Some Questions Better Left Unasked
Shawne Merriman: I am find no good… in draft pick of Larry English
Reporter: Why is that? He isn’t expected to challenge you for your starting spot.
Shawne Merriman: I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English
Reporter: But why?
Shawne Merriman: DRAFT PICK LARRY ENGLISH…cause question to my footballhood
Reporter: Your footballhood?
Merriman: Basic nature of footballness
Reporter: Footballness?
Merriman: POSSESSING QUALITY OF FOOTBALLNICITY!
Reporter: How then will you respond to this impugning of your footballhood?
Merriman: LIGHTS OUT DANCE!
Reporter: Just doing the dance?
Merriman: RAPE TACKLE FIRST
Reporter: Then Lights Out dance?
Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.
Reporter: At what point do you think fans and the media will stop questioning your footballhood?
Merriman: AFTER RAPE.
Reporter: Rape all of them?
Merriman: ALL WHO DARE QUESTION! RAPE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS!
Reporter: Uh, okay. Just to be clear, I’m not questioning you.
Merriman: But you asked questions.
Reporter: Yes, but that was questioning your motives, not your abilities. It’s not the same thing.
Merriman: YOU CALLED MOTIVEHOOD INTO QUESTION!? UNNGGGGAAAHHHHH!
Reporter: [Head darting around] Uh, technically, I guess, that is to say, I tried to get at the, uh, the … hey, anyone else around here that can control this guy?
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!
Reporter: Oh thank God.
Rivers: BACK! [Cracks whip] BACK, I SAY! BACK THE FUCK UP, STRATEGIC PENIS SILO!
[Floats 15-year-old Thai girl into large cage. Merriman follows and Rivers locks down behind him]
Rivers: That should settle him for a bit.
Reporter: Whew. Omigod. Omigod. I really can’t thank you enough.
Rivers: Give it a shot.
Reporter: Give what a shot?
Rivers: Thanking me for saving your rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.
Reporter: Uh. Ahem. Well. Thank you for very much.
Rivers: For?
Reporter: …saving my rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.
Rivers: And?
Reporter: And what?
Rivers: AND TRY SHOWING SOME MORE GRATITUDE, YOU MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
Reporter: What more can I do?
Rivers: For starters, you can run a story about LaDainian selling Plaxico guns and pushing that dude in front of Done Stallworth’s car, then calling Goodell’s wife a cuntcubus. Then in paragraph two, the tryst with Braylon Edwards is revealed. Here are artfully doctored photos.
Reporters: But that’s unethical!
Rivers: [Mocking voice] But that’s eeeetthhhiiicaaallll. Listen cockripple, I saved your life and I can unsave it just as fast.
[Merriman rams against the cage with a tibia between his teeth]
Reporter: So …where should this supposed tryst take place?
Rivers: GROUND ZERO, MOTHERFUCKER!
Tags: gigantosaur, marmalard, xmas ape
May 1st, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Ape, you work too hard. Its Friday afternoon and you created a whole new Marmalard post? You’re making the rest of us look bad.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Cuntcubus, nice word Ape.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
That’s why Uproxx pays him the big bucks.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I am relieved there is a proper order for the RAPE TACKLE and LIGHTS OUT DANCE. Lord knows you wouldn’t want to confuse the two.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Wow, Ape, just wow. Out-fucking-standing. One of the best Marmalard posts of the entire douchey series.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Fucking outstanding.
Where the hell do you come up with these pictures?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!
Reporter: Oh thank God.
That’s a first
May 1st, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I would have expected the sequence to go KILL RAPE EAT.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Needs more mouth-eyes.
Wouldn’t that 15 year old Thai girl STILL be floating into the cage?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:35 pm
MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK
cockripple
Two new insults go into the mental encyclopedia. SWEET.
/so is Merriman like those sick fucks in I AM LEGEND?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Who dares question the footballhood of a known ‘roider who missed a year with a knee? Not me!
May 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Corinthian Marmalard will haunt my nightmares always. It’s nice to see a post where pictures of that Douche make me laugh instead of cry.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I’d say something nasty about Merrimam, but I like my sphincter in it’s present shape.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I can’t wait to use cuntcubus tonight at the bar.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Where’d he get the tibia?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Why does the sexay always arrive after business hours? This question need not go unanswered, amirite?
May 1st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Where’d he get the tibia?
The 15 year old Thai girl, I’d imagine.
Eating a fifteen year old Thai girl after you rape her is gross. On account of you’d be eating your own rape leavins.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
So Shawne Merriman is retarded? It’s nice to see the mentally challenged being given job opportunities.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.
Holy shit…I think I just shit my pants. (Which, ironically, probably comes next in Merriman’s sequence).
May 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
At first, I thought “tibia” was “labia.” Really, I don’t know which would be more damaging.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:45 pm
does merriman write those snickers ads?
May 1st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Just read the PFT post about San Diego possibly letting him walk after this year. You can almost see Dan Snyder driving the dump truck full of cash with a jizz stain on his pants.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I can’t wait for the second installment of this, when Merriman re-enacts the Sigfreid and Roy tiger mauling.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Sheer brilliance.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Footballness? Footballnicity?
Shawn Merrimen speaks like Peter King writes.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:38 pm
If only Dick Cheney had known the fear the threat of rape at the hands of Shawne Merriman would have been such an effective interrogation tool… Who ISN’T going to spill their guts after watching Shawne Merriman use his penis to hollow out a fellow detainee?
May 1st, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Merriman has future casino greeter written all over him.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Cuntcubus added to the vocabulary, thanks Ape!
May 1st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I think when the obit of “Christmas Ape” is written, cuntcubus is going to appear somewhere among his achievements.
Well done sir. Well done.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
“I’m going to do the ‘Lights Out’ dance so often people will be glad to see me go — like, ‘Get that dance out of here.”
That story must be recycled from 2006.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Classic, classic stuff.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:46 pm
/saw “footballhood,” immediately thought “Bengals.”
May 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 am
BEN vs. Shawnosaurus in a game of Cranium!
May 2nd, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English
Another fine product of College Park, MD
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:48 am
Perfect bedtime story. Good to have a new Laserface and Merriam post.
Marmalard is my anti-drug.