sundress
Somehow works better on her

Time again for weekly sexbag exhortations to the weak, wearied and wasted. In this installment, a man attempts to navigate his wife’s Byzantine cheating allowances, another fellow is hindered by hook ups, and still another contemplates a serious relationship with an exotic dancer, all the while threesomes upend anal for our reader request fixation de jure. We Americans are so staid. Here we are worked up by threesomes and the Japanese are having nipple tug of war (NSFW) at the beach.

Sirs,

Football first. What round would you draft the Vikings DST in fantasy. I figure with the addition of Percy Harvin and with the number of turnovers, sacks and defensive touchdowns they already receive, would you go as high as the 2nd round?

The Vikes D is one of the better ones for fantasy, but if you draft any team defense in the second round you deserve to be spanked by a board with a nail in it.

Sex: Took my nephew to Vegas a couple of weeks ago. He just came back from two tours and thirty months in Iraq. He deserved it. So on a weekday afternoon we leave the casino, drunk, around a little after noon. We walked north on the Strip and came to a gentleman’s club. We go inside. There is only myself and my nephew and about seven of the working girls. We get attacked the second we walk in. My nephew heads to the VIP room and I retire to a “private area.” I have been in a lot of these establishments. My first trip to the strip clubs was in 1980. Seriously.

The lady I met was around 40 or so and in fantastic shape. Blonde and firm. I get several dances and it was during the second dance while I was checking the firmament of her boobage that I noticed an anomaly. Her left breast was firm and most assuredly an implant but her right breast was, well… I think she had a mastectomy. There were underpinnings and metal work and serious superstructure adjustments along with a large fake breast over the whole works. I was very shaken. It was a strange moment.

We talked afterward. Business was slow and we really talked. Before you get skeptical, I have been in many strip clubs and I am well acquainted with the client/dancer banter. This girl was actually bright, funny and listened. I found myself being smitten. We exchanged numbers.

I kind of want to go back to visit. I live in L.A so I’m not too far. I really admire her. She was very sincere.
Thoughts?

DREW: And old stripper with half a rack? What’s not to love?

UFFORD: Hey, he’s no spring chicken himself. I say give her a call and see how it goes. It sounds like a really good but depressing movie script.

true_romance_300x298

I should know! I was in it!

Dear persons of specious counsel,

The football question (this shit does come first): We’re on our way into year #4 of the Reggie Bush Experiment (and by “we,” I mean Saints nation as a whole), and while most Saints fans and all Reggie stans treat his rushing production with kid gloves, pretty much everyone else with so much as a casual interest in football is still waiting on 2005 Reggie Bush (or at least the 2004 version) to show up and do something in the rushing game on a consistent basis. Is this the year where the light comes on and doesn’t flicker, or would the team be well-served to let Pierre Thomas (who actually averages more yards per rush AND reception) get the lion’s share of the plays from scrimmage?

Could this be the year Reggie Bush finally cracks a whooping 160 carries in a season? I know it’s one of the great season dramas I’m anticipating. Your instincts serve you well. Thomas is a much better option as an everydown back.

The sex question: There’s a girl I’m semi-sorta-kinda-but-not-really seeing. Not the hottest I’ve ever had, but she’ll certainly do (I can definitely take her out in public without shame) and she’s wild in the bed. During sex one night, she suggested I wear a sundress the next time we get it on, because she’s always had this fantasy of pulling up a skirt and riding. Says no other guy has obliged her on it and that it’d go “a long way” in how we proceed. I’m not sure just how far I wanna go with her, not because of this fantasy but because of what would be the resulting after-shock if she enjoys it TOO much. I’m 25 and nowhere near ready to settle down. In the words of Meatwad, “Do what now?”

Blackenedgold

I prefer the words of Meatwad (and THE BEN), “PEW PEW PEW PEW”


I think in terms of wild, possibly emasculating shit a girl might ask you to do in the bedroom, wearing a sundress leans toward the conservative side. My ruling is that it’s slightly odd, but acceptable. It’s not like she’s asking to peg you. Do it, but with the stipulation that that’s the extent of the crossdressing you’re willing to do. And make sure you get a promise from her that she must agree to some act you want to do.

/winks at sizable anal-loving contingent in KSK readership

Dear funny football blog,

Sex first. I’m a 21 year old college kid and I’ve had what I consider a decent sex life. I’ve had sex with four girls in the past. The thing is, they were all my girlfriend or at least a girl I had been hooking up with for a while. I seem to be physically unable to have a one night stand. The opportunity has risen on more than one occasion, but for some reason I can’t seem to get turned on enough at the moment to do the deed. This might have something to do with the fact that I’m usually drunk as hell at this point, but I think it might be some sort of mental block. I’ve had no problem fucking girlfriends or hookups in the past, but this just never works for me. This shits embarrassing especially if it’s a girl I think is cool. My question is, what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I gay and haven’t realized it? Is this a common problem? Should I just tell these girls from now on that I don’t do one night stands?

You might have answered your own question with the mention of being really drunk. Or you might be dealing with performance anxiety, because with the one night stand your sex game has to be tight and, unlike with girlfriends, you can’t fall back on whatever Dr. Mindbender techniques you used to convince her that you are a person worthy of continued socializing with. If you’ve fucked four times by 21 without ever having a one nighter, then you seem to be adjusted enough that getting a relationship isn’t a problem for you, but I’d recommend getting over whatever issues you have with one night stands (sorry, don’t have a magic bullet here to solve that). Relying solely on relationships for sex for a college guy is making too much work for yourself in something readily available.

Football: Do you think Hakeem Nicks was a good 1st round pickup for the Giants?

It make sense, though when one considers the expectations placed on his shoulders by the team, it could look disappointing to fans after this season. The Giants seem to presume that a rookie is going to replace Plaxico’s production and presence in the offense, because without those things, their offense is very pedestrian. Which is fucking stupid. Because, with very few exceptions, receivers suck as rookies. Take, uh, Plaxico, WHO SPIKED THE BALL BEFORE BEING TACKLED IN ONE GAME! GOD I WISH IT WAS I WHO FIRED THAT BULLET INTO YOUR LEG

Hello,

My Name is Istvan, and I live in the eastern of Europe. I am married to a American girl, and she has gotten me to love the American football. We are big fans of the packers of Green bay. I liked Brett Favre when he was there, but he left and played for new york I jumped up and yelled “Make fuck him!” Everyone laughed, It was a good day. I also like the Raiders, since they are owned by one of my countrymen. Are these teams good?

I cannot often tell when she is complete. She makes very little sound and does not squirt, so I feel like I am not doing my job as her man. Is there a good way to tell when a woman is having the orgasm?

I need your helping.
-Istvan (The Man)

Very obviously a fake letter, but an amusing one nonetheless. Is best fake letter been received since letter that give photograph of hram.

Gentlemen,

Football first. Keeper league, I can keep two of the three, but only for the next two seasons: Dwayne Bowe, Terrell Owens and Brandon Marshall. With QB changes for all, How much does Bowe go up? How much do T.O. and Marshall drop?

Because it’s two years, you gotta go with Bowe and Marshall. Bowe should be very productive with Cassel and I don’t foresee Marshall slipping all that far, even with the Neckbeard. T.O. might have comparable numbers in ’09 to last year (though a dropoff is likely), but I have a hunch you’ll want no part of him in 2010, assuming he’s even in the league.

Sex: When my girlfriend goes on the rag, when is it acceptable to start up with the sex again? When it’s merely a trickle? The second day, provided we do it on a red towel? Or even earlier, which is oddly thrilling in that it looks like my penis killed something?

Sounds like it’s not a problem for you as is, and right after the period you’re less likely to knock her up.

Dear Masters of their Domain,

As it should be, football first. With Brady healthy looking to reclaim the championship, he’ll have to go through the defending champion (shudders) Steelers. If the Steelers somehow manage to repeat, can they be considered the team of the decade? I know 3 in 5 > 3 in 6, and the Patriots had 18-1, but does that 1 hurt them in terms in history? If they are not considered on equal footing to the Patriots, should we just consider them the Spurs of the NFL, and always competitive team that never manges to be deemed a “dynasty”?

I believe the Steelers had a nice little dynasty in the ’70s. Four titles in six years and all that. Ahem. Possiblythegreatestofthemodernera.

As for the question, Scout.com recently addressed this and I can’t argue with their conclusion: even if the Steelers repeat, team of the decade status still goes to the Pats. After all, New England has a 7.5 game edge in overall wins and there is the matter of them beating the Steelers twice in AFCC games and going to a fourth SB on top of the three titles. So it’s sort of like the late-’90s Broncos to the ’90s Cowboys.

/pukes

To Sex. I’m engaged to be married, but the wedding isn’t planed until after I graduate from college in a few years. Before I popped the question we had an open relationship where we could have fun with whoever we want, but by the end of the day we would always come back to each other. Now that things have become more serious, she gets completely freaked when I just hang out with other girls. She keeps telling me that I can do what i want with who i want, but its obvious that she’s gonna be hurt. I absolutely love her, and the sex is freaking amazing. It’s just these are the years of my life to mess around. Is it worth upsetting the fiance to have fun and then try to make it up to her, or should i just settle down now and begin the life of a married man at 19 years old?

-Nephew of Tommy from Quincy (not facking lying bout this)

WHO MEAN WOMEN BECOME MORE POSSESSIVE AS YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROGRESSES!? If you thought nothing was going to change when you asked to marry the girl you had an open relationship with, well, YOU’RE FACKIN RETAHDED!

Dear Mr. Miyagi’s of the Vaginal Arts,

Getting married in September, and having a bachelor Vegas weekend at the end of June. I’d been straight up badgering my fiance for many years about a threesome. She once promised one as a bday gift, and then took it away. I was never the same after that. Well, she finally admitted to me about 6 months ago that the thought of other women does not agree with her, and that it will never happen. Dreams crushed. Hopes down the drain. Then, she tells me that I have a one weekend pass in Vegas FOR THREESOMES ONLY. Her incredible rule is that I am allowed two at the same time, but 1 on 1 is forbidden. Some caveats include that I can’t tell her if it happens, and definitely can’t fork over details, blah blah blah. Problem is, I’m not the worlds most attractive man, and frankly, I’ve seen cathouse, I don’t have that kind of money to spend on an overweight freakshow with severe daddy issues (also im a compulsive gambler and I might try to double my money before having a foursome). I’m thinking I might be better off just approaching two girls and explaining the situation after 10-15 shots of liquid courage. What’s my best approach? What are the odds it actually happens?

You’re an ugly dude with limited funds, placing your opening odds at FUCKNO: 1. Your best chance is not letting your friends know of this threesome proviso your wife has dropped in and go about securing an individual lay. But then you’ll be betraying your wife’s trust, y’know, like she did when she welched on her threesome promise.

As for football, my honeymoon is supposed to start on opening weekend for the NFL. I was so concerned about avoiding it for the wedding, I forgot about the HM. Yes, this was severe lapse in judgment on my part. Is there anyway to combine copious “this is the best its ever going to be” sex, while STILL making sure I get first weekly injection of pigskin?

-D-

You’re pretty much boned, unless you want to sneak out Homer Simpson-style to catch General Sherman. Even the most rockribbed of obsessive football fans would have a hard time blowing off the honeymoon for the NFL (albeit Week 1 after a long dreadful offseason is like a honeymoon unto itself). Also, you haven’t converted the fiancee into at least someone with a passing interest in the game? Weak. Just DVR a bunch of games and watch them when you can. If you get tipped off to a couple of scores, that sucks, but there’s still a full season ahead to enjoy.

Strap in (or strap on, whichever), this is a long one. I really screwed the pooch on this one and I need the advice of the KSK gods to help me out…

Six years ago I got married (no this wasn’t the problem, wait for it) to a raging nymphomanic. I’m talking nearly six years of six times a week, more than once a day on weekends. No holes barred, and loves a good face painting as well as swallowing. Not only that, but she’s also a raging bi-sexual and loves to pick up women and bring them home for me. I’m talking threesomes every month or so, and even a couple of orgies.

You haven’t even gotten to your question and my answer is already kill yourself.

She loves porn, dirty talk, being tied up, spanked hard, in short, the perfect wife right? So then I went and slipped one past the goalie 18 months ago (we were actually trying). But, it actually worked out alright. We went on having wild monkey sex (but no additional partners) for 8 months, and I got put in the penalty box for about 3 months (last month of the pregnancy and first two months or so after), then her sex drive kicked back in and we were off to the races again right? Nope, I had to go and knock her up again about six months after the first one was born. But again, things were great right up to about three weeks before my son was born, and I knew what to expect right? Two or so months of self-flagellation, then it was time to get it on again, right? WRONG. It’s been almost four months, and nothing… nada, zip. Not even a pity handjob. She claims she just has no interest whatsoever.

I’m not a complete ass (I hope), I know that having two kids 15 months apart is draining. Heck, I’m tired all the time too, but wouldn’t mind a five minute fun ride before collapsing. I’ve tried all the things that used to start her engine and nothing. Is there any hope for the bi-nympho-slut coming back to me, or am I in the married for life/sexless for life prison?

I’d like to think it’s karmic payback for your years of wild-nympho-threesome-with-trapeze-artists-sex, or it could be that she needs a little more time. Give it another month or two then threaten to sell the kids into slavery if the sexy time doesn’t return.

Football: If Brett Favre takes a dump in the back 40, does Peter King know how many kernels of corn are in it?

Yes, because he eats them.

And now I defer the floor to Ufford, who was so exercised by the following letter, he called dibs on destroying it.

BDD,

UFFORD: Sorry, Drew’s making a bread sandwich. You get one of the rest of us.

Sex: Here’s a brief recap. So on Friday night, my friend texted me at 4 PMish saying he needed a place to stay for the night (without any prior indication). I accepted, and I also had to go out of my way to travel to where he was getting dropped off. I met up with him and we decided to go to some bars near where he got dropped off. Over the course of the night, I got pretty frisky with some girl and ended up going back to her place. This particular action meant my buddy could not stay at my place, but I thought that since his friend was also with us, he could stay at his place.

UFFORD: Why couldn’t he stay at your place? Is he incapable of receiving your keys from you and finding your apartment on his own? Does your building require a retinal scan of a resident for entry?

Here’s where things get a little dicey. My friend was forced to take a $150 cab back to his parent’s house at 5 AM so that he could have somewhere to sleep (his friend claimed to have no room, so he couldn’t stay there).

UFFORD: Maybe that’s why he asked you for a place to stay, jackass.

Furthermore, I did not get further than 2nd base with this girl. Do I owe my friend any sort of recompense?

UFFORD: You can start with an apology, Mr. Stand-Up Double.

Let me give some context.

UFFORD: Don’t bother.

Two years ago, my other buddy and I drove down to DC for July 4th to hang out and stay with this guy…he got too drunk and ended up in the hospital and we had to drive home the night of the 4th (quite drunk I must add) because he was such an idiot.

UFFORD: Oh man, YOU TOTALLY GOT HIM BACK! (You should have taken a cab back from the hospital. Probably would have been less than $150.)

And lastly…if I eventually go all the way with this girl, does that make things okay? Please impart your pseudo-knowledge upon me.

UFFORD: Maybe if you marry this girl, it will make this a good story. Until then, I’d focus on being a less shitty friend.

Football: I sincerely doubt you’re privy to any more football knowledge than I am and I think your opinion is just as valid as mine, so I don’t have any questions for you. That said…watch out for the K-BRITT and Cocktail Collins combo! (Mulatto Hypnotic?)

Graciously,
Non-Emo Titans Fan / Peter King hater

cantfap

KSK,

Football:

I know the draft is a year away, but, as it is May and I don’t want to think about where Michael Vick will end up or when Brett Favre will sign with the Vikings, a draft question is the only football-related question I have.

Since the Seahawks will most likely end up with a top ten pick delivered by Denver’s (hopefully) Lion-esque play, what are the prospects of picking up a quarterback? I know they have other needs to fulfill, but it seems like a perfect, low-risk opportunity to pick up a franchise guy.

You’ll probably need the top pick to get Sam Bradford and Denver won’t be that bad this year, though never doubt the team imploding prowess of McDaniels. Jevan Snead should be around until the mid-to-late first.

Sex:

My friend was recently diagnosed with a mild case of Bell’s Palsy. It has stricken the lower half of his face and is quite visible; however, he’s noticed that it is starting to turn to normal. In addition, the quarter is about to finish and time is of the essence. How can he best use his Bell’s Palsy to get laid? Better yet, how can I best use his Bell’s Palsy to get laid?

Really, I just care about how I can use it. He’s going to be fine.

Regards,

A fan of mild and temporary facial paralysis of friends

DREW: Ape will murder you now

Drew is referencing the fact that I got Bell’s Palsy on the left side of my face when I was 13. I had to get a spinal tap because the doctors thought I had Lyme Disease (I didn’t) and then I had to get electroshock therapy on my face for four months before it got better. The key part of your question is “he’s going to be fine”. When using a condition to get laid, it usually has to be something very serious or even terminal (albeit not contractible through sex, of course), not a facial deformity that causes little discomfort other than embarrassment in social situations (it happened to me the year after Batman Forever came out, so Two Face jokes were frequent). So find a buddy with cancer. Or get it yourself. CANCER! OF THE HEAD!

bells
Neither sexy nor sympathetic

Scholars of Semenology,

I love football but since I’m not a total loser, sex always comes first.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for eight. Even after these years together I still think she’s a hot piece of ass and I love to give her the pork sword whenever the opportunity presents itself.

However, with three kids and both of us working like dogs, those sexy time opps are few and far between. This results in having sex at most twice a week. Being the horn dog that I am, twice a week isn’t nearly enough so I jerk off frequently – in the shower, in the bathroom while pretending to take a dump, late night in the basement to a scene from GTA – whenever the mood strikes. This keeps me sane and most sex related arguments to a minimum.

Here’s the rub – with the concern of not being caught high on my list of priorities coupled with my haste to impregnate an old sock, the twice a week I get to insert my member into a beautiful woman doesn’t last as long as it used to. I long (and I’m sure she does too) for the day when I could hollow her out like a Halloween pumpkin.

Which brings me coming to you guys for advice. Since being a successful blogger probably translates into beating off a lot, is jerking off quickly eroding my stamina in the sack? If so, how do I go about finding the mojo and giving my wife the railing she deserves? Don’t suggest a condom – while that would probably help, I’m snipped so she would probably think I’m banging my secretary.

Yes, waterboarding your dick can affect your bedroom stamina. I realize with three kids and a wife, your window of free time for menage-a-moi is probably very limited, but you need to try to find a way to do it without ravaging your dick in six seconds flat.

Football – rank the Eagles personnel in terms of fantasy relevance for the 2009/10 season.

Peace and love,

Short Fuse

Rank how all their key contributors fit in the hierarchy of their respective positions in fantasy? Fuck you, Iggles fan, that’s a lot of goddamn work for something I don’t see having application to actual fantasy play, unless you’re trying to be annoying and get as many homer draft picks as possible.