KSK Gamebook: Scripps National Spelling Bee
If you have an afternoon to kill this summer Friday, I strongly urge you to replay last night’s live blog of the Nationals Spelling Bee. It’s a veritable hailstorm of comedic brilliance. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Anyway, I also watched the Bee last night, but couldn’t join in the blogkakke. Here’s a quick mini-gamebook of it:
-First off, I feel like half these words need to be stricken from the dictionary. Is it really a word if it’s only used in spelling bees and Scrabble tournaments? Fuck and no. Like NEUFCHATEL. That’s a word for cream cheese. Would you ever you use that word instead of cream cheese? No, and if you did, you’d get punched in the cock, and rightfully so. And NEUFCHATEL was the only word in the bunch that I had actually seen out in the real world prior to last night. They add words to the dictionary every day, yet they never take any of them away. I demand that difficult, challenging words be banished from our lexicon.
-I’m incredibly depressed that SHIVASHANKAR, the chick who spelled out words on her hand, won it all. Any of the other kids would have been better, especially Mou, the emotionless spellbot who will one day either shoot up a Virginia Tech dorm, or make POW’s play Russian Roulette…
DI DI MOU!
Mou also didn’t ask the judges every fucking question under the sun after being given the word, and I respected him for that. He played the game the way it should be played. DON’T SPELL IT IN A SENTENCE FOR ME, MISTER JUDGE MAN. I GOT THAT SHIT.
-Anyway. spelling out words on your hand is fucking bush league. It’s like wearing sunglasses during a poker tournament. Sure, it’s technically legal. But fuck that. All the other kids visualized the words in their head. What’s the matter, SHIVASHANKAR? Can’t spell without your little hand crutch? Lame.
-You know you’re fucked when you ask for the etymology and the judge says there’s a German root in there. Those German roots will FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE SCHNITZENGRUBEN. There isn’t another language on Earth that deploys more unnecessary letters. Did you know the German word for “it” is “achtungschnellhachentraut”? It’s true. Don’t tell me it isn’t.
-I spent most of the contest rooting for the black kid. Then they fucked him the ass with palatschinken (sp?). Tell me that wasn’t RAYCESS. That was totally RAYCESS. They gave some other little shit GOOMBAY. Oh, like that’s even in the same goddamn league. Then I rooted for the white kid. You know damn well that white kid’s parents had to use a lint roller to get the dandruff off his shirt before he went on TV. But I also liked Aishwarya, the one chick who actually looked like a real human being up there. She looked like she was going to shit her pants on every word. And when she got bounced on MENHIR (Brady Quinn’s favorite word), she openly wept in her parents’ arms. Aishwarya knows DRAMA.
-No way the white kid’s dad doesn’t rape him with a broken plunger handle after he fails to win.
-The commentator last night: “Her dad is actually her spelling coach.” Yeah, what a shock there. Never expected that.
-I fucking hated the main judge. Those kids may all have been dorks, but at least they had the excuse of awkward youth. The main judge was like a cockier, douchier Alex Trebek. And whenever he used the words in a sentence, the crowd would laugh at its usage. “Enough of this low carb madness. Pass the Palatschinken!” Oh, you’re so funny, guy! Suck my wisent.
-I swear when they told the black kid his word was HYPALLAGE, they said Vitalology. THE WAITING DROVE ME MAD/YOU’RE FINALLY HERE AND I’M A MESS…
-The winner only gets $30,000? After memorizing the entirety of the dictionary and mastering the roots of sixty different foreign languages? What’s that average out to in work pay, five cents an hour?
-The kids are sweet (except Mou, who was a goddamn killer), but the real stars of the Bee every year are the words. Here were the words from Round 9 on, along with their meanings…
AXOLOTL (reference to the number of unnecessary musicians on Chinese Democracy)
PLAIDOYER (only fabric that white kid probably wears)
GOOMBAY (Seaside village in New Jersey)
HYPALLAGE (allergy to promotional materials)
BAIGNOIRE (French version of Doritos Late Night)
ARRHOSTIA (medical condition where you speak only in pirate)
BYSSINOSIS (overdose of Percy Shelley poems)
ILIOPSOAS (only fond of Illeana Douglas films)
OEILLADE (not a real word)
XEBEC (mythical animal with toes for eyes)
GRISAILLE (Expensive, tasteless, particularly tough piece of steak)
HUISACHE (Costa Rican delicacy made of sugar cane fungus)
NEUFCHATEL (Swiss nudist ski resort lodge)
CRETONNE (those bread things you put on salad to make it taste like something)
SCHIZAFFIN (having multiple Victorian-era personalities)
WISENT (confirmation of FedEx package delivery)
DIACOELE (monocle for citizens of the underworld)
REREDOS (asshole)
ANTONOMASIA (abandoning your car on the side of the road)
BOUQUINISTE (Gay man who opens small clothing shop)
ORIFLAMME (venereal disease)
GUAYABERA (Mexican energy drink)
ISAGOGE (rare type of football play where Lorenzo Neal carries the ball)
SOPHROSYNE (Second year high school co-ed who looks far older and more bangable than she really is)
MENHIR (Sign outside Jeff Garcia’s pool house)
PHORESY (vivid dream about phosphorus)
MAECENAS (Greek ruler who ate his own arm)
LAODICEAN (Southeast Asian form of jailbait)
-And finally, for the love of Christ, you parents, buy your kids some normal fucking chinos.
Tags: bees, Big Daddy Drew, girls with mustaches, off tpoic, seriously read the live blog, spelling
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May 29th, 2009 at 11:16 am
This definitely needs a “hatehatehate” tag.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:17 am
-And finally, for the love of Christ, you parents, buy your kids some normal fucking chinos.
And would it kill you to toss in a polo shirt? Maybe something in a nice tea rose color.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Good live blog. Lofty live blog.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Had I been at the Spelling Bee I would have shouted, “Mou da man!”
And as I stated last night some of those Indian girls had better mustaches than most Italian grandmothers.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:23 am
@Otto, clutch live blog.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:28 am
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98kbee.phtml
“Corpuscle. Can you use that in a sentence?”
“Uhhh, ok. Hey, Fred, look at that corpuscle.”
May 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am
ARRHOSTIA (medical condition where you speak only in pirate)
ARRRRRRRRR That be a funny line say Eeeyyy !
May 29th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Why are 25% of these words in French? Do they want to humiliate the kids even more?
May 29th, 2009 at 11:39 am
The main judge was my Philosophy of Aristotle teacher at University of Vermont. There cannot be a whiter person on the planet. Oh, and his nickname during school was jaque-strap when he was growing up. Otherwise, a pretty cool guy who talked about Greek phallus sculptures and drag shows WAAAAAY too much.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:46 am
“DON’T SPELL IT IN A SENTENCE FOR ME. . .”
Well, if that were an option and he didn’t use it, he’d be the fool, right?
May 29th, 2009 at 11:48 am
off tpoic
DING!
May 29th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Naw baby. Fifteen’s my limit on Schnitzengruben.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Baby, please! I am not from Havana!
May 29th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
But Drew, if they removed words like this from the dictionary, you wouldn’t have this lovely little contest to make fun of. And then in 20 years spelling bees would just be text message anagram bees.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Drew, you’ll be happy to know that they take words out of the dictionary all the time.
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1847042,00.html
http://ask.yahoo.com/20060630.html
http://www.merriam-webster.com/help/faq/addword.htm
I trust that this news will transform you into a peaceful and contented man who will never see the need to rant again.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Absofuckinlutley brilliant commentary. I hope Peter King gets ARRHOSTIA.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Spelling Bee…highlight of the year…
http://rbireport.com/
May 29th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
“What’s that average out to in work pay, five cents an hour?”
Based on the countries most of these kids come from, five cents an hour is lofty pay. Put it into American terms and it’s around $500 an hour.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I was so fucking funny on the live blog last night.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I just wanted a polo shirt that fit that little white boy…Ted? He wasn’t heavy, no need to have him wear hand me downs.
May 29th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Every liveblog comment about how clearly baked Mou was absolutely killed me. I’d give my little toe to see his little introduction video where he talks about being “laid back” on YouTube with some reggae in the background.
May 29th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Best from that list of words taken out of the dictionary:
“Fubsy. Definition: Squat ”
Thanks, that’s helpful.
May 29th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I didn’t watch it but I’m surprised someone went out on MENHIR. Those are the stone things that Obelix carries around in the Asterix comics.
/was raised by mendicant Francophiles
May 29th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
That liveblog transcript is damn funny. Punte gets credit for claiming the winner early.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XidAmD3hxpc this reporter would rather be interviewing hannibal lecter.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
The live blog was great, need to read it when I get home tonight with a few glasses of something strong in my system. Love how at a certain point some of our comments published automatically. You guys are wonderful, wonderful people to make that happen. Let’s do this again soon to something else random.
/out
May 29th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
@j4b, I vote for the all-star game home run derby in July, especially if Berman is involved. We can goof on him all night long.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Threadjack: Peter King is comparing Matt Ryan to Peyton Manning on twitter.
“Matt Ryan is Peyton-in-waiting. He could be third- or fourth-most productive QB in games this year. Good job, Will.”
May 29th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
MENHIR is the only one I would’ve locked down… thanks to all the years invested (wasted?) on playing video games.
/oblig shits pants
May 29th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
MENHIR (Sign outside Jeff Garcia’s pool house)
Lost it. Hilarious shit here.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Mou is from Peoria. Needs more Zook.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
that liveblog was intolerant of people on the west coast.
FUCKING RACISTS.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
That liveblog was so much fun I forgot to drink. I promise not to overlook that next time.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Still waiting for sexy Friday, but in some parts of the world that picture defines sexy Friday
May 29th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
@UU – Those are parts of the world I never ever want to visit.
May 29th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Oof — kickass Pearl Jam reference.
May 29th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I actually know what AXOLOTL means without having to look it up.
I don’t know whether that’s good or bad.
May 29th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Is it spelled “cromulant” or “cromulent”?
May 29th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Cromulent.
The “e” embiggens all of us.
May 29th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Why aren’t you directly quoting my jokes? You people have no taste.
May 30th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I have a word for these kids to spell: BORING.
June 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
As a former (very successful) competitor in these, I agree with your assessment of “Mou” (dunno if that’s a real name or not, since I wasn’t able to watch this one…I was off beating high schoolers into the ground and making them run ’till they puke). The whole “use it in a sentence” and “define it” crap doesn’t actually help. All it is is a stalling tactic–which is pointless anyway since there’s no time limit!
Get up there and if you need time to think through the word (which does help–knowledge of etymology and rules of orthography and morphology can help you make a reasonable guess at the spelling of an unfamiliar word, and sometimes it takes time to work these things out) use it, but just be honest about it and don’t try to pretend that’s not what you’re doing. Take the time you need, but just spell the word.