This asshole Childress. This bald Mr. Noodle motherfucker. This cumstachioed cockbin.
This was to be the Offseason of McDaniels!
I was gonna set fire to franchise and watch that fucker burn to cinders with all the world cackling right along with me. I was to set the new gold standard in head coaching sabotage. It was to be mine and mine alone. I forced out a young franchise QB because I pined for fucking Matt Cassel, tried to smooth it over, then made it clear I still wanted Cassel. Then I didn’t do shit to address the defense, which was the problem in the first place.
I EVEN DEVELOPED THE SUPERAIDS
But in one fell swoop, it’s all been taken away from me. [Rubs eyes frantically] The Offseason of McDaniels has become the Offseason of Favre just. like. that. All my tireless work…squandered. I have to admit, it was a masterstroke, Childress. Bringing in a mortal franchise enemy, one who has nothing left in the tank, to helm your frustrated franchise. Gotta hand it to ya. That impressed even me. But you’re a one-trick pony, Childress.
Indeed. All is not lost. I can get the forces on chaos back on my side. A little more handiwork is just the ticket. I…I have it in me. No one licks Crazytrain McDaniels. Oh no.
DON’T THINK I CAN’T SIGN MICHAEL VICK AND PLAXICO
AND DONTE STALLWORTH AND MAURICE CLARETT
AND FUCK IT JEFF GEORGE
OH I CAN DO IT
I’M JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO TRY
But that’s not all. You know how we gotta trot out those cunt ugly throwbacks for two games this season?
Yeah, the ones that make us look like a fucking Tecmo Bowl team. How’s about we make these babies permanent? That’ll drive our merch sales through the fucking floor. I mean, I know the Broncos already have ugly fucking jerseys, but look at these goddamn things. Mustard and brown. Think of the humiliation potential. It’s staggering.
That’s right. I didn’t even bother to swap out the Cutler jersey. In fact, I think I’ll make EVERY SINGLE PLAYER ON THE TEAM WEAR THE CUTLER JERSEY! And check out that shit-eating grin. You think you got one half that off-putting in you? I’d like to see it. You think you got that in ya? Do ya? You ain’t got shit.
Oh, you thought I was done?
We take it away naming rights for stadium away from Invesco.
No more Invesco Field at Mile High
Now: Raiders Stadium at Fuck You Denver
I can make it happen.
I just brought the noise, Brad.
Let’s see you headline every SportsCenter now.
[Stares wide-eyed at you for three minutes without speaking]
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.