Kill Kill Kill Theater: NFL Player Included For Topicality
Jared Allen, he of the phenomenal ass and the Kenny Powers haircut, gets to “feel like freakin’ Geronimo right now” by spearing an elk from above. With no regular old spear, mind you, but one-a them fancy Samburu Spears. Beats sniping wolves from a helicopter, that’sferdamnsure. Jared, once he reaches the downed elk after it’s done staggering toward a place to die, proclaims that he’s now addicted to hunting. Should he lump this into his melange of other addictions, a Death Race 2000-like league of competitive homicidal death cars is possible in our lifetime. Leonard Little, Donte Stallworth – get your hunting game tight. Shit’s on.
Tags: jared allen, kill kill kill, xmas ape
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May 13th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Nice blackface, Jared.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@ Jeff – would you expect anything less since he is hunting with spear
/needs almost racist tag
May 13th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Samburu spears don’t kill elk, people kill elk
May 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I’ve hunted elks before, but only in meeting halls.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Is that Owen Wilson with the voice-over?
May 13th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Would Alonzo Spellman be interested in hocking Elks Hunting Spears? For when you have to nail those old people right in the sternum?
May 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I’ll bet he hunts for poon with a spear too. It certainly did sound like Owen Wilson – don’t let him borrow your spear, dude.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
What crazy state allows hunting with a spear? If it made sense, I know PA would allow it.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@albo
Illinois, of course.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
This is far too awesome to warrant even an attempt at humor.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Real mature dicks! What’s next a video of you raping strippers? Real cool. I’ll be waiting.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
@ albo
Its legal to hunt in PA using an atlatl; which is basically spear hunting on ‘roids.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Why is there blue shit on your face Cleg? What, did you just blow Robocop?
May 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
i miss jared so much
/crying chiefs fan
May 13th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“What’s next a video of you raping strippers?”
After the last KSKhristmas Party, Chippendales refuses to book any performances.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Seconded, Pacman’s Bodyguard. Bowhunters can suck it.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“All you Bears better watch out.”
Cutlerfucker is pouting with fear right now.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
How’s he hit the elk’s main artery from that distance? He’s some sort of Robin Hood with the spear. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
May 13th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Jared Allen- Fuck Yeah!
I wish we could have ubiquitous commercials of this Jared killing things with a spear instead of the ones with the doughy, sexually-ambiguous Jared who lost weight eating Subway or the shrill “Oo! He went to Jared!”.
May 13th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Tell me he owns a jetski.
May 13th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
How many Miller High Life’s did he pound after the kill?
May 13th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Go home and cook up some “backstraps?” Is Elk meat that hard to say?
“After I take down a few wild boars, I just caint wait to go home a fry up some wigglyhonkers and get busy.”
/Allen’d
//Rednecks are scary
May 13th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I can’t wait to get this in my freezer, start pumpin’ weights, just let the buffalo become a part of me. I’m going to have buffalo strength because of this frickin’ meat. Just like they did in Dances with Wolves – “I ate his heart. Now the buffalo runs through me. Tatonka.”
May 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
So. . . do the Vikings know Jared Allen is climbing trees in the wilderness with a fucking spear?
May 13th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Wow a kill in an overstocked hunting preserve? Impressive.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
That elk was speared almost as hard as Wilile Roaf’s wife.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
He needs to be drunker.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
not pictured: baited field, timed feeder and molasses lick
you’re not allowed to wear suspenders and yell, “awesome!”
you’re just not.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Tune in next week to Kill Kill Kill Theater, Shawne Merriman leaps from a cliff ledge and coldcocks a black bear with a flying Rape Tackle… then does the Lights Out dance.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
+1 SSB
Spears and Jetskis were made for each other.
oh, and blackface + spear…there’s an utterly inappropriate racist joke in there somewhere…
May 13th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
this really could use a “srightry lacist” tag
May 13th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I’d still take Ray Ray with a knife.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Thanks Chiefs. I am proud to be a Vikings fan again.
On the slightly lacist tag, someone over on a Vikings message board today was talking about this video when they said that their dad and uncle had gone hunting before with Allen. They said he’s a fun guy to hang out with but found out that he is INDEED slightly racist, calling the Williams Wall a couple of ignorant dumb black people (more derogatory, of course). The legitimacy of this statement obviously cannot be verified, but … since we’re talking about making fun of ethnicities here … thought I’d throw that out.
May 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
“this really could use a “srightry lacist” tag”
I agree, it makes white males look like idiots.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Hunting anything that you aren’t going to eat is the act of a true cocksmoker. (A rogue animal happening upon you and attempting to feast on your nutsack is a different story.)
Now, if Jared took a sizable portion of that meat to his family freezer…more power to him, even though he’s still a millionaire thrill-seeking weekend wanna-be caveman. But if he just trophied it or let it rot, Ted Nugent agrees he’s a douchebag.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I wanted everyone to know that I used steroids, which caused my son Aspergers.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
I’m in favor of giving Jared a 5 minute head start and then sending the Nuge in after him with a crossbow.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
“I was a little nervous.”
What, you though the elk was going to catch the spear and throw it back?
/hates Vikings just a little bit more now
May 13th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Wow, you asshats can throw down the interwebs disses, but out in the woods, you apparently wouldn’t know your dickhole from a prarie dog hole. If you actually managed to kill something, you wouldn’t have the first clue how to make something edible out of it.
Although I prefer a nice centerfire rifle for hunting, there are those skilled woodsmen who use the bow, and in this case a spear to bag their prey. If you bothered to pay attention, Jared said he couldn’t wait to get eat what he killed. This is apparently not just some douchenozzle uber rich “hang the head on my wall and go kill something else” hunter. He sounds like he will actually eat what he killed which is the way it should be.
Backstrap = tenderloin= filet mignon for those of you watching at home. If you want to learn about meat, go find a knowledgeable butcher (not your buddy Mike who works at Sam’s club and repackages pre-cut meat) and get him to show you what it’s all about. Not only will this make you more manly, it will vastly improve your ability to cook better meals, and when your whining shrew of a girlfriend/wife/significant shacked up female roomate makes another inedible offering to your manly hunger, you will have the knowledge to procure the choicest cuts of meat you can find and turn them into a mouth watering meal that she will hate you for, but will be powerless against.
Yes, my wife was a vegetarian when I met her, but I converted her back in ‘91. I have yet to meet a vegetarian I couldn’t convert as long as I could get my meat in their mouth . . . . but in most states that’s also considered forcible sodomy. . . . .
May 14th, 2009 at 2:42 am
Lighten up Francis
May 14th, 2009 at 9:58 am
“I have yet to meet a vegetarian I couldn’t convert as long as I could get my meat in their mouth”
So many sheep, so little time.
/gets the flock out of here
May 14th, 2009 at 10:00 am
That is fucking weak dude. Where is the rope the calf sack dance after the kill?
May 14th, 2009 at 10:23 am
If you actually managed to kill something, you wouldn’t have the first clue how to make something edible out of it.
It’s called evolving from cavemen to actual modern day humans. Maybe you should try it after wiping the blood from your fangs. Oh and I cook my own meat thank you very much, so no need for the lectures from a true land baron such as yourself.
May 16th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
This is the best damn video i have ever seen. All you pussys who dont like things to die need to man up. things die every day, thats life. and the more things a bad ass like Allen kill the better.