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If you have an afternoon to kill this summer Friday, I strongly urge you to replay last night’s live blog of the Nationals Spelling Bee. It’s a veritable hailstorm of comedic brilliance. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Anyway, I also watched the Bee last night, but couldn’t join in the blogkakke. Here’s a quick mini-gamebook of it:

-First off, I feel like half these words need to be stricken from the dictionary. Is it really a word if it’s only used in spelling bees and Scrabble tournaments? Fuck and no. Like NEUFCHATEL. That’s a word for cream cheese. Would you ever you use that word instead of cream cheese? No, and if you did, you’d get punched in the cock, and rightfully so. And NEUFCHATEL was the only word in the bunch that I had actually seen out in the real world prior to last night. They add words to the dictionary every day, yet they never take any of them away. I demand that difficult, challenging words be banished from our lexicon.

-I’m incredibly depressed that SHIVASHANKAR, the chick who spelled out words on her hand, won it all. Any of the other kids would have been better, especially Mou, the emotionless spellbot who will one day either shoot up a Virginia Tech dorm, or make POW’s play Russian Roulette…

deerhunter05

DI DI MOU!

Mou also didn’t ask the judges every fucking question under the sun after being given the word, and I respected him for that. He played the game the way it should be played. DON’T SPELL IT IN A SENTENCE FOR ME, MISTER JUDGE MAN. I GOT THAT SHIT.

-Anyway. spelling out words on your hand is fucking bush league. It’s like wearing sunglasses during a poker tournament. Sure, it’s technically legal. But fuck that. All the other kids visualized the words in their head. What’s the matter, SHIVASHANKAR? Can’t spell without your little hand crutch? Lame.

-You know you’re fucked when you ask for the etymology and the judge says there’s a German root in there. Those German roots will FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE SCHNITZENGRUBEN. There isn’t another language on Earth that deploys more unnecessary letters. Did you know the German word for “it” is “achtungschnellhachentraut”? It’s true. Don’t tell me it isn’t.

-I spent most of the contest rooting for the black kid. Then they fucked him the ass with palatschinken (sp?). Tell me that wasn’t RAYCESS. That was totally RAYCESS. They gave some other little shit GOOMBAY. Oh, like that’s even in the same goddamn league. Then I rooted for the white kid. You know damn well that white kid’s parents had to use a lint roller to get the dandruff off his shirt before he went on TV. But I also liked Aishwarya, the one chick who actually looked like a real human being up there. She looked like she was going to shit her pants on every word. And when she got bounced on MENHIR (Brady Quinn’s favorite word), she openly wept in her parents’ arms. Aishwarya knows DRAMA.

-No way the white kid’s dad doesn’t rape him with a broken plunger handle after he fails to win.

-The commentator last night: “Her dad is actually her spelling coach.” Yeah, what a shock there. Never expected that.

-I fucking hated the main judge. Those kids may all have been dorks, but at least they had the excuse of awkward youth. The main judge was like a cockier, douchier Alex Trebek. And whenever he used the words in a sentence, the crowd would laugh at its usage. “Enough of this low carb madness. Pass the Palatschinken!” Oh, you’re so funny, guy! Suck my wisent.

-I swear when they told the black kid his word was HYPALLAGE, they said Vitalology. THE WAITING DROVE ME MAD/YOU’RE FINALLY HERE AND I’M A MESS…

-The winner only gets $30,000? After memorizing the entirety of the dictionary and mastering the roots of sixty different foreign languages? What’s that average out to in work pay, five cents an hour?

-The kids are sweet (except Mou, who was a goddamn killer), but the real stars of the Bee every year are the words. Here were the words from Round 9 on, along with their meanings…

AXOLOTL (reference to the number of unnecessary musicians on Chinese Democracy)
PLAIDOYER (only fabric that white kid probably wears)
GOOMBAY (Seaside village in New Jersey)
HYPALLAGE (allergy to promotional materials)
BAIGNOIRE (French version of Doritos Late Night)
ARRHOSTIA (medical condition where you speak only in pirate)
BYSSINOSIS (overdose of Percy Shelley poems)
ILIOPSOAS (only fond of Illeana Douglas films)
OEILLADE (not a real word)
XEBEC (mythical animal with toes for eyes)
GRISAILLE (Expensive, tasteless, particularly tough piece of steak)
HUISACHE (Costa Rican delicacy made of sugar cane fungus)
NEUFCHATEL (Swiss nudist ski resort lodge)
CRETONNE (those bread things you put on salad to make it taste like something)
SCHIZAFFIN (having multiple Victorian-era personalities)
WISENT (confirmation of FedEx package delivery)
DIACOELE (monocle for citizens of the underworld)
REREDOS (asshole)
ANTONOMASIA (abandoning your car on the side of the road)
BOUQUINISTE (Gay man who opens small clothing shop)
ORIFLAMME (venereal disease)
GUAYABERA (Mexican energy drink)
ISAGOGE (rare type of football play where Lorenzo Neal carries the ball)
SOPHROSYNE (Second year high school co-ed who looks far older and more bangable than she really is)
MENHIR (Sign outside Jeff Garcia’s pool house)
PHORESY (vivid dream about phosphorus)
MAECENAS (Greek ruler who ate his own arm)
LAODICEAN (Southeast Asian form of jailbait)

-And finally, for the love of Christ, you parents, buy your kids some normal fucking chinos.