‘Hey you guys? I can’t find my contact!’

three_auburn_cheerleaders

Ashlee: Hey? Hey you guys? I can’t find my contact!

Britnee: Hang on, Britnee. I’ll help you look!

Courtnee: There’s a puppy across the street! That makes me happy!

 Ashlee: Not now, Courtnee! I have to find my contact! Or the varsity will leave without us!

Britnee: Just ignore her. She always gets stupid when puppies are around. 

Ashlee: What a bitch.

Britnee: Total bitch.

 Ashlee: Stupid bitch.

Britnee: We’ll find it, let’s just keep looking. 

Ashlee: Thanks, Brit. You’re such a good friend!

Courtnee: I think I’ll find that puppy a stick! [runs off]

Ashlee: I hope she impales herself on that stick!

Britnee: I hope that dog eats her whole stupid face.

Ashlee: What a bitch.

Britnee: Total bitch.

Ashlee: [yelling] Stupid bitch!

Britnee: So Ashlee?

Ashlee: Yeah, Brit?

Britnee: I want to eat your asshole out.

Ashlee: …what?

Britnee: It’s just that…I really like you, Ash. I just think that you’re so pretty, and I love being your friend. But I…I want to be more than just your friend.

Ashlee: But…you ARE more than my friend. You’re my best friend, Brit!

Britnee: Ashlee, I have to tongue out your anus. I need this. I need you. I need your butt.

Ashlee: Brit…you’re really making me uncomfortable.

Britnee: Just…just give me ten minutes. Okay? Five minutes? Just let me get the lay of the land in Hershey Valley.

Ashlee: No!

Britnee: Please?

Ashlee: [pauses] I found it! [pulls contact out of the grass and runs off]

Britnee: Dammit. [yelling] Come on Courtnee, let’s okay!

Courtnee: That doggie was really neat! I named him Fred!

Britnee: Whatever, let’s just go before Ashlee leaves us here.

Courtnee: Okay. So…is Ashlee gonna let you rim her?

Britnee: Oh yeah, I’m gonna lick that pooper til there’s no hole left.

Courtnee: Nice. Just don’t grab her by the insides of her thighs. She hates that. [Courtnee runs up to the car]

Britnee: CUNT!

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70 Responses to “‘Hey you guys? I can’t find my contact!’”

  1. jimmy dolan shake n bake Says:

    wow…..just wow

  2. BoxEater77 Says:

    I thought this was going to be Sexy Friday

  3. Cowher's red shirt Says:

    Jesus…

  4. Yinzer B Says:

    Hilarious post to end the week

  5. Kimbo Gash Says:

    Gimme an R!

  6. Brendan Says:

    Courtnee is a total bitch!

  7. guy-in-moms-basement-who-calls-sports talk radio Says:

    Chris Hanson wants to have a word with you in the kitchen. Go on…..have a seat.

    Obviously I’m too busy playing with myself to realize that these young women are wearing Auburn cheerleader uniforms. Auburn is, in fact, an American university where nearly all of its students would be at or above the age of consent.

    But don’t take my word for it. I’m just store-brand dipshit.

  8. LaFavre's Next Retirement Says:

    Stunned silence.

  9. Crocodylus Pontifex Says:

    well that took a hard left turn.

  10. Dan From Chicago Says:

    ummmm yeah lost contact – rimming ummmm yeah – just cannot string a set of coherent words together

  11. jackin'4beats Says:

    That was comedy platinum PUNTE. My god mab, just why?

    Britnee totally like spells her like name with a like heart over the “i” you know, like really.

  12. Mo Charlo Says:

    …..

  13. jackin'4beats Says:

    man, not mab! DAMMIT

    /going home now

  14. Otto Man Says:

    Do what now?

  15. Pepster Says:

    Simply genius! BRA – fucking – O!

  16. Rob in WI Says:

    Punte… thank you, thank you very much.

    Yes, yes, and yes, for the record.

  17. tbone Says:

    wow…hmmmm….

    /crickets chirp

  18. rick muscles Says:

    this gives new meaning to Tommy Tuberville’s fear the thumb shirt he used to wear.

  19. miamidiesel Says:

    Sexiest Sexy Friday ever? I’ll say it. Sexiest. Sexy. Friday. Ever.

  20. Sarcastiholic Says:

    That’s funny… puppies make me happy too

  21. Michael Vick's Kennel Klub Says:

    aaaaand we have a winner

  22. C-Student Says:

    not your best work but, little C-Student still moved a little.

  23. RedMenace Says:

    And, with that, we can all now leave work to sail the seas of Twisted Teas.

  24. DennyCuse Says:

    Totally wasnt expecting that.

    But I liked it !!

  25. FDR Says:

    There are no words to describe how much I didn’t expect that

  26. Kid Presentable Says:

    I thought that after Punte’s With Leather post about Tyson’s daughter, he’d never be able to surprise me again. Damn, was I wrong.

    We are the cunts who end in “nee.” Nee! Nee!

  27. Jesus Says:

    So basically you found a picture, came up with a quick dialog in your head while masturbating, and then regurgitated blog style. I love it.

  28. SonOfSpam Says:

    No way Ashlee turns down a rimmer.

  29. Michael Says:

    Seriously though, no links to anything? Booooo.

  30. most_impressive Says:

    KSK – your home for NFL commentary and co-ed fan fic.

    And rape. Lots of rape.

  31. Upstate Undedog Says:

    jeez Punte that’s just classic Punte

    Good way to end the week.

  32. Upstate Undedog Says:

    *I need to spell my screen name right

    /Underdog

  33. Upstate Underdog Says:

    dammit! long week

  34. Spatula Says:

    You know, if these had been Bama cheerleaders a strap-on would have been involved. Just saying.

  35. Spatula Says:

    @UU Is “undedog” what you get when you mix a zombie and cream and puree in blender (or would that be undeadog)?

  36. Moof! Says:

    I’m into all assholes. I like it because it’s tinier than a pussyhole. It’s so tiny, it’s tinier than a clitoris. When i get the feeling of licking a york peppermint patty, it’s a sensation.

  37. joe wade Says:

    i expected phillip rivers to pop up, but he never showed…

  38. red right 88 Says:

    You sir, are a sick, depraved, disgusting animal.

    And the fact that you are a fellow Buckeye fan fills me with pride.

    / O-H!!!

  39. make it snow Says:

    Punte… you’re making me really uncomfortable.

  40. bickem Says:

    I’m sure it was said but I’ll say it again… more of this please

  41. Captain Murphy Says:

    om nom nom?

  42. Ron Dayne's strict diet Says:

    fapulous

  43. Joe Dirty Says:

    squirt

  44. Michael Lee Says:

    at least she found her contact

  45. Rocco Says:

    Hmm…interesting.

    BTW…a friend of mine was drinking Twisted Teas tailgating at the Dave Matthews Band concert on Wednesday. I wanted to call him Tommy.

    /back to drinking alone

  46. Brady's a Douchebag Says:

    Awesome Punter! Simply awesome. Gisele approves, too.

  47. Jewbacca Says:

    You broke my brain, in a good way.

    Bravo.

  48. zak Says:

    wow

  49. Andy Says:

    Most random post we’ve had in a while…

    And yet I feel slightly dissatisfied. As if it should have gone farther. How desensitized I’ve become. Thanks KSK.

  50. Monday Morning Punter Says:

    I just read this for the first time and I think it blows.

  51. StuScottBooyahs Says:

    I’m drunk and read this for the first time and I THINK ITS FUCKIN AWESOME WOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

  52. Putting the Gay Back in Litigation Says:

    +1000 Moof!

  53. toasterhands Says:

    trash

  54. jacks colon Says:

    Fuck and yes

  55. ProfessorPher Says:

    WHAT A TWEEST

  56. BART Says:

    Punte/KSK = Brian Russell/Seahawks

  57. William Belichamp Says:

    Girl/girl analingus is good. Almost as good as another New England Patriots championship.

  58. Admiral Snackbar Says:

    Girls.

  59. Animal Mother Says:

    Ashlee: What a bitch.

    Britnee: Total bitch.

    Ashlee: Stupid bitch.

    Peter: Lofty bitch.

  60. Plax's Owie Spot Says:

    This isn’t really fantasy at all, boys. I went to high school with girls/cheerleaders who more than likely had this conversation once or twice. The one suggesting it was a closeted lesbo who dropped out my junior or senior year and is now a model (who knew?) and the one agreeing was a stoner who now has a kid. And the third… well she was 4′11″ and made Forrest Gump look like Stephen Hawking so she fits in perfectly. Oh reality, how you ruin a perfectly fucked up fantasy concocted by lonely football-obsessed men.

    /wonders what fucked up shit her boyfriend fantasizes about. Euuughhh

  61. encouragement Says:

    i agree….IM DRUNK. AND THIS POST IS AWESOMEEEEEEE…who does think anal licking is funnnnnny lick lick lop

  62. Fanny Packer Says:

    So Brittnee says “Hang on, Brittnee. I’ll help you look.” ? …Fail.

  63. Ibeaux Says:

    +1 Animal Mother.

  64. Chris Henry's P.O. Says:

    No Pacman, HinesWald, Ochocinco, or O’Sullivan cameo? Come on

  65. jkc Says:

    /slow clap

  66. Duke of Awesome Says:

    Should I be so turned on by this?

  67. Some Dude Says:

    I am disappointed by the lack of extra cheerleader pictures.

    High school football season cannot come soon enough. :(

  68. MorelOrelHershiser Says:

    ARROWED!

  69. jujrok Says:

    punte, i’m just glad you’re using your awesome narrative powers for good rather than evil. carry on.

  70. ClickClickThud Says:

    “Just don’t grab her by the insides of her thighs. She hates that.”

    Yeah, that’s the chocolate frosting on this fap cupcake.

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