Peter King Calls Out The United Kingdom’s Coffeemakers
When we last left toilet-stuffing spongeblob Peter King, he was indulging in semi-brief, quasi-LeBronish Favrian semi-arguments, and imploring you to find a rich uncle to spot you ten grand to help Dr. Z. I, alas, have no rich uncles. Anyone who’s seen “Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker” knows that uncles only come in four varieties: gay, alcoholic, stealing, and molester. So don’t go assuming I have a spate of uncles who are flush with assets, Peter. NOT ALL OF US HAVE AN UNCLE WHO LIVES IN THE BACK BAY.
So what poorly digested thoughts will Peter be excreting out of his mouth-hole this week, baffling auto-flush units the world over? Read on…
You’ll find one very predictable thing in common with every top team in my annual Tick Off Half The Football Fans In America Post-Free-Agency, Post-Draft NFL Power Rankings:
Chemistry?
Quarterbacks.
I’ll be damned. That’s actually a well-grounded criteria for arbitrarily ranking teams. Let’s not see THAT happen again, King!
1. New England
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Teams don’t stay the same in the NFL.
They shape shift! Didn’t know the Jaguars, at the sight of the full moon, were equinathropes? Now you do. As an adman, I can tell you that Maurice Jones-Drew was ruled out of appearing in an Old Spice body wash ad because his centaurism was too sporadic.
That’s the old bromide. But tell me: What’s the difference between the Patriots of 2007 and the Patriots who enter the season in 2009?
Their linebackers still gum their food? They have issues with Matt Light at left tackle? Tom Brady has become an international raconteur? Their secondary isn’t very good and they signed Shawn Springs’ cadaver to help cover it up?
I actually think New England is easily one of the best choices to win it all this coming season. But shit DOES happen in two years, you know.
2. Pittsburgh… You can be sure Mike Tomlin won’t be much of a laurel-rester, but it’s always quasi-impossible to repeat.
But NOT semi-impossible! Either something is impossible or it isn’t. It’s a term of absolute certainly. Saying something is quasi-impossible is as dumb as saying someone is almost pregnant. Or saying you’re bi-curious. Buddy, you’re not bi-curious. You’re bisexual. Suck a dick and get on with it.
4. Chicago
Wait, what? Are we sure we’re ranking football teams here?
I may not like how Jay Cutler babied his way out of Denver, but by Labor Day, the football world will have forgotten, and by Thanksgiving, the most popular baby name in Chicagoland will be Jay.
No it won’t. “ExtraSausage” will never be eclipsed.
(Unless it’s Jerry…as in Angelo, the man who stuck his neck out and made this deal.)
Well, that sentence construction was tortured like Bob Baer in a Syrian prison.
8. Baltimore
Ray Lewis and his men like smart guys.
Guys smart enough to know how to game the American judicial system.
I love the free-agent signing of Bryant McFadden to pair at corner with Dominique Rogers-Cromartie (does any other corner combination in football contain 13 syllables?)
Um, no? I guess? Who fucking cares? What a factoid. Say, did you know Bears corner Charles Tillman’s name rhymes with Hillman, which was the fictional university on “A Different World”? How about that!
19. Seattle
T.J. Houshmandzadeh’s a very good addition, but he’s not really much different than Bobby Engram…
Houshmandzadeh the past three years:
2006 90-1,081 9 TD’s
2007 112-1,143 12 TD’s
2008 92-904 4 TD’s
AVG 98-1,042 8TD’s
Engram the past three years:
2006 24-290 1 TD
2007 94-1,147 6 TD’s
2008 47-489 0 TD’s
AVG 55-642 2 TD’s
…other than he should be able to stay healthier than Engram.
Wouldn’t that make him WILDLY FUCKING DIFFERENT from Engram? “Hey, here’s a guy who plays well every game. But he’s really not that different from this other guy, who’s much older and is often too injured to actually play. Otherwise, MIRROR IMAGES.”
28. Cincinnati
I find myself liking what the Bengals have done in the offseason, with the exception of not re-signing a sure 100-catch guy in T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
Well, they obviously should have signed Bobby Engram.
The Cutler deal had a lot to do with the relationship between him and Denver coach Josh McDaniels, but there’s no question the thing accelerated when Cutler snubbed owner Pat Bowlen, refusing to return his phone calls. I am told Bowlen said it was the most insulted he’s felt in 25 years as an NFL owner.
“I’ll show that young punk! Let’s see how he likes it when I give him what he wants by trading him and making my team worse in the process. I WIN!”
“It would be a wonderful little salt to rub in the eyes of some of our Green Bay Packer friends.”
– Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, on the prospect of the Vikings signing Brett Favre.
I wonder how many votes Pawlenty lost with that quotation. Think of it: My guess is the state of Minnesota has maybe 10 percent Packer fans. Just a guess from being there over the years for a few Viking-Packer games; it could be 15 or 20 percent. But there’s a vocal minority of Green Bay followers. Very vocal. And here’s your governor saying he’d love to sign your hero and rub it in your face.
It’s true. There’s no shrewder political move in Minnesota than to be nice to a relatively small minority of Packer fans. This is why Norm Coleman couldn’t beat that dude who used to wear a satellite dish on his head.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
The blogging, the instant-knowledging, the Tweeting … it’s all getting pretty hard to follow.
Is instant-knowledging a digital communication platform I am unaware of? I better tonguezoom Ufford to find out.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
I refuse to brag any more (after this column) about the joys of living in a city…
I swear, after this column I’m done being a haughty prick. Say, do you know I barely even need my BMW anymore? IT’S MORE LUXURY FOR ME THAN NECESSITY. If you have a rich uncle, I suggest you ask him to buy you a condo in my building.
…particularly a city near the airport.
I was going to make a joke here that all cities are near airports. But I’ve been to the Denver airport before, and that thing is in fucking Idaho.
But it’s pretty cool when you can fly into Logan International Airport, hit the tarmac at 1:50 p.m., gather luggage, walk through customs, get in a cab, and walk into your apartment at 2:35. That just happened to me.
No way! That’s amazing, given your usual waddling speed!
I think we’re going to like it here.
But only if Sibling Rivalry gets their fucking act together.
The other night, my phone rang. “Mr. King,” the voice said, “it’s Mark Sanchez.” Stop with the Mr. King business, I interrupted.
“Please, Johnny Damon. You should refer to me strictly as The Baroness.”
I think I’ve been so focused on helping Zim that I’ve short-shrifted the Dallas scout, Rich Behm, who was paralyzed in the collapse of the Cowboys’ practice bubble.
He too could use my magic healing powers!
4. I think that Jimmy Buffett thing with the Dolphins is weird. What’s his role? Playing a few songs in the parking lot? I’m amazed the Dolphins have so much trouble selling tickets and haven’t been able to build a constant-sellout fan base in south Florida. It’s weird.
It IS weird. Who knew professional sports team would have problems selling out in a sunshine-drenched metropolis full of alternative entertainment options and populated by nothing but housebound old people and Cuban gays?
They have a competitive team almost every year, and they beg to sell tickets, and they use stuff like some unclear relationship with an old pop star whose last hit was (I googled this, so apparently it’s true) “Margaritaville,” in 1977.
I’m shocked King is so hostile to Jimmy Buffett. Wouldn’t he make the perfect Buffett fan? No other musical artist caters to old, smug, well-to-do assholes quite like Jimmy.
This is the part of the column where I bring up the chick I know who fucked Jimmy Buffett once. Actually, more than once. She ended up being his New York road beef (road cheeseburger?). Small world.
5. I think I love the Brian Leonard trade for Cincinnati.
He’s like the Wes Welker of the backfield! And his name has four syllables! Don’t see that very often!
I think I don’t have much illuminating to say about Brett Favre…
No. Fucking. Shit.
Last year, I sat with him for a few hours five days before he signed with the Jets. It was a discussion about everything — playing, not playing, venom about the Packers’ decision to not allow him to come back or start or release him…
Ball gags, land, sand, breaded cod…
Happy Graduation Day, Alex Mortensen.
That’s Chris’s kid, right? What did he major in, Guesstimating? I guarantee you that kid never wrote a term paper that contained a single fucking footnote.
And a Happy Graduation Day to you, six days early, Amanda Bowers.
Good for you, Amanda! Whoever the fuck you are! Pam Whiteley has a graduation party spread waiting for you that will make your pussy squirt!
In case you didn’t know, your father is looking quite forward to the trip to Charlottesville this weekend.
But he wanted me to communicate that sentiment to you towards the end of a nationally-read football column. Most efficient way of doing it.
I doubt he’ll be playing any pickup basketball down there, though.
No? Well, that’s a shame. Tell me, what does he plan on ordering for lunch? I’m hoping for lamb!
I’m not going to give you any I-told-you-so reaction to the Manny Ramirez thing.
Perhaps because you never told us, yes?
Coffeenerdness: I’ll say this about England: It has to work on its espresso, in a big way.
Yeah, England! YOU ARE THE MARRIOTT LAGUNA CLIFFS OF SOVEREIGN STATES. Why is your coffee nothing like the pre-fabricated dogshit Starbucks serves me? I will NEVER come back here, unless you as a country decide to treat Donnie Brasco Banks to dinner.
Seriously, King. You’re in London, one of the fucking greatest cities on the planet to visit. And the only thing you can say about when you get back is that you didn’t like the coffee? GO BACK, ORDER A HAND-PULLED THEAKSTON AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Finally saw “The Wrestler.” Touching. Gripping.
Lofty.
Sorry, that was just hanging out there.
Finally saw “Gran Torino.”
And I didn’t have to be EXTORTED to see it!
And why that was not Picture of the Year, I’ll never know.
It’s quasi-impossible to comprehend.
It’s a classic I-laughed-I-cried-I-ranted movie.
You ranted during the film? Is Peter King secretly black? It would explain the hair.
How great was how he conquered the Hmong gang? How great were the Asian brother and sister?
Clint Eastwood is our Bogart.
Every time I read a British sports section, I feel like there’s an inside joke and I’m not in on it.
Must be the accent they write in.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, england, FJM style, fun with peter king, quasi-impossibilities
May 11th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Well, that sentence construction was tortured like Bob Baer in a Syrian prison.
Well played.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Maybe if England were more like New England, King would have better words for it. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
May 11th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I like PK’s hostility towards Jimmy Buffet, because Jimmy Buffet sucks. How does anyone listen to that shit?
And, I expect at least one “Happy First Communion Day, …..” in next weeks column.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
“Looking quite forward” to the trip? Guhhhhhhh. Did you pick up that annoying “quite” in England you slobbering warthog? Instant Knowledge!
Drew, God bless you and your important work. My daughter ExtraSausage loves your column.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
How can he possibly have anyone but Pittsburgh ranked #1? What a bloated anusface.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Actually.. the Denver airport is in Kansas, not Idaho.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
but it’s always quasi-impossible to repeat
Super bowl winners have repeated 8 out of a possible 42 times. so it’s about a one-in-five chance. When you consider that there have been 30+ teams in the league for most of that time, and that the NFL playoffs are a 12-team single elimination tournament amongst the elite teams of the league, 8 repeat winners out is actually a pretty fucking enormous number.
But don’t let facts interfere with your ill-formed perceptions about football, dickhead. It’s not like knowing about the NFL is your job or anything.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
If only England had included PK on their list of undesirables, that unpleasantness could have been avoided.
No comment on the Page 3 girls? Semi-impossible.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I better tonguezoom Ufford to find out.
You’d better butch that up or put on a NSFW tag.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Yeah, Miami always has a decent season. Didn’t those fuckhats go 1-15 two seasons ago?
May 11th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Every time I read a British sports section, I feel like there’s an inside joke and I’m not in on it.
Yes, it’s called “journalism”
May 11th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Amanda Bowers… daughter of the infamous Jack Bowers? If so, I’m really glad to hear he’s been mentioned in the column 5 weeks running for an injury apparently sustained playing pickup basketball.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Tonguezooming better be in this week’s mailbag
May 11th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Theakston Old Peculier. Lofty ale. Defines clutch. Well played, BDD.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I like how this bloated walrus ranks the Eagles sixth (below Chicago!) but says that he thinks they might be better than the ‘04 one that ran roughshod over everyone, went 13-1 (yes Ape, Pitt killed ‘em, we know) before they rested all their starters the last two games and went on to the Super Bowl.
If you quasi-think they’re semi-better than that team, you pseudo-retard, then shouldn’t they be at the very worst #2 in your lofty rankings?
May 11th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
im not really a huge Buffett fan, but i do know this: if King had done a little more research beyond a cursory google search, he’d realize that the guy has thousands of extremely devoted fans that will follow him virtually anywhere he tours. the guy routinely sells out large concert venues (both upcoming dates in my beloved philly are sold out and the show isn’t for another month) and the parking lots are huge parties with a unique atmosphere and culture to themselves. think phish/grateful dead, but replace hippies in tie-die t-shirts with hippies in tie-dye dressed like pirates.
so yea, hugely popular musician with a large, devoted fan-base who are willing to go to extreme lengths to see him play… that sounds like a TERRIBLE person to promote your football games with.
fuck you Peter King
May 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
With all this happy birthday and graduation bullshit, this is turning into the 9 o’clock news. IN OTHER NEWS, HELEN JACKSON TURNED 107 TODAY! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
May 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
“think phish/grateful dead, but replace hippies in tie-die t-shirts with hippies in tie-dye dressed like pirates.”
Eric Cartman would be very confused by this scene.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Finally read Drew’s column today. Touching. Gripping.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
4. Chicago
This alone proves that PK knows next to nothing about football, which is octo-impossible when you are at NBC every Sunday watching 30 screens filled with football. Osmosis alone should allow him to retain some knowledge. Unless he’s been standing closer to Costas than Collinsworth.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I am guessing King gets killed in his FF league if he thinks there is no difference between Bobby Engram and Housh. Oh wait, playing FF means you care enough about football to know what is going on.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
as mind-boggling as PK’s stupidity is, Simmons’ latest twit is a topper: ‘Update: T-Wolves now claiming only 1300 people e-mailed them about my GM campaign. Also, there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.’
Why, the JBug alone probably sent 1500, 1600 emails. Follow the money, Simmons. Follow. the. money.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
If King’s drivel annoys the fuck out of us, imagine if poor John Nash (”A Beautiful Mind”) was alive today. All of King’s unintelligible yammering makes sense once you realize that picking the Chicago Bears to finish 5th means that the secret to the H-bomb lies on 5th St in a Chicago suburb that has the most Jays in the phonebook.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Tonguezoom…brilliant, Drew. How this man works as a journalist (well, quasi-journalist) I’ll never know.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Jimmy Buffett hit on my wife once at RumJungle in Las Vegas. As he was, and is, a wizened old white douchebag and I was (I’m working on it!) and strapping black sex god, I didn’t worry about it. I did ask her, “Who’s that?” and when she told me, I said, “Who the fuck is Jimmy Buffett?” He shot me the angriest look I’ve ever gotten and I’m considering adding this story to my resume.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I’m dying to know what PK’s opinion on the new iced mocha at McDonald’s is.
Oh and maybe if his ass bought a condo in Pittsburgh that would rate the Steelers #1. Let me see, Tom Brady is questionable coming off his injury, they traded the backup that filled in admirably. That’s a huge question mark. The Steelers are fine other than losing Bryant McFadden.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
@TB, good for you for not knowing who Jimmy Buffet was. I have to believe his concert crowds are whiter than the crowds at Fenway Park.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
No other musical artist caters to old, smug, well-to-do assholes quite like Jimmy.
You forgot Springsteen.
/instigates RockFlaWa
May 11th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
If King’s drivel annoys the fuck out of us, imagine if poor John Nash (”A Beautiful Mind”) was alive today.
Imagining that isn’t that hard, seeing how Nash is still alive.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
The other night, my phone rang. “Mr. King,” the voice said, “it’s Mark Sanchez.” Stop with the Mr. King business, I interrupted.
Call me the Gimp.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Semi-impossible describes King’s ability to get an erection.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
That’s funny, because I’ve been living in Europe for the past month, and the best espresso I’ve had was in Heathrow. Maybe King just needs to get off his American high horse and learn to drink real shit.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I think the end of PK’s opening paragraph (regarding good teams having good QBs) is brilliant:
“Look at the top dozen teams. Every one has a quarterback you wouldn’t be shocked to see playing deep into the playoffs this year.”
isn’t that because they’re on one of the top dozen teams?
no other football writer would be bold enough to claim that, of the teams expected to make deep playoff runs, they should all have QBs on their roster in january.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Otto Man. Whoops. I thought you had to be dead for someone to make a glossy biopic about your battle with alcohol, dementia, drugs, and/or Mechagodzilla. I bet the next thing you’ll tell me is Erin Brockovich is still alive.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I just wanna be present to see Bowers’ party. I gotta verify the pussy squirting comment by BDD.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
“It IS weird. Who knew professional sports team would have problems selling out in a sunshine-drenched metropolis full of alternative entertainment options and populated by nothing but housebound old people and Cuban gays?”
Also, isn’t Dolphin LandShark Robbie Player Stadium like 30 miles outside of Miami? I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY THEY MIGHT HAVE A BIT OF TROUBLE SELLING TICKETS.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Color me surprised that PK is not a parrothead. That’s exactly the kind of douche crowd I’d expect him to mingle with.
And everyone in Miami is too busy chasing after Cuban ass to go to any games.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
@Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers: Ummmm, John Nash is still alive.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
“So what poorly digested thoughts will Peter be excreting out of his mouth-hole this week, baffling auto-flush units the world over?”
“Better tonguezoom Ufford…”
These two gems ended the actual eating portion of my lunch. Great Job!
May 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Slow on the trigger. Nevermind.
May 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
The other night, my phone rang. “Mr. King,” the voice said, “it’s Mark Sanchez.” Stop with the Mr. King business, I interrupted.
Notice the fine equally distributed layers of douchiness:
1. the other night, *my* phone rang. (famous people call PK all the time!)
2. wait for the name drop… wait for it… the voice said, “it’s Mark Sanchez!” ding ding ding! We would have also accepted Vladimir Putin, Meshell Ndegeocello, or Mary Kate Olsen.
3. But “Mr. King” is much to formal a name to use when speaking to a man nearly 30 years older than you. So mock him for his civility and interrupt him by all means.
/dies from anecdote coronary
May 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“Their linebackers still gum their food?”
This is actually a common misconception. NE is now significantly younger at that position (removal of Vrabel, Colvin, addition of Mayo, Guyton, Woods, reduction in Bruschi pt). Better? Who knows? But def. younger.
/flees scene
May 11th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Oh dear God. I don’t hate King (sorry) but this is just impossible to ignore:
“But either Sage Rosenfels or Favre would be better than Gus Frerotte. Eight times they scored 28 or more last year, mostly with Frerotte playing.”
Does this man possess no logic skills?
May 11th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Finally saw “The Wrestler.” Touching. Gripping.
Where’s Romo when you need him?
May 11th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Rank a Pats team riddled with question marks @ QB, RB and D #1? Check.
Say Housh and Engram are basically the same player and question Seattle’s decision to sign him. Then question Cinci’s decision to NOT sign him all within the same column? Check.
Claim the Dolphins routinely field a competetive team when they’ve missed the playoffs more than they’ve made them since Marino retired and only won 1 stinking game in 2007? Check.
I don’t know why I even continue to read this vaginal wart’s crap anymore. For someone that has “dedicated” their life to writing about football, he sure does a shitty job. He should focus more on providing his readers with facts related to football and give feweer opinions on baseball, coffee and movies.
Frankly, I’m not even sure Peter’s to blame for this anymore. Pk’s editor should be held accountable for this weekly piece of journalistic dung. He should be canned and sent off to cover lawn mower races and girls high school lacrosse for some podunk town in Delaware as penance for his bad decisions, questionable journalistic taste and overall poor management.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
“How great was how he conquered the Hmong gang?”
Is SI editing this at all?
May 11th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
“I better tonguezoom Ufford”
I need to go wash my brain
May 11th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Peter King-
You are in London complaining about the coffee? That city has some of the best tea in the world; it’s easily as strong as any coffee you’ll find. Broaden your horizons, asshole. I know the exchange rate is ridiculous, but isn’t that what your expense account is for?
May 11th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
PK’s mind is like half Larry King and half Willard Scott stuffed into a “what Jonah Hill will probably look like in 30 years” body.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Peter’s not a fan of Jimmy Buffett because Biff used to teabag him to Cheeseburger in Paradise.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I thought you had to be dead for someone to make a glossy biopic about your battle with alcohol, dementia, drugs, and/or Mechagodzilla.
Usually, but the producers just told Nash the film was a figment of his imagination and he bought it.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Imagine King’s elation if Rogers-Cromartie and Nnamdi Asomugha were on the same fucking team
May 11th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
“So what poorly digested thoughts will Peter be excreting out of his mouth-hole this week”
They’re not coming from his mouth-hole, but from his chubby paw extensions.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
“Billy Meadows of 423 Oakdale? Your father wanted me to tell you that he opened the orange juice this morning, so when you find it open, don’t throw it out. It was sealed when you bought it, it’s just that he woke up early this morning and he likes to have orange juice as well as coffee. You see, he doesn’t make instant coffee, so the orange juice tides him over while the real stuff is brewing. Lofty coffee for someone who lives a full 15 miles from the airport. I don’t know how he manages.”
May 11th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
one more thing on Jimmy Buffet… Dolphin Stadium is soon going to be called “Landshark Stadium”. Landshark Lager tastes like piss, but more importantly, is owned by…. Jimmy Buffett. still confused, Petey?
fuck you twice, Peter King.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@Juggernaut: Outstanding catch.
Wikipedia: “In 2006, Buffett launched a cooperative project with the Anheuser-Busch brewing company to produce his own beer under the Margaritaville Brewing label called Land Shark Lager. In May 2009, Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross and Jimmy Buffett announced that the home stadium of the Miami Dolphins would be renamed LandShark Stadium for the 2009 season.”
WAKE UP PETEY.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I think that Jimmy Buffett thing with the Dolphins is weird. What’s his role? Playing a few songs in the parking lot?
Now I’m confused. He seems to be aware of some sort of partnership, but doesn’t appear to understand that “his role” is “shelling out a ton of money to get his brand name on an NFL stadium.”
May 11th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
“I didn’t realize the NFL was a huge money making venture and that the NFL routinely partners up with corporate sponsors to try and make even more money.”
Sincerely,
Peter King
May 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
How great was how he conquered the Hmong gang? How great were the Asian brother and sister?
Did I see the same movie? Was there some special “good” cut of Gran Torino which was reserved only for Land Barons and people with Rich uncles?
May 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
If only the Bengals hadn’t released Bobby Engram Jr., they’d be awesome. Oh, but fuck the Seahawks for signing that guy.
May 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Is PK calling out the UK’s coffee making community an effort to get free coffee from an entire country?
May 11th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
You know, there is really no way for me to handle some of PK’s thoughts.
Jesus Christ, PK! Separate the deal for the ale, and look at this little factoid. Buffett sells out concerts at $90 plus per ticket routinely. And he lives in Coconut Grove (last I knew) as well as a place in Jamaica, a place in Long Island.
Perhaps, sir, he has a fan or two. Idiot.
And this gem popped out of his mouth on Dan Patrick: “If you are a sports fan you probably have heard of David Beckham by now.” Ummm. Wow. Maybe. Possibly.
May 11th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Also, reading King’s mindbogglingly inane passing of messages through his column to people no one knows or gives a shit about is the equivalent of watching home movies at a fucking stranger’s house. What a shameless hack. He’s like the world’s fattest carrier pigeon.
May 11th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Finally saw “The Wrestler.” Touching. Gripping.
Grappling.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Is Peter King the quasi-hands-down most unique sports writer out there? Every National Football League fan semi-knows the answer, but doesn’t realize it.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
How did I miss the “tonguezoom Ufford” reference? If that actually happens, I would like to see some pictures.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Slash, are you sure?
May 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Fuck Jimmy Buffett….click on my link to read an quasi-entertaining story of drunken debauchery.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@ ditmas av – I just took a ride on the LOL’er coaster after reading that post.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Finally saw “The Wrestler.” Touching. Gripping.
Sentence. Fragments.
Your. Editor. Sucks.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Good for you, Amanda! Whoever the fuck you are! Pam Whiteley has a graduation party spread waiting for you that will make your pussy squirt!
That also made coffee flavored water squirt out my nose when I read it.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
“Didn’t know the Jaguars, at the sight of the full moon, were equinathropes?” Coincidentally, while writing his column, PK morphs into an equine’s gluteus.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Every time I read a British sports section, I feel like there’s an inside joke and I’m not in on it.
Yes, it’s called humour you untalented fuck.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
“Every time I read a British sports section, I feel like there’s an inside joke and I’m not in on it.”
I’m pretty sure its that they call soccer football. PK was looking for Manchester as an expansion team
May 11th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
“They have a competitive team almost every year”
Does he actually watch football? 1-15 in ‘07, tied the then NFL record for most losses in a season with 15
May 11th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Look at the top dozen teams. Every one has a quarterback you wouldn’t be shocked to see playing deep into the playoffs this year.
Naturally, he’s including Cutlerfucker and his zero career playoff starts in that list.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I find it humorous that PK tries to interject international lingo into his columns by calling the Week 1 throwdown between the Titans and Steelers a “friendly” when in fact it will be anything but.
A friendly is a word used to describe an exhibition soccer match that has no meaning or relevance. If Peter wants to try his hand @ trying new words, he could’ve said that his wife is a yakkety heffer and it would’ve made more sense.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Today is the day I’ve made peace with Peter King. His column caters to the borderline retarded audience he has on SI, because anyone with half a brain would realize that they’re practically being talked down to. So, I shouldn’t really hate PK, since he’s just giving the people what they want. I should hate his audience, the retarded shmucks that keep his column going. So Peter King, you have been absolved today.
But God forbid I should see one of your fans walking around with us normal people, I will go full monkey and throw handfuls of shit at that person for giving you a job.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
“Also, isn’t Dolphin LandShark Robbie Player Stadium like 30 miles outside of Miami?”
It’s almost in Idaho.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I know a girl named Amanda Bowers
Coincidence?
May 11th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
RE Boatdrinks Says:
“Slash, are you sure?”
Yes. If such photos existed, I would make one of them my screen saver. There. Gauntlet. Thrown. Down. Get to tonguezooming, BDD.
May 11th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Tapes two couch cushions together: “I’m Idaho.”
May 11th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Say, did you know Bears corner Charles Tillman’s name rhymes with Hillman, which was the fictional university on “A Different World”? How about that!
OK, I was done reading right there. Outstanding work once again.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:25 am
There’s jack shit in Idaho. Except Mormons and the Aryan Brotherhood. Which is the same thing, I would suppose.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:43 am
Fuck you, Peter King. Fuck you in the ass! You make a God damn list predicated on quarterbacks and you have the fucking audacity to put Drew “more accurate than an Olympic archer” Brees and the New Orleans Saints at no. 24?
Not only are you a shitty writer, you bloated sack of crap, but the shit SI pays you for (your “football acumen”), you can’t even deliver on that, shit for brains!
Seriously, man, fuck you in the pants, you fat latte sipping fuck! FUCK!!!
/Impassioned fan’d
May 12th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Finally saw “The Wrestler.” Touching. Gripping.
Not going to ask what he was touching and gripping….
May 13th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Why is Peter King answering his phone when Sanchez calls? What’s he going to play to entertainment the douchebags at his next dinner party? Those answering machine messages don’t record themselves!
May 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I really thought Douchebag’s editor kicked the habit and actually reviewed his columns posted over the past 2 weeks.
Until. This. One.
Lots of laughs Drew thanks. Best comedy on the web.
This Amanda Bower thing is intriguing. My best guess is she’s hot, but with King, I suspect Amanda is really Jack in drag.
Is it physically possible to get from Logan to the shitter in his condo in Bawston that quickly? I call bs.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I’m wondering when brother Biff will drop in on “Steveie’s” new lofy digs in the city? Should make for good reading. Keep up the good work.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
That’s lofty, sorry, the shots have kicked in.