Kids Are Stupid
You might think it cruel of me to be picking on this misguided tyke, for no other reason that he violates the first cardinal rule of fandom (to wit: YOU CANNOT ROOT FOR MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN TEAM). But I feel if he stumbles upon some of the negative comments bound to crop up on his YouTube page, he might correct his problem before he reaches the age where he would be forced to answer for his crimes with foot-fed mouthfuls of a parking lot curb.
Now, everyone in their right mind knows the rooting hierarchy goes:
1. Your favorite team.
31-way tie for last place: EVERY OTHER FUCKING TEAM IN THE NFL.
Maybe I can accept a 28-way tie for fourth last followed by the other three teams in your division at 30, 31 and 32. But what this little shit did is beyond the pale. Let’s review.
1. Dallas Cowboys [with douchey chest pound for emphasis] – Die. Even if you live in Dallas. Especially if you live in Dallas.
2. San Diego Chargers - I suppose if one were fucktarded enough to have a “second favorite team” in addition to the Cowboys, this would be a fine selection. Other conference. No discernible bad blood between the teams. Hokay. My blood hasn’t reached proper boil just yet.
3. New York Jets – Again, no real beef with your supposed favorite team, and they’re bad enough so as not to get you labeled a serious bandwagon fan. Rage still kept in check.
4. Chicago Bears - CHICAGO AS NO. 4? WE HAVE A PETER KING IN TRAINING. JUST GOTTA SWAP THE MONSTER-FLAVORED WATER FOR THE COFFEE, DUDE!
5. Detroit Lions – Ah, the token really bad team, solely included for the tortured fandom bona fides. It’s like the anklebiter put some effort into this.
6. New Orleans Saints - Made all the worse because he pronounced the city like Al Michaels. Note he’s now checked off three consecutive NFC teams, two which could be contending for playoff spots with his beloved Cowboys next year.
7. New York Giants - Waitwaitwait. The Cowboys are your favorite team AND YOU HAVE HATED DIVISION RIVALS IN YOUR TOP TEN?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF TERRENCE NEWMAN’S PUCKERED ASSHOLE IS WRONG WITH YOU? EAT TOXIC PLAY-DOH!
8. Philadelphia Eagles - Now you’re just piling on, kiddo.
9. ???????? - WILD CARD BANDWAGON PICK!
10. Seattle Seahawks – And here we have yet another NFC team, one that handed your ‘Boys an embarrassing playoff defeat not but a few years ago. Not only is it another egregious gaffe, but it goes against everything that it means to be a Seahawks fan. They begrudge big game defeats for the rest of their miserable lives. THEY WILL NOT HAVE YOU AS A 13TH MAN!
Unless this kid one day enrolls in an Ivy League school, I don’t think I could hate him more. I assume he has no fatherly presence available to sit him down and tell him only tonguezoomers have multiple teams. But there must be other outlets for getting this sorely needed edification. Do we, as a society, want this idea gaining ground among our youth, that is this aboveboard? That’s it’s okay to split our team allegiance willy-nilly? I’d rather my kid (God forbid) stick his dick in the sink garbage disposal. Or even watch Night at the Museum 2.
Tags: Bandwagon, children are our future unless we stop them, rant, still drinking my monster, xmas ape
May 12th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
God i hate this child.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
tonguezoomers?
May 12th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Am I the only one worried that this kid has a cocaine problem?
May 12th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Maybe he’s a retard, you ever think of that? Those “retards” really like numerous teams. And the zoo.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Still probably knows more about the NFL than PK. Granted the bar isn’t that high.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Would a really late term abortion still fly???
May 12th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Watching his father take it up the ass with mom’s strap on has really screwed this kid up. Four years at Holy Cross can’t be far behind.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
#11: Some bullshit soccer team…
May 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
check out his youtube page
http://www.youtube.com/user/kdc1315
so much to hate here: love of energy drinks (you’re 11 years old you should have plenty of energy without drinking that shit), he’s into skateboarding, and his favorite band is Sum 41. I’m just shocked he isn’t wearing a shirt with a popped collar in this video.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I would like to point out that his related videos are all about his tech deck skateparks.
This article would also have a distinctively different feel if the Steelers were first instead of the Cowboys.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
neeew orleans! if you want to go to hell you should take a trip to the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Mississip’
May 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
What the fuck are they putting in the water where he lives
May 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@Doc, take her to the zoo Rock. +1
May 12th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
This is what happens when kids are not allowed to play dodgeball in gym class. He would have learned the proper way to cheer for your favorite team after that big red ball left a mark around his eye socket. Don’t cheer for my team you shitbawx…
Oh and he’s definitely enrolling at Duke so we should probably nuke his house now.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
@Mo Charlo, read this weeks Peter King post and you will get tounguezoomer.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
This article would also have a distinctively different feel if the Steelers were first instead of the Cowboys.
I would have been angrier.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Those tech deck things are faking retarrrded. That tubby little shit should get outside and play some football rather then naming off his top ten Madden teams.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I was all set to declare this young man my new mentor; I mean, who doesn’t drink grape-flavored Monsters until they vibrate like Michael J. Fox and root for 10 NFL teams at once? Amirite?
But then he got to his favorite foods. I’m thinking pizza, ribs, maybe candy. All great. But then he put forward the abomination of pickles as the greatest of all foods and now he’s dead to me. Look kid, I don’t salt cod or pork to keep it through the winter, and I don’t ruin perfectly good cucumbers by soaking them in brine so that I can have a vegetable in February.
So, fack you and fack Monstah ya little puke! Twisted Tea, represent!
May 12th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Poor little bastard, can anyone blame him for being a douchetard when his parents clearly cut his hair by slapping a bowl over his head and going nuts?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ72ey0K9cA&NR=1
May 12th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
All you NY Yankee haters out there will be pleased to know his e-mail address is: yankeefan.cirks1.3@gmail.com
May 12th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Can’t count, addicted to Red Bull, wipes his nose like he’s been on a three day coke binge, and a Cowboys fan… his mother must be real fuckin proud
May 12th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
This is why I can’t endorse Monster. It has made this little girl think she can give proper footballing analysis. It’s a shame, really. She’s completely insane.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
+1 for tonguezoomers.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I was with you Ape, until you had to go and put down Night at the Museum 2. Now I’m reconsidering the whole thing…
May 12th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
“Unless this kid one day enrolls in an Ivy League school”
Ape, this kid can’t even count to 10, although after meeting some Ivy League grads I’m sure Brown will let him in.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
On the plus side, he liked Drew’s book.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I have the exact same list of teams!
May 12th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Just like when I see misbehaved little shits in our neighborhood, I have to ask, “Where the fuck are mom and dad???”
This kid’s dad is an insufferable prick day-trading cyclist with a souped-up Miata. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
May 12th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Ok, I ran all over PK’s recap and saw references to this tonguezooming, but no explanation. I know I probably don’t want to know, but I hate being in the dark. Anyone help me?
May 12th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Anyone else expect to see Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer pop up in the background?
May 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoIkkxlS9Lw
His favorite MLB teams.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Is that kid pounding an energy drink? Is he chain-smoking Camels too?
Call off the search for Parents of the Year. We’ve found them.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@Tommy, fucking shit, now I’m really pissed. he’s a fucking Yankee fan that picks the Angels as his #3 team. Yeah, dickhead pick a team that has only owned the Yankees in the play-offs for the last 7 seasons. And to top it off the camera turns off at #8.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
“You know what? I can already tell I don’t like you, and I’m probably not going to like you, no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him- because I ain’t watching.”
Don’t cry for this kid- he’s already dead. He obviously doesn’t have a father who loves him enough to ridicule him for being a douchebag. It’s just a matter of time before he gets an orange tan, spikes his hair, puts on the Axe Body and does the Blue Steel pose for his myspace page.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
The kid is obviously drinking JOOSE
May 12th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Maybe I can accept a 27-way tie for fifth last followed by the other three teams in your division at 29, 30 and 31, then the Patriots at 32. Unless you support the Patriots. In which case, fuck you.
Improved.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
this isnt a kid, he is probably a nerdy teenager who wanted to look cool, so he discussed NFL teams on youtube. and his growth was stunted since he enjoys energy drinks.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
That’s just it, the Chargers are #2 on the list, even to Charger season ticket holders.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Or even watch Night at the Museum 2.
No child torture please.
if you want to go to hell you should take a trip to the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Mississip’
Still better than 98% of the rest of the Souf.
As for this kid…might we have here a future Tawmny in training? By that, I mean a soon-to-be calf-flexing, tribal-tat wearing douchebag? Wait…he roots for the Cowboys and the Yankees? Magic 8-Ball says “OH Hell Yeah!”
May 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I think you all have this backwards. It’s not that he doesn’t have a “Father figure” to guide him towards right from wrong. It’s that CLEARLY the doctor forgot to cut the ambylical cord at birth, and he has a Mommy to tell him it’s ok to root for all the teams he wants, and no, he doesn’t have to go to a school that has a “Physical Education” period because some kids might get picked for last for whatever.
/am not related to anyone like that.
//no really.
///Dick joke.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
His favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys, and his favorite baseball team is the NY Yankess. His parents should be shot.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I think he’s really fucked up from all that Monster he’s chugging.
Also, he kinda looks like Leitch. If he were a Buzzsaw fan, Doc Brown’s fingerprints would be all over this.
/bad 80s joke
May 12th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
10 Years from now I can see that kid partying with Lachey & Leinart. He’s hardcore.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
So his fifth favorite team is the Lions.
According to my hunch-backed assistant’s calculations, this kid is the Lions’ number one fan!
/willing to give the kid a break as I was pretty retarded at 11
//still, as there is no god, chances are he will grow up to be a douche and bang hotter chicks than you
May 12th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
As if Peter King didn’t highlight and italicize the abject stupidity of power rankings yesterday (Bears at 4 BWAHAHAHA)… Jesus, kid, go the fuck outside and play.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Not one team from the AFC South? I think I need this young man to drink a few more monsters, pound his chest to get the heart going and then give me his favorite football teams 1-32. I need to know!
May 12th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“ABORTIONS FOR ALL!”
You said it, Kang.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
what the fuck are those skateboards? also, you know your an irresponsible parent when: 1)your child chugs monster energy drinks by the six pack and has not yet reached puberty. that shit will fuck up your bone structure that is fact. 2)you let your child have a youtube page 3) on said youtube page he posts his name 4)also on said youtube page he basically lays out his summer schedule of ballgames for all pedophiles to see 5) you buy your son a bunch of platic skateboards that they flip with their fingers. THIS IS WHY YOURE FAT
May 12th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Yeah, dickhead pick a team that has only owned the Yankees in the play-offs for the last 7 seasons.
That is a pretty long list. Chances are, he had to pick at least one of them.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
This kid probably downs two bottles of nyquil just to get to sleep at night.
Have another red bull, son.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
That is made of fail. This kids parents should be put in jail for turning him into a douche bag, letting him stunt his growth so that he ends up as a 4-foot-tall douchebag, and letting him use a webcam on youtube. It’s not even a safety issue, people who video blog on youtube are irritating, self-satisfied pieces of shit.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
“ends up as a 4-foot-tall douchebag”
It worked for Danny Bonadouche.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
“His favorite MLB teams”
I he’s looking at the MLB wallpaper his mom put up in his room.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
The University of Miami admissions department spent the better part of this afternoon putting together a scholarship offer for that kid. I just pray he continues chronicling his life in the years to come, so that we all may share in his special moments, like his first date rape
May 12th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
favorite basketball team? Chicago Bulls
favorite football team? Dallas Cowboys
favorite baseball team? NY Yankees
Signed, Lebron James
May 12th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Slothrop- great one. All I can add is “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”
Vermonster- see Nebakanezer response for how THAT works out.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
What does this kid think about “Men With Balls”?
May 12th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
“For those of you that don’t know, I have another account called “YankeesRock1315.”
So not only is he a Yankees fan, he’s one of those “people” that choose names based on favorite teams, an adjective describing talent, and then an arbitrary number, usually his numbers in sports.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
@Tebow’s Girlfriend:
+1
May 12th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Monster Energy Drink: May cause involuntary chest thumping/affinity for Detroit Lions
May 12th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpKRFdEszAU&feature=channel_page
May 12th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Well look at that…he’s already deleted it…I wonder why.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
i think daddy found his youtube account, and you know hes getting the belt and a day off from monster for this….
May 12th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Finally someone on KSK comes out in support of zero population growth.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Well, the account is closed and all the videos are gone. Now how am I supposed to spend my Tuesday night? How?
May 12th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Wow, beat up a kid on the internet, how big of you. On the other hand, his parents are just too busy with church.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:02 am
It was me…. I got ride of him. AND his terrible youtube videos. It was easy with Alonzo Spellman’s child-chopper.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Goddammit, I never got the chance to hate on this little kid for no reason! But kudos to the KSK commenters for surely scaring the shit out of this little bastard with your surely subversive YouTube comments.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:40 am
I’m in a funky-ass porsche gembala, no sluts just women on my colla’