reporters: But that’s unethical!

Rivers: [Mocking voice] But that’s eeeetthhhiiicaaallll. Listen cockripple, I saved your life and I can unsave it just as fast.

[Merriman rams against the cage with a tibia between his teeth]

Reporter: So …where should this supposed tryst take place?

Rivers: GROUND ZERO, MOTHERFUCKER!