This week’s commenter draft is expensive items that should cost only $5. The only caveat: your picks must be ACTUAL items that people buy. No picking abstract things, such as stocks or companies or football teams. As always, pick once, then wait ten picks before selecting again.
I’ll kick things off with this:
DOMICILES.
That’s right: every living quarters in the world should be $5. Penthouse on Park Avenue? Five bucks. Mansion overlooking the ocean? Five bucks. Fucking Neuschwanstein?
Fünf Dollar.
Why? Because FUCK REALTORS, that’s why. The cockroaches of humankind. I’d sooner fuck the zoo animal of your choice than a realtor. And let me expand that capital-F fuck you to EVERYONE in the real estate business: contractors, brokers, landlords, landscapers, building managers, housing inspectors… DIE. Yeah, I want a house for five bucks, but even more than that I want your entire industry to get a tree branch rammed up its asshole.
Your picks in the comments.
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I’m impressed! You’ve managed the aolmst impossible.
thanks for sharing.. it is interesting.
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Oh, and in the movie the boy without legs learns how to walk….in a symbolic way. I’ll sweep the Sundance Film Festival.
Since it’s been over 24 hours since the last comment I’ll just through all my picks out there. No one will read them anyway. Here hey are:
1) A new bike. I’m not talking about a new Huffy from Wal*Mart. How is it that a contraption so simple can have a sale price above $100 and, even more absurd, above $1,000. It’s a god-damn-fucking bike.
2) A TV and cable. I don’t own a TV because I don’t want to buy cable. Cable sucks and if I want to watch sports I can hit up the bar and spend my “cable bill money” getting drunk, eating wings, and watching about 10 sporting events at once. Cable can’t do that.
3) Lastly, the equipment to start up my own movie studio so I can create my visionary, cinematic master piece: “A Boy without Legs.” It’s a touching story about a boy without legs.
I gotta get in on this a lot earlier.
A free and clear divorce.
I’ll take Guantanamo Bay for my second pick. It’s probably worth $5 when you do the Cuban/US exchange rate. It’s in a poor, but tropical country full of hot chicks, and it’s equipped with endless torture equipment for said women and terrorists that stay there.
A nuclear power plant — let’s say Nine Mile Two. No more electric bills. And in a pinch, I’m one step closer than y’all to weapons-grade plutonium.
20-year old Pappy Van Winkle, greatest bourbon ever made.
Five dollar annual admission to Six-Flags Magic Mountain.
What? I love roller-coasters.
You ever ridden X2, Goliath or Tatsu?
No?
Pussy!
/Didn’t read the rules. Mea Culpa.
I withdraw the Sierra Nevada Brewing Company and choose my alternate selection.
A full tank of gas.
Nobody should ever pay more than $5.00 for a full tank of gas.
AMIRIGHT?
Wait, fuck friendship.
Prozac and Ambien.
Friendship. That shit is way too expensive nowadays.
/depression SOTD
Porky: Not to dis Mr. T, but I’m getting more silenced bang for the buck. While Mr. T is flashier and probably more fun to hang out with (he smokes the cheeba as do I and SEALs probably don’t smoke out), i’d stick with the deadly squids cause anybody who fucked with me wouldn’t see it coming.
The Sierra Nevada Brewing Company.
SOTD
Antidote to all disease.
It fucking exists……..Magic Johnson is proof enough.
/I’M FUCKING HOT!
A new A/C compressor in my car. It’ll cost goddamn $450 to fix that thing….THERE SHOULD BE A FUCKING LAW THAT EVERYONE IN FUCKING L.A. IN FUCKING MAY GETS FUCKING $5 A/C!!!!!
JAFO:
Why bother with the whole SEAL team when you can get the same results with Mr. T for that same five bucks? And I don’t mean within the context of this draft, I mean for an actual five bucks.
A case of ammo. Remember, guns can’t kill people without ammo!
A fully equipped SEAL team to take with me when I go out drinking. No DUI’s and I can pretty much take anybody in a bar fight. Without throwing a punch. All they hear is the slide clack and then are hit by a 9mm slug.
the presidency
Why? because if George Bush could do it then why the fuck couldn’t I?
The presidency
why? because i’m the boss!
I’ll take the Cincinnati Bengals. I know, they’re actually worth $3, but if I were to buy them for $5, fire Mike Brown, I could probably make that franchise worth at least $10.
or the LA coliseum…
since guvanah ahrnuld thinks he can make some money selling it, undercut that kennedy-loving son of a bitch…
the hubble space telescope…
want to see far off galaxies for your science class? gotta go through me…
/sleeper pick of the draft
As I sit right now in an uncomfortable, kidney-poking office chair at a desk that was custom-made to bang my knees and shins, (all in a depressing office when it’s nice outside), I’ll pick top-quality office furniture for five bucks; namely, a Herman Miller Aeron chair. Or fuck it, a leather reclining massage chair.
@ porky1
Great call on picking shoes. I’d already picked suits and watches and realized, too late, that I forgot the shoes. It would be awfully nice not to have to think of shoes as an investment.
@ Rocco
Liked your hockey-related picks. I played as a kid, but haven’t hit the ice in ten years and I remember vividly how expensive all that shit was, BEFORE having to pay for ice time and leagues and all that shit. A few months back, I tested out my college player- cousin’s compsite stick and damn- that thing was like swinging Excalibur.
Amen, Rocco.
“Oh, you saw the ad for the free phone? That’s this one here. It came out six years ago and has a battery life of about 19 minutes. Yes, it comes with a 1.5 inch FULL COLOR screen, MIDI ringtones, and a convenient pull-out antenna. And head cancer.”
Fuck, I could go on and on. Cell phones. “Oh, you like this cool new phone? No, that’s not the free one. It’s $199 with a 2-year agreement.” Fuck you. I’ll take the phone and your shitty cell plan for $5.
I’ll just take any expense I currently have. Electric bill? $5. Gas bill? $5. New grill? $5. I don’t need fancy shit to be happy. I’D JUST LIKE THE SHIT I NEED TO NOT COST MY WHOLE SALARY AND LEAVE ME BROKE. Fuck.
@Gino: Damn you. I was about to pick watches. Ok, I’ll take lawn service. See, the lady across the street likes her yard full of dandelions, and if I don’t get my lawn treated, I get dandelions. And that fucking $38.01 bill from Funk five times a summer is just an annoyance. $5 would be better.
Y’all are all over the damn place. FTW, right here…
SHOES. Goddamn lace ‘em up, go on your feet shoes. Every shoe, from the ones that already retail $5 at Wal-Mart to the Bruno Maglis that O.J. wore a-killin’ to the newest Air Jordans which are lovingly handcrafted by Asian slaves at a labor and materials cost of about…$5. Shoes.
SHOES motherfuckers! I don’t want to have to default to Chuck Taylors just because I only want to spend $30-40 bucks for something casual and Chucks are the only $40 shoes you can get that don’t look like they were designed by retards.
SHOES!
A macbook air
because I’m a faggot
@ Pacman – I’ll even let you use any of my $5 runways for such a noble cause, and because it’s such a beast of a machine.
@Ordinary Olandis Gary: “an average Keith Richards Tuesday”
Bravo, good sir.
I’m gonna continue the blow-shit-up theme and go with an AC-130 Spectre Gunship.
Because there can’t possibly be anything more awesome that artillery on an airplane.
/flies to Hattiesburg
Fake Tits
Then every chick would like she worked in the Canadian Ballet, er strip club
WNBA tix
real estate agents…repeat after me “for sale by owner”. Put some fresh paint on that motherfucker, vacuum the bitch once in a while and you can tell Remax and all the rest to shove a pinecone
A really good watch. I’ve never been into wearing a watch (the cell phone is my de facto time piece) but If I could get a Rollex, Patek Phillippe, Tag Heuer, etc. for five bucks, I would be. I’d get an understated watch, modest in its excellence and elegance, not one of those flashy, obnoxious watches the size of a dinner plate that the athletes and entertainers wear.
And for my last pick…. five dollar zoo animals. Not the zoo tickets, the fucking animals. Now I got gorillas watching my back. NOW THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU BUST INTO MY HOME, MONSIGNOR LIMPDICK.
So that leaves me with soccer jerseys, meat, and zoo creatures. Throw in some of those five dollar drugs and you’ve got an average Keith Richards Tuesday.
Cocaine.
Suits, really fucking expensive suits
Furniture. The ex still had a key and took my bedroom furniture. I’d like to replace it someday, and for $5 an item, that would be nice.
/She also took the dining room table/chairs, the 23″ LCD/DVD, and the Kitchen-Aid appliances.
@Gino: Nice pick. Value pick right there. Women love a man in a suit. I’d like to mix in a tuxedo as well.
Mr. Peanut.
for five dollars i would like to buy you a nice bucket of Shut The Fuck Up.
iPod Touch. I’d like to have one for $5. Not a sexy pick, but a useful one. Along the lines of audio gear, a Sonos system for $5 would be nice too.
Tailor-made designer power suit of the type Jack Donaghy wears. Fuck casual Fridays. I only need to wear a coat and tie a couple times a month, but if I could get a dynamite suit for a fiver, I’d dress up more. And I’d always have a tumbler of Scotch in my hand. And a fedora and walking stick when I’m outside.
Fake Tits
Macallan’s 25 year old scotch……scotchy, scotch, scotch…
a 7 year college education….
AIDS* that is, not aids that help people
Super Aids….so I can give it to my many enemies.
KSK should have put a limit on quantities. “unlimited-supply-of” picks lack creativity and turns this into a draft of “stuff you want” I’m drafting an amendment to say going forward you can pick only in the largest quantity that’s already sold at the retail level. Thus for cigs it’s a carton, for beer it’s a keg, and so on. Anybody care to ratify this amendment?
Ok, for my coup de grace, I would take the Bunny Ranch outside of Vegas.
I don’t think anyone took a good gym membership. Those should really only be $5.
A Ford 427 SOHC engine. This animal made 615 bhp (that is, more horsepower than cubic inches out of a normally aspirated engine). You got this bad boy, the car will take care of itself. http://phystutor.tripod.com/stang/engines/427sohc.html
I’d like my apt overlooking Central Park and the Resevoir and Guggenhiem adjacent please.
I pick NY Rangers Season Tickets. Apparently, however, I am the only idiot to adhere to the rules.
for five dollars, and my second pick, I will like to buy
ALL OF THE WORLD’S AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWERS
..just to keep rerouting Drew in and out of Favre’s farm, over and over and over
Ok, so I got my Real Doll and my Assassin…now I’m buying Clear Channel, so I can fire Rush Limbaugh. Actually, I’ll fire his staff first, so he can’t get any pre-screened calls or send out for Oxycontin. Then I send my assassin out to stalk him. I’ll never have him killed, just stalked. Rush Damocles, they’ll call him. (Except for me…I’ll still call him “fat piece of shit”.)
@ hafner
that’s a good point, but since previous posters already blew the lid off the whole “legal” thing, I better be safe with my army of slaves.
@ zack
The law of demand would drive the price up if it was available to everyone, so this has to be some sort of perk that only you get.
For my next pick, the $787 billion stimulus
I just bailed out Obama’s re-election hopes.
food – i go to the store load up with all i want – $5 thank you very much —- and that is without the club card!
Fuck it, it’s not 10 picks yet, but no one is gonna take ski gear. I need me some new twin tips and boots. A helmet would probably be a smart idea too. $5 each sounds good. Yes, I know it’s three items. Whatever.
/$210 for my UB season pass is clutch.
Case of Dogfish Head 120-minute IPA.
@Cock Flashy: Yes, I’m lucky enough to be born and raised in Buffalo, NY.
Oooh Jackin! Lofty Pick! Fine Pick!
$5 for a lifetime supply of Mount Gay Extra Old Barbados Rum.
I believe I win.
$210, eh Rocco? Sounds like you’re a New Yorker.
I’m pathetic. Unlikely anything I’m thinking of will get picked. Golf clubs & membership are great picks. Fucking greens fees are gonna bankrupt me. I don’t what’s worse: greens fees or lift tickets.
Oh, and concert tickets are also a great pick. Fucking Live Nation just charged me an extra $15/ticket for lawn seats.
@Megatron Jones: Yeah, that’s what I thought (i.e. for everyone) and that’s the philosophy I’m going to stick with. BlahPunked snapped up my idea for legal representation, and I can’t think of anything else good, so I’ll just take CHEMISTRY LAB EQUIPMENT (a meth lab in every garage!) and declare myself retired.
1. Jet Packs
2. Surfboards
3. Chemistry Lab Equipment
Pick number two: MEAT. Give me anything and everything from my local butcher shop for a fiver. This really should have been my first pick. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got 10,000 center cut pork chops and sirloins to attend to.
Did my best to Control-F different types of meat to make sure no one took “prime rib” or “filet mignon”, thus invalidating my larger catch-all pick. If I missed something, feel free to edit in something about how much I love stoma fucking.
All the jewels. In the world. You guys will be begging me for some bling for your lovely ladies in no time.
$5…..
Caps season tickets.
I often browse for a private island to buy, in case I ever have a few spare million. $5 for a Caribbean island? Nice. That was a great pick
parking spot for oversized vehicle on 5th Ave and 87st. I’ll wait the ten picks for the Central Park veiw apt because without a fucking parking spot I don’t even want the damn apt.