sexy-racist-lesbians

You people have problems, we have answers.  And I mean you people REALLY have problems.  That’s why we have the Fantasy Sex/Football Advice Mailbag.  This week’s deluge of emails kept us from being able to use everyone’s submission, but don’t worry: the column still checks in at over 3200 words.  So you should probably use the bathroom before you click through to read the rest.  This goes on for a while.  Like my johnson!  BOOSH.

The solutions to all your sick (and [sic]) problems after the jump.  Spoiler alert: you’re gonna need booze.

Dear KSK,

This is not a sex question per se, but allow me to elaborate. Me and my best friend are graduating college in a week,

From a grammar-intensive program, no doubt.

and we’ve been friends for our entire lives. I can honestly say that both of us would take a bullet for each other. In addition, we have both saved each other’s lives at least once (I saved him from from skinhead who started to go a little too far in a bar fight; he saved me from an incident in high school when I got alcohol poisoning and had the presence of mind to know what to do to make sure I didn’t die).

The thing is, he and his girl are pretty close and she’s moving out to the west coast for a job and he’s going with her. I am staying on the east coast, and unless one of us moves we’re probably only going to see each other maybe once every other year for the rest of our lives during the holidays. The question is: am I being a huge [homo] for feeling a little depressed about this? If not any suggestions?

Ahhh, my least favorite recent addition to the lexicon: bromance.  It’s very real, and I’d happily tell my own story of Marine Corps brotherhood, but then everyone would just call me gay in the comments (more so than usual, that is).  But yes: your guy friends will always be the greatest dudes on the planet, and the chicks they run away with will never be cool enough to warrant them stealing your man away from you.  Got a problem with that?  Grow some tits.

Sorry, pal.  This is life, not Burger King.  You can’t have it your way.

Football: Growing up, I was a huge Jerry Rice fan, and basically rooted for any team he was on to win. Coincidentally, with the exceptions of the Seahawks, every team he was on was winning. Does this make me a bandwagon fan, or is this a legitimate reason to switch team allegiances?

Kids are idiots, and they need to be told by their fathers who to root for, or they’ll just end up liking the best player or the team that wins the Super Bowl.  You apparently grew up without such a rudder (parents divorce?  Dad gay?), so feel free to cheer for whomever you like… but know that you will always face the quiet scorn of die-hards.

Also, Jerry Rice is a douche for wearing Steve Largent’s retired number.

Dear “Big Daddy Balls” and Co,
Football first. So I was (mis)fortunate enough to be born in Colorado, thus I’m a diehard Broncos fan, and even considered buying a Cutlerfucker jersey at one point in time. Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t. Given the Broncos schedule, (we pulled the fackin’ Pats, Indy, the NFC East, and the AFC North, as well as getting to play marmalard 2x) what chances do you give Denver to, oh, I dunno, be an above .500 team or make a wildcard spot?

Go ahead and start reining in those expectations now.  The Broncos went 8-8 last year while having the NFL’s 26th most difficult schedule.  Meanwhile, according to advanced metrics, the Broncos were lucky to the tune of half a win, while the Chargers were the unluckiest team in the league, winning only 8 games even though their play projected them to win 11.4 games.  AND the Broncos lost their best player, who happened to play the most important position on the field.  AND their schedule is tougher this year.

But hey, at least you can draft a replacement for Orton with next year’s top-ten pick.  Oh wait, the Broncos traded that first-round pick to the Seahawks.  Sorry.  **stifles glee**

Sex: so, I’m a 21 year old student and consider myself above average (albeit by the slimest of margins) in the bedroom. I love eating box, and what not, but my previous girlfriends set a TERRIBLE precedent and have led me to believe that every girl in the world has shit for brains when it comes to dicks. Seriously, in high school every girl I dated or hooked up with seemed to have a vice-grip for a hand which made handjobs only slightly worse than blowjobs because they honestly had this state of mind. Long story short whenever I’m hooking up with a girl and she makes a move towards my junk, I basically just back up and get right to the sex. What the hell is wrong with me? And will I err be able to find/ enjoy getting head?

Sorry about the brevity, but you guys kickass and you’re also my last resort,
- Neckbeard’s New #1 Fan

What, you think women get taught how to give blowjobs in high school health class?  Sorry, buddy, but you gotta take some responsibility here.  Great cocksuckers — and it’s a rare instance that “cocksucker” is a compliment, as it is here — are made, not born.  I definitely understand where you’re coming from, because women who are good at head are surprisingly hard to find, but that’s only because their 21-year-old college boyfriends never told them what they liked.

I know what you’re going to say: you don’t know what you like because everyone you’ve been with has sucked at sucking.  Well, it ain’t rocket science.  Tell your gal to think of it as a handjob with mouth assistance.  Remind her to keep her lips over her teeth.  And everyone enjoys some nice ball-cupping.

Speak up.  Don’t spend the rest of your life not liking blowjobs.  That’s no way to live, son.

Dear Sultans of Semen,

Ever feel like your chance at happiness in this life is slowly slipping away from you?

If by “slowly” you mean “quickly” — yes.  Every day.

There’s this great girl that I have repeatedly dropped the ball with over the course of, oh, five years. Whenever I was ready for something to happen, she wasn’t ready/taken, and whenever she was ready, I was drowning in a sea of Jack Daniels/seeing someone else. We have remained friends, and every time we talk it seems like the most substantial elements of our conversation involve us complaining about our lack of success with the opposite sex. When we’re not doing that, we’re arguing and picking at each other like a married couple. My question is, how do I drop an A-bomb on the friend zone and tell her that I want to give the dating thing an honest try? The closest I’ve come to a relationship in the past three years is telling a girl I really, really like her to score a killer beej.

Here’s a fact: the more serious a relationship gets, the fewer female friends a male can feasibly have.  Hell, married guys have a hard enough time maintaining friendships with other men.  So it’s not like your friendship with this gal has a real future UNLESS you make a move for the intimate zone.  I recommend you get drunk with her and let laughter turn to flirting turn to kissing turn to saying stuff like “Wait, I don’t want to move too fast, because I actually really like you” before you go ahead and have sex anyway.  Hooray for booze!

Football: I’m a Bengals fan. I have a high tolerance. Can you recommend something to get me through the season? Everclear is illegal where I live.

Warmest Regards,
Glen Matthews

The good news is that football games are three hours for a reason.  That’s plenty of time for even the most hardened of livers to get pickled.  Check in on any of KSK’s Monday Night Football live-blogs during the season; the standard operating procedure is beer through the first half, then switching to liquor when the game starts to get unbearable.  If regular beer isn’t strong enough, look into Dogfish Head and Belgian tripels like Chimay.  If you like whiskey, spend the extra few bucks on Baker’s, which at 53.5% ABV is an extra 15-20 proof stronger than the average bourbon.

Masters of the poon and the pigskin,

Football: What the hell are the Dolphins doing at QB? The John Beck era came and went pretty quickly, didn’t it? Is Henne the answer, or are we going to end up running the veer?

The… veer?  Is that something like the Wildcat?

Hey, Tom Brady was a low pick out of Michigan, and he turned out okay.  But no, seriously: you guys are fucked.  Just keep telling yourself that Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl.  Defense wins championships!

Sex: After 15 years of a monogamous relationship I am dating again. I’ve recently started having sexy time with a woman my age (36). My issue is the number of guys she’s been with. She told that she has had sex with 35 guys and “probably blown another 20 or so.” On the one hand, she’s never been married, so she’s had nearly 20 years to do whoever she wants, so the yearly average is low. But on the other hand, 50 plus dicks is a lot, right? Is there some age-to-sex partner ratio that no one has told me about?

Thanks,
QB dating a LB

Hey fucko, not everyone resigns themselves to the same doomed relationship for 15 years.  Hell, 50 dicks is a slow month for commenter FutureMrsRickAnkiel.  The only thing that matters is a negative test from the clinic.  Get over yourself.  And stop asking how many people girls have slept with.  Dick.

p.s.  Go ahead and add 20-30 to that number.  Everybody hedges.

Fat white drunk men,

Hey!  Two of us are skinny!

I’m getting hitched soon and can’t wait for it. She’s a great girl and really cool – read: open to trying pretty much anything I can cook up in the bedroom. Would a honeymoon be a poor choice to broach the subject of the brown eye? I’ve never ventured down that sticky path before, but would like to give it a go. I want to have a great trip and there will be a ton of emotions flying around. Should I try to parlay that high into back door triumph? Or would that result in me spending my first married week on the couch?

Buddy, if ever there’s a time to ask for it, I would think the honeymoon is the time.  And she doesn’t sound like the kind of girl that would sulk if you asked.  Bring lube.

Also, does the drafting of 324,751 tight ends by the Texans mean I should steer clear of Owen Daniels this coming year? Guy was great in my PPR league as a late round keeper last year.
Thanks,
Rectum Ranger

Call it a hunch, but I don’t think all 300,000+ draftees will make the final roster, and Matt Schaub can’t throw it to Andre Davis Johnson every play.  I think he’s still a viable option at TE.

Skullfuckers of Sacrament,

FOOTBALL: I’m consistently the guy who blows the draft (either due to injury or delusion) but usually hits the waiver wire and picks match-ups well (thanks FO) and thus play my way into the bottom seed. I know in betting you shouldn’t go against your heart even as a hedging measure, as you will feel even more despicable, but what about using fantasy to hedge your monetary wagers?

You listen to me and you listen good, because nobody else in your life will have the sack to say this: Gambling makes everything more exciting.  Bet on everything you can.

DRUGS: I used to be an iller, that’s the term we had amongst my group of friends for those of us who smoked all day, every day yet were still active, driven, socially-composed heathen. [For my job,] I quit almost two years ago cold turkey. I stilll smoke about once a month with podnuhs over beers but I really miss just that warm, fuzzy feeling of hitting the bong before getting in the shower or blazing down before going for a bike ride, cleaning my place/cooking dinner while turning the music up loud. I’d love to get back to iller status even if I know that it wouldn’t be quite the same as those pre-25 years, after all I like being productive and a bit stiffer in some regards as well. PROBLEM is that everytime I try to smoke and chill like before I am no longer an iller and just become a pathetic stoner easy-to-tire, bored and sleepy. Should I start out with regs or something, would coffee work? Help me feel beautiful again (laugh it up ingrates).

Maj says: If a bong hit is making you all sleepy and useless then maybe try out a different smoking device. Maybe a small pipe is all you need to transform you back into a more productive stoner.

I say: This may sound totally revolutionary, but people who do the same drug for years on end start getting diminishing returns.

SEX: Sometime after dropping the weed habit, I quit being cool. Sure, I’m more confident and successful and all and can still put on a face all day and be Mr. Corporate Charming at the office and what-not but I can’t get laid for the life of me. Never used to be a problem even though I was an underachieving, self-loathing drunk a large majority of the time. I’ve always had a knack for recognizing which girls wanted to ball and am not a pussy when it comes to approaching them. Also, now that my emotions and body can’t afford $500/wk bartabs I can not do the whole drunken hook-up thing. Recently, when I get that first date, I become an automaton, spouting the same BS lifestory as Mr. Corporate Charming- interesting and entertaining but not sexy and quite soul-less. Is there hope or does the suit and tie also require retiring my fertilizer rocket?

- What is the insatiable man to do?

Good Lord, that was depressing.  A corporate automaton who yearns for his old stoner days?  Golly, I can’t imagine why the women don’t flock to you.

You’re not the same person you were when you were an “iller,” so why would you use the same methods?  You’ve got two options: (1) Embrace your inner asshole, find a cocaine dealer, and start nailing strippers, or (2) Get yourself a damn hobby.  Start volunteering.  Take a cooking class.  Study muay Thai kickboxing. Stop looking back on who you were, and start embracing your life now.  When you’re happy with who you are, women’s interest will follow.

tmyk

Dear Hines Ward Appreciation Fan Club,

So this is more of a relationship thing then pure sex, but you guys have turned into semi-straight Dan Savages, so I doubt it’ll be a problem. So after a two-year cold streak, I randomly bring this 7/8 (8 and a half in four beers time) and we do the nasty.

Your Streets reference is noted and appreciated.

That was three months ago, and it’s still going strong, morphing into a relationship. She’s pretty cool- graphic design major (as compared to my Poli Sci), likes smoking smoking weed and watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And as for sex, she is, in her own words, “insatiable”. So that’s good. Mutual friends warned me about just one thing- apparently, a couple of nights before we met, she was really drunk and blurted out “I hate n-ggers”. I mean, sounds bad, right? I brushed it off because a) people say fucked up shit when they’re drunk and b) I’d never heard her say/do anything remotely like that. Until two nights ago, when she posted a link on my Facebook wall to something called “the n-gga flip”, which is a YTMND of a black guy flipping a white woman over while they had sex. Needless to say, that shit’s pretty racist, considering how it makes black men look like jive-shucking crazy sex machines. She didn’t see it that way, saying it was just funny and it’s just a word bullshit, and called me too sensitive (I read Harpers, to give you a sense of my political leanings). She eventually promised not to say shit like that if we were together, but it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t really sorry. Some friends suggested I could try to change her mind, but if you’re 20, and it’s 2009, and you still think that one white person saying shit like that to another white person is acceptable, then you’re not going to change. So what do I do? I mean, is she racist? Am I, in fact, overreacting? Should I stick with her? It’s not like I was planning on marrying this girl, but as Gob would say, come on.

Sounds like you’re dating a KSK commenter.

You seem to have a pretty good assessment of things.  In my opinion, few things make an attractive woman ugly faster than a sincerely racist comment.  And that may be the best way to get change out of her: tell her that her insensitive, casual attitude about race-related comments makes her less attractive.  Don’t say it turns YOU off; say that it makes HER look unattractive.  If she goes complaining to her friends about how mean you are, she’ll only expose her own prejudices.

If that advice doesn’t work, when people ask why you guys split up, say: “I couldn’t get over her being a racist.”  Word travels fast on campus.  She’ll learn her lesson real quick about what is and isn’t okay to say.

Football: Where, precisely, does Colt Brennan rank on the list of All Time Useless Redskins?
-Beaker in DC

Maj says: He makes Cary Conklin look like Billy Kilmer.

Hi fellow peen-gobblers,

Long time reader, first time commenter in any form. Football first, as law allows: I’ll be participating in fantasy football season ever with my husband and our office crew. I’ve pretty much decided taking anyone from my favorite team (the Dolphins, har-har) is a bad idea, but are there any offical do-s and don’t-s of fantasy football?

A broad question deserves a broad answer: Pay up front, and set your starting line-up on Sunday morning.  (Also, as a first-timer, keep an eye on the bye weeks while you draft.  You don’t want your three best running backs all sitting out in Week 7.)

Sexings: My husband and I have a three way relationship involving another female. She’s a ride or die chick in the sack but she is peen-a-phobic–like she won’t let the damn things near her. Hubby likes the reverse oreo look while sexy times go on (I’m black, they aren’t) but he’s getting tired of the “Ohmaigawd ew!” at the mention of penis. Plus she’s a yakky hepher but damn, that ass *whistles*. Anyway, should we find someone else to play with or just tolerate it? I’m down with finding someone else but he’s scared of the trauma that might ensue.

-Ricky William’s Drug Test aka Monica

“Wah wah wah, our interracial threesome could be sexier!”

Lady, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that freaky threesomes are something to be enjoyed, not tolerated.  There are plenty more bisexually inclined fish in the sea.  And they all cruise Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section.