Mike Holmgren Has That Itch (And This Time It’s Not Chafed Thighs)

Int. Owner’s Lounge at FedEx Field
[Mike Holmgren enters with his wife and daughter]
Jim Zorn: Attention everyone, if you’d please take a moment to welcome our guests of honor, Kathy and Calla Holmgren!
[polite applause]
Jim Zorn: And hello to you, Coach. I’m so happy you could all make it here for this send-off.
Mike Holmgren: Hey it’s my pleasure, Jim. We can’t thank you enough for arranging this get-together.
Zorn: Oh it wasn’t me, you have Mr. Snyder to thank for that. I’m not sure why, but he sure seemed eager to get you here tonight.
Holmgren: Oh really? How…odd. So where is the little fella.
Zorn: He’ll be along…shortly.
[Both men enjoy a hearty laugh]
Holmgren: So why do you think he arranged all this?
Zorn: I’m not sure, but he sure seems eager to impress. He even catered the event based on your dietary needs.
Holmgren: You mean…
Zorn: That’s right, he must really like you. That smell you’ve undoubtedly noticed is a buffet fully stocked with bait fish.
Holmgren: [Slaps fins together and barks lustily]
Zorn: That’s right, follow your nose and you’ll find the food. It’s right over there behind Les Carpenter’s head.
[Mr. Snyder enters with Vinny Cerrato on his heels]
Snyder: Is he here?
Zorn: Yes sir, Coach Holmgren just arrived. He’s over at the buffet.
Snyder: Excellent, I knew he’d take the bait. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to have a chat with our guests.
[Snyder leaves to mingle, Cerrato stays behind]
Zorn: Shouldn’t you be going with him, Vinny?
Cerrato: Don’t you see what’s going on here?
Zorn: Excuse me?
Cerrato: Haven’t you stopped to wonder why Mr. Snyder was so eager to get Holmgren in the building?
Zorn: Mutual respect?
Cerrato: No you clod, he’s clearly courting the fat man.
Zorn: Courting him for what?
Cerrato: To take our jobs. Both of them!
Zorn: Ha. I think your imagination is getting the better of you once again, Vinny. Coach Holmgren is my mentor, if he was considering a return to the NFL I think I’d be the first to know.
Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] I WANT TO COME BACK TO THE NFL.
Zorn: Okay, fine. But he’d never come after my job.
Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] THIS PLACE IS NICE, AND THE FOOD IS GOOD. ARE THEY HIRING?
Cerrato: See?
[Snyder and Holmgren adjourn to the owner's private office]
Zorn: Fuck me.
Jason Campbell: Sucks to be you, bro.
Tags: Jim Zorn, Mike Holmgren, Unsilent Majority, Washington Redskins







May 12th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Holmgren: [Slaps fins together and barks lustily]
Classic.
May 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
It’s a match made in hog-heaven.
May 12th, 2009 at 10:46 am
It’d suck to be Campbell too. No way Holmgren would keep around a QB that can’t think quick on his feet.
OR SLIDE. WHY CAN’T YOU SLIDE, CAMPBELL?
May 12th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Little do they know Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren switched places in the off season. JOKES ON YOU SUCKAS.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I need to invest in bucket futures.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Sooooo, the Redskins are getting Brett Favre?
May 12th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@Slothrop
Great use of the bucket reference!
May 12th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
See how they smile like pigs in a sty.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Mike Holmgren. Andy Reid. Wade Phillips. Jesus H. Christ, the NFC East is looking like a before picture on the wall at Jenny Craig. Coughlin needs to put on a little (OK, a lot) of weight to keep up with these tubby fuckers at the buffet table.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
“Excellent, I knew he’d take the bait.”
Fucking awesome!
May 12th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Why would the Redskins try and hire Holmgren when Zorn had a decent first season?
WHY? HUH? WHAT? F–K YOU!!
Snyder the Laserfaced
May 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Jason Campbell: Sucks to be you, bro.
Not when Coolt McCoooy is waiting in the wings! Right COOCH HOOOLMGREN?
May 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Does anyone else read Zorn’s lines in the voice of Tobias Fünke?
May 12th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Mr. jackin’ 4 beats,
You mean Coooooolt Brennan, right?
//fixed
//unless that means you were going for a joke that means my team will suck so much this year that we will get a Top 5 draft pick and then waste it on Cooooolt McCoy. In that case, well played, sir.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Is there a face under all that blubber?
May 13th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Poot Nookers