
You people have problems, we have answers. And I mean you people REALLY have problems. That’s why we have the Fantasy Sex/Football Advice Mailbag. This week’s deluge of emails kept us from being able to use everyone’s submission, but don’t worry: the column still checks in at over 3200 words. So you should probably use the bathroom before you click through to read the rest. This goes on for a while. Like my johnson! BOOSH.
The solutions to all your sick (and [sic]) problems after the jump. Spoiler alert: you’re gonna need booze.
Dear KSK,
This is not a sex question per se, but allow me to elaborate. Me and my best friend are graduating college in a week,
From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.
and we’ve been friends for our entire lives. I can honestly say that both of us would take a bullet for each other. In addition, we have both saved each other’s lives at least once (I saved him from from skinhead who started to go a little too far in a bar fight; he saved me from an incident in high school when I got alcohol poisoning and had the presence of mind to know what to do to make sure I didn’t die).
The thing is, he and his girl are pretty close and she’s moving out to the west coast for a job and he’s going with her. I am staying on the east coast, and unless one of us moves we’re probably only going to see each other maybe once every other year for the rest of our lives during the holidays. The question is: am I being a huge [homo] for feeling a little depressed about this? If not any suggestions?
Ahhh, my least favorite recent addition to the lexicon: bromance. It’s very real, and I’d happily tell my own story of Marine Corps brotherhood, but then everyone would just call me gay in the comments (more so than usual, that is). But yes: your guy friends will always be the greatest dudes on the planet, and the chicks they run away with will never be cool enough to warrant them stealing your man away from you. Got a problem with that? Grow some tits.
Sorry, pal. This is life, not Burger King. You can’t have it your way.
Football: Growing up, I was a huge Jerry Rice fan, and basically rooted for any team he was on to win. Coincidentally, with the exceptions of the Seahawks, every team he was on was winning. Does this make me a bandwagon fan, or is this a legitimate reason to switch team allegiances?
Kids are idiots, and they need to be told by their fathers who to root for, or they’ll just end up liking the best player or the team that wins the Super Bowl. You apparently grew up without such a rudder (parents divorce? Dad gay?), so feel free to cheer for whomever you like… but know that you will always face the quiet scorn of die-hards.
Also, Jerry Rice is a douche for wearing Steve Largent’s retired number.
Dear “Big Daddy Balls” and Co,
Football first. So I was (mis)fortunate enough to be born in Colorado, thus I’m a diehard Broncos fan, and even considered buying a Cutlerfucker jersey at one point in time. Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t. Given the Broncos schedule, (we pulled the fackin’ Pats, Indy, the NFC East, and the AFC North, as well as getting to play marmalard 2x) what chances do you give Denver to, oh, I dunno, be an above .500 team or make a wildcard spot?
Go ahead and start reining in those expectations now. The Broncos went 8-8 last year while having the NFL’s 26th most difficult schedule. Meanwhile, according to advanced metrics, the Broncos were lucky to the tune of half a win, while the Chargers were the unluckiest team in the league, winning only 8 games even though their play projected them to win 11.4 games. AND the Broncos lost their best player, who happened to play the most important position on the field. AND their schedule is tougher this year.
But hey, at least you can draft a replacement for Orton with next year’s top-ten pick. Oh wait, the Broncos traded that first-round pick to the Seahawks. Sorry. **stifles glee**
Sex: so, I’m a 21 year old student and consider myself above average (albeit by the slimest of margins) in the bedroom. I love eating box, and what not, but my previous girlfriends set a TERRIBLE precedent and have led me to believe that every girl in the world has shit for brains when it comes to dicks. Seriously, in high school every girl I dated or hooked up with seemed to have a vice-grip for a hand which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind. Long story short whenever I’m hooking up with a girl and she makes a move towards my junk, I basically just back up and get right to the sex. What the hell is wrong with me? And will I err be able to find/ enjoy getting head?
Sorry about the brevity, but you guys kickass and you’re also my last resort,
- Neckbeard’s New #1 Fan
What, you think women get taught how to give blowjobs in high school health class? Sorry, buddy, but you gotta take some responsibility here. Great cocksuckers — and it’s a rare instance that “cocksucker” is a compliment, as it is here — are made, not born. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, because women who are good at head are surprisingly hard to find, but that’s only because their 21-year-old college boyfriends never told them what they liked.
I know what you’re going to say: you don’t know what you like because everyone you’ve been with has sucked at sucking. Well, it ain’t rocket science. Tell your gal to think of it as a handjob with mouth assistance. Remind her to keep her lips over her teeth. And everyone enjoys some nice ball-cupping.
Speak up. Don’t spend the rest of your life not liking blowjobs. That’s no way to live, son.
Dear Sultans of Semen,
Ever feel like your chance at happiness in this life is slowly slipping away from you?
If by “slowly” you mean “quickly” — yes. Every day.
There’s this great girl that I have repeatedly dropped the ball with over the course of, oh, five years. Whenever I was ready for something to happen, she wasn’t ready/taken, and whenever she was ready, I was drowning in a sea of Jack Daniels/seeing someone else. We have remained friends, and every time we talk it seems like the most substantial elements of our conversation involve us complaining about our lack of success with the opposite sex. When we’re not doing that, we’re arguing and picking at each other like a married couple. My question is, how do I drop an A-bomb on the friend zone and tell her that I want to give the dating thing an honest try? The closest I’ve come to a relationship in the past three years is telling a girl I really, really like her to score a killer beej.
Here’s a fact: the more serious a relationship gets, the fewer female friends a male can feasibly have. Hell, married guys have a hard enough time maintaining friendships with other men. So it’s not like your friendship with this gal has a real future UNLESS you make a move for the intimate zone. I recommend you get drunk with her and let laughter turn to flirting turn to kissing turn to saying stuff like “Wait, I don’t want to move too fast, because I actually really like you” before you go ahead and have sex anyway. Hooray for booze!
Football: I’m a Bengals fan. I have a high tolerance. Can you recommend something to get me through the season? Everclear is illegal where I live.
Warmest Regards,
Glen Matthews
The good news is that football games are three hours for a reason. That’s plenty of time for even the most hardened of livers to get pickled. Check in on any of KSK’s Monday Night Football live-blogs during the season; the standard operating procedure is beer through the first half, then switching to liquor when the game starts to get unbearable. If regular beer isn’t strong enough, look into Dogfish Head and Belgian tripels like Chimay. If you like whiskey, spend the extra few bucks on Baker’s, which at 53.5% ABV is an extra 15-20 proof stronger than the average bourbon.
Masters of the poon and the pigskin,
Football: What the hell are the Dolphins doing at QB? The John Beck era came and went pretty quickly, didn’t it? Is Henne the answer, or are we going to end up running the veer?
The… veer? Is that something like the Wildcat?
Hey, Tom Brady was a low pick out of Michigan, and he turned out okay. But no, seriously: you guys are fucked. Just keep telling yourself that Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl. Defense wins championships!
Sex: After 15 years of a monogamous relationship I am dating again. I’ve recently started having sexy time with a woman my age (36). My issue is the number of guys she’s been with. She told that she has had sex with 35 guys and “probably blown another 20 or so.” On the one hand, she’s never been married, so she’s had nearly 20 years to do whoever she wants, so the yearly average is low. But on the other hand, 50 plus dicks is a lot, right? Is there some age-to-sex partner ratio that no one has told me about?
Thanks,
QB dating a LB
Hey fucko, not everyone resigns themselves to the same doomed relationship for 15 years. Hell, 50 dicks is a slow month for commenter FutureMrsRickAnkiel. The only thing that matters is a negative test from the clinic. Get over yourself. And stop asking how many people girls have slept with. Dick.
p.s. Go ahead and add 20-30 to that number. Everybody hedges.
Fat white drunk men,
Hey! Two of us are skinny!
I’m getting hitched soon and can’t wait for it. She’s a great girl and really cool – read: open to trying pretty much anything I can cook up in the bedroom. Would a honeymoon be a poor choice to broach the subject of the brown eye? I’ve never ventured down that sticky path before, but would like to give it a go. I want to have a great trip and there will be a ton of emotions flying around. Should I try to parlay that high into back door triumph? Or would that result in me spending my first married week on the couch?
Buddy, if ever there’s a time to ask for it, I would think the honeymoon is the time. And she doesn’t sound like the kind of girl that would sulk if you asked. Bring lube.
Also, does the drafting of 324,751 tight ends by the Texans mean I should steer clear of Owen Daniels this coming year? Guy was great in my PPR league as a late round keeper last year.
Thanks,
Rectum Ranger
Call it a hunch, but I don’t think all 300,000+ draftees will make the final roster, and Matt Schaub can’t throw it to Andre Davis Johnson every play. I think he’s still a viable option at TE.
Skullfuckers of Sacrament,
FOOTBALL: I’m consistently the guy who blows the draft (either due to injury or delusion) but usually hits the waiver wire and picks match-ups well (thanks FO) and thus play my way into the bottom seed. I know in betting you shouldn’t go against your heart even as a hedging measure, as you will feel even more despicable, but what about using fantasy to hedge your monetary wagers?
You listen to me and you listen good, because nobody else in your life will have the sack to say this: Gambling makes everything more exciting. Bet on everything you can.
DRUGS: I used to be an iller, that’s the term we had amongst my group of friends for those of us who smoked all day, every day yet were still active, driven, socially-composed heathen. [For my job,] I quit almost two years ago cold turkey. I stilll smoke about once a month with podnuhs over beers but I really miss just that warm, fuzzy feeling of hitting the bong before getting in the shower or blazing down before going for a bike ride, cleaning my place/cooking dinner while turning the music up loud. I’d love to get back to iller status even if I know that it wouldn’t be quite the same as those pre-25 years, after all I like being productive and a bit stiffer in some regards as well. PROBLEM is that everytime I try to smoke and chill like before I am no longer an iller and just become a pathetic stoner easy-to-tire, bored and sleepy. Should I start out with regs or something, would coffee work? Help me feel beautiful again (laugh it up ingrates).
Maj says: If a bong hit is making you all sleepy and useless then maybe try out a different smoking device. Maybe a small pipe is all you need to transform you back into a more productive stoner.
I say: This may sound totally revolutionary, but people who do the same drug for years on end start getting diminishing returns.
SEX: Sometime after dropping the weed habit, I quit being cool. Sure, I’m more confident and successful and all and can still put on a face all day and be Mr. Corporate Charming at the office and what-not but I can’t get laid for the life of me. Never used to be a problem even though I was an underachieving, self-loathing drunk a large majority of the time. I’ve always had a knack for recognizing which girls wanted to ball and am not a pussy when it comes to approaching them. Also, now that my emotions and body can’t afford $500/wk bartabs I can not do the whole drunken hook-up thing. Recently, when I get that first date, I become an automaton, spouting the same BS lifestory as Mr. Corporate Charming- interesting and entertaining but not sexy and quite soul-less. Is there hope or does the suit and tie also require retiring my fertilizer rocket?
- What is the insatiable man to do?
Good Lord, that was depressing. A corporate automaton who yearns for his old stoner days? Golly, I can’t imagine why the women don’t flock to you.
You’re not the same person you were when you were an “iller,” so why would you use the same methods? You’ve got two options: (1) Embrace your inner asshole, find a cocaine dealer, and start nailing strippers, or (2) Get yourself a damn hobby. Start volunteering. Take a cooking class. Study muay Thai kickboxing. Stop looking back on who you were, and start embracing your life now. When you’re happy with who you are, women’s interest will follow.

Dear Hines Ward Appreciation Fan Club,
So this is more of a relationship thing then pure sex, but you guys have turned into semi-straight Dan Savages, so I doubt it’ll be a problem. So after a two-year cold streak, I randomly bring this 7/8 (8 and a half in four beers time) and we do the nasty.
Your Streets reference is noted and appreciated.
That was three months ago, and it’s still going strong, morphing into a relationship. She’s pretty cool- graphic design major (as compared to my Poli Sci), likes smoking smoking weed and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And as for sex, she is, in her own words, “insatiable”. So that’s good. Mutual friends warned me about just one thing- apparently, a couple of nights before we met, she was really drunk and blurted out “I hate n-ggers”. I mean, sounds bad, right? I brushed it off because a) people say fucked up shit when they’re drunk and b) I’d never heard her say/do anything remotely like that. Until two nights ago, when she posted a link on my Facebook wall to something called “the n-gga flip”, which is a YTMND of a black guy flipping a white woman over while they had sex. Needless to say, that shit’s pretty racist, considering how it makes black men look like jive-shucking crazy sex machines. She didn’t see it that way, saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit, and called me too sensitive (I read Harpers, to give you a sense of my political leanings). She eventually promised not to say shit like that if we were together, but it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t really sorry. Some friends suggested I could try to change her mind, but if you’re 20, and it’s 2009, and you still think that one white person saying shit like that to another white person is acceptable, then you’re not going to change. So what do I do? I mean, is she racist? Am I, in fact, overreacting? Should I stick with her? It’s not like I was planning on marrying this girl, but as Gob would say, come on.
Sounds like you’re dating a KSK commenter.
You seem to have a pretty good assessment of things. In my opinion, few things make an attractive woman ugly faster than a sincerely racist comment. And that may be the best way to get change out of her: tell her that her insensitive, casual attitude about race-related comments makes her less attractive. Don’t say it turns YOU off; say that it makes HER look unattractive. If she goes complaining to her friends about how mean you are, she’ll only expose her own prejudices.
If that advice doesn’t work, when people ask why you guys split up, say: “I couldn’t get over her being a racist.” Word travels fast on campus. She’ll learn her lesson real quick about what is and isn’t okay to say.
Football: Where, precisely, does Colt Brennan rank on the list of All Time Useless Redskins?
-Beaker in DC
Maj says: He makes Cary Conklin look like Billy Kilmer.
Hi fellow peen-gobblers,
Long time reader, first time commenter in any form. Football first, as law allows: I’ll be participating in fantasy football season ever with my husband and our office crew. I’ve pretty much decided taking anyone from my favorite team (the Dolphins, har-har) is a bad idea, but are there any offical do-s and don’t-s of fantasy football?
A broad question deserves a broad answer: Pay up front, and set your starting line-up on Sunday morning. (Also, as a first-timer, keep an eye on the bye weeks while you draft. You don’t want your three best running backs all sitting out in Week 7.)
Sexings: My husband and I have a three way relationship involving another female. She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles*. Anyway, should we find someone else to play with or just tolerate it? I’m down with finding someone else but he’s scared of the trauma that might ensue.
-Ricky William’s Drug Test aka Monica
“Wah wah wah, our interracial threesome could be sexier!”
Lady, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that freaky threesomes are something to be enjoyed, not tolerated. There are plenty more bisexually inclined fish in the sea. And they all cruise Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section.


Also, Monica’s husband is a lucky sumbitch, and I hate him for it.
@Beaker: The thing with Racist Chick is that you’ve lost respect for her. You’re not going to be able to regain that respect, so she can’t be your girlfriend. Keep banging away if you want to, and I wouldn’t dis you for doing so, but she can’t develop into a girlfriend. She can’t even develop into a FWB, since you’d lose respect for yourself for having a racist friend. The most she can be is “this chick I’m banging.”
/Dr. Phil
Here’s one. How about if you guys started out hooking up, then distance turned you guys into friends. Can it go back to a hook up situation, or have you crossed the Rubicon already?
“From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.” . . . That’s comedic gold right there.
@Qb dating a LB. Rule of thumb, take the total she gave you, and multiply it by three. THat’s how it works. If you were in a 15 year relationship, chances are you probably had more sex than your current girlfriend. I direct you to a quote from Silent Bob in Chasing Amy when his girlfriend told him she had screwed around with a ton of guys: “I wasn’t disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small – like-like I’d lacked experience, like I’d never be on her level, like I’d never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I’m saayin’? But, what I did not get, she didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for that guy anymore. She was – she was looking for me, for-for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy… So to speak.”
@ Rectum Ranger: Go for it the 2nd or third night. The honeymoon is also time to have sex in public too. It’s totally ok cause you are a newly wed.
Only okay for a chick to call another chick a cunt if it’s got the right meaning, as in my best friend and I call each other that (and a host of other insulting terms) and it’s okay, but if a random girl said that I’d be pretty pissed.
Carrie,
You’ve officially become my dream girl.
Late, but I think that we need a regular column from Monica. I don’t feel old enough as it is.
Now that the racism argument is over, can Beaker please win me $50 by confirming that the girl goes to Georgetown?
Dolphin fans have a problem with Matt Ryan at quarterback? Wait, Parcells drafted who instead? haha! That reminds me of the time Parcells passed on Stephen Jackson in favor of Julius Jones.
(Yeah, I know Parcells picked up a #1 for trading down but then he wasted the pick on Marcus Spears, so fuck him.)
You listen to me and you listen good, because nobody else in your life will have the sack to say this: Gambling makes everything more exciting. Bet on everything you can.
Thank you for the advice Gunnery Sergeant Hartman!
And oh yeah, dump that racist chick – college campuses are small places no matter how many students go there so if the word got out, you’d be overflowing in symapthy poon in no time. Where is she from? Ohio?
Chick is great in the sack but he’s worried because she said nigger? Seriously? I’d let my woman call me “cracka ass cracka” so long as she put my dick in her mouth.
Yeah, it’s a guy thing. It would in no way affect our friendship. This girl was in no way a girlfriend. Just a booty call. I find the “sloppy seconds” and “how’s my dick taste” quips funny, but also don’t see much point in going there. I was just curious what the commentors would think. You are a fountain of wisdom.
/How’s my dick taste joke?
Is anyone else delighted by the fact that “UTI Guy” is now a recurring KSK moniker?
Is this fuckin Keith “cock sniffin” Olberman?
I don’t think Keith Olberman is a cock sniffer. He’s not a Republican senator.
@Arm Strongcock
That’s the best advice for Beaker I have heard for the whole mailbag. Jebus, the guy said he wasn’t going to marry this piece of poon anyway, so what the fuck is the difference?
Also Beaker
You sound like one of those hyper liberal types. Ask one of the multitude of black friends you obviously have. They will tell you to keep hittin’ that shit till you get tired of her. Besides, that whole “you are a racist and I can’t take it anymore” card makes you look like the god guy when you do get bored.
Alright, let’s see what we got here…
@DOLE: I’m aware that there’s racist shit on the internet. But why should have to like/approve of it? Also, do you really have nothing better to do then make fun of someone’s major? Christ I feel sorry for you.
@CobraCommander: No need to worry. Mission accomplished.
@Bywater: Although I STRONGLY disagree with your take on the Holocaust, your advice on my situation is well-taken, thanks. Also, “white hipster dufus” is a remarkably accurate description of me.
@FMRA: I understand what you’re saying, but most of those girls won’t, for whatever reason, date me. I think I’m going to stay with her for now, but it’ll be a very short leash.
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp: The Award of the Best Comment of the Mailbag goes to you, with the Lex Steele line.
@mark: Sorry, but it’s racist. It wouldn’t be called ‘n-ggaflip’ if it wasn’t. It would be called “The Flip” or something along those lines. And even then, laughing at black virility in that context is pretty suspect, and you don’t need to anthro class to teach that.
@Rocco: I just don’t see the point of that. 10 seconds of smugness to worsen a friendship? Doesn’t seem worth it to me. And I’m a smug asshole.
I have to agree with Shake, to an extent. I had no idea guys called each other cunts, but if they do, I find it hilarious and now want to witness it.
Not okay for a guy to call a girl that, unless it’s rough sex and she likes it.
Only okay for a chick to call another chick a cunt if it’s got the right meaning, as in my best friend and I call each other that (and a host of other insulting terms) and it’s okay, but if a random girl said that I’d be pretty pissed.
HITCH IS A GOOD MOVIE!!!!
What is wrong with a racist chick? Does racism make her pussy less wet and her titties less supple. Is this fuckin Keith “cock sniffin” Olberman? Who gives a shit what kind of person she is? Fuck her hard and often. Grudge fuck her if you have to. Rip that shit up, but for the sake of all the little half breed children in (where ever Travis Henry is from) quit bitching about a smoking hottie using a taboo word. My mom called me a motherfucker once……….true story.
RE Shake Says:
“Re:Cunt
Male on Male-> Funny
Male on Female-> Not Funny
Female on Female -> Hot?”
Um, no. Women don’t like being called a cunt, not by anybody. I don’t mind it any more than any other insult, but apparently, most women do not agree with me. Using the “C-word” could be a relationship-ending offense, from what I’ve observed. It’s like nuking the site from orbit. No going back. YMMV, but that’s my two cents on that.
RE Rocco: Continue holding back. You dumped her, what’s the justification for giving him shit about hitting that now? Being a dick just to be a dick? You say he’s a douche, but if you go this route, how does that make you any better? I know men like to rag on each other, I assume it’s some kind of fucked-up alpha male bullshit, but once you say something, you can’t unsay it. The older I get (I’m not that old now, dammit), the more glad I am that I didn’t say various things I’ve thought about saying but didn’t. If that makes any sense.
Tell your gal to think of it as a handjob with mouth assistance.
Or rather, tell her to channel the Hipster Grifter.
@Rocco I’d take the high road and stay away from any comments. If she was your ex-girlfriend, then I think you’d have the all-clear with going with the “How’s-my-dick-taste?” comments. I think you’ll end up looking better if you act like you don’t give a shit, which you probably shouldn’t because you cut it off with her in the first place.
Oh, and here’s an update from my situation a couple weeks back (last question in the mailbag). She loved the vibrator. Got to use it on her a couple of times. Now she’s left town, but the FWB relationship (which was really more like casual dating, now that I think about it) ended on a high note. I think the whole thing will be looked back on fondly in our respective books. Thanks for the advice from all of you drunken, filthy and inspiring commenters.
Ok, so late submission: I was sleeping with this girl who ended up being bat shit crazy, cut her off, and my buddy took a liking to her. Would I be a dick for going to the “Sloppy seconds” or “How’s my dick taste” card? I’m not that guy, but even though he’s my buddy, he’s kind of a douche. She shows up tonight at our dart league playoff, and I held back any comments. Jury?
@SonOfSpam: Wait, so anyone who uses the N word is inexcusable? So almost every black person is inexcused? Now, I don’t use the N word, nor do I have close black friends. but how does this make any sense? If it’s not ok for anyone else to say, why do I hear it all the time from black people? Better yet, why is my best friend, a white guy teaching in an inner city high school, getting called a nigger by his students? Is that a sign of affection, or disrespect?
@Upstate Underdog (first post):
Realize the chances of you seeing this are small but I saw the first comment…small world! I’m a senior at Nisky HS right now myself…
@Rectum Ranger: If you’re fiance is really down for anything in the bedroom, how is it you have not tried to get anal before? Something seems a little off with your story.
I don’t know anything about any of this other shit, but you Vandy bitches can go straight to hell with your yuppies and coked out bitches. Have fun being athletically irrelevant.
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp Re:Cunt
I think it’s like rape jokes
Male on Male-> Funny
Male on Female-> Not Funny
Female on Female -> Hot?
Bengals fan: Vodka – it’s cheap, tastes great with anything, and has very few impurities. I’m barely here half the time and am fully functioning. If you drown your season in Belgian beer you’re going to be fat and hungover most of the time. Stick to a steady diet of vodka and blow. That’s just TMO.
Dude who’s dating the whore: Get rid of that. You can’t teach hot and I’ve never had to tell a vagina what to do. It’s much better to get a lump of clay and mold it. Besides if the 50+ guys who’ve railed out your chick didn’t see anything worth keeping she’s probably grade f beef anyway.
After reading QB dating a LB’s letter all I could think was “37!!”
@prom guy
Could be worse, I was dating a solid 9 my senior year and it was that time of the month and I ddnt even get a beej-blue balls from ur gf is worse than from a friend any day of the week, especially your own f*cking prom
Good racism. Lofty racism.
Look, even in jest, the n-word is UGLY. Wanna joke about LenWhale eating Kentucky Grilled Chicken? Chances are, you’re making fun of racists, not African-Americans. But dropping the n-bomb EVAR is just inexcusable.
/enjoying the view from high horse
Scissor jizzer=pure gold. Otto=still a gem. Thanks for the “poflawa” definition help Steve.
Doesn’t “iller” mean douche bag in French? Well it def. should now.
The 11th Commandment:
A handjob is a man’s job; a blowjob is a ho’s job.
“The only thing we hate more than racists are Spics.’
-Flat Point High Donkeys
dude, the niggaflip isn’t racist. it’s a magical combination of wrasslin and fuckin’. if randy the ram was black, he’d do this move to marissa tomei in a damaged heartbeat.
but if the girl spouts off that she hates black people, yeah, i’d get rid of her.
RaFlaWa = Race Flame War
Last week’s mailbag was The Godfather part II. This week’s mailbag is Hitch. Let’s all try to do better next week folks.
Prom Guy, Vandy is a solid choice. Nashville rocks, in a country sort of way. Just don’t wear a tie to a football game.
@pigs
A “FlaWa” is a Flame War, basically commenters sniping back at forth at each other, usually for topics only tangentially related to the actual post, which often turns ugly as it goes on.
In this case, “Ra” stands for race or racism or something similar. Hence, this would be a “racial flame war”.
By comparison, “Poflawa” is a political flame war, etc.
Perils: I think you just won the entire argument with those two posts.
Iambic: My current college roommate (who i have known since 6th grade) is black and doesn’t give a shit what I say. I can say anything I want to him because he knows that I’m not a racist or trying to offend him in any way. Perhaps its a comfort level, or maybe its just that he is not offended by those things (his parents are from Haiti, but that is beside the point I guess). I mean, I don’t broadcast it in public because I know that he is probably in the minority (ba-dum pshh) in this case and other black people aren’t as…shall we say accepting of my use of the word as he is. It is all based around the personal feelings of the people you’re with.
@anyone: At the risk of sounding like even more of an idiot, what does “RaFlaWa” mean?
There are linguistic private clubs. Black folks can use it 15 times in 5 sentences and its okay. My gay brother and his friends routinely call each other ‘queer’, ‘bitch’, and my favorite, ‘tired old queen’. If you are white you simply cannot engage in in this kind of speech unless you are doing so in some sort of extremely dispassionate sense or you’re in some pointless college sociology class discussion.
Is this right? Maybe not. Maybe no words should be off limits to anybody. Common sense dictates, however, that if a word can get your jaw broken, it probably needs to be avoided.
/dick joke
I don’t think theres any risk that he will ever reproduce.
@Baywater: Read Slothrop’s advice, develop a sense of empathy, and don’t reproduce. Please.
There was no need to tell a dick joke, bywater. You’re both.
Nice to see Bywater’s original thinking on race is matched by his original taste in jokes. Do you have one about hot buttered corn?
Sorry, when I said “which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind” I intended on adding this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZItsbLzc73s
MY BAD.
@LaFavre
Otto walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, “Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?”
So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, ”Well, my first blow job.” The bartender smiles and replies, “Yea, that’s a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!”
“Nah,” Otto replies… “If thirteen doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will.”
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG
@LaFavre- I’m pretty sure your commentor name just did.
@Platonic guy: Same situation here. She’ll be staying at my house for a week while in town. I was gonna write in but am too traumatized from the last time. I’m going with the “It was bad timing before but patience has paid off let’s get drunk and to the sexy again.”
Somebody, anybody, please tell a dick joke.
Hmm…maybe I should have gone to Vandy instead. My sister did go there, though.
/Hopes my sister wasn’t nailed by a commentor.
You know who else pisses me off? Breast cancer survivors.
“It was so terrible….whaa…I’m so disfigured now…boo hoo…let’s have a walk-a-thon and rub everyone’s faces in my misery.”
It’s not as if making other people, who were lucky enough to avoid your circumstances, aware of your situation could possibly lead to some kind of a solution or prevention of further instances of the bad thing that happened to you. Just get over it.
Bywater’s not denying the Holocaust…he’s just saying they need to get over it. Like, for example imagine someone had committed some kind of horrible atrocity against Americans, killing thousands of civilians just because they’re Americans…and imagine how tiresome it would be if everyone was like “Remember [This Event]” or “Never Forget [date of event].” Really, everyone should just get over anything that happens to them, no matter how terrible, as soon as other people, however small or misguided a group, get tired of thinking about it.
@FMRA: but i love using “cunt” on other guys. Will that still work?
satisfy**
@rocco : as long as the pussy is tight (and of legal age) and she’s willing to satisfty… i’m in
options, triple options, reverses, double reverses, etc don’t work well because the players are a lot faster and smarter than they are at the collegiate level..
No, using one word doesn’t necessarily make you racist, just like graffiting one swastika one a synagogue doesn’t necessarily make you a skinhead…but refusing to acknowledge that it was a prickish thing to do is still good reason for revulsion and/or dumping.
And I know everyone’s supposed to ignore bywater now, but, uh… are you really saying that it is OK for black people to still be sensitive about their injustices (for another generation, at least) but not Jews? Not exactly eons of difference in terms of how recently each group suffered horrifying oppression, is it?
Speaking of that, I remember getting really pissed at a friend’s boyfriend about five years ago for ranting for ten minutes about how necessary it was to literally kill every man, woman and child in Iraq if they wouldn’t stop killing our soldiers, and his girlfriend being shocked – SHOCKED – that I would be so insensitive as to demean his opinion, which I had to give the same respect as I would want my opinions given. Uh, sure…if I talk about whiny Jews or hating blacks or promoting genocide, someone should straighten me out as bluntly as possible.
@FMRA: You’re wrong. The ex-wife was/is a whore and so-so in bed. The ex girl friend before her was a virgin and was dynamite in bed. Good at first, and quickly developed into great. Maybe that’s a rare exception, but you’re still wrong.
I’m not sure I agree that the intent behind saying a potentially offensive word should be a mitigating circumstance.
As a personal example, I was once called a “cunt” in a really degrading, painful, and traumatic context. To this day, no matter what context surrounding it, that word makes me shudder. By extrapolation, I think the n-word has that effect on the race it describes: the original context of it was so dreadful that I’m not sure it will ever shed those connotations, at least in our lifetime.
Legally, whether something has a discriminatory intent or merely a discriminatory effect, it’s still discrimination. I feel the same way about using racially charged language.
Don’t worry, Bywater. I wasn’t going to ridicule you, since you seemed to be doing a terrific job of it all by yourself.
@Bywater: dude…let it go.
This isn’t a contest of who killed the most or who has suffered the most. Denying the Holocaust is among the sickest thing someone who calls himself an intelligent human being can do.
The racist probably loves banging black dudes on the side. Irony be damned.
@prom guy Vanderbilt is FANTASTIC. Smart, ridiculously attractive girls. The bars are great. The town is wonderful. Only places that compare in the S-E-C are Georgia and Mississippi. And its a great education. Well played.
I don’t have anything more to say (your welcome, Otto) but I just don’t see it as anti-semitic.
It just doesn’t strike me as that relevant anymore, maybe dismissive or complacent, perhaps that’s what whomever was saying…I agree with your rebuke to the chidlish rationalization that everyone hs been persecuted, I think that the Holocaust of the Jews in particular has just been a bit overdone. Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao and many others racked up some pretty awful numbers- albeit not targeting one particular ethnic group, which is far more damaging to one’s psyche as a member I’m sure- saying that “I’ve heard that sotry to omany times” just doesn’t equal hate to me.
Rock out with your yamulk out!
Alright, I’ll say it – I prefer a well-lubed HJ over a BJ. I’m probably minority here (poor choice of words given today’s discussion?) but something about a woman talking dirty to you while you lay back and enjoy some serious high-school-like pleasure gets me going.
Nope, that’s “matrices,” the plural of “matrix.”
Veer = greatest play ever
On the “n-word” issue: Carlin said it best years ago. It’s not just the word, but the intent behind it that matters. If Beaker’s girl is using it in a derogatory, disgusting manner, it doesn’t matter if she’s laughing. It’s bad.
@Mercury Morris: Whoa, that’s just not true. I’m an engineer. Waistline is fine, not a Star Trek fan, and got laid. By a girl. More than once. Easy on the stereotypes.
if you’re going to be a dick about grammar, then shouldn’t it be “metrices” instead of “metrics”?
/i’m an asshole
Never ask how many dudes a chick has been with.
A) They’re always lying
B) The number will terrify you
C) The older they get without getting married, the number grows exponentially. Some girl marries her high school sweetheart: 1 dude. Some girl is single well into her 30s: roughly the male population of a major American city.
I would say using the word ‘nigger’ doesn’t inherently make you a racist. I do it every once in a while in front of friends, but only in jest, and I can 100% say I’m not racist (although I doubt you’ll believe me after admitting to that).
HOWEVER, yelling ‘I hate niggers!’ at a party is a whole other bag. The YTMND thing, well, YTMND is basically the wild wild west (WICKY-WAH) of the Internet. Them and 4chan. A little racism in jokes isn’t going to hurt anyone. The hate comment is a legit racist thing to say and I’d break up with her immediately over that.
At least my hand is above a 5….(IMHO)
My hand is an 11.
“which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind.”
“saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit”
What makes me think these guys are having communication problems in the bedroom?