Dating Girls on the Offensive Line, Revisiting the Threesome, and ‘Keeping the Change’: Your KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag
You know the deal: you send us questions about your fantasy sex life and your fantasy football team, and we give you flippant answers when we don’t have the right answers.
Before we get into this week’s mailbag, a clarification from last week: one reader wrote in about his desire to “bang a blackie,” something that we found both offensive and out of touch (as slurs go). While it was made obvious that the person should be ridiculed in the comments, we should have done a better job of making it clear that we don’t want your racial or homophobic or gender-biased slurs in your submissions. Unless it’s one of the ones for Italians or the Irish. Those dagos and micks don’t deserve any better.
KSK,
Football, as always, first. Am I the only person who thinks that Cutlerfucker isn’t that much better than the neckbeard and the reason the Bears didn’t make the playoffs last year because of the defense? Also, how long until Cutler starts bitching about having Devin Hester as his number one target?
I love the city of Chicago, but Jesus Christ you people are some delusional sports fans. The reason the Bears didn’t make the playoffs last year was because they couldn’t beat a team with Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Listen, just because Orton doesn’t suck as hard as the 20 previous corpses the Bears trotted out under center doesn’t mean he’s actually any good. What you have in Jay Cutler is one of the best young quarterbacks in the league. Kyle Orton is shit. He’s shit that doesn’t smell as bad as he used to, but he’s still shit.
That said, the rest of the offense that isn’t Matt Forte sucks, so yeah, Cutler might still be a sad panda at the end of next season. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Onto sex, I dated this chick during high school, had a bad break up, and thought that was that. Three years later, we have started talking again, and I am trying to at the very least become fuck buddies if not an actual relationship. The only issue is she somehow has gotten hotter with three years of college, and now may be way out of my league. How do I go about this and is her mind already set to a no?
Gracias,
Mike Hunt
Without knowing the details of your previous relationship or the break-up that ensued, I don’t think there’s a tried and true method to getting back together with her. But I can assure you this: there’s a certain amount of magic that comes from knowing/screwing someone in high school that never goes away, so the opportunity is there. But if she’s only gotten hotter since then, it probably wouldn’t hurt to get your ass in the gym for a few weeks. Fatty.
Masters of Madams,
I’m the pregnant sex guy. The pregger chick moved in with her parents for the rest of her pregnancy so we are done.
So sad. I really thought you guys had something lasting.
I have moved on. I first met this chick in college in North Dakota. We hooked up and went on a few dates. Years later our paths crossed again in the Twin Cities while I was in grad school and she was working there. She had gained weight, like 60 lbs.
Whoa! Imagine curling two thirty-pound dumbbells. Now imagine the weight of those dumbbells in fat cells. That’s like an entire third-grader. Stay away from Midwestern chicks, people.
I was nice enough to her as I’m not a total dick. We hung out a few times, but I was busy with school and she was a gargoyle. We have not talked in 2 years and I recently moved to Fargo from an internship in Boston. She now lives in Fargo too. She has dropped the 60, plus another 20. We ran into each other and hit it off again. We hooked up and then in the morning she was acting really weird and crying. She told me that my cold reception to her in the cities caused her to lose all the weight and she had always hoped of seeing me again to throw it in my face. Once she saw me she said she couldn’t do it and all she wanted to ever do was be with me.
So apparently, you WEREN’T that nice to her, and you ARE a total dick. But I guess all’s well that ends well.
She is engaged and wants to break it off with her fiance to be with me. I have been in Fargo for 3 months. The only women here are dumb 19 year old undergrads sneaking into bars and wives of military guys that are overseas while they sit around and cheat on them at every chance. Which is terrible. It is strange that our paths have crossed 3 times in 7 years in 3 different cities, but I’m not ready to be with some crazy chick. I’ve been at my new job for 2 months now and don’t want to have to move again. She pretty much does anything I ask inside and outside of the bedroom, but I’m 28, I don’t need crazy. She wants to get engaged to me now. How do I tell her no without her killing me and the fiance? This has all happened in the last 11 days.
-Pregnant Sex Guy
flubby: More red flags than May Day in Moscow.
So basically, you’re somehow cosmically tied to this girl, she’s infatuated with you, and you have no hope of doing better while you’re in the city that you don’t want to leave, but you don’t want to be with her? Your desire to avoid the crazy is impressive.
If I were you, and I wanted to maintain my bleak dating prospects in FUCKING FARGO, I would tell her that yes, obviously, you two have an uncanny magnetism for each other, but that you’re not in the right place to have a relationship with her (much less get engaged), and if you dated the knowledge of breaking up her engagement would weigh too heavily on your conscience to enjoy the relationship.
Hi Cockubuses,
This combines football and ladies so not a seperate question. The girl I’m dating plays JV football wtih me on the O-Line (we’ve been dating for 2 years). We’re usually called the ‘hulk couple’ because we’re 6′5/280 and 6′1/230 respectively and she’s a great gal–loves sports like I do, honors student, all of that, but the Varsity razzes us constantly. She wants to try out for Varsity with me but I know they’ll give her a hard time (the only girl we’ve ever had on the Varsity team was a kicker) even though she’s more than qualified. She tells me she’s going to go through with it anyway, because she has something to prove to those asshats and its good training for when we deploy after school. Is there anyway you fellas know of a good way I can try to talk her out of it? Call me a sap but I don’t want to bust skulls over this and her.
Thanks,
88
So you’re a 280-pound badass who’s comfortable enough with himself to date a woman over two bills, but you don’t want her to pursue her goals if it means other kids make fun of you? Sorry brutha, but you’re being a selfish asshole here. Look at it this way: at least you’re big enough to kick people’s asses. Some of us didn’t have that luxury in high school.
Dick Joke Jockeys,
[I had a college relationship with a girl who] lives an hour’s drive from our University town, while I live much farther, so when Graduation time rolled around it was time to end things. Which was tough, she was everything I wanted in a girl, except for her hometown, which is far, far away from my current location. So there has been lots of that uber gay webcam stuff going on,
Actually, assuming you’re a male, I believe that’s the opposite of gay.
and I am flying back to said University for the convocation ceremony in a couple weeks. Obviously the opportunity for some “I haven’t seen you in months oh my god I missed you so much never leave me again” sex is going to arise. But I really don’t want to go through the whole emotional process of parting ways again, or get trapped into a long distance relationship which I think are ridiculously stupid. Considering I still do care about the gal a lot, yet all the while am very horny since I haven’t had any play in between, what’s the best course of action here.
Easy. You go there, you start hooking up, and just as the clothing starts to come off, you say, “Wait.” From there, you tell her that you really care about her, you still want her so bad, but you can’t offer her a real relationship because long distance is just too hard for where you’re at right now. Assuming you’ve done your job and she’s turned on too, she’ll agree to the conditions and you can get back to what you both want anyway.
As far as football is concerned, what are your thoughts regarding the CFL? Being Canadian, I was wondering if you American ass-hats had ever seen a game/enjoyed it. Personally, I prefer the NFL, just because the greater number of teams makes for a more competitive league, but Chris Berman seems to dig our brand of pigskin up here.
-Snoop (abundant-amounts-of) Doggy Style
You’re correct in that the NFL is a vastly superior product. I’ve never cared much for the CFL — three downs just feels wrong to me — but Punté says that he likes it okay. It’s kind of like frottage that way: it will always have a small group of freaks who like it.
Brotherhood of Bukkake,
I asked my wife if given a choice would she rather “keep the change” aka swallowing or receive a facial, she said facial. Now how do I talk her into letting me give her said facial?
Three steps: (1) Be nice to her. For, like, a solid week. Flowers for no reason is always a nice move. (2) Booze. (3) Talk to her during sex. If you drop “I wanna cum on your face” after three minutes of silent thrusting, that’s not gonna do it. Tell her she looks hot, tell her you love fucking her, tell her which body parts make you hot, etc. Then, when it’s getting close, say, “I wanna cum on your pretty face.” That way, you’re letting her know that you want to demean her, but also, hey, you complimented her! You think she’s pretty!
Also, should I keep Reggie Bush in my keeper league or try to trade him? I don’t think I’d trade him for anything less than a second round pick.
I’ll hang up and listen,
John
Ugh. Fucking Reggie Bush. Such a pain in the ass. Will he or won’t he play? Twenty-seven combined yards because Pierre Thomas gets his carries, or 200 all-purpose yards and two touchdowns? I know your pain. If it’s a PPR league, I’d consider keeping him. Otherwise, I think a third-round pick might be worth not having him as a weekly headache.
Dear Masturs of the Batorverse,
FOOTBALL: I am headed to Vegas in June and was thinking about laying a $50 long shot (>20 to 1) Futures bet for Super Bowl Winner. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 long shots. Which would you take of these 3, or if I am totally off base, which have I overlooked?
Dolphins 25 to 1
Bills 30 to 1
Chiefs 40 to 1
Ooh, tough one. Maj is the gambling “expert” around here — please note the sarcastiquotes — but judging from this list, there’s pretty slim pickin’s beyond 20-1. The Packers, Vikings, and Saints are all decent bets at 18-1 (especially the Saints), but among your choices I’d lean towards the Dolphins or Chiefs. I may be a bit of a homer, but I think the Seahawks are a better 30-1 bet than the Bills.
SEX: My wife and I have been trying to pop a Mini-Me in the oven for almost a year now with no success. (No, I don’t want your fertility advice). In the beginning of this venture, it was great. She was supplying it more than ever and it was the same quality sex as the prior four years. The problem is that our lack of success has really changed things. Now that we have ovulation kits, temperatures to take, and blah blah… These scheduled sex sessions have become, well, scheduled. It is more like a visit to the Dentist Chair than a roller coaster ride through Poon Town. Frankly, my performance is suffering due to this.
Shocking.
When I told her that she needed to “liven it up some”, her act came across faker than a bulimic’s D-Cups. It is almost worse for me now that she is faking her interest than it was before. I need some suggestions on how to genuinely spike her interest in our baby making time, and it can’t include porn. She still hasn’t totally gotten over the MILF evidence I left on our laptop one day. I wouldn’t describe her as particularly adventurous, but neither am I really. But I wouldn’t call her a prude.
Any suggestions welcome.
P.S. I already know that the commenters are going to suggest I find out what her fantasy is. I asked. She doesn’t really have one.
Sincerely,
Some Guy
She’s faking interest? Pretend she’s a hooker.
Your priorities are backwards. You’re supposed to have sex for the orgasms, and pregnancies are supposed to be the unwanted, accidental result of it. As soon as you get too focused on making a baby, then it just becomes work. And I think I speak for us all when I say, “Fuck work.” Take a couple days off. Stop worrying about making a baby, build up some aggression from not ejaculating, and take it out on her.*
*with sex, I mean. Not with hitting.
This question was inspired by the fact that last Thursday’s mailbag was on Matron Saint Day: Assuming there were no consequences, i.e. your wife/girlfriend would not find out, would you “kiss” suzy kolber (read: bang her).
Yes. Absolutely. But then, I don’t have a wife or a girlfriend. Oh, I know: it’s hard to imagine a blogger without a girlfriend, but it’s true.
Football: Ignoring the obvious off-the-field factor, where do you think Michael Vick as a quarterback would best be suited? Again, I don’t care about which team might take a chance on signing him, but where would he be the most help. (This instead of what would his fantasy impact be since that’d be hard to say without knowing which team he’d be on.)
-Zach
Vick would be the most help on the teams with the shittiest quarterbacks. In that sense, the Raiders and Lions (if they want to give Stafford some learnin’ time on the bench) seem like excellent choices. Other opinions from the gay mafia included the Vikings, Dolphins (Wildcat!), and Toronto Argonauts.
Dear sirs,
My girlfriend wants to have a threesome (wahoo!). But only with a girl.
Oh no, what a terrible problem.
In fact, we both have set our sights on one lovely lady in particular, a good friend of ours and a nice piece who has been known to have been interested in girls in the past. The three of us are all very close/comfortable, she makes out with my girlfriend all the time and came on to me hardcore when we first met before she knew I had a girlfriend, so I know there’s mutual attraction there. We were all set to make our fantasies come true a little over a year ago, but about an hour before our “date”, she canceled because some dude asked her to be his girlfriend and she accepted. They’ve been dating ever since (fucking dude has no idea how lucky he is), but yesterday they broke up (finally!). Yesterday was also the day that my girlfriend and I graduated college (do threesome problems ever happen outside of college?),
No.
so we moved our separate ways about 15 minutes after hearing this news. FML. Horrible timing aside, we are going back to campus in June for a weekend, where this girl will be. Any advice as to how to make the crazy college threesome happen (yeah, I know, booze), as well as your thoughts on whether my girlfriend and I are shitty friends for caring more about fulfilling our elusive sexual fantasies than our friend’s heartbroken state?
As long as you’re not hurting anyone emotionally or physically, fulfilling your sexual fantasies NEVER makes you a shitty person. I’d say that a wild threesome is just the kind of noncommittal rebound most people look for after getting out of a relationship. Now go get drunk and nail those girls.
As for football, I’m a Steelers fan, so I have nothing to complain about. Is Bill Cowher a douche for cheering for Carolina against his native Penguins? Do former iconic coaches/players have a responsibility to support the other teams of the cities in which they are beloved? I say yes. Fuck those guys.
All the best,
The Annoying [Former] College Kid Who Can’t Just Be Happy With One Hot 22 Year Old And Wants Another
Really? You need your FORMER coach who lives in Carolina to root for the hockey team from Pittsburgh, not Carolina, just because he used to coach a team from Pittsburgh in a different sport? THIS is the thing that’s bothering you during the off-season after your favorite team won its NFL-record sixth Super Bowl?
I hope that threesome never happens. Ass.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Quit worrying about your problems and just do 2 chicks at the same time already. It doesn’t come to often, pal. Do that, and make sure to watch my team go undefeated yet again while we run up scores on inferior opponents.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:24 pm
to the 280 lb kid playing JV football, you’re 280 lbs why the fuck are you on JV and not varsity?
Also, I bet those guys on varsity that break your balls don’t have girlfriends and are virgins.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Sir Pregnant Sex Guy, you are a fucking liar.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Pregnant Sex Guy,
You deserve a post all by yourself. Jesus, how fucked up is this chick? Red flags? How about a fucking Nuclear Alarm?
Let me put this in big, capital letters, so you understand completely what I’m saying :
RUN.THE.FUCK.AWAY.FROM.HER.AS.HARD.AS.YOU.CAN!
If that means leaving Fargo, shit, it’s FARGO! It’s not like you’re being asked to abandon your 8,000,000 dollar mansion in fucking Fiji.
Oh, and The only women here are dumb 19 year old undergrads sneaking into bars and wives of military guys that are overseas while they sit around and cheat on them at every chance.
Yeah man, that sounds fucking horrible. Wait, what?
/moves to Fargo.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Pregnant Sex Guy: No way is your email true. You are expecting us to believe that a crazy fat chick lost weight FOR YOU, then moved to the same hell hole as you (Fargo!), AND left her fiancee for you after ONE night with you?
Go fuck yourself. Get a job writing for the novelas on Telemundo, your imagination would be a great boost for that industry. Dick.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@UU
I got the option of playing V 2nd string or starting JV. And our Varsity was 0-10 last year while JV was 8-2.
And thanks Caveman. I guess I was being a dick.
/walk of shame
May 21st, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@280 lb guy
Are you Nick Mangold?
May 21st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Having a threesome involving someone with whom you have a long-standing relationship is a sure-fire way to tank that relationship and ruin, I mean totally fucking RUIN, your ability to genuinely enjoy one-on-one chemistry together in the long run.
Seriously. You can take my advice, or you can leave it. I promise you it’s sound.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@88, shouldn’t you be in class? Also, good call on picking playing time over riding the bench. Plus you got to hang with your girl.
@Some Guy, the harder you try to make a baby the less likely it will happen. trust me I’ve been through this.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Damn, they could turn Pregnant Sex Guy’s life into a TV show.
A really confusing, depressing TV show.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:36 pm
John,
My wife swallows AND takes facials. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait, that’s wasn’t advice. Eh… HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Sorry. I’m an asshole. Tell her that cumming on her face would REALLY turn you on, that you think she’d look fucking hot with your cum on her face, and that you’ll do something nice for her (of her choosing.)
It might mean you wind up doing laundry for a night, but hey, you got to splooge on her face! (which is pretty damn cool, I assure you.)
Some Guy,
Take her to a fertility bank, take the pressure off, and go back to fucking for fun. Jesus, you two make sex sound less pleasant than doing my fucking taxes. :|
Annoying college kid,
You are lying your fucking ass off. In any case, go back to college, find the girl, say “Hey, still wanna do that threesome?” and give her a wicked grin. If she’s really into girls, AND making out with your girlfriend all the time, AND came onto you hardcore, AND was interested in it before, she’ll be fucking happy that you still want to and will rush both of you off to her dorm room and fuck you senseless.
Needless to say, I’m a bit skeptical about all those ANDs you described.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I didn’t even comment last week so else is lacist?
May 21st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Seriously. You can take my advice, or you can leave it. I promise you it’s sound.
FMRA,
Please fill us in on these details.
Also, how did things go with that crazy clingy guy who wanted to wake up inside you? Is he floating in the Bawstan Harbah yet?
May 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@UU Nah. Exam week.
@Doc. Nope although I know who you’re talking about lol. We’re a tad darker.
@Fargo guy. Um, this ho sounds crazy. Run away. Not like taking advice from a 17 year old is awesome but still…
May 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Fuck this guy. Go canes!
Also, college seems to have gone better for him than me…
May 21st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Whew, I’m glad we’re still protecting the Pollacks!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I’ve never cared much for the gay lifestyle — sucking cock just feels wrong to me — but Punté says that he likes it okay.
/fixed
//seriously, how do you compare the NFL and CFL?
///do you go around saying your straight, but sometimes you wake up with a cock in your mouth?
May 21st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
*you’re, not your
/dumbass
May 21st, 2009 at 3:47 pm
It is strange that our paths have crossed 3 times in 7 years in 3 different cities
My, that is strange. Almost like it wasn’t happening by chance, like she was, oh, stalking you or something.
Run. Now.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
88,
Congrats on being the first to merge a football and sex question in one.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I love how every couple weeks we get a “I’m bangin’ a fattie but embarrassed by it” question. As if it’s something that can be answered for you. NEWSFLASH TO ALL GUYS: You have a choice to make in life. Get a nice, kinky, fairly stable girlfriend who is usually either fat, rolly polly, and/or not exactly a head turner. OR spend your life chasing slim hot tail which will enhance your rep with your buds (and self esteem) but be prepared for a life of bitching, severe mental issues, and fairly dull sex. Make a choice and live with it. Stop your whining.
And Pregnancy Guy: Making babies isn’t supposed to be “fun.” It’s WORK, dammit. Besides, do you really want to think of the night your wife dressed up like Little Bo Peep and tongued your ass for 5 minutes every time you look at little Billy or little Molly for the rest of their lives?
Finally, fuck Bill Cowher. The difference between Pittsburgh fans and the rest of the country is we are loyal and diehards. That’s why there is an army of Black and Gold which follow our teams when they play on the road throughout the country. Once a Pittsburgher, always a Pittsburgher. If Cowher wants to throw in with the hicks from North Cackalacky and do his organ grinder monkey routine, good for him. He’s dead to us.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Seriously, stay the fuck away from midwestern girls. Actually, stay away from the midwest in general.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Seriously, you better be making at least a million dollars to feel attached to Fargo.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
@ futuremrs
the 3 of us have hooked up before (2nd base maybe? base definitions seem to vary) and it did nothing but enhance our sex life; the only frustration came when the girl backed out because she felt guilty since she had a boyfriend. My girlfriend and I also have extremely well defined rules on what actions would turn both of us on in this scenario and which would not (and we have specific rules). So I think the threesome will (hopefully) have the opposite effect.
@needs more cheerleaders
swear to god im not lying. The secret is to be a red-blooded, heterosexual male who does musical theatre. There aren’t many, but those of us who realized early on the incredible amounts of ass it generates never leave.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
@ BBM,
Besides, do you really want to think of the night your wife dressed up like Little Bo Peep and tongued your ass for 5 minutes
That was fucking hilarious. Bravo, good Sir!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@Some Guy – I feel your pain, my wife and I tried for about a year before we got pregnant with your daughter. She will be giving birth in two months with our second girl. What finally got it done for us was taking a week off from each other, (she was out of town) missing each other and having some really good sex just because we wanted each other. Best of luck.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Can we hear more from flubby? Every time he shows up it’s comedic gold.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
a red-blooded, heterosexual male who does musical theatre.
Those two things are mutually exclusive, sorry. Just admit you’re gay already.
In any case, if it’s all true, Jesus, why are you even waiting until June? Hop in the fucking car, drive up there, and fuck your brains out the whole weekend.
I never understand why people need to be instructed to go have hot, dirty sex?
Are you still here? GO ALREADY!!!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Wait a mininute, you DON’T want to move from Fargo? Are you Irish or Italian, so I can make fun of you?
May 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
@ former college kid: The downside is that you have to do musical theater. Sitting around doing absolutely nothing is better than that.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Believe whatever you want, sweetie. Just don’t come crying to me. You’re a dipshit and your girl’s a bisexual who will probably wind up married to someone named Dina with a map of New Jersey tattooed across her ass. Sorry!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
girlfriend lives very far away, as in, not driveable. can only go when she flies up here. going alone is called cheating, and the general tamber of mailbag commenters is that cheating is bad, mkay.
and being straight in musical theatre is like being gay in the military. When the subject doesn’t come up, I’m fine. But the 2 jobs I had in which the subject DID come up, I was treated like shit and not invited back.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Straight musical theater student? Next you’re going to tell me there are straight interior designers. that’s umpossible.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I believe {Former} College Kid. Why else would say mention musical theatre on this site?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
former college kid said “mkay.” He’s as queer as a three-dollar-bill ladies and gentlemen.
/Only thing wrong with it is not being honest with yourself.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Mike Hunt: there’s a certain amount of magic that comes from knowing/screwing someone in high school that never goes away There is? I don’t know, I went to all-girls school.
Pregnant Sex Guy: Three lessons to take from this: She is crazy, run far away, and always be nice to fat people, because you never know when we will go crazy and stalk you through three different cities over the better part of a decade.
88: Your girlfriend sounds awesome. You sound like a selfish pussy. Stop being a dream-killer, and buy her flowers when she makes Varsity. (And for being so thoughtful, she might gift you with a celebratory BJ for making Varsity yourself!)
John: Then, when it’s getting close, say, “I wanna cum on your pretty face.” That way, you’re letting her know that you want to demean her, but also, hey, you complimented her! You think she’s pretty! [sigh], I’m betraying the sisterhood when I say THIS WORKS EVERY TIME. Trust me. (God, I hate myself.)
Annoying Former College Kid: Put one arm around one girl, the other around the second, kiss them both, and you’re off to the races. That would work on me, anyway. That and a liter of Goose.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:03 pm
p.s. DIDJA MISS ME?!
May 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
going alone is called cheating, and the general tamber of mailbag commenters is that cheating is bad, mkay.
Yes, because I’m fucking psychic and should have SMELLED that your girlfriend lives very, very far away, so you couldn’t drive up together.
You’re right.
Also, you and your awesome girlfriend graduate together, then move flying distances away? That sounds… solid.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
i DID miss Clare.
You win, universe.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
@ Bubby Brister – you know, there are some girls who love sex, are good at it, aren’t fat, aren’t ugly, love football and allow their husbands/boyfriends to go out with their friends pretty much whenever they want.
Seriously.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
p.s. DIDJA MISS ME?!
We missed your pretty pink box, yes.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Oh for God’s sake, drop the macho bullshit already. I know plenty of straight guys in theater. We met at the anal sex parties.
(but seriously, clinging to stereotypes as a replacement for knowledge is fuckin’ lame)
May 21st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
“a map of New Jersey tattooed across her ass”
The sign does say “Wel-cum to New Jersey”
May 21st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Musical Theater is to gay what the USMC is to straight, (former) college kid.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
a map of New Jersey tattooed across her ass
Is that so you don’t get lost when fucking her while driving?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@ CC: “I hate to dance and prance and sing, that’s much more of a Milhouse thing.”
/victim of media
May 21st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
CobraCommander…I see what you did there.
I make no jest towards a straight guy who goes for theater. He will be swimming in easy dramatic poon. I once dated a theater nerd chick and she said even the gay guys got laid by some of the more slutty non-lesbian thespians.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:18 pm
@Annoying college kid: the only advice I can give you is to spring for a nice room with a king-sized bed in a conveniently located hotel. Keep a bottle of some kind of liquor they’ll like on hand, and let both girls know that such a sanctuary exists in the least ham-fisted fashion possible (for example, come up with some pretense to stop off there in the daytime to pick up a jacket or something while one of them is with you). If you get called out on it, don’t deny it – just say you’re still game and you’re making sure nothing gets in the way this time.
@Everyone who thinks Annoying college kid should go pound a pile of sand: next time you open your paycheck (even if you work at Arby’s) remember that you’re seeing more money than this kid will make for the next ten years in his chosen profession.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Clare’s pink box is the highlight on my Thursdays.
What?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
@ Zack. truer words have never been spoken. glad my girlfriend is in med school.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
The difference between Pittsburgh fans and the rest of the country is we are loyal and diehards.
Truer words…
/shoots self in face
May 21st, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Uncle Matt is mean. When’s Uncle Drew coming back.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Mike Hunt: Unless you’ve become a clone of Cathryn Manheim, you got something that no other guy has — history. So play with that.
Preggo Sex Guy: Uh…moving on…
88: OK, so you’re dating a non-green She-Hulk and you want to go about pissing her off? Good luck with that idea.
Snoopy: Do what they said. As long as you both are clear that this is a hormonal release and not “getting back together” you’re in the clear.
John: The whole point is to make her comfortable. Women will do what you want (for the most part) if they feel you will take care of their needs.
Some Guy: From a pregnancy standpoint, just keep doing what you’re doing. From a romance standpoint, you both gotta relax.
Zach: I’d love to break the Matron Saint into the pleasures of the love that dare not speak its name.
Annoying: The friend might need a string-free threesome…get out there and help her out. Only don’t do it when all 3 are drunk, then it comes off as taking advantage.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
What do you call a person who has a fetish for chicks who look like linemen? A CameronManheimist? A Munozist? A practicer of Mandarichism?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
There is? I don’t know, I went to all-girls school.
I like where this is headed…..
May 21st, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@ [Former] College Kid
You’re onto something with musical theater. In college I was on the crew that built sets for the all plays. Dealing with all those fucking drama kids (who were totally convinced Oscars were in their near future) filled me with homicidal rage daily, but the trim and the drugs I scored at the cast parties made it all worthwile. If you can handle their histrionics, drama girls are always ready, willing and able.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Can you blow me where the Pampers is?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I went to musical theater parties, had several friends involved. However, the tail procured was without competition or challenge.
Always compete, friends.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
@ Gino,
See, but this is what I don’t get. Week after week we’re all on here telling guys that the poon can’t possibly be good enough to have to put up with all the fucking crazy and the drama. Yet now we’ve got guys saying “Shit, bang a chick who does drama for a fucking living!”
I mean, we’re sending out conflicting signals here. We need to make up our minds, as a KSK collective. Hot poon, worth the crazy/drama or not?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
@88 -This is going to sound incredibly crass but….How do you bang a 230 lb girl?
I don’t mean “how do you find her attractive?” – if you kids are compatible and love each other, more power to you.
(Most of us guys are out here sleeping with wives/gfs we barely tolerate.)
I mean the logistics of it all completely throws me for a loop. Are there levers involved? Pulleys?
Are the two of you responsible for the quake in SoCal the other day?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Banging former high school hotties-now-whores is the only thrill to keeping in touch with friends from the four lamest years of your life. Enjoy your 3 years in the making rehook-up, my friend.
Off topic but completely racist… I thought guinnea was the preferred racial slur for Italians. Dagos seems so 1950s.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:53 pm
RE flubby: More red flags than May Day in Moscow.
Jesus Christ, THIS. If someone ever tells you the only reason they lost weight is to “show” you or something like that (basically, anything that could be the plotline of a sitcom or Beverly Hills 90210), get the fuck away from them as fast as you can, and don’t look back.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
@Needs More: Totally worth it. Life’s an adventure.
@Buzzsaw: you’re a prick.
and it’s Guineas. And they’re useless.
/ducks for cover.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@Stylist – as one, I prefer Dago. In fact my FF Team is the “Fightin’ Dagos”.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
PCU. Good stuff. Lofty Stuff.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Wow, the last emailer is a fucking fantastic douche. That is all.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Some Guy,
My wife and I tried for over two years to get pregnant again (I give a hell of a Chlomid injection) and it got fucking tense for a while. If your wife is anything like mine (and many other friends who have gove through this, too) she is worrying so much about failure that she is sucking all of the fun out of the process (and sucking nothing else). Until she gets through it, you’re going to have to tough it out. Keep your hands away from your dick for at least 3 days prior to the first sex day to get you revved up, longer if possible.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Also, RE “I asked my wife if given a choice would she rather ‘keep the change’ aka swallowing or receive a facial, she said facial. Now how do I talk her into letting me give her said facial?”
What do you mean “given a choice”? There’s always an option C: None of the above.
Big surprise to hear this, I’m sure, but I don’t understand the appeal of “facials” to anyone. Just don’t get it. And I don’t wanna get it, so please, nobody try to explain it to me.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I think we all know the problem with 88: She is gunning for his position on the O-Line.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
However, the duck threesome is HOT.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Anytime, I hear “dago” it reminds me of Ivan Drago and then I think of Rocky. And while, I’m a fan of rocky road, I actually did not enjoy On the Road all that much. But I did like Metallica’s version of Turn the Page.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
We need to make up our minds, as a KSK collective. Hot poon, worth the crazy/drama or not?
For everybody else, no. But for me- this is different, I think I can make it work this time.
/have told myself this many, many times
May 21st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Annoying College Kid – Take a look at Bill Cowher’s lifetime record in Conference Championships. Penguin fans should be elated that he has sided with the Carolina NASCAR on Ice fans. If anything, the Pens should be petitioning the league to hold the remaining games at Heinz Field. That would surely guarantee a victory for Pittsburgh if Cowher is involved with the Canes.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:14 pm
touche, AJ
May 21st, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I too don’t get the idea of a facial. I can see the appeal watching them, but I’d rather keep it somewhere warm and wet through completion than pull out and jerk.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Drama chicks are arguably the perfect girls for one night stands. They’re easy to get in the sack, freaks once you get them there, and usually pretty good looking. They are, however, batshit insane, so best not to give them your real phone number, address, or name, because they’ll light your car on fire while screaming “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?”
Now, I’d like to introduce the men in the audience to a concept called “escalation”. See, when you’re sexing a girl on a regular basis, things can get repetitive. So, you go out and find something new to do to/with her. If it’s awesome, you can break them out on special occasions. But if you then add them to your regular repetoire, you’ve gotta keep pushing the limits, until you end up doing something that ends up with the two of you in bet, mortified, staring at the ceiling, going “Did we really just do that?”
Moral of the story: don’t push yourself too far. You might not like what you find.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:28 pm
until you end up doing something that ends up with the two of you in bet, mortified, staring at the ceiling, going “Did we really just do that?”
As long as you’re both still in bed, it can’t have been all that bad.
Now, if afterwards one of you is hanging upside down from the chandelier with a coffee pot up your ass and cum dripping out of your ears, while the other is rolling around the airconditioning duct, trying to wrestle that Burmese Python back into its cage, I’d say you may be getting a bit too kinky, yeah.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Everyone knows that musical theater is filled with dagos and micks. They do unspeakable things to each other. You might even say they’re like Greeks. Why, I once heard a drunk mick (are there any other kind) tell a wop what he was feeling! Can you imagine, they discussed feelings! Guineas and bogmen shouldn’t be mixing like that, I tell ya. Those dagos dress like pimps, and the whiskey-breaths have tiny love batons. That’s why they’re always the tops. It’s easier on the spaghetti benders that way.
It’s the way of the world. Violence, sex, love, booze and musical theater, what can one person do?
May 21st, 2009 at 5:44 pm
You guys don’t understand the midwest. You go to a cheap college in some place like North Dakota(Seriously like $3K a year), then you move to the Twin Cities. She moved to Fargo before me with her fiance. I went to New England for an internship. I’m an accountant, there is no good jobs anywhere else. If I wanted to make something up I’d say my girlfriend wants to have a threesome with her model best friend or I can only get off with a finger in my ass. Yes, chicks are extra slutty here because it’s winter 9 months a year and there’s nothing else to do.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I must be in a serious minority because I really like getting facials. And I’m not making a joke. It’s hot.
I’m from the Midwest (left it) but we’re not all crazy, I swear. Just most of the girls. And you need to run the hell away from her and never look back. It’s not a coincidence you keep seeing her.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:47 pm
@Pregnant sex guy. Change your name to Rusty Shackleford, and pray this psycho doesn’t recognize you.
@doggy style: CFL is a more entertaining game. But NFL has more talent. Long live the rouge!
@John: Get your wife horny enough, and she’ll do it. Hell, she’ll do both. It’s her wifely duties to do as such.
@some guy: Perhaps you and your wife should get checked out? Either way, it sounds like she’s getting frustrated. Maybe you should give her a massage or something.
@Former college kid: Got to a random bar and let your partner pick one out. Guarantee you’ll get something pretty good.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@FearTheBuzzsaw. I guess like normal people aside from me handcuffing her. /shrug
May 21st, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@stylist: don’t forget wop, though dago is a classic.
May 21st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@Needs more
bravo
May 21st, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Q: What sound do Italians make when you roll them down a hill?
A: Dago wop wop wop!
May 21st, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I must be in a serious minority because I really like getting facials. And I’m not making a joke. It’s hot.
Oh Carrie. Every week I just love you more and more…
/pines away.
May 21st, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Oh oh oh! And no news on the boy I asked the mailbag about (except he flaked on me last night after a week of adorable texts) but I 69′ed for the first time last weekend (with a different military boy)!
May 21st, 2009 at 6:38 pm
@ Otto
Q: What does IROC stand for?
A: Italian Retard Out Cruising
/Boston Ital that hates the awful sterotypes Long Island Itals perpetuate……
May 21st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
RE Carrie Says:
“I must be in a serious minority because I really like getting facials.”
I can’t verify, but I suspect you ARE in the minority on this. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve never seen any numbers on it. I don’t doubt that lots of chicks have tried it, but I doubt that many of them like it.
And +1 to you for supporting our military.
May 21st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
God love Carrie
May 21st, 2009 at 6:52 pm
@D of A
[i]@Some Guy – I feel your pain, my wife and I tried for about a year before we got pregnant with your daughter.[/i]
Best. Typo. Ever.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Woohoo Carrie! Ditch the flake and hook up with the 69 guy. At least he’s willing to think about your pleasure too!
May 21st, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I did an actor training program at a community college on a dare for one semester. Then did it for another. Drama club women are VERY freaky and willing to do just about anything. Cast parties were off the hook.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I’ll join the chorus shouting: “Get the fuck out of Fargo!”
May 21st, 2009 at 7:19 pm
To That’samare
@doggy style: CFL is a more entertaining game. But NFL has more talent. Long live the rouge!
The rouge might be the shittiest part of any sport world wide. Even the high kicking, low scoring, ties – you better believe it world of soccer doesn’t give you a point for something so fucking shitty and easy to do.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:03 pm
@FMRA
Yeah, how is that guy who wanted to “fall asleep in you”? Inquiring minds would like to know.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:45 pm
@JAFO: Very True, Brother. Theater girls are always crazy and freaky in the sack. The only problem is that they are clinging as hell and once you break up with one, all of them know it. It like having the Scarlet Letter on your package.
@ Former College Threesome guy: Alright, I get the point of maybe taking care of her feelings but to honest it’s fucking college. No one cares about your feelings, sure you should probably do something nice for her just in case, she gets sad when the threesome goes down.
Overanalyzation: The Killer of Tricycle
May 21st, 2009 at 9:02 pm
@88 – if she makes Varsity, you better do so, too…17 years old 6′5 and 280? You’re a fuckin house, dude.
@former college kid – what are the rules? I want to know if I’d still be jealous…
May 21st, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Facials. If you just started hooking up with the girl, I say surprise her. In a more committed relationship though, I like to keep a pair of lab goggles in the night stand. It is ludicrous, and that is about the best you can hope for after the novelty of pretending you’re a porn star wears off.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:32 pm
@es ay el
principal rule is no actual sex between myself and said third member. everything else is ok, as long as the gf stays in the middle of things. Pretty solid deal, I’d say.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I think I’ve had 15 threesomes. None of them were disasters. One was kinda “meh”, but the others were great!
Secrets to a good threesome include:
1) Make sure all the parties actually want to do it and aren’t just going along with it.
2) Make sure everyone gets a turn being the center of attention.
3) Get together for a non-sexual threesome sometime before and sometime after. Hell, if you owe your girlfriend dinner before getting her in the sack, you AND your girlfriend certainly owe the OTHER chick dinner and a follow-up date.
See, FMRA? It’s not that hard.
May 22nd, 2009 at 1:23 am
I hope the guy writing from Fargo is Chuck Klosterman.
May 22nd, 2009 at 1:39 am
88 you need to marry this girl. NO ONE DENIES THIS! have several kids, and get them all to play for my broncos. it’s a win win for both of us. they’ll buy you an enormous house and i’ll get to enjoy watching your kids lead my team to multiple super bowls.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:04 am
CLARE:!
I’ve missed you so much.
We were floundering and lost without your wisdom.
I really missed your pink box, too.
Carrie: Well, decorum prevents me from speaking my true deviant thoughts, child. But I do like your gumption, girl. I like the cut of your gib.
OK. My opinion. To clarify the crazy vs. the hotness; Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe it’s a frequency thing. Lord knows you young whipper-snappers will stick your dick in anything that’s warm and had a recent pulse. But back in my day, Goddammit, a girl had to like you before you could deliver an un-proofed pizza batter onto her reluctantly upturned visage. And the longer you go, the more you experience life, the more you realize. It’s not about the hotties.
It’s about being compatible. Connecting. Talking and shit?
Not size. Not hotness. Not race.
Connecting?
Got it?
I call my dick “Old Sparky” in honor of Stephen King.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 am
OK so it’s late and nobody will read this but I used to drive a cab. Really. Drove for about 5 years. San Diego, CA , Barstow, CA, Red Bank NJ ..you know, all the hot spots. So I pick up this girl in the cab. Nice. Solid 4 1/2. She used to work the Carney. Had carney tattoos. I really dug the home made Blue Oyster Cult tattoo. This broad was nuthin’ but class.
“Hey sugar, gotta light?”, she purred.
“Fuckkuzza?” I responded in my most impressive voice.
“Want a girlfriend?” She axed.
“Twenny-two-fiffY?” while channeling my best Steve Mcqueen.
“Aight”
Oldest one’s named John Wllkes.
After my granpappy.
Moral: Never date a carney. She gave me the clap.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:58 am
69=overrated. It’s great hearing about freaky drama chicks, but doesn’t everyone in every type of group fuck everyone in college? That’s what college is for.
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:52 am
Shit! By the time I’m able to read the sex mailbag there’s always at least 100 comments on it and I can’t chip in my two cents because someone already said the same shit that I woulda said…It sucks being 10 hours ahead out in Turkey, by the time the mailbag is up, my ass is asleep.
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:28 am
On the Argonauts- would he play QB or be the greeter?
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
@ Some Guy
Totally with you. It all goes to another level of pressure when you hit the two year mark and paying $13,000 for IVF miscarriages while your wife works as a labor & delivery nurse taking care of 16 year-olds with 31 year-old mothers. One thing that was suggested by our doc is to find a good accupuncture person. We didn’t do it during the first round of IVF cycle (there was no $$$ left after IVF), but we’re considering it the next time. Good luck. I know it sucks.
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Claire is back. The world is right…
PS- Never given a facial…I think it sounds fun, but, I’m alittle too busy trying to get us both off to pull out and put some of my cockamoli on her faceadilla. Sounds fun in theory, but not too practical…imho
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Just to clarify…selective racism is ok? We can’t say the N word, but Mick, Dago, etc. is ok? Just checking.
Threesomes can be fun. But yes, make sure both girls are “attended” to.
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“All right, we’ll give some land to the n*****s and the chinks, but we DON’T WANT THE IRISH.”
- Olsen Johnson, Blazing Saddles
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
All…
I AM the ultimate hypenate (Black-Asian-Irish-Jew-Veteran who grew up in Germany – I count as all points for your employer’s tax credit/rebate). I’m loving the racial slurs, but came for the advice…
@Mike Hunt – Get your ass in the gym or buy a gold chain and get to the fucking
@Pregnant Sex Guy – Shut the fuck up. If you’re not lying, you’re stupid and want the attention, or retarded, and want the crazy. Either apply for a transfer and shag her rotten until the day you leave… then fake your own death. Otherwise, she’d have to be effing Dog the Bounty Hunter to be able to find you that many times unless you’re leaving clues…
@88 – You need to support your woman and her goals. Period. If both make varsity: Cool. If you make it and she doesn’t: Your question is moot. If she makes it and you don’t…. You get to wear the handcuffs next time… cause you’ll be her bitch anyways.
@Some Guy – Have fun. Make sex so effing dirty that she doesn’t have time to stress. Remember: stress depresses a lot of normal body functions. So making babymaking work kinda defeats the purpose. If that doesn’t work, start scouting cable guys
@Former College Kid – You are NOT going to get to fuck the other girl, so stop cock-blocking your girlfriend. It’s okay to eat-and-run sometimes. I’m pretty sure nobody will clown you for masturbating to LIVE porn… especially if it’s your girlfriend.
@FMRA – Sooo… Was the other guy bigger and/or better than your boyfriend, or did something else happen? (I guess I’m the only one with the guts/balls to ask). I agree with you about threesomes 90% of the time, but it really can work out after if the couple know what they’re doing and why
@Clare – I don’t know you but already I miss you and your pink box… Well done!
@John – Can’t empathize. I have the ultimate girlfriend: Tall, big rack, and loves to take it however and wherever I give it to her. Whether that be tender like a chick-flick, or as nasty as anything on the interwebs. (Insert Muahahahahah here)
Which leads me to my only bit of advice on this: Do exactly what Needs More Cheerleaders said and Clare endorsed… or go totally the other way and see if the shock of being used that way actually turns her on? YMMV
@Carrie – Tell me you like girls too and I’ve got your name on a first-class ticket within 24 hours (Like none of you guys want a threesome with two gals who like facials? Yes, John, my gal is bi as well) Oh yeah, Carrie… Good replies too
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
To the kid who is 6-5 and 280: YOUR ON THE JV TEAM?! WHO STARTS OVER YOU ON VARSITY?!
You would be starting left tackle at my school.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:52 am
guess I’m late to the party. regardless, my thoughts:
Am I the only one that despite seeing Clare’s pretty pink box a million times didn’t get the pun until someone wrote it out?
As for all the people wondering why 88 isn’t starting on varsity, I don’t think any of you have played the game in quite some time. We have a guy like that on our team, about 280, 6′4″.
Everyone was scared of him.
For about one practice.
There’s so much more to football than size. Now, as a 6′2″ 200lb DE I don’t even have a problem blowing him up when he pulls to my side.
I don’t say that to hack on 88, I just think that for a football blog there are a lot of people who are completely lacking football knowledge.
May 24th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
The 6′5 280 monster said he had the option of starting on JV or being second string on Varsity. There could be a monster ahead of him. Who knows.
But also as Malfunction said, there is more to it than just size.
May 25th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
College kid is full of shit. No one in musical theater would misspell timbre that badly.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Thank you, MadmanMundt. I was going to say the same thing, that my bullshit detector went off immediately. It’s timbre, not tamber. Bravo.