Elisha Manning was all set to get empaneled onto a jury, but his questionnaire revealed a deep-seated bias against people who have stolen antiques. And older brothers. Also, the article reports it was unknown which case Eli was asked to sit in on, though we all know he only showed up to demand that his Plax be set free and allowed to return to his team.
The NFL has agreed to allow Chad Ocho Cinco to wear his new last name on his jersey this upcoming season, but only if it gets conflated to “Ochocinco”. When asked about the ruling, Chad responded, “I don’t want space in my name. Someone could put a chair there.”
Warren Sapp has pinned Tony Romo’s late season failings on trips to the golf course. See, this would have been more convincing had he said Romo wants to lose early just so he can get back to the course earlier than usual, rather than it being a distraction during the season. Also if Sapp had any sort of reputation for being a workout warrior himself during his career, that might’ve bolstered his argument ever so slightly.
The Steelers will visit the White House next Thursday, where Santonio Holmes will personally thank President Obama for ending the War on Drugs and Ben Roethlisberger will wrestle Joe Biden on the South Lawn for a package of Now and Laters.
Tags: elisha, ksk kontent klearinghouse, ocho cinco, provoking tim the enchanter, STEELERS STEELERS STEELERS STEELERS STEELERS STEELERS, xmas ape
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May 15th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Is it true that Santonio Holmes and the Washington Monument are going to whip ‘em out and measure?
May 15th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
“I don’t want space in my name. Someone could put a chair there.” – I’m legally a retard, I still don’t get it.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I’m currently wasting my time devouring a giant bag of bullshit Skittles, when I could easily have a Now and Later molded perfectly to the roof of my mouth right now. Thanks for the reminder that they exist.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
ksk kontent klearinghouse
KKK?
May 15th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
It’s good to see we’ve finally given up, I mean won, won the war on drugs. Can we legalize pot now?
May 15th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I’ve got my money on Biden – he gets the secret service right?
May 15th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I’ve got my money on Biden – he gets the secret service right?
BEN GAVE THEM FIVE DOLLARS. THEY WONT HURT BEN NOW.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I have it from sources inside the courthouse that Eli was being selected for a jury in a high profile prostitution case. He was excused when a review of his information form indicated he did not check either the M or F boxes for sex. Instead, he wrote NUH UH, NEVER.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Now and Laters? Fuck that shit! Laffy Taffy!
May 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Warren Sapp giving any sort of advice is like asking a homeless man to help you increase your stock portfolio.
May 15th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I’m a Whatchamacallit man myself. AND BEN WRESTLES BIDEN-MAN FOR NOTHING LESS THAN CHOCO TACO.
May 15th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
“Eleven Angry Men… And One Super Excited Big Boy”
Alternative title: How the six-fingered kid perfected masturbation.
May 15th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I know I can’t be the first person to notice this, but did the writers at 30 Rock steal KSK’s Ocho Cinco for Tracy Morgan’s character?
May 15th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
albo: Maybe not, but I could see Ocho hosting his own animal program.
Ocho: “I’m Ocho Cinco!”
Parrot: “Awk! I’m Ocho Cinco!”
Ocho: “THAT BIRD IS A LIAR!”
May 15th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Reese’s Pieces for mid-afternoon snack today.
I thought more could have been done with Elisha at the courthouse, but I understand the constraints of time.
Fuck Warren Sapp. Not for the Romo comment, but just in general.
May 15th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
“if Sapp had any sort of reputation for being a workout warrior himself”
You try eating 50 White Castles in one sitting and see if that isn’t a workout!