Int. Owner’s Lounge at FedEx Field
[Mike Holmgren enters with his wife and daughter]
Jim Zorn: Attention everyone, if you’d please take a moment to welcome our guests of honor, Kathy and Calla Holmgren!
[polite applause]
Jim Zorn: And hello to you, Coach. I’m so happy you could all make it here for this send-off.
Mike Holmgren: Hey it’s my pleasure, Jim. We can’t thank you enough for arranging this get-together.
Zorn: Oh it wasn’t me, you have Mr. Snyder to thank for that. I’m not sure why, but he sure seemed eager to get you here tonight.
Holmgren: Oh really? How…odd. So where is the little fella.
Zorn: He’ll be along…shortly.
[Both men enjoy a hearty laugh]
Holmgren: So why do you think he arranged all this?
Zorn: I’m not sure, but he sure seems eager to impress. He even catered the event based on your dietary needs.
Holmgren: You mean…
Zorn: That’s right, he must really like you. That smell you’ve undoubtedly noticed is a buffet fully stocked with bait fish.
Holmgren: [Slaps fins together and barks lustily]
Zorn: That’s right, follow your nose and you’ll find the food. It’s right over there behind Les Carpenter’s head.
[Mr. Snyder enters with Vinny Cerrato on his heels]
Snyder: Is he here?
Zorn: Yes sir, Coach Holmgren just arrived. He’s over at the buffet.
Snyder: Excellent, I knew he’d take the bait. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to have a chat with our guests.
[Snyder leaves to mingle, Cerrato stays behind]
Zorn: Shouldn’t you be going with him, Vinny?
Cerrato: Don’t you see what’s going on here?
Zorn: Excuse me?
Cerrato: Haven’t you stopped to wonder why Mr. Snyder was so eager to get Holmgren in the building?
Zorn: Mutual respect?
Cerrato: No you clod, he’s clearly courting the fat man.
Zorn: Courting him for what?
Cerrato: To take our jobs. Both of them!
Zorn: Ha. I think your imagination is getting the better of you once again, Vinny. Coach Holmgren is my mentor, if he was considering a return to the NFL I think I’d be the first to know.
Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] I WANT TO COME BACK TO THE NFL.
Zorn: Okay, fine. But he’d never come after my job.
Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] THIS PLACE IS NICE, AND THE FOOD IS GOOD. ARE THEY HIRING?
Cerrato: See?
[Snyder and Holmgren adjourn to the owner's private office]
Zorn: Fuck me.
Jason Campbell: Sucks to be you, bro.
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Poot Nookers
Is there a face under all that blubber?
Mr. jackin’ 4 beats,
You mean Coooooolt Brennan, right?
//fixed
//unless that means you were going for a joke that means my team will suck so much this year that we will get a Top 5 draft pick and then waste it on Cooooolt McCoy. In that case, well played, sir.
Does anyone else read Zorn’s lines in the voice of Tobias Fünke?
Jason Campbell: Sucks to be you, bro.
Not when Coolt McCoooy is waiting in the wings! Right COOCH HOOOLMGREN?
Why would the Redskins try and hire Holmgren when Zorn had a decent first season?
WHY? HUH? WHAT? F–K YOU!!
Snyder the Laserfaced
“Excellent, I knew he’d take the bait.”
Fucking awesome!
Mike Holmgren. Andy Reid. Wade Phillips. Jesus H. Christ, the NFC East is looking like a before picture on the wall at Jenny Craig. Coughlin needs to put on a little (OK, a lot) of weight to keep up with these tubby fuckers at the buffet table.
See how they smile like pigs in a sty.
@Slothrop
Great use of the bucket reference!
Sooooo, the Redskins are getting Brett Favre?
I need to invest in bucket futures.
Little do they know Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren switched places in the off season. JOKES ON YOU SUCKAS.
It’d suck to be Campbell too. No way Holmgren would keep around a QB that can’t think quick on his feet.
OR SLIDE. WHY CAN’T YOU SLIDE, CAMPBELL?
It’s a match made in hog-heaven.
Holmgren: [Slaps fins together and barks lustily]
Classic.