Racist Girlfriends, Interracial Three-Ways, and Platonic Brotherly Love: Your KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Advice Mailbag
You people have problems, we have answers. And I mean you people REALLY have problems. That’s why we have the Fantasy Sex/Football Advice Mailbag. This week’s deluge of emails kept us from being able to use everyone’s submission, but don’t worry: the column still checks in at over 3200 words. So you should probably use the bathroom before you click through to read the rest. This goes on for a while. Like my johnson! BOOSH.
The solutions to all your sick (and [sic]) problems after the jump. Spoiler alert: you’re gonna need booze.
Dear KSK,
This is not a sex question per se, but allow me to elaborate. Me and my best friend are graduating college in a week,
From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.
and we’ve been friends for our entire lives. I can honestly say that both of us would take a bullet for each other. In addition, we have both saved each other’s lives at least once (I saved him from from skinhead who started to go a little too far in a bar fight; he saved me from an incident in high school when I got alcohol poisoning and had the presence of mind to know what to do to make sure I didn’t die).
The thing is, he and his girl are pretty close and she’s moving out to the west coast for a job and he’s going with her. I am staying on the east coast, and unless one of us moves we’re probably only going to see each other maybe once every other year for the rest of our lives during the holidays. The question is: am I being a huge [homo] for feeling a little depressed about this? If not any suggestions?
Ahhh, my least favorite recent addition to the lexicon: bromance. It’s very real, and I’d happily tell my own story of Marine Corps brotherhood, but then everyone would just call me gay in the comments (more so than usual, that is). But yes: your guy friends will always be the greatest dudes on the planet, and the chicks they run away with will never be cool enough to warrant them stealing your man away from you. Got a problem with that? Grow some tits.
Sorry, pal. This is life, not Burger King. You can’t have it your way.
Football: Growing up, I was a huge Jerry Rice fan, and basically rooted for any team he was on to win. Coincidentally, with the exceptions of the Seahawks, every team he was on was winning. Does this make me a bandwagon fan, or is this a legitimate reason to switch team allegiances?
Kids are idiots, and they need to be told by their fathers who to root for, or they’ll just end up liking the best player or the team that wins the Super Bowl. You apparently grew up without such a rudder (parents divorce? Dad gay?), so feel free to cheer for whomever you like… but know that you will always face the quiet scorn of die-hards.
Also, Jerry Rice is a douche for wearing Steve Largent’s retired number.
Dear “Big Daddy Balls” and Co,
Football first. So I was (mis)fortunate enough to be born in Colorado, thus I’m a diehard Broncos fan, and even considered buying a Cutlerfucker jersey at one point in time. Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t. Given the Broncos schedule, (we pulled the fackin’ Pats, Indy, the NFC East, and the AFC North, as well as getting to play marmalard 2x) what chances do you give Denver to, oh, I dunno, be an above .500 team or make a wildcard spot?
Go ahead and start reining in those expectations now. The Broncos went 8-8 last year while having the NFL’s 26th most difficult schedule. Meanwhile, according to advanced metrics, the Broncos were lucky to the tune of half a win, while the Chargers were the unluckiest team in the league, winning only 8 games even though their play projected them to win 11.4 games. AND the Broncos lost their best player, who happened to play the most important position on the field. AND their schedule is tougher this year.
But hey, at least you can draft a replacement for Orton with next year’s top-ten pick. Oh wait, the Broncos traded that first-round pick to the Seahawks. Sorry. **stifles glee**
Sex: so, I’m a 21 year old student and consider myself above average (albeit by the slimest of margins) in the bedroom. I love eating box, and what not, but my previous girlfriends set a TERRIBLE precedent and have led me to believe that every girl in the world has shit for brains when it comes to dicks. Seriously, in high school every girl I dated or hooked up with seemed to have a vice-grip for a hand which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind. Long story short whenever I’m hooking up with a girl and she makes a move towards my junk, I basically just back up and get right to the sex. What the hell is wrong with me? And will I err be able to find/ enjoy getting head?
Sorry about the brevity, but you guys kickass and you’re also my last resort,
- Neckbeard’s New #1 Fan
What, you think women get taught how to give blowjobs in high school health class? Sorry, buddy, but you gotta take some responsibility here. Great cocksuckers — and it’s a rare instance that “cocksucker” is a compliment, as it is here — are made, not born. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, because women who are good at head are surprisingly hard to find, but that’s only because their 21-year-old college boyfriends never told them what they liked.
I know what you’re going to say: you don’t know what you like because everyone you’ve been with has sucked at sucking. Well, it ain’t rocket science. Tell your gal to think of it as a handjob with mouth assistance. Remind her to keep her lips over her teeth. And everyone enjoys some nice ball-cupping.
Speak up. Don’t spend the rest of your life not liking blowjobs. That’s no way to live, son.
Dear Sultans of Semen,
Ever feel like your chance at happiness in this life is slowly slipping away from you?
If by “slowly” you mean “quickly” — yes. Every day.
There’s this great girl that I have repeatedly dropped the ball with over the course of, oh, five years. Whenever I was ready for something to happen, she wasn’t ready/taken, and whenever she was ready, I was drowning in a sea of Jack Daniels/seeing someone else. We have remained friends, and every time we talk it seems like the most substantial elements of our conversation involve us complaining about our lack of success with the opposite sex. When we’re not doing that, we’re arguing and picking at each other like a married couple. My question is, how do I drop an A-bomb on the friend zone and tell her that I want to give the dating thing an honest try? The closest I’ve come to a relationship in the past three years is telling a girl I really, really like her to score a killer beej.
Here’s a fact: the more serious a relationship gets, the fewer female friends a male can feasibly have. Hell, married guys have a hard enough time maintaining friendships with other men. So it’s not like your friendship with this gal has a real future UNLESS you make a move for the intimate zone. I recommend you get drunk with her and let laughter turn to flirting turn to kissing turn to saying stuff like “Wait, I don’t want to move too fast, because I actually really like you” before you go ahead and have sex anyway. Hooray for booze!
Football: I’m a Bengals fan. I have a high tolerance. Can you recommend something to get me through the season? Everclear is illegal where I live.
Warmest Regards,
Glen Matthews
The good news is that football games are three hours for a reason. That’s plenty of time for even the most hardened of livers to get pickled. Check in on any of KSK’s Monday Night Football live-blogs during the season; the standard operating procedure is beer through the first half, then switching to liquor when the game starts to get unbearable. If regular beer isn’t strong enough, look into Dogfish Head and Belgian tripels like Chimay. If you like whiskey, spend the extra few bucks on Baker’s, which at 53.5% ABV is an extra 15-20 proof stronger than the average bourbon.
Masters of the poon and the pigskin,
Football: What the hell are the Dolphins doing at QB? The John Beck era came and went pretty quickly, didn’t it? Is Henne the answer, or are we going to end up running the veer?
The… veer? Is that something like the Wildcat?
Hey, Tom Brady was a low pick out of Michigan, and he turned out okay. But no, seriously: you guys are fucked. Just keep telling yourself that Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl. Defense wins championships!
Sex: After 15 years of a monogamous relationship I am dating again. I’ve recently started having sexy time with a woman my age (36). My issue is the number of guys she’s been with. She told that she has had sex with 35 guys and “probably blown another 20 or so.” On the one hand, she’s never been married, so she’s had nearly 20 years to do whoever she wants, so the yearly average is low. But on the other hand, 50 plus dicks is a lot, right? Is there some age-to-sex partner ratio that no one has told me about?
Thanks,
QB dating a LB
Hey fucko, not everyone resigns themselves to the same doomed relationship for 15 years. Hell, 50 dicks is a slow month for commenter FutureMrsRickAnkiel. The only thing that matters is a negative test from the clinic. Get over yourself. And stop asking how many people girls have slept with. Dick.
p.s. Go ahead and add 20-30 to that number. Everybody hedges.
Fat white drunk men,
Hey! Two of us are skinny!
I’m getting hitched soon and can’t wait for it. She’s a great girl and really cool – read: open to trying pretty much anything I can cook up in the bedroom. Would a honeymoon be a poor choice to broach the subject of the brown eye? I’ve never ventured down that sticky path before, but would like to give it a go. I want to have a great trip and there will be a ton of emotions flying around. Should I try to parlay that high into back door triumph? Or would that result in me spending my first married week on the couch?
Buddy, if ever there’s a time to ask for it, I would think the honeymoon is the time. And she doesn’t sound like the kind of girl that would sulk if you asked. Bring lube.
Also, does the drafting of 324,751 tight ends by the Texans mean I should steer clear of Owen Daniels this coming year? Guy was great in my PPR league as a late round keeper last year.
Thanks,
Rectum Ranger
Call it a hunch, but I don’t think all 300,000+ draftees will make the final roster, and Matt Schaub can’t throw it to Andre Davis Johnson every play. I think he’s still a viable option at TE.
Skullfuckers of Sacrament,
FOOTBALL: I’m consistently the guy who blows the draft (either due to injury or delusion) but usually hits the waiver wire and picks match-ups well (thanks FO) and thus play my way into the bottom seed. I know in betting you shouldn’t go against your heart even as a hedging measure, as you will feel even more despicable, but what about using fantasy to hedge your monetary wagers?
You listen to me and you listen good, because nobody else in your life will have the sack to say this: Gambling makes everything more exciting. Bet on everything you can.
DRUGS: I used to be an iller, that’s the term we had amongst my group of friends for those of us who smoked all day, every day yet were still active, driven, socially-composed heathen. [For my job,] I quit almost two years ago cold turkey. I stilll smoke about once a month with podnuhs over beers but I really miss just that warm, fuzzy feeling of hitting the bong before getting in the shower or blazing down before going for a bike ride, cleaning my place/cooking dinner while turning the music up loud. I’d love to get back to iller status even if I know that it wouldn’t be quite the same as those pre-25 years, after all I like being productive and a bit stiffer in some regards as well. PROBLEM is that everytime I try to smoke and chill like before I am no longer an iller and just become a pathetic stoner easy-to-tire, bored and sleepy. Should I start out with regs or something, would coffee work? Help me feel beautiful again (laugh it up ingrates).
Maj says: If a bong hit is making you all sleepy and useless then maybe try out a different smoking device. Maybe a small pipe is all you need to transform you back into a more productive stoner.
I say: This may sound totally revolutionary, but people who do the same drug for years on end start getting diminishing returns.
SEX: Sometime after dropping the weed habit, I quit being cool. Sure, I’m more confident and successful and all and can still put on a face all day and be Mr. Corporate Charming at the office and what-not but I can’t get laid for the life of me. Never used to be a problem even though I was an underachieving, self-loathing drunk a large majority of the time. I’ve always had a knack for recognizing which girls wanted to ball and am not a pussy when it comes to approaching them. Also, now that my emotions and body can’t afford $500/wk bartabs I can not do the whole drunken hook-up thing. Recently, when I get that first date, I become an automaton, spouting the same BS lifestory as Mr. Corporate Charming- interesting and entertaining but not sexy and quite soul-less. Is there hope or does the suit and tie also require retiring my fertilizer rocket?
- What is the insatiable man to do?
Good Lord, that was depressing. A corporate automaton who yearns for his old stoner days? Golly, I can’t imagine why the women don’t flock to you.
You’re not the same person you were when you were an “iller,” so why would you use the same methods? You’ve got two options: (1) Embrace your inner asshole, find a cocaine dealer, and start nailing strippers, or (2) Get yourself a damn hobby. Start volunteering. Take a cooking class. Study muay Thai kickboxing. Stop looking back on who you were, and start embracing your life now. When you’re happy with who you are, women’s interest will follow.
Dear Hines Ward Appreciation Fan Club,
So this is more of a relationship thing then pure sex, but you guys have turned into semi-straight Dan Savages, so I doubt it’ll be a problem. So after a two-year cold streak, I randomly bring this 7/8 (8 and a half in four beers time) and we do the nasty.
Your Streets reference is noted and appreciated.
That was three months ago, and it’s still going strong, morphing into a relationship. She’s pretty cool- graphic design major (as compared to my Poli Sci), likes smoking smoking weed and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And as for sex, she is, in her own words, “insatiable”. So that’s good. Mutual friends warned me about just one thing- apparently, a couple of nights before we met, she was really drunk and blurted out “I hate n-ggers”. I mean, sounds bad, right? I brushed it off because a) people say fucked up shit when they’re drunk and b) I’d never heard her say/do anything remotely like that. Until two nights ago, when she posted a link on my Facebook wall to something called “the n-gga flip”, which is a YTMND of a black guy flipping a white woman over while they had sex. Needless to say, that shit’s pretty racist, considering how it makes black men look like jive-shucking crazy sex machines. She didn’t see it that way, saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit, and called me too sensitive (I read Harpers, to give you a sense of my political leanings). She eventually promised not to say shit like that if we were together, but it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t really sorry. Some friends suggested I could try to change her mind, but if you’re 20, and it’s 2009, and you still think that one white person saying shit like that to another white person is acceptable, then you’re not going to change. So what do I do? I mean, is she racist? Am I, in fact, overreacting? Should I stick with her? It’s not like I was planning on marrying this girl, but as Gob would say, come on.
Sounds like you’re dating a KSK commenter.
You seem to have a pretty good assessment of things. In my opinion, few things make an attractive woman ugly faster than a sincerely racist comment. And that may be the best way to get change out of her: tell her that her insensitive, casual attitude about race-related comments makes her less attractive. Don’t say it turns YOU off; say that it makes HER look unattractive. If she goes complaining to her friends about how mean you are, she’ll only expose her own prejudices.
If that advice doesn’t work, when people ask why you guys split up, say: “I couldn’t get over her being a racist.” Word travels fast on campus. She’ll learn her lesson real quick about what is and isn’t okay to say.
Football: Where, precisely, does Colt Brennan rank on the list of All Time Useless Redskins?
-Beaker in DC
Maj says: He makes Cary Conklin look like Billy Kilmer.
Hi fellow peen-gobblers,
Long time reader, first time commenter in any form. Football first, as law allows: I’ll be participating in fantasy football season ever with my husband and our office crew. I’ve pretty much decided taking anyone from my favorite team (the Dolphins, har-har) is a bad idea, but are there any offical do-s and don’t-s of fantasy football?
A broad question deserves a broad answer: Pay up front, and set your starting line-up on Sunday morning. (Also, as a first-timer, keep an eye on the bye weeks while you draft. You don’t want your three best running backs all sitting out in Week 7.)
Sexings: My husband and I have a three way relationship involving another female. She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles*. Anyway, should we find someone else to play with or just tolerate it? I’m down with finding someone else but he’s scared of the trauma that might ensue.
-Ricky William’s Drug Test aka Monica
“Wah wah wah, our interracial threesome could be sexier!”
Lady, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that freaky threesomes are something to be enjoyed, not tolerated. There are plenty more bisexually inclined fish in the sea. And they all cruise Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@CC,
“and Matt Schaub can’t throw it to Andre Davis every play.” I think you meant Andre Johnson, but it’s cool because Andre Davis also plays for the Texans and we graduated from the same high school.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
“So you should probably use the bathroom before you click through to read the rest.”
dont you mean “you should print this out on the company printer and take it to the bathroom on company time?”
/getting paid to do what I love
May 7th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Call it a hunch, but I don’t think all 300,000+ draftees will make the final roster, and Matt Schaub can’t throw it to Andre Davis every play.
Andre Johnson you mean??
May 7th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
“Speak up. Don’t spend the rest of your life not liking blowjobs. That’s no way to live, son.”
Truer words never spoken.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Go ahead and start reigning in those expectations now.
That should be “reining in,” Herr Grammar Nazi.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
@Beaker: My best friend from college married an anti-Semite–as in, and I quote: ‘the Jews need to get over the Holocaust already.’ I haven’t seen them in something like 12 years, though I email my old friend occasionally. I’d dump her ass.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
This is not a sex question per se, but allow me to elaborate. Me and my best friend are graduating college in a week,
From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.
One line in and I was hooked. Well done, Ufford.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
“Needless to say, that shit’s pretty racist, considering how it makes black men look like jive-shucking crazy sex machines. She didn’t see it that way, saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit, and called me too sensitive (I read Harpers”
Holy shit, you’re a pussy. A link on the intertubes to something offensive? I can’t believe your eyes didn’t melt from the sight of something that promotes stereotypes! Like, that’s totally not a positive image of black males and perpetuates the white male patriarchal hegemony! NOT FUNNY GUYS!
Oh, you’re a poli sci major. I didn’t realize you had already been neutered. Well, at least you can dry your tears on dailykos. Your girl’s probably going to go bone a black guy. Overcompensation and all.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
@ Beaker: Earn your brown belt before outing this racist bitch. Do it for us.
@QB Dating a LB: Add 30 to the number. This is what you get for asking girls how many dicks have penetrated them.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@ Neckbeard’s New #1 Fan: Were you just born to dine at the Y? I doubt it. So let your guard down, let a girl near your dick and gently direct her by asking “could you ____? I really like that.”
May 7th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Glen Matthews, take Caveman’s advice on the Belgian beers. St. Bernardus Abt is my personal choice to drown and distract sorrows resulting from your teams shittiness.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
To the guy getting married, if you are ever going to get anal your best odds are on your wedding night/honeymoon.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I stand corrected:
” (1) Embrace your inner asshole, find a cocaine dealer, and start nailing strippers,”
NOW truer words have never been spoken.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Dammit. Nice catch, Otto. Corrected.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
If I learned anything from this issue, it’s that I did, in fact, have to piss halfway through. Thanks, KSK! :)
May 7th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Veer = triple option.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Schaub be thrownin’ to Andre JOHNSON every play.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
apparently, a couple of nights before we met, she was really drunk and blurted out “I hate n-ggers”. I mean, sounds bad, right? I brushed it off because a) people say fucked up shit when they’re drunk
No, people say fucked up shit that they really believe but usually know better than to say out loud when they’re drunk.
Your lady is straight-up racist, that sucker is simple and plain. Motherfuck her … and John Wayne.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Hey Glen-or-Glenda: why wait for the honeymoon? I think you ought to know ahead of time what her reaction will be. And for fuck’s sake, don’t ask for anal on your wedding night. Methinks she’ll be in more of a romantic mood than a freaky mood, and even that’s only if the stupid veil doesn’t give her a splitting headache.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
@QB dating a LB: Be careful about asking questions you don’t really want the answers to. She’s in her mid-30’s, you don’t think she was in a convent all that time, do you? Look at this way…..she knows what she’s doing….don’t underestimate the value of knowledge.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Beaker in DC needs to STFU and appreciate he’s getting laid again. It sucks that white people can’t be as blatantly racist as us minorities are. Minorities are the most culturally xenophobic people in this country.
May 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
To Neckbeard – I am in my late 30s and married to a woman 8 years that has a “GI Joe Kung Fu Grip” and it doesn’t feel good…no amount of coaching has helped
To QB Dating a LB – Suck it up and learn from her experiences. I wish I had the hindsight to go back and start all over. All that matters is the piece of paper from the clinic.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
“or are we going to end up running the veer?”
running the veer; the new “earning your brown belt”
No?
May 7th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I like how people use being drunk for saying fucked up shit, there is a reason that alcohol is sometimes called “truth serum”
what Otto said
May 7th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
“She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles..”
I, seriously, have no idea what this means.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I understood maybe half of that 3some email. So she is ride or die but hates dick? How does a chick ride something besides a penis? Scissor-Jizzer maybe? And Yakky Hepher? So she is fat or is that like a Jewish slang term?
Fucking clarify, please. I want a picture in my head.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Racist chick would be perfect supplement to the three-way.
/somebody probably already said that, but I’m not hitting refresh.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
@ FeartheBuzzsaw
neither does Beaker in DC’s woman, but she sure as shit hates it.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Beaker, I’ll tell ya that the whole its a word game came flowing from my mouth many times over the years- mostly to agitate hyped-up East corridor hyperliberals like yourself- and probably with more sophistication than your facebook-video posting piece of tail as I also read Harper’s and TNR and all that jazz.
I didn’t actually have a problem with black people but had a problem with their irrational fear of the word and thought its taboo was actually strengthening it’s presence. But as I grew up, like 22 or 23, my experiences with black people changed from working alongside them or non-profit junk to becoming really good friends with one in particular. One drunken “bromance” night, I told him that I dropped N-Bombs all the time. He just kinda looked at me and said, “That’s really alienating.” We never talked about it again but as relevant impact of that statement seeped in over the next few months and I never used the word again except when I was in a fight and ended up getting pistol-whipped by 3 different sharks (I excuse myself from that however).
Point is, 20 isn’t that old and she’s still got some experiences coming her way…some white hipster dufus telling her how bad that word is though is only going to embolden her. If you find that unpalatable, walk…but realize that she likely isn’t that bad of a person.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
@Slothrop That’s hardly an anti-Semitic statement…from your tag-name I’d expect that you could make fine distinictions in the use of words…
May 7th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Booker’s is even stronger than Baker’s. It’s 120-127 proof.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I took a class in blowjobs in high school. Well, it wasn’t really a class, I guess, it was after school and I was the only student. So, independent study. Mr. Lang was an awesome teacher. One strange thing, he told me not to tell anyone about it, because it wasn’t on the state-approved curriculum. Goddam government education nazis. They try to ruin everything.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
http://smokingsection.uproxx.com/TSS/2009/05/i-hereby-renounce-my-american-citizenship
This answers all your questions.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
But as I grew up, like 22 or 23,
You’re so worldly and experienced now. Teach us your wisdom, sensei.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
How ironic that Caveman would preside over English Fail day at KSK.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
bywaterbrat… that was very thoughtful. WTF!
May 7th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
“an English intensive degree no doubt”
Engineering degree actually. Some people actually try to improve themselves in other categories while in school instead of getting a useless degree in history and becoming a blogger for a living. (although you are a successful one to be fair, whatever that might mean)
May 7th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@Bywater: Not anti-Semitic? Really? Hmm. In the next breath this person added that the Holocaust wasn’t that bad and that Christians have been persecuted for a long time and no one talks about that. That’s pretty fucked up to me.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
As for honeymoon sex, think about how SHE will remember it (don’t worry, you only have to worry about this once). See, since it’s supposed to be the best day of her life, try not to spoil it by ending the night with a voracious ass-pounding. Asking to put the d in the b is better suited for your birthday, or any other time when she knows that it’s all about you.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
@TR I’m a lot older than that now, but by then I wasn’t 20 any more- learn how to read. The verb “grew” is a descriptive, continuous verb (imperfect tense, if you speak any Romance languages).
May 7th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Am I the only one who thinks Beaker is seriously overreacting to his girl’s comments? If you’re going to flip your shit and dump a chick for making the occasional objectionable comment or having a politically incorrect opinon, you’re going to end up spending a lot of time alone and beating off into a sock. And you’re going to deserve it. If it bothers you THAT much, tell her to quit making comments like that around you. Jesus.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
“Engineering degree actually. Some people actually try to improve themselves in other categories while in school instead of getting a useless degree in history and becoming a blogger for a living.”
Speaking for all non-engineering majors out there, the only thing you engineers improved while at school was the size of your waist line, your knowledge of Klingon and your record of days lived while never getting laid.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@Honeymoon guy – don’t even bother having sex on the night you get married. Get yourselves sloppy and go at it the next morning.
Once on the actual honeymoon, continue getting hammered and just do whatever you feel like doing. If you want anal, ask for it. Want to invite the maid in for a morning threesome? Sure.
It’s your honeymoon – don’t overthink it.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@Slothrop That statement isn’t anti-anything, nor is the statement that followed…it logically just says that Jews have continued to internalize their persecution for too long (which is as valid as any opinion on someone else’s psychological hang-ups can be)
May 7th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Come on, if he dumps the girl for being racist, and word about it gets out in the PoliSci department, he will be knee-deep in poon soon enough.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
““an English intensive degree no doubt”
Engineering degree actually. Some people actually try to improve themselves in other categories while in school instead of getting a useless degree in history and becoming a blogger for a living. (although you are a successful one to be fair, whatever that might mean)”
/ducks and covers before Ufford discovers this
May 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
In America, Jewish plight isn’t quite as resonant as the plight of African-Americans. Let’s remember this.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
…and read some Philip Roth (or many other fine Jewish writers) for evidence of the truth of that statement coming from a Jew
May 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I was hanging out with some african-american friends, and was all like “Black people should stop bitching about slavery. That is SOOOOOO early 1900s. Besides they’re super better at sports than whites.” One of them got mad, and I was all like “Jeez, you’re a pussy. Chill out.”
May 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Good call, mamacita…didn’t even consider that angle
May 7th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Racist Chick: Yeah, thats a problem…I’d call her white trash and cracker-ass-cracker all week until she felt the pain. It’s like making a kid smoke a whole pack of ciggys till they puke…they won’t do it again.
3-Somes: You mean a chick involved in a 3-some that doesn’t like dick? That, children, is a what we call a lesbian. Say it with me now, LEZ-be-IN.
Wannabe Stoner/Player: Welcome to my world. I find using the previously mentioned Craiglist “Casual Encounters” a solid back up to banging 5s. Of course, when I’m uber stoned, by the time I log on, I’m already looking at porn, so whats the point? At least my hand is above a 5….(IMHO)
Honeymooner: How can you say she’ll do anything you can “cook up” in the bed room, but yet say you’re almost married and haven’t “cooked up” the anal question yet? Thats like, date #4 stuff man….of COURSE she’ll let you bang the brown eye on the wedding nite. Hell, if you ask, you can probably get it before, just so it’s not all ’shock and awe’ on her anus on the big night. Loosen up the screws a lil bit…
Bromance: It’s cool man, join a Fantasy Sports league, get on face book, IM each other. You can keep this behind-closed-door gay relationship/bromance going until his wife dies/divorces and you two can be re-united.
I don’t like head-guy: WTF is your problem. Thats like smacking every other man in the face, With your nuts! You bastard. You WILL enjoy that shit, if not for yourself, for the rest of us who may not be as fortuante as you.
Relationship with Friends: Good luck with that, she’ll most likely break your heart, which would in-turn give us a MUCH better email submission to KSK. Looking forward to hearing your sob story in the future.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
…But then I told them I had read some books by black people and they were cool with it.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Slavery maybe, but the 100 pretty awful years after that are still pretty real and relevant…another generation and maybe we can put that shit aside as well
May 7th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
the standard operating procedure is beer through the first half, then switching to liquor when the game starts to get unbearable
Dude, no. Liquor before beer, in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker. If you’re a Bengals fan, just say fuck it and get a bourbon IV hooked right to your veins.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
RE Sexings: “My husband and I have a three way relationship involving another female. She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles*. Anyway, should we find someone else to play with or just tolerate it? I’m down with finding someone else but he’s scared of the trauma that might ensue.”
I guess I’m really fucking white, because I only understand about half of this. It’s a threesome, but she won’t let a penis near her? So, is the husband’s dong detachable or something? And does “yakky hepher” mean she’s a fat chick who won’t shut up? If so, the answer seems pretty obvious: you can do better. Dump her fat ass and find a white bitch who doesn’t talk so much and actually likes dick.
Otto’s Public Enemy shout-out noted and appreciated.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I stand corrected, Caveman: English Fail Day and a RaFlaWa. Good work.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
To Bengal fan do you live in Ohio? If yes just drive to PA and buy a shit load of grain alcohol. I’m pretty sure it is legal to seel there.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
That picture is the most fucked up thing I’ve seen yet.
Nice red lingerie though.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
yea, I don’t know if I’m down with 5s , the pathetic (and yes, that question did come off quite weak) part of me almost wants to be down with balling 5s – but that happennign anytime soon…I can barely hit a 7 unless she’s got a great feature or two
May 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I think it’s a riot that adults are moaning about the quality of the handjobs they’re receiving. If she’s taken your dick out of your pants, there shouldn’t have to be a whole lot of effort expended to get a mouth or vagina involved in the situation. I can give myself a handjob – a good one, too. Do something I can’t.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
@otto,
but what of Elvis?
and to restate, drinking doesn’t make you say random things, it makes you say things you think to yourself most of the time. Your bitch is racist (confront her on it, or try and catch her in action and point out how it makes her look bad)
May 7th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
If you’re going to flip your shit and dump a chick for making the occasional objectionable comment or having a politically incorrect opinon, you’re going to end up spending a lot of time alone and beating off into a sock.
As ever, I am nothing but dismayed at the lack of faith in the fair sex displayed in these comments. Sigh. TRUST ME, you can find PLENTY of pretty ladies who DON’T blurt out HORRENDOUSLY OFFENSIVE RACIAL SLURS while drunk. Amen to whomever pointed out the fact that such an utterance is most likely symptomatic of what this girl actually thinks, but refrains from revealing in sober speech.
I can’t applaud Ufford’s “tell the lady what you want” answer to Mr. Bad Blowjobs enough.
I’d like to also chime in on the “how many dicks is too many?” question. You boys bitch every week that your lady won’t do this that whatever. You want a woman who’s adventurous, wild, and satisfying in bed? News flash: they only get that way by fucking lots of dudes. Not even lots of sex with a few dudes is an acceptable substitute. The true sex goddess must be like Anthony Bourdain, relentlessly and enthusiastically gobbling down everything insight until they have refined their sensibilities to an expert level.
Ahem. So shut the fuck up.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Platonic: Your grammar is horrible, regardless of your major.
Insatiable: Would you rather have a 36-year-old virgin? I didn’t think so.
Monica: Lay off of Ricky’s stash.
Stoner: You were just as retarded when you were stoned, but the drugs hid it from you. Everyone else, however, knew you were an idiot.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Where’s all those assbags that normally show up en masse whenever the Civil War is questioned? I was expecting a lot of them to come in with some heritage bullshit by now.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
@ MMS
I knew someone would be a white knight for ufford’s cock and use some outdated, half-assed insult like that. There’s no point in getting into a flame war since I know every commentor here will come a KSK author’s defense for the slightest of trangressions. I’ll just say that it was a mistake on my part that I believed CC would understand my situation, I still wish him, the ksk staff, and the commentors here the best of luck for being funny and providing the masses many laughs.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
hey platonic, take it from my 18 years of experience on this earth (i am aware that i don’t know shit.) you are not getting out of the friend zone unless you have a drunken hookup.
sorry
May 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Good point fmra.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
ByWaterBrat: Go Away. NOW. You are boring us. FUCK OFF.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Prom Guy is dispensing advice to Platonic Guy – THAT’s why I love this site.
/cue “The Circle of Life”
Prom Guy – when’s the big date?
May 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Otto Man, feel free to have a conversation with Brat, will ya? I realize you’re not an entertainment monkey (not racist, I promise) but it’s fun when you lay into people.
/stoking the flames of RaFlaWa.
//looking to get entertained via verbal beat downs.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Not a lot to comment on this week.
Glen Matthews : Since you seem to imply that you’ve BOTH been trying to hook up with each other over the past few years, you’re not exactly in the “friend zone.”
The friend zone is when a guy wants to fuck a chick, and the chick sees him as a friend only. THAT’s the one that’s inescapable. If she’s shown interest in you, it means she wants you, and unless you’ve gained 70 pounds and turned into some unwashed jerkoff, that interest is still there.
How about you just talk with her about it?
Oh my God My Chick Has Had 35 Guys : So? How many chicks have you nailed? Why does it fucking matter? Her box has been used, end of story. A woman is either a virgin or she isn’t. There isn’t some vague grading scale beyond that until you come to like “I fucked 200 guys in a drunken gangbang in a Patriots bar.”
Monica : I have no fucking clue what you just said. But I did notice the word threesome. And yet, you somehow have a problem?
May 7th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I’m disappointed the boyfriend of that buzzkill that reviewed Drew’s book didn’t write in this week.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Lil Wayne Chrebet: THANK YOU FOR THAT LINK. You are Today’s “CobraCommander’s Soldier of the Day”
May 7th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
A-fucking-men, FMRA. My standard response every time a guy balks at my “number” is just to tell him that he’s the one reaping the benefits NOW, so STFU.
And to platonic guy: what Uff said. Go have a silly, sloppy evening together, but be sure to throw in some sincerity before you get down to business.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
oh Buzzsaw it already was and nothing happened, thus my comment. Went, talked about it beforehand (she brought it up), were just friends now.
it sucks, whatever college next year. Plenty of ass there.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@Prom – probably better off that way. Take solace in knowing she would’ve bee a shitty lay, anyway.
What fine educational establishment are you attending next year?
Good luck.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
thank you buzz. I’m going to Vanderbilt so plenty of opportunities there (#1 reason I chose it. not to be a dick but only school top 20 in education and girls and social life.)
May 7th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
What? You guys don’t find spewing racial hatred sexy? What’s wrong with you? Weirdos.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Racist hate speech could go far in next years nasty fetish tournament
May 7th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
@Platonic Guy: You can’t ask a question and not expect some snarky, quasi-insulting response. Ufford’s advice is generally tough love/not what you want to hear (but usually true).
@Prom Guy: Good luck. Sorry to hear nothing happened, but it is good to get a post-mailbag update.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
RE Deux Deux Deux Says:
“I think it’s a riot that adults are moaning about the quality of the handjobs they’re receiving. If she’s taken your dick out of your pants, there shouldn’t have to be a whole lot of effort expended to get a mouth or vagina involved in the situation. I can give myself a handjob – a good one, too. Do something I can’t.”
I agree. Other than the novelty of being jerked by someone other than yourself, I’ve never seen the point of having a chick jerk it for you.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
here’s the thing about hand jobs, I say work the shaft yourself but let her work the balls. good times.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
@UU: a couple of new contenders for next year, maybe?
http://community.atom.com/Post/The-5-Most-SelfDefeating-Fetishes/03EFBFFFF0182C7B8000800B89256/
May 7th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@Prom – excellent choice. My older sister went there and it was my first exposure to SEC girls. (Her friends, I mean – I’m not sick.) Nashville is a pretty decent town. Make sure you visit every other town in the conference for football Saturdays for the full flavor.
I was very glad I chose an SEC school, too.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@Carrie – I wan to click your link, but there aint no way until you provide me with a SFW or NSFW
May 7th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
QB dating a LB: Have you never seen Clerks? Don’t ask how many guys a she’s been with. Thats a pretty simple rule. Especially if she isn’t married. The the fine editors, is there really not a moron filter on these posts by now?
May 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Re handjobs: They’re pretty awesome when coupled with some ball licking. Just sayin’. Drop the hint.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@Sage: I clicked on it and I’m still not even sure.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@Carrie, not surprised that involved Japanese people
@Sage, SFW
May 7th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
@FTB “She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles..”
Translation (I think, although you should probably ask the dude who reads Harpers who probably thinks of himself as culturally knowledgeable): The woman they are having a threesome with is great at munching box and receiving from another woman, but she is afraid of the schlong. The husband enjoys banging his black wife while she goes down on the third wheel, but he’s ready to stick his dick in the white lightning. He’s also disgusted that this white woman is fat, but the black wife loves the white woman’s ass (who knew the stereotype applied to bi-curious black woman as well as black men?).
May 7th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I can’t believe men don’t take the wise words of Chris Rock to heart on the numbers question (paraphrasing, because I can’t remember exact words): Doesn’t matter how many dicks she’s had, because no matter how many, it’s too many for YOU, even if it’s just 2, you’ll be all like, “Well, alright, I guess that’s just how you was raised.” So don’t worry about the other dicks and be glad YOU’RE fucking her now.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@ Bromance: Time to cut the umbilical. Little Johnny’s going away.
@ Neckbeard Fan: You can get whatever you want — as long as you tell her (ideally in a way that turns her on).
@ Glen: You can show her this page? If not, make a move.
@ QB: First of all, why the f–k would you ever want to know your girl’s number? She’s with you. Be happy she knows how to give great helmet!
@ RR: Depends where you go for your honeymoon. Hawaii can get you anal. Palm Springs won’t get you shit.
@ Insatiable Man: Higher times, loftier times. And try the strippers. They usually have good weed connections.
@ Beaker: Get her drunk and call Lexington Steele. That’s a good way to end the relationship — even if she wasn’t racist.
@ Monica: Winner of the “Where The Hell Are These Chicks At? E-Mail” Award…Might I suggest finding her a new lunchbox and getting you and your (Very lucky) guy a new one too.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
is this the clip Beaker is complaining about because its awesome!
http://jj.am/gallery/d/66822-2/Olivia_flipped.gif
definitely NSFW
May 7th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
“I recommend you get drunk with her and let laughter turn to flirting turn to kissing turn to saying stuff like “Wait, I don’t want to move too fast, because I actually really like you” before you go ahead and have sex anyway. Hooray for booze!”
Wow, actual good advise
May 7th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@ buzzsaw, thank you for the advice (I had not even thought of doing that before now.)
@ Fast eddie, I don’t think the guy being black makes any difference in that clip, like its meaningless that he is. If she said its funny cause hes black she=racist if not, it’s really not big deal.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
sigh.
Bywater, non-Jews telling Jews (or anyone else in my mind) to get over/forget/stfu about the Holocaust is and will remain anti-Semetic for quite some time. Go to South Florida or other places where elderly Jews now live and congregate and wait until you catch a fleeting glimpse of a number hastily tattooed into a forearm. It might take a while, as there are fewer and fewer living witnesses to the murderous work of the Nazis, but wait. It might be a little old lady or a frail gentleman, but you’ll see one. That’s an experience that one can’t get from a book. Even Maus or Night or anything by Roth.
Or go ask an Armenian what it means to have a genocide erased from history because it happened a long time ago.
Further, trying to rationalize one’s one bigotry by saying ‘but [my (usually a dominant, majority) group] has also suffered at the hands of (usually an ancient civilization like the pre-Christian Romans)’ only confirms said bigotry.
You sound like a child, no matter your age. Grow up.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
“which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind.”
“saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit”
What makes me think these guys are having communication problems in the bedroom?
May 7th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
At least my hand is above a 5….(IMHO)
My hand is an 11.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I would say using the word ‘nigger’ doesn’t inherently make you a racist. I do it every once in a while in front of friends, but only in jest, and I can 100% say I’m not racist (although I doubt you’ll believe me after admitting to that).
HOWEVER, yelling ‘I hate niggers!’ at a party is a whole other bag. The YTMND thing, well, YTMND is basically the wild wild west (WICKY-WAH) of the Internet. Them and 4chan. A little racism in jokes isn’t going to hurt anyone. The hate comment is a legit racist thing to say and I’d break up with her immediately over that.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Never ask how many dudes a chick has been with.
A) They’re always lying
B) The number will terrify you
C) The older they get without getting married, the number grows exponentially. Some girl marries her high school sweetheart: 1 dude. Some girl is single well into her 30s: roughly the male population of a major American city.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
if you’re going to be a dick about grammar, then shouldn’t it be “metrices” instead of “metrics”?
/i’m an asshole
May 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
@Mercury Morris: Whoa, that’s just not true. I’m an engineer. Waistline is fine, not a Star Trek fan, and got laid. By a girl. More than once. Easy on the stereotypes.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
On the “n-word” issue: Carlin said it best years ago. It’s not just the word, but the intent behind it that matters. If Beaker’s girl is using it in a derogatory, disgusting manner, it doesn’t matter if she’s laughing. It’s bad.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Veer = greatest play ever
May 7th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Nope, that’s “matrices,” the plural of “matrix.”
May 7th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Alright, I’ll say it – I prefer a well-lubed HJ over a BJ. I’m probably minority here (poor choice of words given today’s discussion?) but something about a woman talking dirty to you while you lay back and enjoy some serious high-school-like pleasure gets me going.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I don’t have anything more to say (your welcome, Otto) but I just don’t see it as anti-semitic.
It just doesn’t strike me as that relevant anymore, maybe dismissive or complacent, perhaps that’s what whomever was saying…I agree with your rebuke to the chidlish rationalization that everyone hs been persecuted, I think that the Holocaust of the Jews in particular has just been a bit overdone. Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao and many others racked up some pretty awful numbers- albeit not targeting one particular ethnic group, which is far more damaging to one’s psyche as a member I’m sure- saying that “I’ve heard that sotry to omany times” just doesn’t equal hate to me.
Rock out with your yamulk out!
May 7th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@prom guy Vanderbilt is FANTASTIC. Smart, ridiculously attractive girls. The bars are great. The town is wonderful. Only places that compare in the S-E-C are Georgia and Mississippi. And its a great education. Well played.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
The racist probably loves banging black dudes on the side. Irony be damned.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@Bywater: dude…let it go.
This isn’t a contest of who killed the most or who has suffered the most. Denying the Holocaust is among the sickest thing someone who calls himself an intelligent human being can do.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Don’t worry, Bywater. I wasn’t going to ridicule you, since you seemed to be doing a terrific job of it all by yourself.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I’m not sure I agree that the intent behind saying a potentially offensive word should be a mitigating circumstance.
As a personal example, I was once called a “cunt” in a really degrading, painful, and traumatic context. To this day, no matter what context surrounding it, that word makes me shudder. By extrapolation, I think the n-word has that effect on the race it describes: the original context of it was so dreadful that I’m not sure it will ever shed those connotations, at least in our lifetime.
Legally, whether something has a discriminatory intent or merely a discriminatory effect, it’s still discrimination. I feel the same way about using racially charged language.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
@FMRA: You’re wrong. The ex-wife was/is a whore and so-so in bed. The ex girl friend before her was a virgin and was dynamite in bed. Good at first, and quickly developed into great. Maybe that’s a rare exception, but you’re still wrong.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
No, using one word doesn’t necessarily make you racist, just like graffiting one swastika one a synagogue doesn’t necessarily make you a skinhead…but refusing to acknowledge that it was a prickish thing to do is still good reason for revulsion and/or dumping.
And I know everyone’s supposed to ignore bywater now, but, uh… are you really saying that it is OK for black people to still be sensitive about their injustices (for another generation, at least) but not Jews? Not exactly eons of difference in terms of how recently each group suffered horrifying oppression, is it?
Speaking of that, I remember getting really pissed at a friend’s boyfriend about five years ago for ranting for ten minutes about how necessary it was to literally kill every man, woman and child in Iraq if they wouldn’t stop killing our soldiers, and his girlfriend being shocked – SHOCKED – that I would be so insensitive as to demean his opinion, which I had to give the same respect as I would want my opinions given. Uh, sure…if I talk about whiny Jews or hating blacks or promoting genocide, someone should straighten me out as bluntly as possible.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
options, triple options, reverses, double reverses, etc don’t work well because the players are a lot faster and smarter than they are at the collegiate level..
May 7th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@rocco : as long as the pussy is tight (and of legal age) and she’s willing to satisfty… i’m in
May 7th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
satisfy**
May 7th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@FMRA: but i love using “cunt” on other guys. Will that still work?
May 7th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Bywater’s not denying the Holocaust…he’s just saying they need to get over it. Like, for example imagine someone had committed some kind of horrible atrocity against Americans, killing thousands of civilians just because they’re Americans…and imagine how tiresome it would be if everyone was like “Remember [This Event]” or “Never Forget [date of event].” Really, everyone should just get over anything that happens to them, no matter how terrible, as soon as other people, however small or misguided a group, get tired of thinking about it.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
You know who else pisses me off? Breast cancer survivors.
“It was so terrible….whaa…I’m so disfigured now…boo hoo…let’s have a walk-a-thon and rub everyone’s faces in my misery.”
It’s not as if making other people, who were lucky enough to avoid your circumstances, aware of your situation could possibly lead to some kind of a solution or prevention of further instances of the bad thing that happened to you. Just get over it.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Hmm…maybe I should have gone to Vandy instead. My sister did go there, though.
/Hopes my sister wasn’t nailed by a commentor.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Somebody, anybody, please tell a dick joke.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@Platonic guy: Same situation here. She’ll be staying at my house for a week while in town. I was gonna write in but am too traumatized from the last time. I’m going with the “It was bad timing before but patience has paid off let’s get drunk and to the sexy again.”
May 7th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@LaFavre- I’m pretty sure your commentor name just did.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG
May 7th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
@LaFavre
Otto walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, “Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?”
So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, ”Well, my first blow job.” The bartender smiles and replies, “Yea, that’s a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!”
“Nah,” Otto replies… “If thirteen doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will.”
May 7th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Sorry, when I said “which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind” I intended on adding this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZItsbLzc73s
MY BAD.
May 7th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Nice to see Bywater’s original thinking on race is matched by his original taste in jokes. Do you have one about hot buttered corn?
May 7th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
There was no need to tell a dick joke, bywater. You’re both.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
@Baywater: Read Slothrop’s advice, develop a sense of empathy, and don’t reproduce. Please.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I don’t think theres any risk that he will ever reproduce.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
There are linguistic private clubs. Black folks can use it 15 times in 5 sentences and its okay. My gay brother and his friends routinely call each other ‘queer’, ‘bitch’, and my favorite, ‘tired old queen’. If you are white you simply cannot engage in in this kind of speech unless you are doing so in some sort of extremely dispassionate sense or you’re in some pointless college sociology class discussion.
Is this right? Maybe not. Maybe no words should be off limits to anybody. Common sense dictates, however, that if a word can get your jaw broken, it probably needs to be avoided.
/dick joke
May 7th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Perils: I think you just won the entire argument with those two posts.
Iambic: My current college roommate (who i have known since 6th grade) is black and doesn’t give a shit what I say. I can say anything I want to him because he knows that I’m not a racist or trying to offend him in any way. Perhaps its a comfort level, or maybe its just that he is not offended by those things (his parents are from Haiti, but that is beside the point I guess). I mean, I don’t broadcast it in public because I know that he is probably in the minority (ba-dum pshh) in this case and other black people aren’t as…shall we say accepting of my use of the word as he is. It is all based around the personal feelings of the people you’re with.
@anyone: At the risk of sounding like even more of an idiot, what does “RaFlaWa” mean?
May 7th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
@pigs
A “FlaWa” is a Flame War, basically commenters sniping back at forth at each other, usually for topics only tangentially related to the actual post, which often turns ugly as it goes on.
In this case, “Ra” stands for race or racism or something similar. Hence, this would be a “racial flame war”.
By comparison, “Poflawa” is a political flame war, etc.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
RaFlaWa = Race Flame War
Last week’s mailbag was The Godfather part II. This week’s mailbag is Hitch. Let’s all try to do better next week folks.
Prom Guy, Vandy is a solid choice. Nashville rocks, in a country sort of way. Just don’t wear a tie to a football game.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
dude, the niggaflip isn’t racist. it’s a magical combination of wrasslin and fuckin’. if randy the ram was black, he’d do this move to marissa tomei in a damaged heartbeat.
but if the girl spouts off that she hates black people, yeah, i’d get rid of her.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
“The only thing we hate more than racists are Spics.’
-Flat Point High Donkeys
May 7th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
The 11th Commandment:
A handjob is a man’s job; a blowjob is a ho’s job.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Doesn’t “iller” mean douche bag in French? Well it def. should now.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Scissor jizzer=pure gold. Otto=still a gem. Thanks for the “poflawa” definition help Steve.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Good racism. Lofty racism.
Look, even in jest, the n-word is UGLY. Wanna joke about LenWhale eating Kentucky Grilled Chicken? Chances are, you’re making fun of racists, not African-Americans. But dropping the n-bomb EVAR is just inexcusable.
/enjoying the view from high horse
May 7th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
@prom guy
Could be worse, I was dating a solid 9 my senior year and it was that time of the month and I ddnt even get a beej-blue balls from ur gf is worse than from a friend any day of the week, especially your own f*cking prom
May 7th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
After reading QB dating a LB’s letter all I could think was “37!!”
May 7th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Bengals fan: Vodka – it’s cheap, tastes great with anything, and has very few impurities. I’m barely here half the time and am fully functioning. If you drown your season in Belgian beer you’re going to be fat and hungover most of the time. Stick to a steady diet of vodka and blow. That’s just TMO.
Dude who’s dating the whore: Get rid of that. You can’t teach hot and I’ve never had to tell a vagina what to do. It’s much better to get a lump of clay and mold it. Besides if the 50+ guys who’ve railed out your chick didn’t see anything worth keeping she’s probably grade f beef anyway.
May 7th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp Re:Cunt
I think it’s like rape jokes
Male on Male-> Funny
Male on Female-> Not Funny
Female on Female -> Hot?
May 7th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I don’t know anything about any of this other shit, but you Vandy bitches can go straight to hell with your yuppies and coked out bitches. Have fun being athletically irrelevant.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
@Rectum Ranger: If you’re fiance is really down for anything in the bedroom, how is it you have not tried to get anal before? Something seems a little off with your story.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
@Upstate Underdog (first post):
Realize the chances of you seeing this are small but I saw the first comment…small world! I’m a senior at Nisky HS right now myself…
May 7th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
@SonOfSpam: Wait, so anyone who uses the N word is inexcusable? So almost every black person is inexcused? Now, I don’t use the N word, nor do I have close black friends. but how does this make any sense? If it’s not ok for anyone else to say, why do I hear it all the time from black people? Better yet, why is my best friend, a white guy teaching in an inner city high school, getting called a nigger by his students? Is that a sign of affection, or disrespect?
May 7th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Ok, so late submission: I was sleeping with this girl who ended up being bat shit crazy, cut her off, and my buddy took a liking to her. Would I be a dick for going to the “Sloppy seconds” or “How’s my dick taste” card? I’m not that guy, but even though he’s my buddy, he’s kind of a douche. She shows up tonight at our dart league playoff, and I held back any comments. Jury?
May 8th, 2009 at 12:12 am
@Rocco I’d take the high road and stay away from any comments. If she was your ex-girlfriend, then I think you’d have the all-clear with going with the “How’s-my-dick-taste?” comments. I think you’ll end up looking better if you act like you don’t give a shit, which you probably shouldn’t because you cut it off with her in the first place.
Oh, and here’s an update from my situation a couple weeks back (last question in the mailbag). She loved the vibrator. Got to use it on her a couple of times. Now she’s left town, but the FWB relationship (which was really more like casual dating, now that I think about it) ended on a high note. I think the whole thing will be looked back on fondly in our respective books. Thanks for the advice from all of you drunken, filthy and inspiring commenters.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Tell your gal to think of it as a handjob with mouth assistance.
Or rather, tell her to channel the Hipster Grifter.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:13 am
RE Shake Says:
“Re:Cunt
Male on Male-> Funny
Male on Female-> Not Funny
Female on Female -> Hot?”
Um, no. Women don’t like being called a cunt, not by anybody. I don’t mind it any more than any other insult, but apparently, most women do not agree with me. Using the “C-word” could be a relationship-ending offense, from what I’ve observed. It’s like nuking the site from orbit. No going back. YMMV, but that’s my two cents on that.
RE Rocco: Continue holding back. You dumped her, what’s the justification for giving him shit about hitting that now? Being a dick just to be a dick? You say he’s a douche, but if you go this route, how does that make you any better? I know men like to rag on each other, I assume it’s some kind of fucked-up alpha male bullshit, but once you say something, you can’t unsay it. The older I get (I’m not that old now, dammit), the more glad I am that I didn’t say various things I’ve thought about saying but didn’t. If that makes any sense.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:48 am
What is wrong with a racist chick? Does racism make her pussy less wet and her titties less supple. Is this fuckin Keith “cock sniffin” Olberman? Who gives a shit what kind of person she is? Fuck her hard and often. Grudge fuck her if you have to. Rip that shit up, but for the sake of all the little half breed children in (where ever Travis Henry is from) quit bitching about a smoking hottie using a taboo word. My mom called me a motherfucker once……….true story.
May 8th, 2009 at 1:54 am
HITCH IS A GOOD MOVIE!!!!
May 8th, 2009 at 1:55 am
I have to agree with Shake, to an extent. I had no idea guys called each other cunts, but if they do, I find it hilarious and now want to witness it.
Not okay for a guy to call a girl that, unless it’s rough sex and she likes it.
Only okay for a chick to call another chick a cunt if it’s got the right meaning, as in my best friend and I call each other that (and a host of other insulting terms) and it’s okay, but if a random girl said that I’d be pretty pissed.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Alright, let’s see what we got here…
@DOLE: I’m aware that there’s racist shit on the internet. But why should have to like/approve of it? Also, do you really have nothing better to do then make fun of someone’s major? Christ I feel sorry for you.
@CobraCommander: No need to worry. Mission accomplished.
@Bywater: Although I STRONGLY disagree with your take on the Holocaust, your advice on my situation is well-taken, thanks. Also, “white hipster dufus” is a remarkably accurate description of me.
@FMRA: I understand what you’re saying, but most of those girls won’t, for whatever reason, date me. I think I’m going to stay with her for now, but it’ll be a very short leash.
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp: The Award of the Best Comment of the Mailbag goes to you, with the Lex Steele line.
@mark: Sorry, but it’s racist. It wouldn’t be called ‘n-ggaflip’ if it wasn’t. It would be called “The Flip” or something along those lines. And even then, laughing at black virility in that context is pretty suspect, and you don’t need to anthro class to teach that.
@Rocco: I just don’t see the point of that. 10 seconds of smugness to worsen a friendship? Doesn’t seem worth it to me. And I’m a smug asshole.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:30 am
@Arm Strongcock
That’s the best advice for Beaker I have heard for the whole mailbag. Jebus, the guy said he wasn’t going to marry this piece of poon anyway, so what the fuck is the difference?
Also Beaker
You sound like one of those hyper liberal types. Ask one of the multitude of black friends you obviously have. They will tell you to keep hittin’ that shit till you get tired of her. Besides, that whole “you are a racist and I can’t take it anymore” card makes you look like the god guy when you do get bored.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Is this fuckin Keith “cock sniffin” Olberman?
I don’t think Keith Olberman is a cock sniffer. He’s not a Republican senator.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Is anyone else delighted by the fact that “UTI Guy” is now a recurring KSK moniker?
May 8th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Yeah, it’s a guy thing. It would in no way affect our friendship. This girl was in no way a girlfriend. Just a booty call. I find the “sloppy seconds” and “how’s my dick taste” quips funny, but also don’t see much point in going there. I was just curious what the commentors would think. You are a fountain of wisdom.
/How’s my dick taste joke?
May 8th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Chick is great in the sack but he’s worried because she said nigger? Seriously? I’d let my woman call me “cracka ass cracka” so long as she put my dick in her mouth.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:54 am
You listen to me and you listen good, because nobody else in your life will have the sack to say this: Gambling makes everything more exciting. Bet on everything you can.
Thank you for the advice Gunnery Sergeant Hartman!
And oh yeah, dump that racist chick – college campuses are small places no matter how many students go there so if the word got out, you’d be overflowing in symapthy poon in no time. Where is she from? Ohio?
May 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Dolphin fans have a problem with Matt Ryan at quarterback? Wait, Parcells drafted who instead? haha! That reminds me of the time Parcells passed on Stephen Jackson in favor of Julius Jones.
(Yeah, I know Parcells picked up a #1 for trading down but then he wasted the pick on Marcus Spears, so fuck him.)
May 8th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Now that the racism argument is over, can Beaker please win me $50 by confirming that the girl goes to Georgetown?
May 8th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Late, but I think that we need a regular column from Monica. I don’t feel old enough as it is.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Only okay for a chick to call another chick a cunt if it’s got the right meaning, as in my best friend and I call each other that (and a host of other insulting terms) and it’s okay, but if a random girl said that I’d be pretty pissed.
Carrie,
You’ve officially become my dream girl.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
“From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.” . . . That’s comedic gold right there.
@Qb dating a LB. Rule of thumb, take the total she gave you, and multiply it by three. THat’s how it works. If you were in a 15 year relationship, chances are you probably had more sex than your current girlfriend. I direct you to a quote from Silent Bob in Chasing Amy when his girlfriend told him she had screwed around with a ton of guys: “I wasn’t disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small – like-like I’d lacked experience, like I’d never be on her level, like I’d never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I’m saayin’? But, what I did not get, she didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for that guy anymore. She was – she was looking for me, for-for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy… So to speak.”
@ Rectum Ranger: Go for it the 2nd or third night. The honeymoon is also time to have sex in public too. It’s totally ok cause you are a newly wed.
May 9th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Here’s one. How about if you guys started out hooking up, then distance turned you guys into friends. Can it go back to a hook up situation, or have you crossed the Rubicon already?
May 9th, 2009 at 5:21 am
@Beaker: The thing with Racist Chick is that you’ve lost respect for her. You’re not going to be able to regain that respect, so she can’t be your girlfriend. Keep banging away if you want to, and I wouldn’t dis you for doing so, but she can’t develop into a girlfriend. She can’t even develop into a FWB, since you’d lose respect for yourself for having a racist friend. The most she can be is “this chick I’m banging.”
/Dr. Phil
May 9th, 2009 at 5:23 am
Also, Monica’s husband is a lucky sumbitch, and I hate him for it.