Welcome to another glorious Friday on the internet. For today’s commenter mock draft we’ll be examining the most badass characters in film. Specifically you’ll be drafting the one movie character you’d want to have your back in a street fight. For the sake of the draft we’re limiting the scope to flesh-and-blood humans who lack super-powers. So if you were to draft the Terminator, for example, I would not hesitate to edit your comment to make you look like a filthy pedophile. I’m tough, but completely unfair. Note: Once someone is selected all of the actor’s other characters are off teh board.
I’ll get the ball rolling with the first pick, Jason Bourne. He can take anybody apart with ease, and I don’t have to worry about him snapping like John Rambo.
Add your picks in the comment section, but remember to play by the fucking rules. Oh, and thanks to reader Zach for inspiring this week’s topic.
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well, since i do not live! in the past, and know that these were only fictional characters, i suggest that you! go to the shrink and tell him all about this match you want to make!
The song Gonna Fly Now(the Rocky theme) has the Adrian part at the end.
The Smoke Monster from lost
“I don’t know the difference between an actor and a movie character.” arguably neither does seagal
man, not many actors left. I mean, even J Lopez is off the board. I wanted Karen Sisco.
I think I’m down to Judge Rheinhold in Beverly Hills Cop or something
this is what i get for coming late to the draft
Sloth from The Goonies.
The internet at work was down all day Friday so I didn’t get to participate in a draft that *I* suggested, but if anyone cares, here’s what my draft board looked like (i.e. who I *would* have picked had they been available).
1. Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill – a hot, psychotic Japanese schoolgirl who will fight for you until she’s bleeding out of her eyes? FTW.
2.
Chewbacca(I wasn’t expecting a “humans only” rule). Can tear opponents from limb to limb and exhibits a level of loyalty you’d normally only see in a canine species.3. Luca Brasi from The Godfather. Al Neri if Luca’s already off the board.
4. Officer Bud White (Russel Crowe) from L.A. Confidential. Dumb muscle, loves to mix it up.
5. Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me. Size notwithstanding, can you imagine anybody sticking around to fuck you with you after this guy bares his teeth?
6. Critical Bill (Treat Williams) from Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead. Sleeper pick that’s probably safe to take this late – “out of his tits,” but there wasn’t a guy he fought that didn’t end up in critical condition.
7. Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Big silent Indian. Intimidating as hell.
8. Technical Sergeant Michael Horvath (Tom Sizemore) from Saving Private Ryan. Brooks no disloyalty and absolutely refuses to die when he’s a member of your crew.
9. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer) in Tombstone. You’d better believe he’s got your back.
10. Trejo (Danny Trejo) in Heat.
11. Vatgrown Ninja in Johnny Mneumonic.
12. Any single one of the Marines in Black Hawk Down.
It’s a shame nobody has ever made a movie out of the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, because having any one of the Bloodguard getting your back would rule.
Undrafted Free Agent Steals:
Brick Top, Snatch [Alan Ford]:
Baby Firefly, House of 1000 Corpses [Sheri Moon Zombie]
Cleon, Dead Presidents [Bokeem Woodbine]
Tito Severe, Empire [Fat Joe] Really, this pick is just for the spring mounted shotgun on the back of his couch in this film.
Brick Tamland, Anchorman [Steve Carell] He stabbed a man with a trident. A Trident.
Augie Farks in Role Models… As long as it’s in a Battle Royale and I’m dressed like a member of KISS
The Saint of Killers from Preacher.
Very nerdy, relatively obscure comic book reference. Basically the guy is Death funneled into the body of an old west gunslinger.
Adam West as Batman – dude will make any enemies laugh themselves to death in his leotard – and he can dance the Bat-usi as well!
D-Bo
Before I make a completely irrelevant late pick, allow me to gripe irrelevantly late… I don’t know how Maj hasn’t personally destroyed about three quarters of you. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were JUST a control-F problem, or JUST a rule-reading problem… but come on. There’s only so many times Mr. Miyagi can get taken. Shape the fuck up.
And now I’ll eliminate all the goodwill I may have earned from that rant/compound the ill will I may have earned from that rant by making an annoying loophole-y pick: Give me Henry Fonda’s Juror Number 8 from Twelve Angry Men. Not for the street fight face-mashing, which I’ll gladly handle myself, but to swing the court in my favor after I’m charged with murder. Instant judicial immunity? Yes and fuck.
John Creasy from Man on Fire. Gotta love anus bombs and blowing people’s hands off with shotguns.
Damn! … Didn’t see the post above me where Jake was taken. Okay how about …
Chong Li from Bloodpsort I heard his pecs are bulletproof
Jake The Muss from ‘Once Were Warriors’
Youtube him
Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata in “Conan The Destroyer”.
I saw a lot of KILL BILL characters picked. But no one picked…
BILL
Undrafted Free Agents:
Michael Jackson from MOONWALKER. Even with his superpowers (changing into a flying car and luring children) removed, any potential fight turns into a dance-off.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho from IDIOCRACY. Self-explanatory.
Vazquez from ALIENS. Fuck joo man.
Whoa…that was a lot of reading and Boris the Blade was nabbed so I’ll take Jake the Muss from Once were Warriors:
“Too much weights, not enough speed work.”
I’ll take Moon Bloodgood’s character from that stupid Karl Urban movie about Vikings and Indians and shit. I doubt she’s much good in a fight. I just want to stare at her.
Ghost dog is a great pick, however I’ll take Mr. Miagi to get my back in a tough spot… Has anyone ever seen him kick the shit out of some spoiled dirt biking cobra kai fuck stains, while they are dressed as skeletons? Miagi literally translates to tough cookie, in english
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels…..We’ll take Boris the Blade, aka Boris the Bullet Dodger: “….because he faukin’ daudges boolits.”
Honorable Mention:
Same Movie: Vinnie Jones as Big Chris:package deal with his son Little Chris:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UmJS5ZSQqE
OGRE.
And all you have to do is tell him…”Hey, that guy just called you a nerd!”
I got Shredder from the TMNT for the value pick. Win?
I don’t believe any one has picked any Jackie Chan characters, so I take Jackie in Police Story, his acrobatics and total lack of regard for his own safety make him a must have. Apologies if someone else has taken him, but I don’t think they have, George Clooney as Seth Rogan in Dusk till Dawn, angry, willing to do whatever it takes, hard as nails, awesome ink. Clive Owen from Shoot em Up, if you need a man good with a gun, you need this man. If it’s old school, John Wayne from The Quiet Man, a film all about punch ups. Brandon Lee from Rapid Fire. Will Smith from I Robot, but if having a robot arm discounts him, then I’ll take him as Ali, a mouth to match the speed. Colin Farrell from SWAT, just don’t leave him alone with your sister. Antonio Banderas’s Mariachi, a guitar case full of guns for the whole crew. Finally Woody Harrelson from Natural Born Killers, the wild card you would not want to fuck with!
I gotta go old school here and pick Sam Spade from The Maltese Falcon. When he slaps you, you’ll take it, and like it!
I’ll take:
1) Matt Damon
2) Superman
2) Swearengen
7) Ron Artest
….wait, there are rules?
Skeletor from Masters of the Universe. You know hes badass just from his name.
Bolo Yeung of “Enter the Dragon”, “Blood Sport”, etc.
http://www.usadojo.com/biographies/bolo-yeung.htm
dang it, shoul’ve ctrl+f’ed that one.
/executes self
Liam Neeson’s character in Taken. What other kind of protection do you need if you have a guy bouncing people’s heads off walls/cars or bashing people in the throats with a cocktail dish?
@Danish: Gone in the first 15 picks. You could argue for the different variations though, I’m sure Timothy Dalton could still be all yours.
I’m gonna go with the absolute steal of the draft 400+ pick and no one’s picked 007? I’ll even take the bullshity 70′s version…
Unless I can get a ruling that the rules don’t disqualify River Tam (Summer Glau) from Serenity. I’m going to have to settle for Hector (Eric Bana) from Troy.
DAMNIT. I was trying to remember Dolemite’s name so I could take him. Ugh. Nice late round value pick.
Dolemite, motherfuckers!
Donnie Yen’s character in Flashpoint. Ow. Motherfucker will BREAK A DUDE.
The man with no name would be my #1 pick
Can’t believe no one from the City of God was taken such as Lil Ze or Knockout Ned
My pick? His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson.
Pesci was one of the first off the board. You could have at least read the first 100 or so picks, as I did. I did not, however, read beyond that, and the fact that Tyler Durden (i.e.Ed Norton’s crazy ass in fight Club) was not mentioned within said picks is a travesty.
Joe Pesci in Casino. He stabs a dude in the neck with a pen at the drop of a hat. Which is nice.
Truck Turner
Finally, the nastiest bastard out there, The Butcher from “Paradise Cove”. Oh yeah look it up.
/shamelessly whoring my brother’s movie
//It was pretty horrible
??Iz gonna drink now
Late round steal – Captain Vidal from Pan’s Labyrinth. That mother fucker was fierce.
Also @Spatula: Lucy was taken as O-Ren Ishii awhile ago. Nope, nothing sexist here
Value pick! Chow Yun Fat’s character from Hard Boiled. Dude knows how to use a firearm. Plus I’m Asian, too, so all the white guys would get us confused.
Sigh. My own idea for a draft (thanks for using it, guys!) and I don’t get to participate because the internet at work is down. But my #1 is still on the board! Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill. A hot, psychotic Japanese chick who will defend you until she’s bleeding from her eyes. FTW.
Sean Taylor
@Soufle You want a 5′ 8″ German corporal with one testicle at your back?
Hitler.
And for Mr. Irrelevant, I take Odd Job from Goldfinger. Loyal, ethnic, and doesn’t talk. Also makes a great conversation piece when garden parties get awkward and quiet.
You guys are such unimaginative sexists. Over 440 picks in, and it doesn’t look like anyboyd has taken Lucy Liu. Damn. She could kick the tar out of anybody and then me (if you know what I mean).
/Ya, I know that last bit was nerdy, but I gotta be me.
Frank Dukes – Bloodsport (jean claude van dam)
Drexl Spivey – True Romance. “It ain’t white boy day, is it?”
Charleton Heston is The Omega Man
MSG Gary Gordon and SFC Randy Shughart. They were played in the Film ‘Black Hawk Down’. The two snipers that kept CWO Mike Durant alive after his Blackhawk crashed due to RPG fire. They died defending Durant, and were posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor. Aaaaaand they were US Army Delta Force. Need I say more?
Xiao Mei – the chick from house of flying daggers.
Mikaela Banes(Megan Fox) from the Transformers and a lollipop and my opponent won’t be able to focus…of course neither would my posse, then we party…
Awww, Mongo straight
Candygram for Mongo!
Gonna need a spell check but Pai Mei from Kill Bill is the pick. Don’t poison my fish heads.
Late value pick would be Mongo from Blazing Saddles. Especially effective if our opponents are on horseback
@ BeardedAxe
I just picked Fred Williamson, but his fellow vampire-killer Tom “Sex Machine” Savini in “From Dusk Til Dawn” is a real steal.
I’ll sign Ragnar The Viking as a rookie free agent. Skol Vikings!
Snake Plisken and Johnny Utah as his sidekick, yeah thats right.
I will take Tom Savini as Sex Machine in From Dusk Till Dawn. I am very pleased to see him still available at this spot. In true Vikings fan fashion I will insist that the next poster was expecting me to pass on him for character issues.
Deniro’s character from Ronin. That dude was high speed.
Ron O’Neal as Priest in “Super Fly” has been included in this draft day deal.
LATE ROUND BLAXPLOITATION PACKAGE DEAL:
• Jim Kelly as Black Belt Jones
• Fred “The Hammer Williamson” as Black Caesar
• Jim Brown as take your pick of badass characters Bad Jim Brown has played
Can’t believe so many of you cockwallets took Omar over Partlow. Fags. I’ll take the tall man, Slim Charles
I’ll take Rosario Dawson’s character Gail in Sin City. She’s the leader prostitute of a bunch of sexy prostitutes who can kill. So not only would I get her, but I’d get Miho, a Japanese school girl who kills with no remorse. Sexy bodyguards with free sexy time= steal of the draft.
I am SO stupid.
i of course take my namesake.
sorry for the oversight, Pam!
White She Devil(Denise Richards) from “Undercover Brother”.
She is hot as fuck and down with ‘Da Man’.
I was going for Dirty Harry (asian chick offers to go get beers) but he went, and justifiably so, before this. In his stead I select Bud Selig. That fucker gets away with everything and everybody believes his feigned denials. Besides crooked used car dealers know crooked people, don’t they?
Hannibal Lecter and Mayday
Apollo Creed so I can learn to fight like a brother. Plus we both dislike communists so we would have things to talk about.
@JL white
Gone about 400 picks ago.
Hulk Hogan from Mr. Mom.
I legdrop on your Andre the Giant pick.
Damn, just went through 400+ comments, and I’m pretty sure this guy is availabe, but if so I got your STEAL OF THE DRAFT right here:
Andre the Giant’s character in “The Princess Bride”
(Yeah, he got bested by Cary fucking Elwes. So what? Dude’s 7’4″/520 lbs; you’d have to be in some deep, deep shit for the big man to leave you high and dry.)