If Favre Returns It’s This Guy’s Fault
This is Dr. James Andrews, and if you follow professional sports you’re probably familiar with his work. It is Andrews’ nimble fingers that have been responsible for breathing the life back into hundreds of lame limbs from all across the sporting spectrum, and now he’s taking on Brett Favre’s bum bicep. Clearly the man has gone mad with power.
Jesus fucking Christ, James, if God really wanted Brett Favre to make another comeback he wouldn’t have taken the time to reduce the man’s throwing arm to delicious shredded beef. Who are you to interfere with His divine will? You must have an ego the likes of which we’ve only seen from Favre himself. I am pleading with you to think long and hard about what you’re doing before you selfishly repair another man’s injury.
That is why I am humbly requesting that you kick the Hippocratic Oath to the curb for a day and “take one for the team” by botching this procedure. In fact, I’m willing to start up a collection on this very blog to compensate you for doing as such.
Cancel the procedure?
We’ll figure out a way to make up for the lost income (invaluable gambling advice!).
Go through with the procedure but intentionally botch it to make sure Favre never so much as lifts his right arm over his head?
Double compensation, plus a free whore to do with as you see fit.
Feel too guilty to screw up on purpose?
We’ll buy you a case of Red Bull to chug before the surgery. That way your conscience can remain (somewhat) clear while your hands do their best impression of a Parkinson’s patient.
Feel free to sleep on it, James. But if you don’t have an answer soon I’ll be powerless to stop Drew from offering a bounty on your veiny hands.
Tags: bounties, Brett Favre, Dr. James Andrews, F*CK YOU BRETT FAVRE, it's satire people, potential bounties, Unsilent Majority, yes i know the vikings are going 3-13 next year
May 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
What’s with the ring? Is he really Green Lantern?
May 18th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Dr Andrews says if you don’t like it baby he’s going across the street to Jerry Graff.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Going to him must be the exact opposite of everything drew described in his anti-doctor rant last week. Why else would EVERY single athlete go to him with their problems? Oh, his beautiful, big tittied, assistants blow you… well, that explains it.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Yeah, because THAT’s the problem with Favre, his bicep.
Unless the good doctor here is aiming to replace his shoulder, bicep, legs, core, neck, and brain with that of a much younger, 100% less douchy QB, Favre will still suck, and the Vikings will still go down in delicious, bright shiny flames.
FUCK Favre.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
How about we offer as a bounty the removal of the very large stick apparently residing up Dr. Andrews’ ass?
May 18th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
You forgot the “Vikings are still going 3-13″ tag.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Kushiro +1 cup of coffee
May 18th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
You forgot the “Vikings are still going 3-13″ tag.
added
May 18th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
As a Packer fan I can’t wait for Brett Favre to sign with the Vikings. That should be two wins in the bank for Green Bay.
God I hate the fucking Vikings.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Christ, what an asshole. He’s a southern surgeon with a Cheney-like smirk and huge ring. I hope he shoots Favre in the face with a 12 gauge.
I think Ol’ Hypocrates might look the other way on this one, Doc. Do Harm.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Oh, yeah- FUCK YOU, BRETT FAVRE.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Yes, but did the Dr. attend the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College?
May 18th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
In a few years it’s going to come out that James Andrews never went to medical school. He really just pumps the players full of low-grade hallucinogens and anabolic steroids. They don’t know the difference.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
“You’ve tried the best, now try the rest! Call 1-800-DOCTORB! The ‘B’ is for ‘Bargain’!”
May 18th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
i first read it as “sporting rectum.” the reference to Farve immediately thereafter really works well if you read it that way.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
“Sporting rectum” describes Michael Vick’s first day in prison, as well.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
ah gino, i see you attended hollywood upstairs medical college too
May 18th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
“Holy smokes! You need booze!”
/Had to add my favorite Dr. Nick line.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Let’s hope for Drew’s sake that Favre’s post-op recovery doesn’t follow the path of Henry Rowengartner’s.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
“The coroner? I’m so sick of that guy! See you in the operating place!”
May 18th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Generic Favre Joke:
“I bet the surgery will be preformed on a riding lawnmower and everyone is going to wear wranglers.”
I am guessing that I dont hate Favre anymore/at all.
Have fun!!!
May 18th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
See that dark spot on Hop Union? That’s whiplash…That smudge on rant that looks like my figerprint? No, that’s trauma….and for Drew? Here, rub your food on this piece of paper – if it turns clear it your window to weight gain (well, additional weight gain)
May 18th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
plus a free whore to do with as you see fit.
So who’s taking one for America? BDD? Maj? Ape? FMRA???
May 18th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
All the Fellows do the real work while he just shows up for photo opps. The best thing that could happen is for the old man to work on Favre. Leave and work the land with one arm!
May 19th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Well, though he may be evil…I’d still like to thank the good doctor for Drew Brees.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I’d like the Dr. to do the best job possible. I would love to see a reinactment of Favre’s last pass against the Bear’s that Urlacher snatched one handed out of mid air, then watched himself run it back for a touchdown on the Jumbotron. I wore out my Tivo unit playing that thing back every morning for about 6 months. What a way to start the day!!!