For this weeks’ commenter draft we’re delving back into the world of film. Your job is to draft bad scenes that you would excise from otherwise awesome movies. We’ll start things off for you with Drew’s suggested pick, Butch and Fabienne’s bedroom scene from Pulp Fiction.
God damn, I hate you, Fabienne.
Make your own selections (one at a fucking time) in the comment section, and remember to wait 10 picks before selecting again. Once a movie has been selected all other scenes from that movie are off the board. And remember, we’re eliminating scenes from good movies. So don’t go picking some random crappy scene from Overboard. Are you still reading? Of course you’re not, because you’re a fucking jackass who is just going to ignore these guidelines anyway. Oh, and your sister is a whore.
Note you’ll surely ignore: Endings are off limits.
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I’m a little late to this party… but props to whoever said when two socks gets shot in dances with wolves. I was like 10 when that movie came out and was pretty bored through most of it, except for when the wolf came on. Then they had to go kill him and make me cry. Kill as many Indians as you want, but what the hell did the wolf do to you?
In fact, I would nominate any movie where a dog dies… Turner & Hooch comes to mind. I went to that with my uncle when I was like 8. It was supposed to be this comedy and than the dog gets shot and killed in the end. What the shit is that? And I hate the easy ending of just getting a new dog… that’s not how mourning works, hollywood crotchstains.
Ben – I get most of your points (although you do present yourself in a douchey “I am above all of you” sort of way), but your take on Ferris Bueller is beyond bizarre.
hardly a great movie, but the scene in spiderman 3 where the venom (or whatever it was) turns peter parker into a douche with an emo haircut was unbearable
I don’t know where to begin with how disappointed I am with these comments.
“The Last Samurai” could have been one of my favorites from that year. But, Tom Cruise had to go and live through the howitzers mowing everyone down except the white guy. If you have Cruise die, it makes it great. But, that squinty fuck had to go and live to offer himself to the emperor.
The scene in “Psycho” where the psychiatrist goes on a five minute rant about Schizophrenia. Should have cut to Anthony Perkins in his straight jacket after the first few sentences and ended the movie.
castaway again: it would have been a much better (not feel good), if he had a put a bullet in his head because he couldn’t cope with civilization anymore. after he went to all the trouble to survive… it would make a feelbad movie but it would have been ballsy and awesome
The Wizard of Oz.
Fuck them flying monkeys, man.
Fuck them.
/Dream invading monkeys, man.
Fuck them!
@Clayton: You are 100% fucking right. Testify!!
The scene in Miracle at St. Anna where the Nazis (yes, the very nazi’s who later mow down a crowd of women and children in front of a church) have a discussion about how they must adhere to the Geneva Convention, until the nazi officer determines that they don’t need to since the Italian loyalists are “terrorists”. C’mon Spike, you can hide your silly-ass political commentary better than that! Why not just have one of the nazis refer to W. by name and proclaim “He is exactly like us!”. What a fucking joke. (The ending of that movie was atrocious as well, but the rules say I can’t change it).
Staying in the Hollywood agenda vein, I’ll take the torture scene in Body of Lies when the head terrorist declares “Welcome to Guantanamo” before proceeding to smash and cut off DiCaprio’s fingers. Oh my God, it all makes sense now, they live in constant fear of our horrible “torture” practices and they’re looking for revenge! What else could be motivating them (especially since the movie Traitor explained to us that they practice the religion of peace)?
Last but not least (though I haven’t seen it yet-and it’s not really a scene, but a character identification), I’d like to change the assassin in Angels & Demons into a Muslim (as he is in the book) rather than a Dane… WTF, Ron? You have no qualms with the fictional account of Christianity being completely at odds with science (and a priest murdering people to suppress science), but you just couldn’t stomach a muslim bad guy?
@Audiosuede: Maybe you should try reading a fucking book before offering your insight on the “classic nature” of its author. In the book, Anton Chigurh speaks to many of his victims (at greater length than in the movie) about the randomness of violence and death (hence the fateful coin tosses, and “I got here the same way the coin did”). Then he randomly gets into a car accident and survives… tying into the basic narrative of the book that the violence in American culture (while it has always been violent) continues to get worse and worse with each generation. If I was to change one thing about the movie, it would be the dialogue switcheroo in the 2nd to last scene when Ed Tom questioned his faith (in the book it was Ellis who did so). In the book, there are several entire chapters that consist of nothing more than monologues from the sheriff, and in many of them he talks at length about his faith and values (including a revealing anecdote wherein he ties abortion and euthenasia in as examples of our culture of violence and death). To me, this seemingly slight dialogue shift clouds the meaning of the dream that he describes in the closing scene. While I (and many I’ve spoken to that read the book) believe the dream was emblematic of his regret that- like his father before him- he was helpless to stop the downward spiral of our society, but with no mention of his faith throughout the film (until the aforementioned lamenting of a lack of God in his life) it is easy to interpret the dream as him “realizing” that there is no heaven.
/end of book report.
The Godfather – The fight outside on the street that Sonny (James Caan) and Carlo get into. It´s completely fake and you hear Sonny land a punch when his fist is like 3 feet away from Carlo´s face. It takes me out of the movie every time I see it and is the only weak scene in an otherwise classic film.
3 Weddings And A Funeral – Okay, I wouldn´t remove the whole scene because it´s necessary for the outcome of the film, but I would so love to remove the line spoken by the otherwise lovely Andie McDowell, “It´s raining? I hadn´t noticed.” God, that line is so bad and so badly delivered just at such a critical time that I want to punch the director in the face for leaving it in what is otherwise one of the best romantic comedies of all time.
The scene in Fargo with Frannie visiting Mike Yamakita does have a purpose…during that scene, the guy breaks down crying after claiming that his wife died of leukemia. A few minutes later, she receives a phone call from an old friend who informs her that Mike Yamakita is actually a deeply disturbed person who was never married, and that the woman he claimed her married is actually alive and well. It’s at that point that Frannie realizes that seemingly good people are capable of lying, and this leads her to visit Jerry Lungergaard’s dealership a second time to press him about the whereabouts of the missing burnt umber Ciera.
I think?
Ben, thank you for setting these shitstains straight.
Removing the greatest scene in a masterpiece like Godfather II = FAIL.
@Michael
Agree completely on Transformers. Rodimus Prime was gay as hell. That movie was still sick though, especially with Orson Wells in it.
I’d take out two scenes from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: one that annoys me, and one that traumatized me as a youth.
First to go is Charlie’s Mom (I think?) singing as Charlie walked home… where the fuck did that even come from?
Second, of course, is the ferry scene with chickens getting killed and other weird shit. I get it. Willy Wonka is fucked up in the head. I didn’t need to be worrying about him murdering the children… even though they ended up nearly dying anyway.
@Ben
You are right – I wasn’t clear. He didn’t go back for her. But, if he didn’t convince her to take off with him, she isn’t sitting there in the car, Pacino doesn’t see her and DeNiro slips away. I just felt like the movie would have been far better served by DeNiro being faithful to his code and cutting off all emotional attachments with her and getting away, while everyone else dealt with the emotional fallout of all the shit that went down.
@NothingClever Great pick going with Top Gun, that was the first scene I thought of when I saw this draft.
@ Tim: The worst scene in Heat is when De Niro asks Idi where she’s from and she goes “My family is…scotch irish…they immigrated to Appalachia in the late…1800s.”
@ Ben I never skip the buried alive scene in Kill Bill, I just said it fucks me up.
/deeeek jhoke
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp: But I weep every time the ewoks attack, they’re just so…so goddam brave.
@Grimey – That’s possibly the crux of the entire film! It’s the classic nature of Cormac McCarthy: He creates this unstoppable character, who maims and murders without care or reason, goes on a bloody rampage, and then he gets into an accident and breaks his arm. In the book (which I haven’t read), all it would have said was “It hurt.” It’s injecting humanity into the character, not to make him good, but to show that he isn’t indestructable, which lends gravity to the character.
I second the removal of the Asian guy scene from Fargo, but I kinda hated that movie, so my opinion on the matter is less valid.
Okay, we could probably also do away with the scene in Juno involving Rainn Wilson. Or at least fix it up. By that point in the movie, I was so nervous that I’d stepped into another Napolean Dynamite I almost left. Thank god the rest of the movie was as great as it was to make up for it.
@Tim Tebow’s Girlfriend’s Tits: Ah, okay. But if you’re going to push it farther up in the movie, DeNiro still didn’t just “go back for the girl,” he went back because he thought his exit had been burned – so he kills Fichtner and gets new IDs, etc. from Jon Voigt. The girl going with him to New Zealand was an added bonus, but if he had stuck with his original exit strategy, he never would’ve gotten to the point where he was driving with the girl, totally free. But he had to go back to get revenge. He couldn’t let Waingro win. No loose ends.
@Kim Hong: Film class is for guys who wear eyeliner. I don’t know who Kenneth Turan is.
@Michael,
Tremendous analysis on the Transformers movie. I still remember how stunned I was as a 4 year old when Optimus Prime died, especially since Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime kind of sucked.
Needs more Bumblebee!
/Spock was the bomb as Megatron/Galvatron
@Ben: You are a fucking massive pussy. I’m glad you took a film class in college. Go tongue Kenneth Turan’s scrotum, you douche.
In the original Transformers: The Movie, the animated one, the early scene where Megatron, Starscream and the Constructicons ambush the Autobot ship and kill Brawn, Ironhide, Ratchet, and Prowl. I still get sad thinking about to this day. Plus, I don’t think Megs even killed all of ‘em. A couple of wimpy Constructicons with their gay little laser guns killed two of the Autobots. They didn’t even merge into Devastator or anything, just killed Prowl and Ratchet all by themselves. Plus later in the movie you see Wheeljack and Windcharger and Optimus die. You know how many Decepticons you see die in that fucking movie? One. It’s Starscream, and he’s killed by Megatron/Galvatron so that doesn’t even count.
That was my pick where I followed the rules. Now my three picks where I break the rules:
1) The Fifth Element: Any scene with Chris Tucker. God was his character annoying.
2) Kill Bill II: It was bullshit that Elle Driver killed Budd. Beatrix Kiddo was supposed to have her revenge by killing everyone herself, not have the bad guys pick off each other. She was denied! NO ONE DENIES THIS.
3) Top Gun: The “Love” Scene between Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. Totally ruined what was otherwise the iconic gay movie of the 80s.
The scene in Rocky where Paulie comes home drunk and starts breaking shit with the baseball bat. Awkward scene that tries to have a moment, but just comes off as weird.
The scene in The Shining where the wife is trying to escape the house, and she looks in a room and sees some fat guy in a teddy bear suit about to give some guy head… I went from “scared out of my mind” to “thats just fucking weird”
Ricky would be like Reggie Bush……..and Doughboy coulda been like Lendale.
Ricky would be like Reggie Bush……..and Doughboy coulda been like Lendale.
In Transformers: Revenge when Megan Fox was writing on a cardboard poster with a marker jammed in her snatch……..The spelling was pretty good (considering), but it had nothing to do with the plot and needs to be only included in the deleted scenes of the DVD released in time for Christmas.
If Ricky from “Boyz N the Hood” had lived, which USC RB would he be like?
A) O.J. Simpson
B) Marcus Allen
C) Reggie Bush
D) LenDale White
E) Frank Gifford
/have to work late on a fucking Friday
@Gino,
I agree with the Boyz N the Hood commentary. However, if I had to shoot that scene over again, I probably would have made fixed it so that when Ricky & Ice Cube’s mom opened the letter with the SAT scores, Ricky would have scored a little higher than 910 (i.e. 10 points higher than the minimum to qualify). Granted he was supposed to be a moron with ADD, and football was supposed to be his only way out of the hood, but perhaps a few study sessions with Cuba Gooding Jr. teased that score up to something a little more respectable, like a 980, so that I wouldn’t be left to think that he would have failed out of college, anyway.
/realizes that football stars at USC don’t fail out of school
SKOL indeed, Gino. Skol indeed.
Yikes…I’ve seen a lot of movies and I am drawing a blank. How about any non Groucho, Chico or Harpo musical number in any Marx Brothers movie? Though Harpo is pushing it sometimes….
The scene when they fall into the street in Ghostbusters. What a waste of 7 minutes.
@ yeah right?
Yes! Thank you! I remember hating it when Silk Wilkes got killed in “Cornbread, Earl and Me” while realizing it was part of the movie’s message. It’s just like when Ricky the football star gets killed in “Boyz N The Hood”. I wouldn’t ever cut that scene out, but I hated to see that character die. Skol Vikings!
Nitpicking: on behalf of The Express, WVU is shown as a hellpit of racial problems. But 1) that game didn’t occur (it was a home game that year) and 2) the events portrayed didn’t happen in the following year when there was a game at WVU. Drop the scene, and you still stay to true to things that did happen.
@socialNinja,
I actually liked the Uhura-Spock subplot for two reasons. For one, it added depth to the Uhura character as had never been previously done. Secondly, I thought that Zachary Quinto’s portrayal of Spock as a young man trying to suppress his feelings and human urges added quality to his character, especially after he rejected admission to the Vulcan Science Academy earlier in the film.
Though, as long as we can agree that Jennifer Morrison was milftastic as Kirk’s mom, it is all water under the bridge.
/nerd rant
@Gino Tourettsa: I remember Cooley High. Sad scene but it did have some relevance. You could say the same thing about Cornbread, Earl and Me when Jamaal Wilkes get’s shot but you would lose the tragedy and the overall inner city strife the films were trying to show.
All of Mickey Rooney’s pointless, racist scenes in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Any scene in the new Star Trek involving any sort of making out between Spock and Uhura. I mean really? Why do you have to go and kill one of the greatest Star Trek characters of all time. Just dig my eyes out of their sockets with a rusty desert spoon. Honestly.
@Danish – great call. Winning one hand against someone in a cash game doesn’t mean anything.
My choice would be from “Let the Right One In” Great vampire film, until they show the horrific scar that shows the little girl was actually a mutilated little boy. Completely took me out of the film. I read the book afterward, and it fit much better there. Unnecessary in the film.
No brainer: The dialogue between Knish and Mike McD i “Rounders”. The one where he tells Knish about how he outplayed Johnny Chan…
The whole subplot with Bill Paxton in True Lies was stupid. But since it is limited to one scene, I will take the Sarah Connor waitress scene at Big Boy’s in the first Terminator where the kid puts the ice cream in her dress. Totally useless.
Since it’s so late, I’m going to make another pick against the rules.
SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE
“Can you read my mind?” Just remove the dialogue track from that scene and the movie is improved tenfold.
What Ben said, you cinematically-retarded shitstains. Most people who pick a scene that makes them uncomfortable offer no further justification, showing their retardedness.
“You’re such a super lady!”
Can I remove the parts of INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE that change Marcus Brody and Sallah from interesting, dynamic characters into comic relief retards? Then that’s my late pick and I’m glad I got it.
“Schindler’s List” – more Spielberg hackery. Showing the body of the girl in the red coat being exhumed from the mass grave. Uh, hate to tell you Senor Spielbergo, but that girl actually survived the Holocaust. She wrote a book about her experiences called “The Girl in the Scarlet Coat”.
@ Ben
Yeah, and by trying to get that chick to leave with him causes Pacino to track him down. You need to watch the movie again, faghat.
OK, fine, so someone took it already. Switching to Blues Brothers… I never got why Dan Aykroyd’s character had to hit on the woman at the gas station, then cut to her during the chase. It doesn’t really add to the story or the character.
Lethal Weapon 1: The whole “you wanna go for the title” shit before the final fight & the fight witnessed by the whole police force. They shoulda just let Riggs & Joshua fight off by themselves somewhere….to the death.
Knocked Up – the crowning. Did not need to see that.
And for whoever said they should cut the Holly Martins book club meeting… you’re so full of shit your eyes are turning brown. Could it have been done better? Maybe. But it’s too important to the exposure of Martins as a bumbling idiot (as opposed to a troubled protagonist) to cut completely.
Ugh. This draft is a disaster.
damn…Ditmas beat me to the Denzel/Milla Jovovovich (or however the fuck you spell it) scenes in “He Got Game”.
I’ll go with the part in Terminator 2 when Edward Furlong is teaching Arnie modern slang…or the part where Edward Furlong orders Arnold to not kill anyone. you know what? fuck Edward Furlong in that movie.
“Ass – ta – Ass” scene in Requiem for Dream, scares the fuck out of me.
Any scene in the Pam and Tommy tape where Pam isn’t naked. Just totally useless.
I might get crucified over this- in the Usual Suspects, the scene when Kevin Spacey shoots the guy in the head in the parked car. It gives away the end of the movie. I’m sure they put it in because they wanted some people to pick up on it and figure out the movie, but really it made me just sit there and think: “OK, I had suspicions before, but now I know for sure.”
Eh, I feel it was jsut a little heavy handed. Instead of wondering at the movie, at the end I was like “Meh. Duh.”
The scene in Sleepless in Seattle when Meg Ryan is listening to Tom Hanks on the radio talking about how his wife could skin an apple all in one piece while she’s doing just that. Ridiculous.
What? I mean, the scenes in 300 when people aren’t dying.
@Mr Smith
That might be the most excruciating scene (if you’re a guy) in any movie ever…It’s almost physically painful. I wouldn’t cut it, though.
When I was a kid I watched “The Dirty Dozen” with my Dad and loved it- except when Jim Brown’s character got killed. He was my favorite guy and when he was shot carrying out a vital part of their plan, I pointed at the TV and yelled out a very action movie-like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
If Jim Brown’s character had lived, it wouldn’t have changed the film.
@TDub: Agreed. See: Diaz, Cameron.
All of the scenes with the prostitute in He Got Game.
/OK not a great movie but those scenes were interminable
““Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head” in Butch & Sundance”
My dad made me watch that movie when I was a kid and when that song kicked in he agreed that it was completely indefensible.
“That’s the best scene, you moron.”
you beat me to it. that scene with the asian dude was phenomenal.
I’m gonna make two picks since I missed most of the draft: in The Ice Storm, the scene where Tobey McGuire runs off for the train to Connecticut after he drugs Katie Holmes and shes passes out in his lap. I’d rather just imagine that he fingerbanged her all night.
#2, the scene in Wonder Boys where Tobey McGuire goes into Robert Downey’s bedroom and has gay sex for the first time. I’d rather just imagine he snuck into Katie Holmes’s bedroom and fingerbanged her all night.
They’re kind of the same pick, really.
@huh?
Still I feel the movie dragged a bit during that scene… but then again, Hollywood needs the obligatory love story…
Actually come to think of it- what they did in the movie version of I Am Legend actually invalidates the title of same…
Hey Hollywood: GET FACKED!
@ Dan
That’s his “story” but the Uma Thurman character sees right through it because she’s privy to his secret.
@ Ben
Amen. People really screwed up this draft.
I agree with Ben-
I Am Legend may be the best literary portrayal of a man totally alone- in any genre of literature. Even the sci-fi/horror stuff is secondary to the character portrayal in this piece. The movie just shat all over the book. I can think of couple, but not many, instances where Hollywood did a worse cross over (not that studios have a stellar record there anyway…)
edward nortons penis flopping run in fight club
Since there’s a lull and nobody would’ve picked this anyway:
The scene in “Cooley High” when Cochise gets beaten to death by Stone and Robert. I understand that it was necessary to the narrative arc, but it was so sad. Cochise was going to play college ball! Anybody every see “Cooley High”? Anyone?
Gattica- when Ethan Hawke explains the “mysterious” scars on his shins (exact height of some cars bumpers) is just lame
This may be the worst draft ever. You guys have eliminated some of the greatest scenes.
-The answering machine scene in Swingers: Are you freaking kidding me?!? That scene is the joke everyone remembers from that movie, and has been imitated a thousand times since.
-Kill Bill 2: Bride buried alive is fantastic, very well done, disturbing with the POV shots. Sorry you’re a pussy and can’t take it – I’m claustrophobic as hell. Learn to ride it out.
-Transformers: While I agree with your general sentiment, Jason Bay is busy playing baseball, not making movies.
-Heat: Are you retarded? DeNiro does NOT “go back to get the girl,” he goes back to kill Waingro.
-Fargo scene with the Asian boyfriend: if you don’t get this scene, you’re an idiot. Thankfully, someone already called you on this.
-American Beauty: Kevin Spacey not banging Mena Suvari was kind of the whole point of that movie.
-Any Given Sunday: Eliminating all scenes with Cameron Diaz playing, as she should always play, a total bitch would also eliminate awesome scene of Charlton Heston smackdown. “That woman would eat her young.”
-Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: Point taken, but that scene makes sense if you believe, as I do, that Ferris Bueller is actually a Tyler Durden-esque daydreamed creation of Cameron’s disturbed psyche.
-Godfather II: Okay, now you’re just fucking with me. The scene where Kay tells Michael she got an abortion is maybe one of the best-acted scenes in modern film. Have you looked at Pacino in that scene? His eye twitches in a way that looks perfectly involuntary. It’s maybe his best acting ever. That scene may disturb you, but getting rid of it shows you have no taste.
BTW, the ending on I Am Legend is exactly the opposite of what Matheson, the author, intended – that’s why you think it sucks. Read the book.